Previously in this series: Honoré de Balzac.
1. A king trusts you to post a letter that may or may not contain high treason.
2. Your friend picks up the handkerchief that your lady has dropped. You demand retribution for this disgusting act of betrayal.
3. You either have a kind, good-hearted father, who is devastated by your misdeeds, or you have a drunken, Napoleon-sympathizing father whom you killed in order to advance your political career. Hardly anyone seems to have a mother at all.
4. A grizzled old priest tunnels into your jail cell and spends eight years teaching you the finer points of political philosophy.
5. You stage a kidnapping in Venice to impress a fifteen-year-old.
6. You befriend a band of charming and loyal pirates.
7. You are richer than almost anyone else in Europe, and you choose to sleep on the floor instead of in your spectacular bed.
8. You change your name and grow some facial hair– you are now completely unrecognizable to all your old friends and acquaintances. Even your old fiancée is fooled by this impenetrable disguise.
9. On an average day, you fight five or ten duels, just to keep in the habit.
10. You can effortlessly manipulate the shipping market and make great heaps of money, all without raising or lowering your handsome dark eyebrows. This does not satisfy you.
11. In your youth, you had one bosom friend. You devote the better part of your adult life to making him miserable, and systematically stealing away everything he holds dear.
12. There might be a war on. You don’t much care who you’re fighting, so long as it gives you the opportunity to show off your new purple tabard.
13. You show up to your own housewarming party in a hot air balloon.
14. You are in love with a beautiful woman with white hands. She cries all the time.
15. Your cloak becomes tangled with another soldier’s on the street. You surmise that he must be an English spy.
16. You spy on a charming and beautiful lady in her bedchamber. She coughs. You take this as a sign of her undying devotion to you.
17. You twirl your mustache disdainfully, enchanted by your own wit.
18. You’ve run out of wine.
Tags: alexandre dumas, books, emily powers, how to tell what novel you’re in
You’ve got three duels scheduled for this afternoon, but were wise enough to schedule them an hour apart.
You have a BOMB-ASS MUSTACHE that attracts ALL THE LADIES.
Man, Dumas. Did you know he was trained in savate? Imagine that jolly old dude just straight up roundhousing someone for giving him shit while strolling down the Champs-Elysee.
18. You’ve run out of wine.
God, my entire life is a Dumas novel
The real test is not just whether you’ve run out of wine, but whether or not more wine is immediately accessible.
I know! I guess I’ll go hop in my balloon and get some more!
omg Cersei Lannister is totally living in a Dumas novel.
This is the whole plot of “The Count of Monte Cristo”
You change your name and grow some facial hair– you are now completely unrecognizable to all your old friends and acquaintances. Even your old fiancée is fooled by this impenetrable disguise.
In all fairness, she *was* the only one who *did* recognise him. And just by the sound of his voice, too. Fair’s fair 😉
I fucking love the d’Artagnan Romances. Quick, somebody ask me about my favorite scenes.
Tell me about your favorite scenes!
Well since you asked 😉
D’Artagnan narrowly avoids being stabbed after a night of passion. Escaping leaves him no time to get dressed, so he has to run across Paris wearing only a woman’s dressing gown. He arrives at one of the Musketeer’s homes, only to be laughed at.
Athos has an overly dramatic emotional breakdown (these guys are all drama llamas) and barricades himself in a cellar and drinks all the wine.
Aramis becomes a priest, and one of his sermons ends in him challenging a listener to a duel.
D’Artagnan and Porthos are imprisoned together. Paraphrased somewhat:
Porthos: Stop pacing. It’s interrupting my nap.
D’Artagnan: How can you be sleeping in the middle of the day? Don’t you realize we’ve been here for eighty-seven hours?
Porthos: If they serve us mutton one more time I’m going to start handing out beatdowns.
In the second book, Athos has adopted Raul, a young man who looks exactly like him. But Raul totally isn’t his son, biologically speaking. (Spoiler alert: yes he is.)
Cutting their hair for a disguise: “WE’RE HIDEOUS” “MY HEAD FEELS COLD”
These are all excellent! Also, I wish I could barricade myself in a cellar and drink all the wine. I wish I were doing that RIGHT NOW.
Please please please tell me “I’m going to start handing out beatdowns” is a direct quote please please…
It is not. Sorry to disappoint!
But their escape plan definitely involves a couple of beatdowns. So do a lot of their other plans throughout the books, which are awesome and you should totally read them.
Yes yes everyone read them violent yet well-meaning doofuses forever
“violent yet well-meaning doofuses”
Perfection.
So good at heart! So determined to solve all of life’s problems with a duel!
I need to re-read those …
The woman’s dressing gown scene: this is the only circumstance that moves Athos to address D’Artagnan as “du”. Because Athos.
The cellar scene: not only does he barricade himself in a cellar and drink all the wine, the owner of the cellar keeps giving him bread and meat through the door so as to not be accused of starving a gentleman, and Athos’s servant keeps lassoing stuff through the food-giving hatch out of the restaurant kitchen.
Also I love how basically everyone wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks “Now is a great time to wander the streets of Paris.” I used to think it was super contrived, but then I read about the whole before cheap light there was first sleep and second sleep and lying in bed with the family in the dark telling stories, and I realized that D’Artanan is getting something like twelve hours of shut-eye during the winter and now I think it is only MODERATELY contrived.
You’re talking about informal/formal modes of address? I read the English translation from Project Gutenberg (link because I never miss an opportunity to advertise them), so I would have missed out on that subtlety.
I’d forgotten the lassoing of food! Basically that entire episode with Athos in the cellar is ridiculous and I should read it again.
You forgot the time when two musketeers realize they can eavesdrop on some of the Cardinal’s men downstairs through a stovepipe… and then immediately get comfy chairs to sit down in while doing so, because they “love their ease”.
Also they have one of their servants eat a secret letter after they are done reading it, but give him a glass of wine afterwards to make up for it.
You show up to your own housewarming party in a hot air balloon.
Richard Branson, is that you?
19. your strategy for breaking out of jail involves seducing your jailer by pretending to be a devout Protestant… and it works
Well, a sexy, blonde devout Protestant. Who swoons seductively.
I read The Three Musketeers as a child (an abridged version, it turned out, but it was still hundreds of pages and complicated) and I had no idea what was going on. I have reread it lots, trying to get a better understanding, but I think where I fall down is understanding the mindset that results in situations like this: Your friend picks up the handkerchief that your lady has dropped. You demand retribution for this disgusting act of betrayal. What is everybody thinking?
At the time, Aramis and d’Artagnan were not actually acquainted. I think the problem was that Aramis was trying to hide the handkerchief from the men he was talking to, and d’Artagnan sort of butted in and insisted on drawing attention to the handkerchief, which made it very obvious that Aramis was having some sort of affair with the lady that he’d rather not have publicized.
I’m not sure I completely understand it either, but there you go.
Because Aramis was still going to be a priest, eventually, and the lady was slightly in exile. Slightly.
Ah, that makes sense. I wound up skimming the political discussions in those books because swordplay is much more interesting. I should do some googling and see if there’s an annotated companion or something that would explain references I’m missing. I never did figure out how the currency worked, just that they were constantly scheming to get more of it.
Hi, no really get the real unabridged version and just read every word. Don’t get too hung up on stuff your don’t understand and Google the historic (political) stuff. Get a Penguin Classics edition as they can be relied on for good translations of the full text (their Count of Monte Christo is phenomenal).
The whole world knows you for a Gascon on first sight, and everyone expects you to act the Gascon. As a proud Gascon, you do not disappoint.
For Musketeers, they engaged in surprisingly little musketry.
What no there’s the bet/breakfast/secret meeting in the abandoned fortress, they musket a lot then.
I will now take a minute to gloat about how Dumas’ novels are still famous and beloved, and how Balzac — who was gross and racist to Dumas, also seems to have been a fairly gross person in general — is known primarily for being featured in a Music Man lyric.
No matter how awful Balzac was – and he was PRETTY DAMN AWFUL – Père Goriot is still an amazing book and I will FIGHT PEOPLE ON THIS. The awful sometimes seeps through the cracks, but STILL.
I don’t really have anything of substance to add here, but clicking thumbs-up on this comment was not enough for me. Yes, Balzac was indefensibly awful in person, but he was a brilliant writer. (Actually, I think it’s interesting to consider how often his professed personal opinions–reactionary even for their time–are undermined by what happens in his work, where, say, women are often rewarded for their transgressions. And also everyone is kinda gay.)
But I love Dumas too!
When my mom’s plans for my wedding started to get out of hand, I started trolling her back by suggesting, you know, an antique lace gown etc. Arriving in a hot air ballon is one of the suggestions that she thought might be feasible.
You consider joining the priesthood, but would miss the duelling, ladies and wine.
“You befriend a band of charming and loyal pirates.”
THE DREAM.
You want to befriend a band of charming and loyal pirates? But you did that. We’re here right here. We love you!
19. You fucking love SAILING SHIPS. You could spend ALL DAY just describing sailing ship. You probably do.
OK, which is your favourite Dumas movie adaptation? Mine is the ridiculous The Musketeer, because it is ridiculous and the fight scenes are dope.
My second favourite is technically a TV show, but it’s called Ganketsuo and it is The Count of Monte Cristo IN SPACE. (Also anime, also Anna Sui designed all the clothes.)
OK, which is your favourite Dumas movie adaptation? Mine is the ridiculous The Musketeer, because it is ridiculous and the fight scenes are dope.
My second favourite is technically a TV show, but it's called Ganketsuo and it is The Count of Monte Cristo IN SPACE. (Also anime, also Anna Sui designed all the clothes.)
19. You’re a lesbian with whom the narrator sympathizes so much that they may actually be the cause of your outing to your fellow characters – even though they are completely external.
(This is the #1 thing that got me through Monte-Cristo. I was SO looking forward to every description of Eugénie where Dumas would inevitably drop some ~subtle~ & surprisingly respectful hints re: her sexuality. I love him for it. Even if thaT ENDING IS BULLSHIT DUMAS I KNOW YOU HAD CREDITORS TO PAY BUT COME ON DUDE)
Huge Gankutsuou fan here, but new viewers should be aware that the animation can be (deliberately) eye-searing and dizzying, especially in the first few episodes. The show is extremely good, though purists should be aware that the plot deviates from the book somewhat.
Interestingly, several telenovelas have done a gender-switched Count of Monte Cristo plot. The one I saw, La Patrona, came out last year on Telemundo, and won a slew of awards. I can only discuss La Patrona via severe flailing, squeeing, and massive spoilers, so I shall just recommend that everyone go watch it right now. It’s still on Telemundo’s website and can be watched with either English or Spanish subtitles.
19. Madam, you never eat muscatel grapes.
Is there another way to swoon?
I don't really have anything of substance to add here, but clicking thumbs-up on this comment was not enough for me. Yes, Balzac was indefensibly awful in person, but he was a brilliant writer. (Actually, I think it's interesting to consider how often his professed personal opinions–reactionary even for their time–are undermined by what happens in his work, where, say, women are often rewarded for their transgressions. And also everyone is kinda gay.)
But I love Dumas too!
20. You have a plan. It involves a feather, some gunpowder, an old piece of parchment, and six coins. You only need three of these things, and you refuse to tell anyone what your plan is.