Yup:
Advocates for families caught up in the child-welfare system hope that the national debate sparked by the free-range parenting movement will draw attention to the threats and intrusions that poor and minority parents endure all the time. Child-neglect statutes, says Martin Guggenheim, a New York University law professor and codirector of the school’s Family Defense Clinic, tend to be extremely vague, giving enormous discretion to social workers. “The reason we’ve tolerated the level of impreciseness in these laws for decades,” he notes, “is that they tend to be employed almost exclusively in poor communities—communities that are already highly regulated and overseen by low-level bureaucrats like the police. For somebody like me, the ‘free-range’ cases that are hitting the paper today are a dream come true, because finally people who otherwise don’t care about this problem are now calling out and saying, ‘Aren’t we going too far here?’”
There are two new books coming out about Astrid Lindgren, and I am HERE FOR THEM:
Sometimes a book is published, and its impact is like a thunderbolt. “Pippi Longstocking” turned the established order upside-down, because it has a girl as a heroine who is stronger and many times smarter than any adult, and because the anarchy in the book triumphs over middle-class decency.
What made Lindgren invent such a hero in the middle of the war? Literary scholar Barbara Vinken described “Pippi Longstocking” as a “shifting insurrection.” In March 1944, Lindgren noted in her diary: “On the home front, Karin had the measles, with everything that goes with it, and she isn’t allowed to get up yet. — I am currently greatly amusing myself with Pippi.” She had injured her ankle and was forced to stay at home and rest. She was bored and took advantage of the time to write.
The whole deal with this cover story was that she wouldn’t grant us any facetime, or phone time, but agreed to answer five questions over email.
Thing is, I knew she could go ghost. Not just because she can, which she can. Not just because of Beyoncé’s recent Vogue September issue cover story, where Pulitzer-prize winner Margo Jefferson wrote a killer writearound with zero involvement or comment from Bey’s camp. But because I’ve been in exactly this position before—seven times, actually, if you count each leg of Rihanna’s 777 Tour in 2012.
From Mexico City to Berlin and Toronto to Stockholm, I’ve waited for Rihanna. Once, I waited on the tarmac at Charles de Gaulle airport for three hours because she wasn’t quite finished shopping for lingerie at Chantal Thomas. After which she stopped at La Perla, another very nice underwear store. This was documented on Rihanna’s Instagram, and Just Jared’s. I think she ran into Puffy at La Perla.
I don’t know if you’ve been following The New York Times‘ series on the very elderly, but it is very good and very interesting, and this installment is great:
FOR FREDERICK JONES, 88, the family safety net consists mostly of holes. Mr. Jones began the summer having portions of two toes amputated because of circulatory problems. He was discharged from a rehabilitation center in late August and sent home to his three-story walk-up apartment in Crown Heights, Brooklyn.
“My insurance said they weren’t paying anymore,” he said, sitting amid the bills and junk mail that had piled up during his nearly three months away. The rehabilitation center had provided him with a walker, but it was too heavy to carry up and down the stairs, so it sat idle, in the spot where a neighbor had put it for him. Mr. Jones did not know when he would feel strong enough to leave the apartment.
The care he gets at home is minimal.
He has regular contact with only one of his six children, and she has breast cancer, which keeps her from spending much time with him, he said. He has too much money to qualify for Medicaid and most subsidized programs for low-income seniors, but not enough to afford private aides or to move from his rent-controlled apartment to a building with an elevator. When he was discharged from the rehabilitation center — “too soon,” he said — he was left with only short-term solutions: a visiting nurse to change the dressing on his foot, a part-time aide for three weeks and meals on wheels delivered twice a week.
Inmates at the Clinton Correctional Facility in upstate New York said the guards who beat them in the days after a brazen escape in June wore no name badges and did not identify themselves.
But one guard, the inmates said, stood out. He had a large tattoo of the American flag down his left arm and was known around the prison as Captain America.
No officer has been publicly implicated in any wrongdoing since an investigation by The New York Times nearly two months ago found what appeared to be a campaign of retribution against dozens of Clinton inmates after the escape at the prison.
Now, through interviews with inmates, The Times has identified Captain America as Chad Stickney, a gang intelligence officer and onetime steward in the state corrections officers’ union.
I really loved this long Ellen Page profile:
Today, she appears to be so open and frank and optimistic; before she came out, though, she was miserable. “I’m embarrassed to say how closeted I was,” she said. “I get sad thinking about it, honestly, because it was painful. And painful for people I was in relationships with. Just all-around destructive. Intolerance and closetedness is just a ripple effect of shit.”
She would hide women she was dating, she said, making them, for instance, leave a hotel by a different entrance to wait for her in a car. “That kind of shit,” Page said, sounding disgusted. “Go in the bathroom when room service comes. Or: This is my friend.” And, of course: “Noooo public interaction.” She cringed: “I feel bad about it. And I did start feeling really guilty about it. And I think that I should feel guilty about it.”
The vets and volunteers working with animals injured and displaced by the wildfires in California:
Lake County, where the poverty rate hovers around 25%, faces an extremely rough recovery from the fire, especially in Middletown. The implications of that poverty rate for animals are a longstanding problem, as Dr Christi Camblor, a veterinarian at Compassion Without Borders, explains. Her organization arrived at the Calistoga Fairgrounds to provide basic care to animals who had never seen a veterinarian before, including animals who hadn’t even received vaccinations. She adds that even as veterinarians in Lake County get their fire-related caseload under control, the issue of access to veterinary care for low-income people will remain a problem.
At the age of seven, I knew an awful lot about Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, Japan, China, and the Philippines so that I could correct adult strangers about conflicts from which they assumed I’d been salvaged. From the time I was 10, strangers wanted me to discuss my adoptive parents’ fertility, the cost of my adoption, the imagined poverty, sexual habits, and mortality of my birth mother, my genetic relationship to my sister, my wise advice to potential adopters, and my gratitude to parents and idle bystanders for my welcome in this country. They’ve used my “success,” for which they also claimed credit, to shame the supposed failures of the less fortunate. After I was attacked on a busy street, in daylight, by a white man who slammed me into a wall and hit me with a bottle, screaming at me to get out of his country, while dozens of people stood by and did nothing, I had to explain to my beloved grandfather why I questioned his railing at “the immigrants” to leave “his” country. (Mortified, he said he didn’t think of me “that way.”) And I’ve been wept at, confided in, and appealed to, by complete strangers—while I was trapped on flights or at work—to explain why their adopted children had grown alienated from them.
“Why does my daughter hate me?”
“Why is my son so angry?”
My friend Carrie’s new puppy has soulful eyes:
Peeple co-founder compares herself, without irony, to, you know, Copernicus, of course. pic.twitter.com/z6duLvmrRV
— LM Sacasas (@FrailestThing) October 1, 2015
Toast, there is a non-specific threat to a non-specific college in the Delaware Valley set to happen at a specific time (today, 1pm CT), and I am heartily FUCKING OVER all of this shit. So I’ll find somewhere else to be off-campus around that time, pray that everyone else in higher ed in this area stays safe, and hope that it’s just an awful trolling prank. And how fucking sad is THAT.
Ugh, right? There are so many universities around here that the lack of specificity is simultaneously very scary and making me think that it is a terrible “prank.” Here’s hoping you and all the other Philly-area-university Toasties stay safe.
ugh my mom is a teacher at Penn State Brandywine, I am going to be stressed about this shit all day
RIGHT? It all just makes me want to throw up.
I hope you (and EVERYONE in that area) stay safe.
Having gone through the panic of threat that turned out to not be legit (long story short, someone was on campus with his halloween costume on a few days after Halloween, it did not go well), I understand how stressful that waiting is, the not knowing.
Oh Lord, how awful. We just had one of those for the high schools in our area that turned out to be nothing, but it stressed everyone out horribly and half of them had to be evacuated.
Right there with you….hoping everything turns out ok today.
I cosign every bit of your post. Stay safe.
ME too 🙁 I work at a University and have locked my office door.
I teach at a college in South Jersey. I decided not to cancel class, mostly out of sheer mulishness, but most of my students were absent, and I can’t blame them.
Need good vibes toasties!
Lady sickness, paper due tonight, and Im taking the bus home to Columbia on Thursday to find the road up to my house washed away. It’s just gone. Our house and cars are okay but I know others arent so lucky and my high school is under like 10 feet of water, in the worst part of town. I’m worried I won’t be able to get home and the new gf (who lives five minutes away coincidentally) won’t be able to either. The most important thing is that we’re safe.
Glad you are safe! I’m in the Charleston area and the flooding in Columbia is so much worse than ours but isn’t on the news as much. My house stayed dry and we are so lucky. Please stay safe! Do not drive through standing water, don’t wade through flowing water, good luck!
Thank you! I know Charleston isnt much better!
My family is under the boil water advisory but they still have water and power. They stocked up before the weekend so theyre not in trouble of running out of food.
But our local mall, my former high school, the movie theater, basically all non residential areas are under at least 3 feet.
Here is something that quietly happened the other day: the new chair of the US House Natural Resources Committee, Bob Bishop (R-Utah) allowed the Land and Water Conservation Fund to expire. This is a fund that uses the rents from resource extraction companies working on public land to pay for national parks.
http://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/our-stat…
Bob Bishop thinks that “the feds already own enough land”, and I know that he doesn’t really have principles, he’s just a shill for the oil or mining industry or something, but I do always get mad that people buy this line and don’t seem to understand what it means for something to be own by the “public.” The “feds” don’t own public things, WE own public things. Bishop wants to give back the rents charged for public land to oil companies, and what that means is that he wants to take something that we all own jointly, and essentially give it away for free.
I hate that he wants to do this, but also I hate that we don’t seem to be allowed to talk about our common wealth like that, like the idea of things held by the common good is some kind of Communism or something and Against America.
Thank you for posting about this, I hadn’t heard it at all.
I am also glad you posted this and fucking enraged by it. I know there’s a lot going on in the world — humans at risk, animals suffering — but damn, I want this to get some national attention too.
Not to be cliche, but seriously CALL YOUR CONGRESSPEOPLE — esp if you live in a red state– and demand this be reinstated! In addition to venting your righteous indignation, it works! All Members have to track the calls/ emails / letters they get on issues, and if they get hassled they actually will do something to stop being hassled…
Why is the chair of the Natural Resources Committee somebody who doesn’t respect natural resources?
I mean, I know why, but it’s very frustrating.
Why do we have a party whose entire philosophy of government is “we should get rid of all the government”?
Who knows, America is one fucking mysterious country.
Yep, fuck that guy.
http://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/our-stat…
Copernicus. Of course.
You just can’t make that stuff up.
At least it wasn’t Rosa Parks.
I’m still not convinced this isn’t a hoax.
Everything I’ve read indicates that “not sure” is the appropriate place to be at the moment.
And by “everything I’ve read”, what I really mean is that people I like on twitter have been wondering if it’s a hoax, and then retweeting things where other people show inconclusive evidence that it really might be a hoax, so, I have done exactly NONE of the due diligence here but I’m with you.
Yeah, I’ve read stuff that make it sound hoax-y and I’m currently leaning to hoax, but I’m not going to be shocked if it turns out to be real.
I saw this Snopes article the other day that brings up all kinds of reasons to be skeptical.
Still, the fact that it’s so plausible and the founders are actual humans saying such terrible things makes all the backlash totally legit in my mind! It’s not very different from how other tech & media companies blow off or make inauthentic promises to fix privacy and harassment problems.
I haven’t seen the press come out saying it was all a hoax (and a LOT of tech press published stories on it), and I think even if they DID, I’d wonder if it was a real idea that they decided to take back as a “joke” as a way to avoid flak.
This would not be surprising at all. I can just picture it being a widespread practice…every tech developer/funder has an envelope marked “PLAN B” that just contains a piece of paper reading “IT WAS A PERFORMANCE ART PIECE” or “IT WAS A JOKE DIDN’T YOU GET THE JOKE?” or “LOL JUST TROLLING”
Is this a Banksy thing? It seems like it could be a big Banksy goof.
MEOWMEOWBEENZ!
I’m not going to say the US is the only country that would prefer to know nothing about how its prisoners are treated, but I think most people here would prefer that the prison system be a complete Black-Box. You’ll see the same comment in every story about prison abuse: “Well, they shouldn’t have committed crimes.” – completely ignoring the fact that many people in the system have yet to be officially charged – they just can’t make bail. Or, that they might be innocent. And apparently any level of abuse is appropriate for any crime.
The US prison system degrades both the inmates and the guards, and very little good comes from banging people up for years with no resources for their rehabilitation or life after release. As the country with the largest per-capita prison population, we ought to be both frightened and ashamed.
There are several non-profits working on this problem, for instance the Women’s Prison Association. They always need donations: http://www.wpaonline.org
Maybe it’s self-centered, but I didn’t start thinking much about prison conditions until my little brother was facing prison time not too long ago. He got away with probation, but the only difference between him and J. Random Drugdealer wasting away in a cell is that he comes from the kind of family that can afford* bail and legal fees. “You shouldn’t have committed a crime!” is a great argument for my mom to use when she doesn’t want to let him borrow the car. Not a great argument for why we want to destroy the lives of fellow human beings. Even from a purely cynical standpoint, most of those folks are going to get out of prison someday– how does traumatizing and dehumanizing a person make them a better neighbor?
*Lol, “afford.” By which I mean they were able to take out loans on their house and borrow some serious money from relatives. That’s what it takes to experience the criminal justice system as something that rehabilitates rather than something that tortures.
I’m sorry to hear about your family stress, bird_internet. That sucks!
My turning point on prison and sentencing in the US was when I had to study recidivism for a college course. The more I learned about the prisons here, and how useless they were, and how valuable actual rehabilitation was, and how shitty sentencing is, and how wrong it is to have for-profit prisons, the more I hated our system and the angrier I was at the people who enforce and support it. I just find it so shameful.
I can honestly not think of anything worse than “Peeple”– has it gone live yet? Because it is destined to be sued by everyone for everything.
Snopes suspects it may never have existed at all:
http://m.snopes.com/2015/10/01/peeple/
That’s pretty thin gruel, as it mostly consists of repeated iterations of “but they’ve never done an app before”, as if that’s some sort of huge barrier to doing one. I’m not really buying that this was probably just viral marketing for a reality series about developing an app, as presumably anyone who would really want to do that would come up with something that wouldn’t be such an obviously bad idea. Although in the end, coming up with a bad idea for an app that you actually plan to make and deliberately coming up with a bad idea for an app for grist for your reality show may both be under the umbrella of “no such thing as bad publicity”.
gotta say I really admire this balls-out awfulness. Cordray commits herself to being ridiculous and terrible in ways I have never committed to anything.
THIS HAS ALL HAPPENED BEFORE
Peeple is a TERRIBLE idea, and Community knows why.
Thank you, I KNEW I’d seen it somewhere before…
I’m going to go buy me some mustard.
This is my exact first thought! Like, do you even WATCH Community, Peeple founder????
this is our future, sheeple!
I was cackling endlessly with memories of that episode last night. MEOWMEOWBEENZ!!!! What a good episode.
It’s like if a year after Jonathan Swift published “A Modest Proposal” a couple of gently bred women published a cookery book of Irish babies.
Not related to the links, but is anyone else getting a really loud autoplaying something or other on the homepage? Mine started over the weekend, I can’t relate it to any of the ads, pressing pause or mute on the one autoplaying video that I can see (which is currently an ad for the rugby world cup, or TV coverage of it) doesn’t make it stop! is it just me?
I have adblock (sorry!!) so I don’t see it, but if you don’t want to get adblock, try using Chrome. When there’s sound on the page you will see a little sound icon on the tab, next to the site name. Click it to mute the audio.
I did not know you could do that! AMAZING
Right?? I only learned recently (thanks random tumblr post) and it is amazing, haha.
Oooh I will investigate thankyou! (Of course since I posted it has stopped…)
Yeah, I was getting a stream of a Dutch radio station (I do live in the Netherlands, so that’s not entirely random) for a while. Can’t wait until the redesign goes live…
Hogwarts 99 is everything I have ever wanted in a blog forever and ever amen. “That’s where the blood is supposed to be!”
Litle Draco spouting one Gina’s self-absobed rants is a thing of perfection.
“Cool motive. Still murder!” applies to soooo many pop culture things. It’s the One True Line.
I think (hope) the Peeple thing must be a huge hoax. That idea is horrible, and it opens up tons of legal exposure. Libel is still libel,even if it’s anonymous. So many opportunities for harassment and stalking too!
I can’t imagine investors and advertisers would support this
Or you know, I’m just a flat-earther, and I refuse to see the error of my ways.
It would be very illegal in the UK (and I think most European countries?) because you cannot store data on a person with only a third party’s permission. Any organisation which wants to store my name, telephone number, address or email has to ask me directly and get my permission. If Peeple wanted to operate or be available in the UK they couldn’t just opt out of the Data Protection act.
dammit why are your laws so good
*looks at government*
Well, it can’t be our politicians. Maybe it’s our civil servants? *clutches at straws*
maybe you guys just have better straws
We should never have left the British empire
I think it has to be either a hoax or snakeoil — every response they’ve had to criticism has been so on-the-nose flabbergasting that’s impossible to imagine that it’s happening by accident. Not only that, there doesn’t seem to be any evidence that they’re even making a program. This is either some elaborate Yes Men-style ruse, or a plan to collect a quarter million dollars in capital for vaporware and then book it.
I’m starting to believe that Peeple is going to end up being like, a documentary or something. Like, the “viral app” experience or something.
I agree–if not a hoax, a project whose only serious goal is to attract publicity. Which is why everyone needs to stop giving them attention! They are (most likely) literally nothing but attention-arbiters!
My friend Libby’s puppy Marilyn Monroe (aka M&M, aka Em, aka Skittles), really likes leaves:
Was this really necessary? You’ve already killed me once with this dog.
PUPPY PICS ARE ALWAYS NECESSARY.
Also I have to share, because every time I get another one of these I also die.
WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Witness! Witness!
I don’t know if I can handle TWO DIFFERENT CUTE PUPPIES in one link roundup, but I am willing to try.
CUTENESS
WHY SO TINYYYY OH GOD
My 9-year old, 120lb puppy also really likes to pretend he’s Totoro.
We were talking here about how Amy is Hermione, right?
Did anyone else see this ad from Denmark about increasing the population? I have no idea if this is a real thing or not (I don’t really want or need to know the answer to that), but the ad is funny, fascinating, and horrifying, sometimes in alternating moments, sometimes in an uneasy mixture.
I love visiting Denmark and my Danish friends but that country is really fucked up sometimes
oh my god this is amazing
I love the implicit suggestion that young people are thinking “I might like to have a baby, but I’m just not that interested in sex” haha yes that’s the problem definitely
I want to take this ad apart, piece by piece, and point out all the appallingly wrong and beautifully amazing parts of it.
I do feel bad for people who want to be grandparents but whose children aren’t cooperating (hi mom!).
If I got knocked up tomorrow my mom would genuinely sob with happiness. Alas, I don’t really want kids–and I admit to feeling guilty on occasion, even though she hasn’t said anything in years.
I wonder if the women in Denmark know about birth control yet? I guess maybe we shouldn’t tell them…We’ll keep quiet for Denmark.
My favorite part is the condoms on the wooden skewer.
that is a genius image
Astrid Lindgren!!! OK, who’s up for a thread about RONIA THE ROBBER’S DAUGHTER?? The most important book. The most important.
I’ll start it off. It was so important and novel to me as a child that you could depict a father and daughter having a intractable disagreement, and the father was in the wrong, and is shown to be being more childish than his child about it. And how you can be so hurt and angry with a family member and still love them so much.
But also, ADVENTURE!! Living in a cave with your best friend, saving his life by sneaking him food while your rival robber clans bicker! The fact that he wasn’t your best friend right off, but you BECAME friends! Realizing that something scares you, so you do it over and over again until you feel no fear! A fearless little girl who is fearless because she WORKS at it!
And the scene where Ronia and Birk are being swept over the falls, and they hold each other and say how much they mean to each other–ugh, it gave me so many feelings as a kid. And when Birk’s mother says something like “Well, we know what ‘brother and sister’ will mean when they grow up!” and my tiny 9-year-old heart felt its first stirrings of wanting to ship two characters.
Can never decide if my favorite scene is Ronia and Birk going over the waterfall or the reunion with Matt. Sniff.
YES! I was so, so pleased the article mentioned that–although my childhood copy has gone AWOL and I haven’t found it available on Kindle so some parts I don’t remember. But omg jumping over the gorge.
Alas, I don’t think it’s made it to e-book form yet. But you can get the audiobook from Audible!
I’m glad they’re still selling it with the Trina Schart Hyman illustration as the cover. That’s what made me pick it up eons ago as a wee babby. She was my favorite illustrator, and I’d give any book with one of her drawings a chance–which is also how I ended up reading Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court way before I understood about 70% of his references.
YES. I loved Pippi Longstocking as a kid, but Ronia was my role model probably until middle school. It took me a long time to get over my dream of living in a cave with my best friend and collecting moss for wounds. I also love that the mom in the book is a total boss.
I’m like five paragraphs into that CPS article and already so mad. Fuck that preschool teacher who called CPS because a child ran into the street. Children are idiots. They run into the street because they haven’t yet learned to fear death, not because their parents are neglectful. You are a teacher, you should know this. Good lord!
Me too. At least in the article they talk about the lack of support for parents that are struggling and the economic reasons a mother may be forced to leave their child alone.
I have many thoughts on all this and the free range parenting stuff (Whhhyyy does everything have to get A Title and become a belief system?); but it generally boils down to, let kids be kids, and teach them to keep themselves safe (In age appropriate ways!). How do you expect them to cross the road safely as adults if they were never taught (and allowed to practice) this skill as children? There isn’t a magic download of Adult Knowledge that happens at 18, its learned in gradual stages and someone has to teach it and they have to be allowed to practice it!
I think you’re not appreciating the gravity of the situation. A nine year old in a TREE?! Siblings DISAGREEING in an UNCIVILIZED MANNER? This clearly would not have happened if their parents had been on the ball. Or, y’know, white.
This! This is the reason a preschool teacher would report normal child behavior (running into the street) as parental neglect. Because that teacher has a grudge or a prejudice against that family. It’s behavior she would not report for another family.
God seriously. I was babysitting a kid once who walked straight into my car for no discernable reason despite me saying repeatedly “Ben, watch out for my car, Bennie, watch out, Ben, watch where you’re going!” I mean, obviously, CPS should have been called already since the kids were with a babysitter and all that, but still.
I worked in the health service in the UK for a bit, and no lie, we would see comments from social workers on official reports saying things like ‘Child taken to nursery despite parents not working that day’, as if using a childcare provider is something you only do when you have a legitimate excuse or something; so you’re not far wrong on that one.
Thread hijack, sorry–
I cannot control the teens’ internet access, just saying that first to get it out if the way and if anybody needs justification of that I’ll add it later.
I am going to have a Very Serious Talk to the teen boy re : the dangers of internet porn, for reasons. Hes a teen. The internet is not a safe place. Just because its human nature doesnt mean human nature is benign, etc etc etc. Please send me you best literature support of said themes because logical boy will demand proof of anti-porn reasons.
I hate parenting. Help!!!
Wait, are you looking for Anti-Porn information or “this is how you find porn without filling my computer with viruses” advice… because uh, I’m only good for the 2nd one.
I know I’ve seen a video where Adam Savage (the dude from Mythbusters) talks about having this conversation with his son, but that’s a tricky thing to google at work, so I’ll leave that part to you.
I’m not going to google at work either but scarletteen usually has great and thoughtful info about sex etc geared to teens so I imagine they would have addressed this at some point.
I am not a parent, but if I had a teenage boy accessing Internet porn, I would have the following concerns
1) many porn sites, especially free ones, are hotbeds of malware that can fuck up your computer and/or facilitate things like identity theft.
2) pornography is not reflective of most peoples’ real sexual experience and can create unrealistic ideas about what bodies look like, what is expected during sexual encounters, and what people enjoy. Most porn doesn’t show things like negotiation, communicating about desires and pleasures, etc.
What are you concerns? Knowing what message you are trying to share will help track down resources that back up your argument.
Thank you so far, as soon as I get home and off the phone I’ll look for the suggested sites. I’ve already covered the reasons you mentioned, but with a dad in IT who worships the internet and has fought any and all limits, plus gives the kid computers like candy, on that front I’m outnumbered. This particular boy of mine is very ,”its black or white, there are no grey areas, and once I have decided something thats it and my mind is made up and I will not go back and reexamine it” . I struggle with that trait of his. Im worried he will dig in to be contrary for the sake of contrariness.
There’s a group called “fight the new drug” that might have something that can help
I believe Dan Savage may have addressed this on Savage Love a few times, and I would imagine his answers would have been geared towards being generally sex positive and non-shaming (and he has a teenage boy, so.) I would suggest you do a search for any advice he’s given on that point – not necessarily that his will be the “correct” answer but that it will surely have some good perspectives for you to consider.
I know I have seen decent stuff about “training” your sexual tastes to prefer porn-style sex, and porn-bodies…not gonna search at work, though. That is just not a good idea. But the the tl;dr is it can really limit sex with people to have such limited preferences.
That might be an argument for amateur porn, tho….
I don’t think the internet is dangerous, at least not the way we usually mean when we say something’s dangerous. There’s no way that anyone can hurt your son physically. He can’t get sexually abused, either (unless he’s one of the unlucky few who send sexual selfies where they are recognisable, to someone who uses the picture in a malevolent way). Mean people are a problem on social media because they attack you socially, but he’s probably not going to hang out with a group of friends when he visits porn sites.
If he just wants to look at porn anonymously, there’s not much anyone can do to harm him. He can harm his computer by getting viruses, but that’s it, I think. The online world is much “safer” than the physical world.
TRUE STORY: when I was fourteen or so I started stealing and plowing through my mom’s (very graphic) romance novels. And when I was caught, my dad (yeah, oh well) pulled me aside to say, “y’know, sex isn’t always like that,” and my response was something along “I’m not an idiot, these are fantasies.”
So, depending on what your son is like, I might not worry too much.
(Though those novels were the first place I found out that cunnilingus was a thing, and I remember thinking, THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL, and I was so, so right.)
Just wanted to update y’all that Mr. Hamburglar (Hamtato/Hamtaro/Hambone/Hamster/Hammy/Hamby) is getting braver and has started peeking his head out from under the bed to squeak at us for pets. It is adorable and I love him.
He is very tactile- likes to paw at us (without claws) and is a bit of a gentle nipper, but that’s mostly adorable. http://imgur.com/a/bLppa
Hamtato! ha! Many cats will gently grab and nip; it really is affection, it is something cats do to each other. My old man cat will grab my hand with his paw and pull it to him for petting, and he likes to gently bite fingers, toes, and my ears. If he bites too hard by mistake, I will say ‘ouch!’ and quit petting him. As long as you gently remind him if he gets too rough, you can keep the gentle nips and be pleased that he shows you true cat bonding. 🙂
I have one cat who is very, very oral–she initially used to charge at me as I lay on the sofa and bite my nose. I transitioned her to licking instead of biting by giving her a flick on the nose and a loud NO! when she bit, and pets and cooing praises when she licked. So she still gets to be oral, but in a less painful (for me) way.
That tiny head peeking out! I’m so happy time has worked its magic!
Aw, what a good brave boy. I bet you’ll be getting snuggles soon.
Hip hip hooray for Ghost Cat transitioning to This World cat!
We just got a new kitty too! We don’t have a name for her but she’s been hiding under the couch since yesterday.
Ooh, he’s getting closer! Now you can give him a long slow eye blink (a”kitty kiss) when he looks at you. Also, my friend pointed out that if you hold your hand out with the palm facing straight up, cats often run over to you and investigate your hand. No clue why.
Keep working on it and he will discover the joys of making biscuits on your lap!
Thread hijack, sorry–
I need reasons beyond “it’s demeaning to women”, more along the lines of good porn/ bad porn/ too much porn, and use *some* self discipline, and maybe some realistic ” teenage boys can be victimized on the internet too, its not a safe place as a rule” kind of things.
Here’s an article from Scarleteen that goes into a LOT of detail about all things pornography, and goes into some of the issues with using pornography to get ideas about real life sex and relationships: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gender/looking_…
Thank you!
If your concern is to address the unrealistic standards and questionable consent that happens in most standard porn scenes, I have seen this website that’s called “Make Love, Not Porn”, which is user-submitted sex videos of real people in real relationships, usually in one cut from beginning to end, thats very explicit about showing communication and consent and variety of bodies and preferences. However, it’s still naked sex videos so I don’t know if that will help you so much.
I’m having Canadian election blues. The Conservatives are doubling down on divisive politics with their stupid niqab debate.
They started a hot line for people to report barbaric cultural practices. I’m tired of the racist dog whistles and divisive politics. They have 86 candidates for MP who pledge to bring back the abortion debate. But they won’t do anything about missing and murdered indigenous women. We’re in a recession. Syrian refugees need somewhere to go. Ugh. Is it October 19 yet?
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/oct/02/cana…
Dude, I know. I’m almost past being angry with the Conservatives, because I’ve dropped into world destroying fury at the electorate who appear to like these bullshit, hateful policies and promises.
What is wrong with people?
The only things the Cons campaign on are (1) the economy, or (2) fear-mongering. And well, the economy’s not great, so…
I hate that it works. See through it, people! Stop being terrible!
Macleans had a great article about the “dead cat strategy” they’re using with the niqab debate. I highly recommend it.
What gets me is every time I talk to reasonable Conservative supporters/sympathizers about the party’s poor record on the environment, or contempt for parliament or whatever they seem to respond that all of those things are important, but the economy is more important! They can’t think about the environment or social issues if the economy isn’t strong! But now apparently a woman putting some fabric on her face is more important than talking about the economy (which Harper has conveniently failed at)? It’s infuriating.
Fucking hell, right? I’m considering voting liberal this year, even as a staunch leftist, just because that’s probably the only way to oust the Conservative candidate from my riding. At least the Bloc is having a quiet year – their campaign signs are just the usual vague nationalist slogans.
That article about the elderly man in Crown Heights, oof. I am a visiting nurse in the Bronx and that man is basically my entire patient caseload. I don’t fear getting old because of wrinkles or saggy skin or feeling invisible….I fear that I will end up alone in a roach infested apartment eating old meals-on-wheels and having no one to take care of me. Too many people fall through the cracks. There is no dependable infrastructure supporting the poor and sick elderly and I fear it’s only going to get worse. I’m not wealthy, I don’t plan on having kids and my husband is older than me so I’m trying to work out a Golden Girls scenario with a couple of friends for our dotage. Not kidding.
No lie, suicide is my retirement plan.
I’m glad (edited to add: well, not *glad* obviously, but less alone and therefore heartened, somehow) someone else feels this way about it. I have a family history of Alzheimer’s and I have the cardigan and pond all picked out.
My parents spent a long time talking about just that. Subscribed to the Hemlock Society newsletter, etc. now they are in their 70s and 80s, respectively, and losing capacity to do things and to reason, but they don’t want to die, but have made no long term care plans, because suicide. Which they are not actually going to do.
Don’t be like those assholes.
That sounds awful and I’m sorry that’s happening to you. To be clear, I’m saving for retirement like a mofo and I have long-term care insurance but I want a Plan B in place so I don’t end up like my Gram (who was in great financial shape but trusted the wrong people because her brain was no longer working properly.)
Hey, a Golden Girls scenario sounds pretty sweet.
A Toast Commune for the Elderly, perhaps.
My hat’s off to you for the important work that you do!
My job deals heavily with the paperwork end of the elder care/ health law field (reviewing medical records for elderly people with chronic conditions, etc.), and even just reading about those situations is seriously depressing. I can’t even imagine how much more difficult it is to be there in person and see it all first-hand.
I also used to be an ombudsman visiting long-term care homes, and I’m 100% sure I’d rather stick my head in the oven than end up in some of those places. A lot of residents I visited would ask me why they were being “held” there, as if they were in prison.
Eldercare in this country is so fucked up (as is anything dealing with caring for the vulnerable and for people who care for them). My dad is dealing with longterm health issues and cannot get out of bed/showered/dressed by himself. He’s not strong enough to lift a plate of food into the microwave. Decades of copays and expensive medical equipment mean my parents have no savings, but their income is just high enough that they qualify for zero help. People from a local church come heat up dinner for him while my mom works.
It got to the point where she couldn’t get him up and ready any more. My brother and I live too far away to provide daily help, and moving isn’t a possibility. The two measly hours of in-home care costs $40 a day and they got lucky to find an agency that would allow them to get that small amount of hours. $1200 a month is impossible. My brother and I each contribute an amount more than our individual car payments, plus 3 aunts and a family friend send between $50-100 a month each to help, and still my parents are left with more to pay than they can afford. Like $300-400 a month. Meanwhile, someone is getting a mere $10 an hour tops, before taxes, to change diapers on a grown man and do all the difficult work of getting him up and dressed, then leaves for a day of work elsewhere because you know they aren’t getting enough money to live on for just this job.
It’s incredibly depressing. Money is worringly tight for three households, needs are still unmet, and this is someone who has extended family with some means to help.
I’m sorry. I really feel for you.
Right as I was typing this reply, I got a call from my sister saying that my mom is on her way to the ER with symptoms of a stroke…her second in 10 months. I am 500 miles away and don’t know if I can afford to take off the necessary time from work. I will have to, but it means not paying certain bills this month I guess. My sister is in a similar position. So, I *really* feel for you. You’re not alone. It may be of little comfort but you’re not alone.
I’m sorry for your situation too. It’s tough enough to just go through the emotions of these things, but trying to navigate systems to try and get help, and worrying about money adds another layer of awful. I can’t even imagine how people like the man in the NYT article manage alone.
That is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
Toasties this isn’t about a link, but I’m having a very sad day and could use some virtual hugs. My family has decided that it’s finally time for us to put down our beloved English Setter. She’s 15 years old and has been having seizures and declining for the last year. I know she’s not living a happy life and that she’s not going to get better, but I still think of her as the little puppy we brought home when I was 4 years old and thinking about her dying some day this week just starts me crying, especially because I don’t think I’ll be going home to say goodbye.
She’s a wonderful dog: beautiful, smart, stubborn, and incredibly gentle. I’m going to miss her so much.
I’m so sorry! I’m sure you gave your sweet dog a wonderful, happy life. *jedi hugs*
*so many hugs for you*
I also couldn’t make it home when we put our dog to sleep, and in some ways that made it a little easier for me. I don’t think I could have handled it. But my parents said it was the right choice and he let them know it was okay, so just trust in the choices your family has made and know that your pup loves you no matter how old or present she is.
It’s never easy. Our time with pets is never long enough.
I’m not even a Hiddleston fangirl (not drawn to the male sex at all), but that is a gorgeous gif. I’m so glad I got to see a screening of that play from the States!
It was an amazing production. I got to see it twice. Once in a theater, and once a pirated version of YouTube while I was stuck in an airport during a delayed flight fiasco. Pretty much a flawless production, IMO, except for the little kid who played his son, and really, what’re you gonna do about that?
I am 100% a Tom Hiddleston fangirl and this GIF was very much appreciated on my part this morning <3
Beautiful baby puppy. :(((( <3 <3 <3
She looks like a beautiful, beautiful girl. If you can give your dog a happy life and a gentle ending, you will be doing better by her than many people get.
I am so sorry! What a loss.
<3
Jedi hugs for you. Losing our animal companions is so very hard.
Those are great pictures.
*hugs* I’m so sorry.
<3
She’s gorgeous! I’m sorry. This is so very hard. Giving her a good death, gentle and calm, is the most loving act your family can make for her. Many hugs.
Oh, what a sweetheart. Sending you gentle thoughts and Jedi hugs. It hurts to much to say goodbye.
Hugs to you! 🙁 I wish pets didn’t get old!
Even better than Hogwarts Nine Nine is Parks & Mad Men. Mad Men scenes with Parks & Rec quotes over them. It’s annoying they don’t have a Tumblr, but it’s one of the funniest Instagrams out there.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/nightcheese/this-mad-menp…
Today is my last full day in this pregnancy.
I was doing okay. I was. Until my husband came to me, very earnestly, and explained that, under all circumstances, he and my daughter need me and if this abortion was going to make me fall apart, then maybe we should consider canceling. I can’t say one way or another. I don’t know what my response will be. I could be depressed afterward. I’m fairly certain that continuing this pregnancy will lead to depression, though. (He truly has been wonderfully supportive. I think he’s just stuck trying to guess what is least likely to lead to destroy me.)
I’ve been saying goodbye to this baby every chance I get. Every flutter, every ache, every vomit. His name is Ben, and he would have been a marvelous pain in the ass to his big sister. I wish I could have known his small thin arms around my neck and his curls under my nose.
Don’t forget: whatever you decide will be the right decision.
****hugs**** (if welcome)
I’m so sorry that you are in the position of having to choose among shitty, potentially-depressing options. I wish you peace and comfort with whatever path you decide is likely to be the least-bad for you.
Oh. Oh. Sending so much love to you.
Thinking of you, if it helps to know someone out there in the universe is thinking of you. Just wishing you the best in this stew of shitty options.
I’m so sorry that you must make the least bad choice between bad choices all around. I know you’ll make the right decision for you, whatever that may be.
I’m so so sorry. And your husband shouldn’t have put that burden – the burden of being ok – on you. You don’t have to be ok.
Sending love…
You don’t have to be okay right away. Give yourself permission to grieve if you haven’t already. This is a hard thing. Any choice you make is right, categorically. Hugs as needed.
Not going to lie, I have been stalking your intensedebate profile to check in on you. (… I… suspect I’m not the only one).
Of course your husband and your daughter need you. And you’re between a rock and a hard place, and so regardless of what you decide, you’re going to wish that life had made this easier for you.
But it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. You started this post not with “I’m conflicted,” or anything even a little like that. You started this post with “Today is my last full day in this pregnancy.” It sounds like as deeply not-okay you are with having to make this sort of decision, you’ve already done the math, and you already know that this particular path is the one with the best odds for you AND your family.
If I’m wrong, then, well, don’t listen to me, random internet person. If you’re reading this thinking “but, no, despite my heartbreaking and eloquent words written on this weird corner of the internet, I have actually not agonized over this decision, actually I just flipped a coin”….. well then, that’s between you and that coin. But everything that I’ve read— you’ve thought long and hard, you’ve prepared as best as you can, and you’re as sure about this decision as you can be.
Sounds like you’re not okay right now— you don’t need to be. But you WILL be okay. You will not be destroyed, regardless of what you choose, regardless of how you feel about what you choose. He won’t let you be destroyed, your daughter won’t let you be destroyed, we won’t let you be destroyed.
You won’t let you be destroyed. You WILL be okay. Not today or tomorrow. You won’t be the SAME, either. But okay? Yes. Yes you will, some day.
I regret that I have but one thumbs-up to give for this comment. Runbug, this is what I feel, too. cosetthetable articulated my desire to support you and confidence that your future will have peace about this decision, no matter what you choose. She wrote so much better than I could, though.
i honestly don’t know what to say but i want you to know that my heart goes out to you *hugs*
I am at a loss for words, but know that I am thinking of you (and yes, have been refreshing your intensedebate profile too). Jedi hugs for you. I’m sorry that this is so unfair.
I’m so sorry life has dealt you this hand. You are the expert on you and whatever decision you make is right. I wish you the best in the world.
Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. I’ve been the about-to-go-to-the-hospital-for-an-iv pregnant woman who can’t stop puking. I did consider ending the pregnancy. Luckily the drugs worked for me, enough to allow me to eat in between the puking. I’ve also been there, waiting for the D&C at 4 p.m, still nauseous and not having eaten since midnight the night before, and crying because I was still having “morning” sickness even then. Once I broke down and told a nurse what I needed (very strong anti nausea meds and a hand to hold mine) they were there, right away, so kind to me. I felt shunned up until then but I think the nurses were trying to respect my privacy. If you are too sick to go on, you are too sick to go on, and only you know that. I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow. Of course you could be depressed or sad…this is nobody’s first choice. It is sad. It is heartbreaking. It’s not fair. Other people just get to blow through these things with no self-reflection or hard decisions at all and no sickness and….well, it’s not fair. I am glad your husband is supporting you either way. I am sorry you have to be in this position. I wish I could send you real support.
Sending strength and peace your way!
I don’t know where you live, but my friend is an abortion doula in Boston — it’s exactly what it sounds like, someone to help a woman in whatever psychological and physical ways they can after an abortion rather than after a birth. I know this is very last minute but I hope you can find someone like this to support you in whatever way you need.
The divisiveness over the niqab issue just reeks of that Australian campaign manager Harper brought in and I’m furious about how successful it seems to be. And now it’s starting to have real-world effects, a woman in Toronto was apparently assaulted while wearing a niqab.
Choosing to take deep breaths and nag all my friends about voting.
edit: this is in response to PRockette
Alison Kinney’s orphan article is fantastic and she made my day by mentioning my friend Rachel…
Somehow I managed to miss the Franzen-wanting-to-adopt-an-Iraqi-orphan. . .thing. Having met him on several occasions–wut. (Franzen, more than any relatively famous author I’ve met–and through my MFA I met a fair number, although I know Franzen from my undergrad alma mater–is exactly like you’d expect him to be from his writing, and not in a good way.)
Ah, another Swattie! (Or as I prefer to term us, especially in the Franzen context, Swarthmorons.) My problem is that most of his public gaffes do tend to have an undertone of “Oh dear, that is very Swarthmore, isn’t it?” Not just white privilege, but that particular blindness of the professionally Quaker world-saver. “We’re too smart to fall into that trap!” There’s a lot I value about the place, but there is a dark side (or a too-light side?).
I graduated from Haverford and somehow never heard the term Swarthmoron before today. I regret this.
Bryn Mawrtyrs, Haverfreudians, Swarthmorons.
Man, these people quoted in the orphan piece.
Meghan Daum, who also once flirted with the “absurd” idea of adopting, wrote in the L.A. Times, “It should be obvious to anyone who read beyond the headline that Franzen hadn’t seriously sought to fill in his knowledge about Western millennials by adopting a Middle Eastern war orphan.”
It was not.
One adoptive father called me an ungrateful bitch, because I supported birth mothers’ rights.
Don’t accost strangers with questions if you don’t want to hear their answers, buddy.
Long before Michael Derrick Hudson came along, a friend advised me, “Why don’t you change your name to the Korean word for ‘orphan’? That way, people will know what you are, and they’ll feel sorry for you, and they’ll publish your novel, because Asians are in control of publishing.”
?????????
What kind of “friend” was that in the last quote?? Were they making a really bad joke, or are they — ugh, I don’t want to say anything disparaging about mental illness, but my mind went there. But that kind of ignorance, pretend or not, is so offensive.
Maybe they’re the kind of person (for the record, I am sometimes this kind of person) who says things that make more sense to them than to anyone else? It certainly doesn’t make sense to me!
“because Asians are in control of publishing”
Well, that’s a new one on me. As a member of the International Jewish Conspiracy, I am outraged that we’re being supplanted by the Asian community.
It’s ok, we’ve still got banking and Hollywood.
Phew! (goes back to casting for the next superhero franchise)
So, do we just pass our suggestions of what films we want to be made directly to you, or what?
That’s fine. I’ll bring any and all suggestions to the next monthly meeting.
I stumbled upon a ticket to Hamilton this weekend and OMG NICOLE IS RIGHT. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to the album before (which was really just blind luck)
I have a ticket for February and am resisting listening to the album too. Glad to get that decision validated! Plus, I can’t sit still and listen to something for three hours. I mean, unless it’s a car trip and everybody is on board about not talking. Anyway, excited for you!
The profiles of the very old really hit me hard. Assuming she makes it that long (never certain) my grandmother will be 105 at the end of the year. She is very fortunate to be able to afford care in a facility of her choice, but my mom and her friends still talk to/visit/run errands for her on a daily basis. My mom’s in her 70s and still fairly active but there are things she can’t do anymore either, and my brother who lives closest to them has health issues. Neither of us has kids, and I’m worried that I’ll be taking care of my mom and brother when I’m old.
Clearly the answer is to take to the sea.
There’s even a private cruise ship MS The World, which serves solely as a permanent residence for up to 200 people.
Not a link, just excitement: my girlfriend and I signed a lease! We’re moving into a place of our own, no roommates, and my cats can come from Australia! I’m so happy!!!
Congrats!! Moving is tough, and it’s wonderful to start settling in somewhere. No roommates is a lovely bonus as well. 😀
Some interesting points of convergence in the roundup today. I was orphaned when I was seven, and although I wasn’t put into terribly dire circumstances, I did have to go live with relatives in a family rife with alcoholic dysfunction, and would sometimes later tell people that my childhood was like Oliver Twist set in rural Wisconsin in the seventies. (That’s not really true–I never learned to pick pockets–but it was a way of framing my life without having to really think about it, which suited me at the time.) I also got into Pippi Longstocking at the time, because she had superhuman strength, effectively limitless wealth, and no adult supervision, all of which I strongly envied. (If I’d grown up a couple of decades later, I probably would have believed that I was Harry Potter for real.) As it was, I got to get away with being a free-range kid, which helped me survive said childhood. Ellen Page has nothing in particular to do with the above, except that she’s pretty awesome, and let’s just have this Trailer Park Boys link, even though I’m pretty sure I’ve posted it here before.
I love this article with Lin-Manuel Miranda: http://www.vulture.com/2015/10/lin-manuel-miranda…
LMM wants to film the cast of Hamilton doing its thing, some time this year! Also, when the MacArthur foundation was trying to reach him, he thought it was the cable company and kept not picking up.
Everything I learn about LMM makes him seem more like the perfect human being. Just saw the following twitter exchange from yesterday…
Rebeccamead_NYC: so at #NYerfest the one thing I really wanted to ask @Lin_Manuel about and didn’t get time to: his relationship to the Harry Potter books.
LMM: That would’ve been another 90 minutes. Thanks for a great chat!
I must hear his opinions now.
my husband isn’t a big musical theatre guy, but when I got home from the grocery store yesterday he had Hamilton on (because I put it in our amazon music library) and admitted it was awesome.
There’s even a private cruise ship MS The World, which serves solely as a permanent residence for up to 200 people.
That sounds awful and I'm sorry that's happening to you. To be clear, I'm saving for retirement like a mofo and I have long-term care insurance but I want a Plan B in place so I don't end up like my Gram (who was in great financial shape but trusted the wrong people because her brain was no longer working properly.)
Let’s talk about Nils Karlsson Pyssling and Bertil. I was so lonely as a child (and latchkey) like Bertil and that story just made my life a better place. If I see a little door for whatever reason, I always whisper Killevippen and touch it if I can.
Astrid Lindgren and the story about free range and CPS is quite an intersection.
Let's talk about Nils Karlsson Pyssling and Bertil. I was so lonely as a child (and latchkey) like Bertil and that story just made my life a better place. If I see a little door for whatever reason, I always whisper Killevippen and touch it if I can.
Astrid Lindgren and the story about free range and CPS is quite an intersection.
THE PUPPY. Ohhhhhh…
Sweet merciful Jesus