1. Eating breakfast helps you lose weight.
2. If you eat breakfast under a sycamore tree, you’ll have good luck all year, and a little child will bring you lead things for your fishing rod whenever you need them.
3. If a rhinoceros serves you English muffins, saying “a tiddle taddle, a tiddle taddle, a tiddle taddle oooo” will convince him to give you peanut butter to go with them. The rhinoceros is very heavy.
4. Smearing jam on your breasts will attract a centaur who likes to hum that song by The Band. He will mount you, but it’ll be worth your while: his penis is human-sized.
5. If a breakfast made with ten pounds of feathers and another breakfast made with ten pounds of bricks is dropped off a cliff, the second breakfast will hit the ground first.
5. Narcissus worried that the Hollandaise sauce was going straight to his hips, so he ordered egg-white omelettes instead until his friends held an intervention for him.
6. The Minotaur will spare you if you smuggle him in some cottage cheese.
7. “You would have seen me as I was when God breathed through my sword and all men feared me, when I was taller than anyone for ten miles in every direction, when I could chase a deer for a week without stopping to eat or drink, then bring its dressed and flayed carcass home, fresh as the dawn.”
8. Guess the waiter’s weight within five pounds, and you’ll get a free raisin scone. Guess it within two pounds, and they’ll remove the raisins for you.
9. The Walrus was Paul, and he worried incessantly that MorningStar Farms’ Maple Flavored Veggie Sausage Patties didn’t really contain 79% less fat than their pork-based cousins.
10. Your morning Red Bull will give you wings. You’ll try to tear them off in chunks, but they’ll grow back thicker and stronger than ever. Your BMI will be altered irreparably.
Tags: breakfast, health, myths, the most important meal of the day
Not gonna lie, I would totally bang a hot centaur. I mean come on
I guess centaurs are to women what mermaids are to men?
Hmm … sexy centaurs. Thats a catalogue waiting to happen.
there’s probably already a Youtube fetish channel
Or Youporn if we’re lucky
Boytaurs. Google it. Regret it.
nooooooooooooo my eyes
They’re probably hung like a horse.
“Feast your eyes upon my nudity, I am beauty AND the beast. I have plenty to say, but nobody listens, because my clock is so clean, the hour hand is missing.”
The trouble is, working on a stud farm, I’ve been involved with a lot of horse sauce, and really, it’d be disappointing. Less than a minute, every time.
that’s ok I’m a busy woman
HORSE SAUCE. I will never forget this phrase, or you.
Then my work here is done.
I’m actually glad I’m late to this article, because now my secret shame will be hidden from casual eyes, but Pierce Brosnan as a centaur in that tweeny Greek gods movie made me have inappropriate feelings. And he’s not even sleek Remington Steele-y! He’s all gruffy-scruffy and CENTAURY. And still.
helloooo Mr. Brosnan:
Eating breakfast might or might not help you lose weight. Eating breakfast for dinner, however, will help you gain happiness.
I have served breakfast for dinner to my daughter so many times that she now refuses to believe scrambled eggs are an appropriate breakfast food. “No, Mama, we have those for dinner.”
Further proof that you are raising your child right.
I had some amazing raisin french toast this weekend.
Wait are we accounting for air resistance with the feather/brick breakfast?
Isn’t there also some question about the height from which you drop them?
(high school physics is a looooong time ago for me)
From now on, I wear a bib when I make things involving jam.
I hate to ruin a good joke, and this is a really good joke, but the cited study doesn’t address the reason that some people tell you to eat breakfast. The whole ‘eat a good breakfast’ thing is part of an appetite management strategy.
But the cited study put everyone on a strict calorie count, so it made appetite management irrelevant.
Sorry to break the groove, but I feel I had to represent for intuitive eating.
I read breakfast studies like studies about the beneficial effects of alcohol. If they’re true, great. If not, so what? Breakfast is awesome and so is drinking.
Also: #8, hah.
Raisins do always taste like disappointment.
Why do raisins even exist when there are currants?
No, I’m pretty sure a centaur is horse-sized. Also a satyr is monster-sized.
Is the second #3 referencing “Up on Cripple Creek” or “The Weight”? Also, can I borrow some jam?
There are 2 #3’s. You’re really smart. I hate when you see those things on the internet with a list and then like “I bet you didn’t even know there were 2 #5’s” “And now you’re checking” like don’t tell me what to do. But I genuinely know would not notice.
Also, it has to be The Weight.. right?
African or European feathers?
I'm actually glad I'm late to this article, because now my secret shame will be hidden from casual eyes, but Pierce Brosnan as a centaur in that tweeny Greek gods movie made me have inappropriate feelings. And he's not even sleek Remington Steele-y! He's all gruffy-scruffy and CENTAURY. And still.