If Misty Copeland Were Your Girlfriend

by Mallory Ortberg · February 24, 2016

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you’d be able to hold a wall sit for eight minutes without shaking.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, Lululemon stores would close instantly the moment you walked past them. They’d just drag down the curtains and put tissue paper over all the clothes and walk out into the afternoon together, eyes blinking in the sun.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, your right ankle wouldn’t make that awful popping noise every time you flexed your foot, the noise that drives you so crazy that once you hear it, you roll your ankle in a circle over and over again until it finally stops, as if you could possibly prove to your foot that you haven’t already caused it irreparable damage without even trying to or achieving anything physically spectacular, just by living for a couple of decades. It would just be your ankle.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, elegant older women wearing low-cut black tops would constantly be winking conspiratorially at you whenever you went out in public. You’d have no idea why. But it would be delightful.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would be seated next to Janelle Monáe one night at a fundraiser, and you wouldn’t start crying until you were sitting in the car with the windows rolled up.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would both have separate copies of Center Stage (even though you stream everything and aren’t sure how to work the DVD player on your new smart TV, if there even is one), and you’d always know whose was whose. Friends would say “Is it okay if we…?” because they’d figure that she’d have seen it a million times and be sick of it already, but she isn’t. She never is.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would always know the exact right moment to leave a party. You’d never hear “You missed the craziest thing last night” again. You’d also never wake up on your host’s couch and see them smile tightly as they hand you your shoes.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would have had a wonderful childhood. You’d cast your mind back as far as it could go, and all you’d find would be long, sunny afternoons and feeling safe in bed, with someone in the next room who loved you. You’d never get up to make sure the door was locked. Once would always be enough.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would eat everything really slowly. Not too slowly, and not in that way where you’re clearly doing it as part of a diet but you’re too embarrassed to admit you’re on a diet so you just say “I think it’s really important to do things more mindfully” instead of “I’m on a diet and I’m don’t want to tell anyone.” You’d just eat like you were never in a rush. Like you always knew there was more food coming, if you needed it. Like there was always enough.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, she’d understand that when you said “Let’s go hiking this weekend,” what you meant was “Let’s find a level walk near some trees, nothing longer than three miles, and eat breakfast outdoors, but still in the shade.” You’d go on a lot of great hikes together.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you still wouldn’t be able to speak a word of French, but you’d no longer feel any embarrassment when you mispronounced something in conversation. “Pas de deux? What is that, again?” It would no longer occur to you to feel inadequate.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you wouldn’t smoke. At all. Not even on the weekends, not even when somebody else offered you one. You’d never have started, and you’d never have to quit. You wouldn’t be a dick about it when someone else smoked. It would just be…inert. You’d have a neutral spirit, when you saw it. It wouldn’t look like something that could help or hurt you.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would walk barefoot across a lot of polished wood floors. You’d have contests to see whose feet looked more fucked-up on any given day. She’d usually win, but you have gnarlier toe hair and can sometimes boast pretty impressive callouses. She’d never get a pedicure with you for obvious reasons, but she’d always meet up with you afterwards, and she’d never fail to notice if you changed the color of the polish.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, nothing outside of you would have power over you.

If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you’d have impeccable posture. Mothers out with their scowling teenage daughters would surreptitiously point at you as an example, and you’d smile at the mothers, then half a second later shoot a sympathetic look at the daughters while slumping exaggeratedly. They’d snort out a laugh despite themselves. You would also have met Eartha Kitt’s daughter, who would say things like “My mother would have loved you.”

[Image via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

54 Comments

  3. thebeagee +96

    “If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you would be seated next to Janelle Monáe one night at a fundraiser, and you wouldn’t start crying until you were sitting in the car with the windows rolled up.”

    *quiet, plaintive whisper* nooooooo…..it’s perfect

  4. littlehuntingcreek +80

    Misty Copeland is a perfect human being.

    I’ll bet Eartha Kitt’s daughter has some STORIES

  8. lordpuddleglum +61

    Let’s be honest, if Misty Copeland were your girlfriend your bedroom life would be AMAZING, and she’d never make you feel bad that you couldn’t do even half the things she can do.

  10. mariahnotmaria +133

    I had to pause Hamilton to read this, and I feel like I am the epitome of a Toastie right now. I want all of this.

  11. BobOfSeals +203

    “Let’s find a level walk near some trees, nothing longer than three miles, and eat breakfast outdoors, but still in the shade.”

    FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS WHAT HIKING IS ALL ABOUT.

    1. Ordinarily +54

      YES! When people ask me if I want to go hiking or if i like it, I have to ask a ton of questions to learn what they mean by “hiking” and my answer to their question is usually no. But this is my kind of hiking. Let’s do this kind of hiking.

    3. queen_bunnie +16

      This is what I always think when my family goes on a weekend hike. This is how I ended up 10 miles later begging my mother to leave me with some nice thru-hikers until the next morning.

    4. DishKit +42

      I was not aware of this alternate definition of “hike” until last month, when I took a few friends hiking. We drove into the parking lot and I pointed up at the summits around us and said, “We’re going there. And there. Maybe there too, I forget where this trail goes.” Their jaws dropped. We kinda had to do the whole thing though because it was a loop and we didn’t know where the halfway point was. We took it easy and stopped a lot to take photos.

      The definition of “hike” I grew up with was “a full-day outing during which highly athletic participants carry 2 meals and a spare outfit and 2L of water, wear hiking boots, summit multiple peaks, and return home completely exhausted,” so…it could’ve been worse. Luckily, I had brought extra water and snacks just in case. And we were only out for a few hours, not a full day.

      2. swords-and-spindles +7

        Yeah, that’s a hike (except the highly athletic thing). Everything else is a stroll. When I’m out with people hiking/strolling, I’ve learned to talk about which footwear to bring beforehand, so there are no misconceptions.

        1. DishKit +5

          I told them to bring a water bottle and lunch, but stopped myself there, thinking, “we’re all adults, it would be patronizing to tell them how to dress themselves.”
          It might have been, but it would’ve stopped two of them from showing up in all cotton and one in Converse. Babe noooooo I know you have running shoes why wouldn’t you wear them.

          1. swordsnspindles +3

            Yeah… you can’t walk around the mountains in flip-flops. You just can’t. Better to take the risk of sounding a little patronizing, I think.

      3. queen_bunnie +5

        Yep. I have found so far that people who share this definition (like my family) have spent many formative years living in New England.

    5. TheRenleigh +24

      This is exactly what I always want from a hike. Bonus points if these trees are around a lake/pond and there are benches for eating snacks.

    6. Unreadaethel +46

      “Oh, you mean the kind of hiking where you need specific boots. No, I meant the kind of hiking where you need supportive shoes and a picnic basket.”

        1. Unreadaethel +8

          I’m not sure, but be prepared; you may perspire lightly. Wear comfortable clothing, preferably something cotton and breezy.

    7. Jennifer +5

      I accidentally went on a hike last Sat. that was supposed to be around 9 miles and take 4 hours and it ended up being close to 14 miles and 5 hours 45 minutes. I hiked so much my hiking boots fell apart when I was still in the middle of the woods and I really was afraid for the last 4 miles that the sole of my left boot would fall off. It was a lot less fun than promised. NEVER AGAIN. Strolling along flat, paved roads with frequent snacks is the life for me. In the good news category, my falling apart hiking boots prevented me from all but two small blisters, the weather was nice for physical exertion, my companion was delightful, I burned 1700 calories, and I saw some cute dogs. But NEVER AGAIN.

    8. notebook-keeper +6

      Someone asked me on a hiking date once, and he said it would be fun and light and easy and it was OK that I’d only gone a few times before, so I thought it was the shady tree stroll type of hike and said yes. BUT it was the extremely athletic climbing up rocks type of hike and I was very bad at it and he was very frustrated with me and we never went on another date again, the end.

  12. champagneghost +51

    *silently weeps at the thought of how perfect this life would be and also at learning that her right ankle is not as much of a medical anomaly as she had once thought*

    1. fromthelandwithlove +3

      There was a boy in my high school who looked exactly like a less muscle-y version of Charlie… All the girls were in love with him.

  15. sfbeee +19

    what are you talking about, i most CERTAINLY didn’t get choked up in an ecology class while surreptitiously reading on phone, nope, not me

  16. deleted7541601 +44

    Best case scenario: She would break my spine during a sex act that would make dying worth it. Worst case: I would die of shame before we got to bed.

  20. rawrbook +12

    How did you know my right ankle was still fucked up years after spraining every ligament possible?!?!

  21. emily_of_athens +14

    …is it the *right* ankle for everyone else too? The left one is fine, it’s just the right that cracks and cracks and cracks…

    2. deleted7410012 +8

      it’s my left one that cracks on basically every step i take. my boyfriend calls me “crackerjack.”

    3. popelizbet +7

      I think I read somewhere that people’s dominant leg tends to correspond with their dominant hand – so that would make sense, that over time leading with that leg, doing more pushing of self up with that leg, etc would take a toll.

  22. freshwaterpearl +24

    Would I watch ballet with understanding and joy, and not, as I do now, with just an appreciation of the fact that people sure are moving around a lot, punctuated by the occasional tentative thought about what they are doing artistically, which I then seize upon and think about in a way that distracts me from the performance?

  23. austinmcarter +40

    This is my favorite series, and I love each one more than the last*, probably because each entry is a warm exercise in realizing that yes, someone else on this planet also wants this weird small thing to be true of your life and can articulate it in a pleasant, gentle manner. I TOTALLY want a life that involves walking barefoot over a lot of hardwood floors, but I didn’t know how to say it until right now.

    *the Stanely Tucci one is my favorite, I cannot lie

  24. swords-and-spindles +10

    Almost all of these things already apply to me, I therefore conclude that Misty Copeland’s obviously my girlfriend. I wish she would call more often.

  25. Julia +6

    The world created here is so perfect that normal things no longer seem good enough. Let me just live inside of this article.

  26. LeeAnne +8

    “It would no longer occur to you to feel inadequate.”

    DAMMIT MALLORY THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DELIGHTFUL, NOT MAKE ME CRY AT WORK

  30. erikawynn

    Someone asked me on a hiking date once, and he said it would be fun and light and easy and it was OK that I'd only gone a few times before, so I thought it was the shady tree stroll type of hike and said yes. BUT it was the extremely athletic climbing up rocks type of hike and I was very bad at it and he was very frustrated with me and we never went on another date again, the end.