Women and French dudes have long held a monopoly on scented candles, using them to create exotic olfactory worlds from tropical ylang-ylang, invigorating bergamot, or sensual white musk. Until now, straight-guy fragrances have been largely one-note (i.e. Yankee Candle’s “MMM, Bacon” Mandle). But men have grown weary of the matriarchy’s domination of the novelty candle market. They want to be transported as well—but not too far. Who can find Capri on a map, anyway? Here, complex, aspirational fragrances specifically for bros.
SCENTED CANDLES FOR REGULAR GUYS
Each of our handmade, soy-based* candle burns for 35 hours**.
Iron Maiden Concert
Top notes: Beer breath, Slim Jims, virgin sweat. Middle notes: Basement mold spores, acne cream. Bottom notes: Sour diesel, motor oil.
Last Call at TGIFridays
Top notes: Tuscan spinach dip, self-tanner. Middle notes: Beard oil, Margarita mix. Bottom note: off-brand body spray.
Down the Shore
Top notes: Funnel cake, sea breeze, tanning oil. Middle notes: Barbicide, human growth hormone. Bottom note: Sausage and pepper sangwitch.
Brooklyn Small Batch
Top notes: Artisanal pickle essence, Grady’s Cold Brew. Middle notes: Bed bug pheromones, kombucha. Bottom notes: Butane, Korean taco extract.
Client Dinner
Top notes: Shoe polish, Rogaine essence. Middle notes: Aged steak, drawn butter, garlic. Bottom notes: Truffle oil, Dentyne Ice.
Bachelor Party
Top notes: Bootleg Cuban cigar ash, Coors Light, tattoo balm. Middle notes: Cocaine, gun shot residue. Bottom notes: Tao beach sand, the spermicidal mucous from inside a Trojan wrapper.
Thursday Night Pick-Up Basketball
Top notes: Rubber, wood polish. Middle notes: Ben Gay, Muscle Milk flatus. Bottom notes: Electrolytes, Irish Spring.
Opportunity Knocks
Top notes: Binaca, high-quality resume paper. Middle note: Knuckle blood (dried). Bottom notes: Ramen noodles.
Regret
Top notes: Sawdust, paint thinner, HGTV magazine. Middle note: Knuckle blood (wet). Bottom note: ER antiseptic, sterile gauze.
Apocalypse Bunker
Top notes: Singed photographs, Marlboro Reds. Middle notes: Tears, canned peaches. Bottom notes: Jim Beam, Bible dust, MREs.
* Recent studies prove that burning soy candles does not affect testosterone levels, but if you experience erectile dysfunction or gynecomastia (moobs), snuff out the candle immediately and call a doctor.
**In bro-time: 10 baseball games or 70 episodes of Family Guy; or one MMA fight night—including Facebook prelims, cable TV undercards, and PPV headliners.
