Jason Katzenstein’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
Jason Katzenstein is a nebbishy, bespectacled Brooklyn-based cartoonist. When he was young he dreamed of playing for the NBA but had to give that dream up because see first sentence. You can find his work in publications including MAD, Scene and Scooter Magazine.
Hey, our very existence is stubbornly trying to maintain a sense of control over this random-ass universe. If you’ve found a creative, funny way to do that and it makes you happy, that’s damn inspiring.
I always worry about the oven too. I even wrote a little leaving the house” checklist once and it had oven on it, right after the iron.
Was locking the door on there? Ours self-locks now, but I always used to have a mini freakout after leaving.
Not just locking the door but verifying that I had the key.
Automatically shutting off irons, removing the “did you unplug the iron” from my mental checklist since 2012.
I always do this too AND I DON’T EVEN USE MY OVEN 90% OF THE TIME.
“OCD isn’t real! You’re just stressed!”
“OCD isn’t real! You’re just a trauma victim.”
“OCD isn’t real! You’re just depressed. Here, take these heavy-duty anti-depressants that are not recommended for your age group. If you report any side-effects, such as suicidal thoughts and actions, I will tell you to stop being melodramatic. If you stop taking this medication and ask for a referral to an actual psychiatrist, I will lie about your diagnosis and say you’re unstable. Good luck with that!”
I don’t have OCD, but a lot of my anxiety-management practices center around control.
This is interesting. I’ve never really thought of it as being about control for me — I actually feel better when I’m NOT in control, because then I can be sure it is Not My Responsibility. What I’m looking for is perfect certainty that I haven’t fucked up— I’m just so terrified of doing something wrong, of not checking it that ONE LAST TIME to be ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE STOVE IS OFF, and counting each burner to be sure that they are off and lined up perfectly and not leaking gas so I don’t blow up my whole building, and that my car is COMPLETELY IN PARK with the BRAKE ENGAGED so it doesn’t roll away and run over a small child because what if I DIDN’T CHECK and I KILLED someone. So I need to check again and again, and I create all these rituals to try to make myself remember that I checked, and it was okay, and my brain can stop, but it just never never does. (Unless I’m drinking.)
I have found mindfulness techniques to be very helpful, surprisingly. Being in the present, focusing on being in my body, not in the endless, panicked loops of my mind. But, to be honest, I’ve also just developed a lot of avoidant behaviors to keep away from my triggers and minimize my responsibilities. Which is probably…not great.
If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were me. I’m the exact same way. If I leave the house ten seconds before someone else, well, then it’s not my responsibility to lock up. But if I’m the last person out, you can be darn sure I’ll triple check the door, on a good day. Let’s not talk about what bad days (or leaving on long trips) look like. And mindfulness has helped me a lot, too. But I’ve also stopped using my straightener altogether because I just can’t handle talking myself down on a daily basis like that…
“This is interesting. I’ve never really thought of it as being about control for me — I actually feel better when I’m NOT in control, because then I can be sure it is Not My Responsibility. What I’m looking for is perfect certainty that I haven’t fucked up”
No matter how my anxiety, OCD, and depression manifest, ^this is the core. Very well put.
Sometimes I check the stove by touching the knobs (to help remember that I checked) but then I worry that I accidentally turned it on! At that point, I start to feel like what this all turns into is that anxious-me (that insidious jerk) is straight-up refusing to acknowledge reality. Then I feel better for realizing that but also worse because…well, it's not good when you start distrusting reality. The good news is, I'm slowly but surely getting better. Every six months I look back and think "wow, I feel so much better than I did six months ago!" There are definitely setbacks from time to time, but just knowing that progress can happen helps make it happen. Oddly, as I'm heading to work and freaking out about my stove for the millionth time, being able to say to myself "I know this sucks now, but I know from experience (yesterday) that in an hour I'll have calmed down – I'll still worry, but it won't be as visceral" actually calms me down in and of itself. I hope you're finding what works for you, too!
PS Have you read why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers? I highly recommend it.
*mumbles* I, um, deleted and reposted my other comment because it was in the wrong spot. 🙂
Sometimes I check the stove by touching the knobs (to help remember that I checked) but then I worry that I accidentally turned it on! At that point, I start to feel like what this all turns into is that anxious-me (that insidious jerk) is straight-up refusing to acknowledge reality.
That is exactly what I do. Except now I don't let myself touch them, because it ends up making it worse, so I keep my hands tightly behind my back while I check. But yeah, weirdly enough, realizing the absurdity of some of these flights of fancy has helped me to sort out "oh, that thought is coming from OCD-brain, so I'm just gonna have to ride that one out." It seems like I can't really do anything about the initial flash of stomach-churning panic, but I can learn to handle it better. For the first time since this really got out of hand with me, about four years ago, I feel like I've made some actual progress this year! And I'm glad to hear that you are, too. (And it's kind of nice to know that I have an anxiety twin, even though it sucks that someone else has to go through this.) I hadn't heard of Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers! I'll have to check it out.
I always do this too AND I DON'T EVEN USE MY OVEN 90% OF THE TIME.
Ahh! Mine also got out of hand four years ago! It coincided with a ton of life changes.
A small warning about the (truly fantastic) book: the detailed explanations of anxiety (and what it does to you) can be, umm, unsettling. But ultimately I found that being able to understand what was happening in my body with that initial flash of panic has really been what's enabled me to handle what comes after. I say to my body "Science! Science says that although I will feel anxious for fifteen minutes, when blah blah blah happens it will begin to subside and if I breathe deeply blah blah blah will happen and you will NOT turn this into a full-blown, week-long panic spiral!" Plus Robert Sapolsky is one of those scientists who really makes things interesting and accessible to the layperson. Good luck, anxiety twin!
My OCD tends to spike when I’m depressed — I can usually tell when I’m coming into a depressive spell because I start doing tons of math problems all the time, scribbling them on napkins and in notebooks and sometimes just working them out in my head. Usually long division, sometimes multiplication, rarely more complicated formulas. When I was suicidally depressed I counted everything — I still count things as a soothing technique when I’m anxious or sad.
Does anyone else have intrusive thoughts as part of their OCD? I do, and it’s not as connected to my depression. They’re always there. I know they don’t belong to me because they’re so far divorced from how I actually feel that sometimes I think someone has said something out loud and I’ve just overheard it. They are embarrassing and I have only shared them with a few people. Anybody else have that?
Yes, I do, and I think it is another common manifestations. I call them ‘brain Tourettes’ because it’s like the illness wants to torture me with the most effed up thoughts imaginable and try and ruin my day with them. They used to really freak me out, but time and mindfulness has helped me just watch them and understand they’re not real, and allows them to fade away. They still happen, but they’re just brief events that usually don’t have a lasting effect. Interestingly, I only had ‘full-blown’ OCD (rituals, washing etc) for about a year in my teens, but the intrusive thoughts were the only thing to survive the fading away of that attack.
Thanks for that recommendation. My youngest is starting to get anxious about his anxiety, and I've been trying to find good ways of talking with him about it. (Probably I should have his dad do more of that, but he doesn't really like to talk about his OCD, except sometimes with me, mostly just when he worries the coffee pot is on but will be okay if I tell him it's not, etc.)
Anyway, the Zebra book looks like a good resource for me both for understanding better & for communicating with my loves. And I'm glad it's helped you develop some strategies that help you.
Yes, I do, and I think it is another common manifestations. I call them 'brain Tourettes' because it's like the illness wants to torture me with the most effed up thoughts imaginable and try and ruin my day with them. They used to really freak me out, but time and mindfulness has helped me just watch them and understand they're not real, and allows them to fade away. They still happen, but they're just brief events that usually don't have a lasting effect. Interestingly, I only had 'full-blown' OCD (rituals, washing etc) for about a year in my teens, but the intrusive thoughts were the only thing to survive the fading away of that attack.
Brilliant cartoon, and thanks for drawing it. Struggling with lifelong anxieties, I have done the exact same thing for decades, although mainly with nonfiction writing. Because oh man, hey, getting these words and lines and sounds under control … expressing my inner self in this masterly way, using what I thought was my one and only skill … which will show those things I’m afraid of (illness, disaster, terrorists, food, punishment) that I’m the boss here, because these words go exactly where I want them and I am doing this so very well … so surely this is a kind of magic spell, a powerful ritual which gives me some sense of control. I suspect that many people in all regions of the arts do this exact same thing. Please, Jason. Keep drawing.