Elon Green’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
With no vices. [1. Daniel Radcliffe interview: ‘Never trust a man with no vices.’”]
With egg on his face. [2. “Never Trust A Man (with Egg On His Face),” Adam Ant.]
With pinched nostrils and thin lips. [3. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Sonya Levien.]
With dirty fingernails. [4. Doctor Who, Robert Holmes.]
With a twisted tooth. [5. The Works and Life of Walter Savage Landor, Walter Savage Landor.]
On a motorbike. [6. Holiday Affair (Entangled Indulgence), Annie Seaton.]
In a horse trade. [7. The Phi Gamma Delta, Volume 7.]
Over 50 who still has an earring. [8. “Election Eve,” Fox News.]
That cannot laugh. [9. Christian Nation, Volume 29.]
That hides wine in the closet. [10. It Looked Like for Ever, Mark Harris.]
That don’t hold up and look you in the face. [11. The Clockmaker, Thomas Chandler Haliburton.]
That laughs from his neck up–an honest man laughs from his diaphragm. [12. The Medical Standard, Volume 23.]
Who loves animals. [13. “Passion Plays,” Larissa MacFarquhar.]
Who carries a handkerchief. [14. Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, Haruki Murakami.]
Who has found Jesus and still drives a Corvette. [15. Lily Wyatt, Will Aldis.]
Who wears sandal and diamond jewellery. [16. Swann, Carol Shields.]
Who has not bathed by the light of the Great Bear. [17. Plays in Prose and Verse, William Butler Yeats.]
Who was Protestant with half his head, and Romanist with the other half. [18. The Argosy, Volume 1.]
…with a horse called Nigel, is my favourite. I think it’s a Terry Pratchett one but I may be wrong.
With orange eyebrows!
Oh wait, fuck, it was never trust a DOG with orange eyebrows. Ugh. Same thing, I guess. Also, always get the young man’s name and address.
Indeed a terrific look there.
Wait, there have to be reasons?
Like, OH these specific kinds of men. I thought the title was just the whole thing.
I just thought, “I appreciate Toast really keeping it short and to the point during the busy holiday season.”
To be sure, I appreciate this handy list, for when you have more time and would like to prioritize.
When I was little my dad taught me “never trust a man who says ‘trust me'”. I would bellow it anytime he (or anyone) said it to me. Now it’s engrained and, as an adult, I realize the truth
That hath no music in him, nor is not moved by concord of sweet sounds; he is fit for treason, stratagems, and spoils; the motions of his spirit are dull as night, and his affections dark as Erebus.
See The Merchant of Venice or Vaughn-Williams’ “Serenade to Music.”
But I sometimes keep wine in my closet! I am a lady though, so this is a completely trustworthy action. Come have wine with me.
I only trust women who keep wine in places where wine is not traditionally kept.
This is a good rule of thumb. I mean, Linda Belcher once kept her wine in a “wine cozy” aka Louise’s old science fair, paper mache volcano.
. . . in a blue trenchcoat [Tom Waits].
I especially like that this is posted in “Beauty.” Because this is my beauty secret.
This is a good rule of thumb. I mean, Linda Belcher once kept her wine in a "wine cozy" aka Louise's old science fair, paper mache volcano.
“–Who Doesn’t Drink.” (old-timey-looking sign that Grandpa hung above the bar)
No, no, you've got it all wrong. It obviously means Titty Heist.
TIT HEIST
…who makes toys in a land where children are forbidden. (Yes, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is on for at least the third time this week and I am watching it.)
Reminds me of this webcomic (NSFW): http://oglaf.com/isle-of-tits/ http://oglaf.com/isle-of-tits/2/
"TT HE 1ST" which means he gets to go tee-tee first and everyone else has to wait.
(Also how ironic is it to have something trying to say "the first" and then having to change up the spelling because you were not the first?)