SO MUCH YELLING.

We open with a pleasing nod to reality – by which I mean the global climate effects that appear to have been released by the viral-infected horde.

Movie Yelling With Jaya and Matt: Fear
Jaya: but also, and I know this is BOTHERSOME, but if a boy I liked just showed up in my room shirtless when I was 16 I would absolutely be DTF
Matt: glad that media is finally recognizing how horny ALL teens are

MALLORY: so this is not an Avengers movie

NICOLE: No.

MALLORY: even though a lot of Avengers were in it
this was a specifically Captain America movie

NICOLE: It is a Captain America movie.

Because I feel like it's been fifteen years and we've NEVER had that conversation as a society. How did we just let that slide?

Case In Point Of A:

N.B. 1: I mostly enjoyed this movie, except for the parts which made me furious, which I loved, because I really enjoy getting furious.

N.B. 2: This is unrelated but it felt pretty messed up that Captain America would kiss that blonde girl

Never forget this was the closing number in Gold Diggers of 1933, which is a little bit like ending Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with a scene from All Quiet on the Western Front.

For a start, the title of the production is grossly misleading. The subtitle promises an apocalypse, yet delivers only one American city under threat. While some may argue for a small, personal apocalypse, I cannot be satisfied with the word’s usage unless a good proportion of the living surface of the planet is in danger.

We can all think of actors who aren’t as appreciated as they should be, whether they are consistently stuck in roles that are beneath their talent, their screen persona is chronically misunderstood, or they have become a cultural meme that obscures the true beauty of what they create on that flickering screen.

In our opinion there is no filmic presence like that of Keanu Reeves. He’s unique, a gift to us all. We live here within

…

If I had no other obligations — and if I hadn’t wrecked my wrists a few years back — I would knit all the time; literally fall asleep knitting at night and pick it up as soon as I woke in the morning. (In this scenario I would also have maidens to feed me so I would not have to take any breaks to eat.) But because I don’t live in a fantasy, I mostly knit while

…

Twelve years ago, National Treasure was released. It is that movie where Nicholas Cage steals the Declaration of Independence, and it's perfect. I own the DVD even though DVDs aren't very useful now, and I have seen it upwards of fifteen times. Nine years ago, National Treasure 2 was released. It was good, not great, but it contained seeds of greatness.

I finally got to see Shanghai Express, which coincidentally was also my first movie with Anna May Wong, which I was TREMENDOUSLY excited about, and who did not disappoint. Oh man, her delivery of "I must confess. I don't quite know the standard of respectability that you demand in your boardinghouse, Mrs. Haggerty" made me lose the entirety of my itness.

TEA AND SYMPATHY: okay this is Tom, who is Morrissey
Tom has beautiful hair and ten thousand sweaters and no one understands him

ME [quietly, from the audience]: oh my God
I understand him

No really, I mean it. Why don't we?

Honest, no kidding – I think we could do it
Well, what have they got that we haven't? Exactly!
Well gee whiz, it can't be that hard

LIFE IS A VALE OF TEARS, THIS IS THE GREATEST MELODRAMA OF ALL TIME, DON'T @ ME, IT'S JUST BETTE DAVIS DYING NOBLY AND THEN RECKLESSLY AND THEN NOBLY AGAIN FOR TWO SOLID HOURS