Today in Ms. Frizzle’s class we were learning about the body. “What body?” Carlos kept asking anyone who would listen. “Somebody.” Ms. Frizzle laughed uproariously every time he said it. “Somebody! That’s good, Carlos!” Ms. Frizzle was in a good mood today. There was going to be another adventure.
“According to my research –” Dorothy Ann began, then stopped abruptly.
“Class,” Ms. Frizzle said, “Can anyone tell me why Dorothy Ann has stopped speaking?” No one said anything. “If no one raises their hands,” Ms. Frizzle said, “I’ll have to assume that no one is willing to try to learn today. And if no one wants to learn today, I will write it down in my brown book here. Does anyone want me to put that mark in my brown book today?”
Hands went up. Ms. Frizzle beamed as she looked out over the sea of waving arms. “Arnold,” she said finally. “Why do you think Dorothy Ann has stopped speaking?”
“Her mouth is hurting,” Arnold said carefully.
“That’s technically true,” Ms. Frizzle said. “Dorothy Ann’s mouth is hurting. But why is it hurting, that’s what I’d like to know? How can you tell?”
“Dorothy Ann’s mouth is hurting,” Ralphie said, “because it’s bleeding.”
“Right again,” Ms. Frizzle said. “And what is Dorothy Ann learning now?” No one said anything. “Everything I do for you children,” Ms. Frizzle continued, “I do to teach. Life is a learning process, and nobody ever stops learning. What is Dorothy Ann learning?”
Dorothy Ann was very still in the corner now.
“Dorothy Ann is learning to wait her turn to be called on before speaking. Shall we call on her now?”
“I wish I’d stayed home today,” Arnold said.
“What on earth do you mean, Arnold?” asked Ms. Frizzle.
“I don’t mean anything,” he said. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I said.”
“You said you wished you were at home, Arnold. What’s home?” she said.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t remember.”
“Which is it?” Ms. Frizzle asked. “You don’t know, or you don’t remember? Answer me without hesitating, please. And open your eyes.”
“I don’t know,” Arnold said firmly. “I don’t know, and I don’t remember. I don’t know. I don’t know it.”
“If you don’t know it, Arnold,” Ms. Frizzle said, “then why did you wish you were there?”
“I don’t know,” Arnold said. “I didn’t mean it.”
“But you must have meant it, Arnold,” Ms. Frizzle said. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have said anything. If you said home, you must have meant something by it. What’s home? Speak up so the class can hear.”
“Home is where I was – before –”
“Before what, Arnold?”
“Before this. Before class.”
“That’s very interesting, Arnold!” Ms. Frizzle said. “Was there ever anything before class?”
No one was looking at Arnold. No one was looking at Dorothy Ann.
“Is there anything after class?” Ms. Frizzle asked.
Arnold shook his head.
“Then does it make sense that there was anything before class?” Ms. Frizzle asked. Her voice was very gentle. She loved helping students learn.
Arnold shook his head again.
“Then you can’t very well wish you were there, can you?” Ms. Frizzle said. “If it never was.”
“No – o – o,” Arnold breathed out, and tried to smile a little.
“That’s very good,” Ms. Frizzle said, then patted Arnold gently on the back of the head. “Have a piece of candy, Arnold.”
Arnold was so, so grateful. Ms. Frizzle was the best teacher we ever had.
The Magic School Bus had some pretty bizarre implications all on it’s own. What makes it magic? Why the bus? Do the children tell their parents what is happening to them? What if the shrink feature breaks and they are all stuck?
I may have over-thought this.
Also, there was the irony of teaching kids science…through a MAGIC school bus.
Just think of it as the “sufficiently advanced technology school bus.”
This is the most perfect thing anyone has ever said. (I would suggest shutting down the internet, but then what would I do all day?)
I never read these books but I always suspected they were inspired by an acid trip.
oh man, I can’t read this
Welp, really trying to make me not miss the Toast in a week, aren’t ya.
(p.s.: it’s not working. Now I’m just TERRIFIED and sad. 😛 )
No one ever tortured us with dark and eldritch magic at my old school…
Did not know that Ms. Frizzle and Dolores Umbridge were the same person.
As well as the Lady of the Green Kirtle in C.S. Lewis’ The Silver Chair…(“Sun? There is no sun…” Thrum thrum on her harp…).
Exactly what I was thinking!
It reminded me of the mean teacher from Wayside School–Mrs. Gorf?
I have trouble watching the show without being a joyless adult cynic. She is putting these children into so much danger, and recklessly, and I’ll bet their parents never signed permission forms. Often, these kids are gone overnight! With no adult chaperones except for a clearly unhinged teacher, and a ginger at that. Highly suspect.
Mallory, you jerk. How dare you use Ms Frizzle’s charm and highly suspect nature against us.
(Also I am very sad that none of the other kids got to use their catchphrases. Whither “Come on, you weaselly wimps!” and “Oh bad. Oh bad bad bad bad!” and, the most annoying, “At my old school…”?)
how dare you slander Ms. Frizzle.
Nightmare material for sure. Mallory you are too witches for us.
She’s still my style guru, tho.
The Magic School Bus doesn’t need to be made horrific, I thought! It’s already weird!
I was wrong. This is infinitely worse. This is some Wayside Stories bullshit. (Another series purported to be fun that actually fucking terrified me.)
Definitely feeling the Wayside School vibes. *shudder*
I keep thinking about the dead rat that got up and walked away.
I love the wayside school books
I AM 32 YEARS OLD AND THE SCARS FROM READING THE WAYSIDE SCHOOL BOOKS HAVE NOT FADED.
There is no 19th Floor.
There is no Miss Zarves.
Ahh, what a great line. An early “WTF did I just read?” moment.
There is no 19th story or storey. Any memory that you may have of there being a 19th story in the second book is a false memory implanted there by Miss Zarves, who does not exist, so you cannot have any memory of students being forced to memorize the dictionary or singing songs about lost footwear. Because if you did have memories of that, that would mean Miss Zarves did exist. And we all know what would happen then.
I still talk about potato tattoos! As in, it came up on Saturday.
The dead rat was pretty gross and confusing. Smelly too. And MISS ZARVES!! zomg
I remember enjoying/being confused by the wayside school math books. Were they algebra before I learned algebra?
Potato tattoos! Someone I know was just talking about getting one…
Also, the math was totally confusing, BUT I re-read it after some time had passed and was actually able to understand a lot more of it and make the math work.
Most of these have filled me with dread, regardless of my feelings on the source material.
This, one, folks, this one was just GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
My psycho ex from high school, the one who raped me? His mother is a Kindergarten teacher who reminds everyone of Ms. Frizzle, except when I told people he raped me she….. well, this seems pretty accurate to my experience in that aftermath. And I’m just so happy to be able to share this with people to explain!
GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE today is a LOVELY DAY.
(to be clear, this is not sarcastic in any way, I am 100% joyful here).
(that too, not sarcasm. being NOT sarcastic on the internet is sometimes hard?)
There’s Horror as a Fiction genre, and then there’s “horror” as an inexorable condition of human existence.
I’m so sorry that the above was real or similar to reality for you in any way!
I tooooootally believe your sincerity.
I’ve known enough horrifying-in-reality beloved teachers to 100% believe this.
And I’m sorry about your encounters with her and especially with her son.
YAY GLEE though!
Now I know I’ll never get the ‘Pitch Meeting for the Magic School Bus’ post I was secretly longing for, dammit!
Ahhhh! I just screamed in my head after reading this.
Does anyone else get the Harlan Ellison vibe with this one ?
I’m in a shrunken school bus, and I must go home.
I was thinking of Jerome Bixby’s “It’s a Good Life”, later the basis for the Twilight Zone episode of the same name (and of course later still parodied in a delightful Treehouse of Horror Simpsons bit).
Oh! Just this week I had to explain to an editor what I meant by “His parents react as if they were expecting him to wish them into a cornfield”!
Oh no,no,no not The Magic Schoolbus.
I don’t know if I can read this one.
(I’m totally gonna read this one.)
“That’s very interesting, Arnold!” Ms. Frizzle said. “Was there ever anything before class?”
MALLORY
I’ve never commented before, but I’m going to be working on the reboot of Magic School Bus soon, and this post is…………… definitely one way for the Toast to keep its memory alive in me for a good long time.
YOU’RE GOING TO BE WORKING ON THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS REBOOT????
HOLY SHIT, DUDE, THAT’S BOSS. Incidentally, if you’re up for being interviewed about it, you should get in touch!
O.o
MALLORY
Remember the “gritty reboot” trailer from a few years back? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rce6HTFBaFg
JESUS CHRIST MALLORY
All together now!
Mallory, thank you for this last, traumatizing gift.
GREAT UNDEAD CTHULHU, MALLORY.
Traumatizing to some, perhaps, but nowhere near as psychologically scarring as, Children’s Stories Made Horrific: The Little Red Hen.
Traumatizing to some, perhaps, but nowhere near as psychologically scarring as, Children’s Stories Made Horrific: The Little Red Hen.
That is the product of Mallory’s mind that will stay with me the longest.