Mild to moderate telekinesis
Occasional skin leakage
Shadow loss
Pearls or roses falling from mouth during speech
Reverse fingernails
Occasional resistance to thermodynamics
Breasts disappear
Precognition (for restaurant lunch specials only)
Total memory loss
Lung fossilization
Sudden-Onset Unexplained Eye Syndrome
Dawn terrors
Partial memory loss
Sound allergy
Total memory awareness
Muscle wandering
Constant involuntary daytime hissing
Occasional transfiguration into swan
Sudden quarrel with bees
Hag-fires
Total authority over the coming harvest
Inability to urinate
Mood removal
Neck migration
Unexplained gold
Permanent Tetris Effect
Phantom honesty
Periodic continent disappearance
Hearing but not seeing witches
Permanent dreams
Total ancestor loss
Living sphinx appears in garden
Increased air of maddening mystery
Sudden appearance of a graceful, mouthless lady’s companion
Uterus whirpool
Blood enlargement
Peaceful hands
Irreversible involuntary silence
Suspicious of trees
Unable to touch eggs without breaking them
Full-body hallucinations
Anger-induced earthquakes
Loss of ability to speak to birds
Back ecstasy
Some sleep-induced levitation
Reversible Death Syndrome
No longer needing to eat or drink; capable of living on light alone
Spiders suddenly understand and obey your commands
Spontaneous name change
Hundred-year coma
Begin speaking only in riddles
Minor haunting
Night resentment
Persistent hepatomancy
Inability to sing
Smiles that draw blood
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]
Tags: health, pregnancy, things your body can do, warning signs
This makes pregnancy sound awesome.
I don’t really want kids, but for the ability to control spiders and draw blood with a smile…
LOVE IT. Phantom honesty! Reverse fingernails! Minor haunting! Aaaagh, Toast, you are the greatest.
I read “Sudden quarrel with bees” and literally clasped my hands with delight, like a Victorian novel heroine.
Spiders suddenly understand and obey your commands…to get lost already.
But seriously, where can I get me some peaceful hands?
aww, memories.
Some of these are actually quite accurate. Haha.
“Inability to sing”
Whoops, guess I’d better start thinking of baby names.
“Sudden appearance of a graceful, mouthless lady’s companion” … eeeeeeeeek. But worth it, for the spider-controlling powers.
This had me crying at several points. Epic job.
Falling asleep on the floor of the house you and your husband are moving into during the movein.
If you develop the ability to control tropical storms, that’s a 2nd trimester thing, and you’ve totally missed all of the early symptoms.
I can’t tell if this makes me want to be pregnant or not
This totally explains my sudden constant involuntary daytime hissing.
i’ve been getting tetris effect, but with stupid match-three bejeweled knockoffs, but am pretty sure i’m not knocked up. pretty… sure.
Waiting for the sphinx to show up. Should I make any preparations to the garden for her?
Ha! I sent this to my husband because we’re hoping I’m currently pregnant. He responded: “I’m a little worried. Is this a real list?” Yes, yes it is. Would Mallory ever lie to us??
This happily brings to mind Bob Ducca’s lists of ailments from the Comedy Bang Bang podcast! Hooray lists of real/unreal/disturbing sicknesses.
Bob Ducca! <3 Comedy Bang Bang! <3 <3 <3
I sometimes listen to that list to cheer myself up. It always works: http://youtu.be/kHIegpSmIyw
fuck, this is so so good. Mallory, you are killing it today.
Agreed!!!!
Agreed!!!!
Thank you. I’m in a waiting-for-period-to-arrive-desperately-hoping-it-won’t-but-pretty-sure-it-will-because-it-did-every-bloody-time-for-the-last-year-and-a-half glump of teary depression and that actually made me laugh.
I have spent too many hours googling early pregnancy symptoms in hope.
I am literally crying in laughter. This does not happen often.
This was a delight.
Three points in and I start thinking ‘this is great. Who wrote this?’
*scrolls down*
‘Oh.’
Brilliant.
Quite an old post, I realize, but I just found it and wanted to mention that this reminds me of one of my favorite New Yorker pieces, “Please Read Before Suing” in all the best ways. 😀