To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan L.
From: Ali
Date: March 19th, 2013
Subject: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hi Ladies! (including friends and bride’s obligatory cousins we will later ostracize!)
SO excited for Jen’s bachelorette party weekend!!!!!! We are gonna get so cray, lol!
Logistics: Let’s plan this near a holiday weekend, but not on a holiday weekend, so you still have to take multiple days off work!
OPTIONS LOL:
Las Vegas/ AC
Paris
Southern Portugal (Northern Portugal is SOOOO college, LOL)
What’s that country near the Somali pirates??
Jen’s parents cabin upstate, which is my least favorite, but I thought I’d throw it out there if anyone’s on a budget
Obvi there will be mandatory stripper, pole-dancing, and how to blowjob while stripping and pole-dancing classes we will partake of!
I think this bouncer who texts me randomly should be able to hook us up with VIP rooms at clubs, lol.
What do you guys think????
– Ali
—
“It’s a Wednesday night baby and I’m alive!” – Lena Dunham, Girls
_____________________
To: Ali
CC: <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan L.
From: Katie
Date: March 23rd, 2013
Subject: Re: Jen’s Bachelorette!
AHHHH Hi Ladies!
Sorry I’m replying literally five days later I’ve been so busy at work and forwarding this email to everyone I know complaining about you! Paris is not a viable option for everyone, Ali, we don’t all have rich boyfriends sooooo fuck you.
Anyway literally so excited about Jen’s bachelorette weekend!!! It would be super fun and chill if we could do the cabin house and here’s why: some of Jen’s cousins and friends from her high school years will probably feel more comfortable there… BUT OBVI like that so sucks so if just us 5 wanna go to SoPortugal like, another weekend, I can totally do both!!! Just looking out for everyone!!! Do we wanna do the cabin??? Let me know your thoughts.
Also for the summer I’m available to so the weekend of July 14,15 or August 29,30 but I’ll have to leave early on the 30th because I have a thing.
HOPE THIS WORKS AHHHHH CAN’T WAIT TO SEE EVERYONEEEEE!!!!
– Katie
—————
To: Katie
CC: <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Ali
From: Ashley
Date: March 23rd, 2013
Subject: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hi Ladies!
Yes! Amazing. I am super in. As much as I love the cabin we should definitely do SoPu because this is a special occasion…(hopefully) JEN IS ONLY GONNA DO THIS ONCE!
I am free in late June…other weekends would be hard for me to go.
Love it, love you!
Ash
—————–
To: Ashley
CC: Katie; <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Morgan L.
From: Ali
Date: March 26th, 2013
Subject: Re:Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hey pretty ladies,
There are soooooo many people’s schedules to accommodate, lol! It looks like August 30th- September 2nd works for everyone!!!! Jen is REALLLLLLLLY excited!
South Portugal it is!!!! It should be SO cheap when we’re there because tapas are tiny and I hear we only have to tip 5% there.
For plane tickets – I haven’t done any research, but here are some links to “travel websites” – http://www.expedia.com
Also – for hotels we should look into http://www.hotels.com – I heard they have some good deals!
YAY THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
ps – We better brush up on our Spanish for Portugal!!!!!!!
-Ali
—
“It’s a Wednesday night baby and I’m alive!” – Lena Dunham, Girls
————-
To: Ali
CC: <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan L.
From: Katie
Date: March 29th, 2013
Subject: Re: Re: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hey ladies,
I am loving all of this!!!! Thanks Ali for really taking the lead here!!!! You’re so lucky you don’t need to work!! Jealz.
A few things:
I can definitely COME, but I’ll get there sooo late on the 30th so is this okay? Also not sure if I can get out of work on the 3rd but there’s a $1763.00 price increase to fly home on the 2nd so let me update you when I figure it out, I really hope my boss isn’t being a total bitch and tells me I can’t take a (totally legal) day off …. thus forcing me to miss this FAB trip!
Something that Jen really wants to do is go to a cute bar. Are there any cute bars in the area?? I did a quick google of cute bars in south Portugal but I’ll have to cross check with yelp reviews. Do bars have the same grading system there as they do in NYC? Gonna be amaze.
ALSO!!! (Sorry for the novel email btw)
It’s not too late to change plans. We COULLLLLD go to the cabin house with everyone and make it really cute (skinny girl margs anyone??) and do south Portugal in a few years??? (maybe right before Jen and Rob start trying for a baby / when we all start making more money?)
BUT DEF let me know, open thread here ladies!!! Anyone’s ideas are welcome 🙂 how about the weekend of July 14th?
That’s it from me! LMK.
Love you all so much and can’t wait to see you pretty girls!!!!!!! Xoxoxoox
– Katie
————-
To: Katie
CC: <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley;; Ali
From: Lily
Date: March 30th, 2013
Subject: Re: FWD: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hi Ladies! We’re set for SoPu!!!! I just bought everyone’s ticket already, LOL, so you can each just paypal me what you owe me. Does anyone know if our hotel will have sheets and blankets and towels and flat irons or should we bring with??? LMK! – Lily
ps – Attached is a spreadsheet of gifts I think everyone should buy for the bride!
—————
To: Lily
CC: <Kate Work>;; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali
From: Allison
Date: March 30th, 2013
Subject: Re: Jen’s Bachelorette!
AMAZE!!! Does anyone know how to get to the airport in NYC???????????
<3, Allison
————–
To: Allison
CC: <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan L.; Ali
From: Katie
Date: April 2nd, 2013
Subject: Re: Re: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hi ladies!
Okay so this sounds SO fun! Glad we were able to get everything worked out to accommodate everyone’s needs and schedules! So great. SoPu will be the best, I think Jen will really love it!
Thanks to Lily for purchasing tickets that go back on the 2nd. Not sure if you saw my previous email about there being a 1500 dollar cheaper ticket if we flew home a day later BUT I understand people have lives and jobs to get back to, lol, such busy girls we are! Life moves fast!
I did a quick check on the hotel site and it looks like the suite we are getting has all of the sheets and bedding we need BUT I can’t imagine what kind of action goes down in those beds so on the safe side, if everyone wants, we can each pack a separate suitcase with all of that stuff. Don’t wanna take chances! It is an extra $75 per suitcase on the flight but I think it will be worth it. Since there are 9 of us, I think we should be safe with 4 flat irons so LMK via email who is bringing one (and don’t forget to reply all).
FOR PACKING. Not sure of the weather so make sure you bring the following:
bikini if the hotel has a pool (indoor or outdoor)
going out bag (mini) for clubs, big bag for day trips
tanning oil
a coat if it gets cold
cute scarves??
comfortable shoes but also heels for night time
Jen mentioned hiking???? but i dont want to do that
Jill, do you still get perscribed ritalin??? i will pay you for some
nail polish remover/nail polish (in case we need to touch up manis, not sure if SoPu has nail salons
phone charger that will work outside the US (google this, not sure)
xanax for the plane
Am I forgetting anything??
Countdown is onnnnn: CANNOT WAITTTTTTTTTTTTT.
-Katie
————–
To: Katie
CC: <Kate Work>; Allison; [email protected]; Lily; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan L.
From: Ali
Date: April 3rd, 2013
Subject: Re: Re: Re: FWD: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Hi Ladies!!!
There are TOO MANY EMAILS going around!!
– Ali
—
“It’s a Wednesday night baby and I’m alive!” – Lena Dunham, Girls
————-
To: Ali
CC: <Kate Work>;; [email protected]; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie
From: Lily
Date: April 3rd, 2013
Subject: Re: RE: Jen’s Bachelorette!
Agreed!!! Let’s only respond to each person directly!
– lily
———–
To: <Kate Work>;; [email protected]; Hannah; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie: Lily
From: Ali
Date: July 23rd, 2013
Subject: AMAZING TIMEEEEEEEEEE
SoPu was SICK!
First off, sorry I drank too much! i feel like my limits are dif over international waters!
:/ You guys are like my sisters!!! (If I had sisters I’d refer to them as “you whore” and never their names).
I’m going through our pics now and can’t wait to tag all of you! Just a heads up, I will only pay attention to the ones where I look hot and you might look unflattering but I’ll say you look cute!
Does anyone remember Marcos’ last name???? No bigs, but he’s not returning my texts and I may have mono! (Sorry again to Katie for locking you out of the room!)
xoxoxoxo
PS — Can you guys send me checks for the remaining $$ you owe me from the trip? Can’t wait to see you all at the wedding!!!!!!
-Ali
—-
“But you’re an animal/Baby it’s in your nature..” – Robin Thicke
Tags: bachelorette parties, caroline moss, emails, michelle markowitz, south portugal, the shudder of recognition
Ahaaaa this was great! The subtle passive aggression of the group email.
…ouch. That actually hurt to read. Funny, but painful.
Profoundly grateful that we’re probably just having a joint bachelorette in the bar where we met. I will have maybe one drink and a brownie, my fiancee will surreptitiously give away half of her drinks so that her tiny hard-drinking Russian friend can’t get her completely sloshed, and there will probably be dancing to The Bad Touch. It’s going to be great.
SoPu.
This is priceless. Way better than an episode of “Girls.”
Wait, is this skewering actual bachelorette party weekend “culture”? Or carefully crafted satire of what people think bachelorette parties are like, exposing their low opinion of women in general? EXPLAIN IT TO ME, THEREBY RUINING THE JOKE PLEASE & THANK YOU.
My bachelorette party is actually this weekend, but it consists of stuffing ourselves with BBQ & getting wasted off $1 shots at a karaoke bar, so my insight is limited.
Oh! I don’t know because I’m not American AND I didn’t have a bachelorette party, but it felt realistic to me based on the (slightly more revealed) passive aggression alone.
However, I do think your party sounds perfect.
I have definitely been on bachelorette party emails that were like this.
Major points:
–someone taking charge and committing the entire group to an expensive option that definitely not everyone can afford
–the subtle passive aggression because you are re:all but you are really annoyed at that one girl
–the complete inability to find dates that everyone can agree on because no one reads each email (due to the fact that there are so, so many exclamation points…)
–one person buying the couple an expensive “group gift” that everyone has to chip in for even though they’re already spending thousands to attend the wedding and pre-wedding festivities
–and no one wants to be a party pooper by saying “Guys I really can’t afford this,” or “Can you just tell me when to show up because I can’t keep up with the thread?”
Yes, perfect summary. All of it. And this does not just apply to the bachelorette party, but any wedding-associated event. Oh god, the committing other people to expensive options. I’m getting angry just thinking about it.
My experience involved: a very expensive cabin in a very far away woodland area (no, a 16-hour drive is not reasonable for a weekend bachelorette getaway) and a really, really fancy coffee machine gizmo wedding present (the groom does not even drink coffee!!!)
Don’t forget the total inability to do basic information finding. (And no, looking for bars in SoPu is not “research.” Nor is saying “check Expedia.” Hhahahaaaa.)
I know it’s a joke, but the “does anyone know how to get to the airport in NYC?” is… priceless. And so familiar.
Actual line from most recent bachelorette exchange in my inbox: “I can cover the deposit and you can just pay me back in December…anyone know of good places to stay in [tourist-friendly island near the US]? Maybe somewhere by the beach?!?!?!?!!?”
Are the ?! verbatim?
Just stop. I can’t with this.
YES.
OOooOOo are we playing this game? Line from my most recent bachelorette exchange:
“Oh and hiiiiiii one more thing…i don’t know what bikini colors everyone was planning on bringing, but can the NON-bridesmaids please NOT wear turquoize [sic] bikinis, cuz we’re keeping in line with bridesmaid colors even for bikinis by DA POOOOL. also keep this in mind for the going out outfits but that was already in a previous e-mail. THANKSSSS!!!”
oh my god. oh my god.
NO. No??? I’m now realizing that so far my experiences haven’t even been as bad as they could be.
BUT HOW?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT WEAR “TURQUOIZE”? It’s my signature color, and you all know that!
This is real life. 🙁
I’d say it’s both. It just made me think of what the email chain for one of my college friends’ eventual bachelorette party will be like. Her attempt to plan a group vacay was extremely similar to this, but that one didn’t actually have to happen.
are you one of my friends? Because I’m pretty sure you just described my current life.
Same. Are we all friends with the same person?
I hope so, because when I find myself having to attend the fruits of that labor, I will appreciate all of the quiet sanity I can get.
Uh this was my real life a little too recently.
PERSCRIBED.
We better brush up on our Spanish for Portugal!!!!!!!
It’s funny, cause it’s true.
okay y’all I’m seeing some implied criticism of people who use excessive exclamation points and question marks and I’m not taking offense or anything but just like, know that when I plan parties, that shit gets EXCLAIMED TO THE HIGH HEAVENS!!! (in fact the above emails could stand to have a few more ALLCAPS but we’ll let it slide)
wait i might be the girls this is making fun of.
WOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~~!!!!!!!
do u have a flat iron i could borrow
grrl 4 u ive got 2!!!!!!!
I have to use lots of exclamation points when I’m emailing my stepmom, or she takes offense at my tone. Once she sent me three short text messages with a total of 13 exclamation points in them. Also, whatever, be excited if you want! If your friends don’t like it, they can write something on the internet about it, and everyone’s happy.
I use the exclamation / question mark quite frequently. This however, is my only guilty pleasure. I don’t do smiley faces or anything like that. It has come to my attention that some of my closest friends do what you do for your step mom and add that stuff for the sake of others. This has left me pondering if I should do the same.
I take pleasure in all forms of excessive punctuation, smiley facing, LOLZing and almost every other offensive grammatical … personality feature … a man could imagine. And I don’t even feel guilty about it!
I feel like I also tend to read things in a much nicer tone than a lot of people? Like, something with plain punctuation, I’ll assume was said in a nice way when I have no evidence either way. So I think I assume that other people will do the same.
There was a great thread in the Hairpin a while back about inferences one can draw from punctuation… I probably had the longest, weirdest comment ever about when and why I use between zero and three exclamation points. Nerding out about punctuation is one of my favorite pastimes.
Some of my fellow teachers and I have taken to using emoticons in our emails because otherwise everyone thinks we’re being sarcastic and rude, which is only true sometimes. 😉
No. No, Red. Having actually planned a weekend of women in one place involving international travel with you, I can assure you. You are not this woman. Nope.
lol
feats of epic restraint on my part I assure you
!!!!!!
;D
2nd’ed!(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I’m going to a overnight in a hotel bachelorette party this weekend but am now disappointed by the lack of exclamation points and platitudes in our email chain. The main topic of discussion was how much booze to bring, the answer of course was all of the booze, we are bringing all of it.
HA, right? My cousin who is planning is trying to be all “girl you’re the bride don’t bring anything we’re taking care of it!” and I just texted her “FUCK YOU I’M BRINGING JALAPENO TEQUILA & WEIRD VODKA & YOU CAN’T STOP ME.” Sooooo much booze.
Jalapeno tequila. Hm. I think I need to try this. Recommendations for brands and/or mixers? No just straight? I’m doing it wrong already aren’t I?
There is no wrong way to do jalapeno tequila! Take normal cheap ass tequila & pour it in a jar over a few chopped peppers. Leave it for half a day or so, pour it back in the bottle (funnels help for this), and INSTANT PARTY. I drink it with tonic & lime juice personally, but it’s reeeeally good with pineapple too!
Wait, I’m MAKING this, like myself? *sigh* Okay I guess it doesn’t sound too complicated but like for real I don’t own a funnel. I’ll make someone who is more coordinated take care of that part.
I mean I guess you could do it with a mesh strainer and a water pitcher? Or just toss the jalepenos directly into the tequila bottle? I don’t know. Both of those seem easier than funnels.
Mesh strainer! I have that, and I think it’s never been used. So this seems like a good time.
I just put rum back into a bottle using one of those mason jar things that make it look like a sippy cup. I’m not suggesting buying one if you don’t have one, but it worked really well.
There’s an amaaaaazing shooter I’ve had this one restaurant which combines habenero tequila with passion fruit puree and a lil lime juice on top. It’s mind boggling tasty.
1. I got anxiety just reading this title, and it only increased from there. Oh god. I did actually convince one bride to do a cabin upstate (NY) which was STILL travel for me, fyi, and it worked out fine, thank god she’s under control. But seriously most of the others… oy. This email chain in no way shape or form was an exaggeration.
2. Caroline Moss!!!! Hi! I like what you do on Twitter and your writing, so thanks.
Still anxious an hour later. Maybe this story should have a trigger warning
Thinking the same thing.
Oh, I love this. The money stuff is giving me hives though. These poor girls.
Uh un-lurking just to say this was entirely too accurate. Also to say I hate the entitlement culture of weddings and baby-having these days. All of the required-attendance, required-gift parties! Elopement all the way!
I am actually in the throes of planning a bachelorette party right now! It is about as far from this nightmare as one could hope because we are all reasonable people and not actually eldritch horrors (or, we are all eldritch horrors and not reasonable people? I don’t know. It’s one of the two – most importantly, we all seem to be on the same page, transdimensional-species-wise).
I can confirm, though, that the second you agree to be in a bridal party, you are actually committing yourself to addressing every e-mail with “Hello Ladies!” until your death or the conclusion of the festivities, whichever comes later.
There really is no other way to address an assorted group of girls, some of whom are actually your friends and some you vaguely know and some you’ve never even met FFS.
Any number of whom could have various limbs replaced by tentacle horrors.
“Hey slutz”
“SUP BITCHEZZZZZ JK LUV YA”
“hi, ya fuckwads”
Hi Everyone!
I love how there are no protagonists here. It’s all awful. (Though, I feel you, Katie!)
Katie tried so hard. Respect, Katie.
Obviously the protagonists are Charlotte, Hannah, Caitlin, and poor Morgan L. who even got left off some of the emails.
Also, there was a mention of Jill (with the Ritalin) but pretty sure she isn’t on there anywhere.
bcc?? COVERT OPS
Geez, this has been my life this summer. We just had the bachelorette festivities. The e-mails were VERY similar to this. Our beach trip got scrapped at the last minute THANK GOD because I did not have the money after spending $300 on the bridesmaid dress, presents, and time off of work, etc.
WEDDING PLZ BE OVER NOW.
I try not to be that smug judgmental person about my wedding, but everything I read about being a bridesmaid makes me really happy that 1) my “bachelorette” party was a cheap neighborhood bar crawl with viking helmets and 2) the bridesmaid dresses were light gray, in a flattering cut, and I paid for them all myself (because at first I was just going to let people wear their own stuff and then the dresses were on sale at J. Crew and then on sale again, so they were like $40, how could I pass that up). Whatever else I may have done, at least I can feel good about those two things.
Viking helmets!! I really enjoyed my bachelorette party but that would’ve been a wonderful touch!
You definitely cannot go wrong with viking helmets.
Yeah, my husband made sure that the friends in our wedding party paid for very little except plane tickets when they came to our wedding. Mostly because we wanted to still have friends after we got married.
My bachelorette party was also a bar crawl that ended in an after-hours club, and it was awesome, but viking helmets would have made it just that much better. Jealz!
This is why I don’t have friends.
I’m so glad all my friends are either a) apparently never getting married or b) not close enough for me to be part of their wedding parties. (Or, uh, invited to their weddings.)
I never had a batchelotette party. I WANT a Viking Helmet!!!!!!
So far my bachelorette party planning has consisted of the following:
Future sister-in-law: You are invited to my bachelorette party in Atlantic City!
Me: Thank you, but since I live in California, I don’t think I will be able to make it.
Future sister-in-law: Okay.
Me: When/where do you want to have your bachelorette party?
Sister: I don’t know! I have to figure out when I’m moving to London first!
Me. …Do you know when you’re moving to London yet?
Sister: No! Stop asking!
Me: So, sister and best friend, you guys definitely won’t do mushrooms with me? Or acid? Or smoke weed? Well, I don’t like drinking or loud noises, so let’s go to a spa with our moms and hopefully they’ll pay for me to get a seaweed scrub or something. Fiance, I don’t care if you have strippers at your bachelor party but I will be jealous if you do ‘shrooms.
I have never been to a bachelorette party like this, all of them were in town, at someone’s house or a bar, although there were some emails about our destination wedding with some passive-aggressive tendencies.
My solution to destination wedding grumbles was – everything is planned! Here’s what we’re doing! Talk to the travel agent to arrange payments and let me know if you’re coming. If you’re not coming, that’s okay! We’re going to be on a beach in Mexico having all inclusive drinks and lots of fun, and we can pour one out (in our mouths) to our homies. 15 people came, which was enough.
Um, what about the “brushing up on our Spanish for Portugal” part? American girls are SO SMART!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, my husband made sure that the friends in our wedding party paid for very little except plane tickets when they came to our wedding. Mostly because we wanted to still have friends after we got married.
My bachelorette party was also a bar crawl that ended in an after-hours club, and it was awesome, but viking helmets would have made it just that much better. Jealz!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT WEAR "TURQUOIZE"? It's my signature color, and you all know that!
Since I am, actually, Kate @ Work, I was very interested in her response. Her silence speaks volumes.
I just put rum back into a bottle using one of those mason jar things that make it look like a sippy cup. I'm not suggesting buying one if you don't have one, but it worked really well.
Yikes…Just planned a bach party to Vegas in May and am planning a local one for this fall….this is all too true! Died laughing at the accuracy. And in defense for the one who just bought the plane tickets..when you keep asking for ideas, budgets, etc. and NO ONE responds..you just take action. so funny.
‘ You guys are like my sisters!!! (If I had sisters I’d refer to them as “you whore” and never their names).’ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
This is creepy accurate, right down to the use of “AHHHHH” “LOLs” and “$$”. Never be a Bridesmaid in this type of wedding; it is awful.