Previous installments of “Feel the Burn” can be found here.
Don’t get used to extra installments of “Feel the Burn,” sports [conditioning] fans! I just thought it would be fun to share one of my own personal workouts with you, which I did yesterday at 9:30am. By my calculation, that means the worst of the delayed onset muscle soreness will hit me tonight just before bed, around the canonical thirty-six hour mark.
It was pretty rough, is what I’m saying. Which is something I think is important to impart to people who are just getting started down the path to training:
It doesn’t get better.
Ever! Wait, hold up, that’s not entirely true. There are certainly things that get better. Your ability to move around with confidence in a gym environment (or, if you’re doing your workouts at home, your ability to confidently shuffle sideways between your kitchen counter and your couch while untangling your headphones.) Your ability to hold your body straight during moves that require straightness. Your pelvis will stop dipping to one side or the other during bridge moves. Your neck will feel less weird doing crunches. Someday, you may even stop needing to glare at your knees during squats to keep the left one from slowly migrating inward.
Those things will all improve in time, minus major structural issues which prevent them from doing so.
But how shitty you feel while working out? That’s probably not going to get better, and if it does, you should think about going up on your weights. Ideally, it’s just as bad every single time. It’s not like Usain Bolt finishes a training session and is all “motherfucker, I am the FASTEST,” and then happily lopes off to check his mailbox for magazines. He’s miserable during and then happy a little after like the rest of us.
Which is not really to say that you have to be miserable during. I’m usually pretty into it, though I whine a lot, and we all contain multitudes:.
this hurts so much i love working my calves
i don’t care how cute that guy is why did he suggest I try pistol squats
i am a golden goddess of fire but i wonder if there is a big open garbage can in case I need to throw up
My workout yesterday was a monster. And I’m going to share it with you, because this feature is really aimed at building a great fitness base for people who may be totally new to the game, but I’d like to occasionally sprinkle in stuff for people who are already training actively. I LOVE the full-body all bodyweight workout for beginners we’re doing next Thursday, I think it’s a great combo of super-challenging, idiot-proof, and completely-impossible-to-injure-yourself-during. And people who are pretty into being fit will have fun with it too, with some obvious modifications. But this little beast here completely rocked my lower body, and I cried out for release and took little breaks to press my forehead against the wall and thought about cutting parts of it but didn’t and then eventually finished and lay down in the shower for about ten minutes and then had to keep moving regularly throughout the day afterwards so my quads wouldn’t contract into little balls of agony.
But I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. This one comes to you courtesy of Brendan, the gentleman you saw doing that ridiculous box-jump last week (he trains professionally in the NYC area, drop me a line if you want to pay to be menaced by someone who is really sweet and looks like a super-jacked Chris Pine.) He watched me do this one with a mixture of sadism and pity and envy, being still sidelined from the rugby injury, which is how I will feel knowing that some of you are trying this workout on your own.
The Worst Lower-Body Workout in Recent Memory (this one, you need a gym, and to be in decent shape):
Do twenty TRX squats (or twenty normal squats, no weight)
Do twenty jump-squats (squat on your heels, jump up, land on toes, sink back down)
Do fifteen reverse-lunges on each side (like a lunge, but you step one foot back instead of stepping one foot forward, they suck!)
Fifty kettlebell swings (I used a 25lb kettlebell, do a weight you don’t like, you may have to break it up a bit)
Take a five minute break. Full five minutes.
Do that same thing again. Take another five minutes.
Do fifteen double kettlebell squats. (I used two 15lb kettlebells, see above.)
Holding those kettlebells by your sides, do walking weighted lunges the length of your gym.
When you get to the end, do fifteen more double kettlebell squats. Turn around and do the stupid walking weighted lunges all the way back to where you started.
That is a set. Take a break, do another one of them.
Okay, we’re getting there. Go into the part of the gym with the machines you’ve been encouraged to make fun of (they have a time and place and that time is now and the place is your misery.) Crawl onto the lying leg curl machine and just stay there, face-down, for a minute. Oh, the pad is so cool. So cool and soft.
Do 15 reps on a setting you find challenging. Realize if you could do 15, you need to do a higher setting next time.
Go to the leg press machine, do 12 reps, realize you’re not really going knees-to-chest like this workout recommends, realize you need to go lower on the setting next time and really get the full range of motion.
Take a break.
Okay, now you have to actually do those two things again with the right settings.
Take a break.
Last thing! Last thing, and it sounds okay but it is SO SHITTY.
Calves. But, women, you have amazing calves and you don’t even know it!
Go find a standing calf machine. Pick a setting that seems okay at first, but gets bad fast, because NOTHING cooks as fast as calf muscles except for the backs of your shoulders. But that’s another day.
Okay, put your toes on it, with both feet facing forward normally. Do ten raises. Now, point your toes towards each other, so your heels are flared out. Do ten raises. Now, point your toes away from each other, heels together (remember, your heels are always dangling in the air for this). Do ten raises.
You will crave death, but point your toes back out normally and do ten more.
Take a break.
Do that whole calf thing again. You can do a third set but I sure as shit didn’t.
Okay! Lemme know how that went. I’m over here, slowly pedaling my legs into the air to try to get them working normally again.
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Tags: a supposedly fun thing i’ll probably do again, feel the burn, fitness, kettlebells, quads
Reverse lunges! Jump squats! I have never tried those, and I want to! I’m going to!
But what’s a kettlebell swing?
Here’s an instructional video from a gym I’m familiar with. The sound quality is not fantastic, but it’s a short and decent explanation.
There is also the Russian v American swing, I did Russian for this workout.
(http://www.crossfitinvictus.com/must-read-posts/the-great-kettlebell-swing-debate/)
Thank you both! I am intrigued. And kettleball-less, so maybe I’ll try these out with my 5-lb hand weights for starters.
I don’t think my gym has a standing calf machine, but I just did 30x calf raises on each leg while waiting for my lunch to microwave. And then I did 12 pushups on the floor of the office kitchen. And next week I promise I am going back to the gym after a <mumblemomblemonth> absence. I love this series!
That is so great!!!!! EVERYONE, I am the person who will never be bored to hear about your workout, comment and email me and tell me about your workouts CONSTANTLY.
Alrighty then! I have decided, starting about 10 minutes ago, that I will do some incline pushups on the counter when I go to the bathroom at work and no one else is in there (which only happens a few times a day, usually. People here pee a lot.). Silly idea or good idea?
That is a wonderful idea.
Best idea.
I love this series! So much!
And now I will test your claims about loving (meandering, pointless) comments about workouts.
I travel a lot (A LOT) for work and got tired of paying for gyms I didn’t go to at home (regular and climbing) and worrying if there was going to be an acceptable gym wherever I was being sent.
SO. Now I work out at home.
Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays I do 300 hundred squats and 300 backward lunges with a 36 lb weighted bar. At 430 in the morning before work because EXTRA MISERY.
Tuesdays and Thursdays (and some Saturdays) I do HIIT plyometric stuff, which I change up when I get bored. Right now I do a round of burpees, a round of starfish jumps (that’s what I call them? Like jumping jacks but with a lot more height), jump lunges, big-jump-forward-thingys, and one-legged jump ups. BURNY
I also do 100 to 150 tramp push ups on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work. But lazy push-ups with LOTS of rest between very short sets while I watch tv and eat candy. With half assed ab stuff sprinkled in.
But I’m getting bored. I used to kettlebell but I’m always doing it wrong and hurting myself. My back is VERY EASILY OFFENDED and has been this way since childhood. My mom thinks it’s from falling off of playground shit all the time.
I don’t have a ton of money or space for new equipment, though. I’ve tried all kinds of stuff over the years but strength training and short-bursts of intense cardio are the things that have stuck. But I’ve got to come at it from a different way maybe? Cause I’m getting booooooored. Inspire me!!
My club has a sitting calf machine. And I hate it because it is as every bit as painful as Nicole says, but I also like it because you get to sit there barely moving.
Ohhhhh, I love these. But could you maybe write something inspiring about what to do after an injury or anything else stupid that keeps you from your routine? I was just getting into lifting free weights and doing pushups and stuff and then I blitzed my finger in my immersion blender. For about three weeks just walking the length of my apartment made my finger throb horrendously, so working out was out. Then I got better, started slowly carving out the time again to get on top of my shit…. and while rolling out my IT band, I somehow compressed my ulnar nerve. So now I have nerve pain that makes me want to amputate my entire right arm and have been advised to hold it straight, all the time (which is impossible). So anyway, I read these posts with longing and impatience to get back at it, but in the mean time could you throw a girl an inspirational bone?
Oh, little buddy, that is the worst! There is nothing worse than coming back from an injury, except for dying and then never coming back from your injury, period. We’ve had a lot of rehabbing from injuries in our family (ski, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, road bike wreck), and there’s not much to do except be patient and work the shit out of your non-injured parts and try to not drown yourself in misery.
Anything that keeps you moving, and know it will pass. And start drawing up a plan of attack for when you CAN work out again, that’ll help.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to throw out my immersion blender.
I’m right there with you. Well, not completely, because that finger injury sounds rough. I’m so sorry!
But I did pushups for two days in a row after Nicole’s pushups post, and I aggravated both of my shoulders. I have some mild, lingering bursitis from dance. They still hurt, even though I haven’t done pushups in over a week! I was really excited about getting into pushups, but I might not be able to do them at all. I’m going to try again and take it a little easier next time, but pushups might just not be in the cards for me. Kinda sucks.
Compressed ulnar nerve, get thee to the chiro who does ART. A blitzed finger shouldnt stop you from anything, but nerve pain is a whole different animal and it sucks.
Wait, there’s a difference between lunges and reverse lunges?! THAT’S why it was so much harder last time I tried them!
Also re: kettlebell swings. What is the likelihood that I will lose my grip and fling a heavy object through my bookshelf?
ETA: ALSO: On the other end of the fitness spectrum, I just completed a brisk half-hour walk around the streets at work, which has substantially reduced my desire to strangle my coworkers.
Re. losing grip: low, but if you’re worried about it, I would suggest trying to dust your hands with some chalk. I used climbing chalk now that I’m not in a place with buckets of them lying around.
The midday walk outside the office is my new favorite thing. I changed jobs a few months ago, and my office is two blocks from a charming little downtown. Sometimes that walk is the only thing that keeps me going.
WHAT UP SQUATS.
Squats are seriously my favorite thing. They hurt so bad, but the soreness the next day is the BEST.
ETA: You are an animal, Nicole. That workout is crazy.
YAY I love this column! This looks like a workout that I would hate doing but be really proud of finishing.
Question: what’s the reason for using the machines here instead of doing free weight exercises? Like, why would I do a leg press instead of doing barbell squats?
I will tell you my very individual reason: because I was too trashed to trust myself with free weights by the end. Free weights are almost always better, but this is definitely a “lie down on this thing and just work on your hammies for a second” part of the workout.
You wouldn’t . You would ALWAYS choose free weight exercise over a machine, unless a doctor told you otherwise.
Oh, man, jump squats. brutal! though I should probably get on that if I want to be able to jump more than an inch above the ground.
I actually disagree with the idea that it doesn’t get better, though. Granted, some of that is my not always stepping workouts up the right amount partly due to laziness, partly due to not really being sure how to do that without risking injury. But even when I am upping my weights and challenging myself, I find that the pain and soreness I go through now is a lot more tolerable than it used to be. Maybe because I’m doing more, maybe because I’ve taken ownership of it and see it as part of being in the zone and building up to the endorphin rush at the end. The feeling of “oh, god, this is too much, one more, no ONE MORE, collapse” feels like I’m doing something to take myself to the next level whereas for the first couple decades of my life, it felt like exercise telling me I couldn’t do it.
I do have problems following up a really heavy workout with another workout a day or two later, though (a problem since I am trying to increase speed, strength, and agility for a sport while playing it other days of the week). Any suggestions for breaking through the soreness to get moving again?
I have found, personally, that taking BCAAs about half an hour before my workout helps me cut recovery time. But, I mean, so would taking steroids, so, there you go. But I just got a vat of the BCAA powder and I stir a couple of scoops in a glass of water and it tastes like watermelon and I’ve seen improvement.
Since you’re specifically needing to get back to working out for an actual sport, I’d say give it a shot, after doing your own research, but for people who are just sore, a lot of flexing and releasing and not sitting too much is great. Just get up and walk around and try to use the muscles.
Also, ice cream.
Thanks – I will have to check those out.
(and yeah, UGH, on the sitting with soreness. reminds me to figure out a better way to prop up my laptop and macgyver a standing desk since office jobs + soreness that gets worse with eight hours of sitting is really unpleasant. I’m not really big on the ‘sitting will kill you oneday’ panic, but sometimes it feels like sitting will kill me the second I stand up.)
oh, and “a sport” is usually ultimate frisbee pickup a couple days a week. but upa rules and a lot of running and I play with some seriously high level people and would really like to get a little closer to that. [I am sure to people who don’t play ultimate this sounds like some sort of hilarious joke.]
I’m in awe of your willpower to put together and finish this workout, Nicole! I usually do short conditioning workouts after lifting and call it quits after that. I get the value of doing the longer workouts, I just have trouble getting myself to do it.
That’s definitely what this is: it’s like a long final exam after a ton of great short workouts that lay the groundwork. And this is the first week in a while that I’ve really divided up upper and lower body into different days, I usually do full-body, but sometimes it’s just fun to just destroy your legs.
Yesssss… I love a good leg-destroying workout. But sitting down to pee sucks for two days after.
Dude, this workout is nuts! But seriously, high fives for getting through it. I love intense lower body workouts that basically destroy you…and remind you to get up every half hour or so to stretch and walk around for fear of getting stuck in your chair forever…
This is awesome, and actually makes me want to do squats.
REQUEST – I know the focus of the fitness coverage is strength training, but is flexibility training a possibility? Or, anyone know of a good place to learn how to improve flexibility? I can’t touch my toes! Well, I can, but with great pain and difficulty. I’m otherwise semi-fit (I run) but occasionally get weird hip pains / cramps so this worries me. Is yoga the best option, or are there other worlds out there?
I cannot say enough good things about foam rollers. You’ll look goofy at first, but it’s amazing what they can do for your flexibility: http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/flexibilityand…
Here’s a runner-specific series: http://www.runnersworld.com/injury-treatment/almo…
yay. Thanks!
“The knot remains a knot, laughing in the face of the stretch.” perfect.
Another horribly inflexible runner here to agree with Nicole and highly recommend foam rollers. I think they are so SO important in preventing injury. BUT! Be warned that when you first start using one that it will hurt. It will possibly hurt a lot. You’re not doing it wrong if that happens, but if it does, take it slow. When I first started I had to ask my husband to roll the top of my IT bands, rather than using my body weight to roll them, because my eyes kept rolling to the back of my head.
The dance world is a great place to look for flexibility training and stretches. These are all great: http://ballet.isport.com/ballet-guides/a-ballet-d…
This video shows you how to do an attitude devant and derriere (front and back) for the attitude swings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVYleZq61AA
Also, pro tip: I use the kitchen counter instead of a barre sometimes. Ew, gross! Feet on the counter! Just put on clean socks first and go over the area with soap and water when you’re done.
Wowowowow. This looks like murder. In a good way, I think? Looking forward to seeing the upper body version at some point.
I just used the standing calf raise machine for the first time yesterday! It was the first day of my new 2x/week full-body workout I put together (by myself, using Exrx). Hoping to stick with it through October and see what happens… it’s been a while since I made any progress strength-wise.
I am curious how one even devises a workout like this! Like, I would just do some squats and be like, OK ENOUGH. How do you know how many/much to do and which exercises? Do you work with a trainer?
This is a question I also have! And also, how do you know when/how do update your workout when you need to move on to something harder? Obviously what’s described in this article is a pretty killer routine, and I’m not sure how you’d ever upgrade in any big way. But last year I started doing an arms-and-stomach routine every other day that I love, but it isn’t as hard as it used to be and just adding weight hasn’t changed it a ton.
If you have a gym membership, you can usually pay a small amount for a few sessions with a trainer. It’s a great way to get new ideas for how to make your workouts harder if you aren’t sure how to do it yourself. Over time, you’ll get more creative and experienced, and you’ll just come up with stupid hard stuff like this. I mean good hard stuff! Good!
nicole definitely works with a trainer – her trainer devised this workout for her. It says in the article his name is Brendan (she’s linked to him).
Yep, I do! Brendan is not the trainer we’re doing our videos with this fall, but I’ve worked out with him several times and gotten some great/awful ideas and tips. I definitely recommend looking for cheap training packages, if it’s in your budget. What I recommend for absolutely everyone, though, is training with a friend. My friend Aurora and I work out together, and it’s been invaluable for me.
If you join a gym or something and DO get a deal on a trainer, tell them you’re looking to develop a routine you can then go do on your own. Ask them to email you the workout you just did, or say it really slowly so you can write it down. I write down everything I ever pick up from someone else. Ask what to do when it gets too easy. You should be honest and clear: if you’ve bought three sessions, or something, tell them you can’t afford to work out regularly with a trainer, so you want these sessions to get you ready to go it alone. A good trainer will help you with that.
If you get someone who throws up a lot of roadblocks and tells you you’ll never get in shape, tell the gym you want someone else.
Oh, and this is actually a workout he does himself (but with an extra set of something and plus pistol squats) that he got from HIS trainer, because something this awful just keeps going, like The Ring. I think it started a billion years ago when the spider-creature first landed in Derry, Maine.
I mean I understood the workout was from A trainer, but I didn’t know if he was just a friend or Nicole’s trainer or what.
I was trying to be a little sneaky about that because he works for a chain and I don’t want to get him into trouble for doing stuff for us, but I checked and it’s okay.
I talk a little about trainers (including mine!) and this particular workout’s origins in this comment thread, but here are other places to steal workouts from:
– the weirder fitness mags for women (the ones with bodybuilders on the cover – skip the creatine ads, tear out the kettlebell circuits)
– look up the Crossfit WODs, get on YouTube
– Stumptuous!!!
– http://fitandfeminist.wordpress.com/
The real trick is knowing what you want to do when you get in. If I’m working out solo, I come in with my plan written out, because otherwise I just do exactly what you said. That way, you can also remember, hey, am I using 10 or 15 pounds for shoulder presses now? and you save time.
I also don’t recommend, like, staring at strangers while they try to exercise, but if someone is doing something really weird, I absolutely sneak looks and then go home and google it to figure out what it is and how to do it myself.
“Always Be Copying” – Glengarry Glen Ross for Gym Rats
Nicole, all of your wonderful fitness advice is missing one thing: how do I keep my face from looking like an unappealing tomato during/after heavy exercise? Splashing cold water on it does nothing, and I look like I’m about to die even when I feel fine.
(Okay, I really just wanted to complain about having neither hair nor skin that tolerates physical exertion. My hair was made for sitting in a faint breeze.)
me too! in fact sometimes after I run my skin BURNS and, STINGs. But I guess this is a small price to pay for BEING AWESOME & STRONG?
REVEL IN YOUR FUCKED-UP AND PERFECT FACE, THAT’S HOW
This IS something that gets better; at least it did for me. I used to look like an angry tomato after spin class. Now I pretty much look normal. I think this red face thing is your body trying to dissipate body heat and not doing it very well. As I’ve gotten used to working out, I sweat more and my face looks less red. This seemed to also be the case on a triathlon forum I used to frequent (yeah, I used to be crazy).
Oh, man, I’m glad you had an answer to that one. I honestly don’t know! What Mallory said.
This “condition” has never improved for me over the course of my life, even when I was in killer shape. On the other hand, it’s just a red face. (It was a bit of a problem when combined with freshly dyed red hair, as I appeared to be on the verge of a heart attack while bleeding from the hairline while running through a park. NO WORRIES EVERYBODY)
Maybe get checked out for roseacea? There are laser treatments you can get to lessen the effects of roseacea on the skin. From what I hear, it’s relatively quick and pain-free, but can be costly.
oh, I wanted to agree with @Robin from personal experience that this is something that can go away after time. It’s annoying in the meantime, of course, because you look like you just killed yourself when you’re perfectly fine, and sometime people eye you a little bit or ask concernedly “are you okay” (which I’ve always hated even though obvs they’re being nice). But it’s all right — the body does learn to sweat & dissipate heat better over time. Plus the rest of us SuperPale People out there around you totally understand even if we are silent. I also do a hot/cold alternation after exercising: steam room or sauna and then cold shower — and that helps a LOT too (although briefly initially makes it worse before your body adjusts like mad and you no longer get red, just glowy — plus it’s also good for skin, muscles, stress).
I just added jump squats to my workouts (because I don’t have a spotter for the barbell squats and so I need a bodyweight option), and I could only do 10 at a time. So I bow in admiration.
I have done some stupid things to my legs in my life. But this hurt just reading it sitting on the couch. Holy shit, girl. That is insane.
I uh swam 1500 meters today. Now I’m sitting on my couch. The End.
Also: I whine a lot. Like, really a lot.
I could not possibly do anything like your cardio work. I would die.
Ha! Well, I’m pretty much an aerobic engine attached to a bunch of spindly bits. The gym is so hard. I do it. But it’s so hard. I look around, and everyone is all strong and shit. And I’m like, uh, hi? I’ll just be over here trying to lift this one thing. 😀
Late late late and now no-one is going to seeeeeee
but HADRIANS WALL TRAINING UPDATE: Three five mile walks this week, plus I am now the proud owner of water-repellant trousers, a cagoul and a good backpack. READY TO GO.
(btw if you are one of the people interested in this, you can follow my comments through intensedebate.)
Also: Been doing well at the yoga, as well as the pushups and lifting. Go me!
Pics, or you don’t really have a cagoul.
It goes down to my mid-thighs and is in dark-blue with white polkadots.
The only photographs of me ever wearing this and the incredibly ugly walking trousers will be from the walk.
9I forgot! I walked 15-20 miles last saturday! I’m READY FOR THIS WALK)
So, would this be the right place to ask if anyone has tried Krav Maga, the Israeli self-defense system? I want to try it for toning and conditioning while I learn how to beat the crap out of people and flee if they try to assault me. I’ve watched some youtube videos on it, and it looks fun and empowering, but I’m a bit intimidated by the surplus of burly dudes who appear to populate the classes (all the instructor pics are of bald guys poised to punch the camera). Shortly after watching one of the videos, my husband surprised me by grabbing me from behind and I got him in the gut with my elbow, so that made me think I could be really into it. Or, maybe I just like elbowing my husband when he surpises me.
I’m mainly just curious if any Toasties out there have experienced it, and how they liked it (or not).
Ha! Well, I'm pretty much an aerobic engine attached to a bunch of spindly bits. The gym is so hard. I do it. But it's so hard. I look around, and everyone is all strong and shit. And I'm like, uh, hi? I'll just be over here trying to lift this one thing. 😀
It goes down to my mid-thighs and is in dark-blue with white polkadots.
The only photographs of me ever wearing this and the incredibly ugly walking trousers will be from the walk.
9I forgot! I walked 15-20 miles last saturday! I'm READY FOR THIS WALK)
HELLO! I tried to comment earlier but it was not workinnnngggg!
I wanted to say: I DID THIS WORKOUT TODAY! And my buns? They don’t feel nothin’ like steel.
THEY FEEL LIKE TITANIUM!
Thank you Nicole! I love your fitness coverage. So does my bum. Keep it coming we want MOAR MOAR MOAR!
As I get older the soreness begins to take longer to surface. It usually starts about 2-3 days after I workout with my adjustable dumbbells before I start to really feel it. Is that normal for someone in their mid-30’s?
I have never done lunges taking a step backward instead of forward. Definitely going to try that out- tomorrow’s leg day! Great article. Thanks!