Posts tagged “teenage dirtbags”

  1. Dirtbag Hamlet

    A GHOST appears.
    GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
    HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

  2. ZENOBIA: I would like to discuss the possibility of hiring another housekeeper if Mattie ever gets married
    as you know I'm chronically ill
    and the doctor insists I have a live-in carer to help treat my condition

    ETHAN FROME: jesus
    when did u get so cold

  3. HYPSIPYLE: welcome to Lemnos
    you will find there are no men here
    as we have murdered all our husbands

    JASON: niiiice

    HYPSIPYLE: you see, we neglected our worship of Aphrodite and as punish – what?

    JASON: aw yeah I like a challenge

    HYPSIPYLE: you misunderstand
    this place is cursed

  4. I'm off to a monastery for a few days because MY HEART IS A DESERT and I need to go sit by the sea and be quiet near some trees, but I want you to all talk about the most dirtbag summers of your lives.

  5. "I never got any handouts. No one pushed me out of the sea and covered me with jewels. I made myself."

  6. ZEUS: look, I have produced a daughter from mine own head
    this is Athena
    HERA: like fuck you did
    ZEUS: What? No, she truly just app –
    HERA: two can play this head-baby game, pal
    ZEUS: I didn't do this to offend you, it just –
    HERA: too late, I'm crowning

  7. ZEUS: sweet hells does my head ache
    ATHENA [bursts out of his skull in full armor]: surprise, fucko

  8. HROTHGAR: ah, Beowulf welcome to Heorot and the land of my people we have heard of your deeds from across the sea BEOWULF: yeah it's no big deal I pretty much swam here UNFERTH: Is't so? I heard you were bested by Breca in a swimming contest not three w– BEOWULF: yeah actually I once held my breath for like a million hours it was crazy my friends weren't even worried because I fight guys…

  9. hey babe im gonna be out late tonight dont wait up you'll have to take care of the kids but it should be pretty easy theyre dead so you dont really have to do anything lol MEDEA: Jason babe i love you SO much JASON: ahh i love you too MEDEA: and i'll do everything i can to make sure you complete the tasks my father set before you JASON: ahh…

  10. KARL MARX: [running up the stairs] more like crapitalism
    HENRIETTA MARX: what was that?
    KARL MARX: nothing

  11. MAZARIN: sire, Paris is revolting
    LOUIS XIV: lol youre damn right it is
    MAZARIN: sire please
    you make that joke every time there is a revolution
    and it is a very good one
    but there is an actual mob at the gates
    LOUIS XIV: so stay away from the gates then
    this place has like sixty rooms
    go find another one

  12. ANGEL: i just wanted you to know
    i've had sex before
    TESS [striking a match on his bare chest and lighting her cigarette]: yeah me too, guy
    I've even been to Suffolk
    ANGEL: what does Suffolk have to do with anything
    TESS: oh i thought we were just listing obvious shit to each other

  13. Previously in the Worst Boyfriends in Literary History Series: Lord Alfred Douglas. hey are you home rn yes can i come over who is this rimbaud who the poet? i sent you like a bunch of my poems and you said i should come to Paris anyhow im in Paris and i dont really know anyone here so idk where to sleep or live or eat or anything look don't worry about it just…

  14. REVEREND MOTHER: come here, Paul
    there remains one final test for you
    the test of the gom jabbar, the test of pain
    this will truly reveal whether you are the Kwisatz Haderach
    place your hand in my box
    PAUL: hahaha
    hell yeah
    u got it babe
    oh i see what you --
    grow up

  15. babe babe how much do you love me oh god are you in prison again? no what? no lol that was like one time in france it doesn't count as prison if you're in france anyhow what are you doing like right now I'm trying to finish The Importance of Being Earnest okay well stop doing that and sue my dad what? you should sue my dad why would I do that? he's been telling…