“MY WATER.”
What the fuck, Starks. The direwolves are like your own personal 90’s version of death row Suge Knight. Robb, the fuck you locking him up for? “Ooooh he gets really bloodthirsty and antsy.” …And? Muhfuckas out here choppin’ ya daddy’s head off on the block kid! Trust NO damn body. The North remembered that shit till the (Michael) Boltons came up in the spot with the fuck shit. Fuck shit has killed more people and especially direwolves in this series than… I can’t even finish the joke because I figuratively can’t think of anything else. Fuck shit is the leading cause of animal companion death in Westeros.
Ghost almost got fucking clipped on that shit too when Jon locked him away. Jon locked his boy up and got the acupuncture treatment to the abs. He came back to life and Ghost was lookin’ at him like, “And that’s what ya dumbass gets for putting me away. The fuck wrong with you, man. You think an oath gon’ stop fuckboys from doing fuck shit? Hell no! You know what stops them? Me and these fangs, and that Valyrian steel piece on your hip with me on the hilt. Lockin’ me up… must be out your fucking mind, man. I should howl at Nymeria to get me ’cause y’all on that dumb shit up here.”
Well this is just fantastic:
If seekers answer the questions incorrectly, they can be rejected for not being true converts. But if they answer correctly, they can be rejected for simply memorizing the correct thing to say.
“Christian convert asylum seekers are still being asked detailed factual ‘Bible trivia’ questions, which is too simplistic a way to judge if an individual is, for example, a genuine convert,” the report stated.
For example, Mohammed, a Christian convert from Iran, was asked what color the cover of the Bible was.
“I knew there were different colors,” he told the BBC. “The one I had was red. They asked me questions I was not able to answer—for example, what are the Ten Commandments. I could not name them all from memory.”
Franzoni and Brown went on to say that they envision actors like Leonardo DiCaprioplaying Rumi and Robert Downey Jr. playing Shams of Tabriz, a significant wandering dervish who altered Rumi’s life. “This is the level of casting that we’re talking about,” Brown told the Guardian, noting it was too early to begin casting.
Representatives for DiCaprio and Downey Jr. did not immediately reply to BuzzFeed’s emails asking if the actors would consider playing the roles should they be offered formally offered them.
AHH Celeste Ng shared this on Twitter, it’s six years old and FASCINATING:
My article on the world’s last four Shakers was at first only unusual because it was a rare glimpse into daily life at the Protestant monastic sect’s idyllic hilltop village in rural southern Maine. Never could I have imagined that that story, of all stories, would become the story behind the story of how I met, and eventually married, the long-sought love of my life.
Wayne Smith was one of the Shakers I profiled, whom I initially knew as Brother Wayne. Seven months after we met, he renounced his religious vocation and vow of celibacy after 26 years at the Sabbathday Lake community to pursue our relationship. It was 2006, and he was 43. “Sometimes you just know,” he says, tapping his heart, “here.”
(settles in with a cup of tea):
In 1968, John sold his share in his corporation, and he and Barbara used that money (over $1 million today) as the down payment for their “perfect civilization,” their New Sexual Utopia. They soon found the ideal property: 15 secluded acres way up a winding dirt road in Topanga Canyon, close to Malibu and just far enough from the city. (The Monkees had tried to purchase the place, but the deal fell through.) With a multi-bedroom main house, two guest cottages, and a separate structure that contained an Olympic-size swimming pool, this was the bourgeois free-love compound they’d been dreaming of.
The couple set about engineering the right mood. Barbara decorated the 60-foot-long living room on the main floor with plush carpeting, velvet sofas, a crystal chandelier, giant ferns, and floor-to-ceiling curtains—everything in natural tones, everything designed to feel good on naked skin, and only the most flattering lighting. In the large basement, complete with massive fireplace, they covered the floor with a collection of mattresses and waterbeds. They christened this space the “ballroom”—you know, for balling. And in the final stroke in their return to nature, the Williamsons removed all the doors, converting the bathroom on the main level into a kind of thoroughfare. “There was no backstage at Sandstone,” Barbara writes. “Whatever anyone did was done openly in front of everyone else. I always felt that constant exposure made it virtually impossible to be dishonest.”
I never listen to podcasts but I wanted to see if Mallory would mention me also her voice is so enchanting.
The PRESUMPTION of people never ceases to amaze me. I have a lovely dad and we didn’t do any of this stuff because we would both have literally died of awkwardness, you do you:
Q. Father-daughter dance dilemma: My father and I had a falling out several years ago and haven’t spoken since. I’ve met a wonderful man who makes me happy, and we are planning on marrying next year. I don’t foresee my father making any moves to mend the bridge between the two of us anytime soon, but the more planning that goes into this wedding and the more I hear, “Who will walk you down the aisle?” and “Are you really not having a father-daughter dance?” the more it eats away at me. Should I invite a man who so willingly wrote me out of his life to the best day of mine, as some sort of olive branch, or should I continue to plan our day without him?
well, you’ve convinced me:
……not sure the phrases “yes sir” or “no sir” actually appear in the Bible, sir.
…but they’re not fun and games, I guess? Like the bible or something?
I only have fun and play games based on the Bible. It’s a laugh and a half, I can tell you.
You just winged him. He became a Unitarian.
Is…this a real thing you can buy?
It is! It is, in fact, sitting in room at the parish hall where a group I am in meets regularly.
Is the community chest, like, cards full of diocesan grants and vestry budgeting concerns?
I confess that I have not actually played it. Every time I suggest it, everyone around me is like, no, really, you don’t even understand how terrible an idea that is. But I assume it must be!
I can’t even express in words how much I love this thread, but…wow, I love this thread so much. <3
It’s probably so terrible an idea that it wraps around to become an awesome idea.
My housemates talk about it fondly! (I live in a religiously oriented co-op owned by the episcopal diocese, so there is that.)
Ok, I’m almost positive I remember you having a real ID account, but I don’t trust my own memory at all. Am I hallucinating? Did you change your status? Let’s all ponder the existential implications of “name attached to account” vs. “name attached to the same person, but anonymous.”
“Episcopopoly” sounds like a very uncomfortable medical procedure. But at least there’ll be incense?
Clearly that commenter didn’t grow up playing CAPTAIN BIBLE
Christian superheroes and videogames are like Christian rock: there’s just something that they don’t get about the genre and/or medium.
I had mad envy of my (Catholic) best friend in childhood, because her faith had multiple superheroes.
I have an unholy love for those statuettes of Jesus playing sports.
That is inappropriate behaviour, Jesus.
… what the hell is that? That’s terrifying.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye for an eye.
Then it’s just a game: Find the Eye!
And you have to sweep the whole house from top to bottom; when you find the eye, you throw a party and invite all of your friends, saying “rejoice with me, for I have found my eye that was lost.”
I love you.
Make sure you have enough wine for all those people, though. The good stuff, not the bad stuff.
See, this is why I never got that parable. Regaining one silver coin, then throwing a huge feast, results in the loss of further silver coins. This is not good household budgeting.
My religiously-educated friends tell me that this is an example of one of Jesus’ many jokes, but then I can’t figure out how it fits the moral.
I read that comment as a joke but who really knows
“And unto you a man child will be born.”
And Mary said, “Yes, sir, Mister Angel Gabriel, sir.”
Mary was recruited into God’s Army as a gestation specialist.
I’m cry-laughing over that comment at work. I love it so much.
Off-topic: I am having difficulty reconciling my own personal support of HRC, as a white woman in my mid-30s, with the anti-HRC sentiments of a number of my friends who are black activists and also under 25. How can I be a good ally right now?
I think part of being a good ally is knowing when to step out & listen. You don’t have to have a response or insert yourself into their conversation. Take note of points that are being made, reflect upon how you can incorporate information you’re getting from your friends into your actions, etc.
But we don’t all have to be on the same page at the same time. As latina woman (redundant, but to be clear) I’m ecstatic right now. Not everyone in my circle of friends will be though. We’re all coming from different political background, we have different lived experiences, etc. etc. So the respectful thing to do, I think, is listen. Share your enthusiasm with other people who are feeling it too. And then think about and pay tribute to the other activists and politicians, Shirley Chisholm springs to mind, but there have been many, many more women who have also helped to pave the way for a female candidate of a major party to have a genuine shot at the presidency.
And if you’re feeling tunnel vision, think about another cause, maybe local, that’s affecting others and through your weight or privilege behind that, in a way that’s respectful to the organizers on the ground.
I’d be happy to hear more tips! But that’s how I’ve been rolling today.
Thank you; this is excellent advice and I will take it to heart.
I think what I am worried about is that I “came out” as a Clinton supporter on social media because I was so tired of the misogyny and conspiracy theories I was seeing from many (white, usually male) Bernie supporters– and I didn’t realize that vocalizing that support might be a slap in the face to other friends who are POC and oppose Hillary for what I am sure are valid reasons.
I think if someone has a problem with your making one post on your own social media about your support of the candidate of your choice, then that is their problem, not yours.
Heartily agreed! If I made it sound like I don’t think it’s appropriate to be clear why you support a candidate, that’s my bad! I think it’s perfectly reasonable, and useful in the democratic process, to express support for a candidate and outline policy reasons why you have given that support.
I just meant to say that if the OP is concerned about friends who might be feeling frustrated or disappointed, she might want to consider saving jubilant stuff for a group text among friends who are also pumped.
No worries! I didn’t get that impression from your comment at all. I was referring to the “I ‘came out’ as a Clinton supporter on social media” and “I didn’t realize that vocalizing that support might be a slap in the face to other friends who are POC” bits. I think this is one of those times when it’s okay to agree to disagree. Heck, I’ve got a bit of that going on in my own home right now, although we’re both gonna vote for whomever is on the Dem ticket.
It is abundantly clear today how few people out there on social media are operating under this theory. GET WITH CLEVERMANKA’S PROGRAM. 🙂
Getting with Clevermanka’s program is never a bad choice.
It’s a perfectly fair thing to support Hillary for president publicly. That’s not a bad thing as long as your arguments or statements aren’t dismissive of anyone else. You can support her without saying more. Just listen and don’t argue with someone else’s concerns, sadness, etc. Be respectful and give them space and don’t say anything beyond general support if that’s the atmosphere of your social media space.
I just don’t want to be that white lady who’s like, “YAY, LEMONADE, #FLAWLESS, etc” and then votes against the interest of black women. You know?
Eventually, maybe after the convention, when everyone has come to terms with the fact that the choice is Trump or Clinton, if you want to have the conversation you can gently ask which of those two is least worst.
Heaven knows, we’ve all voted for someone we didn’t care for because the alternative was horrifying!
But not yet. Everyone needs a cooling-off period first.
Wow, I think “gently” asking “who is the least worst” to politically aware Black adults– or really any adults!– is staggeringly condescending.
I kind of don’t jive with the premise that HRC is a “vote against the interest of black women.” It should go without saying that she is not 100% beloved by 100% of all black women. But my first response is that treating HRC as an exclusively white lady win undermines the *many* young (and not young!) black women activists and citizens who support her for their own valid reasons. Imani Gandy and Ashley Ford come to mind immediately but also Geneva Reed-Veal, Sybrina Fulton, and Gwen Carr, and there are so many more!
It’s more than possible–it is essential–to listen and care for and advocate for the very real concerns of your friends who are not feeling this moment. But it might also help to listen to the worldviews and activism of those also see themselves in HRC, yet don’t share your experiences.
Fully agreed with this. In addition, she wouldn’t be where she is today without her connections to the Latinx activist (and hell, to be real, establishment too) community, which helped cement her wins in New York, Texas, Puerto Rico and elsewhere. The Obama coalition is probably what makes me proudest of the democratic party, and Clinton showed her ability to reach out to and appeal to that network. She didn’t do it alone by a loooooooooooong shot.
That premise also gives Bernie Sanders WAY too much credit for representing the interests of black women.
This is an important point.
This was actually one of the first reasons I felt I couldn’t get behind him.
I can personally report that one of my grad school classmates, a black woman in her mid-twenties, is one of Hillary Clinton’s policy advisers. But my classmate being there doesn’t mean she represents all black women, and not all people care about all things equally, and HRC cannot possibly be all things to everyone.
I would like to say as a black woman, that not all black women are Bernie supporters. A lot of us are happily chilling with Hillz. And my entire FB feed is Beyonce. Soon ti will be Beyonce and me in my bright yellow Hillary tee.
If you *genuinely believe* that voting for Hillary is a vote against the interest of black women, then you’re either going to have to not vote for her or accept that you are voting against the interest of black women. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t say on social media.
If your basis for believing that voting for Hillary is a vote against the interests of black women is strictly that some black people have said so (i.e., NOT because you were persuaded by their actual arguments), I would gently suggest that as a voter you really do have to use your own best judgment. You don’t have to be obnoxious about your disagreement. You don’t have to invade other people’s space to proclaim your disbelief. You don’t have to get defensive if others say you are wrong, even if they impugn your motives. But you do have a vote, and you’re supposed to use it to the best of your ability.
Thank you for that. It’s hard to find a balance between “listen to the voices of POC who have experiences you can’t fully understand” and “analyze the facts and history of the candidate and her policies on your own and draw your own conclusions.” Despite her history, I can’t find anything in HRC’s CURRENT policies that seems to seek to undermine women of color, or even that would have that unintended effect.
Please note.
I mean if you’re going to stake your political leanings on what makes your Facebook friends the least mad, I don’t know if you’ll ever find someone to vote for. Social media is a morass of despair and if you don’t like having frustrating, out-of-context arguments you should feel free to just not get into these things online. And remember that “disagreeing with your friends” is not the same as rejecting the entire demographic they belong to. Polling really doesn’t bear out the idea that supporting Hillary is the sole province of white ladies.
Also: the good news is that this will largely resolve itself as the race goes on, and soon enough you will all be united in horror at Donald Trump.
I had to give very similar advice to a friend recently. And I totally get it—where maybe five or six years ago social media kind of felt a bit flimsy to me, an extension of the communication mediums already in place, a way to keep in touch with people I went to boarding school with but hadn’t seen since, nowadays social media has completely inundated (and, thanks to this, has at least in some way affected) our lives. And it’s easy to feel like a leaf caught in a windstorm when it comes to issues like questioning your choice of presidential candidate. Have a lot of friends who’ve recently wavered on both candidates: Sanders supporters not impressed with the Bernie Bros, #bernieorbust, etc.; Clinton supporters not impressed by the “super predator” remark, her political career, etc. (I like and respect both candidates, for different reasons, and it should go without saying that either one is a far sight better than Trump.)
That said, there is a part of me that is truly unnerved by both the infighting (sometimes very, very ugly infighting) among Democrats in the face of Trump, and the support that Trump is getting on the political right. Pretty sure it was Samantha Bee who showed a clip of a political analyst warning early on that Trump might get a lot more support than people gave him credit for, with the news anchors laughing at this, saying basically, “Hilarious. We know you don’t believe that.”
And while they’ve been proven wrong… I’m still not sure how they were wrong. Or how the media will literally cover an empty Trump podium (MSNBC and Brian Williams covered an empty stage, with people fussing with North Dakota flags waiting for Trump… for a very, very long time) instead of Hillary Clinton giving a speech on immigration and other policies.
Trump is a bad joke, and the coverage he has received almost across the board (even the New Yorker is hitting about .733 when it comes to daily coverage of Trump) isn’t making any of us look all that much better.
I get it, Trump-as-spectacle is a ratings machine, and maybe even Barthes would be interested in viewing this spectacle for a bit, but… seriously? The fact that there has probably been a board meeting at a media company in the last few months where someone has at least had the thought “Thank the almighty Heavens and all the various deities for Trump, the ratings and clickbait monster that he is!” is truly horrifying to me.
It’s not like the Wu-Tang Clan didn’t try to warn me when I was younger. C.R.E.A.M.
We should never have ignored the Cassandra-like prophecies of the Wu-Tang Clan.
there are secret underground hillary clubs on facebook, if you want a separate space to kvell in joy without offending anyone! i’m part of one, and it’s ridiculous and the best.
I’d like to know more about these…
hi! forgot to reply! the one i am in is called #undergroundhillaryclub and it is run by carmen rios. i straight-up fb messaged her and asked to join.
I too am interested in the deets…
hi! forgot to reply! the one i am in is called #undergroundhillaryclub and it is run by carmen rios. i straight-up fb messaged her and asked to join.
OK I fb messaged carmen rios #dying
This is perhaps only tangentially related, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can work long-term to make our country better after this election, both counteracting the fascist strain I’ve been seeing in Trump supporters and to push Clinton/hold her to her promises. I support her, but she’s not a perfect candidate (no one is!). Obviously, I have not figured this out, but maybe that kind of thinking/volunteering/activism is something you could do.
As for a more direct response to your question, I would second the vote in favor of really listening to people’s concerns.
This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about, too. I’d love to be posting more on social media about THIS (activism people can get involved in) than the election itself. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m here for it.
Voter registration! That’s a nice one for extroverts, in particular. Ditto canvassing and phone banking for local candidates (school board, city council, that type of stuff). That can be quite fun because often those elections are decided by a few thousand votes. I had friends sign up to be pollworkers during the 2008 cycle, and that was rewarding (although, to be honest, boring as well) since having well staffed polling places helps keeps lines down and voting times short. They were students at the time though, with much more free time than I’ve ever had. My grandmother was a huge proponent of getting involved by writing letters to her representatives and sometimes she’d just go down to the capitol to have a chat in person. She also helped campaign for Bella Abzug back in the day, so she’s got chops.
There are lots of legal aid organizations as well that do voting rights challenges. Southern Poverty Law Center springs to mind (saw this on their front page when I popped over to check: https://www.splcenter.org/news/2016/06/01/louisia… but there are lots of others.
Also, a lot will depend on what state you’re in. On the off chance it’s Texas, here’s an org that does voter registration: http://www.battlegroundtexas.com/ But there are tons more opportunities to get involved.
Oh man, it literally just occurred to me that I COULD BE A POLLWORKER and save everyone else in my precinct the misery I endure every time I go to vote and end up in line with a pollworker who takes a full three minutes to locate my name in the alphabet. I’m GREAT at the alphabet!
And become the Giver of I Voted Stickers. It’s a position of awesome power.
At this point in the election cycle I think it’s easy for people to forget that there are multiple valid ways to perceive Clinton and her campaign. Both supporters and opponents make compelling points. One can hold strong opinions about her, or Sanders for that matter, while having respect for friends who don’t share those views.
I 110% think that Clinton would be a better candidate for all underrepresented people, including young people and people of colour. She has consistently listened to them and presented truly intersectional policies in a way that sanders hasn’t.
Also, it’s important to note that she has gotten waaaay more votes from communities of colour than he has and there’s a reasonfor that.
And reasonable people can disagree! It’s possible to support HRC while still feeling that there are areas she can do better in. It’s all about how you have those discussions and being open to listening.
I’m a 24-year-old woman of color who voted for HRC, if that makes you feel any better. Also, overall, black voters voted disproportionately for HRC, which I mean obviously don’t SAY that to your friends (I’m sure you weren’t planning to anyway), but I really don’t think you need to feel bad about your preferences. In terms of how to interact with your friends, maybe you guys don’t actually need to talk about the election right now? I just got back from a queer retreat thing where we were encouraged not to discuss the election, and honestly it made the whole experience SO much more enjoyable. If your friends bring it up first, maybe just express your sympathy and leave it at that — we all know what it feels like to experience political disappointment, so I feel sympathy for Sanders supporters even though I’m not one of them.
You’ve already received replies that are much more thoughtful than anything I could say, but I thought that this article provided a good explanation of why Sanders didn’t get the votes from all (or even most) young minorities. FWIW, I’m a minority woman, but I am in my mid-30s, so I can’t really claim any firsthand knowledge of the thoughts of young minorities.
The idea of Leonard DiCaprio playing Rumi is utterly laughable, horrible, and bizarre… so it will almost definitely happen. Thanks, Hollywood.
Toasties, I am waiting to hear whether or not I’ve been offered a job I (second) interviewed
for last week. When I’m feeling reasonably ok I feel like I can do the work and conquer the learning curve that comes at the beginning of any new job. But when I’m depressed I feel like it’s a terrible idea and I’d be biting off more than I can chew. I ricochet between these two feelings constantly, and not knowing if it’s a decision I even need to make is driving me crazy. Is this Schrodinger’s Job Offer? I’m not very good at Not Knowing.
Also I’m sick of dealing with depression and I wish it was something none of us had to deal with ever again.
I had something similar some time ago. I don’t have much advice other than breaking down the reasons why you’re worried and the reasons why you want the job. If you can, do it with a friend (or a friendly Toastie, you’re welcome to talk my ear off) because they can help you figure out which reasons are legit and acknowledge that and help you brainstorm.
Oh man, I am here for you on the no more depression front.
But the key thing to remember at times like these is that depression is a LIAR. Depression is an unreliable narrator. It twists facts around and manipulates your perception and can’t be trusted.
You CAN do it. <3
I suck at the not knowing too. I hear you! I’m looking for a job too and I want one, I want to be able to support myself. And then those doubts creep in and I wonder if I can do it.
Keep in mind that you got to the interview stage! Your resume stood out enough for that to happen.
Good luck! (And yes, depression is terrible and should disappear.)
WHY IS THE FIRST SHAKER ARTICLE BEHIND A PAYWALL. It’s been like ten years!
Noooo! I’d just moved seats so that I could sit in my mum’s Shaker rocking chair while I read it.
I’ve been reading Shaker-related stuff all week and I was SO READY FOR THIS and then.
I want to read about the shakers too! I pass them every time I go to my grandmothers and they once let me use their bathroom to replace my contact when it fell out while I was drying.
We used to pass it on drives near my grandmother’s place, too!
Plot twist: you have the same grandmother!
Lemme know if you want it. Because I really wanted to read it so I checked if the Boston Public Library had access to the archives. And they sure do! I’ve got a pdf now. #allhaillibraries
I got access through my local (not Boston) library, also!
It has a picture of Brother Arnold! I like him. I want to know how they’re all doing!
But seriously though, take better care of your dang direwolves, Starks.
tbh, I think the #1 reason I kept reading those books was to see if Nymeria popped back up to avenge the North at Arya’s side.
#waitingforNymeria
Actual standalone text I sent a few weeks ago: “Those fucking fuckers need to stop fucking killing direwolves.”
I’m still holding out secret hope that Ned only pretended to kill Lady and let her go, and Lady and Nymeria have started a matriarchal clan of bad-ass she-wolf-witches and are terrorizing the Riverlands together with their many daughters.
You’d think they’d be more focused on keeping their only completely trustworthy allies alive.
At least in the books Summer is still alive *cries*. Plus I’m really, really hoping that someday Arya and Nymeria meet up again and lead an angry, avenging army of wolves.
Well I mean Ned did say he wasn’t gonna help take care of them, this is what happens, I guess.
All the ‘Daddy/Daughter’ stuff about weddings icks me out to no end. I have no intention of my father being a part of my wedding, or even my life ever again, and I am so looking forward to strutting my ass down the aisle all on my own in a ridiculous dress with big hair, because then all the attention is on me and what I’ve done with my life and how I’m choosing to join my life with someone.
That sounds awesome
I need to have this party right now. Who else still has their wedding dress?
I’ll come! Let’s do it!
I do but we’re gonna have to gaff-tape me into it because I am no longer the same shape as when I got married. Which was 30 years ago, so yanno, clearly it did a good job.
Yep. I really should wear it to the grocery store sometime…
Seconded
Before she died a few years ago, a friend’s mom dressed up in her wedding dress every Halloween to open the door for all the kids in our little town — nearly all of them, really, because they adored her so much. She was awesome in every way and the kids ate it up. She ran a fantastically popular preschool, promoted the arts (especially music), would “magically” turn all her schoolkids’ tears into pearls, and always gave out full candy bars on her favorite holiday. Such a treasure. I didn’t wear a traditional big fancy white dress on my day but if I had I would be sorely tempted to follow in her glorious footsteps.
I picture something like this:
My neighbor came to our annual Halloween party one year wearing her wedding dress, with zombie makeup. She kept asking “Have you seen my groom?” in a super creepy voice and it scared the bejeezus out of everyone 🙂
Love this. If a garment is going to cost prodigious gobs of money, why not get some more mileage out of it than one day???
That half-season episode of Sherlock (The Abominable Bride?) scared the SHIT out of me specifically because of the wedding dress/zombie-ish makeup combo.
A friend of mine wore hers for cosplay. Lots of characters get married, after all.
At the last wedding I went to, there were so many of those ‘Daddy/Daughter’ moments that made me feel like there was a giant blinking sign reading “PATRIARCHY” overhead. It really motivated me to think through the list of traditions I would not be carrying on at a hypothetical wedding. (And my dad and I are close! But we can celebrate that by going on hikes together or drinking beer together, not by having him symbolically hand me over like property!)
I think if you really have a bond with your father and you want to share part of your day with him, go for it. But if you’re just doing it because its the ‘done thing’ the GTFO with your patriarchal bullshit.
Personally I feel like being ‘handed off’ by someone would be insulting, even if it was my mother or brother, because it implies that they have been ‘looking after’ me until my husband stepped in. Which is bollox because nobody raised me except me; I’m a grown ass independent woman, and should I choose to share my life with someone that’s where I am coming from, not as some property to be traded between men.
I’m sort of considering having my dad walk me down the aisle when I get married next year, just because being the center of attention freaks me out.
Also, I’m slowly losing my vision, so if the doctors don’t get this managed, I might *need* someone to walk beside me.
I had my dad walk me down the aisle and I personally really liked it. I know the idea behind the tradition is that he’s “giving me away” but that’s not really what it felt like and not the idea that I had behind it. To me, he was there to support me and celebrate the commitment I was making. The little supportive hand squeeze he gave me right before the wedding started, is actually one of my favourite moments of the day.
I had my dad do the same, and it was really sweet to have the moment with him. He talked to me about surfing, an interest we share, and it was really cool to be able to just relax as we did the walk.
I hadn’t planned a dance together, but it turned out he had taught himself to waltz in a Yukon fire tent, from an article in Popular Mechanic, in order to surprise me, so I went with it.
DADS!
A friend of mine had both parents walk her down the aisle. Her husband’s parents stood up with him at the top of the aisle. Just saying, it doesn’t have to be only your father.
That is a really nice solution. I like that it finds a way to acknowledge the groom’s parents, as well as both of the bride’s, mother and father.
At many Jewish weddings, both the bride and the groom are walked down the aisle by both parents.
We BOTH had our parents walk us down the aisle. A parent on each arm. It was lovely and we all cried.
We did too! It was so great!
This is what I plan to do, if/when.
My brother got married last year and both he and his wife did this, more of a symbol of recognizing the parents than of giving anyone away. It was especially beautiful because her parents are long-separated and estranged (it’s… complicated, by which I mean they are making it complicated) and the wedding weekend was the first time they’d been in the same space at the same time for YEARS. Somehow they managed to put their crap aside for one day to be at her wedding and it was very meaningful to her.
I would probably have to do something similar because while I think that patriarchal ritual is bullshit, I know that deep down in his heart of hearts my dad would be pretty bummed if he didn’t get to walk me down the aisle so I’ll just have to add my mom. Not that I’m in any current danger of getting married.
Yeah, this is Jewish tradition, and we did it and I loved it. Both of us, both parents.
My husband and I walked each other down the aisle, which was very nice (and a good reflection of our transition, which was more a “cement partnership” thing than a “life transition” thing. There are lots of options!
I also super did not want to walk down that aisle solo. I am not someone who likes to have everybody looking at me, and especially not just to, like, admire how beautiful and bridal I am. So in that sense, having my dad with me (I wanted to do both parents but we couldn’t all three fit in the aisle) was a huge, enormous relief, even though part of me was rebelling against the patriarchy of it all.
We did not, however, do a father/daughter dance because that just would have been extra looking at me.
If I ever had a wedding (unlikely) I would want both my parents to walk me down the isle (same for my hypothetical husband). I would do the father-daughter dance only because my father is an enormous sap and that seems like the best time to have him crying all over the place. (I love him dearly, but he is hands down the most emotional person in our otherwise pretty stoic family).
I am getting married in October- and both my parents are walking me down the aisle. 🙂 and instead of “giving me away” we are having all of our parents pray a blessing over our marriage- which felt a little less patriarchal.
That is lovely.
Ugh, yeah, I don’t get that daddy-daughter wedding stuff. Beyond the idea of a woman being property to pass along, it all feels weirdly Freudian.
For sure. My dad and I are close too, but he did not walk me down the aisle, nor did we have a special daddy/daughter dance (although I think I did dance with him briefly – tbh it’s all a bit of a blur now!). I mean, obviously rich tapestry and all, clearly some people are getting something out of it that I did not. But it’s really not on for people to EXPECT that and then give you shit about it.
My husband made it clear that he wouldn’t accept me from my dad at the altar because I wasn’t property (and hadn’t lived at my dad’s house for 8 years). My parents were part of the procession, and my husband and I walked up and down the aisle together. It felt really symbolic and hopeful to be holding his hand as we walked up to be married, facing our future together.
(My dad and I did have a first dance, though, to “Your Song” by Elton John. He got antsy and cut in on Mr. Bitters and me at the end of our first dance song. Peak My Dad – miss you, Dad. xo)
+100000.
There were SOOOOO many wedding “traditions” that made me shudder: the daddy-daughter dance, his walking me down the aisle, the bouquet toss, the garter thing, the smash-cake-in-new-spouse’s-face, the cast of thousands in a bridal party. For many reasons, I’m glad I waited until I was 37 to get married, because I was older and confident and felt comfortable shrieking NO at anyone who gave me pushback on my decisions.
Oh god, the garter thing.
I had only attended Jewish weddings until I was in college, so I had never heard of the garter thing until it was performed at a friend’s wedding, and I was just pearl-clutchingly shocked by it.
wait, what’s the issue with the cake smash? We are considering doing it (wedding in Sept) but if there’s weird tradition to it, I’ll reconsider
For me it would be sadistic and rude: mess up my wedding day hair and makeup, get frosting all over his nice shirt and jacket (DH rocked the kilt) for the sake of some cheap laughs? Might be silly and fun-loving for some but it didn’t work for us.
By “tradition” I meant customary at many American weddings, not necessarily rooted in uncomfortable history.
Ha, on the subject of the “cast of thousands in a bridal party” thing, there was a piece in the Guardian about types of wedding which included “the American wedding”: “There are 27 bridesmaids and groomsmen, the only requirement for such a role being that you once stood in an airport boarding queue next to one of the happy couple and offered them a tissue when they sneezed.” http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/…
I highly recommend listening to “I Love My Daughter (But Not in a Creepy Way” from Crazy-Ex Girlfriend, which touches on giving daughters away at weddings (and other weird, weird ways we expect men to talk about their daughters).
Yay- Lunch Break material!!!!
I would LOVE to know from someone who has been married and danced with their dad if they also danced with their mom, and if not, why not. also, if they married a man, did he dance with both his parents or just one, which one, and why not the other one.
I know the answers I just want to hear them out loud in excruciating explanatory detail for the horror of all
Sure. I did this. My husband danced with his mom and I danced with my dad (simultaneously to cut down the time in he spotlight). Why? Because it wasn’t all about us. Our parents are more traditional, the idea of dancing with the same-sex parent as well would have weirded them out, and sometimes personal feelings matter more than making a political statement. I ditched things that really bugged me, eg the garter toss, but let’s not get excited about how much of it really matters. It’s just a single day, and most of the symbolism is well divorced from reality by now.
Yep, agree, exactly my take on it. What my mom wanted out of the wedding was the opportunity to fuss over napkin colors and tent buntings and floral arrangements and Dad just wanted the dance. I was totally happy to give them those experiences. If I’d forced my mom to dance with her daughter or my dad to advise on invitation enclosures to satisfy my desire for balance? They’d have thought the fabric of the damn universe had been rent.
However: garter toss, announcement of “The New Mr. & Mrs.”? OMG NFW.
Also, my dad is the classic engineer type, very not schmaltzy or emotive. His feelings come out in weird ways. Eg, I have two sisters who died as babies of birth defects and he never talks about them — but he started making his own wine a few years ago and named his ‘label’ after them. So when he wanted to walk me down the aisle, I saw that not as a symbol of ownership, but as him finding a socially proscribed way to demonstrate his feelings. I’ll take it.
DADS
ETA not intending to minimize the difficulty of the lost babies. More commenting on the dadly-channeled feelings and the “making his own wine.”
Haha, totally, it is the most Dad thing ever.
That’s a really sweet way to honor his daughters! I love that he’s processing his grief in his own way.
100% agree with this. You Do You and “sometimes personal feelings matter more than making a political statement” is how I approached my wedding and, FWIW, the question of whether to change my last name. (Spoiler: I did. I don’t think I was succumbing to the patriarchy. I was making a choice that was right for me.)
I had both my parents walk me down the aisle, because that’s what I wanted. My husband walked his mom down the aisle with his dad right behind them, because that’s what the three of them wanted. We did opposite-gender parent dances because that’s what our parents wanted and because there were other ways that we’d recognized my mom/his dad throughout the day.
Side note: in the many many East Asian Christian weddings I’ve attended, including my own, the ceremony has included an “honoring of the parents” in which the couple presented each set of parents with flowers and bowed to/hugged them to thank them for the role they played in their lives & relationship. This is obviously not for everyone, but if you’re looking for an egalitarian way to honor parents of all genders, this is an option!
When my Dad married my Stepmom a few years back, they acknowledged and honored her parents and then, since my paternal grandparents are deceased, put 2 white roses on 2 empty chairs to signify honoring his parents. NOT A DRY EYE IN THE HOUSE I TELL YA
I don’t have a dry eye right now. That’s so sweet.
Most of the weddings I have been to that had a father/daughter dance also had a mother/son dance
Hmmmm…yeah so I danced with my dad, and my husband danced with his mom, and the reasons were…complicated. With my husband, he found it all a bit weird and might not have done it, but his mom was very into it and also his parents had divorced recently (and his dad had gotten remarried already). She was very excited about our wedding and wanted to embrace tradition and be happy. His dad made a video of the wedding and stayed in the background (as is his wont).
Me on the other hand…my dad and I are close in a non-creepy way, and I have very good memories of dancing with him to Joni Mitchell’s “Carey” as a little girl. So even though you could take it as a very weird song to dance to with your actual dad (seeing as it’s about a romantic relationship, and kind of weird fling at that), it’s one that’s specifically tied to our relationship, and I wanted to acknowledge it.
However, by the end of the wedding I was really sad that I hadn’t arranged something special to acknowledge my mother. I’m not sure what that would have been though. We love each other but it’s very complicated. It’s a damn shame we haven’t invented a ritual for this.
I’ve always wondered if there wasn’t a public ritual about the bride’s mom because we expect her to either be crying or in the middle of a whisper-fight with the caterer/florist/bartender/fire department representative showing up with valid concerns.
Good point. God, we really expect a lot out of women. Men just get the ceremonial duties.
I think I had friend who had her mom play a part in her wedding, but not one I would have enjoyed. She had had a quincenera, and part of it had been “giving her virginity to the Virgin Mary to safeguard” (yiiiikes), and there was apparently a little ceremony during the wedding to um, give it back. And that somehow involved her parents, I think? I missed it, but my parents were there and told me about it. I shudder to think about it.
Uh, that’s …different. And I’m Catholic. I have seen several Catholic weddings with a special part for venerating Mary but that was both the bride and the groom the way I remember it. But now that you mention it the tradition of leaving part of the bridal bouquet at the feet of a statue of Mary does have a certain well, end-of-virginity reference feel to it. It has never been explicit though I don’t think. And besides, she’s a patron of mothers too so not just virgins. But frankly it wouldn’t surprise me.
Yes to all the work women are expected to do to make events for people. Dudes just show up. Well, okay, they show up and they do the heavy lifting. They just don’t make gift bags or pew bows. (I made pew bows for my bother and sister-in-law’s wedding and it was so much fun but I really am glad I don’t have to do that again.)
seriously, why not dance with one’s mama? It is cute and would be touching. And a nice compliment to said mama.
Not a critique of anyone who didn’t, or didn’t think of it — public dancing with either parent is certainly not everybody’s thing. Just surprise that this would be in any way a big deal to anybody, particularly ladies of older generations, as long as the mother liked to dance in general. There is a long history of ladies dancing with other ladies for fun, when there’s not enough men around or just because they are fond of the other lady — it is not a particularly surprising thing to do.
I danced a bit of a slow dance with my dad (I think) and danced with my mom, although that was more of a group setting sort of thing. My mom LOVES dancing, especially anything in a disco/funk/good beat style, and in fact my fav pic from our wedding is a candid of my mom and her best friend rocking out! And my husband danced with his mom. We didn’t do organized parent/child dances, so it’s a little different, but both of our dads are not fond of dancing, and neither is my husband, so obviously even the non-traditionalness aside, my husband and his dad were never going to dance together and my dad only danced a single dance with my mom even though they are very happily married, basically as a favor to her.
I get your point about the patriarchal/heteronormative implications of partner dancing with parents at the wedding, though.
My dad is a ballroom dancer, and even more of a performer/show off than I am, so if I deny him that dance I’d feel downright mean!
I’ve been to several weddings where the bride was raised by a single mother, and they’ve almost all included a daughter/mom dance. The most recent one (the wedding of my high school bff to an extremely apathetic dude I’m not overly fond of) saw the bride and her mom doing a spotlight dance to Come Sail Away by Styx. It was awesome.
And just for the record, most of these brides also had their moms walk them down the aisle, although one or two of them did go it alone.
I’m far from being married but I already have a bit of anxiety about this because I strongly suspect my dad will want or expect those things, and I already know that I basically want no part of them. We’ve never talked about it, but I have a feeling he’s traditional enough to expect my future husband to ask for his permission before proposing, and the idea of that actually happening or being taken seriously is almost bizarre to me . My dad is the type to take things like this very personally and get all dramatic and annoying when something doesn’t go his way, so I’m kind of already bracing myself.
If it makes you more comfortable, you could have your fiance ask your father for his blessing rather than permission?
Oh, man. Been there. Hang tough and stand up for what *you* want. Don’t be afraid to change things from tradition to reflect your and your fiance’s relationship. *toasthugs*
My sister’s now-husband asked my dad for permission, and my dad said he really struggled to keep a straight face, while the rest of us giggled hysterically inside. I had never really thought about that tradition before (my husband certainly didn’t do it, but it’s also not like we had considered it), and it suddenly seemed FAR more absurd now that it was really happening.
My dad’s bluegrass band was invited to the reception (the actual ceremony was too far away for family/friends to attend) and bless their hearts, they decided to play the reception instead. Which was wonderful, but also super awkward when they took it upon themselves to play a version of Tennessee Waltz that seemed to last for twenty freaking minutes while my poor unprepared dad and I awkwardly danced around an empty floor and everyone watched.
I kind of don’t want anyone to walk me down the aisle if I ever get married because, <deep breath for honesty> I think it looks weirdly lopsided when it’s just the dad and crowded when it’s both of them. I think I may have both my parents flank me like bodyguards.
Can you also get them to carry halberds and glare aggressively? I feel like that should be part of it!
That would be way fun.
I love my dad, but I’m not doing and dad-daughter stuff. He’s not walking me down the aisle because there will be no aisle walk (before there ceremony I’ll just… already be there, eating hors d’oeuvres like everybody else). My partner wants to do a first dance together, so I will because it’s his wedding too, but I don’t want any first dances with parents because I feel weird about it.
Anyway, my dear dad is quietly hurt about both. I mostly only hear about it from my mom. I finally asked him how he felt about it and he was like, well, it’s your wedding, but do you think it’s okay if I still wear a tux?
I feel sad that I’ve made him sad, but I don’t want dad-daughter stuff!
Perhaps you can figure out some surprise way of honoring each of the parents during the ceremony or the reception (that doesn’t specifically involve the father-daughter relationship) and he’ll be touched enough to outweigh the hurt?
The journalist/Shaker story was adorable. I hope they’re still happy and doing well…*sigh*
How am I going to find stories like the one about Barbara Williamson when we don’t have Link Roundup anymore? I know everyone has already asked that, but I’m asking again, HOW? I would love to make a links list like this (probably weekly, not daily), but I don’t even know where to start looking. Seriously, asking for real. Help.
I can’t answer your question, and I am just settling in to read it, but I thought I should point out this bit of the byline: Alex Mar, author of the book Witches of America…
Ann Friedman has a pretty good Link Roundup sort of thing in her weekly newsletter!
I subscribed! Thank you!
So that one is from Longreads, and that’s a great place to check as they are always sharing and finding stuff from across the web. You can bookmark their site or follow them on Twitter. https://longreads.com/ https://twitter.com/longreads/
Honestly I think a lot of it is curating a Twitter feed. Media Twitter (journalists and feature writers) + sites like Longreads, Atlas Obscura, NPR, Slate, The Atlantic, Pacific Standard… I will try to send you stuff though!
Yes, this! I find I have often already read pieces in the link roundup before it comes out just because I follow a lot of the same people Nicole does on Twitter. In addition to following media outlets I follow a bunch of individual journalists who cover topics I’m interested in, and *those* people usually follow a million interesting people so they end up re-tweeting stuff I wouldn’t see otherwise.
I signed up for this.cm last week. Users can each post a link a day, and then they email you a selection of articles from people you follow (and “people” can include both individuals and publications), and a list of five picked by the editors. It’s been pretty good so far, although I’m not sure I need a daily email.
Ooo! That looks interesting. I agree a daily message is a bit much, but there’s always the delete button for busy days. Thank you!
Oh, hey, what’s your name there? I’ll look you up.
The Morning News has a big daily link compilation. In fact I think that’s how I originally found Nicole’s tumblr!
I am immensely appreciative of all these resources! Thank you!
Bitchmedia has a weekly link thing, but obviously it’s not gonna cover the same breadth of topics.
Thank you for the suggestion!
David Franzoni, who wrote the script for the 2000 blockbuster Gladiator
AAAAAAAAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA welp
“I am Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī… friend to a murdered man… father to a son who maybe killed that man…”
I am vexed. I am terribly vexed.
We are not entertained.
??? I honestly didn’t know that movie was laugh-worthy. It’s a family favorite in my world (and also one that gets to me every time). I was planning on referencing it in a story, so it’s good to know that this is also a possible reaction.
(I did a quick search, and it had 76% on Rotten Tomatoes, so okay, at least it’s not universally derided. I’m not trying to diminish your or any other Toastie’s criticism, just seeking multiple data points.)
If you enjoy the movie, that’s fine! But I’m a former classicist and studied Latin for a solid decade, and while it may have good acting and lavish design it leaves a LOT to be desired as far as historical accuracy. Which isn’t everything, but certainly does make this guy as the person who thinks Leo is a great choice for Rumi more… ironic? Hilarious?
Oh! Yeah, I don’t mind the accuracy critiques. 🙂 My stepdad likes it for how it did its battle sequences and stuff. He writes historical fiction about Vikings that’s gotten a lot of praise for accuracy, and I think that opening battle in the movie matched up with what he knows about the Romans’ techniques.
And yes, I see the irony now of choosing a screenwriter with a history of inaccurate movies!
Today in (Feminist) History [Archive]
On this day in 1876 was the death of Amantine-Lucile-Aurore Dupin, better known by her pseudonym of George Sand; a French writer, feminist, and socialist. Born in 1804, she is said to have had a very liberal upbringing at her grandmother’s estate of Nohant, in the French province of Berry. In 1822, she married Casimir Dudevant, who was the illegitimate son of a Baron, and had two children, Maurice and Solange. (Both were later best known with the last name “Sand”.) In 1831, however, Amantine left her husband and took her two children with her, embarking on what some called a period of “romantic rebellion” (aka she decided to live her best life), that lead to her career as a writer, and more.
In the years that followed, Amantine (who soon renamed herself as George Sand) had a number of affairs with prominent men, including Jules Sandeau, Alfred de Musset, and Frederic Chopin. She also had what historians call an “intimate friendship” with the actress Marie Dorval, which sparked rumors of a lesbian affair. Supposedly these were “unconfirmed”, but in a letter from Sand to Marie, she once spoke of “wanting you either in your dressing room or in your bed”. Chopin, however, was one of her longest and most well-known affairs, lasting for 10 years before they fell apart over both one of Sand’s books (which featured a character based on Chopin), and Chopin’s support of Solange, when George and her daughter were not speaking due to a fight over money.
George (then still Amantine) began her writing career during her affair with Jules Sandeau, publishing a few stories and a novel (Rose et Blanche) together under the name “Jules Sand”. In 1832 however, she published her first novel on her own, Indiana, under the new name George Sand, which she kept for the rest of her life. Indiana was a novel written as an impassioned protest about marriage and how it binds women to husbands against their will and leaves them trapped in miserable marriages. In her novel, which earned her immediate fame, George’s heroine leaves her unhappy marriage and finds love. This basic concept extended to her novels Valentine and Lelia, which took the idea of free association beyond marriage to social and class relationships as well. Eventually she found her “true form” in writing what were known as “rustic” or “pastoral” novels, involving the countryside and characters who represented George’s socialist and feminist views. Many of her novels featured passionate free women, and people who transcended class and convention in pursuit of love.
George was also known politically for her essays and writings, some published in a newspaper she began during the 1848 revolution. She was a supported of the poor, the working class, and of course women’s rights. She is also known for causing a sensation when she began dressing in male clothes in public; she stated her reasons as being that they were less expensive, and more comfortable. Her male dress allowed her to roam more freely in Paris, giving her access from venues where women normally were blocked. She also shocked people by smoking in public (gasp), which women of her class weren’t “sanctioned” to do at the time.
George was referenced in a number of works, and painted by numerous artists, including a double portrait of her and Chopin by Eugène Delacroix, which was later split into two pieces. According to V.S. Pritchett (a writer of short stories) she was, “a thinking bosom and one who overpowered her young lovers, all Sybil—a Romantic”, and Ivan Turgenev (a Russian novelist and playright) once said, “What a brave man she was, and what a good woman.” But one of the most widely-used quotes related to George Sand was her own: “There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”
Also I kind of think George Sand looks like Jaya, please google and tell me I’m not the only one. >.>
Oh, hey, I am working on a piece right at this moment about living my best life. Thanks, George! Thanks, burningupasun!
Nice!! I don’t hold for this “romantic rebellion” nonsense, George was very clearly striding out to live her best life. And she clearly did, I mean, passionate affairs with men and women, writing novels, striding about in men’s clothes while smoking… LIVING HER BEST LIFE.
What a BADASS!
“She is also known for causing a sensation when she began dressing in male clothes in public; she stated her reasons as being that they were less expensive, and more comfortable.”
God I love her.
SAME. I mean like literally she was all, look, women’s clothes are ridiculously expensive and too many layers and ties and who knows what. I’m gonna wear men’s clothes and I’m gonna be comfortable and y’all can just deal.
Holy shit. I am literally just sitting here reading this over and over in awe of this fearless, epic woman. She is too witches, personified. I AM SO FILLED WITH PRIDE. WOMEN ROCK.
Thank you for this series!
Wait, so that whole “Who sir, me sir? Yes sir, you sir” thing in Houseboat came from the Bible?
Of all the Bible Verses entries to provoke the righteous wrath of the deleted commenters… well, I’m not sure I would’ve guessed “hey buddy” would be the tipping point. (Like, ass grass or cash didn’t do it?)
God isn’t into buddies. That’s why Jesus was followed at a respectful distance by 12 strangers who never ate with him or talked to him, and they were regularly rotated out in case they got too friendly
And none of them would ever dare take him aside and rebuke him for freaking everybody the fuck out with predictions of his own brutal death.
IANAC (I am not a Christian), but I always appreciated the line about not taking anything out of Revelation. It’s very savvy. “And if you stick this in the Apocrypha, God is gonna be so pissed. Hear that, council of Carthage?”
yeah you know I’m sometimes sympathetic to actors that take roles like this, because it’s hard to be an actor and you’re always one or two bad roles from disappearing from the business forever, but guys like Dicaprio and Downey have got no excuse at ALL, they do not need to be in a Rumi movie to pay the bills.
I would be DELIGHTED if DiCaprio quit acting now that he’s got his Oscar. He can then use his trillions of dollars to spend the rest of his life biking around Paris with various supermodels.
he does some kind of charity stuff or something too, I’m sure that’s great, go, do that, Leonardo DiCaprio! Buy everyone solar panels for their roofs or whatever!
I was willing to give Burlington Crumplehorn a pass for Khan because apparently Abrams said he had to sign the contract without seeing a script (which sounds a little fake but okay and honestly I wouldn’t completely put that past Abrams) but after the Dr. Strange bullshit, nope.
to be a *little* fair to Cumberbatch, Doctor Strange as a character is Anglo in the comics, so it’s not like he’s taking a part that he knows is supposed to go to someone else — most of the push for an Asian Doctor Strange happened on Twitter, and you got to figure that Cumberbatch doesn’t really find things out from Twitter, so he might not have realized it.
There’s definitely no excuse for this though, but you know RDJ would be into it, that guy is an asshole. They could cast him and Jeremy Renner and they’d both take the parts just because they got the idea that someone didn’t want them to.
Completely unrelated:
I love this gif, because it’s a) Hiddles, and b) it looks like he’s trying to cover a huge sweat stain under his arm.
I also wish that white actors would very publicly turn down these offers while discouraging whitewashing so that producers might actually feel some pressure.
yeah DiCaprio is really in an ideal position to do something like that, because it matters when HE publicly refuses a role.
He also seems like somebody who might be willing to actually do that.
In other news today is a day off hell because in addition to sitting in a boiling office at a job I hate; another one of my housemates is moving out and so its possible I’m gonna be covering 3/4 of the rent on my house next month.
Seriously, if the universe could let up a *little* bit that’d be great. At least I have a date with a boy this weekend that I’m well excited for, we’re going to the beach with his 3 dogs (beaches, boys and dogs, aka my favourite things.) and he just told me theres a woods at his house. I am literal heart eye emoji right now.
Oh no I’m so sorry! 3/4 of the tent? No no no no! Any possibility to sublet and find new roomies?
The plans with the boy are INCREDIBLE though. Beach, dogs, woods and cute boy is the answer to “what’s your ideal date?” that I never knew I needed.
TENT.
I think you know what I meant.
Thank you to the people who were talking about Flavia de Luce in a recent comment thread, I found the comments Monday, bought the first book, and I’m now 2/3 of the way through. It is delightful!
Yay, apple_pi! I’m so excited to read this. I adore that Flavia de Luce and her adventures. I have a secret list of books for introducing to future daughters and nieces for the feminism-indoctrinating, and those books are right up there!
YESSSSSSSS! Isn’t she SO GREAT?!
As one of four sisters, I find her interactions with her sisters both heartwarming and hilariously relatable. I was really surprised to find that the author was male, because he really nailed inter-sisteral behavior.
Yay! I love her so much!
The next time someone makes me angry I am going to belt out, “I am not buying this ‘hey buddy’ and ‘look here dude’ business,” and skateboard off into the sunset.
damn, now i realize i have to learn how to skateboard
Let’s talk about the “Old Love” question on Dear Prudence– how does Mallory manage to utterly shut the dude down while still sounding so gentle?? What a skill. The first time I read it I was like, huh, I would have had some stronger words, but the I realized she actually told him the woman would be better off without him. Which, yes.
Also, that kid was like 90% of my high school dude friends. “I want to give her one more chance because I want to believe that she has changed and will give me the time of day.”– what on earth would give you the idea that she’s “changed” when you stopped talking to her, first of all because you’re proving her instincts correct, that you didn’t deserve her time, and second of all, because YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO HER?? This is obviously not about a specific woman, it’s about some twisted fantasy in your head about how romance should work for you.
YES! Also, he said that they had made plenty of memories together, even though they had never dated, which to me sounds like they were, oh I don’t know, friends??? Which means that she did “give [him] the time of day,” in that she wasn’t ignoring him, or acting like he was beneath her, or dismissing him without really taking the time to get to know him (not that she would owe him that, either, but still). Just, ugh.
I actually wondered if those memories they had “together” were even actual memories or if he’d just catalogued every interaction he’d ever had with her and interpreted them in his own way to be meaningful and indicative of feelings she never had for him.
Oh god, that’s entirely possible. Welp, that’s even creepier than his entire entitlement complex, then. *full-body shiver*
OH MY GOD YES I saw that stupid “I want to believe she has changed” bollocks and was like ‘We have to talk about this in LR.’ Entitled little shit. I hope he takes Mallory’s words to hear but I have my doubts.
Also, YOU’RE NINETEEN, life is long, read some novels by women and get your head out of your ass and find some new people to date
I ADORED that it was called “Old Love” when it centered on a nineteen year old who’d known a girl for three years.
I KNOW RIGHT? I saw the title over here and then could not BELIEVE that that was the actual query when I went over to Slate.
Man, Topanga Canon was just prime time for cults back in the day, wasn’t it? My “if I had to join a cult” cult was there too for a while (The Source Family). I guess if you are going to join one, “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll” is preferable to “castration and suicide” like Heaven’s Gate, or “isolation and suicide” like the People’s Temple, or “guns and suicide” like the Branch Davidians. Plus the Source Family had a restaurant and music, so I would always be entertained.
Yes but can you imagine an orgy room upholstered in velvet? The smells. The stains. Ugh.
The friction.
Agree. I made so many people watch the Source Family documentary, it’s so amazing.
The book is worth a read, too. It helped fill in a couple of gaps in the movie (like the fact that Isis knew Father Yod while he was still Jim Baker) and was pretty interesting. I still listen to their music, too. It’s pretty cool.
ooh, thanks for the rec, I should check that out. yeah, the music is legit good!
My dad is great, and the thought of having a father-daughter dance makes me want to die of embarrassment. Not happening. I also wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle, because it would just be weird. (I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for seven years now, living together for three. If we get married, I think any symbolical handing over has been done.)
See also: if i get married and the registrar annouces “the new Mr and Mrs [partner’s surname]!” i will immediately stop whatever I am doing to turn on them and deliver an angry rant about assumptions and the patriarchy. Stop projecting your ideas about what a wedding should be like onto me!
See also ‘The parents of X invite you…’ fuck you parents, can a girl not invite her own guests?
I suppose that’s a holdover from when it was customary for parents to pay? But i would not want mine to do that, so i am inviting my own guests to my hypothetical wedding.
I think its a hold over from when the parents organised the whole thing and arranged the weddings and it was much more about the two families and not so much about the very young people actually getting married
I’m writing on the invitation, “Mrs. Editor requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of her granddaughter” because I come from a motherfucking matriarchy, and my invitations will reflect that.
I’m also walking my own fab self down the aisle, and both my parents and grandmother will be walking ahead of me (single file). My family totally gets it, my future inlaws are 96% befuddled. It’s not so much that they’re outraged that we’re not being “traditional” on a lot of fronts, I just don’t think it’s occurred to them that there are options outside of the “right way.”
I scandalized my relatives by refusing this tradition. On top of being embarrassing and patriarchal, just so very unnecessary! One would hope that everyone in attendance knew who we were and what we had just done, so why announce it?
Yeah I feel like there are ways to show my dad that I care about him without being like “ha ha in old times I would have been considered your property”
My two cents: I don’t get to see my dad in person very often anymore, but we generally have a good relationship. He is not a dancer by any means, and I’m not into a lot of the overly-traditional wedding elements (we got announced by our first names, and don’t get me started on the bouquet toss and garter…), but I picked a fun song and it turned into mostly an excuse for us to chat and laugh for a minute about how the weekend was going so far. Wedding days are crazy busy (you will have to talk to a million people) and it’s a chance to sneak in a convo about how the parents and you are doing.
That’s kind of how I felt! We kind of laughed and enjoyed ourselves, and I got to take a minute and just let my dad lead me around the floor and didn’t think about much. As opposed to my dance with my husband, which was sheer nervousness on both our parts as we hadn’t practiced at all and I didn’t even know what song we had picked until the last minute. (Don’t do that. Really, don’t do that. I was irritated the entire song, and it was only mitigated later in the event when the song we rejected for being too long and not a dance song came on accidentally and we started dancing spontaneously.)
Getting married in Sept… at least once a day I say one of these things “it feels like you want me to have the kidding of wedding you had. Yours sounds lovely, but it’s okay that I want different things,” “Your ideas are wonderful, but weddings can come in all shapes in sizes,” “Weddings, like life, are a rich tapestry,” “Why don’t you do that at your wedding?” “It sounds like we have different ideas about what weddings can look like, isn’t that beautiful?” etc forever
“Well then you can have that for your next wedding!” was definitely uttered/shouted a few times at one or more parents while our wedding was being planned (and simultaneously nitpicked by parents).
YESSSSSS. All of this, forever and ever, amen.
Any opinions on whether you would wear white? I’m torn about whether I would wear green or yellow for my (very hypothetical, not-even-really-desired) wedding.
I’m not sure; I don’t currently have any white clothing, because I know I would just get stains on them, so a very expensive white dress sounds like a bad idea. I suspect I would either go down the charity-shop wedding dress route (Oxfam have special wedding dress shops!) or wear something nice I already owned.
That sounds lovely. For many people wedding dresses are a one-and-done deal, but it would be excellent to use clothing you already own or that you can wear again! (Also I *love* the linguistic difference of charity shop vs. the American thrift shop. /pedantry.)
1. Didn’t have anyone walk me down the aisle.
2. Didn’t have any parent/child dances.
3. Didn’t have “the parents of…” on invites. (We did Kayjayoh and Dudeface, together with their families, invite…”)
4. Never did the Mr. and Mrs. announcement.
And everyone was fine.
One of my favorite moments of all time was at the wedding of an acquaintance who got married the same week she defended her Ph.D. dissertation (which on its own is an incredible feat).
As they turned to walk up the aisle after the ceremony, the officiant announced, “It is my honor to present Dr. and Mr. [Bride’s First and Last Name]!”
This is amazing, and I feel VERY sympathetic toward your acquaintance right now. I am handing in my MA thesis today, getting married next week, and defending about a week after that, and that is overwhelming enough, thank you.
My dad is also great and we will totally have a father-daughter dance, because…. WE ACTUALLY KNOW HOW/LIKE TO DANCE. When I wanted to take swing lessons in high school he’s the person who went with me, and now whenever we see each other for holidays he looks for local dance events for us to go to 🙂
That sounds really nice! My sister is a swing dancer (among other things; at the start of a friend’s wedding reception she taught all the guests how to do the Hustle), but unfortunately I do not know how to dance at all and a father/daughter dance would be amazingly awkward.
Ugh, they introduced us without telling us they were going to do that. Fortunately I managed to whisper-scream that I hadn’t taken his name, so they just introduced us as our first names. But still, we had talked to everybody outside the church AND at the drinks reception outside the venue before dinner, so it was really fucking weird to have them introduce us and have everyone stand up and applaud.
For someone who is being so nit picky, commenter #2 used the wrong it contraction “it’s” instead of “its” plus since I studied ancient Greek in college I can say with real authority here that YES SIR and NO SIR appear nowhere in the text. It’s not fun and games.
it’s ἦδος and παιγνία!
I am going to spend a large portion of my day scrolling through WeRateDogs.
Their caption for Sansa would probably be something like:
“This…is a small, fuzzy warhorse. We only rate dogs. Please only send in dogs. Still cuter than all dogs though…15/10.”
This happened.
Omg
It is really a great Twitter account. 15/10 would read again.
I haven’t watched GoT in a long while but I cannot get enough of the humorous recaps. Rachel Handler’s are my personal fave (spoilers, of course) http://www.mtv.com/news/2888824/game-of-thrones-r…
I still do not watch GoT or ever care to, but these recaps are the light of my life. I just want to know how many of those pictures of her sister were taken, because there are so many! In so many different outfits!
Oh man I’ve only just started the “most liberated woman in America” article and it is already awesome.
“We turned the corner into the living room, and that’s when I saw her. Her eyes are huge and almond-shaped, her ears point upwards (a signature of the breed), and her paws are striking in their size. Peggy Sue is a Siberian lynx, over 60 pounds, with powerful legs and sharp, two-inch-long canine teeth. She has not been de-clawed. I’d been aware of this fact, but only in this moment does it truly register: Barbara shares her home with what is, more or less, a small tiger…..Barbara tells me they sleep together in the bed at night, sometimes curled up around one another.”
Now that we’ve all heard lynxes and their unnerving yawps, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to live with one even if it were totally cuddly.
I love the visual detail of Barbara’s short white hair and fuschia lipstick.
I have some Direwolf Thoughts, will put in comment.
OKAY SO.
It’s pretty clear in the books that Ghost is aware of Nymeria, that Ghost can tell that some of his littermates are dead, and that direwolves can kind of thought-grok with regular wolves. It’s pretty clear in the show that Jon and Ghost are mentally linked on some level.
What should maybe happen at this point involves Jon either consciously or unconsciously communicating with Ghost that the human army is SOL, and Ghost subsequently “recruiting” Nymeria and a bunch of regular wolves (poss also other direwolves from north of The Wall) and somehow Nymeria being able to lead an army of regular wolves into the fray.
If this leads to a polite request from Arya that Nymeria chomp on Ramsey’s neck, so be it, fine by me.
A+ for Jon and Sansa’s army getting saved at the last minute by a daggone army of wolves eating all the Boltons.
I have never wanted to see anything more
We haven’t seen a Direwolf really chow down on anybody since Season 1, so I’m hoping Ramsay ends up as Ghost kibble. But that’s too fitting and satisfying to ever happen in Westeros.
I would read / watch the shit out of this story, omg. So here for a direwolf centric… anything, really.
YES PLEASE
I kept saying to people that I wanted Ghost to kill Ramsey, but I like your way SO MUCH BETTER. They wouldn’t have put so much stuff about Ramsey sic-ing his dogs on people if that wasn’t going to come back into play somehow. Also, I like the symmetry of Boltons as dogs and Starks as direwolves/wolves a lot.
I would also settle for “eaten by Nymeria” as an end for Littlefinger.
My wish is that while Arya is staggering around Braavos dealing with abdominal wounds, or taking out the carefully-placed blood packs that she put there because she’s one step ahead of the Waif (popular fan theory), she gets in touch with her inner warg and when the Waif tracks her down to finish the job, she gets swarmed with cats. Then Nymeria sends her a warg-mail from across the Narrow Sea and Arya books it, with all her new cat friends waving at her from the dock like Maneki-neko.
PLEASE
If you’ll excuse me treating this like an open thread: I’m considering moving out of the city that I have loved and lived in for almost ten years and starting over in a new part of the country because my allergies/asthma have gotten so bad that I can barely go outside. I meant to kind of keep this under my hat until I’d made a decision and then I accidentally told my parents last night and now this seems horrifyingly real. Tell me things about how well starting over in new places has gone for you? I …. would love to freely walk outside again, but am kind of terrified that I’m going to move someplace new and not know anyone and not have my allergies get better at all, or get worse.
Research. In person. Travel to potential destinations during their peak pollen seasons. Stay a weekend. Walk around outdoors both days. Rate your asthma/allergies for each location. A series of short vacations can give you the info you need.
I will definitely be doing tons of research. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do much in person, since I have severe indoor allergies as well as outdoor, and sleeping places that do not have all of the careful precautions of my own bedroom has been an instant recipe for infections and waking up in the middle of the night with breathing problems even before my allergies got bad enough to keep landing me in the ER. So … lots of armchair research, and attempts to find a way to visit the top two or three contenders, I guess? What I really need to find is an air bnb person who will rent me an empty room without carpet, curtains, or any kind of fabric, and which is not in a basement or anyplace damp or prone to mold. Sigh.
(Basically, I am an alien and cannot tolerate this Earth atmosphere. Orson Wells got it wrong: it’s not the water that’s the problem, it’s the mold and the mildews and the dreaded dustmites. But alas, I must find a way to make this work until I can hitchhike off this benighted planet.)
If you have allergy issues, DO NOT move to Austin. Allergies are awful here.
In fact, upon reading your post, I automatically assumed that you’re an Austinite.
lol we are moving away from Texas in the next year partly because the spouse’s allergies have only gotten worse and now oldest kiddo has them too. Everything’s bigger in Texas – including the allergy season!
I’m in DC, which is also pretty terrible for allergies. Weirdly, the general advice is to not try to move to fix your allergies, because most people with pollen allergies just develop new allergies to wherever they live. My worst allergies are to mold and dustmites, though, and there tends to be a lot less mold in the air in places that have dryer air and longer winters with cold temperatures. So I’ll be trying to do research on the exact molds that I’m allergic to. Time for the google-fu!
I hope Austin is treating you well otherwise! I hear good things about the music and the food.
I moved across an ocean, and it has been a mixed but mostly good bag! Like Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans where only one out of a hundred beans is snot flavored. It’s surprisingly easy to keep in touch fairly well via skype and google hangouts. I send lots of postcards. I’ve made really awesome friends, which is the biggest pleasant surprise cause I kinda thought I’d just be a hermit for life.
What’s helped me is reading a lot, a lot of blogs written by people who have moved. Everyone’s time line is a little different. Some people take to it like a duck to water, the rest of us take to it like a pug to water. There’s a lot of different ways to handle it all.
Do you have friends who’ve moved to be in your city? Maybe you could ask them how long it took to feel settled in. Are you moving to a place of approximately the same size? I think that tends to make it a bit easier.
I love that analogy! And it’s great to hear that moving has worked so well for you. I would probably be moving someplace pretty different (I live in a big city now, would probably move someplace smaller and more car-friendly and a different part of the country), but not as different as moving across an ocean. I hope that things continue to go well for you!
I once moved from the Midwest to a state I’d never set foot in because it was my only option (reasons various). In spite of being told in my first couple weeks there by multiple people that the allergies were horrible and the indigenous people had named the area the valley of sickness, it was the best move of my life. I weirdly had no allergy problems there and would move back in heartbeat. Loved everything about it.
I’ve moved around a lot (and panicked a lot about it), but looking back, even the places I wound up actively hating I don’t really regret. You are taking steps to improve your health and quality of life, and even if this place doesn’t work out in the end, that’s an awesome thing, and it’s very brave. I hope it goes swimmingly, and I bet that wherever you’re headed, there might be Toast readers who would be delighted to get to know you.
Thank you! I hope you are enjoying your current home. 🙂
Forgive me for asking something I am sure you have considered in detail for much of your life, but have you gotten medical treatment for it? Is there nothing else to be done on that front? Part general curiosity, part personal interest from a fellow asthma/allergy sufferer.
SO MUCH MEDICAL TREATMENT. Yes! Allergies are always a weird topic, because there are so many people who have allergies/sensitivities that impact their lives to varying degrees, but which they don’t get treatment for. My father keeps complaining about ragweed/pollen allergies, but hasn’t tried so much as popping a Benadryl or going on an over the counter drug for a couple weeks, and I am completely unsympathetic.
And then there are those of us for whom not doing medical treatment is just not an option. For me, my dustmite+mold allergies first led to chronic sinus infections, then frequent bronchitis/pneumonia, asthma, and finally to multiple rounds of anaphylaxis. I’ve made every pretty much every lifestyle adjustment that I can come up with, and my allergist and I have managed to get things more or less under control for the moment by putting me on pretty much every medication possible, but I still have to wear a mask when I go outside, and then shower/change clothes when I come inside, and even then I frequently can’t stay out very long. It’s pretty limiting. I tried immunotherapy before and we weren’t able to come up with a small enough dose to take so that I didn’t react to it, but if I can stay stable enough we’ll be trying again next month.
Moving kind of seems like it ought to be an obvious move in light of all that, but most resources I’ve read on the subject warn against moving, since most people develop new allergies wherever they move to, and it can potentially just make things worse. But that’s specific to people with pollen allergies, which is not my main problem, and if I can even buy a year or two where I’m more stable, there’s a much better chance of being able to do immunotherapy and actually make some long-term progress on the problem. So … I’m thinking I’ll definitely move if Immunotherapy Round #2 is not successful, and may move anyway. It’s just a more daunting thing to do than it was when I was fresh out of college and not rooted in an area with friends and a job and a support network and a medical team that I know already, especially since I can’t easily just travel a bunch of places and see what it’s like in each place. My allergist’s given me a list of the specific molds that I’m allergic to, so I’m working on compiling the specific environmental factors for each one of my allergens and trying to figure out where I should try to go.
WebMD has very helpfully suggested that people with my allergies move to Antartica. Thanks, internet.
Have you seen the series of episodes in Northern Exposure where a character moves to Alaska because of his allergies and skin sensitivities? It might be cathartic to watch!
Much sympathy from a fellow allergy sufferer (though to a much milder degree). Re: moving, besides meet-up, you might join gyms or yoga studios that hold social events if yoga is your thing (ashtanga studios are especially good for that). I also like to find an acupuncturist right away when I move. Besides the treatment (allergy acupuncture has done me a lot of good) there is just something great about knowing someone and receiving individualized care from them as soon as you move to a new place. I am also a big fan of greeting neighbors warmly and (if they receive it well) introducing yourself with your first name the first time you run into them, just to create a nice atmosphere when you run into each other in the future even if you never really talk again. And then explicitly invite your old friends to visit you in your new place, so that it’s an active idea in their heads! Moving is extra-daunting when you have serious health challenges, but it can be a positive experience!
Laughed out loud at the Antarctica bit. Very helpful.
I’ve never heard of someone reacting so strongly to immunotherapy before. That is really a bummer. Wishing you all the best for attempt #2.
Standard advice for moving is to join groups (MeetUp, recreational sports, art class, church, whatever you’re into), and go out of your way to meet neighbors and coworkers and classmates, and local fellow Toast Crumbs. Be brave and be patient, and remember that your friends elsewhere will always still like to hear from you. 🙂
1) get a job in the place you plan to move to before you move there. Really.
2) if you have any hobbies/group interests, check out if they are available in the new place. Try to contact people involved in the interest before you move there, so you have at least a toe in one door to start out with.
3) ask your doctors if they can refer you to practitioners in the place you’re moving to so that if you suddenly start having allergic/asthmatic problems, you know who to contact.
Thank you! Those are all great suggestions. I suspect that meetup.com is going to be very much my friend for a while.
So, I dragged my husband with me from Austin to Seattle, and he really did go from having absolutely terrible allergies to being willing to let me do crazy things like open actual windows and stuff. We stayed for the years and then moved back to Austin and now he’s actually also doing much better in Austin too? Like, we were completely ready to start allergy shots for him and instead he’s pretty much fine on a one per day OTC pill.
As far as starting over in new places, it helps to get your network going early- I always find a new dojo right away, which gets me a group of non-work people to hang out with pretty much right away. Honestly, I like the whole picking and moving to a new city thing- there’s all sorts of new things to discover every time. New cities have people in them too. And local foods and weird local traditions and the next thing you know you’re watching a young girl drag her alpaca through an obstacle course (that last one probably only applies to a limited number of areas).
i’m sorry i am like a million years late to this but! the first draft of “My Shot” finally made it into my sphere.
from LMM: “The Whoa’s in My Shot share an interval w the AOL dial up sound,
the sound of an idea first connecting w the world” woah
Mind blown.
Hi all, this is totally OT, but does anyone else have a problem with the author pages on the-toast?
More specifically, if I want to view a specific author’s work here, viewing older stuff doesn’t work, and only shows the newer stuff.
Example: http://the-toast.net/author/mallory-ortberg/page/… shows only the articles on page one. Ditto for /page/3 and on and on, it still only shows the most recent few articles.
This happens when I try to access these pages on my mobile too. Does this happen to others? Is it something I have on my browsers that I can fix?
Funny thing–I was trying to find the raccoons piece yesterday and I had exactly the same problem. Chrome on both Windows and Android platforms.
Just posting again because I failed miserably at this until late in the day yesterday, and I’m so proud of my three-year-old niece’s budding misandry from this weekend:
I want to party with your niece.
Yessssss, I am so glad you reposted! I felt the sads that I could not see this picture yesterday.
Later, after Ken had been re-legged, I asked her if she was going to put clothes on him. She thought about it for a second, then said, “Nah. He’s a workout boy.” Okay then.
HA!!!!!!! A+ Great job, keep it up.
It’s like 127 hours, but with legs
That deleted commenter must be reading the American Bible, you know, the one where Jesus’ parables are all about why free market capitalism is God’s will and Moses came down from the mountain carrying tablets on which the Constitution was carved.
Is there still time for an Ayn Rand’s Sermon on the Mount?
Enthusiastically cosigning Rand treatment.
Just imagining the deleted commentor congruence from a Randian Bible treatment.
Any day that features appreciation of the Shakers is a good day by me. They’re my favorite sect and they’re misunderstood in all sorts of ways. It’s also lovely to see people here in the comments saying nice things about the Shakers. I see a lot of anti-Shaker “This person escaped! from the religious prudes! and can have The Sex!” narratives, and they bug me.
I mean, people join the Shakers because they want to. (For those just joining us, the Shakers were/are a faith that lived together as chaste adults, and raised the kids people brought with them in a communal group.) Some people don’t want to have sex, some don’t prioritize it in their lives, some wish to give it up as an ascetic practice. And don’t get me started on the whole, “Ha, ha, what fools! They didn’t breed, so their religion has died off!” I used to work at Hancock Shaker Village and tourists said that to me constantly. *twitchy eye*
First off, the Shakers thrived for a hundred years, and still survive now, because they’ve made converts. (And adopted children and raised foundlings; back before social services, the Shakers were the most humane people to place a homeless child with.) Second off, as Brother Arnold of the current Shakers says, are you born a Boy Scout because your parents were Boy Scouts? Or do you have to choose to become one? Third off, why don’t people get this worked up about nuns, monks, and priests? (well, I’m sure there’s anti-Catholic bigotry out there too, it’s just not a part of my day-to-day.)
(Actually, I think the resentment towards the Shakers is because of the whole “genders living together in a big group house” thing that the Shakers did. Something about that really bugged most of the tourists I met. They were almost all BUT SHAKERS MUST HAVE BEEN BONKING??? RIGHT??? HIDING BEHIND THE BARN AMIRITE??)
(ffs the barn is round, there’s no way to hide *behind* it.)
Mainstream culture is so messed up. Most of the time it’s like, “Sex is shameful and you are bad for wanting it,” and people thoughtlessly recirculate that message. But bring up the Shakers, and people flip right over to, “BUT ALL HUMANS MUST HAVE THE SEX. SEX IS MANDATORY.”
so yeah, wild-eyed Shaker stan here and Mother Ann Lee fangirl, ask me anything
I would love to hear stories about working at Hancock Shaker Village! We sometimes go there when I visit my family in upstate NY, and it’s so lovely.
Oh, it was lovely! The grounds were beautifully kept while I was there, and farmers and 4-H teenagers kept sheep, goats, ducks, chickens, rabbits, and bees on the property. I once went in to work in the interpretation room in the morning, and saw a heavily pregnant ewe in the barn with a small amount of placenta sticking out her vagina, and came out for my break two hours later to find she’d given birth to her lambs and was licking them clean.
The lambs were WONDERFUL. I treated them like living plushies, picking them up as much as I could while they were still too little to mind. They had the most darling tiny hooves, and their fleece was warm and springy in my hands, and when they nursed they waved their tails around and around. The 4-H students got sick of me picking up their lambs after a while and politely asked me to stop.
The director of interpretation was a very kind man. He looked a lot like a hobbit, rode a motorcycle, and loved the Shakers, on whom he was well-informed enough that he could have written a book of his own about them. He was the coolest boss I’ve ever had, to date. When he swept the floor he said he was taken with the “sweeping gift” (this is a Shakerism in-joke; they would use the phrase “a ___ gift” to mean they’d been divinely inspired to dig lots of post-holes, spin around in one place for hours, or make up dozens of songs in a single evening). There was no cleaning staff at the Village, so we had to make do by sweeping and dusting when we were there as interpreters. My boss would urge us to grab down high cobwebs and dust whatever we could, and set a good example by doing so himself.
I really hope he has good memories of me and doesn’t remember me as “that clueless, entitled kid.” I was but an indifferent employee; I was late a lot, didn’t care for the cleaning/tidying aspects of the job, fudged the details on my time cards because that had been the normal thing at my last job, and took any excuse to stay away from schoolchildren. But he was always kind to me, regardless. I’ve had enough experience of human nature, in the five years since then, to look back and realize what a mensch he was.
My favorite co-workers were an older man (former costume designer, first guy I’d ever met who was married to another guy) and an older lady who did everything beautifully, from sewing her own costume to baking recipes out of the Shakers’ cookbooks, to singing. We would all go in costume and sing hymns together in the meeting-house, while members of the public looked on and admired or laughed at us. It was much like an actual Shaker meeting, in that the real Shakers opened their services to the public and invited audiences. My favorite hymn was one sung by my older lady friend. I’m afraid I forget the background, but this one does have a known author and date, and I believe was created at HSV.
Low down in the valley, my lambs, be ye found,
Secure from the tempest that now sweeps around.
‘Tis low in the vale my blessings flow;
But on the barren mountain bleak and chilly winds do blow.
Stay strong, though your tents are surrounded with foes,
And vile persecutors who now interpose;
Stay strong, move as one, and place your trust in me–
Remember the righteous will ne’er forsaken be.
Like most Shaker hymns, it’s so good you sing it all twice! The part about “bleak and chilly winds do blow” always reminds me of Hancock, because the museum seemed to be a funnel for bad weather. There was always a high wind blowing, and whatever bad weather was out there got channeled right through HSV. Not that we minded. I had some blissful afternoons alone in one of the open buildings where no tourist ever came, teaching myself to spin with a drop spindle. We had a ton of undyed fleece available, from one of the sheepshearings. I made several massive balls of yarn, lumpy and uneven but strong and satisfying to touch. Recently I rediscovered a partly-knitted scarf made of my own yarn in a drawer, and I hope to unravel it and re-knit it better than before.
I had a blissful three months as an interpretive staff member before HSV lost some funding and my boss had to lay a lot of us off. I’d like to go back for a visit one day; in retrospect, getting laid off when I did worked out OK, because it freed me up to move to the city, where I’ve been much happier overall. But I was happy at HSV too, for reasons that you don’t find just anywhere. And I’d like to know that my former co-workers are doing well.
This is all so delightful! I was having a grumbly sort of morning, and now I’ve read this and I just can’t be grumpy anymore.
We aims to please! 😀
What have your own visits to HSV been like? What experiences have you had?
I love just wandering around the grounds — it’s so pretty and peaceful. And all my memories of it are also of times spent with family to whom I’m close, so it has a very pleasant nostalgic feel for me.
We have mostly gone and looked around on our own, but once we got to hear a talk in the round barn about its construction and Shaker life, and that was a real treat. I would definitely like to go back and do more in-depth guided tours, if they are available.
I was never there when there were baby animals, but I do remember being introduced to (and charmed by) a very friendly sheep who liked being scratched under the chin.
There *is* a fair bit of opposition to the celibate priesthood (full disclosure, I’m not and never have been a Catholic). I don’t know if it currently has legs as a movement. There are some compelling arguments about how a celibate all-male priesthood shuts out the perspectives of women even more than a married all-male priesthood, about how priests are expected to counsel married couples while their whole organizational structure is banned from marrying, and about the relationships between mandatory celibacy, the broader sexual ethos of the Catholic church, and sexual abuse by priests.
The anti-celibacy arguments also include a lot of rhetoric about celibacy being unnatural and cruel, which I find deeply irritating. It’s a bad fit for a lot of people, but sex isn’t water; it is in fact possible to live and to live deeply without it.
Of course the crucial difference between the Catholics and the Shakers is that there were never any “lay” Shakers, it was celibacy and asceticism or go join a different church!
Yeah, I think there is a big difference between taking issue with the idea that the only way to gain power in a group is through celibacy and arguing that celibacy is always THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE. I would totally be on board with a priesthood that allowed marriage but had celibate sects, for example.
Is that why the barns are round?!?
Have been contemplating trying for oblate status at a monastery, if they will have a 40-something, because I seem to be poor, chaste, and obedient by circumstance, and am starting to wonder if life within a religious community united by a common purpose might be something for which I’m suited.
I promised my pastor I wouldn’t make any big decisions this year, but I keep looking at webpages of Protestant nuns and having FEELINGS.
Anyway, I am not going to mock Shakers. One doesn’t live a life that is so far off the cultural default path without having thought about it quite a bit.
“I used to work at Hancock Shaker Village”
……dies of jealousy. My favorite place of childhood. OMG.
I had no idea there were anti -shaker people. Huh. And that they would spend their vacations going to Shaker sites is beyond me. As cynical as I am, people still have the power to perplex and annoy me. “Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?”
Thread-jacking but the second day of summer resulted in the High school boy screaming threats at me for asking him to be quiet while watching a movie. He got physical and my back is torqued and I have bruises. Plus his little sister sees this as his normal behavior. I really don’t want to call 911 on my kid but it’s to that point.
I’m so sorry.
Please do whatever you believe is best for you, your daughter, and your son. Maybe that does mean calling the police. I don’t know, but I’m sure you DO know. Internet hugs and best wishes for good things for all three of you.
Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I have no advice (not that you were asking) but that situation sounds terrifying and heartbreaking and I’m sorry you’re living it.
I’m really sorry that happened. I hope you and your kids are safe.
I don’t want to read too much in your life; but I’m assuming this is behavior learned from the father that ran over the kids foot with the car? Could you use this to make a case for full custody?
This kid has always felt strongly that the fact that dad doesn’t have 50/50 custody is fundamentally wrong. Put a high school junior in front of a judge to say, “I need to live with my dad” and what I say won’t mean anything.
I have a call in to his counselor.
Shit. I hope things work out and that in the mean time you can be safe. That behavior is not ok in anyway, but I can’t only imagine how frustrated you are right now.
Oh, I am so sorry. No idea what to say, just hoping for the best for all of you.
Shit, I’m so sorry this is happening to your family. Hugs if you want them.
I am so sorry! I hope the counselor will be helpful.
Oh Toastfriend. This is so hard. Protecting yourself is important for your daughter to observe. And holding a hard line against screaming and threats from adult-sized people is important for your boy to observe. All at the same time that you want to protect the boy from lasting consequences. Good parents like you are superheroes.
Wishing I could send my cousin the-very-large-cop-with-a-quiet-demeanor. He has practice having unofficial conversations that avoid any record. His talks have always, so far, resulted in permanent change in behaviors. Just his presence, OMG-this-is-a-cop-telling-me-this, is enough to make people pay attention. He doesn’t otherwise scare people. He asks questions until the person names his own mistakes and accepts responsibility. Cousin suggests alternatives. He then quietly outlines exactly what official steps he will take if he hears of any repeat in the misbehavior. Just the facts. Which are chilling coming from a calm, large police officer holding eye contact.
Not sure that would help you. I trust you to know what’s best. ::Toasthugs::
He sounds just like what we need!
The counselor is a bit miffed that the psych let him stop meds based on kid testimony only, without discussing with me or the counselor why he was taking them or that they had been working. (Kid said, “I dont see any effect” –the only effect meds had was to stop this rage, which kid can’t observe from within. Not happy with psych right now )
Meds are SO COMPLICATED, but I don’t understand either how “I don’t see any effect” from a teenager is reason enough. If he was experiencing adverse side effects, maybe that would be grounds. But how on earth do you take a teenager’s own limited perception as evidence that the meds are having zero effect??? It seems so irresponsible, especially when the psych isn’t the one in physical danger of him. 🙁
And a good psych will understand that “I don’t feel like I need meds” is often a good indicator that they’re working! I don’t doctors to discount patient experience, but as you said, in the absence of negative side effects, it’s so irresponsible to take him off them.
Urgh. I am so sorry. I hope the counselor will have some workable ideas. It really stinks when there are no good options.
More hugs, if you would like them.
That is horrifying. I don’t have advice, I just want to tell you that this shouldn’t be happening, and I echo others that it’s crucial for your daughter to see that you won’t allow yourself to be physically assaulted. Which is not to blame you. I just desperately want someone qualified to help you find a way to enforce boundaries and consequences for your son.
Coming back to say, more urgently, that I know you love your son, but you should not have to put up with anyone assaulting you. I completely understand your hesitation to call the police, but please keep in mind that it’s not helping him to let him think he can do this to people, to anyone. He needs to understand there are real consequences attached, including the law, and people are justified in calling the police when he gets violent.
Your physical safety is so important.
Again, I’m not telling you to call the police. But this is such an important lesson for all teenage boys growing into manhood — they can’t use their fists to win an argument.
I am well aware.
This is complicated by the fact that 3 years ago his dad spent a weekend in jail for beating up his girlfriend. Said dad obviously minimized the whole thing because she didn’t press charges, and has since built “a great big happy family”, so any bad things automatically get relegated to “that was years ago and not important now”. Has told the kids the fight with his girlfriend was ” no big deal and totally exaggerated.”
So horrible. 🙁 And I’m sorry for doing some equivalent of mansplaining at you. Of course you know what’s at stake here. But yeah, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be a mother in this position, and I don’t want you to de-prioritize your physical safety. You are so important!
No, it’s nice to hear those things. I am breaking in a new counselor for myself and have only had one appt. with her, so we aren’t to this part yet.
It is always hard for me not to trigger and to stay the mom, while also telling myself (and my daughter) this is not ok.
*hugs you* So glad you have a new counselor; I hope you’re able to talk about your son’s violence very soon.
Do your local police have a family crisis unit or something similar? I mention this because our neighbour had the same issue after her husband left her and their two boys to move across the country to a house he’d bought with her money 3 months before.
After the split, her older son (teenager) had behavioural problems – not because of the split but made worse by it – and they were extremely helpful to the whole family in getting his behaviour under control. Along with treatment and counseling, of course, but they were a big help to the mom in giving her someone she could call to intervene when he wouldn’t listen to her. It didn’t even need in person visits, just talking to their unit liaison (similar job to RoseCamelia’s cousin) on the phone was mostly enough to get him to stop acting out in the moment.
Neighbours called the police the first time, I’m not sure what happened but the son was taken into custody briefly and the police came around to talk to the neighbours informally. As awful as the whole thing was, it really turned out to be the best thing for them.
Literally *seconds* into the Barbara Williamson piece: “…played a central role in a bestselling book by Gay Talese.”
welp.
You guys. For the first time in American history, a woman is a major* party’s nominee for President. This is a Big Fucking Deal.
*Not to erase Victoria Woodhull and Shirley Chisolm, of course! But this is a different category.
Omg, that IUD tweet is amazing. I shall now imagine all birth control as Montresor taking revenge for the thousand injuries of Fortunato!
Related to the MLM rage we all were feeling the other day, my Atlas Obscura digest dropped this article about how Longaberger baskets aren’t selling and what it means for their basket-shaped HQ building.
“Also: Does anyone want to actually own a 180,000-square-foot basket?” ME. I want it. Also:
“…company founder Dave Longaberger, struggling with some architects over how to design the company’s new headquarters, abruptly left the conversation, only to return with one of the company’s woven baskets.
“Make it look exactly like that,” he told them, according to the Dispatch.”
I had no idea they did MLM. Someone in my family owns literally hundreds. Like multiple hundreds, probably upwards of four. I always wanted a few: an actual picnic basket, and a couple of the specifically shaped smaller ones.
Local(ish) flavor:
1. Rumor has it the building has been half to mostly empty for a decade, whch pretty much corresponds with the company’s prospects.
2. I knew several aviation majors in college, and the Longaberger building was one of their favorite landmarks. If a student pilot flying without instruments can’t locate the giant basket in the middle of the Ohio countryside, aviation is not the career for them.
The only Buzzfeed quiz that will ever matter.
If I don’t get Rogue, I’m boycotting the internet.
Black Widow. I’m not mad about it.
I got Captain Marvel, so the accuracy of this quiz is indisputable.
I got Storm and am really pleased. Though honestly, none of the options I see here would make me mad.
Jean Grey! (Casually Googles “Jean Grey, superhero” because I am An Old).
So… I’m Jean Grey.
Me too!
Kitty Pryde, and I’m too old to be her. (I had to Google her, for one thing.)
… Storm..? I mean, I like her a lot, but we don’t have much in common.
I literally have a wall of Shadowcat fanart, so getting Kitty Pryde without even trying has made my LIFE.
Does “the Toast will close on July 1” mean that July 1 will be the last day of new content, or does it mean that June 30 will be the last day, with July 1 being a Solemn Memorial where we all unite in tears and lamentations?
July 1 is a Friday, so maybe it will just be the saddest Open Thread of all time
Just wailing and gnashing of teeth, from the Toast Wine Fort.
You guys, can I talk about how my health care provider is hot garbage? I take meds for anxiety and ADHD, and since the ADHD meds are a highly controlled substance it’s always a pain in the ass to fill the script. I can’t get it written for more than two months so ideally I see my doctor at least that often, preferably more.
My psychiatrist quit her job last October, and between then and now I’ve been calling the clinic every couple of weeks to see if they could get me in with the new doctor. Didn’t happen until LAST WEEK. That is the better part of a year, you guys. Months in which a psychiatric practice was looking over files for existing patients going “hey, do you think we should move these over to the new doctor we just hired? Ehh, let’s not.”
In the meantime they’ve been promising to fax my prescriptions to the pharmacist every month. Guess how well that worked! I got to have some fun SSRI withdrawals and spent many days at work over the course of seven months repeatedly calling the front desk (they rarely answer the phone) and trying to explain that I’m already a patient and my records are in the file to someone who clearly does not plan on passing along my message.
ANYWAY I finally got to see the new doctor last week; at first I thought it was just my general bitterness that made me think he was kind of incompetent. But then I took my prescription to the pharmacy and they refused to fill it because IT WAS FILLED OUT INCORRECTLY. And not in like a “ha ha, doctors have bad handwriting” way, I mean he wrote both of my prescriptions on the same sheet and didn’t sign it in the right place. After a number of phone calls earlier this week, I now have to go there in person this afternoon.
What the fuck! I have pretty sweet insurance through work and I live in a large, well-served city. Why is it this bad?
This is so wrong. You deserve appropriate health care from competent professionals, *at the very least*. Wishing I could aggressively corner some of those fuckups for you and force them to face the consequences of their actions. I wanna watch them squirm.
Props to you for pursuing the care you need so consistently. Don’t give up. I know it’s tempting to just quit. So much effort. You can do it. I believe in you. ::Toasthugs::
It’s good to hear someone else state clearly that this is out of line. I have had so many terrible experiences with this stuff, and know so many people who are dealing with the same shit, that part of me is thinking “well, I guess this is as good as it gets.”
I am HERE for rants about ADHD meds. My regular doc was out and I had to see a male doc who decided it wasn’t enough to switch me immediately from instant release to extended release, he had to switch to a completely different drug with lesser abuse potential.
He made sure to remind me of the abuse potential of my current scrip at least twice. And questioned the credentials of my (female) psychologist. And shrugged at my efforts to chart med efficacy vs day of menstrual cycle. And laughed at my regular doc’s logic of giving me a teeny tiny dose of instant release to make sure we didn’t overshoot and have me wandering around stoned for hours. Because it’s so much better to overmedicate people, right?
Took three days to straighten that out with my insurance and finally get back on the original drug in an extended release form. “Nothing I can do about that, sorry,” he said. “Mmm,” I said, and called insurance myself, at 6:45 pm on a Thursday, and got approval 10 minutes later. “We haven’t heard from your doctor at all about this, I’m so sorry,” the insurance lady said. “MMMMMM,” I said.
I switched practices after that.
Oh my god I had a doctor like that too. The extended release was not working for me at all– I felt like I didn’t have any control over my dosage, it messed with my anxiety, and I ended up losing an unhealthy amount of weight because it killed my appetite all day. But the more important thing is to make sure that I can’t sell it on a street corner like I would obviously be doing otherwise, am I right
I mean, who is even abusing ssris that I have to give my address, phone number, summary of my last dream, and secret password to get mine?
Ugh I’m so sorry. Doctors are really not great at filling out prescriptions correctly and that fact is made so much worse when the rx is for a c2–depending on the laws in your state. The regulations are there for good reasons, but of course it just makes everything that much more difficult for people that need the medications for legitimate reasons. I used to work at a pharmacy and spent SO much time calling doctors’ offices to get them to fix prescriptions. I don’t have answers, just more :toasthugs: for you.
Oh god, what a nightmare.
I have been there. I hate that so much of my experience with medicine has been just trying to get the system to do what it has already told me we should do. It’s exhausting (and in the case of stopping medication, possibly actively dangerous). It has at a couple points for me been a HUGE barrier to treating my depression, and it just always feels like the system is demanding exactly the things I am struggling with–energy and consistent engagement. I once went round and round for weeks with the pharmacy, the psychiatrist, and the insurance company all telling me the mistake on the Rx was someone else’s and I needed to call x person.
I sincerely hope you get the meds you need and find a non-garbage provider. I’m sorry it’s been such a shitshow. Mad props for all the fighting you’re doing for your health.
You gotta find a new doctor’s office. That is completely unacceptable behavior and you deserve so much better. And if you’re in a large city, this garbage practice should have plenty of competitors. Does your insurance company have an online listing of in-network providers? I strongly recommend just cold-calling them and asking if they have openings and never speaking to the old place again.
I’m thinking about it but I keep seeing places that aren’t accepting new patients, which is discouraging knowing how hard it can be to get an appointment as an existing patient! I guess I just need to keep at it.
Hopefully the places that aren’t accepting new patients are doing that because they’re devoting their resources to giving their current patients a good experience (like, you know, scheduling them for the appointments they need, when they need them), and if you can get in with one of them, it’ll be so much better.
ETA: also, serious props to you for doing all this work for yourself even with all this BS – that is incredibly impressive.
Have you looked into whether there are any Psychiatric and Mental Health Nurse Practitioners (PMHNP) in your area?
In areas where psychiatrists have low availability, they are an increasingly popular alternative and typically FAR less overbooked. I haven’t seen a psychiatric MD for almost fifteen years, but have received timely and thoughtful care from two different PMHNPs with a minimum of calling around.
They have prescribing privileges and specialize in medication matching, monitoring and counseling, and most insurance companies are thrilled to cover them because they are CONSIDERABLY less expensive.
That’s a great idea that I hadn’t thought of.
Jesus Christ, and having to do all that work for mental healthcare, in particular. It takes enough energy just living with anxiety/depression/ADHD, nevermind having to chase your healthcare provider down every week to make sure you get your meds. Or don’t get them, as the case may be. I’m sorry you’ve had to ride the SSRI yo-yo train. That is the least fun train.
I live in a country which is famous for its incompetence, corruption, and bureaucracy, and I often daydream about moving back home to the US. But then when I read comments like yours I remember that it’s the same everywhere 🙁 At least in the country where I am, your prescription is yours – literally, you just hold on to the piece of paper and take it back to the pharmacy whenever you run out. Sometimes the doctor will write a “Take until {date}” but rarely. I wish the US had that system even though I know there are good reasons not to. Good luck getting your meds.
I’ve had caregiver experience with everything you’re talking about. It’s real and horrible and so fucked up. I’m so sorry; I hope they get their shit together soon, or you’re able to find and transfer to a better clinic.
Project managers of The Toast, work rant ahead: I just discovered that the only PM in my agency (outside of my digital producer team), doesn’t know how to use dependencies when doing a project plan. I discovered this because she called me over and made me MANUALLY EDIT all the dates of a project plan I gave her that she has transferred into her wider plan. When I tried to explain dependencies and how MS project will do that shit for you when you put them in, she said it was too complicated. This is an experienced agency PM who has been doing this for at least some years.
NO WONDER THIS COMPANY DOESN’T GET ANY WORK DONE. I am so done with this place.
Oh man. I am constantly appalled at the shit people do not know which is essential to their roles! My direct senior forgets about Google and will waste the time of 5 people to “just help him real quick” all the damn time. I would be an excellent Time-Wasting Auditor.
I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for your job hunt!
It baffles me how far people manage to get in life while being useless. Why can’t I be like that instead of having to fight tooth and nail for any bit of progress.
We have a paralegal at my firm who’s been working with business attorneys for over 25 years, and last month she told me she’d only just started using Excel. I know stuff is complicated, but life would be so much easier if people would use the tools available to them!
The clients for the industry I am in do not usually have licenses for MS project, so ALL of our project plans (even internally) are in MS excel and it. is a. nightmare. Almost everything is manual edit (except for a few elements we’ve hijacked formulas for).
We just send them PDFs saved out of MS project *shrug* its not like they can read them anyway.
However my agency, in its infinite wisdom, decided that MS was too expensive so we should all used SmartSheet instead. And then they only bought one SS licence for the whole company and since we still have our MS licences, my team still use that and then PM team use SS and no one talks to each other its great.
For about 5 minutes I was thinking ‘This smart sheet stuff is shit, it doesn’t even auto update your timelines’ and then I realized that this PM hadn’t put in any dependencies and doesn’t even know what they are. How does she ever get anything done? I just re-use old project files, change the start date and the name and hey presto, new project plan!
Aaargh how is this woman employed, and yet I can’t find a job? I would formulate everything beautifully for you.
Side rant: People who can’t read schedules. Just…look for the box that says “DUE.” That’s when your shit is due. Get it to me by then.
YOU GUYS!
Do you love mythology, mythical beasts, and compendiums thereof? Do you love slightly eerie artwork, and meticulous categorization?
WELL LOOK NO FURTHER, MY FRIENDS.
I stumbled across this AWESOME website of Japanese yokai yesterday. For those of you who don’t know what yokai are (me up until yesterday!), the site gives a definition:
Yokai, 妖怪, are strange and supernatural creatures from Japanese folklore. The word is a combination of the characters 妖 (yō) — attractive, bewitching, calamity — and 怪 (kai) — mystery, wonder.
Many different English words have been used as translations. Yokai is sometimes translated as monster, demon, spirit, or goblin, but it can encompass all of that and more. The world of yokai also includes ghosts, gods (kami), transformed humans and animals (bakemono), spirit possession (tsukimono), urban legends, and other strange phenomena. It is a broad and vague term, and nothing exists in the English language that quite describes it. Like samurai, geisha, ninja, and sushi, yokai is one of those words that just works better in its native tongue.
Check it out y’all, it’s amazing. Also, the yokai page I linked to above is for the kejōrō, a hairy prostitute yokai who wanders red-light districts and strangles young, virile men with her hair. I figured it would be the perfect entry point for Toasties into the world of yokai.
Mushi Shi is a very likeable anime on the same theme, for anyone looking for more. 🙂
I don’t think the mushi are really yokai, though? It has been years since I watched it, though.
Natsume Yuujinchou is another nice, low-key supernatural anime. The yokai are not evil! Every problem is not solved by fighting! *swoon*
(I’m going to have to see if I recognize any yokai from that website.)
seconded! Mushishi is great. Natsume Yuujinchou and Mononoke, too.
PHILLY TOASTIES! Posting late but I wanted to get this out here once more, since I posted here Friday and there was no Open Thread: There’s a free screening of National Treasure at Penn’s Landing on June 30th, and I’m also looking for a potentially intimate setting (i.e. a picnic or restaurant?) on July 1. Welcome any feedback.
Omfg that woman who wrote to Prullory because her husband puts trash in the tree? WHAT?
IN THE TREEEEEEEEEE
“he thinks he’s John Muir all of a sudden” made me crack up at my desk
I had to teach my husband not to just throw food scraps onto whatever outside bit of dirt or grass was handy. You can get away with it kinda if you live on a large and unmanicured property surrounded by woods, but not in a damn apartment complex. Also it’s a good way to attract vermin and composting does not work that way, good night.
I would pay cold hard cash to have Mallory settle domestic disputes.
*claws face* Why would you leave it IN A TREE????
Related: the latest slate plus only has the title “my family thinks I’m horrible for divorcing my wife 1 month after she gave birth” and I’m dying to read it but I’m not slate plus AAAHHHH
This is now available to non-Slate+ and (spoiler alert) he’s horrible.
Why do people have to offer up their opinions on things people do with their weddings? My dad’s mum was angry about the flower choice so she went to the florist and changed it. Even if it’s the stupidest Wedding Thing ever (which, not having a dad/daughter dance is not), just, y’know, silently judge.
Anyway it’s my birthday today and I got a nintendo DS and ocarina of time, so I’m officially 13 going on 30.
Happy birthday!
(*toodles ‘Song of Time’ at you on ocarina*)
I was raised in the Catholic Church, and would have gotten just over half of those religion questions completely right. Now I’m wondering where in Matthew it says, “For I was hungry and you gave Me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, I was naked and you did not clothe Me, I was sick and in prison and you did not visit Me–but, hey, I blew the pop quiz, so it’s cool.”
Hey Guys!!!!
Do we have any TOASTIES in San Diego? I’d love to do a meet up on July 1st cocktails maybe to talk about our dear friend The Toast.
Hey! I know there are a couple of us.
Also, how unhelpful is that?? If you’ve joined the slack club, there is a channel called (I think) _socal that is how I know this. There is also a Google group.
Thanks for the info! What’s this slack thing though?
Hello! I am totes interested. 🙂
I may have to investigate this slack thing.
Great great great! I don’t know what it is myself but it’d be great to get a few of us together.
“If seekers answer the questions incorrectly, they can be rejected for not being true converts. But if they answer correctly, they can be rejected for simply memorizing the correct thing to say.”
Hmmm, where have I heard that kind of thing before?
http://www.foxearth.org.uk/SwimmingOfWitches.html
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Thank you!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Thank you!!
Yay, Happy Birthday!!!!
Hahhaa this is amazing!
so yesterday lemonadefish commented about job anxiety and i was like Ha Ha Me Too! because i’m doing exploratory searches, in case things fall through with my current job (which I otherwise adore, and would rather not leave)
anyway one exploratory application had this 65-70minute assessment (I forget the exact estimated time) and I was like “oh, wow, some math and reading comprehension and a little bit of personality test, annoying but whatever” and then I did it and it was some of the most insulting nonsense. 20-25 minute logic exam??? which I love doing normally, and these kinds of puzzles are one of my favorite things about the admin/planning side of my current job, but 1/3 of the way through I was like Fuck This Nonsense I’m Not Even Half-Way and stopped bothering to read the questions/answers just to get through it. And then there was the DISC personality test which was annoying as hell and I don’t do well with those tests because my anxiety disorder skews my answers (I know because I did one with a therapist once and she pointed out that my answers may have been technically truthful, but the answers I discounted or ignored were also correct, based on her observations of me and her interpretations of what I told her about myself – and sure enough, we did an exercise when I was on a low anxiety/depression phase and she was right, that I am better at interpersonal stuff than i think, etc)
I figured that with my Anxiety-brain/pessimistic personality profiling and completely ignoring the logic test would throw my application out and not let it go any further, and it was kind of a relief, because I hate change and it was all very stressful.
But then I got an email an hour ago about coming in to chat in person, and I don’t know if I want to do that, after such an awful application process, or that I’m ready to move to a prelim interview so fast. I am so sick with anxiety about it right now. It’s affecting the rest of my work a little negatively, because the knot in my belly and Fight or Flight feelings are messing with my head.
I don’t know what kind of advice I want or anything, but A) holy crap that assessment thing was utter nonsense and I really am offended by it (even if I understand the purpose) and B) i need my anxiety brain to GO AWAY.
I hope that the prelim exam isn’t an indicator of their clinic — sometimes the exams get foisted on them for silly X reason. I hope that was just the worst of your experiences with them and it’s uphill from here. Because you do deserve not to feel this way on a daily basis!
It’s a test for a job application!!!
Which honestly takes away SO MUCH excitement about the job prospect, which was presented to me before I had fully decided whether or not I want to stay with my current one (thus, exploratory applications to see what’s available). Also the job is for a Catholic-affiliated nonprofit which while I appreciate the work Catholic non-profits do and grew up Catholic, I’m not very comfortable with having religious stuff in my periphery at work. I like working in a 100% secular org.
Ack — I apologize for my failure of reading comprehension! ::headdesk:: So sorry about that.
And yes, all your reservations are correct.
Oh, no, it was a wall of text, and I emphasized previous therapy stuff, so I didn’t think anything of the msiunderstanding, just “it’s even worse than that!” 😀
I’m trying to decide if I want to go to the prelim interview just for the experience of it to help with future anxiety, or to back out saying the application assessment was off-putting. That seems like an unprofessional way to deal with it, though.
No no, I definitely conflated your comment with a couple previous comments, and I was about to leave my computer so I was like “I’ll just make this point real fast!” but no, it was completely unhelpful because this is a COMPLETELY different situation!
How long can you wait before responding? Give yourself a few hours, at least — take a walk, listen to music, think of other things — and see how you feel about it later.
EMPLOYMENT tests like the one you describe are 100% bullshit, they are literally (intentionally or not) screening out those who don’t have the stamina to get through them for a LOT of different reasons. And they’re losing good candidates in the process.
I would have a lot of hesitation working for a Catholic organization if you don’t yourself support Catholic principles or aren’t comfortable with religion at work. My BFF is Catholic, we write a gay love story together, and I go with her to mass occasionally, but if I read those pamphlets out in the lobby — OOF, I get angry.
I’ve established with the guy I’m talking with that I can’t really respond during the workday, and I’ve been communicating mostly in the late evening, so it’s not urgent. I’m mostly annoyed that I saw the email on my phone and didn’t swipe to remove it from the notifications before reading the preview, which is my usual thing (swipe to hide, check it when I get home). So now I’m thinking about it all day!
He said that it’s not “really” a Catholic org, but I didn’t make it explicit that I’m atheist and I have very negative reactions to being in a religious environment because of growing up catholic. There’s apparently sometimes prayers before meetings and prayer/spiritual stuff posted around, but they don’t expect people to be Catholic or even religious at all (it’s a huge org!). BUT there’s prayers at meetings and religious statements in my workplace! and the application made me check a box saying that I live a spiritual life that does not conflict with the org’s mission, which is a big lie. (It’s a medical org)
So actually, you know, as I explain this, I think the stupid assessment last night really was just the tipping point. I was already disinclined to go very far because of the religion thing, but kept thinking “how bad can it be” – but look at me, I have a hugely negative response to it that I was trying to minimize!
Thank you for replying to my comments and prompting me to type this out and thus figuring things out a bit more.
I’m so glad I ended up being helpful after all! Whew. And go you for figuring it out!
With you on both points re: online assessments that don’t mean shit and also on anxiety brain making things ten thousand times more complicated than they should be, which feeds into anxiety brain, which makes things more complicated, etc.
I think that if going in for a chat doesn’t affect the rest of your life too much (like, if you don’t have to take too much time off work, etc.), it might be worth going in – maybe you’ll find out that the hiring person also thinks these tests are stupid but has to do them for higher-up reasons, or maybe you’ll find out that the entire work culture is like this, which would not be nice to find out but if I were in this situation it would help shut up the part of my anxiety brain that would be like “hey, stupid,* you should have just gone for it, it was probably your dream job.”
TL;DR: I find that my anxiety responds well to having more information; YMMV.
*You’re not stupid and neither am I, but anxiety brains are jerks
It’s frustrating because I had mostly decided that the opportunity is nice, and better than nothing, but I’m not fully comfortable with working for a religious-adjacent non-profit and the only reason I didn’t back out right away was that it IS better than nothing. So flubbing the application assessment thing was a relief – the decision was out of my hands.
It’s the first person I talked to since I even thought “maybe I should start looking around” not 2 weeks ago, so it’s going really fast, too, and I’m not fully committed to leaving my current org. Why do I have to make decisions or take risks??
Thanks for replying (and the thanks is also for redheadedwolf above!) – I appreciate the feedback, it’s going to help me reframe my pessimist/anxiety thoughts and hopefully not obsess over the whole thing instead of doing my actual job!
<3 I feel you about anxiety brain and job search woes.
POSSIBLE FREE MONEY ALERT [srlsy and actually tho]
Hey, do y’all know about unclaimed property?
Unclaimed property (sometimes referred to as abandoned) refers to accounts in financial institutions and companies that have had no activity generated or contact with the owner for one year or a longer period. Common forms of unclaimed property include savings or checking accounts, stocks, uncashed dividends or payroll checks, refunds, traveler’s checks, trust distributions, unredeemed money orders or gift certificates (in some states), insurance payments or refunds and life insurance policies, annuities, certificates of deposit, customer overpayments, utility security deposits, mineral royalty payments, and contents of safe deposit boxes.
What this means in laywoman’s terms is that you just might have some unclaimed money sitting in an account somewhere. Every state has an unclaimed property department (take a look at this website to find yours) that you can search to see if you have unclaimed property in that state. You can also go to <a href=”http://www.MissingMoney.com” target=”_blank”>www.MissingMoney.com and search your name, which will pull up accounts in multiple states.
I am not guaranteeing that everyone will have unclaimed property, but a fair number of people do! I found over $300 in unclaimed property for my boss yesterday, ~ $250 for co-worker, $107 for another co-worker’s boyfriend, and $50ish for my sister. Plus, searching is addictive as heck, so even if there isn’t something for you, you can search ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY and possible find money for them, which will make them love you even more than they already do.
Try iiiiiiiiiiiiiit! And if you want, please tell me how much you found for yourself or another person. I LIVE for this kind of stuff!
Sweet! I found one for me that is “under $100”
Noice!
I bet that the amount is between $50 and $100, because I’ve seen amounts that are categorized as “$50 or less”. So yay! That’s a sweet lil’ chunk o’ change.
And what a perfect birthday gift from….yourself! 😀
Most excellent!!! Thanks for the great tip! 😀
I love looking at this every few months or so! My name is Smith so I don’t often find stuff for myself in the long list of Smiths, but have found $$ for friends and family! 😀
Do you want to speculate on what The Rock is carrying in his massive bag? Of course you do!
http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/06/here-is-what-the-…
The Guardian have a good, balanced, article about the phenomenon of Asian migrants to Europe converting to Christianity:
A growing number of Muslim refugees in Europe are converting to Christianity, according to churches, which have conducted mass baptisms in some places.
Reliable data on conversions is not available but anecdotal evidence suggests a pattern of rising church attendance by Muslims who have fled conflict, repression and economic hardship in countries across the Middle East and central Asia.
Complex factors behind the trend include heartfelt faith in a new religion, gratitude to Christian groups offering support during perilous and frightening journeys, and an expectation that conversion may aid asylum applications.
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/05/euro…
I don't know about that advice, because I grew up in one city where I was allergic to at least a couple of pollens (one definitely privet) and dust, and in each of the three cites and two countries I've lived in subsequently, I really only get annoying outbreaks from inhaling dust. Like when doing the crappy vacuuming.
There are a fair number of poplar trees where I'm living now, which lots of people are sensitive to, and I haven't developed an allergy to those in the decade I've been here.
I find that I'm not as reactive when I return to my home city, interestingly enough. I've pretty much avoided spring there, and it seems my sensitivity threshold is lower in general.
So while it's just one anecdote, my experience has been positive.
Have to second the JOB FIRST advice. The 6 weeks I spent jobless in London were horrendous. Other places I moved to, having a job meant much less stress.
I'm not all "the cloud is the solution!!!1!", but have you considered a cloudy provider if you develop project plans for disparate organisations? Basecamp et al?
Wow, I'm a lowly sysadmin, and even I know you pretty much start with the dependencies? Wow.
That seems to have been the experience of a lot of people on this thread! It's encouraging to hear that.