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Home: The Toast

1. Allison Janney’s performance as C.J. Cregg on The West Wing.

2. Using the Boer War as a metaphor for things that are really, really old.

3. Informing someone that “flaccid” used to be pronounced “flak-sid,” but “flass-id” DOES sound more appropriate given the image it creates.

4. When you are six minutes away from bailing on someone so you can stay home and watch TV, and they cancel on you first.

5. Stevie Wonder’s performance of “Superstition” on Sesame Street.

6. Robert Munsch’s The Paper Bag Princess.

7. Shows featuring Timothy Olyphant as an angry person with hats and really low-riding jeans.

8. Nice tributes to the guy who wrote one of the books that became one of the shows featuring Timothy Olyphant as an angry person with hats and really low-riding jeans.

9. Eating in any position other than upright and at a table.

10. Celebrity blind items where someone has clearly gotten it right in the comments and everyone agrees but you wouldn’t have figured it out on your own.

11. Very slow remixes of “Jolene.”

12. Pointing out that you’ve always liked “Jolene.”

13. Getting to explain what steampunk is to someone who has not yet heard of the idea of steampunk.

14. Books about death in the Grand Canyon.

15. Books about death in Yellowstone.

16. Books about death in Yosemite.

17. When elderly black people are friends with elderly white people in real life, not just on benches in ads for statins.

18. Pappardelle.

19. The opportunity to correct someone for having a cell phone conversation on Amtrak’s Quiet Car.

20. Saying “a raisin is a horrible thing to do to a grape” to someone who hasn’t heard you say it every time someone mentions raisins.

21. Middle-aged Canadian lesbian stoners.

22. kd lang

23. Listening to kd lang with middle-aged Canadian lesbian stoners while eating pappardelle.

24. A new video about cats on YouTube that has enough of an original hook to it that you can share it on Facebook.

25. Anne Helen Petersen’s “Scandals of Classic Hollywood” series.

26. Dessert menus that have something which is basically just a huge, upscale Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

27. Pretending you’re singing Kirsty MacColl’s half of the “Fairytale of New York” duet by the Pogues in a a karaoke bar, while Sean Bean sings the other half, because you’re dating and he doesn’t care if people know.

28. When movies are made now, but set in the 1970s.

29. Anticipating how amazing smartphones will be in twenty years.

30. Thinking about how embarrassing it will be for Adam Levine’s kids to watch his music videos.

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