I want a maxidress so big that it can hold all the regrets of my ancestors.
I want a maxidress that hides all of my flaws until no one left living in this world remembers the lies I told about her, or the way I convinced all of our friends, and eventually myself, that I had been the injured party and she the monster. It’s been so long now that I wouldn’t know how to find her and beg for her forgiveness until my mouth became comfortable with the shape of truth again; there’s no one left to make amends to.
I want a maxidress that covers a multitude of sins, even murder. Especially a murder.
I want a maxidress I can wear in all kinds of weather, no matter who else is lost to us in the storm.
I want a maxidress so full and flowing that even the river naiads, who are notoriously difficult to impress, mistake me for a roaring waterfall.
I want a maxidress that looks forgiving on everyone, so I can do something in the moments before I fall asleep besides carefully replaying every instance in my life where I’ve been wronged.
I want a maxidress so comfortable that I never wake up, or even want to.
[Image via Flickr]
<3 I love my maxidress even though it makes me look as though I am still pregnant (with triplets) and I can’t wear a bra with it. It’s the fucking best in 100 degree summers.
I’ve decided that my postpartum body makes me look like an ancient fertility goddess*. Fear me, men, for I will eat you and then give birth to something new and terrible.
*ancient misandrist fertility goddess
I like this. I’m going with this. Yeah. Pants with zippers are for SUCKERS.
I love that.
Hahahaa YES. I can make my own people. Top that, dickholes.
I finally purchased a maxidress a few weeks ago, and promptly ascended to a higher plane of Being. Here, there are no pants with waistbands that dig into your stomach or Spanx/”shaping” undergarments, and all bras fit so well it feels like you’re not wearing one. The weather is always warm and breezy, and it smells like earth and clean laundry just off the clothesline. It is truly a glorious place.
I had a baby in June and now like 99% of my wardrobe consists of maxi dresses. Big enough to hide my past, big enough to hide how little I give a shit about losing baby weight, big enough to hide an entire stash of wine coolers, and most importantly, big enough so that it flows around me as I swan from room to room, knowing that soon I will transcend this mortal life and ascend to the goddess.
Jayne I love you so much
I’ll take you with me when I ascend.
that’s not ascending to the goddess, that’s the sleep deprivation talking.
This speaks to my soul. The Canadian versions are those huge, trendy open cardigans made of sweatshirt material.
These:
http://m.chictopia.com/search/?q=Wilfred+Slouchy+…
I am pure and good and safe from discovery in these.
Mallory, aim high. All I want is a maxidress that comes with built-in bike shorts underneath.
Ooh, built-in bike shorts. I am a big fan of the bike shorts under the skirt thing because my thighs laugh heartily at any suggestions of any other anti-chafing efforts. But maybe not built-in… they can just include them as a stylish color-coordinating accessory to the dress for my convenience.
Good point, if they were built in, that would make peeing a big challenge. I like the color coordination idea better.
BUT THEN HOW WOULD YOU PEE? Be careful what you wish for.
I’m so short that midi dresses are pretty much maxi’s on me. 🙁
Ugh me too. And I am more of a size medium/large right now, but I still find that an XS or S is the perfect length and will almost always fit the rest of me, because it’s a MAXI. New York & Company has great maxis.
I have the opposite problem, maxi dresses look like awkward tea length dresses on me. 🙁 *inconveniently-sized lady solidarity fistbumps*
I am confused–where are y’all finding maxidresses that don’t serve as sweltering heat tents trapping & intensifying the hot air that vents off of my undercarriage? Me in a maxidress is basically one of those science experiments where they make a rain cloud in a bottle. I practically expect lightning storms. I’ll put up with it for a caftan (for obvious caftan reasons) but usually I can’t deal with Tropical Storm Bootysweat otherwise.
My other objection to them is that it makes it slightly harder to be aggressive about my body hair. But mostly the buttsweat.
When I managed the posh boutique a lifetime ago, one of the greatest selling points for maxidresses — in our wet, damp, air-conditioner-deprived New England summers — was “And it just floooooats. From [gestures at somewhere on ribcage, depending on the dress] here down, nothing touches your skin.” And then I’d be overcome with giggles, which I think was the clincher.
Ahhhhh, maxidresses.
I want a maxidress that gets up early, I want a maxidress that stays up late.
I want a maxidress with uninterrupted prosperity, who used a machete to cut through constricting garments.
Also good dividends, please
Someone write about caftans please! I offer as inspiration:
It would also go towards rectifying this sad result.
CAFTANS FOREVER
When y’all tell me where you find both these maxidresses that fit AND the body confidence to wear one, let me know. All of Target’s maxidresses are either JUMPSUITS or some twisty-strapped thing that mocks my necessary bra-wearing. I want a long black long-sleeved one to wear with stompy boots to intimidate patrons into being QUIET AT THE GODDAMNED COMPUTERS THE SIGNS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE I KNOW YOU CAN READ YOU’RE ON FACEBOOK RIGHT NOW.
Old Navy seems to be a pretty good source for maxidresses in the past couple of years. This fall’s batch come in two types – maxi sweater dresses and coven-friendly rayon jersey. They tend to run long, so you might have to hike them up to show off your stumpy boots.
Ooh, I’ve seen long-sleeved ones lately at TJ Maxx! I think by BCBG and Calvin Klein. I don’t know how they fit, though.
I’ve purchased a couple of the Target strappy ones and being a busty girl who must wear a bra, and also a librarian, I just pair them with cardigans. I’m also very short and had to hem up one of the maxi dresses but it was worth it!
Regarding the second requirement…I am about 2/3rds of the way through this phase. I am just so mad at her for breaking my heart! So mad I found myself yesterday saying something totally passive aggressive to one of her coworkers about their org’s event earlier this summer that she organized. Why Even Do That? I was on the way to date with another lady! (the answer is I am still so mad and so sad but I want to stop acting like this)
Someday I will find a maxi dress to cover this era of my life.