If Tom Hiddleston Were Your Boyfriend

by Alexandra Scott · May 12, 2016

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the two of you would start an informal collection of pictures of cats named after him. After a while the collection would take on a momentum of its own, and your closest friends would begin to contribute pictures. Then you would develop a complicated and ultimately unplayable drinking game in which the high score went to the person who was the first to find a new picture of two cats named ‘Benedict’ and ‘Hiddles.’

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would fully support your contention that people should not speak to each other in the mornings. As a result, mornings would become one of your favorite times together. You would move around the kitchen in silence, making coffee and passing each other marmalade, and occasionally leaning over his shoulder to take his pen and fill out a crossword clue for him. You would get some of your best ideas for stories in these quiet mornings together.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, when he talked in his sleep he would say things like, “The clockwork! The clockwork!” and “I’m not just a creature of your imagination!” He would never recall any of these statements when he woke up.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, your life would be full of moments where you’d just be standing in your yoga pants with your hair sticking up, waiting for the kettle to boil, when suddenly he’d pop up next to you and exclaim, “Dance break!” and you’d find yourself jitterbugging or tangoing or doing some other dance that you didn’t actually know you knew how to do, while the kettle whistled. This would also come to be your second favorite way of resolving a fight.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, when you and your mother fought, he’d lean against the wall and listen, arms crossed and face neutral but sympathetic, until finally he’d mouth, “Let me speak to her” and reach out for the phone. You’d listen as he talked calmly and sweetly to her until the two of them were laughing and swapping stories about you. Then he’d say, “Oh, I’m afraid she can’t come to the phone right now, she’s popped off to have a bath. Of course I’ll tell her. You too, Marie,” and then he’d ring off and grin at you.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would never break the spines on your books when he borrowed them, because he knows that drives you bananas.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the first time the two of you got high together, you’d get uncontrollable giggles and finally blurt, “We’re Hiddlestoned.” Then you’d have a terrible moment in which he stared blankly at you and you thought you’d ruined everything before he burst out laughing and said, “I adore you.”

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, you would come to appreciate digestive biscuits and he would come to love Oreos.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would really, really like your dog. He would sit on the sofa with your dog – where your dog is not allowed to sit – and call out to you, “Have you ever noticed how shiny he is?”

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would always want to take naps with you. These naps would stretch on from Saturday afternoon well into the evening, and when you woke up with your legs tangled together, he would rub his chin against your shoulder and say, “Can we please cancel our dinner plans and stay in?” You would obligingly say yes, even though both of you know that you always want to stay in because you never know what to say at parties.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would bother his agent until he got himself cast in “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” because he knows how much you love the show. When Phryne inevitably seduces him you won’t mind as much as you usually do when he has love scenes. Shortly after he’s revealed as the murderer, you’d receive a package wrapped in brown paper. You’d open it and discover your favorite of Miss Fisher’s actual coats, the black one with the embroidery. “Happy birthday,” he’d say. “It’s not my birthday,” you’d point out. “I know,” he’d say.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would let you reorganize the closet with the system you learned from The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. He would tell people at parties how amazing your closet-organizing system is and usher them into the bedroom to display the closet. He would get so excited about your system that he’d keep your guests in the bedroom for way too long making them look at your extraordinarily tidy closets and drawers and explaining to them just how to fold a shirt, and eventually you’d have to go in and rescue them, but you’d linger to kiss him as you both gaze at the closet. “I could just stay here all night,” he’d say. “Want to? They won’t miss us.”

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, you’d come to feel about men in suits the way you had previously felt about men in t-shirts and jeans.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, you would never, ever mention James Bond unless you had a free hour and a half to listen to him spin out. Secretly you would think he was more of a villain than a Bond, but because you love him, you would be supportive about his Bond aspirations.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, one night when you’d stayed up talking late, late, late into the evening, he’d look at you and say, “There’s something I want to tell you, something I’ve never told anyone.” And your heart would sink and leap all at the same time, but you’d simply take his hand and nod and say, “You can tell me anything. I love you.” A single tear would run down his face as he said, “I hope you’ll still love me afterwards.” Then he’d stand up and turn his back to you, and from that perfect back would emerge two immense wings. You’d never be able to decide, afterwards, if the feathers were black or white.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the next several months would be taken up trying to find an apartment with rooms big enough for you, him, your dog and his wings.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, when you walked past dark spaces – closed doors, alleyways, bodies of water at night – you would sometimes hear a low voice hissing, “Faaaalllllennnn.” You would never pay any attention.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would understand that there are times when you need to retreat to your bed with a stack of mystery novels and some Smartfood and a mysterious sense of despair. He would not bother you during these times, or try to tell you that everything was really fine, or ask when your period was going to be over. Instead, while you were lying in bed staring at the ceiling, full of remorse for having eaten an entire bag of Smartfood while ignoring all your work, he would sneak into the room and begin to put on a puppet show for you with antique hand puppets that he inherited from his Grandmother. You would try very hard not to be charmed by this, but you would not succeed.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, not even your neti pot would gross him out.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would send you flowers frequently and without occasion. He would favor poppies and sweet peas, or sprays of delphiniums, or giant tubs of gladiolas. “Never roses,” he’d say once, and you’d nod yes emphatically before realizing you had no idea why never roses.

*

Alexandra Scott is a musician, writer, provocateur and filmmaker of viral videos. She lives in New Orleans and is a devotee of reading, taking naps, being in costume, and making things.


238 Comments

  1. citizenchristy +185

    “Then he’d stand up and turn his back to you, and from that perfect back would emerge two immense wings. You’d never be able to decide, afterwards, if the feathers were black or white.”

    I can’t stop laughing.

  2. ppyajunebug +162

    THIS IS THE DAY CLEVERMANKA HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

    ETA: If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would really, really like your dog. He would sit on the sofa with your dog – where your dog is not allowed to sit – and call out to you, “Have you ever noticed how shiny he is?”

    HNNNNNNNNNNNG

    2. houblonchouffe +51

      I WAS LITERALLY ABOUT TO COME SAY THIS EXACT THING I HAVE NOT EVEN READ IT YET

    4. fallofasparrow +56

      THAT ONE ABOUT THE DOG REALLY AFFECTED ME????? i am very into imagining tom hiddleston staring thoughtfully at my dog and saying in all seriousness, “you know, he really is a good boy”

  3. cunninglarenarde +80

    I need to go home immediately and lay in bed all day fantasizing about this. I literally cannot go on now that I have seen this. *swooning*

      1. CleverManka +77

        I think I would be here all day except I have a date to touch up my roots at noon DAMN IT.

        3. lavaloving +23

          *heart attack from sugar overload*

          I think i just found my new favorite gif

        6. Unreadaethel +16

          I actually wish I could see its wee face better. This is the only downside to a .gif of Tom Hiddleston stroking a cat.

        7. caatness +57

          Just when I thought I was basically immune to the true Hiddlelust. Do I want that kitten? Do I want to be that kitten? Do I want to be Tom? Do I want to be in the middle? Do I need both of them in my lap? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THESE FEELINGS BUT LO, THEY ARE INTENSE. Am I you, now??

        8. gcf +23

          See?! Bond villain! That animal is one pigment mutation away from being the perfect villain accessory.

    6. Goomaly +55

      Honestly my first thought upon seeing this article was that you wrote this.

    7. CleverManka +47

      Okay just a few more random additions before I have to leave for the day!


      and now my darlings, I must leave you.

      1. swordsnspindles +20

        Nnnoo dooon’t stoop… I just got here and work has been awful and I need more Hiddles gifs?

          1. Unreadaethel +17

            I was thinking of that one, and also the red carpet one where he’s saying “bless you for saying that.” I’m at least semi-fluent in CleverManka gifs at this point.

  5. perianwen +58

    Mornings should be quiet! Well done, Tom.

    (if you didn’t catch the most recent Graham Norton, he was on again, charming as usual)

    1. TheRenleigh +13

      RIGHT? Mornings are not for talking! We have the rest of the day for that!

  6. sednarea51 +167

    I was charmed by this from the first paragraph. And then it swung hard right into wingfic and I screamed in delight. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

    3. NotThatAmy +15

      I am literally bouncing up and down and concentrating on breathing through my nose to not make the most embarrassing fangirl screams in my office at work.

    1. 30Litresof +51

      Also I realised after watching the latest episode of Bob’s Burgers that I feel about Tom Hiddleston the way Louise does about Boo Boo he’s just STUPID and WORTHLESS and BEAUTIFUL and if I could JUST SLAP HIS STUPID BEAUTIFUL FACE I would be fine and HNNNNGGGH.

      2. SingArielSing +25

        “Disgusting beautiful garbage angel” is especially appropriate for this post!

    1. KZK +27

      Oy, same.

      “Take a quick break,” my brain prodded. “A quick visit to The Toast will do you good,” it urged. And now, here I am, totally and completely useless.

  10. SecretBelievers +94

    OK but where do I sign the petition to get him to be on Miss Fisher’s in reality???

    (And also the petition for season 4 right dang now)

    1. Eris +38

      Honestly, that was my favorite part of this whole thing. A world in which we have a season 4 of Miss Fisher’s, can you imagine?

    2. Coffeegirl_Karin +19

      Miss Fisher is the BEST and I may or may not have squee’d out loud at my desk.

      2. SecretBelievers +44

        Just imagine the copious amounts of manful, sexually-charged intense gazes!

    4. viviennestreet +14

      Does Phryne ever seduce the bad guy, though? I can’t think of a time when it happens.

      1. SecretBelievers +19

        She’s definitely seduced dudes she suspected of being the bad guy, and flirted with many more. I think all of them were innocent in the end, though. I guess I’ll just have to rewatch all 3 seasons to make sure :p

      2. catcet +11

        Wasn’t there something like a young crew-rowing guy in season one who she seduced and then it turned out he’d murdered someone for an inheritance? I may be misremembering some part of this…

        1. writingortyping +10

          She declined to be “lustfully compromised” by that one.

          No, I haven’t rewatched the series more than should be legal, why do you ask? WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE? *points* *runs*

        2. Es_Petal +4

          In the book that one’s taken from it’s his friend who she seduces, but I can’t remember if they amalgamated the boys for the TV show.

    5. meghan +6

      season 4 also needs to have a kylie minogue guest spot (preferably as a femme fatale) because how the heck hasn’t she been on the show yet?!

  11. ipomoea +144

    Please tell me that there’s a NSFW sequel involving the sex games where Tom wears a black suit with the shirt collar and tie undone and speaks VERY STERNLY to me/you.

    1. cunninglarenarde +44

      YES!! When he told everyone to kneel in the Thor movies, my mind went to very, very naughty places…

  12. TheasyPeasy +33

    So, I already prefer digestives to Oreos by miles and miles so does this mean I’m already partway to being his girlfriend? I’m going to say yes, absolutely.

  13. quotidianc +22

    Does anyone else listen to Kermode and Mayo’s film review programme? They interviewed Hiddleston in last week’s episode and he brought in a guitar and sang a couple of songs, with Kermode backing on double bass. It was wonderful.

    2. Scared_Vagina +10

      OMG I haven’t listened to last week’s yet but I am starting it RIGHT NOW.

      Also totally jazzed but not at all surprised to find that there are Wittertainees among the Toast community.

        1. Scared_Vagina +2

          But of course! I am in London though so it is a veritable forest of witter fans.

      2. Scared_Vagina +5

        Update I listened to it while walking home and I GRINNED ALL THE WAY especially at the part where he casually references Lemonade.

  14. Es_Petal +47

    I was so torn when I saw this, whether to savour the article with the joy it deserves or head straight to the comments to look for the gifs.

  15. EnchiladaTaco +64

    THIS IS SO RELEVANT I WAS WATCHING HOLLOW CROWN LAST NIGHT.

    They pour wine over him, people. And he stays that way for two scenes!!

      1. CleverManka +45

        There’s also this

        and later, this

        I highly recommend this series is what I’m saying.

        1. EnchiladaTaco +16

          Bless you. Poins could get it, too. I wasn’t mad at seeing him sans shirt.

          1. CleverManka +29

            Soon after it aired, I read some lovely Hal/Poins fic. It’s out there.

          1. CleverManka +22

            I mean, it’s really a very good production for other than just Hiddleston but I can’t lie and say he wasn’t my main draw.

          3. Kate +7

            I keep hoping they will find a way to incorporate him as a ghost. Kind of like Hamlet? I mean, it is Shakespeare, it seems fair to me.

        3. hey_smalls +12

          I just had to violently slam my laptop shut as my boss walked by. This is what I get for scrolling this far.

    3. perianwen +11

      *sigh*
      I really need to watch this sooner rather than later, don’t I. Why can I not just have a nice rainy weekend where I can ensconce myself in the couch with a nice cup of tea & these DVDs?

      1. blushingflower +11

        THAT’S what I should have been doing for the past 16 days (sorry, I am having Feelings about the record the DC region has just set for “consecutive days with measurable rainfall”)

        1. perianwen +7

          We REALLY need to swap North America’s east/west coast weather patterns right now. I live in a temperate rainforest, supposedly! But you’d never know it from the past few months. *cries*

    4. GinnyQ9 +21

      WAIT. There is a BBC mini-series of the Henry tetralogy where Tom Hiddleston plays Prince Hal, (in)arguably Shakespeare’s hottest male hero (most certainly in the histories)?

      This is why I love The Toast. Thank you all so much 😀

      1. EnchiladaTaco +30

        First, there’s a Richard II with Ben Wishaw and Patrick Stewart as John of Gaunt!!!!! Then there’s both parts of Henry IV, with Jeremy Irons and Tom, and of course H5. IT IS THE BEST THING.

        They just started showing the next tetralogy in the UK, with the Frumious Cumberbatch as Richard III. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

        1. Sarah +9

          Ben Whishaw as Richard is my favourite thing. And that’s even with having just gone to see David Tennant do it a few weeks ago. Seriously I don’t think Whishaw is even from our planet.

      3. Es_Petal +3

        And it’s really good. I got the DVD a while ago, took ages to get round to watching it because it’s massively long and really wished I had got on with it sooner.

  16. GingerHawk +43

    I have not even finished reading this and I just want to say this is my last day at my job and this is the best gift I could ever hope for.

  17. srijanisays +37

    YES! YES!YES!!!!!!
    Hiddleston to nap with me and handle my arguments with my mother, this is what I had been waiting for all my life.

  18. littlewren42 +90

    Meanwhile the Mallorys of the world are shaking their heads and muttering the words “milk toast” under their breath.

    1. SecretBelievers +15

      My husband always complains because he likes rich teas better…he still eats them, though.

      Dark chocolate digestives 4ever!

        1. SecretBelievers +1

          I’ve never even seen them. Citrus is a no-go for my stomach though :'(

      2. claritasessaypolishing +3

        CUSTARD CREAMS: to dunk or not?
        (I am firmly in the “dunking” camp re: them.)

    2. perianwen +14

      Perhaps they just need Tom to pay them a visit and gently explain why they are a better cookie.

      1. houblonchouffe +10

        or

        (see above)

        very strictly tell them why Digestives are a better cookie

  20. lisakennelly +19

    HOW did you know about the neti pot part of my personal Tom Hiddleston head canon?? HOW????

  21. raqueue +82

    “If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, you’d spend Sunday mornings reading Dorothy Sayers together, swapping novels, and reading aloud the best bits. One morning, you’d turn to him and say, ‘Y’know, you’d make an excellent Peter’. He’d demur, laughing that he’d never pull the affectation off. The next week, you’d learn that he’s suggested it to his agent.”

    1. tiny_bookbot +21

      IT’S TRUE

      I was just complaining to a friend about how I want a new Peter Wimsey series.

      1. Es_Petal +22

        The FB Wimsey group is a land divided over whether Hiddles ought to play him. It is impressive how much some people care either way, given there is no actual plan for itto happen.

        1. raqueue +11

          It’s a very divisive subject for such a hypothetical possibility. Apparently there’s not enough fair-haired idiosyncratic British actors.

    2. Snarkasm +11

      So my first thought to this was “Wimsey hands!” and then “But maybe Cumberbatch?”

        1. Es_Petal +2

          I reckon if Tom Cruise can have a movie career and you not notice he is teeny tiny, we could work something out for Tom as Wimsey.

      2. Athingwithfeathers +1

        I love LP and Hiddles, but I must argue for BC to play the quirky Sayers aristocratic detective.

        1. Snarkasm +1

          I haven’t read much with Bunter, but what about BC as Wimsey and Hiddles as Bunter? I feel like the two of them would be up for it. Although the resulting slashfic might cripple the internet indefinitely.

          Alternately, Martin Freeman, but I’d kind of like to see that dynamic shaken up a bit.

  22. helvetica547 +203

    “Secretly you would think he was more of a villain than a Bond”

    I love Tom a lot and while I would also support his Bond ambitions, he is *clearly* meant to be a villain. A villain who starts out as a perfectly bland ordinary guy and then mid-way is revealed to have masterminded something exquisitely elegant for Bond – played by Idris Elba – to overcome.
    There would be a scene where they’d just be sipping martinis, raising eyebrows at each other, without uttering a single word.

    5. RosaRachel +24

      I made it through this entire essay but with this comment you have killed me. Killed me dead. Please pray for my immortal soul, fellow toasties.

    6. Katiezog +31

      Is it cool if I imagine them shirtless in this scene? I feel they need to be shirtless.

      1. gcf +52

        If we can put a man on the moon, we can contrive a way to put a topless Hiddles bond villain with Elba-bond, surely. Possibilities:
        sauna or other watery location where perhaps he could emerge soaking, making everyon- I mean everything wet
        Hiddles interrupted in private, semi-nude moment with his shark tank/albino tiger
        Hiddles interrupted training in some obscure martial art in his mansion – he casually puts on a delightful embroidered housecoat and invites Elba-bond to his suggestive leather-intensive man-room with bar to verbally spar

    1. winterbymorning +9

      I am all for breaking the spines on books pre-emptively. It’s going to happen eventually no matter how you try to ward against it, may as well just get it out of the way!

  26. Megano! +34

    “If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would fully support your contention that people should not speak to each other in the mornings.”

    YESSSSSSS. Also omg luxurious sexy naps are definitely my favourite thing about having a partner. I *almost* miss my terrible ex, or at least feel very nostalgic.

    1. GinnyQ9 +9

      My husband never wants to nap with me. Every time he says no, even though he always does, I feel the disappointment as if it were the first time. One day he might say yes, though …

      1. treiale +8

        I’m not saying I’d want to open up my relationship simply so that I can snuggle-nap with someone because my husband hates naps, but I’m not NOT saying it…

  27. geekcrackteam +66

    I was going to vehemently scream for you all to get out of my head, except this got so weird ya’ll can have it.

    I’m just praying someone sends this to him on Twitter. He’d get so very flustered.

        1. geekcrackteam +50

          Lets be honest, he’d probably politely X out of it and never make himself known so we wouldn’t be embarrassed.

      3. cosetthetable +25

        What if he’s a regular poster already?

        I firmly believe that there’s at least one or two famous or internet-famous people who post around these parts regularly without linking it to their more famous identity. Maybe Tom is one of them.

    2. CleverManka +67

      I’m just praying someone sends this to him on Twitter.

      DO NOT CROSS THE STREAMS NOOOOOOOOOOO

      1. geekcrackteam +59

        (I am not ok with the crush I have on Tom Hiddleston. Just seeing a picture of him makes me giggle uncontrollably. A picture. Of a man I’ll never meet. NOT OK.

        1. CleverManka +49

          YEP. I’ve been living with these pants-feelings since THOR. Five years, now. Christ.

        3. macaroni +11

          I realized about a month or so ago that the reason I have such a crush on him is because he and my husband could be related. I mean, it’s still as strong as ever, but confirmed I definitely have a type.

  28. larsgarvey +30

    “‘Never roses,’ he’d say once, and you’d nod yes emphatically before realizing you had no idea why never roses.”

    Fantastic closing sentence. Also the wonderfully unexpected suggestion that this beautiful man is a fallen angel was perfect.

    And now I just want to go home and finish up “The Night Manager.” And it’s not even 9 am here in Seattle. This day is going to go *so great*!

    1. CleverManka +27

      I have to admit the uncharitable part of me (i.e. the 99.9%) screamed “GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU WHITE FEMINIST GARBAGE”

      But he did look like he was having a good time and the sweating part was very nice.

      1. Lucy +30

        But if Tom Hiddleston were HER boyfriend, he’dhelp educate her about intersectional feminism, she’d atone for her past sins, and she’d be a better person for it. 😉

    3. builtahouse +6

      I AM RUINED FOREVER.

      (learned how to swing-dance in college, and just NO ONE knows how to partner dance anymore and this was too much. Just sent it to all my friends shrieking about it.)

  31. Kathleen +12

    “I’m not just a creature of your imagination.” And thank God for that (though it’s only sort of true).

  32. MopRocks +35

    “A single tear would run down his face as he said, “I hope you’ll still love me afterwards.” Then he’d stand up and turn his back to you, and from that perfect back would emerge two immense wings. You’d never be able to decide, afterwards, if the feathers were black or white.”

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHZAHAHKFKSGKUFDEHG<LWKHG

  33. Lorena +10

    I love everything about this article! My DAY has been made. THANK YOU Alexandra. 🙂

  34. neptunesnachos +45

    This is not a David Lynch movie this is Los Angeles. A photographer buddy of mine works for Marvel, and is friends with Clive Barker, who throws massive orgies every month. Apparently at the most recent orgy, Tom, Chris Evans, and a gaggle of glistening youths formed a make out ball in the pool while Chris Katan and Fiona Apple had sex in front of everyone.

        1. hawthorn_tree +16

          Clive Barker does seem like the guy who’d host orgies (a sadly lacking characteristic in my friend groups)

          1. CleverManka +12

            I 100% believe that he has orgies. Who attends them I can’t say. But since Hollywood orgies figure largely and with detail in his book Coldheart Canyon, I don’t think they’re outside the realm of likelihood.

        2. aiquale +6

          Well, shit! Spill those deets, sis! I’m going to need to know more. If you could elaborate on:

          Apparently at the most recent orgy, Tom, Chris Evans, and a gaggle of glistening youths formed a make out ball in the pool

          I’d be most grateful, pls and ty.

  35. longlostlullaby +13

    There is no man on earth worth appreciating digestive biscuits for.

  37. Mamunia +24

    You people are doing brilliant work. My heart fluttered reading these and I don’t even have an opinion on T.H. on any other day. I’m afraid that one of you will do my ubercrush, Ewan McGregor and my heart will explode.

  38. swordsnspindles +13

    Oh Toast, how did you know I had a terrible work week, and how do you know the exact perfect way to cheer me up?

  39. q-s-t-d +21

    Well, roses are for people who need a “language of roses” guide to help them decide what to say to their love. Roses are for funerals and posh gardens one isn’t allowed to enter. (also for people who like roses, of course, but I am fully on board with the ‘never roses’ sentiment)

  40. vmrvictoria +48

    In my head, I think:
    If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, you would want to take him out dancing, only your signals would get crossed. He would prepare for a night of waltzing, convinced you wanted old-fashioned romance. “A cravat has no place at the club,” you’d say, shaking your head, insisting on staying home instead. A few days later, you would hear him on the phone. “Yes, Tilda, I will repeat ‘women contain multitudes’ so you don’t have to travel to box my ears.”

    1. 30Litresof +24

      I am fully convinced they fucked while filming Only Lovers Left Alive. She kept holding his hand while they were doing press stuff in Cannes and also it would be a crime against nature if they hadn’t.

  41. hairouna +34

    “If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend he would take your discussions on womanism very seriously. One day you would see an open tab with an Evernote listing all of your book recommendations. On Conan he’d say he was reading Roxanne Gay.”

  42. hairouna +48

    “If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend you would send him out to the beauty supply store when you ran out in the middle of doing your twists. He’d call from the hair aisle, ‘Love is it the one in the purple and gold pack or the purple and silver? What is “remy”?’ He’d buy three packs of both just in case.”

  43. Brian Broadus +21

    I smell Pulitzer. Or, perhaps that’s the delicate aroma of Hiddleston as he strides confidently in his borrowed Speedo from out of the Spanish surf while playing Jonathan Pine in the BBC miniseries, “The Night Manager.”

    For anyone who’s interested less in an unreachable Tom than an available, much-used-but-kind-of-fun-and-probably-a-lot-like-Hiddleston-as-far-you-know substitute, ring me.

  44. goonerkate +19

    Yes, all of this is great and ideal and the Miss Fisher thing made me feel feelings I didn’t know I had, but WHY DOES HE HAVE WINGS THOUGH?! Why is that not a bigger question here? (Insert the “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills” gif from Zoolander).

    1. megalesias +28

      honestly it’s mostly that I’ve learned never to question wingfic. you have to just let it happen.

  45. Rillquiet +21

    If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, he would agree that the problem isn’t that you can’t keep your heels down at the canter, it’s that most horses are too narrow-barreled to fill out your long legs, so of course they go forward and your heels come up! You would commiserate about how challenging this was, but both of you would secretly admit to yourselves that you really just needed position work. (My dressage feels and my if X were your Y feels have substantial areas of overlap.)

    1. Es_Petal +9

      I’d sympathise, but I’m 5’2 and ride very round ponies… Tom could figure out why I collapse my left hip though, I’m sure.

      1. Rillquiet +21

        He is adorable, but his riding is not (yet) Mortensen-level perfect, a trait that humanizes him and makes him approachable.

        YOUNG MAN GET THOSE TOES SKYWARD POST-HASTILY.

    2. EnchiladaTaco +10

      And he would never make smug comments like “have you tried dropping your stirrups for half your ride?” or “you just need to think about it harder”.

      1. Rillquiet +8

        Tom would understand what it is to struggle with the mystery of the outside rein. (And I would learn tests a lot faster if he were the reader–heeey, now there’s an idea for an app for a small but very interested audience.)

        1. EnchiladaTaco +5

          My dressage trainer was so angered by my excessively mobile right hand that I spent six months riding with it planted just in front of the saddle. I am here for you and your outside rein issues.

          2. swords-and-spindles +7

            They’re talking about horse things. Everybody just back away slowly.

    3. geekcrackteam +8

      I love you all deeply and if you ever want to create a toasty dressage comm I am here for it.

      Also hiddles equitation pains me, but it’s a good thing because I cannot stand dating guys who think they’re better riders than me. Or just better horsemen (I groomed for Olympic eventers, trust me when I tell you how to feed up a TB.)

      I still can’t rewatch war horse because Cumberland and hiddles have appalling equitation and both need their stirrups put up at least two holes and *get your ass out if that saddle when you gallop you heathens.*. (I know there’s an element of historical accuracy because WW1 was before the forward seat was fully adopted, but they’re in a weird place of attempting to do both and just looking stupid.)

  46. hawthorn_tree +17

    “antique hand puppets that he inherited from his Grandmother”

    YES. Yes, only heirloom puppets can cheer me.

  47. Jessargh +10

    now I’m crying a little bit because I hate roses and poppies are my very favorite and why are you doing this to me

  48. mattintoledo +21

    I’m not one to act like I can’t tell if men are good-looking. But sometimes there will be a guy I hear a number of women say is attractive and I’ll be vexed. “Really? Him?”

    Tom Hiddleston had always kind been one of those guys. Then I saw the photo underneath the title and thought, “Oh, now I see.”

  49. danelleorange +29

    I told myself I shouldn’t read this in a meeting.

    And then I read it in a meeting, so I’m blushing about document management, which is awkward.

  50. Tarragoner +17

    I haven’t really liked an actor in a long time, but I must say…Night Manager Tom is pretty darn sexy.

    But if he were my boyfriend I’d put him on a glass shelf with nice lighting and dust him a lot.

  51. treiale +12

    Well THANKS, I didn’t have a crush on him BEFORE but NOW you’ve got me thinking all this weird and believable stuff and DAMNIT I don’t need another crush damnit damnit.

    Wings, though. How did you know?!

  52. meghan +6

    Miss Fisher has never slept with the murderer just suspects. Flirted with, yes, but the guys she sleeps with never end up being the real killer. It’s actually a good way to help deduce who the murderer is.

    But other than that this was perfect especially the turn it took with the wings.

  54. annakarina +2

    “When Phryne inevitably seduces him you won’t mind as much as you usually do when he has love scenes.”

    Mind! I LIVE for Phryne’s seduction scenes.

  55. bookwormV +5

    Tom Hiddleston is very attractive, but I don’t think I could date an Old Etonian without having serious class issues. Also, digestives (unless we’re talking about the chocolate ones) are dull.

  56. joey +7

    OK SO my claim to fame is that a darling friend of mine sublet a room in a flat in London from Tom Hiddleston’s sister. Apparently he came over for a family dinner once (and probably other times too, but she can’t remember as it was a few years ago now).

    Oh oh oh! and another friend was a few years behind him at Pembroke and they had friends in common through theatre/acting stuff.

    So basically TH is *already* my boyfriend.

  57. BookishBroad

    Well, shit! Spill those deets, sis! I'm going to need to know more. If you could elaborate on:

    Apparently at the most recent orgy, Tom, Chris Evans, and a gaggle of glistening youths formed a make out ball in the pool

    I'd be most grateful, pls and ty.

  60. Christina

    Considering that 90% of the fandom came to be due to Loki, that's where I would start! LOL Seriously, though, it was Tom's portrayal of Loki. The acting is just phenom. Then I started noticing (what appears to be) his personality in interviews and meeting fans. I probably wouldn't give Tom a 2nd look on the street (not my type). But from what I have observed, he has a wonderfully kind and generous heart, humble soul, scary intelligent mind….which all adds up to doing everything for me. LOL

  61. Caro

    I'd like to remind you that the Witr app has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BBC! (Hello to Jason.)