Genesis 15:1-3
Abram said, “Lord God, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”
After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Um. Yikes, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward. Wow. Where is this coming from?”
Genesis 21:16-18
Then Hagar went and sat down across from him at a distance of about a bowshot; for she said to herself, “Let me not see the death of the boy.” So she sat opposite him, and lifted her voice and wept.
And God heard the voice of the lad. Then the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Um. Yikes. God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation.”
Exodus 20:20
And Moses said unto the people, “Oh, wow. Um. Yikes: Well, God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not, so.”
Joshua 8:1
And the Lord said unto Joshua, Ahhhhhhh, yikes!! neither be thou dismayed: take all the people of war with thee, and arise, go up to Ai: see, I have given into thy hand the king of Ai, and his people, and his city, and his land.
Judges 6:22-24
And when Gideon perceived that he was an angel of the Lord, Gideon said, Alas, O Lord God! for because I have seen an angel of the Lord face to face.
And the Lord said unto him, Um, okay, yikes, well: thou shalt not die.
Then Gideon built an altar there unto the Lord, and called it Jehovahshalom: unto this day it is yet in Ophrah of the Abiezrites.
2 Kings 6:15-17
And when the servant of the man of God arose early and went out, there was an army, surrounding the city with horses and chariots. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?”
So he answered, “Um. Yikes, well, I mean, those who are with us are more than those who are with them, so I guess calm down?” And Elisha prayed, and said, “Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.
Isaiah 41:13-15
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Um, yikes, relax, I will help you.’
“Ahh, yikes, calm down, you worm Jacob,
You men of Israel!
I will help you,” says the Lord
And your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
“Behold, I will make you into a new threshing sledge with sharp teeth;
You shall thresh the mountains and beat them small,
And make the hills like chaff.
Daniel 10:11-13
And he said to me, “O Daniel, man greatly beloved, understand the words that I speak to you, and stand upright, for I have now been sent to you.” While he was speaking this word to me, I stood trembling.
Then he said to me, “Um. Yikes with the trembling, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard; and I have come because of your words. But the prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me twenty-one days; and behold, Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, for I had been left alone there with the kings of Persia.
Zephaniah 3:15-17
The Lord has taken away your judgments,
He has cast out your enemy.
The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst;
You shall see disaster no more.
In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
“Mmm. Yikes!
Zion, let not your hands be weak.
The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Matthew 28:4-6
And the guards shook for fear of him, and became like dead men.
But the angel answered and said to the women, “Uh, yikes. Maybe settle? for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.”
Luke 1:12-14
And when Zacharias saw him, he was troubled, and fear fell upon him.
But the angel said unto him, Um. Yikes, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John.
And thou shalt have joy and gladness; and many shall rejoice at his birth.
Luke 2:9-11
And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, “Wow! Um, yikes. Well, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”
Revelation 1:16-18
He had in His right hand seven stars, out of His mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength. And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, “Ahh, yikes! What is this about? Look, I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death. So calm down.”
I have a feeling of um yikes about most Bible verses, TBH.
Seconded.
Also, as a child I was terrified of the book of Revelations & never read it. During my years of religious education/growing up in my parents’ house, I read the whole damned book more than once – except Revelations.
See also: inexplicable childhood fear of reading The Last Battle.
I was the opposite- I read Leviticus and Revelations during sermons because they were the most interesting (step-by-step lists of what to do if you have different kinds of skin diseases! weird apocalypse stuff!) and then later added Song of Solomon because I was trying to be edgy.
The skin diseases in Leviticus always freaked me out, and as a kid I was convinced that I could get leprosy or whatever kind of disease the “the Greek word translated leprosy may refer to a variety of skin diseases” footnote referred to at any moment. NM that I lived in suburban North America in the 21st century.
You and me and Anastasia Krupnik, apparently!
I love that you love Leviticus. Jews are always joking about how BORING it is and it makes me sad 🙁
I was definitely afraid of Revelation, and put off The Last Battle forever because of it, but when I did read TLB I found it surprisingly comforting, tbh. It’s still one of my favorite pictures of the afterlife.
Equally inexplicably, The Last Battle was my favorite as a kid. It helped that I genderswapped the unicorn and was too dense to realize that it was all religious.
I would probably buy an Um Yikes Annotated Bible which has the same copious footnotes as the New Oxford Annotated Bible or the HarperCollins Study Bible, except that the footnotes just say “um, yikes” in all the appropriate places.
It is so God to be all wrath-y and gaslight the devout into thinking it’s all in their heads.
“Um wow, Job. Dramatic much? Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Yikes.”
So these will be collected and sold to us in book form, with a decorative fake tooled leather cover and the title of “Revised Uncommon Lectionary (Ortberg edition)” right?
I mean, just asking for worship planning needs.
And the Lord, overall, was like, “Sheesh, wow, I don’t understand why everyone is majorly overreacting to my proclamations? But like, whatever, I guess that’s your problem.”
It’s just a burning bush that doesn’t actually burn up, I don’t see what your deal is, I’m sure I scattered a few of these around somewhere
Pretty much all of the Bible, post-Exodus, is God going, “Seriously? You’re complaining/rebelling again? It’s almost like I didn’t, you know, redeem you from slavery, you ungrateful schmucks.”
The skin diseases in Leviticus always freaked me out, and as a kid I was convinced that I could get leprosy or whatever kind of disease the "the Greek word translated leprosy may refer to a variety of skin diseases" footnote referred to at any moment. NM that I lived in suburban North America in the 21st century.
I am a professional bible scholar and I endorse this message.
better than Eugene Peterson’s “The Message” at least
Aw, it makes angels kind of adorable. (I think it was maybe some Madeleine L’Engle piece where she posed the question if the first thing angels always have to say is “Fear not!” maybe possibly they don’t look like chubby toddlers with tissue paper wings?)
If I’m remembering right, seraphim have six arms, six wings, and thousands of eyes. So yeah.
Luke 2:9-11, from the pen of the ever wonderful Ms Beaton: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=234
Plus bonus Jonas brothers and more
The actual official motto of my high school which was carved on a big wooden plaque in the entrance hall was (I shit ye not, O Israelites) FEAR OF THE LORD IS THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM
There’s really only two ways you can go when your school has a motto like that and I’m proud to announce that I and every single one of my friends took the other one.