Utah: a land of contrasts. Utah is the greatest place in the world. They have everything: Taco Time and baby mini-horses and pumpkin patches, and also other things as well, most likely. In my time there I learned wonderful things.
1. A great many fervent young Mormons post videos of themselves receiving their mission calls to YouTube, and it’s kind of like that part in season seven of Buffy when Willow activates all the potential Slayers at once.
“Mission Call to Twins”
“Carpenter Twins Mission Call”
“Buffy Final Battle”
(This one is my favorite, by the way.)
2. I also learned of the FAKE MISSION CALL, wherein a mischievous young Mormon pranks one another by sending a pretend letter. It is very delightful. That said, I am slightly concerned about this excessively credulous young man.
“Dude…I switched your mission call.”
“You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in…the Antarctica? No way! Oh my gosh! What? Oh my gosh!…No freaking way!…You will prepare to preach the Gospel in the Emperor Penguin language…That’s what it says! I’ve never even heard of that!”
I fear life will occasionally not be kind to this adorable young man, but I wish him the best.
3. I became briefly and intensely obsessed with the BYU sketch comedy troupe “The Divine Comedy.” I did not think there were any Lord of the Rings jokes left in the world that I would be willing to hear; I was pleasantly surprised. “Gandalf Intervention” was delightful.
“Keeping It Clean” was another strong contender. The adult-women-as-five-year-olds bordered on creepy, but it’s a really solid sketch.
This one, though…I think I ended up watching it four or five times. It’s bananas. It has almost 40,000 views! I’m not in the habit of watching proposal- or wedding-related videos (I still haven’t seen the wedding dance thing from like five years ago), but I felt like I knew these people after falling asleep watching their very specific comedy stylings for a week in a row (Nicole goes to bed very early, and there are only so many times I can re-watch 30 Rock). Stephen and Whitney! I hope those two crazy kids make it!
Also, this was fantastic. You are free to have many problems with the It Gets Better Project, Lord knows, but this was a lovely video nonetheless.
I love everything about Utah. If any Mormon missionaries are in my neighborhood and want to talk about BYU or YouTube, come over. I’m not in the market for a new religion at the moment, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out.
Tags: a land of contrasts, mormons, things mallory does for no reason, utah
Oh! Just so we can move on and talk about the fun parts: Prop 8! The Book of Mormon musical! Joseph Smith was a bad husband! MORMONISM ISN’T CHRISTIANITY BECAUSE OF _____!
Perfect. Now that’s out of the way. GUYS I REALLY LOVE THE BYU SKETCH COMEDY TROUPE AND I WISH THEY WERE MY FRIENDS.
Be sure to offer Elders So-and-So hot cocoa.
OKAY
Mallory I’m not a Mormon but I will be your friend. Can we be friends? I will give you some of my lunch.
Mormon sketch comedy? *monocle pops off into champagne glass*
Oh uh, TRUE STORY: I grew up Mormon. Till I was nine. I got baptized at 8, got pneumonia and almost died. A hint from God if there ever was such a thing (which I don’t believe there is cause now I’m an athiest. Just kidding, I’m a terrifying Lovecraftian god!)
My favorite Mormon thing ever though is “oh my heck!” OH MY HECK! It’s never not hilarious to me, because I can’t go five minute without saying “fuck” so the “oh my heck!” people are like another species.
I love cursing and not-cursing equally. “What the cunt” is a favorite, as is “Oh, HECKLEBERRIES.” It’s all good out there, man.
THAT SAID I totally understand people who find the word “cunt” objectionable and I promise I won’t fling it around in front of you, you ol’ heckleberries.
I like to mix it up sometimes, and cuss like Hoss Cartwright on Bonanza. “Dagnabbit! Doggone it all. Dadburn it!” Then just when someone who’s overheard me is chuckling at my presumed wholesomeness, I bust out with some “goddamn shitsucking piece of fuckery!” and it’s allll over.
I’m partial to “gosh-fucking-darnit” and variants.
“Dang it all to heck” is my very Mormon mother’s favorite cuss. When I was very Mormon, I freely employed “trash!” and “fetch!” and “WHAT THE HECK.” And I loooooved talking about how cussing was for people who weren’t smart enough to think of other things to say. I was a very righteous little fucker.
Dang it all to heck is gold, solid gold. Because it’s two “non curse” cursewords together in ONE PHRASE! It’s just the absolute dickens, like what I imagine kittens say when they want to curse but they can’t because they are kittens.
Cursing Kittens is now the best thing happening in the magical world of my imagination.
Is this the part where we talk about Sons of Provo and their hit single “Dang, Fetch, Oh My Heck”?
BALLS.
my favorite. it just rolls off the tongue. and it’s really not a bad word!
BALLS.
Balls is my cuss of choice too! I’m also fond of using it to express sympathy: “Your Amazon order still hasn’t arrived? That’s balls.”
I apparently watch way too much semi-edgy basic cable, because I have taken to “What the shit?” like a motherfucker.
I’m a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss – I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Maybe YOU can visit HER next time
Musk?
Could that be from petting the mini-horses?
Who are these poor folks who don’t immediately recognize an Anchorman quote??
Things Mallory Learned in Chicago:
.
.
.
I’m kind of obsessed with the Mormon missionaries in my neighborhood. Their house is near me so I see them CONSTANTLY on their bikes, whether working in their ties or in casual clothes with their groceries all hanging of them. I’ve lived here for 4 years so I’m pretty sure it’s a revolving cast, but it’s always a brown haired kid and a blonde haired kid so basically it’s like they’re the same two people and just never age.
I’m delighted by the fake mission–I was wondering what would happen in those twin videos if one kid got Paris and the other got some boring place (like the house down the street from me).
I don’t understand why they’re always handsome. I haven’t seen an Elder in years and years, but when I was growing up in the suburbs, I sometimes had proto-pubescent feelings for the fresh, handsome Mormon boys. So serious in their suits!
I saw some Mormon missionaries get on the subway on my way to work, with their suitcases, as if they had just arrived to the city. And someone else held the door too long and it was one of those big morning subway messes, and after we started moving one of the Mormons just rolled his eyes and went “Jesus christ…” like I would if I were frustrated and YOU CANNOT SAY THAT, MORMON, CAN YOU? OH MY HECK.
Oh boy, it’s been a rough week for teenage boys, but watching these mission call videos is reminding me of how ridiculously adorable teenage boys can be. Like puppies! Wide-eyed, big-pawed puppies, falling all over themselves out there in the world.
The fact that I’m reacting this way definitely reinforces that I’m an old lady now.
I got frottaged by Elder Watts’s backpack on a bus last week. His fly was also down, and I felt so sad that his mission is to Pittsburgh of all places. I find the hierarchy of “cool” mission locations very depressing, actually.
Oh, Mormons. One of my very best friends growing up here in Kentucky was/is Mormon but she moved back to Provo with her family when we were in 7th or 8th grade. She was going to go on a mission to Indianapolis recently which was very exciting for me, because Indianapolis is very close to Kentucky. It didn’t end up working out, but I adore her. She’s also a feminist and a wonderful writer (she has published books! or A book, at least). I should encourage her to pitch here.
I’m also in Kentucky and went to high school with a TON of Mormons. One of them ended up getting his mission in Bali. BALI.
For some reason I’m having this “WHAT NO WAY” small-world type of deal to find two other Kentuckians here, which is bananas because there’s like 4 million people in the commonwealth. Either way, hello fellow bluegrassians!
I don’t know if you know about the most amazing hashtag ever? At least on instagram: #missionarygirlfriends
It was a game changer for me in terms of social media. It opened up a whole new world of possibilities! Did you know some MG even have blogs dedicated to waiting for their missionary to return home?! I did not know this!
Mision Call videos are amazing and also, they remind me of this thing my mum once said, which is that when she was but a young lass in post- war england, she totally wished she was a missionary. Since she is now and possibly has always been an atheist, I asked her what in heck she was thinking and she said, well, it seemed like one of the very few options for girls to travel independently in those days. Makes sense.
UTAH. My mother-in-law lives there. We go for thanksgiving. I love it so much. Can we talk about the SKIING? Because THE SKIING.
I grew up in Europe throughout a series of multiple international schools with the aim of *~broadening my mind*~ and *~exposing me to new cultures*~. An unexpected side effect was constant exposure to Mormonism, as every school had a not-insignificant contingent of Mormon kids accompanying their families on mysterious international Mormon adventures.
I’d play it cool, but was always secretly fascinated with their CTR rings, their refusal of Coca Cola, and their preternatural basketball skills. I spent a good chunk of the 8th grade at the Frankfurt International School trying to make my Mormon friend in Design Technology class slip up and swear. No dice.
I just got home from Utah and I am amazed by all the blonde people! Everywhere. At all times of day. Blonde. Blond. Did I mention they were everywhere?!?
Also the weak beer. We went to Squatters and I was expecting a good buzz from the microbrews. Not so with the 3.2 beer. Man I can drink Utah under the table!!!
Strawberry-blond, especially. I mean, it wasn’t the biggest gene pool originally. It is a state full of charming, sandy-haired, slightly credulous people.
The fact that Mormonism was historically quite racist (I’m not gonna argue about where it stands today) is somehow important here, but I can’t… quite… put my finger on it…. hmmmm.