She woke up like she did every day: slowly pulling her motorcycle helmet off, then shaking her head slowly back and forth to reveal a long, blonde ponytail. Everyone gasped. "That's right," she said, kicking the winning football goal before sliding into a sheer, sexy camisole under a blazer and playing as hard as she worked, "I've been a girl this whole time."
EXT. DAY. Some sort of veldt or taiga or what have you. KRANDAR and UDASH, two CAVEMEN, are squatting in a position that maximizes hip elasticity and digestive health before we ruined it with our westernized "sitting," and poking at a fire. KRANDAR: So I've been thinking about asking Skirset to move in with me. UDASH: Really. KRANDAR: I...yeah. What, do you think it's not a good idea or something? UDASH: Why do you say that? KRANDAR:…
Previously in this series: A day in the life of Seth MacFarlane, normal human male. He bent down with a match crooked in his right hand. She pulled back, waving him off. "It's an electronic cigarette," she said by way of explanation. "It stays lit all day." "Just like me," he said, downing a gin. She smiled, but she didn't laugh. It wasn't the sort of joke you laughed at, exactly. Funny,…
My name is Allison Janney. I am -- I was -- an actress. I don't know what I am now.
I have been here, I think, a little less than a year. It's difficult to tell. There is no light in this building. At least there is no light that reaches me.
I tell others to thrive, but every day I remain here, I pray for death.
Other entries in this series can be found here. He woke up ambiguously. "Hmm," he seemed to say as he looked warily around him. Time for another day of swords or drugs or making business, whatever his job was. He lit seventeen cigarettes, because who the fuck cared. "I'm a man," he announced to the room. "I'm a goddamn man and sometimes I have to make the tough decisions that no one asked me to…
Previously: A Day in the Life of Dr. Oz "We'll be there for forty-five minutes, tops," Derek had said. "I just promised Angela we would come by. I'm sorry. I really am. But I swear it won't be that bad." Alix had rolled her eyes at him. "My one night out this whole week." "I knooow," Derek had groaned happily. "I'm awful, doing this to you. I'll buy you a diamond." "Derek." "Ruby diamonds. Ten of…
6:45 am: Choose to wake up. Most people let consciousness happen to them. This was why they so often developed diabetes and lymph resistance (also eating too much yeast). Dr. Oz chose to stop sleeping at the same time every morning, because it was time to save the world.
* 7:15 am: Eat steel-cut oats until satisfactory bowel movement achieved.
