The Bartender has lost a dear friend and teacher (RIP, D.R.), and the country is a nightmare right now, so let’s have our open thread without further ado, and you are encouraged to bring your worst self to the conversation. Please enjoy Titian’s Pietà, a painting The Bartender’s friend devoted many decades to studying.
Sorry to hear about your friend, Bartender. 🙁
I went to therapy last night (thank you all for your encouragement, I really appreciate it) and one of the things she wants me to do is find activities which make me feel powerful. She suggested karate, yoga, bellydancing…but I don’t know that any of those feel like me, especially as I’m struggling with some self-esteem issues at the moment. What works for you?
I have heard from a variety of women that bellydancing is WONDERFUL for empowerment, and typically the women who are taking part (in my experience) are all sizes and shapes and very supportive.
I (uncoordinated, inflexible, self-conscious, etc) have done bellydancing at various points in my life and LOVED it. Highly recommend for empowerment and all that.
Maybe that’s one I’ll have to look into a little more.
I have thought about trying to find a place I could do it as well, actually. Yoga intimidates the hell out of me.
The trainer I see with my parents (in the comfort of their basement, which I appreciate) does yoga sessions for us every so often, and I really enjoy them, but I’m too nervous to try it in a class setting.
Yeah, the yoga classes I have seen seem to typically be filled with incredibly in-shape women who are somehow perfectly coiffed even for yoga and it feels very clique-y.
I started yoga by realizing my regular gym had yoga classes! It was a lot less Perfect Yoga People and more People Who Usually Just Hop On The Treadmill And Actually Sweat And Fall Over. So that helped! Maybe a gym nearby would be more like that for you?
I’d suggest this as well. I find yoga studios intimidating. But the yoga class I used to take at the gym was low key and had people of all different ages, sizes and ability level. I did my belly dancing classes at the gym too, and it was similar.
Oooh, yeah, gym class yoga is really fun! Where I go, the class is really diverse — mostly youngish ladies, but also some older ladies and even some older gents (who are SO FREAKING GOOD AT LIZARD POSE WHAT HOW IS MY 25 YEAR OLD BODY SO MUCH LESS FLEXIBLE THAN YOUR 70 YEAR OLD DUDE BODY). Also the instructor is the sweetest, most supportive woman I’ve ever met, and she really knows her yoga-stuff and is genuinely dedicated to learning the cultural aspect of it, AND she gives us 10-15 minutes of shavasana which is basically just laying on the floor and napping for a little bit while she goes around giving mini neck massages.
I’m a little bit in love with my yoga teacher, I won’t lie.
Somehow I never minded being the “worst” person in a yoga class. I would recommend hatha as opposed to other styles. I am not in good shape and not at all naturally flexible, and there were still a couple of poses I could do quite well, pretty quickly!
The first yoga class I ever took was at my hometown community college. They do a lot of non-credit stuff that you can enroll in, from photography and cooking to water aerobics and dance. The yoga teacher was a heavier woman and she was great,. I was also probably the youngest person in that class. Currently my yoga class is offered via my company for free and one of the instructors is a coworker and she is amazeballs.
When I was a very depressed 20-something, my mom signed me up for belly dancing. And I dreaded it for the reasons you state above. But when I got there, it was a bunch of rowdy, post-menopausal who were deep into the IDGAF stage of their lives. It was glorious. And just what I needed. Also, may I recommend roller derby?
I am going to see if Calgary has a roller derby league, I think. At least get my skating skills up even if I don’t make a team.
They do! Calgary Roller Derby Association. And your city has a roller rink! So lucky.
Thanks for doing my Google legwork, you’re awesome!
I really enjoy my husband’s boxing video game (xbox something? I’m a video game dummy). I’m not sure I’m up for the real thing, but virtually kicking someone’s ass is a lot of fun.
Ooh! My sister has a Wii, and doing the Zumba game with her is really fun, too. I could get behind some virtual-ass-kicking. Maybe they have a boxing game.
It’s boxing within Kinect Sports. And you destroy me at it every time.
I loved archery, actually. Slow, contemplative, and you drive arrows into things.
Archery! What a neat idea. I did that at camp and in gym class and remembering enjoying it (even though my hand-eye coordination is for the birds). I wonder if the city does a program for it. Thanks for the idea!
Archery is the best. If you are a dressing-up-and-goofing-around type person, find out if your local SCA group has any archers, because the only thing better than knowing you can hunt your own dinner is knowing you can hunt your own dinner while wearing a medieval princess gown.
(I cannot actually hunt my own dinner, but whatever, I can shoot a bow, that’s a lot closer than I’ve ever been to self-sufficiency before.)
“you can hunt your own dinner while wearing a medieval princess gown”
THIS IS A REAL THING?!?!?!
Yeah I need to get in on this.
I loved bellydancing when I did it! It was a huge step toward accepting my body, and the first time I really felt comfortable with my own thighs.
Hearing a lot of love for bellydancing. I think I’m going to look into it more!!
Ahh, was it okay? I hope it was okay.
I know exercise is a deeply personal thing, but for me, running and – oddly enough – zumba really make me feel that way. I am an incredibly slow runner – like, 12:30 to 14:00 miles – but I’m training for a half marathon now and the way the distance piles up slowly to become an accomplishment makes me feel really good. And then I’ve never been a very good dancer, so finally learning all the moves in zumba and trying to just do them really BIG, well, that feels great.
Also, I’ve started clinic escorting, and that doesn’t make me feel powerful (and nor should it) but it does make me feel purposeful, which sometimes can have the same emotions attached for me. Like, okay, I am actively standing out here and working for something I believe in. But that is also not for everyone, and I think it is not necessary in Canada?
It was a REALLY good thing that I went. I so appreciate the encouragement I got to just go. I thought I would want to sit there and try the talking-about-dinner thing, but it ended up being a very full and useful session. I had seen this counselor before, and I was worried then that we didn’t really click, but this time we really did. I think the next sessions could be hugely helpful.
I really love Zumba, but find it a little intimidating at times. I like to go when my trainer teaches. Good for you to train for the half-marathon, that’s incredible!!!!!!
I’m looking forward to starting volunteering with the Gluten Free Calgary organization at events in the fall. That has nowhere the same impact as clinic escorting, obviously, but it’s very personal and purposeful for me.
Oh, you’re in Calgary? You can take belly dance classes through the city pools! And multilevel drop in yoga classes too, I’ve had great experiences with both.
Are you a Calgary Toastie!? There are FIVE now!!!
Fantastic! I knew they did drop-in yoga but I didn’t know about the bellydance.
Yes 🙂 Cool to know there are 5 of us!
AAAALMOST enough for a meetup, I think 😉
I’m a Calgary Toastie too! Hooray!
Awesome!!!!!
There is at least one (me) in Winnipeg, too 🙂
Saskatoon represent!
Saskatchewan! Yay! Moose Jaw, anyone?
Rock climbing! If you find a local climbing hall, it’s super easy to get into. I’ve found fellow rock climbers to be very chill and welcoming to newcomers, and it’s a great way to feel like a total beast when you reach the top of the wall.
I know of a couple! Thanks!
I never got into rock climbing, but I second this. My ex was a frequent climber of things, and although he was climbing at a much higher level, he and his climbing friends were so welcoming and supportive of new people. And there are so many options! Indoors, outdoors, ropes, bouldering, &c.
I second this. I’ve tried a lot of different sports, and I think that climbers are the MOST welcoming of newcomers of anything I’ve tried. I took beginning climbing as a class at a local community college, and that was a great way to get into the sport. My local climbing wall also does free ladies night Wednesdays with cheap rentals, so maybe somewhere near you has something similar?
I also love, love, love mountain biking, but that can definitely be intimidating and expensive to get into.
KICKBOXING. Never have I felt more like Buffy the Vampire Slayer than when taking kickboxing classes. It’s a hell of a workout too.
Unfortunately my gym would only let me have the “new member” discounted rate for a few months and then I had to stop because I’m a broke grad student. But I highly recommend it if you can find somewhere to do it and it’s within your budget.
Between virtual kickboxing and actual kickboxing classes I think this might be awesome.
The classes I took were also women-only, which was nice in terms of comfort level. They were also really diverse in terms of both race and age (which obviously might vary depending on where you are, but I thought it was cool).
I second kickboxing! I took it in college and I loved it.
I personally don’t subscribe to the idea of ~*sexy empowerment*~ because I often just feel gross for doing exactly what is expected of me under The Patriarchy. I don’t know if that’s where your reservations are coming from, but if so it might be helpful to look to activities that are not necessarily gendered. What about swimming, or kickboxing? I know that self-esteem issues can be a barrier to starting yoga, but I found it really healing to see what my body is capable of & how much it can change from week-to-week (plus there’s a yoga studio near me that’s pretty accepting of all bodies, which I realize might not be a thing for you!)
Or, maybe exercise doesn’t make you feel powerful. Maybe it’s writing, or cooking (providing nourishment for yourself and other is actually A Big Deal). I know that cooking a declious meal for a group of friends pretty much makes me feel like The Best Ever because I like to know that people I care about are well-fed & happy because of me.
I don’t know if any of this is actually helpful, but I hope it is!
Thank you! This is very helpful. I do think maybe some non-gendered ideas might be good to look into. (I think the bellydancing thing might be great, but other than that, I feel like I would be comparing myself to other people in typical dance or yoga classes. I’m glad I have the option to do yoga with my trainer in my parents’ basement).
You saying ‘cooking’ reminds me how proud and accomplished I feel even when I just feed myself and my husband, so I might start doing that more. I love to write, but I don’t know if it makes me feel powerful – maybe I need something new that I can write about.
Oh cooking is a great one 🙂
I really enjoy creating something, whether it’s food, a craft, a garden, whatever, because then I can look at it and remember that hey, I totally made that. Because I’m a competent person who can create things.
No idea whether this is feasible for you or not, (i.e. whether you’re near any water), but rowing particularly, and also sailing, are activities that make me feel powerful. My body propelling the boat through the water, steering, working with the wind… it makes me feel strong.
Being outdoors-season is unfortunately drawing to a close here on the tundra (I exaggerate but damn it snows early in the prairies) – but I actually think the University does indoor kayaking and rowing classes in the winter, which might be cool to check out. Thank you for the idea!
Cross-country skiing or snowshoeing might be a good fit for Calgary winters, if you like outdoor things. There are probably places where you can rent gear so you could try it out without dropping a ton of dosh.
Also, yay for your session going well yesterday!
Thank you! I was almost giddy when I got in the car afterwards – I mean, I’d cried and cried and cried, but I felt so much relief.
Then I got home and The Fellow made me perogies and bought me a Blizzard.
High fives to you and The Fellow both!
Good point! I do like cross-country skiing!
I love yoga, because it calms my anxiety down, but my trick is to find a place that’s primarily full of older people. 1) they go at a slower pace. 2) They are not there to out-yoga others, or to stare at the instructor, or whatever. 3) They were probably sent to yoga by a doctor, or have been practicing for a LOT longer than I have.
All that said, it’s not for everyone. Have you considered hiking or something more outdoorsy, if that’s your thing? I have a friend who does rock climbing regularly (indoors for the most part), and finds it very empowering.
That’s a good idea!
My favourite quote is “I’m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.” 😉 I know of some indoor rock walls which might be fun to try, though! I can see how the ‘making it to the top of the wall’ feeling would be awesome.
This is less a powerful activity, and more of a joyful one–but have you ever been contra dancing? It’s like the kooky love child of square dancing and the Country Dances in Jane Austen costume dramas. The music is always live, there is a live caller, and most places have a beginner’s lesson before the actual dance. The crowds are typically very friendly and composed of equal parts retirees, really talented dancers in their 30’s, women who are The Best at dancing lead, and dudes in skirts. For me, dances are 2-3 hours of raucous laughter, sweat, and total joy. If there is a group in your area, I highly recommend it.
I have never heard of this, but it sounds amazing. I think that sounds like something my husband and I would really enjoy trying together! (Therapist said “Find something you can do with The Fellow if you like, but I think you need something to do alone too” – so thanks for a Part A suggestion!)
I think contra will be a little bit of both! You do dance with a partner, but the partner changes for every song and in my circles it’s considered a little rude to dance many times with the same person through the evening. So you’ll see each other, but probably you will mostly be dancing with other people! Which is great because the best way to learn contra is to dance with people who know what they’re doing and will give you a hand.
Awesome!
I tried contra dancing when at my folk school vacation this summer! At first I was all, “Eh, I’m just gonna watch, I can’t dance, two left feet etc.” but then one of my classmates pulled me out onto the dance floor and I stayed dancing all night. it was SO much fun and I wish there were opportunities to do it where I live.
ss: Good for you! No harm in trying out a couple of things and ditching if you don’t like them. I run (okay, jog [okay, plod]). A lot of people I know swear by swimming. Or maybe something else entirely? Guitar lessons?
Bartender: I am so sorry for your loss.
I’ll have to keep the ‘it’s okay to not keep doing this’ in mind. The City runs a program for girls where they get to try four activities in a day so that they can choose what to sign up for – I wish they did that for adults, haha.
Getting back into a musical instrument or back into voice lessons might be a good idea! I love choir, but the group I sing with is non-auditioned and is focused on church music only (obviously because it’s the church choir. Geez). We have a wonderful, genius director, but I’d like to do something Additional.
Thank you so much, everyone. I’m always bowled over by the love and support I find here. I hope I can be as great to you all.
Seeing these ideas makes me want to try EVERYTHING! Going to spend some time on the City website and looking around my neighbourhood for what I can try.
High school gym class gave me a pathological fear of physical activity while in the presence of other humans, so I know your pain. The one activity I have found to be super-enjoyable and also seriously good exercise? Just Dance for the Wii. The later games have workout features built in – JD4 has, frex, a kickboxing workout that alternates between songs and random kickboxing moves narrated by the most hilariously fake Russian accent ever, and it fills me with joy.
Ooooh! I think my sister might have that one, and she has a Wii. Thanks!
Consider the your body type and play to it. I have very short arms, short torso. And come from very strong women. That combines to easily built biceps. they look bigger on shorter limbs. Of course, I work the rest of my body with weights and that feels very powerful, especially when I can increase the weight I lift.
Woodwork makes me feel powerful. Power tools mean you don’t have to have a man’s upper body to get things done. However, a woman can make progress with hand tools. It just takes a lot longer to complete your projects.
Moving heavy stuff is deeply satisfying. When I was single I used to rearrange my furniture when I couldn’t sleep.
Really good advice, thank you. I like working with weights too.
weights are the greatest. They make me feel like a bada**
Not sure if this counts as an activity but I bought a power drill recently and it makes me feel like a fucking wizard. I put up a bunch of hooks and stuff. I seriously feel like I have a connection with the first humans who made fire.
I’m so glad your session was helpful for you!
Thank you!
We have a shit-ton of pictures and stuff to hang, so I may have to take control of the power drill.
YMMV, obviously, but learning a craft like woodworking, sewing, pottery, etc. where you get to MAKE SOMETHING can feel very empowering!
Yesssss! I bought my first power drill last weekend, and it’s pretty great. (My arms are actually sore today from hanging up towel racks and toilet paper holders yesterday.)
Running helps me, no matter how slowly. I enjoy conquering a run incrementally, like “to that pole” or “to the top that hill,” which makes me feel strong and capable.
Another activity I like is getting a badass haircut. This has, overnight, transformed me from a shy little mouse into an assertive beast who suffers no fools. Probably the effect will wear off, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Good luck, whatever you choose to do.
Thank you 🙂 I hope you keep enjoying your haircut!
Running is SO hard for me, but I do feel very powerful when I’m on my parents’ treadmill and run for five minutes or ten minutes or put the incline up (all the way from 0 to 1, haha).
YES! Rock that incline!
I find weightlifting makes me feel powerful, because I like being able to tell myself “yeah, I can deadlift a bear.” Your mileage may vary, but I found it helped with self esteem, too, to focus less on how my body looks and more on things it can do.
I love that about my trainer, how she is relentlessly focused on helping us improve what we can Do.
Can you really deadlift a bear!? I’m in awe.
Well, black bears are pretty small, so if you can lift 100 lbs (the size of a smallish adult female) you can say you can lift a bear! I do find it pretty fun to categorize my lifts based on random animals, though. I can bench press a cougar! And do overhead presses with a sea otter!
You are very inspiring to me at the moment!
I’m assuming you’ve seen this, but just in case: http://whatanimaldoyoulift.herokuapp.com/
I HAD NOT SEEN IT! And now I think I will refuse to discuss lifts using any other terminology
Today I discovered I could deadlift a bear. A pretty small bear, but a bear. GOOD TO KNOW.
I came down to say weightlifting, too. It’s terrific to make you feel like you are really *doing something*. I started on machines because I feared incorrect form for a long time, but am moving to smaller barbells and dumbells now.
Bicycling makes me feel powerful. Being able to look at the distance I covered makes me feel like an amazing machine – I’m only starting to get into distance pleasure rides lately (rather than normal transportation) and the simplicity of just going and going is lovely. I just ride with an old ten speed and cutoffs, so it can be lower barrier.
Time to get my bike back from my sister. There’s not much pleasant biking weather left before winter here!
Also, this is something I’ve been thinking about recently since I’ve just started biking (and bought myself a PRETTY RED BIKE FROM 1971! And bargained the Craigslist guy down by thirty bucks! Which was a major accomplishment for me because I have always been so so terrible at haggling even when things are obviously overpriced)
…if you wanna go the tools+DIY route — why not learn a little bit about bike mechanics? That way you can ride, and also be really handy with your bike! The other day all I did was put air in my tires and I felt preeeetty self-sufficient and accomplished. This weekend I will be installing lights and a bell.
Also! I bought a Biker’s Almanac for the dude I was seeing for his birthday. He ended up being a douchewaffle, so now the almanac is ALL MINE and I will learn it by heart and maybe open an all-lady bike repair shop SO THERE DOUCHEWAFFLE.
You sound AMAZING.
Swimming and weightlifting helped me out *so much* with my self-esteem at different times. I learned to swim as an adult and it was really empowering to learn to control my muscles in a brand new way. My depression makes me feel physically weak (in addition to mentally and emotionally), so weightlifting gave me the confidence to say, “F*ck you, depression! I am not weak! LOOK AT MY QUADS!!”
Now I’m planning to hike the Appalachian Trail which is a pretty all-encompassing project but I feel more motivated than I have in a long time because of it.
Holy, amazing! Good for you!
Thank you! I thought of something else of the ilk that your therapist brought up but that hasn’t been yet suggested: circus/silks. My girlfriend does both and they lift her mood so much. Silks seems to be catching on in more and more places so if you live in a big enough city, you can probably find a gym to do it in and you definitely won’t be the first beginner in the room.
Ooooh I’ve wanted to try that forever. I think where I’m at right now, I’d be nervous just about other people looking at me, but I’m going to keep that in mind for the future.
(And even if I can’t do it, man – I’m so inspired by people that can. Amazing).
I think I need to re-learn to swim. I pretty much hate it and being in water / feeling tired in the water and so I never did as many lessons as my sister. Everytime I think about doing it though I feel really anxious. I don’t like not knowing what to expect. I don’t even know how the locker rooms work!
I would totally recommend taking adult lessons. I did it and got so much out of it as someone who used to only just hang out in the water and not actually exercise. It also made me feel way less awkward about enjoying thrashing around freestyle while everyone else is calm, sedate, breast stroke with their heads out of the water and hair perfectly coiffed (which I don’t get, doesn’t your neck hurt?) I’m still afraid of the gym though for not knowing how things work there.
I did adult swim lessons and loved them! It turns out it’s a lot easier to listen and understand the instructor when you’re not, say, eight years old. Everyone in the class was awesome- I think we all started out at the same level of vague embarrassment about taking swim lessons as adults, but it was pretty easy to get over once the “hey, I’m getting better at this. Awesome!” kicked in. I am with you on the indifference/ dislike of being in water, but I do feel more confident now that I have a little more in the way of skillz.
As far as locker rooms go, I totally looked up ahead of time to see whether they did coin or bring-your-own lock lockers, because, I, too, share a fear of not knowing how locker rooms work/ what to expect (coin, for whatever that’s worth). I brought my own towel, because reasons. It’s also definitely worth bringing your own soap and a plastic bag for your suit. You could always go and ask to take a tour before signing up, if that would help your comfort levels.
I do yoga, bellydancing, boxing, and (up until freakin’ yesterday) weightlifting. They all make me feel good in different ways. To feel honestly powerful, though, I really can’t recommend weightlifting enough. Interview some different coaches. See how they respond to you in whatever shape you’re currently in. You might be surprised at how accepting some are to all different body types.
Good luck. I hope you find ways to boost your self-esteem.
Thank you very much!
My mom told me she signed up for a personal trainer this week and is going to lift kettleballs and do squats. This is a huge deal, she is has talked herself into believing she’s frail and elderly and incapable of even the simplest exertions since a minor car accident she had almost 20 years ago. I’m enormously proud of her and inspired by her example.
That’s fantastic! GO, MOM!!!!!
Go your mom! May I’ll suggest something similar for my mom, or get her a Groupon deal — she has back pain issues/arm issues due to breast cancer surgeries years ago, and I feel like some empowering activities would go a long way for her.
Also – I saw a personal trainer last Tuesday! It was free with my gym membership, and unfortunately I can’t sign up for regular sessions (because holy wow, ‘spensive)…but he was super nice and informative! I told him my goal is 10 push ups by Halloween, and 5 pull ups, and he showed me proper plank form and squat form and dead lifts and how to do push ups on an incline.
My goal is to be in Lady Hulk shape by Halloween. (And then to be Pin Up Lady Hulk for Halloween, because I really want to paint myself green.)
This is amazing. GO MOMS.
What makes me feel best about myself is when I do something that helps someone else. Even something little like bringing someone dinner or picking up their dry cleaning or grabbing coffee for a coworker, though the bigger the commitment I make the more impact it has on me. I think it’s a combination of getting out of my own head, having that “I did this thing!” feeling, and the human contact.
That’s a great point. Thank you!
Unfortunately it is kind of expensive, but horseback riding is (to me) the best sport there is! Of course if you don’t like animals, you should ignore the rest of this comment.
I use to do horse shows, but really disliked the culture and the rules and the cost. So, I switched to teaching at a place that does Centered Riding, which is basically “here you are going to learn to ride bareback so that you and the horse can be pals,” as opposed to a lot of places that teach “TELL THE HORSE WHAT TO DO. KICK! KICK!” So, that was a huge mental and physical change-up for me, and it was wonderful. I build some amazing friendships and gained a real sense of accomplishment from being able to work with the horses in a kind way. There is a point, when riding, at which you really do feel like the two of you are just in sync and it’s powerful/beautiful/calm/exciting all at the same time!
I like animals, but I’m not sure my budget will stand horseback riding as a hobby. Maybe next summer I can get out and do some trail rides around town, though – I know there’s lots of opportunities for that!
I just got to the open thread and I am posting without reading comments (bad Bryn), but I would really REALLY like to encourage you to do something strong with your body even if it does not feel like ‘you’. I know very deep in my bones how hard it is to do these things, but part of the amazement of doing something like karate or yoga (or self-defense like Sean here in my system taught for many years) is that you find your own strongly powerful self in the doing it. It is a terrible cliche but it is the process that opens things up, not the arrival.
Lots and lots of these places have sample classes where you can go and try it out or at least watch and get a feel for the space before you commit any money, and I encourage you to do a risky thing and try something out and see how it feels. It might feel awful, like *really awful* but if after the awful you can take a deeper breath, that is the growing sort of awful.
We taught self-defense for a lot of years before we stopped to start having babies, and one of the things that always struck me is how many women said ‘No, I can’t take that right now, I can’t do it until I am my best self.’ But taking self-defense is all about finding a little bit more of yourself through moving and yelling and standing up for the self you are *right then*, not waiting until you are good enough to defend. I do not know if this connects up for what you are thinking at all, but when I saw you say that you are having esteem issues, it did make me think of it.
Whatever you decide, we are on your side!
Thank you, Bryn! I’m feeling very encouraged and inspired by everyone’s stories. I really can see the connection for myself as to why something physical would be good right now.
(May I use ‘the growing sort of awful’ in a poem?)
Just a suggestion for a martial art that doesn’t always get a lot of press, but seems to have a huge presence in Calgary: aikido. I started 5 years ago with basically no experience/confidence in my ability to do sporty things (or many other things, let’s be real), and it’s been really fun and rewarding to learn that I *can* throw people who are a lot taller and heavier than me, and conversely be thrown to the ground (gently, when you’re first learning) and get up again and again. (Aikido is all about using your opponent’s energy against them-you’ll learn to punch and probably to kick, but your punches won’t land, because rule #1 for aikido is moving out of the way of a direct hit and using it to your advantage instead of standing and taking it, which as a general philosophy has served me well too!) If you’re interested, at least Calgary Aikikai lets you attend 4 classes for free to see if you like it, though there are other places you can go if that one’s not convenient. I’m going back to aikido tomorrow for the first time since moving, but I really appreciate all the other suggestions people have given you as well, since my own self-esteem has been tanking due to the combo of an as-yet unsuccessful job search as a trailing not-quite-spouse and not knowing anyone in town yet except for my girlfriend. Anyway, best of luck to you as you figure out what makes you feel your best!
Wow, thank you!
I will totally second throwing people as a totally excellent way to feel like a badass. Although I am probably too violent for aikido after far too many years of judo 😛
The thing I like best about throws is the way they require you to engage every part of your body in a way that makes me feel like my brain and my body are totally integrated. Plus it’s such a different thing to do with your body, and has a more or less universally hefty learning curve, that your level of athleticism doesn’t really matter coming into (one of) the sports- it takes everyone a fair bit of time to pick things up.
Depends on the school! My first dojo was totally violent in its way-high breakfalls, using people’s heads to throw them, etc. I ended up in a wall once (small dojo, big guy ego…) My second was mellower, but it was nice to have a much more supportive bunch of folks. We’ll see about this third dojo-I’ll have gone through as many different schools as dojos, sigh.
You’re totally right about the brain-body integration though–when my internal dialogue of “..now you move this foot here, and this hand grabs there…” falls away from a technique, it’s so great. I also love feeling my forward-moving energy being converted by my partner into flying energy!
I’m on my…sixth or seventh dojo? Possibly eighth, throwing in some long-term trips and some double dojo dipping. That’s what happens when you live in four states over the course of ten years and add study abroad/ staying with the parents for a few months after graduation. It’s definitely rounded out my game, in a lot of ways- each dojo has had it’s own focus. The current one could sure use some more women, though. I hope your new dojo is awesome!
Yeah, I definitely learned a lot between my two previous dojos. I’m just complaining because it felt like I had just started scratching the surface of what could be learned at the last one, and am missing it. I’m having decidedly mixed feelings about unofficially being the senior student in this new, extremely small dojo with a sensei who isn’t quite as seasoned as my others. Learning by teaching others is a thing, though, so I’ll make the most of it. The best part hands down was having a class of all women aside from the sensei (is it some sort of alternate universe??). Have fun with your practice, and I hope you get some more women to join you!
You are very welcome to, and Cassandra says she hopes that you might show us the poem when it is done, if you show anyone your poetry.
I think I should probably be putting my time where my mouth is and finding something physical to do for us, once we get the school schedule nice and settled down.
Thank you!
I am trying to show people, so I will try and show you 🙂
Excellent. I (Cassandra) never show anyone mine, so I understand the challenge of it.
If you ever change your mind, Cassandra, I would love to read some of your writing.
I fence, which is intense exercise and means getting to hit people and occasionally really piss off arrogant guys by beating them. If I’m pissed about stuff, it helps me sort of tame and channel it because that anger is useless for fencing if you don’t use it in a controlled way. Of course, when I’m pissed about stuff and fencing poorly, it’s not quite so helpful! (But then I’m usually too exhausted to be angry/neurotic for the rest of the night.) I started as a nerdy kid who was bad at traditional sports (stupid parents, teaching me kayaking and biking instead of soccer), but a lot of people start as adults and your brain is as important to fencing as your brawn, so it tends to be a level playing field.
Kayaking is a little harder to do if you’re not already doing it, but I’ve found it equally good for managing my brain and getting a good workout. Being out in nature is has proven psychological benefits (except for when near jetskis) and propelling yourself up and down a river is definitely confidence boosting! Plus, you’re generally on your own or with people you know, so there’s no one to judge how fast you’re going or how you look.
I had a friend who fenced in high school. It always did strike me as an intensely cerebral sport.
Two things I love:
1) making myself get a little sunshine, even if it’s a totally lowkey walk and doesn’t really count as “exercise.”
2) yoga podcasts. All the exercise you want, none of the judgment.
Congrats on taking some control here, and enjoy the last boys of summer while you can!!!!!
Thank you! I didn’t think of podcasts – or youtube, which would actually work too, wouldn’t it?
Yes, there is much acceptable yoga on the Tubes.
FWIW, I really like the Power Yoga with Dave Farmar podcasts, which I think are/were free on iTunes.
Also, my phone seems to have been smarter than I am above. I meant to say “enjoy the last *days* of summer”, although if you want to do that other thing, go on with your bad self. 😉
HAHA I figured as much. I’ll tell The Fellow he can be the boy of summer 😉
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time, but glad to hear you are seeking help. That’s empowering in itself.
Right before my junior year in college, I was pretty brutally raped by an acquaintance. I was travelling alone at the time and unwilling to go back home and admit defeat. Throughout my junior year, I dealt with pretty serious depression (already an issue prior to my rape) and crippling panic attacks. I did a lot of things that were not good for my body or my brain. My senior year was better for a lot of reasons, but one of the things that helped me the most, actually, was taking karate for a PE credit. I signed up for it without really thinking about it, but ended up loving it. There is a serene, meditative aspect to martial arts. And feeling more aware of your surroundings makes you just feel like you can HANDLE any situation. Plus the gi is really comfortable. I would do karate again any time (if someone would pay for it). But baking can make you feel powerful; so can knitting (a feeling of accomplishment means a whole lot, sometimes). Zumba, volunteering/political activism, learning a new instrument–it all depends on your perspective.
But yeah. Karate is pretty great, if you are interested in trying it.
I’m so sorry that that happened to you.
I did karate when I was about ten or eleven for a couple of semesters, and am thinking about trying it again. The martial arts/self defense/kickboxing ideas all seem really great to me at the moment. I really appreciate the reminders that a lot of things can help me feel empowered.
I didn’t have the patience to read everyone’s (excellent) suggestions. But. ROLLER DERBY. Full contact sport on skates: it is fast, it is fun, it can be campy, and it’s very exciting to throw yourself into whether or not you have skating/roller sports experience. And as someone who despises cardio off-skates, I would never be able to play something like rugby.
I was a total novice when I started and it’s so invigorating learning and mastering something completely new. By and large the communities are supportive and fun, so it acts as a network as well. Social aspect aside though, if you just want a new challenge in an arena that values genuine strength and skill of all varieties, roller derby should do it.
Today is my last day at this job and I am extremely sad about that.
I’m sorry. I hope it is a good last day, at least.
Augh this week. Rough week for the midwest, and I feel most everyone around me has just chosen to blissfully ignore what is going on, whereas I have been so outraged. It was also my last week of work before starting a new job Tuesday and I was dealing with those emotions and having to say goodbye to some wonderful people.
SO I’m in need of some lighthearted book recommendations. I have recently begun making time to read (things other than the internet) and having been picking mainly neuro books or books about learning or books about work stuff and I’d love some fiction recommendations. I’ll read anything well written, so throw them out!
Also I joined twitter and am still trying it out, but need more friends, so what is your twitter handle? Mine is @mariequin3.
Twitter, yay! I’m @slowseptember there too. There are also a few Twitter Lists of Toasties going around – embryoconcepts has a great one that you can check out.
Mine is @AdmiralChristy (get it? My last name is Admiraal! INSTANT HILARITY). I sent you a follow request. If you would like to follow me, I sincerely hope you like tweets about sandwiches, cats, and Clark Gregg’s forearms.
@ediehan!
My favourite lighthearted book rec is Where’d You Go Bernadette, which is funny and sweet and very well-written.
So, I just joined twitter yesterday, but I haven’t decided if I’m comfortable about it. I normally have a fairly hard line between my internet presence that is attached to my name (e.g. Facebook and my main email) which I normally keep to entirely people I know in real life and assume anything on there might be seen by friends, family, coworkers, ex-boyfriend etc. and my more-anonymous internet presence that uses a different screen name and email address and I usually don’t include anyone from real life and assume that anyone from real life would have to put in some decent effort to find. It seems like that would be harder to keep separate with twitter. Does anyone else try and keep separate spheres on the internet, and how does twitter fit in?
I was asking about this issue last week or the week before. I use my real name on twitter, but try to stay vaguely anonymous here. While I do follow and interact with other toast people on twitter, I don’t link my twitter and this account, so while toast people there know I’m a toastie, they don’t know which one, which is enough for me.
I used to do what super_novice does, but I have a private account so it’s hard for Toasties to find/add me on twitter and now….I will post HERE that I am @ediehan (hi!) but I don’t talk about the toast without tagging other toasties on twitter.
Also, like, 4 of my IRL friends follow me on twitter. I have changed what I post about on the Toast, a little bit, so it’s less confessional and more “confessional but if my friends find it, it’s stuff I would have told them anyway”
I felt the same way, but decided it doesn’t matter too much really. I mean if someone looks me up online they would find either A-articles and pictures of a meth head (spoiler–not me) or B–“health grades” or related things that come with having a job that requires me to register with the state and have that information available to the public.
I did freak out when my daughter was born and she was immediately on the internet because the in-laws church put it on their bulletin which is available online, with her birth date and full name and the town she was born in. I still don’t like it, but we no longer live in the same state as that so I figure it’s ok.
Just coming down to recommend Bernadette–such a fun read that I missed it when it was over for about four times as long as it took to read the book!!
I have two twitter accounts. One with my real name, and one with the name I use here. I use this name in a lot of places, and I have plenty of real-life friends who know that this is me, but if you googled my real name, you’d find my realname twitter, which is mostly about politics, baseball and the Metro. Whereas under this name I’m a lot more likely to talk about sex, etc. I use TweetCaster on my phone, which allows me to choose which name to use when sending a tweet.
I use my pseudonymous twitter account more often, because I have more interactions with ppl there and I fee like I have to self-censor less.
@kathilatte – Toast Twitter is the best
Hi!
1. Toastie tweets are best tweets. After many years away from twitter, I dusted off my work account as part of getting online visibility for job search purposes. I’m @AskDoctorPonton, and since I do both work and personal tweets, no worries if my content ain’t your thing.
2. For light-hearted reads, have you read the Discworld stuff from Terry Pratchett? I started them a month ago after asking friends the same question you did 🙂 http://www.lspace.org/books/reading-order-guides/…
Oh it looks like we may have some overlap in the work area! I am a pediatric OT.
Glad to hear it! OT’s do awesome work.
Oh man. I’m all about the book recommendations! What kind of fiction do you look for?
One of my favorites is ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ by Gabrielle Burton. It’s a wonderful, post-modern novel about women living together in the Museum of the Revolution. I’m not sure how easy it is to find, but read it if you do.
Also good reads: Life after Life by Kate Atkinson, Treasure Island by Sarah Levine, All of Joey Comeau’s books, and Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton. Because sometimes you need to read Jurassic Park?
I’m @High5Hannah on twitter 🙂
I read anything. Really, I’m just looking for something that will hold my attention and drag me in!
I’m @renmunch and I love Toast Twitter an extreme amount.
I’m private, but will accept all Toastie requests @megmuoio
I’m @storyqday on Twitter (I just followed you!)
Lighthearted book suggestion: Me by Katharine Hepburn. Maybe listen to it as an audiobook, because her voice is perfect and divine.
She reads her own audiobook??? ::STAMPEDES TO LIBRARY::
Good reminder about audiobooks!!
Along those lines, Julie Andrews’s memoir Home is really good. Her childhood was rough but Julie is just so lovely.
Hey, welcome to twitter! I’m @zizzivivizz. Come join Toastie twitter – it’s the best!
We are @brynplusplus although I do not remember to tweet very much!
Welcome to Twitter! It is THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. I’m @rococopacetic. I tend to post mainly about antique jewelry, my love for Robin Gibb, and people who annoy me on the train. Now who’s not into that, I ask you.
Re: books – I just finished rereading Cooking with Fernet Branca by James Hamilton-Paterson, and it made me involuntarily bark out laughs all over again. It sounds like it’s a cookbook, but it’s a travel writing satire. Definitely recommended.
I just checked this one out! Most of the others recommended were checked out already. Thanks!!
Oh, good! I hope you like it!
I’m @lizardjellybean and I’ll follow ya right back, fellow saddened Midwesterner.
And man, I’ve not been good at finding lighthearted books, lately (most of the books I’ve been reading have been kinda horror or real-life horror), but if you read comics at ALL you should try Bee and Puppycat. Or you could watch it on Cartoon Hangover on Youtube, that’s almost as good: http://youtu.be/lOG_UtLxh58
My current lighthearted escape books are anything by Jenny Colgan. Her books revolve around baking and/or sweets and small English neighborhoods. They’re predictable but the journey is enjoyable and they always make me feel cozy. Definitely like comfort food in book form. Right now I’m reading Rosie Hopkins’ Sweet Shop of Dreams, if that’s any indicator!
So sorry to hear about your friend.
My boss is out today so I’m spending it writing other various projects, which feels really good. I forgot how much I enjoyed really getting into a piece I’m writing, and hopefully I’ll make more opportunities to do that.
Anyway I’m getting drunk with the in laws tonight, so goodbye this week fuck you!!!!!!!
My boss is also out today and I am also working on other projects! Feels good man.
So I’m approaching the end of my student loan payments (hooray!) and I’ve been thinking that with that extra space in my budget I’d like to start giving a little to charity. I’ve also been thinking a lot about mental illness lately, thanks to issues in both my personal life and the news. Right after Robin Williams’ death someone wrote in Slate that people aren’t exactly organizing 5ks to end depression, even though mental health services are so seriously underfunded. So I think that’s where I want to put my money.
But I have no idea who I should give to. The only thing that came to mind was the National Alliance on Mental Illness, but it might be more effective to give to a local organization, right? I’m in DC and there’s got to be something around here but I have no idea what’s reputable or where funds are most needed. Any ideas? I’d love to hear about programs where you live, too!
Whichever you choose, I’d recommend checking up on it in terms of how cost-effective it is, how transparent it is with the use of donated funds, etc.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/08/giving/how-to-c…
NAMI can connect you to local groups.
I like the Hearing Voices Project (are you in the US? They have one) and I think the International Narrative Therapy network do amazing work.
Congrats on the student loan payments! I’ve done some work organizing food drives for SOME (So Others Might Eat) in the past. From their mission statement: “We meet the immediate daily needs of the people we serve with food, clothing, and health care. We help break the cycle of homelessness by offering services, such as affordable housing, job training, addiction treatment, and counseling, to the poor, the elderly and individuals with mental illness.” You could probably call them up and ask that your donation go directly to the mental health component of their work.
I usually target my giving to the regional food bank. I live in a large urban area with a lot of working poor and others living with food insecurity – including those organizations that provide meals to the homeless. I like giving there because I know they get great deals on wholesale food purchases and my money goes a long way.
I actually just saw an ad for a 5k to end depression up in Cambridge, MA. It’s being organized by the Samaritans.
A Bartenter – I’m so sorry. My deepest condolences. Let’s all raise our glasses to the Bartender’s friend!
That rage article is giving me all the feels. I spent a lot of my time in therapy this past year getting intimate with anger and learning how useful and great it can be to get angry, and the reactions from friends have been….not great. If I hear “Life is too short to be angry” one more time, there will be deep injuries.
Related to that, I’m having a minor friend crisis. I was talking to one of my closest friends about my last breakup and mentioned being angry, and she immediately started kind of….challenging me? She asked why I was angry, and when I dropped the word “unkind” to describe my ex’s behaviour, she interrupted to suggest that maybe from his point of view, he WAS in fact being kind. At the time, I didn’t react much but later I got extremely upset and even cried about it. I tried so hard to see my ex’s point of view when we were together and to me the whole point of a break up was to say “Fuck that!” and just focus on MY experience of his behaviour, which was incredibly hurtful. I don’t care why he did whatever, or how kind he thought he was being, to me he was an ass and I’m angry about it. I ended up feeling like I needed to defend my feelings, and I hate that. This particular friend means well and is generally good about this stuff, but she does this occasionally and yesterday has made me feel like perhaps I should be less open with her. But I don’t know! Am I being a big unrealistic baby? Is it too idealistic to think that anyone besides my therapist should just listen to my rants and empathize when I am going through stuff? I try to keep it short and make sure to talk a lot about her stuff too, and of course I have had long periods of not going through anything, so I don’t think I’m a particularly rant-y friend. I just want to hear someone say “Wow, that IS awful. That must have hurt a lot” instead of “I don’t think that’s what he meant”.
THIS WEEK. JUST END ALREADY. (It’s already 6pm in Europe, woo!)
Re: friend situation. You are not at all unreasonable. But lots of people seem to think that the greatest good in social interaction is to be fair to everyone and totally even handed… and you know, in a lot of situations, that’s great. But not after a friend has been hurt. That’s when fairness should go to the four goddamned winds. But people don’t think that way. If you think she might be receptive, then try telling her what you need and see how she responds. Tell her that your ex really hurt you, that his thoughts/feelings are not really your concern anymore, and that you’re trying to process what happened for yourself because you need to heal. Ask her to be on board with you healing. And if she can’t get with the program, then you’ve learned something important.
Also hugs, because GOD people who try to play devil’s advocate on behalf of hurtful others who will be IN NO WAY IMPACTED by your pain are just the fucking worst.
God, it drives me insane when people are just automatically “Well let me be fair to everyone involved” because okay. When my friends are hurting, I am on their side. I am not going to play devil’s advocate and encourage them to “well did you consider this or this or this?” because really, it’s not helpful at all.
I once had a major falling out with my mom because I didn’t go home for Christmas–instead I stayed where I was with my then-fiance–and she called me flipping out and telling me she felt “disrespected by [your] sham relationship” and we had a huge no-holds-barred screaming fight. When I talked with my best friend about it her reaction was “Well I’m sure your mom MEANT well and this and excuse excuse excuse” and I was just….you know, no. I don’t want to hear her excuses, I want to hear her apologizing to me for completely losing it and not being a respectful and normal human being. When I complained to my husband, his reaction was “That’s horrible. Do you want to not talk to your mom, or talk it out, or should I talk to her, or wait for her to apologize?” It took me a long time to talk to my mom OR my best friend again, because both of them were more concerned about her feelings than my own feelings–and that hurt A LOT. It’s really hard to get over that feeling of “they are prioritizing someone else’s feelings over their friend’s,” which is really what it feels like.
I haaate the “two sides” thing so much! I realize there are two sides, but seeing both of them isn’t going to help me until I’ve calmed down and decided to take a look because I’m ready, not because I should. Not to mention, sometimes there just aren’t two sides. This particular friend got rather tight lipped when I mentioned that once.
And wow, I’m so sorry about what happened with your mom and then your friend too! That is awful. Thank god for reasonable and supportive husbands!
Thank you. Your kind words mean a lot to me. It’s hard when someone you consider to be such a support lets you down somehow. It’s just tough when you know they see things differently than you and want you to see that too.
It’s also complicated because she is also friends with him, but less so than with me. We have also talked a lot about our positioning to one another, and me not wanting her to feel awkward and she assures me it’s no problem to talk about it and I should talk to her whenever I feel I need to. Which is almost never, because the breakup happened a while ago. It sort of came up organically the other day though, and I realized I just probably shouldn’t talk about it with her anymore. She knows him and feels sorry for him and despite what she says, I think she just can’t listen neutrally to me and nod sympathetically.
I think that might be right. You are not getting what you need from her when you tell her these things – so she may not be the optimal person to rant to about exbf.
(I was about to try to see things from her perspective and realized that would be missing your point entirely…. thank you for posting this! It’s a good reminder/way of thinking about how to support your friends when they are hurt.)
Ha ha! Honestly, I do see her perspective too, I think she ultimately wants me to be less upset for my own sake. It’s just, I’m not going to get there before I’m ready, especially if people are trying to push me. It’s good to remember that she means well, but yeah, I think I won’t bring up my ex-boyfriend again.
Glad you do feel like you can get her, it sucks to have a friend where you’re suddenly standing in a totally different ballpark than they are (maybe not a real metaphor, but I used it at work today and decided I liked it) and can’t overcome it… particularly where they don’t get what you are saying.
Maybe you can let her know that sometimes you do need to rant about him? And that you get that she can see his perspective etc but in that moment it’s about yours..
I don’t know – I have an exbf that I still need to vent about sometimes, but it’s been Quite Some Time also, so I tend to censor myself because I think “nobody wants to hear it” and that never ends well. I also think my friends want me to be “over him” and find someone new and be happy (have dated since but not been back in love) and some of them understand that venting about him doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him, and some of them don’t understand that. So I try to time my venting to be with the more listening folk if I can.
Your unkind friend gave you a lesson in how you want to respond to others. That is, better than she did.
It boils down to: how do you feel with this friend. Not good. She does not get your time until you want to see her again. That’s all there is to it. And yes, keep a greater distance with her. I’m sorry.
You know it did make me think, do I do this too? I realized I do sometimes, but usually in the opposite direction – I’m the one saying “How are you not MORE angry???” Ha ha. I also need to practice restraining this though and just listening.
Thank you! That was very helpful for me.
Jeez, after a breakup, it’s your friend’s job to trash your ex, not defend him. It’s part of the process! Seeing things from the other person’s perspective is great, but obviously now is not the time.
Wow, your name is Briony, I love that name!
And no, you are not being a baby (not that there is anything wrong with babies) or unrealistic or anything like that. You do not bring up your feelings with your friend so that you could enter into a discussion with her about whether or not they are ‘okay’ feelings to have. You are not submitting your feelings to her tribunal!
Can you talk to her about it? It is fine to ask for what you need, and politely refuse what you do not need. If you want different things at different times, it is just figuring out how to signal to her, whether it is direct (“I want to talk about how I feel about this and I’d really love it if you could just listen.”) or more subtle (“I need to vent!”). But it is also okay to just flat out say you NEVER want to have a conversation about your feelings where she tells you whether or not they are all right. Because they are all right, whatever she thinks, and if she thinks you’re wrong, she can keep that to herself.
We used to be That Friend, the one who is always like ‘Why? Well, is that fair? Don’t you think you could see it this way??’ and so forth. It was well-meant but very very obnoxious sometimes — sometimes it was what the person was looking for. I still lean in that direction but I do try hard to listen to the signals and only do that if it is what the other person wants. And one of the things we are finding out backing off of it is that we were approaching some of our friends as projects, People To Fix, rather than actual friends who we value for who they are. Which was not at all respectful of us!
I am probably That Friend too often too. Often I feel that the people around me don’t pay as much attention to people’s feelings, and words and actions as I do. So many times I feel justified in saying “Well, what you have missed here is that last week her grandfather has dementia so when you made the weird joke about old people it hit close to home.” Like I can see more moving pieces than they can. I also ask a lot of questions in situations like this and have recently realized that that comes off as less “I want to understand” and more “I think you are wrong”
But other times I will just blissfully wander into “How do you think they feel?” land when what I should be doing is listening. I think if someone told me: “I’m past trying to understand him and just need to process how I feel about what is not over” I would quickly change gears and say “What makes you the most mad?”
I am trying really hard to just listen and not ask anything at all and then when there has been some silence maybe say, “Do you want to hear what I think?” But of course that only works with friends who are willing to say ‘No!’ when they really don’t want to.
I think we tend to see more moving pieces too, it is a survival skill after all, to hold everything and everyone in a sort of live state in the mind. I am finding that it is very hard to turn that off and just listen and be with the person how they are, but it is good when it works.
I think those kinds of comments can sometimes be useful when somebody truly doesn’t have the whole picture. If someone seemed irrationally upset and then I found out about their grandfather as per your example, that would be good to know so I could stop making those jokes about old people and would add something I hadn’t known before to the situation. In this one with my ex, and other ones where I’ve been frustrated, it’s less that important information is missing from my perspective, and more that someone is just trying to get me to sympathize with whomever has hurt me, well, just because it’s seem as “fair”. Does that make sense? Not sure if I’m making a clear distinction here.
I don’t think I made my distinction clear enough. I was mostly processing how I interact with people in these situations. I did not think you were missing information. I think I am used to approaching scenarios where that is the case, and I don’t do a good job of supporting people how they need to be supported. But I know I can. I have one friend who is very good at setting expectations for what he needs from conversations. And I have found I remain within those boundaries even when he has not said it explicitly.
Ahh, I see what you mean now. I didn’t fully get your first comment. Fwiw, I didn’t think you meant that I was missing information at all. It’s good that you have a friend who is open about boundaries and things with you. Being a good friend can be tricky, and telling someone how you want or need their support is really half of it.
This is giving me a lot to think about. I think she does see me a bit as a project, who needs to see things her way a bit to become more enlightened somehow. However, I am perhaps guilty of doing the same sometimes. Good point! I need to think about that in myself more. She went through a tough time in her marriage a while back and I found it hard not to encourage her in the way *I* thought she should behave. I do think she’s open to talking, I just need to find a way to phrase things.
Very helpful, thank ye so much! Lots of food for thought.
Your friend is me 5 years ago! Oh this is awful. I’m so sorry. I used to make friends projects.
That IS awful, and the definitely must have hurt a lot, and I’m sorry you went through that — both with the dude, and with your friend. I have a friend, who I love dearly, who is like that, too, sometimes — she tries really hard to be objective, to see the big picture, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to “see where they’re coming from” and it can be grating and exhausting. Like, YES, that is a good quality to have — being empathetic and being able to consider other people’s points of view is an important skill. BUT. She’s *your friend*. One of your CLOSEST FRIENDS, in fact. I don’t know, but personally, I’m of the opinion that it’s part of the close friend job description to be on your side, *especially* if she’s not particularly close to your ex. She doesn’t owe him any of her allegiance or support, and if she’s actually hurting you by defending him and playing devil’s advocate…just, why?
I’ve sort of solved this problem with my Just-Being-Objective Friend by only going to her when I WANT to maybe see the flip side. Like, if I think I honestly am too close to something, or if there’s another way of interpreting things that I’m missing. But if I just want support and commiseration, she’s maybe not my go-to person, and it really helps me to sort of filter who I ask for advice that way.
PS I totally feel you on the anger thing. The guy I recently stopped seeing (like, yesterday) had a real issue with the concept of fighting in relationships. (And obviously, not throw-em-down-duke-em-out fights, and not screaming matches, but, you know, arguments.) He said he *never* fights. I said *everyone fights* and it’s important to do it in a healthy, constructive way, with lots of open communication. Any time I got frustrated/angry with something he did, or tried to defend myself against something he accused me of doing, he said “you’re fighting again” and then just shut me out completely in an effort to…I guess put me in a time out. Which of course was INFURIATING. So, yeah. Screw the “Life’s too short to be angry” people. Anger serves a purpose and the way women in particular are encouraged/expected to reign in their anger is nothing short of absolute douchery and I WILL NOT HAVE IT I TELL YOU.
Exactly! Being objective is a great skill and I think I am not totally incapable of it. As I’ve gone through therapy and learned to make more space for my feelings and trust that they are telling me something important (ESPECIALLY anger) I’ve found that people in general are weirdly opposed to it. Everyone thinks that our feelings are 100% liars and need to be set straight with objectivity. Er, not quite.
And, DUDE. That guy sounds awful, shutting you down like that? Infuriating! Good job on getting rid of him yesterday, high five! I totally agree that women in particular are somehow terrifying to people when they are angry and strongly discouraged from expressing anger in any form, which is just bullshit on a thousand levels. He never fights? So either he or his partner is a doormat at all times, cool. I bet he’s also never in a bad mood. Totally healthy, amirite?
If I had to guess, he expects the girls he’s with to be with doormats, which, blarg! No thank you.
In HIGHLY RELEVANT Ask Polly columns, though, there is this: http://www.theawl.com/2014/08/ask-polly-i-think-m…
A pox on control freaks!
I feel ya. I think the response to that idiom is, “no, life’s too short not to give a fuck.”
Make some waves. I’m not letting people say bullshit things or do hurtful actions without pushing back to say “you’re wrong.”
For no good reason I hate that the sidebar ads so often include American Apparel.
Just reported one to Pavich. 3/4 of them are fine, but suddenly whoop! Here’s a women’s be-denimed butt as she looks on orgasmically!
I’m seeing the bikini one where the girl’s face looks indecently young to me, but that’s their hallmark so I’m not surprised.
Yeah I always scroll down past them really fast…
I also have an AA sidebar ad, but thankfully it is of a rotating series of printed button ups magically appearing on a gentleman, no spread eagled thongs
That’s what I’ve got, and I fear if I keep having to look at it, I am going to have a seizure.
Here is my solution to this kind of thing: I run AdBlock. But just running AdBlock is not a nice thing to do, because blogs like The Toast and and other nominally free internet things that I like make money from advertising. By shielding my brain from ads I am lowering the chances that I will buy the products advertised, which makes the advertising space slightly less valuable, which means The Toast loses money, theoretically.
But I really hate advertisements, and I never want to see one if I don’t have to. So I run AdBlock, but I also pay a little bit of money regularly to the websites I really like.
I figure I would be paying anyway if I kept the ads visible, in the sense that the ads would, consciously or unconsciously, influence me to spend money on things I wouldn’t otherwise buy. I’d rather just pay for the things I like directly.
Oh yeah, I already AdBlock, mostly because scrolly, auto-play, pop-up ads were making the AV Club unreadable. (Well, the AV Club is now unreadable for other reasons anyway, but oh well.) The Toast is one of the sites that I white-list right now. Though it occurs to me now that there’s probably a way to block ads coming from a specific domain, rather than just everything on a site.
Though I am now strangely flattered to be one of those Straights whom Mallory is making fun of on twitter.
Seriously though. A generic porny jort / underage bikini ad is one thing. That it’s an American Apparel ad takes it to whole other level of shittiness. Fuck that horrible company.
Yeah, AdBlock is just the solution to my personal problem of “I don’t want to see ads.” The fact that those American Apparel ads and their ilk exist is a much bigger, public problem, and so far nobody’s developed a browser add-on that can solve it.
I am the queerest queer who ever did queer, and those ads have made me feel like a pedophile just for looking in their direction since I was younger than the models portrayed. (Which would have made me twelve at the oldest.)
Me Too! Although I would argue that we hate the AA ads for many good reasons.
I have a non-adblocking solution for you, but it involves obsessively shopping for the perfect armchair all over the internet and/ or downloading an awful lot of romance novels. I basically only get furniture and various book/ audiobook ads at this point. None of them have contained the perfect chair yet, but I’m hopeful.
Hi friends, I start law school on MONDAY!! anyone have advice/info/commiserations for me?
HIII. I’m starting 3L (in Canada, though). Here is my advice:
1) Take time to keep up your friendships, your favourite activities, and eat ok food. A LOT of people let their relationships and hobbies fall by the wayside and it is NOT WORTH IT. Your grades and your school life will benefit if you take time to be a real human, I promise!
2) Use your community. Make friends with like-minded law people. It’s so nice to have people who understand what you’re going through, because sometimes your girlfriend/mom/friends will be like “haha yeah I had some stressful exams too” and you will want to bite their head off and that is NOT acceptable.
3) Keep law talk to your law friends, and don’t talk about school when you’re out being social with them. My class (who all hang out together constantly) keep this rule pretty strictly.
4) Don’t talk about school on facebook! Don’t post your grades, don’t post about how stressed out you are, don’t post about your long hours in the library. Consider how seeing these things might affect all the other people in your class. We, as a class, also have a pretty strict rule about not talking about school on facebook (beyond like, what are we reading for tomorrow).
5) You don’t actually need to do all the reading. I’m not the kind of person that ever did, but some people try and it’s crazy. Experiment with different levels of “doing-the-reading” and find what works for you. I found reading just the facts of the cases before class helpful – that way I would know what the prof was talking about, but I didn’t need to spend an hour struggling through some legal argument that I don’t understand anyways and the prof will explain.
6) Law can be alienating, especially if you are a person of colour or otherwise a member of another non-privileged class. I wish I had answers about this for you.
7) Lastly, have fun. Your classmates will be some of your best friends. Prepare for midnight coffees with study buddies, for wine nights and colouring when you just can’t deal with studying anymore, and for some really, really fun times. It’s like going through a war or something: you come out weirdly close. My entire class is in love with each other and they have all been an amazing source of support and humour since the first day of 1L.
GOOD LUCK.
This is perspective from a partner-of-a-law-graduate:
1) Just because you are good friends with someone doesn’t mean they are good study buddies for you. That is okay, and most people should understand this after a semester or two as relationships shake out.
2) Super_Novice’s #4 – YES. DON’T DO THIS. It makes even smart people feel awful about themselves and it makes you look like a dick.
3) Speaking of studying: feel free to find your own jam. The library carrels are great for some people, not for others. Some people can do a coffee shop, others need silence. You do you, it’s your grades.
4) I generally agree with super_novice’s advice in her/his #1, but I have to add as a former grad student myself, it’s okay to be a little selfish during this time. Don’t completely cut out non-law-school friends and family, but also don’t feel bad if you can’t make happy hour as often or you’re missing a daytime weekend event to study (or you need to skip it to relax on your own!). You are paying a lot of money for this degree, and it is hard work, and it is okay to make it a #1 priority.
Best of luck!!!
I agree with super_novice and polka_stripes, but also:
(1) Use commercial outlines, they will save you lots of time and are especially helpful when studying for exams.
(2) IME, speaking up in class is not correlated with good grades. So don’t be afraid that Mr. X (a.k.a., The Hand) who won’t shut up in contracts (law school attracts a lot of people who like the sound of their own voice) is understanding something better than you are and that you’re missing something. Also, this probably goes without saying, but make sure you’re not The Hand.
(3) Getting into law school means you probably already know how to study and what works for you. It’s okay to try new things, but don’t force yourself to join a study group if that kind of thing doesn’t work for you, just because it’s something law students in the movies do.
(4) You’ll make good friends in law school, but try to cultivate a life outside of law school, also, especially if you moved to a new city for school. My second year I lived with a bunch of undergrad artists, and it was such a relief to come home to non-law students (I lived in a fishbowl dorm my first year).
In Defence Of Being The Hand:
In 1L I was probably pretty annoying to others, but it’s because I’m an “interactive” learner and sitting in class just listening is a sure recipe for a 2 hour daydream with no retention of material whatsoever. So I was pretty into class discussions and asking questions because it engaged me, which helped me learn. Sorry, fellow classmates in 1L! Well, actually not sorry, I got good marks and was able to sail around my last 2 years because I had a job based on my 1L marks. Plus I actually found the courses pretty interesting and ended up with pretty good connections with my professors, who were often the best ever. Feminist law profs FTW. Those connections also gave me neat research opportunities and my spot on my moot team, so, yeah. My first year marks also got me quite a bit of cash in scholarships.
Which leads me to MY 1L advice (from Canada, so YMMV). Get the best marks you can in 1L, especially if you want a firm job. Nobody has ever looked at my 2L and 3L marks, ever. And now that I’m a third year call, probably won’t ever. In my upper years I took classes I loved, went to Coachella during exam season (I didn’t actually have any exams, so yeah), and wrote a children’s comic book for my final project in my final course in law school, and handed in my directed research from a weird outdoor hotel lobby in Thailand.
I did basically all my reading in 1L and I’m glad I did. I also made my own outlines. It was a slog, and there are definitely different ways to do it, but I draw on the things I actually learned in 1L all the time in my practice.
I also DGAF about being cool in law school. I had plenty of friends, and made a couple of very long-lasting connections, but I was not someone who re-made her social world around law friends, and thank fuck. I did that plenty in my undergrad, and by the time I was in law school, I really was not that interested in a social world based around a shared school or area of study. I still try not to hang out with lawyers too much.
ETA: This whole comment makes me sound like a complete asshole, which maybe I am. I dunno. But I got through law school and am getting through being a lawyer, and have a pretty wicked life apart from law school, and law school was, in my experience, a totally bizarre exercise in peer pressure from every side, so I got a bit tough I guess.
In defense of my advice that you shouldn’t be The Hand — I think you might not have been The Kind of Hand I’m thinking of? Class discussion is fine, it can be great! And you should definitely engage with your professors. But slowing down the class because you want to show the whole world just how very much you understand that day’s reading is not.
TL;DR: don’t raise your hand 16 times in a 50 minute class (we counted).
Maaaybe, maybe not. We definitely were called Gunners Row. I know people thought we were annoying (also, though, everyone wanted to study with me). I mean, I went to the bar and stuff too! And people liked me! They just thought I was too keen for their liking or something, and I just had to learn not to care about that.
Yeah, I don’t think I was The Hand. But I failed to conform to a dominant ideal of “law student-ness”, which worked for me.
Reasonable minds may differ re: whether to be the hand / gun / etc. Either way, I was the kind of law student that *really* needed to do all the reading, make my own outlines, etc. As a haptic learner, commercial outlines were gonna do jack sh*t for me.
I liked to be several days ahead in all my classes, mostly because my 1L profs were very old school and unpredictable, so they might get way out ahead of the syllabus, and if you got cold called and were unprepared, it was bad and felt even worse.
I really loved having a study group, esp. that first year. There were a total of six of us, and we didn’t really do much till the last 3rd of the semester. Then we shared outlines, discussed material, and (most important!) reviewed practice tests together. Practicing issue-spotting and applying the material you’ve learned is a really key part of exam prep, and only your classmates really know the scope of your class.
Also yes, sadly, 1L grades matter a loooooot. It’s probably worth a year of misery to get yourself off on the right foot. At least that proved true for me. And if you think you might want to clerk, grades + law review matter in later years too. And if you’re not sure what kind of law you want to practice, keep your options open w/ practical classes (e.g. I didn’t take bankruptcy, b/c who cares, and now 3 years later it turns out that a bankruptcy clerkship would be a really great way for me to spend a year, for a ton of reasons, and whoops. . . )
Try to keep sane and preserve resources!! The first year is the worst, but giving it your all will be worth it later.
I am a librarian (non-JD) at a law school and I would suggest:
1) Ask the librarians lots of questions. Find the one who has candy in their office and eat that candy.
2) Learn Westlaw, Lexis, and Bloomberg. Different firms have different preferences. There are also lots of low cost or free options to learn.
3) Don’t panic. You will be fine.
Guys, guys, guys (everyone in this thread). I am about to start a job at a law firm on Monday. I am an archivist. We should be friends and you should help me learn legalese and I can help you … I dunno, research stuff?
How did you get this job? I want this job.
Such good advice here!
Please be aware that many of your fellow classmates are trying to see who is THE MOST IMPRESSIVE. There will be a lot of butt sniffing and shakeout in the next few weeks. Like the scene in Legally Blonde where everyone lists their schools attended and masters degrees. It happens.
Because usually your only grade is the final, and (if you are like many schools) you will be graded on the curve, and then you will be ranked and sometimes treated as your rank (by others and the administration), some people will become complete and utter weirdos. Some people may steal books. Some people may study with you but not that hard because they want to do better than you. Some people may flame out or dissolve into a puddle of need. Some people will start humblebragging and humblebitching. Take a deep breath and try and find a tribe or group that doesn’t do this. Realize that bad behavior like this doesn’t work in the real world.
Also, when you get to the rape and sexual assault unit in Criminal Law, some members of your section are going to say some really gross, ridiculous things that may make you angry. I’m sorry. Maybe this won’t happen though, that would be cool.
I guess what I said was sort of scary, so I’m really sorry. But I graduated in 2012 and I have a very cool job, even though 1L was very difficult for me and I didn’t do too well. Just slow down, breathe, and do your best.
Sorry to hear about your friend, Bartender. <3
I cracked this morning and posted a rant on FB. Not typical behavior from me, and yet it was very cathartic to put into typed words what has been banging around in my head all week.
Random/fun rabbit trail: Do you ever have ridiculous, ridiculously short fantasies about people you see randomly? As in, make up wild scenarios or back stories in your head for them, as if they’re a character in a book? That happened to me on the train the other day, and it made me crack up because of the particularly erotic nature of said backstory/double life, but it’s happened before (in much more tame ways). Does this happen to other people??
ETA – Feel free to share!
I decided that my upstairs neighbor runs his vacuum so frequently because he’s using it as an autoerotic aid.
Yes I do that a lot! This was also a recurring thing in Run Lola Run – she would run past unassuming people on the street, and suddenly you’d see a bunch of polaroids of their lives and immediate futures. Great stuff.
I do this all the time! Mostly to pass the time on the subway. Sometimes people just look so fascinating! It makes me wish I was some sort of Sherlock style detective genius so that I could use my extensive knowledge of, say, cargo pant stains and messenger bag fabric fraying patterns in order to put some hard evidence behind my personal theories.
(The only thing is that I try to make sure I’m not making up anything particularly unkind or negative, largely because blah karma whatever I’d hate if someone were intentionally thinking negative things about me for a half hour while stalled in a subway tunnel.)
Yes! I am also a would-be Holmes.
I completely agree about the non-negative things, although I did have an instance where I imagined that a person was secretly some sort of alien/demon thing a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that we had an epic battle. But that was one time. In college. Now mine is also used to pass the time on the train.
Roxane Gay on Ferguson: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug…
and
Rembert Browne on Ferguson: http://grantland.com/features/ferguson-missouri-p…
God, I love Rembert so much. (And good for Grantland running that piece without a comment section.)
Second weekly cat thread, to cheer us all up. Check yesterdays open thread for more cute cat pictures and stories.
Since it’s all so awful, I’m gonna give you some kitten pictures, because kittens.
I’m going to jump into this thread for some kitten therapy. Sorry, nothing to contribute – just taking.
Kitten lusting after soup….ON a kitty blanket! I am in heaven.
This is wonderful, and exactly what I needed, this week in particular. Also, now I want a fuzzball of my own again. Someday, future fuzzball!
Never were kittens so dearly needed. So damn cute!
Here’s the Girl Cat, on a chair in a yoga position:
Your cat looks like my Dennis!
He likes to hang out in the wet tub after I have a shower, because he is so dumb. I love him.
“O true apothecary, / Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die” –your kitty
Hah, almost the same, except for the adorable white half-mustache! Such a handsome lad!
But seriously. What is UP with cats and tubs? It’s adorable.
Also baskets!
Dennis:
Tiffany:
The Kitty of Shalott.
I don’t have kitten pictures handy. Can I interest anyone in a video of a duckling snoring? http://youtu.be/sYpvEiRnWNc
That is acceptable yes
Holy shit.
Also very important: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n8fn7k9NiE
Yeah, I’m in love with your cats now. Hope you don’t mind. KITTENS! I love their pointy little heads.
They’re very lovable cats, so that’s fine. They were the tiniest, cutest little kittens. That picture of them on my shoulder and lap was the day we brought them home.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
So, relatedly, the kitty pics are adorable, and unrelatedly, thank you for the Lush recommendations last week! I marched on Saturday with a list, and the woman there gave me samples of everything (seriously, like 7 things), and already my whiteheads have almost gone away and I think I look awesome. Thanks to you!
Oh, I’m glad they worked for you!
Cat snuggles:
You leave a drawer open too long (more than 5 seconds), and this happens:
CAT PILE
They love a cat pile. Sometimes, when it’s cold, and the big furry ones are sleeping side by side, the little short haired one will lay down on top of/in between them until her body weight has forced them apart and she is being snuggled in the middle.
A friend took a pretty flattering picture of Garrus last night and captioned it “How do orange cats work.” And you know what? I don’t know. But he does.
We just don’t know!
Thumbs up for excellent cat. Extra thumbs-up for the name! (As per conversation below!)
Not a kitten, but a new-to-me-cat. He’s a stray who showed up around our complex this week. I’ve named him Colonel Mustard.
I LOVE HIM. HE IS A CURMUDGEON CAT.
Here’s Poppy hanging out in the designated “sandpiper corner” of my studio:
That is an excellent bird-watching spot! Oo, and such a pretty calico!
She will unfortunately never seen an actual sandpiper out that window. But plenty of sparrows, cardinals, nuthatches, and goldfinches!
OH MY GOD THEY’RE BUDDIES!! Are they littermates?
I have no idea who you’re replying to (nesting on long threads is awful) but my two are sisters. They’re called Anne and Bonny.
Menacing drama cat:
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST CAT PIC EVAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Thanks! Black Cat 💀💀 is a small creature, only 1/1, but he wields a mighty power.
Best MtG reference ever.
Oh hey the Ferguson police department is now trying to claim, six days later and based on some CSI-style-analyzin’ of security tape footage, that Michael Brown was aaaaaactually a robbery suspect the entire time! How profoundly convenient! No one objects to us murdering in cold blood a thug who stole some cigarettes, right folks? Right?? Now please stop getting blood on our uniforms.
If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime
(the time is eternity because I shot you over cigars)
Yep! Good thing it only takes 15 minutes* to disseminate clear and unmistakable suspect descriptions!
*the time between the robbery and the shooting
Are you saying that summary execution in the street is NOT the legal punishment for minor shoplifting in this country?
Of course it’s the legal punishment. Just like it’s the punishment for getting suspended once, using marijuana, reacting badly when someone points a gun at you, or being A Thug.
Aren’t the people who say that the same people who keep wanting to pass bills outlawing sharia law? What’s the problem, too much due process for them?
The Ferguson police had to dress up in all those Army hand-me-downs because their new uniforms are still in the mail
LIARSSSSSSSSS. My god, I want that entire police department fired. And also shipped out of Ferguson – perhaps to a lovely desert plain – since their continuing to be in the community at all is terrible.
There’s a lovely sinkhole in Siberia that they could patrol.
There’s a really nice radioactive island in the Bering Sea they could protect.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since I heard; it pisses me off so much. Who cares if he stole some cigars? The punishment for theft is not the death penalty! Don’t try to distract people from the fact that one of your officers thought it was appropriate to gun someone down as they ran away.
Yesterday, I was so relieved that the police were finally getting their act together once Johnson was in charge, but at the same time I was worried that my relief was displacing the rage and anger that I think is so necessary in this situation.
Not worried about that anymore.
We shot an unarmed kid in the middle of the street while he had his hands up, but it’s okay, you see, because one time he did something that wasn’t nice.
Sorry for your loss, Bartender.
A while ago, on a random questionnaire, there was a question about when you last felt proud of yourself. And I thought about it, and could only come up with one instance, in high school, when I was proud of myself. That still stands, and I’m thinking it’s maybe not the healthiest attitude to have?
So Toasties, how do you go about feeling proud? Any advice/sympathy/others who also don’t have anything to be proud about?
I am often not proud of myself even though I have done a lot of things I should be proud of. I don’t have much advice, but I wanted to sit here and say ‘yes, this is a thing for me too’.
Thank you, it means a lot to have someone sitting here with me on this.
I think you kind of have to give yourself permission to be proud? I’m sure you have done lots of things since high school that other people would be proud of if they did them. Maybe you just have your proud-o-meter set too high?
The things I’m proud most of are the things that involved risk of rejection or failure, something where I put myself out there – writing and such. But for, say, my fella, he is most proud of overcoming physical challenges that he sets for himself. So maybe if your meter isn’t set too high, it’s that you’re not dialed in to the right frequency, if that makes any sense?
I think that you might be right, and that my meter is too high. But if it’s always been this high (and as far as I can remember it has been), how do I go about recalibrating? I guess that’s the hard question.
Hmmmmn.
Is proud a feeling or an attitude?
My sort of gut reaction is that I cannot make myself feel things about myself, I can’t make the emotions happen, they do or they don’t. But I can take the actions anyway. So if I am not feeling pride in my work, I can still claim pride in it (which might change my internal narrative over time and open up more space for the feelings), and I can try to /act/ proud. I am not sure exactly what acting proud would be for me, but I think it would be trying to tell people about what I have accomplished and expecting them to recognise my accomplishments and respect me for them.
If you are a ‘why’ person, do you know why it might be set too high, and what it is you’re protecting by keeping it like that?
Hmm, I also can’t think of things that make me feel proud. In fact I tend to only feel proud about other people in my life doing well.
I’m not sure if it’s a bad thing though (I just typed a long post trying to work out my feelings about this and then deleted it all…). I think for me, I’ve always been told I could do whatever I put my mind to (very supportive upbringing) so if I achieve something I tend to just think ‘Well, that was within my ability to achieve, and I achieved it’. When I fail at something, usually I just assume I didn’t work hard enough and that I’m to blame. Typing it out it’s quite a funny attitude to have I guess, perhaps it’s because I stay in my comfort zone in terms of achievements, so maybe if I ran a marathon or did something sporty (I’m not a sporty person) I’d get those feelings of pride.
That’s pretty exactly the same attitude I have. Which is why ‘being proud’ is not something I attach to the things which I have done. But I’m not satisfied, or content, or any of those related attitudes, even with the things within my capability that I achieved. I could / should have done better. So maybe if you don’t have the second shamey voice in your head you’re doing ok?
I guess in moderation that voice would be ok, but if it’s too much I think that could get very stressful? Is this something that bothered you before the questionnaire?
Before the questionnaire I thought that that voice was completely normal – it never occurred to me that people genuinely felt proud of their own achievements and didn’t think of all the ways in which the thing they did should have been done better. It feels like it would be really restful and safe and way less stressful to be on that side of the fence, and now I know that it exists, I’m wondering if I can cross over. (If that makes sense?)
I understand what you mean completely. You sound similar to my boyfriend – whenever he achieves it’s never good enough for him. I’m not sure if my advice will help but my ideas would be:
External validation – tricky to control yourself but I try my best to tell my boyfriend ‘no seriously, you did a great job and I am proud of you’ and I like to think it helps a little. Hearing other people say good things about your achievement highlights that the ‘normal’ things you did were actually exceptional to others.
Before starting work on a tangible goal like an exam or a project or something, I write down what it would need to be a success. I usually do that because it’s a useful guide to keep me on track, but from a pride point of view being able to say ‘I achieved what i set out to do’ may be a useful way to squash that voice.
This is a slow burner but write down what’s hard for you now. What do you find difficult? I think as we leave school there are fewer benchmarks to measure progress against. For example when I started uni I could never have written a 60 page dissertation that I made up the research question for, 4 years later, I could. As we get all grown up, those kind of tangible measures of progress aren’t really as common. So in a year or two’s time, looking over things you found difficult today may show you just quite how much you’ve achieved.
I think I could give those ideas a go, they sound doable. Thanks for the advice
Oh yes this. It is a much more restful and good way to be, and it gives such good ground under the feet. I really, really hope you can find a way to cross over as long as you want to do so, even if it is just back and forth.
I think there are probably a lot of things in your life you can be proud of. I think wanting to have more safety and rest for yourself is a large one — I know some people who are in that ‘I could do more’ place and are too terrified to even admit they might want to rest.
Those two things can coexist. You can be proud of what you have done and still see the ways in which it could be better. For example, if you a runner, you can be proud of finishing a race, and still set a goal of a faster time in the next race. I crochet. I am proud of many of the things that I have made, but I can also point out the places where I missed a stitch or cut something wrong or something isn’t quite perfect.
I think that treating yourself nicely, and doing good things for yourself, are both things that definitely deserve a lot of pride and pats on the back, because they can be really, really hard to do, or to even recognize that you want/need to do. I’m proud of you for recognizing that this is a thing you want to work on/change, and for taking steps toward achieving that. 🙂
For me, I’m proud that I’m finally learning to trust my instincts about people. I’m proud that I’m finally, finally learning how to be okay with being vulnerable in relationships and to ask for what I want and need (and to skedaddle if I am not being treated well.) And I’m proud that I’ve surrounded myself with such a solid group of caring, compassionate friends who offer me Real Talk Advice, but who also will always be there for me if I decide need to follow it in my own time.
I am proud of getting one man to give up his comb-over.
I am proud of getting a despotic supervisor fired after she fired so many of us on a whim.
I am proud of teaching a deeply disturbed, abused dog how to not only accept affection, but to seek it.
You are a fucking ROCK STAR. Seriously. Those are amazing and wonderful things.
Thank you. You are so good for me.
I can see a future in which I have to de-comb-over a man.* What is this dark magic?
The other things are also awesome, and I would offer you a crown for them.
*I mean, you do you, but is a comb-over really living as your best self? NO! It’s attempting to deny reality in an unflattering way.
I get credit only for seizing an opportunity. Gentleman friend complained about wind blowing his hair into his face. Cake, he had a short, conservative cut, with nothing longer than a half inch – other than the comb-over portion. I saw this as a rare and precious opportunity and said “What would the barber do if you instructed him to cut it all short, nothing longer than an inch?” He looked thoughtful and said he’d never given the barber instructions. He had always accepted whatever the barber did, going to the same man since he was a little boy.
Don’t judge him harshly, Cake. He grew up in the 1970s and is deaf. In his day, there were few good options for his kind of deafness, and even fewer available to kids back then. He was accustomed to being unable to communicate. He was a very passive kid.
The next time I saw this gentleman friend, his comb-over was gone. I gushed over his improved appearance. We went to an event that day where I knew several women. I spread the word, and he was thrilled that so many women complimented his appearance. Their attentions guaranteed he would forever maintain a comb-over free existence.
So my women friends get credit. And I will accept credit for creating a trusting relationship with him. But this man gets the most credit. He faced so many hurdles with bravery, struggling to do what the rest of us don’t think twice about.
What a lovely story. This is clearly the best way to de-comb-over a dude (though if the last haircut in my gentleman’s life is anything to go by, the barber has also noticed that a comb-over situation could possibly evolve, and has taken steps).
May you grow in trust and courage, both of you. (Not that you need my blessing)
Hm. I frequently feel proud of myself. Firstly, I would suggest that you must indeed have sometime to be proud of! You must be really good at something. I, for instance, have recently perfected the art of winged eyeliner. I took a nice picture of the fog on the river in my town last night. I always text my friends back. I usually do the dishes. I pick up garbage on the road when I’m out for a walk. I recently went three weeks without filling up my gastank. I bought nice bakery cookies for my workmates today.
You don’t need to do big things to be proud – most of us never get to do those kinds of things. I just try to be proud of the little things I do that make the world .00000000000000001% better, because that’s what I have.
I am proud of you for being willing to ask. I am proud of you for being articulate. I am proud of you for being such an accomplished Captain.
… and I’m getting all weepy over here. Asking was quite hard for me, so I really appreciate your kind words.
I think you should be proud that you realized this is a problem. That you looked around and thought “I can’t write anything down” and then came hear and asked about it. I have a similar problem. I have some thoughts about how to be proud. 1. Start writing tings you do that make you feel good down. (Today I wrote my office/lab mate an email that opened with “I appreciate you!” The people above suggested a similar theme, its not just the big accomplishments you should be proud of its the little day to day stuff to. 2. Think about the last few times you felt like you worked hard. I’m working on being proud of myself for really putting my all in.
I hope this helps! You are great!
I am proud of myself for getting out of bed every fucking day.
I’m proud of you for that too! That’s a huge accomplishment – the most important one of all.
(I should note I’m saying that without a whit of sarcasm.)
I’m proud I was the one to have both started and ended my relationship.
I’m proud that I’m a good cook and a good driver.
I’m proud of the depth of my compassion.
I’m proud of the time I stood up to my dad.
I’m proud of my attempt, failure, and subsequent self-rescue on a difficult hike.
I started out by picking things that I’ve done that I know are hard for me. Like I was insanely proud when I didn’t miss any classes in my first semester of grad school, or when I submitted a scholarship application for the first time. I’ve also given myself a literal “go you!” and reward for doing things like walking into a crowded mall.
Making a conscious effort to identify what’s difficult for you that you’ve done, or what you’ve done better than you normally do, will help it come more naturally I think. And make sure you give yourself a real reward, whether that’s ice cream or a guilt-free hour of anime or a kitty cuddle.
Have you tried thinking about yourself as another person, or a character? I’ve found it can be easier to recognize and acknowledge things to be proud about when I don’t have to worry about ego. Like make a list of things you’ve done this week/month/year/day, then mentally ascribe them to another person, and then think about that person like the hero of your story. Does that make sense?
I think we all tend to see other people’s accomplishments and take them at face value “wow! she did that! so neat!” and not bother with all the mitigating factors “…but of course that is not QUITE as good as she could have done, if she really applied herself….”
So short story, find a way to be as generous with your own accomplishments as you probably already are with other people’s.
“…but of course that is not QUITE as good as she could have done, if she really applied herself….”
Hahaha – you plucked that straight out of my head. I might give the fictionalising myself thing a go, it seems like a suggestion that might work for me.
I plucked it out of my head, too! There’s a lot of that going around, I think. Good luck!!!
You too!
Oh I should have read down farther before commenting. This is my main foil” “I will not put 100% in so I never have to know if I actually did not cut it!”
But I just beat this one for the first time with the qualifying exam. I worked 100% as hard as I could and passed.
I’ve been known to struggle with appreciating myself, so when my friend gave me a very personal yearly planner I decided to write one good thing a day. My normal journaling tends to only be about all the bad stuff going on in my life and I wanted to take the time to appreciate small things each day. So I’ve been doing that since the beginning of the year and sometimes it’s really hard, but I was doing so well that I started a new journal recording one positive thing about ME each day. That one is really hard. But it is helpful to take time every day (uh…and, sometimes I just can’t and have to do like 3 in one day) to appreciate myself.
I am literally always proud of myself. I get out of bed every single day!
I’m proud, paradoxically, of the fact that I can allow myself to take pride in things. I used to pick apart everything I did until the good was decent, the decent was marginally acceptable, and everything else was an absolute failure that was entirely my own fault. Now I’m able to look at something I’ve done well and realize that it actually is well done.
I’m proud of setting boundaries for myself when I recognize toxic patterns of interaction with family members, and I’m proud of myself for enforcing those boundaries when some dumbass relative goes on a racist tear. I’m proud of myself for being good at new things and, if I’m not good at new things, for having stepped out of my comfort zone and tried something, even if I wasn’t good at it. I’m proud of myself for waking up and going around my day like a functioning human being, and I’m also proud of myself when I can admit that I’m not a functioning human being.
A person can take pride in just about anything, big or small. It’s more about the mindset than the achievements: would I treat a six-year-old’s first note on the violin the way I’m treating my first attempt at Latin? Is this evaluation honest or am I just setting impossible standards for myself again? and so on.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend.
This has been a rough week. I’m moody and emotional for inexplicable reasons. Also, breaking news: boys are stupid. I’m considering doing the online dating thing post-ending-of-long-term-relationship, but I am so jaded and apprehensive. Also, all of my ex-whatevers found out I moved to a new city and are coming to visit me this coming week (despite the fact that I work full time and am opening a play and told them I don’t have time for this).
That is SO inconsiderate. I’m sorry!
Congrats on your play-opening, though – I hope it goes very well!
Thank you! It’s gonna be fabulous. It’s a role I’ve always wanted to do.
Wait, what? You said, “sorry, this is a bad week, I don’t have time” and they said, “too bad?” Visiting someone is a consensual activity. You can just…not see them.
NOTE: this might be one of those times when my comfort with…I was going to say aggression, but it’s NOT aggression, that’s kind of the point. Saying “no” and sticking to it is just asserting a personal boundary, but it often gets interpreted as aggression, which is bullshit, probably because patriarchy. I dunno. I just…this seems concerning. I hope your week comes off without a hitch.
Pretty much! One is a guy who will be in town anyhow (and he’s the one I’d more like to see, so I’ll see what I can do). I’m ambivalent about seeing the other guy anyhow, and I told him explicitly “if you’re coming to town expecting to see me… don’t.”
You guys! My boyfriend of five years broke up with me nearly three months ago, and at the time I thought my life was OVER, DONE, there was nothing to look forward to EVER again… But since then I have moved into my own adorable studio, secured a new and awesome job (I’d been searching for months), started working out regularly, and I’m going on a date tomorrow night!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I discovered this summer that I really am what the Toast reassures me I am: a strong, independent lady who can get things done on her own and follow the path that feels right for her, damn what anyone else thinks. I feel more alive than I’ve felt in years, and I owe a lot of it to this website and all you wonderful Toasties. Thanks, Toast!
Dang, this is inspiring!! Go you!
I love this comment so much. You are badass! Have fun on your date!
Yes! Go you!
So wonderful to hear! That is really motivational and lovely and I am proud of you for deciding to follow your own path.
you are all of those things! congratulations on your new life and happiness – so glad you pushed through the pain to find your joy 🙂
Congratulations on your studio and job and working out, and I hope the date is WONDERFUL. But if it’s not, you already know you’ll be fine!
Holllllllla! Look at you, being awesome and kickass. Have so much fun on your date!
YESSS! I am so excited and happy for you! 😀
*still roundin’ up toastfolk in the wilds of BC – grab me on twitter @ kiranmartin* I know another toastie is in town very very soon and it’d be great if we could swing a meetup while she’s here?
I don’t want to bring my worst self to the conversation! How about my mediocre self?
the worst self of a toastie is better than most peoples self
Hey! Sorry I’ve been MIA. I think I’ve been feeling nervous about a meetup, especially after work-bailing on the last one. Also, I don’t use twitter!
But I hope it works out!
ETA: Nervous based on social anxiety, and also business. Not like, because of actual danger.
pop me an email instead & I can keep you in the loop? gmail, in which I am tindomiel. We had a very relaxed and groovy time & I wouldn’t see that changing with the addition of more people.
I know, being my worst self sounds like too much work. 🙂
One bright spot in an unforgivably bad week: two Amish girls who had been abducted earlier this week from their family vegetable stand in upstate New York managed to escape their captors and are home. Not sure if the story got any play outside the region. Hearing the local news updates while they were missing, on top of everything else going on, was just horrifying. I’m so relieved they are safe.
My mom told me about that this morning (we’re in SW PA, not sure where she heard it).
Oh did they! Wonderful!!
Jesus, just reading what you wrote made me tear up. I’m so glad they escaped!
I’m making creme fraiche ice cream this weekend! I even made my own creme fraiche, which is…weird, like, mix this cream with buttermilk and just leave it out for two days. Sounds like the beginning of a food poisoning story. But it’s not! It’s the beginning of ice cream! Sanctioned playing with food is so much fun!
Anyway, the ice cream is for an in-laws birthday party, to go with peach pie. And I’m feeling pretty great about it because I was specifically asked to make ice cream for the party. Because everyone bows down before my ice cream making prowess. Or whatever. Moral of the story? I am awesome and I like ice cream.
Yeah, making things with dairy is weird. I made paneer once and it was like “next, intentionally curdle the milk!” ….. But that sounds delicious!
Ice cream is my favorite thing to make!! That sounds delightful.
I want to eat your ice cream.
You do. It’s amazing. She made brown butter ice cream that was *ridiculous*.
omg creme fraiche ICE CREAM and PEACH pie omg omg omg omg
mmmm last weekend I made a donut peach galette with thyme infused honey creme fraiche – it was crazy good- and the only thing that would’ve made it better is if it WERE ICE CREAM. (also that recipe is on food52 everyone hit it up)
For a second I was thinking there were donuts AND peaches in the galette and I got hella confused. But no, donut peaches are a thing. That sounds delicious!
This sounds AMAZING. What kind of ice cream maker do you use?
I use this the Cuisinart Ice 20 (links not working for some reason). I have two bowls so when I’m making more than one flavor I don’t have to wait 24 hours between freezing them. I would LOVE one of the fancy shmancy kind that you don’t have to prefreeze. But I just don’t have the room in my kitchen or my budget!
I think that’s the same one that I have, but I always feel like I’m doing it wrong. (Also, I think I have a complex about it because on one of his podcasts Alton Brown was basically like “any non-hand-crank machine is garbage you will never achieve the right texture,” and I felt like an ice cream making fraud, which clearly I have not gotten over because that was probably a year ago.) Do you have any spacewitch ice cream tips for achieving great creamy texture that you’d be willing to share? 🙂
Hmmm…well I know from experience it is possible to over mix the ice cream. But I would probably disagree with Alton Brown on this front. If David Lebovitz uses an electric mixer (and he does) then I think we’re all cool. It will probably have more air than a hand crank, but it’s all a matter of taste and opinion. Alton can do him, you do you.
I love Jeni Britton Bauer’s recipes (her book is Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams at Home and she has a sequel I haven’t obtained yet!). Mostly I love her recipes because it doesn’t require me to waste or use up a lot of egg whites (are you using egg yolks in your ice cream or just cream? Because egg yolks are the key to that fatty ice cream taste). She uses a cream cheese base with some corn starch for thickener and corn syrup for keeping the ice cream soft and smooth. I highly recommend! Also the aforementioned David Lebovitz. Serious Eats has some great ice cream how-tos as well. They had a thing on how to make homemade frozen custard that was really interesting a while back! And they have the simplest and best recipe for frozen yogurt I’ve ever tried.
Wow. Apparently, I have a lot of thoughts about ice cream!
I love your thoughts about ice cream, and I’ll definitely be checking out those cookbooks. I hope the creme fraiche ice cream was amazing. 🙂
It went perfectly with the peach pie! Like, never making vanilla to go with fruit pie again perfect.
Oh wow, that sounds delicious. I will have to try it. I didn’t know you could make your own creme fraiche, I will try that too, I love it on pancakes!
There was an Italian restaurant we used to go to before kids which had a wonderful dessert made with semifreddo, which is apparently a Sicilian sort of ice cream where you make whipped cream and then make ice cream out of that — it is another thing I really want to try.
Ooooh, that sounds intriguing. I made granita the other week and that was super easy and delicious. I don’t know why it took me so long to try it! But semifreddo, I think I have to try that.
…it never occurred to me to try making creme fraiche, even when I keep on lamenting that I can’t find it. Do you have a recipe for *that* handy?
Also, creme fraiche ice cream sounds awesome and I’m kinda jealous of all the people who get to go to that birthday party and eat your ice cream.
So I made two cups of creme fraiche and it was 2 cups and cream and 1/4 cup of buttermilk. For 1 cup I think it was 1 cup cream and 3 tablespoons of buttermilk. Whisk it together, and cover it with plastic wrap and let it sit at room temperature for 24-48 hours until it’s about the consistency of sour cream. Refrigerate. Stupid simple, right?
I wish I could have an ice cream party for The Toast! But I’d need a much bigger freezer and probably we’d need like teleportation or something.
Oh Bartender, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend.
//
If anyone wants to participate in a postcard exchange with other Toasties, I have a form for you to fill out! Anyone can participate; you can give just your first name or you name, twitter name, toast name, whatever!; there’s questions about whether you want to mail internationally, how many people you want to be matched with (1 to infinity are your options!), etc. You can just send postcards with no expectation of return mail or start up a correspondence, whatever works for you! You can also participate if you don’t have a stable address right now – there’s a box to check if you only want to send mail. If you can’t send mail for some reason, you can also only be a recipient! The first round was a great success, so I’ll leave this form open for a little while longer and collect participants over a few open threads, so you have a few weeks to find postcards and postcard stamps.
Happy mailing!
YAY. If I can only send for now (I’m moving to an unknown location in like two weeks) but want to change that when I settle in somewhere, is that an option?
Yes! I won’t be matching people until labor day at the earliest, so instead of your address, put a note to reminder me to be in touch with you before I match people?
Would it be gauche to again respond to you with the Blue’s Clues Mail Song?
(I spend a lot of time with a three-year-old).
I was half hoping you would!!!
*clears throat*
Here’s the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
I’ll see myself out
<3 <3 <3
If my daughter could here you she would be applauding. 🙂
I am pleased to hear that three-year-olds are still watching Blue’s Clues.
Can’t wait! Is it OK to make our own postcards? Like a photo or something?
Yes of course!!! That is so awesome!
Related: anyone receive anything from the last toastcard swap yet? I mailed mine out a week or two ago!
Yes! I got one from polka_stripes herself, and one from another Toastie! So much fun to check my mail. Also have gotten word on Twitter and that that a couple of mine have reached their destinations, which is also exciting.
I just mailed mine out this week because I am A Slacker, but I got one from Palm Springs!!
Thank you so much for organizing this! I signed up again.
I need to ponder this as it’d be fun but I will have an eventual address change…hmmm
I’m not going to match people for a few weeks, so if you write a note in the address section that you’re moving soon, I’ll follow up with you before I match you to make sure your address is up to date!
Oh! I am a garbage person and signed up for multiple postcards and have sent NONE. Thank you for the reminder!
You are not a garbage person, you are in AWESOME company! And it is not like postcards are ever unwelcome. 🙂
Don’t worry – I specifically said in my match email that it was OK to take your time getting them out, because nearly everyone had more than one match so spacing them out wouldn’t hurt! You are not a garbage person 🙂
Eeek! I just filled out the form but my stupid Chrome auto-completed my email address. Hopefully it went through (some forms do not accept auto-completed fields), but if not, please let me know and I’ll give it to you via comment or something!
Hmm it’s a google form, and chrome is google (right?) so hopefully they’ll play nice. I’ll let you know if there’s an issue!
Yup – you’re good!
I have just sent out a bunch of cat postcards to toasties from the last batch, so hopefully people receive them soon!
Also the US-postage stamps here feature a baby mountain goat! Good old Canada Post.
Haha I noticed that, too. Better: the ones for Europe have an ELK.
Hooray!!! I’m so glad you did a second round, because I missed the first one! I adore postcards.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who sent me postcards, and yes, I am Bryn Snowflake! (It is not my legal name so it does not need to be redacted.) Snowflake because I am a Special Snowflake of course. 🙂
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS! YAY! I LOVE MAIL! I LOVE SENDING MAIL I LOVE GETTING MAIL.
Me too!!!! I love getting and receiving mail and I love making other people happy and coordinating this is a joy because I achieve all of my life objectives at once so THANK YOU FOR BEING EXCITED!!!
I am newish around here but this sounds like so much fun — I hope it’s okay that I submitted! Also… I forgot to add my toastname. Toasthandle. Anyway. Oops. Thanks for arranging such a cool thing!
Of course it’s okay!! I wouldn’t mind if lurkers joined! Do you want me to add your toast name? Email me at eberry227 at gmail and I can do that, it’s okay if you don’t want to though!
Thanks!!! I’ve emailed you. Yay for mail!
I’m so excited! I just got my card from the last round (omg it’s so great) and it was a nice bit of happy to end this week.
toasties, I don’t know if you will see this but I have gotten THE BEST postcards. One of an independent Chicago artist, and another of sunflowers in Manitoba. I hearted them hard.
awesome!!!!
Signed up! I missed the last one so I wanted to make sure to do this one. So excited!
Oh this is awesome! I am mostly a lurker so I hope it’s OK if I sign up. Thanks for doing this!
I hope so because I’m mostly a lurker and I just signed up too!
yup!! glad to have you 🙂
Yes! I’m excited for everyone to participate!
TGI-motherfuckin-F, eh?
I’m coming up from the exceedingly low point I had earlier this week. Thanks to all of you who helped me through it with encouragement and colored hearts on Twitter. You are all the greatest.
Part of what’s been helping me is that I created a Guardians of the Galaxy-inspired “Awesome Mix, Vol 1” for myself on Spotify, as challenged by a friend of mine–his rules were that 1) it had to fit on a standard 30-minutes-per-side tape and 2) all of the songs had to be something you actually emotionally connected with before your 12th birthday. It was a lot of fun to put together, and the whole mix puts me in a good mood. It’s so varied, too. I’ve got Garth Brooks, I’ve got Amy Grant, I’ve got Blackstreet… it’s fun!
TGIMFF, indeed!
That is a great idea for a mix and I think I need to do that when I get home. I may expand it to before high school, since I turned thirteen when I was an eighth grader. There will be Orgy and Barenaked Ladies and Hootie and the Blowfish, yes indeed.
I love this idea of a mix and am stealing it please and thank you.
That is the coolest thing. Unfortunately, my musical tastes at the age of 12 were limited to the Beatles, movie soundtracks, and whatever mid-2000s pop I heard during IM roller-skating.
Ahh that is an awesome idea! I’ve been making tons of mixes on 8tracks, it makes me feel accomplished with the cover art and playlist and everything. I might try doing this idea too.
Are you sure you want me to bring my worst self to the table?
OK! I will talk incessantly about The Cuckoo’s Calling. I am reading it right now. I started reading it after I finished Hild, and it is REALLY SUFFERING in the comparison.
It’s just so clumsy. And slow. I an 60% of the way through and very little has been discovered, which, you know, it’s supposed to be a mystery novel. And the language is so very clumsy and full of cliches and keeps telling when it should show. And it’s just shit, really, just really really shit and I won’t buy the next one at all.
J. K. was never the best of writers, but she keeps trying to sound lyrical and literary and dramatic, and her writing style really doesn’t suit it at all, and she should stick to straightforward plain prose because otherwise she becomes the literary equivalent of a 19 year old in a fedora and an ill-fitting suit using the long dictionary words in a personal ad.
You are SO RIGHT. I tried both The Casual Vacancy AND The Cuckoo’s Calling, and both I got about halfway through and ended up just setting aside thinking, “I’ll finish it eventually,” and then I never went back to them. I wonder if her writing style is just better suited for children’s lit or if somehow we all missed it in HP because the world was so magical that the attempted lyricism sort of fit in better or something. Either that or she’s just trying far too hard for adult audiences.
I had the same problems with The Casual Vacancy but found one story line so arresting I read it for that.
I’m not getting the same effect with The Cuckoo’s Calling.
I understand why she wants to move away from Harry Potter, but honestly? I think her slightly-clumsy attempts at lyricism would work better in fantasy. I read a lot of that sort of writing in fantasy and forgive it more, because it works better when you’re describing new worlds or magic or fucking unicorns. It doesn’t work so well when you’re writing an uncompromising social novel, or a mystery. You can write lyrically in both genre’s, but it needs to be fucking POLISHED.
I tried SO HARD to read The Casual Vacancy. I stuck with it for a few weeks and barely got halfway through. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to care about any of the characters or anything that was happening, and there was nothing in the writing style to keep me engaged.
Ugh I gave up on that book a chapter in. Couldn’t do it.
I had the same problem with the writing, but I enjoyed the book enough to want to read the sequel? I think I’m just a sucker for really cliche private detectives.
HE IS SUCH A CLICHE. And so is the secretary girl who is such a boring passive-aggressive doormat I can’t remember her name.
I’m probably gonna finish it, but I’ll only buy the sequel if it’s a pound or less in a charity shop.
Psh, buying. That’s what the library’s 15 copies are for.
(THE SECRETARY. She kept getting close to having a personality, and falling short! So frustrating!)
We can talk about how wonderful Hild is though, right?
OMG I keep talking about it to everyone
If I’d read it in hard copy I’d probably be pressing it into strangers hands.
When I think about it I get filled with stars
The world-building is so incredible I can’t even. And the writing, Jesus Christ! Ahhhhhh. So good.
(No lie, it took me forever to read and I kept on having to take breaks when I felt myself starting to fade but it was totally worth it. I don’t think I can ever read it again but I love it.)
It feels like someone read my brainwaves and decided to write the perfect book for me.
I love it so much I’m probably going to buy a second hard-copy version, in case my ereader craps out ever.
It was the perfect book for some of us too, so now I am dying to know what your other perfect books are in case there is overlap!
Well, if you have goodreads you can friend me there and compare our books – I currently have nearly 400 books in my read, and that’s not a complete list. https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4802875-caitl…
You might like Ahab’s Wife by Sena Jeter Naslund — it was somewhat similar to me in ways that I can’t define. Lovely language, world-building, centered on women, situated in a specific place and time. OK I guess I defined it. My work friend who read and loved Ahab’s Wife at my recommendation also read and loved Hild, so that’s something?
I cannot WAIT for Hild! I’ve been checking back religiously to see whether it would be added to the Brighotn library stock and it FINALLY was ordered but still hasn’t appeared. I’m on the reserve list now and check every time I work. And alas, only one copy. Owl Queen, did you buy it, or were Norfolk libraries more on the ball about ordering Hild?
ETA: NM, O. Queen, i see that you are going to get a 2nd copy. Hmmmm I want to reeeead iiiit.
Yeah, I bought it. I am very forgetful about returning books to libraries, so I don’t make much use of them.
I cannot believe how she manages to take people in like 500 A.D. and makes them so completely of their time but also absolutely relatable. I really want the sequel she’s supposedly working on!
I LOVE HILD SO MUCH.
I keep telling everyone about it. I just love it so much.
WOW I’m not a huge JK fan but I just read the online excerpt I could find and MAN that is not good. HP wasn’t my style, but I don’t think it was badly written. THIS, however, makes me want to make a Bad Literary Mad Libs.
“The [colour] [type of material] [brand of material] floor clicked [adverb] beneath her [color] [material] [vaguely unstylish in a trendy way brand of shoes]. She looked at her feet and [verb form of facial expression, past tense]. Her feet weren’t pretty, but they were [meaningless unrelated adjective], the way a [natural phenomenon] was [same meaningless unrelated adjective]. She glanced upward and squinted beneath the [type of light bulb] light and [verb form of wordless emotional expression, past tense]. This was nothing like [city author visited on study abroad trip].”
I STILL HAVEN’T READ HILD
Thank you for reminding me to put a hold on it at the library.
You will not regret it!!
So sorry to hear about your friend, Bartender. This really has been the worst week.
Even though my troubles aren’t very big, they are obnoxious: while doing some ground and pound in my bootcamp class, my thumb knuckles got all sliced up and now they hurt a lot when I do anything, because you wouldn’t believe how often your thumbs bend.
Also, a strange man was violent toward my partner (he threw something at her car and yelled profanity at her) and when she called to tell me, I transformed into this rage monster who immediately wanted to go teach that asshole a lesson in manners…teach him with my fists.
It’s like I became this rage-y werewolf who wanted nothing more than to hunt and destroy the man who intimidated my mate, who is the kindest and gentlest human I’ve ever met.
SO MUCH RAGE THIS WEEK
I can imagine and understand your rage for that, though. I hope your partner is okay.
She’s OK. She was shaken up, like, “I just didn’t deserve that!” and it broke my heart and made me so mad. She called the cops, who, after she gave his description, said, “Oh yeah, we are familiar with him. We’ll send a patrol over.”
I just want to thank The Toast for being an oasis of sanity, wisdom and camaraderie in the midst of all the bullshit online and in the world. Thanks to Mallory, Nicole and all the Toasties here. Mwah.
Seriously. Most of my other social places have been… bad.
It’s good to have a place that is kind, moral and wise. It is good to have a place that understands that some of us may be badly triggered and feel utterly powerless to do anything. It’s good.
Seconded!
Emphatically thirded.
Fourthed.
Man, this is one of the very few sites I have left these days. It is truly a sanctuary in a world full of terribleness and assholes. Thank you both to the writers and the commenters for their intelligence, humor, and overall general non-assholeness.
Amen and hallelujah. Preach it, girl.
I was lounging in bed this morning, enjoying the unseasonably cool weather and contemplating which boxes to pack next, when I got a call – at 8:30AM – informing me that I did not get the job I had interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. Readers, I am disappointed, not for the job as much as for the fact that it would have gotten me out of the suburbs where I am dying a slow death of suburban melancholy.
I am trying to look on the bright side: if I’m going to continue to work at 90% FTE that means I have 10% of a normal workweek to do some freelancing to supplement my income, right? Right. (Tips on freelance writing for the super-part-timer, anyone?)
depending on the rules where you live (legislatively-speaking) … is subletting not an option?
that’s what i did when i missed the 30-day-notice deadline by ooooone meeeaasly day. i posted my apartment to all the usual suspects (craigslist, kijiji, etc.), while the landlords continued to show my place to prospective tenants!
it was a bit of a hassle, but it was definitely reassuring to take some (small, potentially futile) efforts to not be responsible for needless rent moola!
GODDAMNIT, CANADIENNE.
(sorry @ jenavira! … my reply was for the comment just below yours! apparently multitasking on a friday is not my strong suit 🙁 I HAVE EXACTLY NO EXPERIENCE WITH FREELANCING LIKE A BADASS.)
Man, who make rejection phone-calls? Emails for bad news, guys. Figure it out. (Unless they were super nice and wanted to give you helpful feedback. In which case, 2pm or later. Seriously.)
Freelance writing: http://whopays.scratchmag.net/
Can you also supplement with editing, transcription, etc? You can make good money working for a college-essays-for-hire company if you don’t have scruples about that kind of thing. (And then turn it around and write a tell-all about your work as an academic-dishonesty enabler. Boom.)
Ooooh, thanks! That’s a great resource.
Editing and transcription, totally yes; scruples, still holding on for now. We’ll see what that turns into when the car payment comes due.
I’m so sorry about the job! That stinks.
What kind of freelance writing to you want to do? I am making lists and lists of short fiction and poetry sites that will pay for stories/poems and things, if that’s your style?
I mostly write sf/f short fiction, and I’ve got a good handle on those markets, but I’m thinking about doing some nonfiction because it’s….less emotionally fraught for me? But also thank you for the reminder that if I polish off that ghost story I wrote earlier this year and send it in somewhere someone will probably pay me for it. Eventually.
Have any of you broken a lease before? I’m in the process of doing so, and I have two options: (1) keep paying until someone else rents it out, which would be at an absolute maximum until December, when my lease runs out; or (2) pay them 6 weeks’ rent on the day I move out, with no refund even if they rent it out 1 day later.
I’m leaning toward the pay-until-rented option, but either way is a risk, obviously. It seems like places in my complex go pretty quickly, but what if this time it doesn’t? Ugh ugh.
I have, and it went badly and cost me $2500 all total, because we had to do it short-notice because my roommate at the time basically went on vacation to NYC to visit her parents and came back with an announcement that she’d found a job and would be moving out in a week.
As for your situation, I think I’d go with ‘keep paying til someone rents’ considering the way it seems units go quickly in the complex. 6 weeks is a long time for a unit to go unoccupied.
What a sucky thing for your roommate to do! But thanks– you’re the first person to not suggest the 6 weeks’ option, so I was beginning to doubt myself. I live in an expensive area, though, and 6 weeks of rent is a big chunk of money that would be difficult for me right now.
Yeah, our friendship took a permanent hit. We’re still friends all these years later (it was 7 years ago at this point) but we were best friends at that point, and now we’re friendly acquaintances, basically. It was shitty and selfish of her to do that, and at that time I couldn’t afford to live at home so I ended up moving back in with my parents… which also was not great.
I just can’t imagine them taking six weeks to fill that unit. I think you’re better off paying until it’s rented, it’ll be less money in the long run.
And depending on where you live, the landlords usually have an obligation to make their best effort to get a tenant as quickly as possible. So they can’t leave it open until December cause no perfect applicant has appeared.
Can you offer to help the landlords fill the unit? If you go with the “pay until rented” option and reach out to your networks, is there a possibility someone would want to move in there?
That is apparently “not allowed.” It’s a big complex parented by an even bigger corporation, and they have A Lot of Rules. I hate them a little big right now, for myriad reasons.
Rats, I was going to give this advice, too. Having broken leases a couple times, I would lead toward the pay-until-rented, but can you get the company to give you any numbers on number of open units in your complex/usual turnover time?
Ours will be the first one-bedroom available, with a few more opening up after that. They were being dodgy about turnover rates, but in my experience over the past year and a half, as soon as a neighbor moves out, another one moves in within a couple of weeks. (Granted, those apartments might have more notice if they’re going to the end of the lease, whereas I just gave notice for a September 6 move-out date.) Anyway. I think we’ve decided to do the pay until rented! (Gambling is scary.)
Regarding “not allowed”:
That does not mean you cannot try. It just means you cannot do so openly. Reach out to your network. Try to find a tenant. Just make sure everyone understands the “not allowed” bit. The corporate parent cannot know the difference between a stranger asking to see the place and someone you know asking to see the place.
Get networking and good luck.
I took everyone’s assurances that I know what is best for me and can make decisions for myself. And broke up with my partner of 3 years. He knew it was coming (he recently told me he’s moving away towards an uncertain future; I’ve always known that I can’t handle more long distance with him and especially long distance with no end date). It was the most mutual, mature, respectful breakup in the world. I love him immensely. It was the right thing to do. And I feel absolutely fucking shattered.
Being at work is helping somewhat, but everyone keeps asking what is wrong or worse, just staring (my face is kind of fucked up from crying). I don’t know who it is appropriate to tell, and who I should just shrug off. Uuuuugh.
I’m so sorry. Even the best, most respectful breakups are still breakups.
You don’t have to tell anyone – that’s completely personal and you’re allowed to pick and choose. Many hugs, I know how very hard this is. Be good to yourself for a while.
Oh you poor thing. Breakups are horrific, mutual and respectful or not. I send you hugs, many many hugs. The first few weeks are so awful. Take care of yourself!
Ugh, I’m sorry.
Lots and lots of virtual hugs for you, AddieJoy. It’s a hard thing. Be kind to yourself and take all the room you need to grieve. You don’t have to tell anyone at work if you don’t want to, you can always just say “it’s personal” and come back here and say what you need to. <3
I’m really sorry, AddieJoy. It’s always hard, even when it’s the best thing.
Oh god this sounds so difficult and it’s amazing that you made that decision. I want to tell you a less patronising version of well done and I’m proud of you, because that shit is hard. I’ve found in the past that a quick, ‘Thanks, but I can’t talk about it yet,’ works if you don’t want to talk about it.
When I can’t hide evidence of tears, I respond to coworkers expressing concern this way: “Allergies.” They probably know it’s a lie. But it efficiently stops further inquiry.
I’m so sorry that doing what’s best for you is so painful right now. It really sucks but you were (and are!) strong and brave.
I am really sorry. I hope you are being really gentle with yourself and taking a lot of time to breathe. Grief is so, so hard.
TOASTIES, i need your advice.
i have an opportunity at work to come up with messaging for an ad campaign targeted towards women business owners. i’m the only lady on the team, so there’s a lot of pressure on my voice, but so far i think i’ve come up with good explanations of what really doesn’t work (showed them target: women’s critique of yogurt, chocolate, jewelry ads), what tries to work but doesn’t (showed them the latest pantene “stop apologizing” ad and lindsey king-miller’s critique of it), and what does work (i showed them that “nike: voices” ad from a few years ago).
anyway, i want you guys to help me! show me
1) good women-targeted ads that already exist
2) or your ideas of what you’d like to see!
3) good websites/articles/anything about being a woman who owns a business
this is exciting cause i hope i’ll be able to be part of creating an ad that doesn’t make me want to rip out my hair when i see it. but it’s also nervewracking cause i could come up with the best idea ever and the client might say, “i dunno, can we have a picture, of like, a lady trying to have it all? you know, like with a briefcase and a baby?” ahhhh
I LOVED the Gatorade commercial from a few years ago with the “if you want a revolution the only solution is to evolve (you gotta evolve)” song? I think they made a version with Serena Williams, which obviously is my favorite. I would have liked the Gatorade Bippity Boppity Boo one from this year’s World Cup but I don’t recall it featuring any athletic ladies? Or if they did, they don’t stand out. But I thought that was a great song to use because it’s mostly women who would recognize it.
My favorite commercials always seem to be the ungendered athletic ones – ones that generally focus on hard work, blood sweat tears, etc, but that have women and men in them a) equally and b) without drawing attention to them including ladies. It’s just a given that women and men are athletes.
HAAAAATTTEEEEEE the pepsi company’s “10” commercials. The first one was Dr Pepper, but they have a 7up one right now that I hate too.
thanks for the feedback! i’m also a fan of the blood, sweat, and tears approach. i get all pumped up watching them, haha.
I LOVED this advert. LOVED it.
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/10/16/b…
oh my god, when she drinks the blue water! thanks for sharing this.
The little guff at the end made me cackle in delight
Unless it’s about menstruation or pregnancy, I prefer my ads ungendered. That’s just me. OK if others enjoy women-only products.
i, too, prefer my ads ungendered. it’s way too easy for gendered ads to read as condescending or pandering. unfortunately, going gender-neutral is not an option here, per the client’s requests. 😐
Agree – this is my favorite ad (to the extent I have a favorite): http://brooklynrobotfoundry.com/2011/12/29/incred…
ughhh this ad is so good. and legos. legos are awesome.
What about something that specifically calls out the challenges of being a woman business owner and then the woman handling them graciously? Like a new client thinking you’re the receptionist? Or being the only woman in the room for some big negotiation?
i’m trying to push this direction. a mixture of acknowledging the challenges that women business owners face, with an acknowledgement/celebration of how many women in business are doing kickass work.
Love the Misty Copeland Under Armour ad http://youtu.be/ZY0cdXr_1MA
They’re advertising women’s athletic gear and showing someone who’s athletic as fuck but who is also a woman. The shots pan to her muscles and show her athletic ability instead of just having her sit there in their gear and look pretty and posed. She is wearing appropriate clothing for the task at hand and it also shows that the product performs. This ad is the exact opposite of my pet peeve of the clearning product commercials with ladies cleaning the house in cardigans and pearls (like you’d scrub your bathtub/shower in that get up).
thanks for the example! that’s a great ad.
re: cleaning…have you seen the target: women video on cleaning commercials? she actually says, “slip into something a little less comfortable…” and i lose it every time.
This is small-time, but I like the Dollar Razor Club (I think that’s what it is — one of the razor delivery services, anyway) online ads that just say “Stop paying the pink surcharge.”
thanks for the example! that’s a great ad.
Oh man, I love Dollar Shave Club so much.
I don’t know if it is appropriate to metaphorically pour one out for your friend, Bartender, but I am doing it in spirit for you.
Bright spots in an otherwise dismal week:
+ Australia plans are slowly coming together, though they are mostly on my end and of things to pack/prepare. I leave in a week!
+ There is a new episode of Sailormoon Crystal tomorrow morning AND I am going to the NY Ren Faire for a friend’s birthday!
+ Costume progress for NYCC is slow, but I hope to get a lot done tonight and tomorrow!
+ I have a platelet donation Sunday morning that should push me over the threshold for the $75 Target gift card I’ve been saving up for, points-wise!
My Pollyanna-ass self tends to come out in times like these so bear with my optimism, y’all. ♥
guys even though the animation has been somewhat wonky i love sailormoon crystal and am unashamed
I think they’re actually pulling a Madoka and basically releasing a ‘working copy’ so the stuff that goes out on DVD/Blu-Ray will be way, way more up to animation standard. I’m mad that we aren’t getting Jupiter this week but IT’S GOOD EITHER WAY SO IDC
god i love madoka so much (original anime ending only, though, movies don’t exist)
I actually haven’t seen it yet!! Worth my time?
100% definitely! although it is… kind of super sad, so be ready for that. i cried a lot.
My Pollyanna-ass self tends to come out in times like these so bear with my optimism, y’all
Forget “bearing with” your optimism. Without people like you, we debbie-downers would drown. So thank you. Seriously.
can I ask what your costume is? I love hearing about people’s cosplay plans!
(also, that reminds me – I’m an episode behind on Sailor Moon, so I better catch up tonight!)
Of course! I’m actually doing a gijinka of Dialga from Pokemon that is being worked on currently, and I’ll be wearing my C.A. Cupid from Monster High as well since they’ll be there 🙂 I have a cosplay page – http://www.facebook.com/pepperpantscosplay – that I share with the rest of my group (my sister and BFF) and there are some pictures there! I’d be further along, but my cosplay stuff lives at my parents’ and I live about an hour away during the week, so I only really have weekends to work on things .___.
nice! there is nothing I love more than seeing process pics of cosplay 😀 I was at Otakon last weekend and there were sooo many amazing costumes – I was just in awe.
Oh man, Ota is a life goal for me but there are just so many people! I feel like I would just melt in.
Last year for NYCC we did a huge Super Smash Bros. group and people were constantly stopping us for pictures – it was amazing!
that sounds fantastic! The pics you have on your facebook page are great, so I can only imagine now cool your group looked at NYCC.
and yeah, Otakon was intense (especially the LINES, holy crap) – on one hand I was a little sad not to be in costume since it looked like so much fun (one daaay…), but on the other hand I was very glad not to be lugging around a giant prop (or wings, or whatever) in those crowds! Still, I had a ball. 🙂 not bad for my first con in 10 years!
True!! I took a long break in cons (I’d been going around 2005-2006ish?) but then stopped because of finances and lack of interest, but now that I have a somewhat stable job I can afford to costume again 🙂 First con back was AnimeNext last year and I got bitten by the bug very hard!
But yes, oh my gosh huge props are awesome but a MAJOR pain. I have a staff for my Cyprine costume (Sailor Moon, last of the Witches 5, yay obscurity!) and that was awesome because it worked like a walking stick but was annoying to lug around after a while. I’m glad you had a good time, though!! Maybe next time for the costumes 😀
I made butter this week!
I had leftover heavy cream and a food processor, so it seemed inevitable. Mmm, butter. It was so magical, that moment when it turns to creamy yellow deliciousness in the blink of an eye. YAY.
WOW! And also yum.
Awesome.
YUM.
Did you have buttermilk left over? What did you do with it?
I only made a little butter. I don’t think I really had any, at least not any worth bothering with, so… I sent it down the drain.
I’ve been fighting a monstrous cold this week and took some sick days from work, so I had nothing to distract me from watching the horror of Ferguson unfolding on Twitter and nowhere else. And I’m so grateful that yesterday was finally a turning point, but I feel so pessimistic and wonder ‘did we learn anything from this?’ What keeps this from happening somewhere else? I hope this is not forgotten, I hope there is justice for Michael Brown and his family, I hope the police department is held accountable for its actions, but I am not convinced.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Bartender 🙁 <3
Guys can I just say that I’m a bit pissed at how people on my Facebook feed are like “lol at everyone crying about Robin Williams when bad shit is happening in third world countries, smh lol america” and it’s making me angry? I don’t need people to guilt-trip me. I’m aware of what’s going on in Ferguson, or Palestine, or the Ukraine. I KNOW. I can’t have room in my entire being to mourn for what’s going on in other parts of the world without having empathy for an enormously talented and goodhearted human who suffered a tragic illness and death? Especially since someone I love very dearly also has depression and also attempts to use humour to disguise it from the world, and this tragedy happening to him one day is among my worst fears? Don’t tell me what to feel. Just don’t.
Also, I am watching people playing this absolutely fucking terrifying horror game called Five Nights At Freddy’s. Imagine if all of the animatronic animals at Chuck E Cheese were alive, and wandered around at night, and you are trapped in a control room with security cameras to track their movements, and they want to kill you. Crying, guys. Pants peeing.
I’m with you about the Facebook people who are like “why be upset about Robin Williams when XYZ is happening?” We are complex creatures, human beings, we can care about more than one thing at a time.
Also oh man I used to work at Chuck E Cheese as a party hostess in high school. That thing you just described is a nightmare I have actually had.
“I used to work at Chuck E Cheese as a party hostess in high school.”
Tell me more.
Things I remember most:
–shitty parents (many would tip like 5 bucks on a party that racked up $500, many would demand to see the manager because they didn’t believe me that the cost of the party doesn’t include alcohol for the parents, etc). People who were obviously rich were hands down the worst tippers.
–it was 400% better being a party hostess than just being out on the floor. Parties had structure (30 minutes setup, 30 minutes intro/dancing (“dancing,” it was basic square dancing moves with clapping and silly songs), 30 minutes for pizza and cake, 30 minutes to break down the table decoration, send the kids out into ticket-collecting ball-pit-playing land, and get paid), whereas working the floor was a full shift of drone work where you didn’t necessarily always have something to do. Also, hostesses got the tips for the parties.
–Everyone that works at CEC is supposed to take turns being the furry Chuck E Cheese, but we had a guy who liked doing it so much that I never had to, thank god. That suit was a stinky disgusting mess, because they never cleaned it.
–Ball pits are disgusting, never play in ball pits. Never ever. Don’t let your kids in them either. One kid pukes or pees in there and it will never be clean again, no matter how much you try and hose it down.
–Going into the tube maze to clean up vomit is the worst.
–The chocolate cakes are way better than the vanilla but they’re all defrosted frozen things regardless. Also if a kid’s party didn’t finish up the cake, usually we employees would eat them. If they were chocolate.
Also! The music in the background of the store was always 15-minute seasonal loop that always included a Veggietales song, so every 15 minutes for a full quarter of a year, I’d hear “My Cheeseburger,” and just when I thought I’d snap, they changed it to “Oh Where is my Hairbrush,” and the loop of slow burning torture began again.
Ughhh tube maze vomit. Horrifying. I never worked anywhere as rough as that, but I can sympathize with the music torture. IT’S MY PARTY I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO screeching endlessly over the speakers at one of my fast food jobs taught me what hell must be like.
I heard “Oh Where is My Hairbrush” once, ONCE, I tell you, more than a decade ago, and it STILL gets stuck in my head. Probably because I misplace my hairbrush about 80% of the time. Listening to it on horrible store background music would probably have broken me (December in retail was bad enough, and bless all my managers who swapped out the December muzac CD for, like, last February’s the second they thought they could get away with it). I, just, can’t even imagine. The horror.
I have never understood that attitude. Like we’re all only allowed to be upset by the BIGGEST, MOST UPSETTING thing in the world at that particular time? Because you can only be upset or express emotion about one thing at a time? Also you’re exactly right about it being like “lol u people upset about robin williams when there is AFRICA” because it’s never the person with an actual critique, just a judgmental dickhead with a vague idea about BIGGER WORSER SADDER THINGS.
I deleted my facebook app – not my account, just the app, so I can’t check during the day – and it’s been the best thing ever. People are obnoxious.
Nobody has room for feeling everything. They’d explode. You are more than allowed to feel how you do about some things but not others. I don’t understand people who demand empathy about everything from everyone. We all have so many different things that needle so many different parts of ourselves and ugh. Just ugh.
That game sounds horrifying. But I’m intrigued…
I have been watching this guy play through it and can’t turn my face away from the screen for a single second. I’m so horrified and fascinated. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7CpJqwz6w8
D: D: D:
Yeah I see why you’re fascinated. Eeeeeeee…
For those FB people: I would respond to each one with the same phrase, every time: “You win. Congratulations.”
Those people aren’t concerned about what’s going on in Ferguson, Palestine, or the Ukraine. They’re concerned about looking cooly detached and self-righteous in their concern about Important Issues. They are garbage people.
Yup, that’s exactly it. Thank you for summarizing and condensing all of the angry swirly thoughts I have right now. It’s so great to know that I’m not a shitty person for getting pissed about this.
You are definitely not. You are very wise. And I am *really* glad you said it, because I had kind of that reaction myself (inside, I would not say that to ANYONE), and you know what? It is ridiculous. Grief is not a game about scoring points.
One of the things I like about the Toast is that it really helps me work on scrubbing out my mom’s voice from my head.
Scrubbing out my parent’s voice from my head.
Fantastic phrase. I needed that. Thanks very much. OK if I steal it?
It’s a way of invalidating the emotions of the people around them, and it’s bullshit.
I’m with you where people trying to monitor and control my grief goes. It is possible to be sad, angry, dismayed and hopeless over all of these things, but trying to process them one at a time is not only appropriate but necessary. Put a fucking sock in it and stop telling me what to do and how to feel. Facebook leads people to think they’re really great at that. Not so much. Take care, and I’ll keep a good though for your friend.
I’ve been pretty depressed for quite a while, but hadn’t actually put it into words, even in my head, until earlier this week. And just doing that totally helped! (See my earlier comments about not having Depression….) So that’s good. And while the world may be falling to shit, there have been no crises in my family this summer, unlike last summer (and most of the year in between).
I’m also thisclose to committing quite a lot of money to getting Invisalign, which I am still on the fence about. It feels like vanity! But my teeth are getting worse, not better, so…. I guess I’m going to do it.
Feeling good about your teeth is a Really Big Thing. It’s not vanity. It’s health. Your teeth are important!
I totally get your vanity feelings (dentists have been trying to get me to get veneers for years, ugh, no), but, sadly, having crooked teeth has been shown to be a big detractor when people evaluate job applicants. It’s awful and it’s unfair, but it is what it is. Mis-aligned teeth might also cause other problems – my dentist just mentioned to me my one canine might start scraping against a bottom tooth and eventually break if they continue getting out of place. It’s not just a vanity thing, aligning your teeth properly is a good thing for your overall oral health!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Bartender.
Bartender – I’m sorry to hear about your friend 🙁
My 2.5 year old daughter came home from dayhome yesterday asking: “Are Scooby Doo bandaids for boys?” *seethes*
When I was little a boy told me girls couldn’t like dinosaurs. My logic ‘well, I’m a girl and I like dinosaurs’ didn’t impress him. My mother also seethed.
“Yes, sweetie, they’re for the boys who say dumb junk like that and then get punched. You can wear them too, of course, when your knuckles are scraped from all the punching.”
Perhaps it’s best I don’t have impressionable children around me.
Nope. Sounds about right. Carry on.
Okay, on to unrelated ToastCard business.
About six weeks ago, I realized I was getting super drunk and then super weepy and/or unfairly mad at my boyfriend and it was not a good look for me, so I stopped drinking. I kind of viewed it as an experiment – I was completely sober for a few weeks, but then got tipsy at a baseball game (as you do), drank A beer or A glass of wine on a weekend night, stayed sober most other nights, etc etc. I have come to the conclusion that, for me!!!, alcohol is okay –in moderation– and I much, much prefer to have a beer and enjoy it, and then go to bed without fighting and/or crying, then to either a) have lots of beers bc they’re delicious or b) be 100% sober (see a. – beer is delicious).
Anyway, I know a couple other commenters have talked about taking alcohol hiatuses, and I want to encourage anyone who’s thinking about it to do it, because your relationship to alcohol is a spectrum, and it’s worth it to make sure you’re at a healthy place on it. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, or maybe it does, as long as you’re treating yourself and your loved ones well.
My dude found his spot was right about where you are, and he’s made a commitment to stay there. As soon as he feels a little flushed or tipsy, he’s absolutely done for the night. He’s been solid with this for two years, (as have I with my teetotal-ling) and it’s been awesome.
Congrats on figuring out what works for you!
I recently did an alcohol hiatus because I thought it was the cause of some digestive problems. Turns out the digestive problems continued but were marginally better without the alcohol, and when I started drinking again in small amounts the problem wasn’t aggravated. So I, too, am starting a moderation policy, and agree that hiatuses can be extremely helpful in evaluating your relationship with alcohol (or any other substance)
I’ve been on an alcohol hiatus for almost 17 months now, and I did it because I was making some prettttttty poor decisions while drinking. I miss having a cold beer on a hot summer day, but I don’t miss regret. I also support anyone who wants to look at their relationship with booze; mine is still “I told you to stop calling me here, Booze. No, I don’t want to know what label you’re wearing or how good you look with condensation on your bottle….”
I don’t know if we’ll ever go back to the way we were, booze and I, before I got bad at drinking.
I love this description.
Yes! I have done these before, even just to try and spare my body some of the side effects of drinking and I always feel really good. And I tend to keep on the moderate side after a hiatus which is also great for my budget.
I am taking a hiatus right now. It isn’t the first one I’ve had and it won’t be the last, but right now it feels like the right thing to do. I’m glad that you’ve found a good place to be. <3
That said, if there was a non-alcoholic beer that tasted just like a good, alcoholic beer, I’d throw all my money at it in a second.
Yes, I was thinking of you when I posted this!
RIGHT??? If only there were craft non-brewery breweries 🙁
I like Clausthauler and Kaliber, and Bitburger is pretty good too…
Thank you for this; I will look into finding these in my area!
This has been a long-standing and constantly revised process for me: the end result, after many years, is that now I’m can go for months without a drink at all, or I can open up a bottle of wine and finish it off over the course of a week, and it is all fine. It was interesting to me to learn how to socialize and enjoy myself without getting drunk-drunk, or even heavily-tipsy, and learning that skill (which is real, and took some time of just no-drinking at all!) to have a really nice and casual and enjoyable relationship with drinking. Now I drink b/c it tastes good, and will go nicely with my dinner, or a hot toddy in the winter is a beautiful thing, instead of as a necessary part of my life. (For me, about 7-8 years ago, it definitely felt that way!)
This has also made my nascent pregnancy much easier than it would’ve been, otherwise! Though I will say the prospect of a Chicago winter without saunas or hot tubs or toddies gives me sad-face. How will I ever be warm is what I would like to know.
I’m so glad this worked for you! I think I commented on it at the time, and in the ensuing weeks, I went out, got pretty drunk and was borderline abusive to my partner. He’s been ok about it, and I was reminded of stuff I said and did on the night by him and his friends and I am just…mortified. So yes, there’s definitely a spectrum, and I know I had some triggers for some more extreme behavior than usual that night, but it’s a good thing to find what your checks and balances are, and then have them in place if you do plan on drinking.
Thanks for sharing. I definitely need to do something similar; I’ve gotten to the point where it’s just a habit, like you look at the clock and go oh, it’s after five, let’s crack open some wine! And it’s fun and very comforting but I kind of need it not to be an automatic part of my routine, especially since I need to start seriously buckling down with grad school stuff.
I’m on vacation as of right now. Running free, away from the lab, caring nothing for those stuck at the bench <- that is my worst self. 😀
I am completely on board with this worst self. 😀
I’m so sorry, Bartender. Thinking of you.
I am going to try making dried cherries in my dehydrator this weekend. Fingers crossed.
I look forward to hearing the results of your dehydrator adventures!
So sorry to hear about the loss of Bartender’s friend. This week has been utter shit. The world in general is going to hell and my own little space in it is taking a nosedive thanks to my fucked up hormones (confirmation of their fucked-up-ness confirmed by this morning’s receipt of Monday’s blood draw). I gotta stop all heavy exertion–including weight lifting–for the foreseeable future. Back to walks and restorative yoga until god knows when. Last time this happened it was ten months before I was able to lift.
Trying real hard not to cry at my desk right now.
Did anyone get my postcards? I’m feeling pretty bummed about that, too, because goddamn those ones that I put the wrong postage on were so awesome. BLLAAARRRGH.
So sorry 🙁 I hope you have a quick recovery.
Thanks. I doubt it’ll be quick, but maybe I can keep it to fewer than ten god damn months this time.
Oh how frustrating. I’m still waiting for the doc’s OK to get back to my workout routine. He put me off another month and here I am feeling sorry for myself when you have all the uncertainty. I am so sorry, CleverManka. But I am glad you have medical guidance and that you are taking care of yourself. Please tell me you can still have alcohol. Wish I could buy you a drink tonight.
Um. Well? Last Friday I shared a bottle of wine made into sangria with some friends. Never got drunk, but spent the whole day Saturday with one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had. Soooooo not sure it was the alcohol or all the fruit sugars in the alcohol? But yeah, I’m a wee bit nervous about booze now, too, which…
Ahhh CleverManka I’m so sorry about the hormone results :/ I can follow up with your ToastCard matches to see if they received them if no one responds to this thread, if you’d like?
For what it’s worth, your Perfect GIF Skills remain Perfect
Oh, that would be SO AWESOME. That way, I know they’re gone. You know? And can start the grieving process. edit: I sent out apology follow-up cards this week, so they probably don’t have those yet.
your Perfect GIF Skills remain Perfect
Nooooooo! That is so horrible for you, I’m so sorry; I know you’re quite into the weightlifting. If you want to take a restorative walk in Montana and then restoratively watch Netflix and restoratively giggle a lot, visit any time.
Otherwise:
Also this, because it might just make you giggle from afar (I don’t know where you live but I doubt it’s near me or we’d be hanging out on the regular):
I live in Kansas. Yay.
The gif concerns me because I am uncertain how someone got video footage of me wearing a backpack and attempting to cross a muddy stream when it’s a fact that I have never worn a hiking backpack in my entire life.
When I was a camp counselor in Minnesota, I was often treated to various renditions of ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK from Kansas campers, and that’s about all I know about that place. Other than the obvious flatness.
I am so, so sorry. I work at the University of Kansas and I absolutely loathe the culture of collegiate sports and everything that goes along with it. UGH.
It’s quite intense. But people up here freak out about the football teams in Montana. It’s everywhere. So, when you make your restorative visit up here, there won’t be any footballing.
The culture of collegiate sports is terrible, but perhaps you can take some comfort that there is a delightful person at the Natural History Museum on campus (which is where I chose to go over a football game the one time I was in Lawrence) who has labeled the fossils of the prey of the mosasaur “Mosasaur munchies.” I may have enjoyed the fossil exhibits there more than the animatronic dinosaur exhibit I went to as a child thanks to that person. (The beehive exhibit was also fascinating).
Oh, that’s so wonderful to hear! A friend of mine works at the Natural History Museum (he works with bats! very exciting!) and he’s helping with the new T-Rex exhibit that opens TODAY! I’ll tell him about your experience. He’ll be thrilled.
uncontrollable health stuff can really be full of suck. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, and hope that you don’t have to sideline your passions for too long.
(and YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY WITH THE GIFS YOU ARE ALL SO PERFECT)
Thank you.
You need this gif more than I do this week:
For. Real.
I possibly received a postcard from you! There is no identifying name or address but the postmark zipcode is from Kansas. If you sent one to a place in Canada that you’ve never heard of, and included a few lines about the woman pictured on the postcard (“Sam”), it was a lovely treat to receive yesterday 🙂
In any case, I hope your hormones unfuck themselves sooner rather than later so you can get back to doing what you love!
To Happy Valley? OH YAY! So at least the two international ones I sent made it!
Yup, that’s me! And I’m nth-ing polka_stripes that your Perfect GIF Skills are most definitely Perfect!
I’m so excited because today I’m driving to LA to see the Roxane Gay and Friends reading at the Last Bookstore!!! Are any of you going to be there?
I wish! My spacewitch powers apparently cannot resolve scheduling conflicts. Have THE VERY BEST TIME on my behalf, please?
Hugs for you, Bartender, and I’ll pour one out tonight after this shitpile of a week.
So I am getting promoted starting September 1 and have been basically shadowing the guy whose spot I am taking. He’s a great teacher and everything but holy jesus god, it’s going to be a LOT more responsibility than I have ever had in any job or situation in life, ever. Anyone else get thrown into a job like this? I know they wouldn’t have given it to me if they didn’t think I could handle it but it’s freaking me out a bit, so encouraging stories or just encouragement are greatly welcomed.
I am sure you will do great. You are smart and capable. Take advantage of all your resources!
Congratulations!!! You’ve totally got this. I don’t have any gif game, or else I would put something here with balloons and high fives.
Everyone, I mean *everyone* begins what turn out to be their best jobs with that feeling. Everyone feels unprepared. Usually, everyone *is* unprepared. This is how it works. This is the norm, the routine. Hire/promote someone smart and capable and throw them in over their head. They’ll bob to the surface and swim frantically, awkwardly at first. Then they’ll find their best stroke. Then they’ll refine their technique. Then they’ll improve their efficiency. Along the way they will teach what they learned to others. Then they’ll get promoted and start the process all over again.
You can do it. Accept the feelings. They’re not wrong or bad. And they will pass. I know you can do this.
Thank you, dear. Your words are always so wonderful <3
Toastitos:
How do you get over pitching anxiety? I keep writing things, or starting to write things, and then I go all “ugh who else cares about Mass Effect that was all the years ago” or “ugh this research study I did probably has 8000 holes in it why am I submitting to journals” and getting scared and hiding the Word doc.
Do you have any rituals? Steps you take to calm down or boost confidence? OR is this another thing like talking on the phone, where I’m going to have to get someone to force me to do it over and over and over until my anxiety gland is dead and unresponsive.
deep breathing and those sorts of things help, but to be honest, I think a lot of benefit comes from faking it till you make it. it is terribly anxiety provoking to put yourself out there – so don’t minimize it – but in the end, rejections can be navigated and used as fuel to improve your craft. I recommend submitting to the Toast to get practice – their “thanks but no thanks” emails are the kindest 🙂
When I feel anxious, I try to sit down and map out different ways things may end up, think about how that will make me feel and then how I can over come those feelings, if that makes sense. It makes me feel more prepared and confident to have thought ahead.
I will read pretty much anything you want to write about Mass Effect.
Seconded. Mass Effect forever!
My people!
Like seriously, just post an article where the full text is just “Mass Effect: discuss.” and I will give you pageviews and read it and participate in the comments.
I know, I read the words Mass Effect and was like YES, DON’T CARE, GOING TO TALK ABOUT GARRUS IN THE COMMENTS, SO EXCITED!!
What’s that? Discussing Garrus isn’t relevant to the discussion at hand?
(Source, w/ music.)
Same! I have just started playing after watching for years. Exciting!
I would LOVE to know how other people deal with this. I would like to submit some written work to a zine, but after reading what their editor is after, I felt completely intimidated and haven’t submitted a thing.
Also, Toastitos is now my favorite nickname for us commenters. Yay.
OH GOSH have I got a thing to remember that might help you with intimidation. It comes from job applications but goes for writing work too:
Guys will apply(/submit) when they only meet like 30% of the qualifications(/guidelines). Ladies won’t unless they meet 90-100%.
Act like a man. Take a man’s place in the submissions queue.
(Also, even if they reject you, they’re not blackballing you. You can get rejection-ice-cream, recoup, and try again later!)
yes, let us steal the swagger of men and surpass them
That is always my goal.
yessssss…this is really really helpful.
My strategy is to try to reframe everything as a win-win scenario. I.e., “Well, either they’ll read this pitch and love it, in which case they’ll pay me some money to write it, OR they’ll hate it, in which case I won’t have to write it and it’ll save me a lot of work.”
It also helps to remind myself, “What’s the worst that could happen? If they don’t like it, they won’t pay me to write, and they’re ALREADY not paying me to write, so I’m no worse off than when I started.”
I tell myself my goal is X rejections, rather than X acceptances. Somehow that helps!
Recruit a cheerleader friend who will enthusiastically and believably tell you how great you are. For me this is a good friend from high school.
As far as the “Who cares about Mass Effect” well, YOU do. Really excellent articles often exist not because the subject is Incredibly Timely And Important, but because the author cared enough to write the dang thing. And their interest is interesting!
“I tell myself my goal is X rejections, rather than X acceptances”
That is brilliant and I am stealing it.
I really really like the idea of making goals out of rejections. Thank you!
I just never finish my brilliant, world-changing book. That way I never have to pitch it and will never get rejected, or maybe worse, get published to no acclaim whatsoever, and so it will always remain brilliant and world-changing in my head.
Ah, the Schrodinger’s Novel approach.
I am just stealing all your concepts today.
I’m sure I stole them from somewhere else and forgot, so it’s stealing it forward.
As far as presenting my own research goes… This is a depressing anecdote, but one of the strange side effects of getting burned out in academia and not giving a shit anymore was that I stopped worrying about my work being perfect all the time. After that, my work ironically got a lot better, since I no longer worried about looking bad and didn’t spend as much time agonizing over potential problems. And I realized that my senior advisors constantly made mistakes which no one ever noticed or cared about. As such, here’s my suggestion: think about the fact that other writers, researchers, supervisors make absolutely boneheaded mistakes and statements all the time, and still manage to be respected, and take heart. By virtue of your caring, your work is probably already pretty great. Just think of all those stupid young male schoolchildren who raise their hands in class with nothing of value to say. You’ve done your homework, you’re better than that, and you deserve to raise your hand too.
Also WHOA WHOA WHOA. You’re pitching something about Mass Effect?!?! SOME OF US STILL CARE VERY STRONGLY. *Calm down, slow breathing, etc.*
Yes. I am not in academia, but my work involves a lot of pitching. Done is better than perfect! (I should have left my initial typos in there…)
Try to set a goal for the week and just send out X many pitches, or if it’s just one place, send that one out and check it off a list, physically. You’ll still be stomach-pangy, because it’s hard to submit things for another’s approval and wait and wait and wait for it…but the more you have out at any one time, the less is hanging on just one submission. It is hard, and anxiety-twanging, but it does get easier and LESS twangy.
*breaks through wall* DID SOMEONE ASK WHO STILL CARES ABOUT MASS EFFECT???
Seriously! Seriously. My mass effect cares will go on forever into infinity.
One thing that really helps me- like, is one of the only things that matter when I submit things! Even though it shouldn’t be! Because humans are weird and this is how I work!- is outside confirmation from a trusted person that I have not, in fact, written a steaming heap of bearcat diarrhea. My is-this-shit consultant is the same person I can trust to calm me down when I’m thinking myself in circles.
Another is taking the Stephen King perspective of just submitting and writing and submitting and writing until some person somewhere decides my writing is decent. What’s the worst that’ll happen? It won’t get published? Well, neither will that document gathering dust on my hard drive.
This was a hard week; a harder week than I even thought it would be.
I visited home last weekend for the first time in a long while and was overcome with homesickness and a love for my mother, who lives thousands of miles away. She’s getting older, I’m getting older, etc.
I started and finished An Untamed State, which was just so good and so painful to read.
Yesterday I heard that friend from high school that I had lost touch with killed himself on Wednesday. And my husband decided to go out golfing and drinking with friends instead of coming home after work. When he did finally get home, he talked about like 10 other things before saying, “oh, sorry about your friend. I meant to say that earlier.”
This does not even touch the horrors happening elsewhere, I know. But this was not my best week.
Oh man, what a bunch of tough things to happen to you. I’m sorry.
This week was apparently total shit everywhere. I’m so sorry you had such a rough one, too.
I just reread my post and it is very whiney, but thank you for your sympathy. <3
What an interesting choice for your husband to make. I’m so sorry that this week has been balls.
Did you get a chance to talk to him about that particular course of action? Obviously I don’t know your life, and you know whether it needs addressing or not, but I feel like this is an instance where maybe you need to point out that was not cool.
That is a really rough week. I am so sorry about your friend, and about the distance between you and the places and people you love. And BAD HUSBAND for not making you a priority!
Personal finance threat Toasters – how is our bread this week?
I splurged and bought a Groupon to a spa last night and feel equal parts great and stupid. I’ve been trying to funnel all of my spare cash into my ski boots/bike fund. I’m hoping I can get the new bike within the month or so. Anyone else on the cusp of a big exciting purchase?
FEELING GREAT. I got an unexpected bonus on my paycheque! Keepin’ my student loans in check.
I unexpectedly had almost ten whole vacation days added to my final paycheck (I thought I only had like one or two), which is basically the equivalent of getting a second paycheck. I’m rolling in dough and it’s burning a hole in my pocket.
The husband and I managed to get tickets to Ecuador for next summer using miles instead of money, and shockingly few miles, so I was feeling like a total rockstar. Then this morning the car made weird noises and I remembered that my bank account has enough money for groceries and not much else, and felt like an irresponsible child for vacation planning. But that’s pretty much my standard approach to personal finance. Once the fall starts we’ll have more money coming in and I can stop feeling like a personal-finance-adrenaline-junky.
I just found out I will not be getting the full-time job with pay raise, so instead I’m going to continue to struggle along at almost-full-time-but-not-quite while I also move into my own place (so living expenses going up by ~$200 a month or more) PLUS I still need to figure out what I am going to do about car, my car is dying and I need a replacement and I have never bought a car before I am not happy.
So, er. Not good.
My wife quit her job! She got a HUGE promotion ($$$) and suddenly couldn’t avoid all the toxicity and abuse going on in the office, so she told them to shove it. As she should.
The bad news is that our savings rate is taking a big hit. We were investing 100% of her salary and about 30% of mine, so we’re down to a 30% savings rate until she finds something else. But also, like, we’re still saving 30%, sooooooo… rich people problems?
I’m finishing up an old job and starting a new job at the same time, so I’m getting paid for two part-time jobs right now, which is going to be nice! My dad also told me that he will be paying for my plane ticket to a family wedding in October which is great because I was super stressed about finding an extra $300. Plus I’m getting my security deposit back from my old apartment back sometime soon which will hopefully help to stop the Chase Low Balance Alert emails for a while. Depending on how much was detracted from a big cleaning debacle, I might finally buy some more much-needed business casual clothes so I can stop putting cardigans over tiny dresses I wore to high school pretending they are business casual.
For the past…..gosh, probably 8-12 months, I have been OBSESSED with wanting a massage but have not gotten up the cajones to just SPEND THE MONEY TO DO IT, so do not feel silly for your spa splurge, I am in fact quite jealous.
Not bad! I’ve managed to resist scheduling a hair appointment and staying the Spending Freeze course! I even stayed in all weekend last to avoid spending money on alcohol and the resulting late-night fast food binge. WIN!
I STILL HAVE NOT BEEN PAID for a short story that was accepted into a fairy tale anthology. The check was said to have been sent out on July 6th, never got here, editor took forrrrever to respond to my two, very kind and gentle queries of “*poke* hi hope all is well but also maybe where is my check.” Then, when she finally got back to me, she said she would be sending out a new payment the first week it in August with tracking on it to make sure it got to me.
IT HAS NOT GOTTEN TO ME.
I wrote in to Writer Beware about them, and sent her another *poke* hi also where is my money email this morning (cc’ing Writer Beware) but I was SO DISTRACTED by work that I addressed the email to the wrong name so now I am mortified on top of being irritated that I have not been paid for my work. I immediately sent a “I’m so sorry where is my head, the person I was speaking to was named X, which is why I addressed it to X instead of A, ack, sorry A! But also where is my money”
Harrumph.
I’ve been watching these threads for a while, and I am about the embark on a year-long journey to get to zero-balance on all my credit cards. My question is:for long term projects I usually use short term goals and rewards, but does anyone have suggestions for rewards that won’t undue the work of paying down debt?
Hello and welcome! What an amazing project for you! My husband and I work our goals on a quarterly basis, with a check in every financial quarter. We set goals for each quarter, and if we meet them we treat ourselves to a medium price dinner at our favorite restaurant. Part of our saving goals is not eating out very often, so the four times a year treat is reasonable. Making sure your day-to-day goals are reasonable is important too – say $x from each paycheque, so you can feel accomplished when you actually do it. Good luck!
I’m very sorry, bartender. I actually just got off the phone ordering flowers for my great-aunt’s funeral, since my husband and I can’t be there because he has to have surgery. (Whoop de doo.)
My week has continued to steadily devolve and get worse resulting in a sobbing meltdown yesterday afternoon, which left me with an Emotional Hangover for the rest of the evening. Thank god it’s Friday. Thank God. I’m going to treat myself to a pedicure or some takeout or something to break away from this horrible, horrible, horrible week.
I went back and read the dirtbag stories thread and I recommend that for everything.
Plus I remembered a few more of mine.
I want to hear more dirtbag stories!
My friend Ben invented a game called Dogs in a Bathtub.
Everyone got a 40, and sat around a box. You had to spit the cap of your 40 (dog) into the box (bathtub). If you missed, you had to drink. If you made it in, everyone yelled “DOGS IN A BATHTUB” and everyone had to drink.
So that was a whole evening.
OH ALSO
Two people in my college were selling shrooms before winter break: This hippy creep dude, and this super awesome Colorado lady. I bought some from Colorado first. Then I ran into Hippy and he said hers were no good. So of course I bought some from him too. I took his and they weren’t anything too spectacular, but I had the other bag to take home with me over Christmas break.
After my family’s traditional Christmas Eve chinese food dinner, I figured I should take mushrooms I bought from Colorado because why not. And BOY HOWDY that hippy creep was LYING. These shrooms were FANTASTIC.
An hour or so later, my friend hits me up on AOL Instant Messenger and asks me if I want to smoke a Christmas Joint. I didn’t mention the shrooms to him. After we smoke, he puts the Jim Carrey version of The Grinch on TV and smiles at me. I look at the TV, look at him, and say “I should probably get going.”
I spent the rest of the night lying on my bed thinking about the Nazca Lines until dawn. Then I went downstairs and had Christmas.
In conclusion, don’t do drugs that men give you.
OH ALSO
Two people in my college were selling shrooms before winter break: This hippy creep dude, and this super awesome Colorado lady. I bought some from Colorado first. Then I ran into Hippy and he said hers were no good. So of course I bought some from him too. I took his and they weren’t anything too spectacular, but I had the other bag to take home with me over Christmas break.
After my family’s traditional Christmas Eve chinese food dinner, I figured I should take mushrooms I bought from Colorado because why not. And BOY HOWDY that hippy creep was LYING. These shrooms were FANTASTIC.
An hour or so later, my friend hits me up on AOL Instant Messenger and asks me if I want to smoke a Christmas Joint. I didn’t mention the shrooms to him. After we smoke, he puts the Jim Carrey version of The Grinch on TV and smiles at me. I look at the TV, look at him, and say “I should probably get going.”
I spent the rest of the night lying on my bed thinking about the Nazca Lines until dawn. Then I went downstairs and had Christmas.
In conclusion, don’t do drugs that men give you.
That…sounds awesome.
Sorry for your loss, Bartender. This week has been a shitshow.
I leave today for the Dirty Dancing Festival and it is the first vacation I’ve taken all summer so I am super stoked. That is all.
wait, the same one mentioned in the Dirty Dancing post this week? IF SO, A+
the Dirty Dancing Festival
the Dirty Dancing Festival
I’m so sorry for your loss, Bartender.
So basically I have become a Boring Domestic Adult and my main source of fun in a given day is trying out new recipes. I made this last night, and it was SOOOOOOO GOOD /Strong Bad voice: http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/chorizo-an…
Luckily my husband is game to try anything I make and the only thing he flat-out hasn’t liked was a Korean pork recipe with tons of ginger and gochujang, because he can’t handle anything very spicy.
Have any of you tried out any new and awesome recipes lately? Want to share good ones? I’ll try pretty much literally anything.
That sounds DELICIOUS. All of it. I’ve been trying new things because of a farmshare, but I can’t think of any particularly new and exciting recipes off the top of my head. I do have to deal with some cabbage, though, so… maybe soon. I’m eyeing a recipe for oven-roasted cabbage that sounds interesting.
Also, I improvised Bacon Kale and Tomato pasta the other night because it’s what I had on-hand. YUM:
Cook bacon, set aside to chop. Pour off some of the bacon grease, leaving enough to saute onion. Then add kale and cook until bright green and wilted down (this is when I chopped the bacon & tomatoes). Toss with Your Favorite Pasta, the chopped bacon, and some diced tomato. The bacon grease should coat the noodles enough to make them tasty. Also, add cheese. That is a life instruction: Also, add cheese.
Oh man, I have all of those things in my kitchen! Thanks for dinner for tomorrow.
I have been a Boring Domestic Adult for a good year now and I really enjoy it. I have made these zucchini crisps like five times now and they are AMAZING: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2013/09/zucchini-p…
The key is to slice them as thin as you can, because they will cook super fast and end up as crispy as actual chips!
YES thank you, I have a MOUNTAIN of zucchini from my CSA and I am so sick of it.
Well this SK zucchini recipe is ALSO amazing: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2007/08/my-favorit…
You read it and you’re like “hmmmmm ok Deb I GUESS just because you’re always right” and then she’s absolutely right it’s fucking delicious.
I have been meaning to try this one and now I will, based on your rec! Thanks!
Okay, reporting back on the zucchini crisps, and THANK YOU. My boyfriend and I ate the entire batch within 10 minutes of pulling them out of the oven. I recommend spicy marinara as a dipping sauce.
I think my husband and I used boring domestic adultness as our mating ritual. It’s good that we found each other.
As far as I’m concerned, this is the best possible thing to be making this time of year: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2011/06/charre…
I’m sorry for your loss, bartender.
Toasties who care too much, how do you keep enough perspective to do stuff like, er, make a living? Example: I’ve thought more than once about starting a shop to sell some slogan t-shirts. The thought that follows immediately on the this thought is that I live in a culture of excess and resource overexploitation, and selling niche t-shirts actively supports those things (Doubleplusirony that some of the designs are pro-environment). And why should I ask people to buy my stuff in particular when the money is going to me and not to a cause? This is a greatly abbreviated account of my thought proceses, but basically I spiral into a loop where the only morally justifiable life is going off grid.
I have similar dilemmas and no real answers. Maybe you could try to encourage the idea of fewer, nicer things by making very high-end shirts that will last? Like embroidered rather than screen printed, etc.?
Software development.
What if you committed to donating a certain percent of profits to a particular charity? That way you get to make money off your work (and it IS work), while also being able to put money toward something you believe in.
Some jobs, and industries, are more morally neutral than others. Some are downright “mildly beneficial.”
Also: If you make decent money, even halfway decent money, you can donate any amount you choose to good causes. Further, if you itemize your tax deductions you can think of it as keeping the money away from the Pentagon. Better yet, the company you work for might have a matching program.
That being said, this all sounds pretty accommodationist (is that even a word) and I feel you on wanting to go off the grid. I always think of the rich lady whom Stephen King’s heroine Dolores Claiborne worked for: when Dolores asks her for financial help in getting away from her abusive husband, the lady laughs and says, “All my money’s tied up in cash.”
Bringing people joy is important. And creation is important, fundamentally.
I have a very very good friend who struggles with that too, she ends up feeling like she does not deserve to exist unless she is putting more into the system than she is giving out. But — and I am not meaning this is about you — she does not see everything she puts in, and she over-estimates what she takes out. Can you maybe try to be a little more generous with yourself about what you give? Because for me even you posting this here is something given, it lets me know you a little better, and you asked a question which means you are interested in /my answer/ which makes me feel heard and validated as another person, even though I am sitting in a cafe typing on a computer and we do not know much about each other.
So sorry about your friend, bartender.
Seeing as everything, everywhere, is terrible right now, does anyone want to join me in distracing themselves with sportssssssss???
The Nats look good. Strasburg won a game on the road!!
I am counting down the days (years) until we sign Kevin Durant (sorry OKC)
Footbaaaaaaaaaaall (I kind of hate you but I can’t quit you) Loving the “Why Your Team Sucks” series on Deadspin again this year.
How are your teams killing it/being fucking terrible this week??
spoooorts! The Premier League starts up this weekend and I am beyond excited. Not about setting my alarm clock for 8am on Sunday, though…
Yeah, every year I struggle to get into it because oh god, 7 am on the weekend. I’ll try again this year, though! I, for no clear reason, really, try to follow Tottenham.
I keep trying to pretend the Giants don’t exist, and then they get my hopes up just in time to suck again.
Ha, I like that your commitment to love/hating the Giants remains in tact.
how are you feeling about one of the wild card spots?
Like this team doesn’t freaking deserve it. Plus we’d have to go through the Cards. 🙁
Which means dealing with “The Cardinal Way” which-
/vomits
haha nope WE’RE getting Durant *smugly lint-rolls pants*
(i just want to believe 🙁 )
KD IS COMING HOME, EVERYTHING IS COMING UP WIZARDS, YOU’LL SEE (maybe)
If this website has taught me anything, it’s that It’s always possible for everything to come up wizards.
The Toronto Blue Jays are just killing me with all this chain-yanking but at least Edwin is coming back!
I just got a sports news copy editing gig (!!!!!) that is mostly weekends so I will soon know a lot more about NFL and college football.
Nice! Sounds like an excellent gig. Yeah, it must be a bit frustrating to be a Jays fan, but at least it’s fun to laugh at how shit the Yankees and Sox are? Right? I like that part anyway.
Oh, John Farrell’s pain only makes me stronger. 100%.
KD KD!
This week I got very superstitious because my Nene bobblehead fell from my desk and his feet broke off.
(Washington sports sigh)
I MEAN, WE HIRED HIS HIGH SCHOOL COACH, THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!111
NeNe bobblehead, niiiiiice (except for the feet thing, that is giving me pause as well). Do you have a Jayson Werth gnome to go with it?! Also, how dumb do you have to be to go 105 in a 55 IN VIRGINIA. The answer is apparently “Jayson Werth-dumb”.
Lol. Friday at work is making me feel Jayson Werth-dumb, i’ll be honest.
The only other wiz swag that I have is a beautiful bradley beal and nene lunchbox from last year.. it is my pride and joy.
Wait…you have a Bradley Beal and NeNe LUNCHBOX?!!? I don’t even know how to process this information.
I promise to post a pic on next weeks open thread!
On the edge of my seat, I shall wait. My swag is so weak compared to that. I have things like “t-shirts” and “a magnet”.
As a Laker fan, um…let’s see…yay, Carlos Boozer? At least D’Antoni’s gone?
In other sports news, I went to my first baseball game in probably twenty years last weekend! I’m not a huge baseball fan, but someone gave us good tickets, and I thought it would be a fun night. GUESS WHAT IT LASTED NINETEEN INNINGS. (Red Sox @ Angels.) I did still dance to Mike Trout’s walk-up music (Started From the Bottom) every time he came up.
Haha, that’s just free baseball! I hope you enjoyed it! Oh the Lakers…are you of the mind that the Lakers are kind of bound up so long as Kobe is still there (you can feel this way and still adore Kobe, of course) ?
Yeah, pretty much! And I’ve kind of made peace with that. We’re…oh, god, we’re rebuilding. (I said that to my sister, who is a hockey diehard that doesn’t care about basketball at all, and she gave me this incredulous look. “I thought the Lakers didn’t do rebuilding years.” Yeah, well.) But yes, they really can’t do anything, because of the new CBA. That’s not Kobe’s fault! I mean, why shouldn’t he get paid what he’s actually worth? Can you imagine a CEO willingly taking a pay cut? But if it’s a black athlete, of course he’s selfish. The owners are such hypocrites. I’m sure most of them are these hardcore Republicans, but when it comes to running a basketball league, they are suddenly crusaders for economic justice. What about letting your beloved free market decide things?
Well, that’s what he gets for not being a white, male CEO! Jokes aside, oh, he deserves his contract, he’s goddamned earned it, but I imagine it’s frustrating to love him/kind of want him to be done now because Lakers + rebuilding = what? (at least to Lakers fans)
Oh man. My sport is college football and there is major shit coming out about my team as we speak. I’m sad that a team and school I used to love have been fucking so much up lately. I’m going to hide all weekend and hope that it blows over quickly. Although given that I work for one of their rivals I’m pretty sure my coworkers are going to be jackasses on monday.
Oh boy, methinks I know your team (“Gasp! They aren’t a bastion of good ethics 100% of the time!??! No! Pearls, clutched!” Is sort of what I just heard on ESPN in the background, god, ESPN is the fucking worst.)
ADDITIONALLY, EVERYONE, MAJOR OVERSIGHT:
Mo’ne Davis? Mo’ne Davis. She’s pitching right now, check it out, shes doing very well, through 2 innings.
Breakup is going a-ok toasties. I have to thank you all again for your kind words over the last few weeks.
Emotional rollercoaster tho, especially with all the extra stuff going on in the world right now. It has me feeling like this:
We are so proud of you for breaking up. We knew you could do it. And you did. It’s OK to have the big feelings. They will pass. They always do.
You’ve got this, bb. You’re doing great.
Good job, noodge! The emotional rollercoaster will end eventually, or quiet down into a kiddie-coaster with more manageable dips and swerves. You’re doing great.
OMG, my wonderful husband gave notice at his terrible job yesterday. I know we’ll be fine (buying stock options means you can sell stocks), but this is very scary. It really needed to happen, as the corporate culture at his company is just atrocious. What kind of company forces managers to give 70% of employees middle marks (regardless of how they’re actually doing at their jobs), and never gives raises? A shit company, is what.
I guess it would just help if everyone could tell me it’ll be okay. It will be, right? RIGHT?!
My husband did this with his horrible job a few months ago! he had a public service contract at a huge pay cut to go to and it has been fine. You’ll be fine too! I noticed in him a huge change for the better after his last day, like a big weight was lifted.
It was 3/3.5 years of the really bad at this company, so I’m looking forward to getting at least a calmer husband. I know I was waiting for the call in the middle of the day that he had quit or rage quit for about 3 years, so he hung in there way longer than I thought.
It’ll be easier to have energy to look for jobs now, so that will be a huge change for the better right out of the gate.
That sounds like a crazy company! Good job for him getting out of there. My boyfriend left his job last year, it doesn’t sound as bad as your husband’s, but he was more and more downtrodden and sad every day he worked there. He is so much happier now and so motivated – I’m so happy to see him happy!
My wife gave notice at her shitty job this week, also! SOLIDARITY. It is totally scary but totally necessary. It’s really, really soul-crushing to work for a horrible company with a horrible culture.
Cheers to your husband! May he find something rewarding soon.
Happier things to look forward to after today!
1 -I’m seeing Guardians of the Galaxy this weekend at a drive-in theater where you can bring your own snacks! Hopefully I can quash my annoyance that we get space raccoons and trees with one line of dialogue before we get a Black Widow/Captain Marvel/Wonder Woman movie enough to enjoy it.
2 – CA:TWS comes out Tuesday! I have pre-ordered my copy! I will be drowning in feels Tuesday evening.
3 – I have birthday money to spend! The power! I am either buying an ice cream maker or lots of beauty products.
If you with the ice cream maker, may I humbly recommend Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams at Home as your recipe book? I have loved every single thing I’ve made from it so far!
Either we’re on the same wavelength or you’ve recommended this elsewhere, because it’s already on my wishlist!
an ice cream maker or lots of beauty products
Oof. Tough call. Good luck making that decision!
highly recommend ice cream maker. it changed my life.
It reportedly took Vin Diesl six weeks to memorize his lines for Guardians of the Galaxy.
I’m seeing Guardians of the Galaxy tonight! With a Buy-One-Get-One pass clipped out of a cereal box! I’m a little worried it won’t live up to the hype. Also…. I’m a little sad that my experience won’t include a drive-in, because those are amazing. Hope you have fun.
THIS FRIDAY IS EVEN TOUGHER THAN MOST FRIDAYS BECAUSE MY DOG IS COMING TO VISIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trying to bribe my sisters into pushing my father to leave earlier (he is a night owl, and I have no doubt that he’ll show up at my front door at 11 PM, sleepy dog in tow) so I can snuggle with my pup as soon as possible. Also because both of my roommates are gone for the night, and I can live out my dreams of living alone with my boyfriend / living with a dog and my boyfriend / sitting on my couch naked.
THAT is the dream dog/partner/naked in the apartment whenever. ENJOY
Toast-friends, I, too, saw Guardians of the Galaxy, and I had a pretty good time, but I think that Gamora was embarassingly neglected.
I wrote this as a way to rectify it in the future, maybe you will enjoy it:
http://threatquality.com/2014/08/12/chris-versus-…
and this
http://threatquality.com/2014/08/14/some-fights-t…
I contribute as best I can!
*runs over to read*
This “Fights that Gamora could have in GotG2” post is a thing of sheer beauty. I now want to see all these fight scenes. I don’t need plot around them. I just want to see them in a row.
Thanks! I have high hopes for the presence of space nunchucks in future science fiction actioners.
I seriously hope and pray they are setting up Nebula as a major baddie in the third Avengers or some future Marvel movie. She hardly did anything yet she was still far more compelling than The Piemaker In Space as a bad guy.
Plus, Karen Gillan. What do you Marvel guys need, a road map?
I am not real optimistic about it. The thing is, even if they ARE setting her up for a bigger part, there’s absolutely no reason for the way she was neglected in this one. It makes me feel like that we’re seeing the emergence of a kind of Marvel House Style for movies, which involves a lot of quips and some action and some references to some OTHER movie that you may or may not one day watch, but that’s otherwise disinterested in actually making plot and character compelling in the individual movies.
That review is everything I was thinking but didn’t know how to say. Thanks for sharing!
I stayed up way too late to wait for chicken thighs to finish slow cooking, but the good news is that I have 1lb of delicious shredded chicken thigh meat (slow cooked with mango salsa and lots of garlic). What should I do with it? I’m going to set some aside to throw on top of nachos, and will probably combine some with avocado, beans & rice for lunch on monday, but that’ll leave me with a good half pound of yummy chicken thigh meat! Suggestions?
I mean, is “just shovel it into your mouth” an option? Because that is what I would do with it.
That’s probably what’ll end up happening, but I figured I’d see if anyone had amazing/delicious ideas.
What if you had a meal of chicken meat with harissa paste and maybe some nice cooling yogurt?
YUM, I just may try this!
With a couple of shredded mint leaves? Because that sounds perfect.
Sandwiches. Top it with spicy slaw (I am partial to the one in this post: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2007/04/chicken-je….
That, or enchiladas. This red sauce is killer: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2012/05/red-en…
mmmm spicy slaw
Is it too obvious to say tacos? Because tacos.
Make your own tortillas, if you can, because that will make it AMAZING.
Apparently not too obvious, because I didn’t think of that!
And (you may very well already know this, but I just did it 4 minutes ago, so I will mention it) if you can’t make your own tortillas, always make sure to heat them up in the microwave by placing each individual tortilla in between a couple damp paper towels (or a folded one), until they warm through. 10, maybe 20 seconds depending. It isn’t the same, but it makes a difference! But, yeah, I say go tacos.
This is my faaavourite recipe that involves chicken thighs — http://www.bhg.com/recipe/chicken/slow-cooker-ind…
Albeit, it’s a slow cooker recipe and the chicken is supposed to be raw, but I bet if you just slow-cooked the rest of the ingredients and then threw the meat in at the end, it would be super super tasty. Also, adding mango to the list of ingredients would be delicious, I think. Anyway, one tasty option!
Two thoughts for today:
1) Yesterday my partner asked me how I would like him to handle it if I were harassed on the street in his presence. Then we had a great conversation about men and the patriarchy and how terrible it is to be a feminine-presenting person in the world today. It was wonderful. And although I never get harassed when I’m out with him (my being owned by a Man and all) I am still so happy that he is thinking about the situation and knows that I face it all alone quite often.
2) Could one of you lovely, talented Toasties please write a historical fiction novel about Anne Boleyn’s time in the French court? After reading that article about her the other day and listening to my Six Wives of Henry VIII audiobook, I am convinced that that would be a fantastic subject and I would immediately buy a novel about it.
Dude if you guys paid me I’d whip one up in a heartbeat! Edit–re: Anne Boleyn book.
A kickstarter in the making!
Congratulations and thanks to your terrific partner. Go, him! It’s happy-making to know that there are others out there (other Toasties!) with great guy partners. Here’s to the men who understand our love and support of MISANDRY.
I really need my boss to come back to the office so I can go home. I apparently didn’t eat quite enough yesterday, and I’m in an anemia fog today. I can’t focus enough to get anything done (any work I accomplished would probably need to be redone), so I’m killing time here while waiting to leave.
Outlander got renewed already, WOOO! And it airs on Saturdays, which means I can watch the next one before my mom comes to visit for the week and I have to stop myself from sexually harassing TV characters.
I just watched the first episode online last night! (halfway through the book, at a friend’s vociferous suggestion) I bet they’re not going to put the rest online and I don’t get Starz ahhh.
Oh gosh, I know, I’m hoping eventually the library has them on dvd. In five years.
OMG I am really thrilled by this news.
I watched the first episode twice because the first time it was with people who haven’t read the books and so they talked sometimes. I showed admirable restraint and nobody was wounded. I may have spoiled many things though, to punish them for talking I just straight up answered all their speculations with facts. Because you don’t talk through my very first moment with Jamie.
Bartender, I’m sorry to hear it. You have my sympathy and my empathy. I hope you have good people to surround you.
I recently lost a friend, too. As a bit of irony: after that charming Kate Harding piece about friends meeting up in Las Vegas, I was thinking about and commented about the time my mom’s college friends flew in to help her manage my dad’s funeral. I said at the time that I didn’t feel ready to be that kind of friend, but I hoped I would be someday. In the last few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to be that friend, as have others in our peer group. We cried a lot together but we also give each other strength, and that is really precious and amazing.
Condolences on your loss, Bartender.
Did anyone else hear the StoryCorps piece on NPR this am? Jesus God. It just feels like things will never improve, but I still hope for better.
Today’s the 10 year anniversary of my becoming homeless. Weirdly, I am once again between places with no prospects, so, not a great way to spend it. But I finally secured a dental appointment for Monday, and am going to figure out lots of lukewarm and untextured delicacies to eat between now and then. Lets hope the patient can be saved.
Sending good thoughts your way – stay safe. And enjoy the dentist if that is remotely possible.
Thank you! Would have said so sooner but my browser caught the vapors and went down for the day. Hoping to save the tooth or build a house from the remaining shards if it’s a goner.
I don’t post here often — my brower/settings/something hates intensedebate for whatever reason, I always get logged out — but I do read almost daily and love Toastie Twitter (chick w/blue hair and cat, @jesslemke, if you wanna follow!). And in the midst of the debacle that is this week, just wanted to say how thankful I am for this community – the big & small expressions of support that happen daily, the jokes and rallying cries and openness and venting and selfie compliments and lip gloss recommendations …even when I’m not involved, just makes me feel good and hopeful, no small feat these days.
And on that note, as someone who has struggled with severe depression for the past year and a half, including a hospital stint last year — eek, hard for me to say that — please feel free to get in touch w/me if you need someone to talk to about this stuff. I’m trying to be more open, even when I don’t wanna, because it helps. And if you have not yet read the amazing Allie Brosh’s posts on her experience with depression, I highly recommend Depression Part 2 — I think that, more than anything I’ve read, it accurately conveys some of the absurdity/difficulty of the condition as well as the difficulty depressed people have in interacting with family and friends and vice versa. I know several of my non-depressed friends have found it pretty helpful. Take care, all!
I’m just gonna ditto all of this. Glad we’re hooked up on Twitter (if it’s not clear, I’m @ragesinggoddess). Although just to warn you, I’m not checking the site for the nonce–hunkered down in Self-Care Mode–but I usually get notifications in my email.
Ohhh I have seen you around the Twitter but we don’t follow each other! I’m @ediehan!
Oh yay! I’m a little bit of a twitter weirdo, fair warning.
Aren’t we all, though??? 😉
What polka_stripes said: all Toastfolk are weirdos. And I would not have it any other way. I love all you weirdos!
<3<3<3
Not sure if you’ll see this, but I have just started seeing a therapist (A Man… but he is married to A Man also, so I thought it might be ok), and I am not sure he is going to work out. Do you have any advice about finding a good therapist? I saw a good one in college but that was by happenstance since my college’s center just assigns them.
Most of today’s therapists have a bio online. The present their philosophy and experience in a nutshell. Though I am straight, white, and cis-gendered, I aim for therapists who mention experience with the queer community. It improves the odds they will be more aligned with Toast-like stances, certainly more likely to be nonjudgmental.
So, Toast people, I have joined the Tumblr. I am trying to keep it somewhat separate from the rest of my public persona, because I pretty much want to use it like a Pinterest for animated .gifs and I anticipate unprofessional levels of smacktalk, fannishness, and prurience.
I am taking recommendations for excellent Tumblrs to follow, including your own if you wish to share. I am currently following some friends, That Bad Advice, a handful of Life in __ Publishing blogs, and a couple of video-game related things.
There are probably many more things missing from my life, but most certainly among them are more .gifs from and comics about the Mass Effect and Marvel universes.
i watch this with keen interest (my tumblr is rubeseatsinfo.tumblr.com, and i will hecka add you if you post yours)
One of the first things I saw on your feed was Urbz. FOLLOWED.
I highly suggest installing Tumblr Savior. You can blacklist keywords so that the posts that contain them are collapsed (but you can still click them to open them up if you so choose). This is how I keep my dash a place of comfort and fun rather than triggering horror, while still following people who have Opinions and Thoughts about things that trigger me.
For art and fandom (particularly Marvel), I highly recommend flatbear and her wife marchingjaybird. The Mary Sue has a pretty good tumblr as well.
(Oh also, I am adventuresinjoyland–hence my name here!)
Thanks!
I’ve been enjoying the content on http://manfeels-park.tumblr.com/ and http://backstoryradio.tumblr.com/ lately. Also the Mass Effect fantart tag is trove of beautiful treasures, some of which I post on my tumblr (ghostadventuretime, which isn’t a proper tumblr so much as my reblogging stuff I like, indiscriminately.)
I’m so glad you mentioned manfeels park! I have seen it around the internet but I didn’t realize it was a Tumblr and now my life is so much richer and fuller.
I second manfeels park. If you want to hate men, straightwhiteboystexting is fabulous.
(also if you like Shakespeare, mine is shakespearemonologues, but I warn you — it’s really pretty much 100% Shakespeare.)
I am into that. Bringeth it.
How much do I love That Bad Advice. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I get a lot of gifs from http://fuckyeahreactions.tumblr.com/.
I love laughterkey.tumblr.com. She’s funny and fun.
Mine is linked in my profile here. 🙂
Medieval POC, Academic Men Explain Things to Me (but it hasn’t been updated since 10/13 so is probably defunct?), and Escher Girls.
I can’t remember the exact title but “wicked girls saving ourselves” has beautiful fan art and some funny cartoons.
I have also recently joined tumblr! And I am having so much fun.
But none of you get the address because it is filthy. Soo filthy.
I am going to need to start a secondary tumblr now, so I can interact with friends and other people who are probably not perverts
My favourite is lgbtlaughs. Never fails to crack me up.
If into kitten gifs and pictures of teacups, with occasional outbursts of 18th century gothic novels, I’m oulfis on tumblr.
I joined, too! I take pic of celebs and juxtapose them with bits of Pinter plays. It’s called Celebrity Pinter. I couldn’t think of a better title.
I will check all yours too!
I burst into tears yesterday when my boyfriend told me his younger brother bought his girlfriend an engagement ring. Turns out I have not been taking all the recent marriages of ex-boyfriends and people who left long term relationships, found new people, and then married the new people all within the span of my relationship as well as I had thought.
people who left long term relationships, found new people, and then married the new people all within the span of my relationship
Oh man, I feel you. In the span of time my boyfriend and I have been together, we’ve had a friend starting dating a guy, divorce him, and is now married again. For almost a year now. I am here for you!
Do you think it means that you want to get married on a different timeline than is currently in discussion? Is there currently a discussion? Do you want there to be a discussion?
Yes, we have now had a discussion and A Course Has Been Set. Apparently I was trying to play it a little too cool and he genuinely thought that it was not something that was currently on my radar and it was all in the nebulous realm of “someday.”
I’m starting coming off Seroquel this week. Seroquel is an anti-psychotic which has nasty side effects, including massive weight gain and diabetes. It’s very difficult to get off of it. I was diagnosed pre-diabetic a few weeks ago, and made the decision to go off. All week, all I’ve been doing is dealing with the withdrawal symptoms, and I’ve only cut down the dosage. I’m not OFF. I warned friends that I may become psychotic at a moment’s notice and to please tell me if I am.
Although I’m bipolar, I’m taking Seroquel mainly to sleep. I’m scared now that I’ll go back to sleeping 2 hours a day. Endless Midnight. But, I’m trying melatonin for the first time, and may take benadryl, although that drug makes me delightfully loopy in my head. But, what will shut down the chattering in my head when I’m off? I’ll have to give my brain a constant stream of topics to think about or the repetitive thoughts will drive me nuts.
I may start a blog, “Rants Of Celestine”. First topic, when bipolars goto heaven, do they go bipolar or do they go normal?
… That is a very interesting topic.
I’d want to go bipolar, but I’d want to be able to choose what mood I’d have for the day. Does heaven have days? If I’m manic and want to go shopping, can I? If I want to go shopping for a day, and heaven doesn’t have days, will I shop at every store in the world? Ahhh … list making, very important for heaven, I think re: order of stores. (LOL. Geez!)
Benydryl can be very useful, as long as it’s at a sub-clinical dose. Or at least for me, if I have a full dose it can actually keep me up. Half dose and I’m good. Helps me slow down.
The itching has started, so I do have to use the benadryl. Probably a good call on the sub-clinical dose. Less is more with some drugs, esp if I’m tempted to take more to end the endless *scratch*. (I have purple bruises from scratching, just waiting for my daughter to come home with the benadryl.)
I have so many Real Adult Problems in my life these days, but I keep fixating on the friend problem. Namely — that I have so few friends I really feel on equal footing with. There are a handful, and then there are people who gently or not so gently fend me off when I presume past an (always shifting) level of intimacy, or the people I’ve learned not to ask to accommodate me, with the message being “don’t think of us as equals.”
Right now some high school friends are planning a late birthday get together for a visiting friend, and the first person who offered to host lives an hour from the rest of us and with baby tending I know I can’t make it, but I also know from past experience there’s no use in me asking for accommodation, I just have to decline. The party’s date is also going to be right near MY birthday, but no one has remembered that.
And — it’s such a minor thing, I don’t even really care about going, but 15 years out of high school I keep finding this dynamic mirrored. The cool friend who always holds me at arm’s length and seems mildly offended if I presume we’re close. I know part of it must be me seeking that out, but I’ve also recently had what seemed an equal friendship turn into one where I’m constantly chasing and being rebuffed, and I just don’t know what it is about me that seems to engender this dynamic.
/vent
Sometimes it feels like friend problems are worse than relationship problems, because there are no social scripts for most friendship issues. It’s ‘only’ friendship, it ‘doesn’t really matter’. But it does matter, and it hurts when you get let down, and it’s hard to pick yourself back up and put yourself out there.
Focus on the friends that you can rely on, and treat yourself a bit – some icecream and crappy movies maybe?
Exactly! Like the friendship that’s gotten lopsided, I’ve thought of doing a “breakup” email to stop from having to overthink and worry about it all the time, but officially breaking it off with a friend is SO much more dramatic than a romantic partner. We expect most romantic/sexual relationships have an end date, but friendships are supposed to be “forever” or just, like, magically fade out in a way that everyone is fine with. And yes, usually that happens, especially with distance, but when you’re left hanging onto a friendship the other person doesn’t really seem to value anymore (or you’re the person who feels overwhelmed by a friend who won’t let go) there just aren’t any good ways to deal with it. Heaven forbid we TALK about it. 😉
I don’t think it’s you at all! Your expectations aren’t ridiculous and you deserve people who are enthusiastic about your friendship, and are willing to make you comfortable and happy because they like you. I find that some people like to keep their friends at arm’s length to make them feel sought after and popular. And some people have so many friends that they can’t really focus on anyone who isn’t right in front of them. Like, whoever is geographically closer is just default their best friend.
I’d tell you to dump them, but I know from experience how hard it is to make new friends. But is there someone in your group who does seem more open to something? Or maybe just take a break from them for a while and see if that gives you a new perspective on things?
Thank you! It’s hard not to take rejection-like messages as a referendum on one’s personal worth, even when I know 95% of the time people aren’t thinking of me nearly as much as they think they are (which somehow doesn’t feel much better…)I have been trying to reallocate my time and energy on friendships that are more equal and worthwhile, yes. Though I’m also feeling bad about one very close friendship I think I let languish too long (for many reasons); I’ve been recently trying to apologize and express my appreciation, but she’s already made some new close friends and is a little cooler than before, which, fair enough. It just has an O. Henry feel to it,
That doesn’t seem minor to me. It is very hard not being on parity with friends. And it sucks that they won’t ever take your needs into account about scheduling, especially when it is about your kids.
Have you talked to any of them about it and told them how you feel? I am learning that some of us often seem cold/withdrawn with people, and it is not because we do not like them, it is because some of the older people in here have really internalised that their emotions are just Too Much and so they try to stay held back all the time so they don’t overwhelm people. I am not saying anything like that is going on with your friends of course, but something might be going on *for them* so you could ask!
This particular group, it’s not worth it. Most of them are in acquaintance territory now, and we haven’t been close in years since I started pulling away after too much of this kind of thing. One of them was someone I had become very close to after collage, but distance and kid have made us drift away, and in the last couple years I’ve realized he doesn’t consider me a friend to make exceptions or special efforts for — if plans work, great, if not he has literally dozens of other friends to see.The friendship that’s gone lopsided, I have made some efforts to have more meta-level conversations about in email and they’re always met with laughing, brush off apologies. So either she’s being purposely obtuse or really doesn’t see what the big deal is, and in either case I can tell she doesn’t think our friendship is something worth working on. I don’t like the way I see myself through her eyes — too intense, too sensitive, too needy — but from that POV, no, it isn’t a friendship worth deepening or maintaining, so I’m just trying to figure out how to let it fade out so I can stop getting my feelings hurt.
“acquaintance territory”
Very good. I was starting to worry about you. But you have a handle on it. People who are not reliably there for you are not friends. They are acquaintances. And they have value, just not the value of friends.
My life improved dramatically when I moved 2,000 miles from where I grew up. I was forced to forged new friendships, forced to choose friends, rather than accept whoever had been in school with me.
I’m not saying you should move. I’m saying you might be ripe for a fresh start. Join a new team sport, or a knitting club, etc. Somewhere you know no one, where everyone is a stranger. It might be good for you.
But I trust you to know what’s best for you, including ignoring me when appropriate.
Oh, part of the problem is I’ve moved and shaken things up a lot, both geographically and just in my interests, so I have this lifelong trail of friendships. I’ve tried hard to hang onto the ones that lasted through the changes, and a lot of my socialization is done in online media fandom so those people don’t “go” anywhere, but you do lose touch when you change fandoms. I’ve just been feeling unhappy recently that, now the baby is a year old and I’m finally getting my head above water again, I’m seeing how many friendships have totally dissolved, and how even in some of the ones that have stayed I feel like the uneven partner, trying to keep some dignity and not chase after them.So this particular group of friends, no, I’m not taking it much to heart. But it feels like a good metaphor for where I’m at, socially.
I have a very similar problem, and my baby is also about a year old, incidentally. I’m an immigrant in a new country and am not near any childhood friends or previous adult life friends. I became somewhat close (at least I thought so?) with my PPD support group, and we continued to meet as friends weekly or sometimes more often after the program was over. Towards the end of their maternity leave year (I’m unemployed), the two I’d seen most often (like, at least once a week) as a threesome became very chummy with each other and kind of casual with me. When we did get together they were as kind and friendly with me as before if *they* initiated plans, but they’d be very maybe-I-will-and-maybe-I-won’t with plans that I initiated. And then they both seemed to disappear (maybe from each other too–I was just at an event hosted by one and the other wasn’t there). I did the Captain Awkward thing and didn’t continue to pursue them because they were clearly not pursuing me, but it feels like a) I’m not supposed to take initiative, only they are; and b) the rules sort of shifted under my feet like sand, and I went from being in a sort of reasonably inner-like circle into an outer one without knowing why, while they were still living it up in the inner one. My therapist swears up and down that I don’t present as socially awkward, and I don’t think now (as I might have in the past) that I did or said something to make them turn. But I have no idea what happened, if anything, and I feel like maybe there IS something about me. Or maybe they’re the most sophisticated, diabolical version of Mean Girls ever that give out disingenuous nice vibes (though I don’t think so). Or the way rallisaurus said that this kind of dynamic may make someone who facilitates it feel sought-after and popular. And then I saw a couple of old college friends recently (hi stonefruit!), and it was awesome and reminded me what I’m missing here. I don’t know–in my everyday life I’d just like not to have to wonder if I’m presuming or not in friendships where it SEEMS like everything’s going OK….It seems like far more of a challenge to find fellow mother-baby dyad friendships that really really work.
Oh, I hate both those things so so much — people getting together without you, and that feeling that you aren’t allowed to take the initiative in friendships. I have a friend who is usually very quick to email back and sometimes takes a long while, and I make myself grit my teeth and not send a second email because for some reason that’s not how our friendship works. That feeling of having to just be this statue waiting for people to come play with you sucks, and so does the sort of wincing “oh, sorry, we’re not really THAT close” air people will put on if you start trying to press to get together or for more intimacy as friends. And I have had friends start getting together without me so many times, it’s practically a trigger for me now; if I sense anything like that I overreact and start pulling away immediately to protect myself again.Arg, anyhow, I’m sorry stupid stuff is happening to you too, though since it involves other moms of young kids I’d cut them the tiniest bit of slack since things are probably chaotic. But I hope you find more Vulcan moms to hang out with!
Oh, yes–statue, exactly! One of them once contacted me, being like “hey, I’m in your area, wanna get together?” And then sometime later I was actually in her area and I did the same and she was like, “O…K?” And showed up, but acted like it was the oddest thing for me to ask and she was going to be polite about it. In my more paranoid moments, I sometimes wonder if I give out an aura of Poor Relation or something due to my upbringing. And then in many other friendships it’s so easy, with none of this crap, though they’re pretty much all long-distance now, sigh….I never send second emails either, but it’s funny though–if I got one from someone, I’d worry that they felt undervalued from my making them wait, LOL. Anyway, I hope you also find more like-minded people who don’t cause you to second guess yourself to hang out with!
Bartender, sorry about your friend. My condolences.
In the spirit of my worst (or perhaps most counterproductive) self, I have a question for any Toastie who would like to answer – is there anyone in grad school who actually enjoys it or is having an experience they would view positive or worthwhile? I’m thinking of applying to some (humanities based) PhD programs for next year, and while I know a few of my friends who are actually enjoying their programs, most of what I read about grad school seems to be along the lines of DO NOT GO TO IT IT IS A COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME YOU WILL EMERGE A BROKEN SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING, SCORNED BY ALL AND LOVED BY NONE, POOR FOREVER, A WRAITH OF REGRET. So! Your thoughts?
I went to grad school to become a rad librarian, and it netted me a great job and a ton of friends, but this is still kind of how i feel about it. It is, at its heart, a masochistic enterprise (as are Academia/Teaching as life tracks).
So, if you feel like you couldn’t do something else and be happy, or have a fab support system and no money worries for the foreseeable future, go for it. Otherwise I’d recommend maybe trying a part time program and seeing how it feels.
I loved my time in grad school. However.
1. Mine was fully funded with a stipend so money was not an issue. I mean, I was broke, but I didn’t have to pay my own tuition.
2. It was a small program I was well suited for.
That being said, it was extremely difficult. I was in an entirely new province and didn’t know a soul, and was straight out of undergrad. I think the biggest thing is that entering into a humanities PhD program is that it can severely curtail your work opportunities in the future. The regrets that I have surrounding grad school were that I didn’t work beforehand to gain experience, and honestly, my degree has not helped me get any jobs or anything. The academic world is so cutthroat and so painful and so brain-suckingly awful in terms of job prospects that it is REALLY difficult to encourage others to go forth in good conscience. So while I liked my experience, I don’t generally encourage others to go to grad school, as many people I know see it as a band-aid to avoid work or to give them what they think will be a leg up. (Or are like me, and did it because they had no fucking idea what to do after undergrad and had no internships or job prospects or anything, and were extremely stupid to have done so.)
The work is difficult, but if you’re considering applying to, you’re probably going to be OK with the work. But only do it if you’re FUNDED. Because if you’re good enough, someone will want you and someone will pay for you. Paying for your own PhD, unless you’re independently wealthy and doing it purely for the sake of learning, is a fool’s game. And be prepared that your relationships with your family/friends/partner will change, often drastically, because your requirements at school will demand a lot of you.
You can do it, I’m almost certain. But be prepared that you are doing it for the right reasons and you have a concrete future in mind besides “become a professor” because any grad student will tell you that is nearly a pipe dream now.
I just finished my first semester of a master’s program and am planning on applying to PhD programs once I finish. Mostly the stressful thing has been money and having to work on top of doing school stuff and research assistant stuff (many PhD programs in my field are funded and/or give living stipends, but almost no MA ones are).
On the other hand, I applied to grad school after working a year and a half in the most soul-crushingly boring job I’ve ever had, which had made me extremely unhappy. Being in a classroom again and getting to read and talk about things that interested me was a HUGE breath of fresh air after that.
The other thing to consider is, do you need to go to grad school in order to have the career options you want? In the field I’m going into, there are almost no halfway decent jobs for anyone without a master’s at last, so I pretty much took it as a given that I had to do this sooner or later. What are you hoping to do after completing the programs you’re thinking about?
I’m the graduate secretary at a Mid-western state university and I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who asks me about graduate school: Unless you like awake at night with a burning need to re-enter academia, don’t do it. It’s like choosing acting or writing or being a musician as a career. Unless you literally cannot live without doing so, I advise against it.
I went through all the pain of applying, got several offers, and turned on my heel at the last minute and took to the corporate world. EVERYONE in that world told me to leave academia if I could stand the thought of trying something else, so I did!
Best decision ever. I have more intellectual freedom now than I ever had in academe, the hours are sane, and the pay is ample.
So, what CleverManka said. GTFO if you can imagine yourself doing anything else.
The world outside Academia is wonderful. When I was making decisions about staying in Academia (as many of us do) in college, I was terrified of the world outside. Would I make friends? Would I get a job? Would I still have an intellectual life?
I totally did and do. I have amazing friends. I have a job I don’t hate (and a boss I love). I live in a place I like. My best beloved, who is a delight on all possible levels — despite being male, is in Academia, and worse, has a PhD in the humanities. He’s one of those poor souls who could not do anything else. However despite being reasonably respected and active in his field, published, blah blah blah… the academic job market doesn’t have a place for him beyond perma-adjunct. It is soul sucking and awful and poorly compensated. How poorly compensated? As a low level corporate drone, I make twice what he does, and I still spend substantial chunks of my leisure time reading.
This is probably not a life you want.
Don’t know about humanities. But I know a scientist with a PhD. His experience and skills allow him nearly endless choice. He is attractive to hiring managers in academia, in industry, in research. He can have a plum job anywhere he chooses. He chooses to alternate between industry (making good drugs for patients who need them and keeping the costs down) and research (find better, cheaper drugs for patients who need them). Academia is never going to be attractive to him. He saw it up close for 10 years working on his PhD. Nope.
Are you prone to depression or feelings of worthlessness at all? If so, academia is a very very difficult route to navigate.
Esp. If one is an adjunct.
I enjoyed grad school. I liked making friends. I liked talking about books. I liked studying for oral exams, which basically was a year spent reading books. I did not love dissertation-writing but I rocked it. I enjoy my current job as a full-time, but non-tenure-track, professor. I wouldn’t change those years. That said, I’m currently retraining for another career, since my job is temporary and the tenure track has not welcomed me in. Also, I hate the academic publishing world.
Good luck to you, whatever you choose.
Hey–I posted freaked-out suicidal-ideation-ness on yesterday’s thread, and I owe everyone the most enormous of thanks for commenting and countering the lying liar who lies and lives inside my head. I am much much better today, cooking & reading & D&Ding (our all-ladies party is meeting tonight, and I made ginger-mascarpone icebox cake!).
I am, however, in full-on self-care retreat from social media: FB, Tumblr, & Twitter are set to re-direct to Cute Overload. But I usually get Twitter notifications in my email, and I’m @ragesinggoddess if anyone needs support. I love you all!
I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling better today. I saw your post yesterday and didn’t get a chance to comment, but I’ve been thinking of you. I haven’t been on twitter this week much for mostly the same reasons–also dealing with Feelings about my sister leaving for college–but I hope you have a great and relaxing weekend!
You too, lady!
So relieved to hear you’re feeling better today.
That icebox cake sounds AMAZING.
Fingers crossed!
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend, Bartender.
This week has been good and lame. It’s the first week of my 30s, haaaaaaaay! Had an amazing birthday dinner and got basically a tennis-ball sized ferrero-rocher comped by a cute French waiter, so that was an A++++++
Alas, as I mentioned in an earlier comment, I also got drunk at my birthday pub drinks and got reasonably abusive towards my partner. I apologized to him the next day and he seemed to be ok with it, but I was reminded of it a few days later by his friend. I dunno, I just get really aggressive with pub quizzes, especially if I lose, and my poor husband bore the brunt of my quiz-hooliganism. Apparently I was trying my damnedest to slap the back of his head and sock him in the arm. The majority of the people there were his friends too, so I think they thought WTF? Anyway, that was pretty shameful.
Also, there’s a possibility we might be moving either to Ireland or (for me) back to the US from England for my partner’s job. I mean, I am totally up for adventure, and knew he would have to find something at the end of his PhD, but I finally feel settled here and have brewery plans, and the whole lot. The problem with his Ireland gig is that the post lasts 2 years, which is another 2 years I feel like I will be on hold from doing something professionally, esp with regard to brewing. If we move back to the US, I would be closer to my mom and family, and a bit better off with jobs than Ireland, but…I dunno. I know my own ambitions matter as much as his, but his will pay bills a lot better than mine will at present, which is pants.
tennis-ball sized ferrero-rocher UM YES PLZ SIGN ME UP. Happy belated!
Thanks garrrl! Yeah that is still the dessert of my dreams. I told my husband then and there, next time I’m having a hot-water-bottle-in-sweatpants kinda period day, I’m catching the hour-long train ride up to London to sit and drink nice cocktails, eat that chocolate hazelnut tennis ball and go back home by dinner time. It’s worth it.
I’m going out for a run even though I don’t want to and I would like a medal and/or a slice of cake. Harrumph.
I just did that and ugh was it a bitch to get through. Usually I get into it after 15 minutes on days I’m not feeling it at first, but today, not so much. I offer to you an imaginary slice of cake, in the shape of a medal.
Cheers to us! I usually hate running but enjoy having run. Some day, there’ll be a pill for that.
I haven’t gone running in FOREVER, fell off it this summer with everything else that was going on and haven’t gotten back to it. I have The Guilt. Let me know when the pill is in testing.
The good news is, in my experience only the first hundred runs back are unbearable, and then they become merely uncomfortable and unpleasant once more.
UGH I am currently on hour two of sitting on the couch procrastinating my run. I am a lump.
Go for the run! There’s imaginary cake afterwards.
I went soon after posting that comment! And you’re right! I ate aaaaaall the imaginary cake afterwards (mine was raspberry torte)
I’m sorry for your loss, Bartender. That hurts.
I’m counting my blessings and I’m happy this week is done.
Tell me what movies we should watch to cheer ourselves up.
P.S. Now whenever anyone says “go to your happy place”I think of The Toast. Yes, this is my happy place. Thank you for that.
It’s my happy place, too. I never had one before.
I hate my job, I think. I make $12 an hour, today my boss said something about jews controlling Hollywood, I left a brand-new copy of 1Q84 lying around yesterday and it disappeared. Which is extra-annoying when I remember that it cost more than I make an hour.
On the plus side, I read Adam by Ariel Schrag yesterday and thought it was pretty delightful. I wasn’t in love with some of the resolution of the main conflict, but the writing was absolutely hilarious.
Oh, I feel you. I make less than that an hour and my boss is also a monster and it kills me to look at my Master’s degree and go “Huh, that was a waste of time,” you know?
JOBS ARE TERRIBLE
If it makes you feel any better, I hate that book, so it’s possible you would have totally hated it too.
I had already read it. I was using it as reference for a review of his new book. Why did you hate it? I actually mostly liked it, but Murakami’s female characters are problematic, to say the least. I also realize that many people think that he’s not a great writer. And I feel like I am usually the type of person who gets annoyed by lackluster writing, but for some reason I still read his books and enjoy them.
I don’t find the writing overwhelmingly good, but it’s mostly the huge grossness of Tengo/Fuka-Eri and the cult, and what felt like including pedophilia in the book but trying to handwave it as “not really” pedophilia because of magic tiny weirdos.
Yeah, the pedophilia thing is INSANE. Weirdly, in “Adam” the book I mentioned earlier [DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T READ ADAM AND DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING], I felt really squicked out by how Schrag resolved the central conflict of Adam pretending to be trans and having sex with a woman who identified as a lesbian and thought he was trans. She (Schrag) has discussed it http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/07/ariel-schrags-une… and I get her explanation and enjoyed the book anyway. But it terrified me that someone might read the book and feel like just maybe that was an acceptable thing to do. However, I feel that it is a slightly different situation in that Schrag’s a lesbian, and so might have a more nuanced view of the difference between writing that as a story and that being okay in real life. Murakami’s not a young girl, and it does seem like he’s if nothing else endorsing the idea that underage girls are sexually attractive.
Hello open thread!
School has started! Both kids cried when I dropped them off again, but we are starting to get into the swing of things. Nobody is good at getting up at 6.15 in the morning which is about what we need to make sure both kids have a real breakfast and the lunch gets packed and we get packed and everything, but that’s fine, it is a work in process. Both kids are still on a short schedule, but starting on the 25th my daughter is in school until almost 3pm and I think I am going to add an hour to my son’s preschool schedule and then we will have 9am-2.30pm free 3 days a week, and that will be VERY lovely.
I am at a cafe eating a grilled pork sandwich (with the cilantro carefully removed) and drinking hot vietnamese coffee and we have a stack of like 10 books we are trying to finish, and I am delighted to get to be in the open thread after the last few weeks of kid-related craziness!
Bryn! I think I may have sent you a gift in the toast-card exchange, if you participated. I wanted it to be a surprise, but then I have realized since that getting a surprise package from Canada may not be everyone’s idea of a good time. If you’re the Bryn (Nature Related Second Name) that signed up for the toast post, then there is a used book coming your way. And if you’re not that Bryn, then I’m sorry! Carry on with all of the books you’re trying to finish already 🙂
Yes!!!!!!
Um, that is, yes, you did send me a gift in the mail and when I got it I shrieked and almost fell over and my daughter was like ‘Mommy, what IS IT? Oh is it a BOOK can you READ it to me?’
That was just lovely, both the book itself and that you remembered I was interested in it and sent it to me, I was really happily overwhelmed. And I am so glad you posted here because I am not at home so I could not remember your username to tell you how pleased I was.
Nature-related last name! I had you too!!!! Yay, I was hoping it was you. 😀
Toast poooooosttt <3<3<3 I love Toasties so much
*giggles* Oh and I have to say, getting a surprise package from ANYWHERE is my idea of a good time. 🙂
Guys, not sure what to do. I posted yesterday about having a rough week. I lost someone I loved, and at first I was alternating between pain and denial. I currently have tons of things I have to do (for my own survival–like money stuff, and work) but I feel so numb. No more urgency, no anxiety. Just total cold, numbness. What do I do about this? I don’t like being numb, and it’s not a feeling I seek out. I think it’s something that my mind/body does for me. Does anyone know how to counteract this? I feel blank, and I know it’s a protective thing, but I have to pull myself together enough to care about work, because otherwise I can’t eat.
I am so sorry for your loss. Having lost someone I loved very much, many years ago, what helped me get through it was just accepting that I felt what I felt, and that I didn’t feel what I didn’t feel. If you’re numb for a while, that’s ok. It will break, and come back, and circle around. Grief, in my experience, doesn’t have a clear-cut trajectory. Sometimes I just had to listen to my body, did what I had to for it to get through the day, and eventually my heart/brain caught up.
Do you have people to help you? Do you have a time in the future when you can just rest and let yourself feel without having to deal with any non-grief related pressures? Sometimes I think the pain when the numbness lifts is almost harder than when I first felt it, and it was so important to be able to have support around me so I could just FEEL when I finally had the space and time to do so.
Thank you. For the moment I’m in a place where I have to do a lot of work before September, and survival is kind of an issue, which sucks. I might see some friends tomorrow, and they’d be fine (probably) if I was just like “let’s be low-key, I’m sad.” I
You’re right about the pain being intense after numbness. I am not sure which is worse, but right now the numbness is over everything, making it hard to care about things like work. (If that makes sense.) Like I can’t care enough to survive. I will see my shrink when I am back in town, in September. Til then, though, who knows.
I am stealing the keyboard from Bryn to type, because I understand this feeling very well. I do not know you enough to suggest what will work for you, but for myself, moving in the body, outside, is a start. It is hard to be present, but I think that is the opposite of numbness, presence. So to go outside and walk and look around and breathe and every time my mind tries to go into the spin of words, trying to bring myself back to just being outside in my body walking.
Bryn says: Websearch on mindfulness meditation, yes I know, it might sound like total nonsense, but the numbness is a kind of dissociation, and mindfulness meditation is the opposite of dissociation, which is what Cass was trying to say. 🙂 And maybe you can ask one of those friends to keep you company while you do some of the hard things, like money stuff and eating? When we go frozen like that if there is someone else there with us it is easier to do the survival things.
We are all very sorry for your loss.
Thank you Bryn and Cass. I really appreciate it. I’ve actually done a Mindfulness Meditation course in the context of GAD, and it was really helpful. I’m going on a nature walk tomorrow (god willing–the weather here is kind of crap) so that will be a good time to really be present. We’ll see what my friends say and if they make it up tomorrow, but maybe I can do a few things with them. Otherwise, I will see if someone else I know here can help out for company, or maybe I will ask if I can work in a friend’s office with her, though on separate projects.
In case you need the extra reminder (and I always do, but feel free to ignore me)… I never regret a nature walk, even if it is in the nastiest weather, it always makes things a little bit better and realer and gives me some space to breathe. But it sure is tough to go do when things are gray. Good luck, toastie, we’re all thinking of you!
Good point! I might take a more restrained one, since I’m in a mountainous area and going on a naturewalk in the rain sometimes can be….unwise. (But dangerously fun?!) I will put on my poncho and hoodie and walk into town, worst case scenario.
I will keep my fingers crossed for the better weather for your walk, and I invite you to come back here and tell us how it was, after, because we would certainly like to know.
Thanks, guys! I will do!
I am so sorry for your loss.
If it’s only been a week or two, I’d say you are doing really well by just getting on the keyboard and asking for support. Everyone already had good things to say, so I’ll just add my condolences and I hope you have someone in person with whom you can just sit and grieve.
Thank you. I’ll call a friend I have and see what she’s doing Sunday. Possibly hanging out with me? I just don’t want to be around anyone too high-maintenance at the moment. So tired.
Are you a list person? I am. Prioritizing is what you need when you are numb. Like, amanita said, decide what are the minimum accomplishments for the day and think no further. Be brutal about “minimum”. So many thing we think we must do really can wait. Be gentle with yourself by doing first (or only, if it’s that kind of day) the absolute minimum. You know, if you’re not leaving the house, you really can skip taking a shower. Just brush your teeth and call the day’s grooming complete. It’s OK to be numb. It will pass. Be kind to yourself.
Yes, I AM. This is a good point. I just emailed my boss with a list of projects and when I wanted them done (well, vaguely). I will add on to that list to include some freelance projects, etc.
I need to be better about saving up money for moving house soonishly. Have any of you had success with a particular method of not frittering away money in the present in order to have some in the future?
Do you have a separate account you can put the special moving money into? I’ve never saved money for any responsible reasons, but being able to see the balance go up motivates me to choose the savings account rather than the dinner out. Sorry if that’s super basic and unhelpful!
Also, having a picture or commitment to the happy new place you are saving for, something concrete you can bring to mind to weigh against whatever current impulse presents itself, rather than a vague future, helps me a lot.
I’ve closed everything except my main account, but I guess I could see about opening one again?
I do have an Excel sheet I try to keep up to date with what has to go out vs what is coming in, but of course it’s not in my head so when I’m in the bookstore, I just think wheeeeeee I need this book, not, gee, maybe I should save the $15 and do this later. I have always been terrible with money.
We have just started using YNAB budgeting software, which is awesome, and gave us a 30 day free trial so we did not have to spend money on it. It has changed the way we think about money which is a stupid cliche, but it really has, and the way it has changed my brain makes it easier to save!
Automatic transfers to saving account on payday.
This is by far my favorite method! Pick an amount you can reliably put away every paycheck (be it $10 or $500) and send it straight to a savings account. You can always increase the deposit if you find you aren’t missing the money, but it doesn’t work very well if you constantly have to make withdrawals to meet your basic expenses. I’ve had decent luck with a savings account tied to my main account and an automatic transfer every payday, but my mom has gone to the length of setting up individual accounts with a credit union for the mortgage and car payments that are funded by portioning out her direct deposit and then pay the creditors automatically. She also made it so that she has to physically go to the credit union to make any changes or withdrawals.
Good luck with the new place!
Finished my first week on anti-depressants (mainly for anxiety). My hands are shaking WORSE and my chest feels tight. But my mood is better? Yeesh.
Going on vacation with my mom next week, I’m probably a bit nervous about that. But my god. My hands. My breath.
Maybe meditation will help?
Oof. Here’s hoping that the adverse things work themselves out/get worked out soon. But your mood is better!
Are you able to talk to your prescriber about this? Oftentimes they can either fiddle with the dose or use your side effects to find you a drug that will make you shake less but also help your mood and anxiety.
Dealing with psych drugs is such a crap shoot, I wish you the best!!
I found that it took me a while to get used to my anti-depressants, like a couple of months. I ended up needing a higher dosage.
Could be that you’re not on the right sort of meds for you.
Best of luck!
Do talk to them about shaking. I had a horrible reaction to the first anti-depressants they put me on, and they immediately switched me to something else that is GLORIOUS (except for the way that, six years later, I appear to be developing a tolerance, but that’s a later problem). Do not put up with feeling bad.
My Beloved has been in the pharmaceutical arena a long time. There are sooooo many drugs. That means there are always other options. Lots of them. Give your prescriber a chance to try a different one, or supplement with balancing drug.
My boss sent me an email out of nowhere asking me to save questions for her for our weekly 1:1 meetings and to stop interrupting. She’s canceled those meetings for seven straight weeks. I only bring stuff to her when her authorization is required (required according to her). It’s typically once a week, and takes < 15 minutes. Is she fucking kidding me with this??
That is CRAZY.
I love you.
Be like “Are you sure you meant to send this to me? We haven’t had a 1:1 for seven weeks.”
Sorry, I was a little unclear in my rage. I mean I drop by her office unscheduled once a week, which typically takes < 15 minutes. The 1:1 is theoretically an hour, but like I said, that last happened in June. I don’t like stalking her calendar and dropping by without notice either, but there are time-sensitive things I can’t do without her approval.
No, you were clear. I suggested obliviousness as a way to mitigate the way that she seems to think she doesn’t need to make time for you at all, which is clearly not the case.
I think you should specify that there either needs to be a scheduled meeting (without cancellations) where these things can be discussed, OR she needs to make herself available on short notice for time-sensitive things (preferably the latter, I bet?).
If you can engage her in a discussion, tell her that the 1:1s don’t need to be a full hour (if she’s in a crunch), since you’ve calculated you only need fifteen minutes of her time in an average week. Make it analytical rather than emotional.
An unrelated thought: I am so, so glad that we have adopted the term “Toasties” to collectively refer to ourselves and not “Toasters.” I’m a relatively recent addition, so I don’t know if this was something that was ever discussed – but good job, everyone!
It sounds so cosy!
This is me, wishing for a snuggly lap blanket with the logo & “Toastie” on it.
Agreed! Aside from anything else, “Toasters” sounds extremely dudely.
Toasters is an epithet from Battlestar Galactica. Many of us Toasties are fans, so we would never agree to Toasters.
I got diagnosed with inattentive-type Adult ADD about two weeks ago, and started on Concerta, and all of a sudden I can focus on boring work tasks for more than six minutes, and I’m getting twice as much done.
I asked my psych, how come nobody ever caught this before?? And she said, bright girls who stare out windows and daydream are the quintessential underdiagnosed population. I was always told “if only you would apply yourself” and “how do you have a perfect test score but only turned in half your homework and therefore have a C average in this class?” or my favorite “if only you lived up to your potential.”
By law school I had developed enough coping techniques that I came through with a decent gpa and passed the bar on the first try.
But yeah. My issues were masked and overlooked because they fell into acceptable behavior for girls. That’s pretty sad.
Thanks for sharing- glad that you are having good experiences with Concerta! I wonder about this for myself, and for several like-minded and behaviored female friends.
(I typed this response, went and answered three blinking gchats, briefly thought about filing a stack of 15 envelopes, idly stared at a coworker, and THEN decided to come back and submit).
You and I share a brain.
Sometimes I will tell myself “ok, you need to respond to that email”, then I have a Dug from Up “squirrel!” moment, then I have the horrible feeling that there’s something I need to do, but damned if I can remember it. Then about two hours from then I will go “oh shit, that email!”
I think it’s worth investigating. Even if you don’t go the medication route, I’ve read some useful things about dealing with the inattentive brain that have helped.
I’m so glad it’s working out for you! Can I ask — did you have an easy time finding someone to diagnose you? I’m insured, but I can’t find anyone who takes my insurance and also treats adults with ADHD. (I don’t know if that’s me, but I found out recently that pretty much everyone in my biological family has it, and I fit the symptoms exactly, so I’d like it checked out.)
My diagnosis came about in an indirect manner. I’ve been seeing my psych for several years for my major depressive disorder and some food issues. Once we got my depression handled, we then figured out that my extreme exhaustion and a lot of my food problems are due to a thyroid autoimmune disorder (for which I now see an endocrinologist). THEN, having gotten my depression properly medicated and my thyroiditis under control we started exploring how I feel like I can never be good enough or competent enough at handling my life. It feels like I have my hands full of marbles, and I can never keep all the marbles in my hands at the same time, and if only I were a better person, things would come easier to me and I wouldn’t be such an incompetent loser.
I was explaining this to her and she all of a sudden stopped me and said “I have some questions to ask you.” Basically she gave me an assessment and decided to try me out on the Concerta.
So that was a fairly easy way to get diagnosed, and also not super helpful for you. Have you considered just going to a regular psychiatrist, one who doesn’t specifically treat ADD and see if they can help you? My doctor actually specializes in treating addiction, but didn’t have a problem diagnosing and treating me for ADD.
Even sadder? You’re the third woman I’ve heard tell nearly this exact same story.
I’m glad you finally got a diagnosis and a solution that works for you!
No shit, really?? That’s both incredible and yet at the same time, not surprising. Squeaky wheels get attention, good girls who want teachers to like them don’t.
Hi there! I also have attention issues – I talked to a pysch about it and did some preliminary diagnostics, but I don’t fully fit the criteria. Like you, I’ve developed enough coping skills that I get through life OK and with decent grades and success and etc, but I really wish this had been brought up as a possibility sooner and I could have developed those coping skills younger. There are a few things I think I really would have excelled at if it didn’t take “this is college, your last chance to use academics to propel you forward in life, GET A GOOD GRADE DAMNIT” to finally get me to concentrate on mundane stuff :/
I’m someone who fits this type, and I’ve got a friend who’s been having some success on ADHD meds, but I always get stuck on one thing — I could buckle down and do all the things I need to do, I just don’t want to. So I never feel like I can attribute my problems to anything but massive anxiety, avoidance, and self-esteem issues.
(Sadly law school is where my coping mechanisms were tested and it all fell apart for me. I also didn’t realize that just because I crammed every final didn’t mean I could cram a three day bar exam.)
I had a similar experience, and for a long time felt like it must be just my lack of self control, or the effects of over-interneting or whatever… and in fairness, I don’t think these things helped. But eventually I realized that I had been doing that shit since I was a toddler. Anyhow, I spent about 2 years on meds, and while I saw concrete positive changes, I ultimately felt that some of the side effects (not physical) outweighed the benefits. I’m happy to hear they worked for you, though… I know at least one other person whose quality of life improved tremendously once they started on their medication. I do wish there was a little more reliable and practical info available on the various ways the meds can help, which extends beyond the obvious ways, like studying or driving, as well as the possible negative aspects, which are similarly non-obvious, or at least they were to me. (I’m happy to chat w/anyone about my experience, and also know a good doc in the DC/NoVA area, if those of you looking happen to be in that area.)
Side note: NYT had a recent article about allowing your brain to reboot in between productivity sessions…was kinda interesting…though some days I think my brain has the inverse– spurts of productivity injected into long stretches of daydreaming.
I already posted, but: anyone else have serious problems with indecision? I know everyone says “oh I’m awful at making decisions” but I feel like it’s significantly affecting my life, like I can’t mentally/emotionally commit to ANYTHING because I can’t stop thinking about other possibilities. It’s obviously been a huge problem with relationships, but also with jobs, living situations, &c… There are so many what ifs! But I hate it. I don’t want to think “what if” — I want to actually just pick something and experience it. I can do that logistically, but something in my mind never clicks.
Anyone else? Haaalp.
You sound like a classic Myers-Briggs P-type who likes things to be open-ended and gets really really stressed out when things are fixed/closed/solid. So I am /sure/ there are other people out there who are in this situation, and maybe some websearching on that would be a place to start finding strategies?
The not-experiencing part sounds like trouble being present in the moment so… have you ever tried mindfulness meditation? (I know we are saying that to a lot of different people, it is so hard walking the line between finding something that works for us & the hammer that makes everything look like a nail.)
What has helped me is to keep reminding myself that options aren’t ranked, i.e. one choice isn’t necessarily better than others. Given a choice between three things, EACH of them might be equally great. In fact, the harder the choice is to make the higher the chance that whatever you choose will be a good choice.
Yes. YESSSSS. Its such a problem for me, and I’m also completely amazed by (and jealous of, TBH) people that can live their life without regret. But I feel that, unlike a lot of people, I actually DO regret some things I’ve done or not done, and that contributes somewhat to the fear around making the wrong decision. The whole “MAKE your decision the right decision” thing…thats what I wanna do! Just choose something and never look back.
Recently was discussing this with a friend, who has similar issues, and she recommended a book – “Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman (sp?). Anyhow, haven’t read it yet but plan to…maybe helpful for you? In any case, its nice to know there are kindred indecisive spirits out there…
Bartender, I’m sorry about your friend. That Titian pieta is amazing.
I’ve been lurking here for months and have never screwed up the gumption to actually create an account and post until now, and also pesky work keeps me from reading until the evenings most days, but I wanted to say Thanks Toast for being here! The comments on this site give me the sense that my people are out there somewhere — a thing I very much appreciate as a person still kinda isolated even though I’ve been living in a new place for a year now and it’s no longer that new.
And I’m especially grateful you’ve been posting things about Ferguson this week. I’m in another part of MO, hearing about what’s happened (and slow state/national response) with rage I can’t even express.
That’s exactly how I feel about de-lurking (though I started posting a few months ago and am very sporadic). I still just feel happy that there are other people in the world like me.
this week my personal trainer made me do the “slam” in “the battle room.” what does that mean? wouldn’t you like to know. I am not happy even so, cause I told him from the get-go that I was interested in building upper body strength, but he tricked me somehow into using my lower body and now I can’t walk down stairs anymore or sit on things or get out of bed.
and I do not like clever “creative” uses of equipment such as balancing on the bouncy ball to do presses, it is beneath my dignity
also cancer is still cancering it up in my mother’s pancreas. cancer is just consistently its best self. pretty impressive.
[sorry for the sudden tonal shift, that is my worst self coming out.]
I wish cancer’s best self wasn’t such a total asshole. 🙁
<3 I’m sorry that cancer is being its best self. Cancer is an asshole. Cancer posts subtweets about clean eating. Jerk cancer.
oh well, I mean, if it were a person who tried that hard and never ever gave up I think we would all be impressed. you can’t deny it is good at what it does.
also it has so far failed to kill my mom either 1. on my birthday or 2. on the exact 30th anniversary of my father’s death (from cancer), one or the other of which I was pretty much expecting. so, cancer has failed at dramatic irony and can feel bad about itself.
Cancer can go fuck itself with a hammer, really.
Heartily seconded! I was going to say “fuck cancer” but this is just so much more eloquent.
My personal week was actually going quite well, right up until dinner time yesterday, when my digestive tract decided to be empty. I’ve spent what was supposed to be my third day back at work trying not to barf on my baby (successful) or shit myself (somewhat less successful). Can’t tell if I ate something wrong, or just listened to too much news.
Sorry you’re sick. It’s OK if you accidentally barf on the baby, though. The baby has done / will do the same to you. Please tell me you can keep clear fluids down. Don’t get dehydrated. Emergency rooms are the worst on weekends.
Yeah mean, I feel like “tit for tat” has never been more appropriate.
I’m so sorry you’re sick, lemonadefish.
I accidentally scraped a car with my car in our building’s visitor parking area (our underground parking is closed for the day) and even though I left a note with our phone number, I still feel incredibly guilty and have the fear-sweats that they will call and yell at me. At least the car was ~15 years old and had a few other scrapes (I would have felt a shade worse if it had been a brand-new fancy car), but still. I feel rotten.
Deepest condolences, Bartender.
Toasties, I moved to Boston this week. Perhaps more accurately, I’m living with my grandmother in the suburbs in a situation that I desperately hope will be very temporary. I’m looking at apartments (which she’s not happy about) that I may or may not be able to afford. I had two job interviews, one of which I very badly want. I’m beginning to despair, from the “oh god no one will ever hire me” to the “I have no friends I’ll have to hang out with my difficult grandmother forever”. On top of the general bullshit of the world this week, I’m done. I’d love some reassuring words and/or some suggestions for mindless media to consume as self care. <3
I have been trying to reply to you for 20 minutes and the stupid commenting system is broken.
Aaaaand, I’m not sure what PART of my comment is causing it not to post, so, in tiny segments: Welcome to Boston! I’m sorry it’s not the greatest circumstances for you right now, but I hope your job interviews go well.
If you’re anywhere near public transit, there’s tons to do around here, and if you’d rather stay in and watch TV, I highly recommend Orphan Black (sci-fi), The Fosters (every episode makes me cry, but usually in a heart-warming way?), Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (Australian 1920s Lady Detective), and I’ve been re-watching all of Leverage recently for criminal hijinks.
Also, I’m same name as here on Twitter and going clubbing in Cambridge tonight if you like dive bars and 1980s pop hits. Phoenix Landing on Mass Ave, in Central Square.
AUGH THAT IS LITERALLY EVERY SENTENCE I HAD IN MY ORIGINAL, SINGLE COMMENT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SYSTEM??? Maybe don’t find me on Twitter, I just bitched about the commenting system here for this ENTIRE TIME, I am terrible.
Awww thanks for persevering! I just followed you on Twitter (I’m @ej_baker). I’m holed-up hermit style for tonight, but thanks so much for the invite! I’m desperately in need of friends around here, so DM me if you feel like taking pity on a fellow Toastie sometime 🙂
There is a facebook group for Boston ToastPin, I think is the name… I have joined but have delurker’ed myself only this week, so I haven’t gone to anything. BUT Somerville Theatre is showing my fave ever movie, Clue, this weekend, and people are going, and it’s accessible via Red Line and some buses if you have T access. Welcome!
Bartender, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting the painting your friend studied so long.
Loss feels close this week. Loss feels like it’s creeping in from outside, with the terrible news of too many kinds, and crawling up inside, growing out of my own recent illness. I am spending a lot of energy telling myself that there is more than loss in this world. Just this past week, I’ve had doctors take care of me in crisis (one even cutting short a vacation to do it), friends and family sending gestures of love, a husband whom I had to kick out of my hospital room so he could get some rest and who walked back in the next morning hours earlier than I could have hoped but just at the moment that I wished most fervently to see his face. These things are in the world: they are real, they are powerful, and they are greater than all the loss that mounts up against them.
❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss, Bartender.
I also can’t cope with more news out of Ferguson. Just saw the livetweets from a witness living inside a nearby building where Michael Brown got shot. Can. Not. Cope.
Bartender, I’m so sorry about your friend. The painting is beautiful.
Toast, I just want to say thank you for being here this week, you all are an amazing crew. I hope everyone gets what they need this weekend.
I’m late to the thread! Can I host a Sick Parent(s) Pity Party on the FOT today?
My mom’s been really ill for the last two years, and it’s been pretty dicey for the last six months. She lives less than hour away from me, but I find I’ve become super avoidant of the situation and only drive out to see her once or twice a month although I feel like I ought to go every week. I also am overcome with feelings of guilt whenever I’m laughing or feeling happy or taking shots or making out with someone or going on vacation, like HOW CAN I EVEN DO THIS WHEN MY MOM IS SUFFERING/MAYBE DYING WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEE. I love her so much and we’ve always been close, but it’s been such a long, hard process with an uncertain future and I feel like I’ve just kind of emotionally disconnected from the Whole Thing.
Advice? Commiseration? Internet hugs?
Here are as many internet hugs as you would like!
As a mom (albeit a mom with very young kids), I think I would very much want my children to keep having a good full rich life, even if I was suffering. Because it would just hurt more to see them making themselves suffer too.
::hugs::
Twice a month is a very reasonable schedule. Once a month, were your mom not sick.
So, put it in your schedule at twice a month. Treat those visits like you would doctor appointments or meetings with your manager. That is, make them set in stone, a time you reserve and respect.
Next, create a routine to go with your visits to your mom. Plan enough time to pick up her favorite beverage and yours at the nearest coffee shop. Surprise her with a different pastry each time. Or stop for flowers at the grocery store on your way to her house.
After your visit, stop somewhere to treat yourself. Or schedule a night of shots at your favorite bar with your favorite people after each visit with Mom.
Once you have a routine you can commit to, you can relax. If you suddenly feel guilt while out with friends, you can remind yourself that you just saw mom a week ago and will see her again in another week. Then you can return your thoughts to the present and enjoy your friends.
I'[m sorry your mom is sick. ::more hugs::
So I just got a letter saying my student loan request had finally, FINALLY been processed…except that the loan period listed on the letter is only for this semester rather than for the entire school year, and it’s for an amount of money that I can’t make heads or tails of.
Like, I could understand if they decided to give me two separate loans for fall and spring semesters…except then I would expect the first half of it to be, you know, half of the total amount I’d requested. Instead, it’s about 75% of the total amount I asked for for the year, but it says it’s just for fall.
I am so confused and money stuff stresses me out so bad, and apparently the financial aid office is closed on Fridays so I will have the entire weekend to worry about it. 🙁
Stop worrying about what you cannot control. I know: easier said then done. It is natural to worry, just try not to. You will have what you need, one way or another. Would you feel better if you reached out to your network this weekend to ask about odd jobs?
This has been a shitty-horrible-no-good-week for everyone. I hope things will start looking up next week.
I work in St. Louis and live about an hour outside the city. Toasties, the amount of utter bullshit I have had to listen to spewing from the mouths of white privilege, both on facebook and from my coworkers. I am also white, but that doesn’t mean I agree with your sheltered viewpoints. Now that the cop’s name has been released there are people who are worried for his safety and think his name should have been kept secret. Maybe he should have thought of that before he shot an unarmed person? People are hanging on to any dumb excuse they can think of to justify the horrible wrongs that have played out this week. Maybe that is the only way they can align what has happened with their personal worldview. I don’t know, but I am sick of it. I just want to scream in their faces. “Wake the fuck up!”
Earlier this week my beloved cat of 14 years passed away. Sucks, he was the coolest cat (probably because he thought he was a dog). My birthday was yesterday, but I just didn’t feel like celebrating. But, the Toast has been my bright spot this week and this awesome community of level-headed users reminds me that there is good in the world. You all rock.
This is in no way related but i just moused over your username and OMG you have a float trip blog? You just reminded me of the good things about the state I used to live in, during a week that made it really hard to do that.
I am so sorry about your cat.
So sad about your cool cat. Let your birthday wait. Celebrate when you want to. Take your time.
Oh Bartender. I’m so sorry.
Can I… solicit advice from you, Toasties?
My beloved mother and my beloved manfriend and I all have this kind of vague plan to create a “family compound”, which really means my mom building a laneway house for her to live in and us moving into the “big house” if/when we have kids. The financial details are not yet worked out but basically that way the house could stay in the family because we would pay to keep it up and help my mom out so she doesn’t have to liquidate to retire, and we all live together and maintain sweet family connections. It’s a biggish city lot, so lots of room, but she would be a literal 24 second walk away. Also, it would allow us access to a house that we could NEVER afford because we live in Vancouver where real estate has become laughable. My mom bought 20 years ago, and I’m not kidding the house has more than quintupled in value since then. She’s a middle class lady in a millionaire’s house, now. It’s close to the beach, has a big yard, etc.
The thing is, I love my mom, but I also have a really hard time dealing with her sometimes. I grew up in a household of terrible communication and emotional terrorism, which culminated in a truly nasty divorce when I was 13. I have worked really hard to move past that and develop a different way to relate to people, especially my partner. But my mom has not. I don’t think she is an emotional terrorist, exactly… or, ok, I do. My dad had a huge role in what happened, and I do lay the blame mostly at his feet. But my mom is volatile, and can be immature and lash out and be vengeful when she feels hurt.
Also, it’s her house and kind of her baby. She loves to be generous, but I know her generosity often has its roots in controlling others. And so, if we move in, I’m worried that we would be at her mercy – it’s all good until we want something that she doesn’t want. And then… watch out. Even if we are contributing financially, I worry that it will always be my mom controlling us.
We had a HORRIBLE conversation about the plan this week that left me in lots of tears. It made me want to be like NOPE I’M OUT.
But I’m super sad about it, because I have been living in “intentional communities” of my making for big part of my adult life, and I feel like this is the next frontier. I really really really WANT to raise my kids in multi-generational home. I want to work to knit together a new way of having family, after growing up with all my remaining grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc in different countries. I want my sister to live there too. I want us all to have babies together.
I also feel like I’ve started to see this as a financial deus ex machina, because despite having good income, it’s mind-bogglingly hard to imagine just getting out of my student debt, much less ever being ever able to buy in my city. I mean, I know I’ll be out of debt soon – FIVE MORE YEARS. FIVE MORE YEARS. But buying a house? Like, never, not unless I make partner and work so hard I never see these fabled kids.
Anyway, I don’t know what road to take here.
What about some time with a family therapist to help facilitate conversations about this transition? It’s not exactly “therapy” but really, it is.
I think maybe we need therapy in any case?
Yeah, I was sort of thinking that you’d introduce it as something to do to have these conversations – and then it can just become something you do, whether you move forward with this or not.
Usually I try to give advice in a soft way with lots of room, but right now I am not going to do that.
Don’t do it. It is not worth it. If your mother is an emotional terrorist to you, she will probably be on to your future children, and you do not want to put them through that. And even if she is perfect and beautiful with those future kids, they will still have to watch their mother whom they love more than anything in the world being terrorised — or otherwise you are going to have to dedicate a lot of your time and energy (which you could be putting into living and growing and laughing and helping make a wonderful world for them) into hiding from them what your mother does to you.
She is not going to change or get better magically. She is who she is. I am sorry because I am sure it hurts a lot, but you deserve better.
There are lots of wonderful human beings out there in the world you can meet and make intentional planned communities with. Really! We are out here! You do not have to put up with an emotionally abusive parent to do it. My partner and I live with a fantastic housemate, and the three of us are raising the kids together, and one of my good friends lives a block away and she is an aunt to my kids, and another good friend lives 20m away by train and he is an uncle, and then some more good friends live a few hours away and they are the other aunt and uncle and their (teenage) kids have become unofficial cousins. It is doable.
Yes you are so right. I didn’t even bring up her drinking above.
I’m just saaaaad. And mad.
I get why you’d want this, but I agree with Bryn, it’s not a good idea. Don’t allow financial considerations to push you into a situation that it sounds like you already know is not going to work. Your mother hasn’t even put in the work to make you feel comfortable about it before it’s even started, when she wants it and is in a good mood, so what makes you think she will put any emotional work in once you’re there and it’s hard for you to leave so you’re stuck doing things her way? Find another way to make a family unit with people who are willing to put in the effort to make it work for everyone. In Vancouver, of all places, I’m sure you can do it. I know people doing it in that area, you just need to find them.
But you guuuuuuyyyys don’t you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this is my chance to heal my broken family! If I just martyr myself this way then I can fix the wrongs of the past! It will only take sacrificing my sanity to accomplish, and who care about little old me!
Aha I see you emotional patterns I SEE YOU.
Yeah, you and Bryn are right, I think, and I think I know this. I think we just have to wrap our minds around a new plan.
I am going to be very candid about one of my most shameful feelings right now: I feel really angry at my mom around money, I think. She loves to tell me how profligate my generation is, and that’s why we are broke. And she also likes to criticise her own mother for “running through” several fortunes. Well, my mom got lots of financial support when they were starting their family from my dad’s family, and her family. And it was at a time when they were making 20% on investments (HA HA HAAAAAAA). And my mom keeps re-doing her fucking kitchen with fancy granite and going to India and buying bases of prosecco. But she doesn’t have enough to retire.
And somehow all of this is part of it, which is a strong argument for DON’T DO IT.
You guys should hear my sweet boyfriend in all this.
“I think it could work! I really believe in family! But whatever you want, of course.”
I think I need to lay some of these horrible feelings more bare to him. That’ll scare him straight.
Yes. Boyfriend needs to hear from you with more detail. It will be good for both of you to talk about how your mom makes you feel.
You know you cannot live near her and be healthy. You know you are a better parent when you are free of your mom. I can see that you know all of this just by reading your posts.
You deserve to limit your exposure to unhealthy people. You deserve to reserve your time and energy for people and pursuits that help you be your best.
This is hard. All of it. I’m sorry. Be strong. Toastfolk are here for you.
I do not see anything shameful in your feelings about that. She is not being at all kind or generous about it, and of course you are furious.
She is, it really sounds like, using the money thing as a lever. It gives her power and she knows it and she likes having the power, so she keeps doing it. Maybe it is coming from a scared place where she is afraid of abandonment or maybe it is coming from somewhere colder or harsher, but whatever it is, when there is that big of a disconnect between what is really happening (trips to India, redoing kitchens) and the narrative about it (I can’t retire!), then there is some kind of power play happening.
I am truly very sorry it is like this. It would be a wonderful thing to have a good mother.
We have the same mom!
I would move in with her now that I have a little one. I’ve seen a whole new side of her since having a child: the good, which why I’m a neat person today , and the bad, which I can ameliorate when she’s not around.
Well it looks like a forest fire is gearing up to take out parts of the town east of me and knock out electricity and phones for the rest of us for up to a week. It seems like this week’s shittiness is extending into the weekend!
It’s nice of all this horrible news to distract us from coming apocalypses, isn’t it?
Apologies, I just found this but Clickhole has taken us all to the sea http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/time-i-spent-co…
Link just goes back to this page. 🙁
curses! try refreshing it? It works in both of my browsers. Alternately it’s “The Time I Spent On A Commercial Whaling Ship Totally Changed My Perspective On The World” under Blogs on the Clickhole site.
Warning: you might possibly want to prepare some tea and snacks before starting this read. Go to the bathroom as well.
Oh my god.
OH MY GOODNESS
I submitted a job application last week and it was roundly rejected without even an interview, despite the fact that I feel like I am very qualified for the position. They acknowledged that my skills and experience fit some of what they were looking for but said my qualifications weren’t “a perfect match.” I find myself surprisingly devastated, despite the fact that I have a fairly comfortable job and life right now. I think the whole process of putting my app (and digital resume thing) together and looking at what it would mean to take the new job (and move out of state, back to the Midwest where I went to college) made me realize that I just feel really stalled out right now – at work, in my life. Nothing’s bad, but nothing’s great and I don’t know what I’m moving toward. The new job sounded at least closer to something I might like to be doing and in a place I’d prefer to be (I think).
But the rejection without even an interview reminds me of my last job search, where literally the only interview I got is for the job I currently hold. Dozens of applications without even a response. Three years down the road with related (and just more) experience, I expected at least an interview. Part of what’s kept me in my current job is that lingering fear from the last job search – I don’t want to cruise along in something/someplace I’m not actually that happy, but goddam do I not want to go through all of that bullshit and rejection again if it’s not going to pay off in something more interesting/higher paying/in a more interest locale.
Alrighty. The frantic emotions that have been building all day are rambingly vented.
Job hunting is THE WORST. Ask A Manager is a great resource, if you’re not reading it already–she regularly reminds people that the job market is (still) flooded and companies get dozens to hundreds of applicants for every open position, so they can afford to be insanely picky. Basically it sucks to be us (hi! waving from the same boat).
I don’t have any advice here, just keep reminding myself that my lack of success in the job hunt isn’t reflective of my worth as a human person. It’s…difficult. Good luck, keep us updated?
That sounds like they had an internal candidate? Like, especially if it was a government job or another place where internal candidates who have already been doing the job get no preference; they never interview the qualified candidates because there is already someone who they want to hire, and damn the hiring procedures.
So sorry for your loss, Bartender.
I am so late to this thread but I ALSO got diagnosed as inattentive ADD as an adult (a few years ago– I was 23). My entire childhood was pretty much acing standardized tests but getting Cs because I never could do homework and read books under my desk in class. I developed coping skills early in high school and mostly held it together through college (partly because I was great at writing decent papers three hours before the deadline), and then, boom, employment, and oh, you have bosses that rely on you for shit every day and hold you accountable for every task? And the tasks are really boring and repetitive? And a computer full of the internet is right there? Whoops. The woman who diagnosed me called me a classic case, but I had never heard that it was even a thing before, for quiet girls to have ADD, because our collective mental image of someone with ADD is a hyperactive 10 year old boy. It sucked to feel so worthless, lazy and stupid for so many years.
I have a lot of Feelings about how girls and women are under-diagnosed re: the prevailing cultural winds telling us all that ADD is over-diagnosed and fake!
Philosophy Referee Hand Signals:
http://www.openculture.com/2014/08/philosophy-ref…
ON the same page, a link to The Monty Python Philosophy Football Match: Greeks vs. Germans
Thank you! Would have said so sooner but my browser caught the vapors and went down for the day. Hoping to save the tooth or build a house from the remaining shards if it's a goner.
Yes! I'm excited for everyone to participate!
yup!! glad to have you 🙂
Thank you, everyone. Truly.
My favourite is lgbtlaughs. Never fails to crack me up.
If into kitten gifs and pictures of teacups, with occasional outbursts of 18th century gothic novels, I'm oulfis on tumblr.
I didn't see you there, but it was so crowded and pretty hard to move around. I had a great time though. I hope you did too!
Oh, I hate both those things so so much — people getting together without you, and that feeling that you aren't allowed to take the initiative in friendships. I have a friend who is usually very quick to email back and sometimes takes a long while, and I make myself grit my teeth and not send a second email because for some reason that's not how our friendship works. That feeling of having to just be this statue waiting for people to come play with you sucks, and so does the sort of wincing “oh, sorry, we're not really THAT close” air people will put on if you start trying to press to get together or for more intimacy as friends. And I have had friends start getting together without me so many times, it's practically a trigger for me now; if I sense anything like that I overreact and start pulling away immediately to protect myself again.Arg, anyhow, I'm sorry stupid stuff is happening to you too, though since it involves other moms of young kids I'd cut them the tiniest bit of slack since things are probably chaotic. But I hope you find more Vulcan moms to hang out with!
OH it was so wonderful to see you! And meet your men, both of whom I greatly enjoyed.
sophia_h, I have not forgotten that I need to send you that job posting! I'm really sorry. I have been remarkably short of downtime (which I need for this, b/c I can't find the posting easily and need to search a bit) this summer. 🙁 but also :)?
I love your thoughts about ice cream, and I'll definitely be checking out those cookbooks. I hope the creme fraiche ice cream was amazing. 🙂