47 Comments

      1. figwiggin +22

        It smells like…a filthy, never-cleaned remote? When I look at that image and try to conjure scents, all I get are notes of Fritos and an area rug that needs vacuuming.

        2. fferj +7

          Smell the 60″ HD TV. Smell its slightly ionizing air, and the sweat stained t-shirt that has been casually thrown on the floor next to a sock, an empty gym bag, a folder from work with Chinese food stains, and an empty plate with cold pizza residue. Mmmmm.

        3. madgehowlet +2

          That single-guy apartment smell of clothes taken out of the dryer too soon and that never completely dry and their mildew mingles with sweat and cheap cologne.

  2. icebergmama +14

    These made me laugh, even if my first humorless thought was “ooh gender-essentialism” but I feel like they cover enough bases to just be funny and not “all men are like this“

    1. nickpavich +13

      Trust me. We’re all pretty much like this.

      Except me. I bath in my Toast Khaleesis’ essence.

      Because my natural musk offends my moon and stars.

      1. whizzdumb +8

        Yep. I would only change Ben Gay to Tiger Balm and cocaine would definitely be a top note, not a middle note.

      2. icebergmama +22

        Heh. Mr Iceberg hates anything scented, so his would be, like, top notes of photocopy paper, middle notes of unscented candle wax and base notes of compressed air from a can

      3. thaliakat +3

        So glad you know what all dudes are like, how excellent for you to speak for half of humanity.

        Toast, please don’t get gender essentialist on us, plzplzplz.

        1. whizzdumb +10

          In order to make fun of gender essentialism, you have to use gender essentialism.

          1. thaliakat +2

            Not sure whether the “trust me. we’re all pretty much like this.”, the article, or both are supposed to be making fun of it but I don’t really see it in the article and I sure as shit don’t see it in the comment. Following it up with a GoT reference doesn’t make it less of a lame shitty thing to say.

          2. fferj +1

            I’m a dude and I laughed! But I appreciate that many people may not have. Is the Toast gender-essentialist by running this candle article? I vote no, but maybe a majority of Toast-men feel differently?

          3. thaliakat +4

            Mainly pissed at the lame comment above which I have seen like a million freaking iterations of and which are all 100 percent bullshit. I’m not super into the article, but it doesn’t bug the crap out of me like that dude’s nonsense. Maybe it’s just way drier than I’m looking for and isn’t meant seriously and I’m the big jerk here. I just am so fucking sick of the “we’re really like this! all of us!” crap that some dude inevitably writes on any article serious or satirical that throws down some gender essentialism.

          4. stuffisthings +12

            All dudes know that this article is not gender essentialist. It’s just something dudes know OK.

      4. whizzdumb +8

        About hygiene products: one time a lady took a shower at my place and I asked how it was and she replied, “Girly!” No Irish spring for me.

    2. charlottecat +4

      I actually thought it was making fun of gender essentialism but I could be wrong.

  3. juxt +4

    ah ha ha, except that I in fact did once go on several dates with a man who confessed his love for scented candles to me — from diptyque, that crazy-expensive French perfumery. He said it helped him relax after work. I never asked him which scent, though — should have!!

  4. TheRenleigh +4

    Down The Shore was sounding pretty good to me until the middle and bottom notes.

    1. mbculver +6

      Nah, just throw out the HGH and it’s fine. Especially because of the funnel cake.

  5. anxious_mofo +4

    The Brooklyn one made me spit tea all over my keyboard. Which, I guess I needed to clean it anyway.

  7. gulfoffinland +4

    The guys I hang out with all smell exactly like Thursday Night Pick-Up Basketball.

    Except I think for them Irish Spring is a top note.

    1. TLO +6

      Oh god, Irish Spring. I am still working on convincing the boyfriend that Irish Spring dries out your skin like crazy. Hoping it goes better than the “steaming hot showers are drying” revelation. (“How can WATER make your skin dry? It’s WET.”)

      1. mbculver +2

        I’m with you…and yet, my Irish Spring-using, hot shower-loving husband has never complained of dry skin in all the 20+ years we’ve been together. It’s a Mystery.

      2. practical cat +1

        I’m a lady but I don’t get that one either. IT’S WET. And when it steams, there is MOISTURE in the AIR too. I know it happens, I just don’t understand.

      3. Meirav

        My husband is the same way with IS. Irish Spring is like one of those desiccants you use on cockroaches!

  8. tekkah +4

    Mr. Scandyhoovian’s candle would be whatever ESPN’s Sportscenter smells like with some homebrew topnotes and some Old Spice deodorant undertones. Mmm, Old Spice deodorant.

    1. mbculver +4

      Mr. Bittersweet: Speed Stick and violin resin top notes, with undertones of Colgate and dry-erase marker.

  9. anninyn +6

    My 6’5″, very muscular, ‘manly’ husband prefers the spicy, cinnamony candle scents, doesn’t like the citrus ones and hates the ‘candy’ ones because ‘They just smell fake’.

    Bless him.

    (But if I could do a ‘man’ candle-scent I’d do ’18-hour gaming marathon’ which would be:
    Top notes: Cheap snacks, own-brand cola, unwashed boxer shorts
    Mid Notes: Fresh sweat, unbrushed teeth, hair grease
    Bottom notes: OLD sweat, Farts (Though this should not exclusively be a ‘man’ scent as I onece sat up playing Portal2 till 4 a, when I had work the next day and hallucinated portals all the following day as a result))

    (His actual candle scent would be salt, hot metal, cinnamon and musk

        1. anninyn +12

          farts are always hilarious unless you have had a stomach bug recently in which case they are heart-stopping every time

  10. Quinn_A +10

    The term “spermicidal mucous” is just one more reason I am glad I no longer shag people with penises.

  11. johnwthompson +1

    I will hear no words against moobs *surreptitiously covers pecs somewhat softened by months of no exercise*

    In my best friend’s scent store it’s allll about juniper and beech wood for manscents. She likes to tease me about my love for citrus, though. But I’ve got an almond shaving cream and a juniper aftershave balm and they’re lovely.

  12. anachronistique +2

    Yankee Candle used to be in what I think was a converted barn, selling the small votives out of big wooden bins. It was great, and probably reasonably manly. Now it’s a terrifying palace we call Disneyland North with animatronic Santas.

  15. JoeGreensFlaccidPeen

    Smell the 60" HD TV. Smell its slightly ionizing air, and the sweat stained t-shirt that has been casually thrown on the floor next to a sock, an empty gym bag, a folder from work with Chinese food stains, and an empty plate with cold pizza residue. Mmmmm.

  16. JoeGreensFlaccidPeen

    I'm a dude and I laughed! But I appreciate that many people may not have. Is the Toast gender-essentialist by running this candle article? I vote no, but maybe a majority of Toast-men feel differently?

  18. Madge Howlet

    That single-guy apartment smell of clothes taken out of the dryer too soon and that never completely dry and their mildew mingles with sweat and cheap cologne.

  19. madgehowlet +3

    BARBICIDE! That’s what I was looking for when I was trying to identify what this afternoon’s bus smelled like (I keep a running list on Twitter).

  20. Madge Howlet

    BARBICIDE! That's what I was looking for when I was trying to identify what this afternoon's bus smelled like (I keep a running list on Twitter).