100% genuine gossip, sourced by Our Woman in Hastings County. Information provided for entertainment purposes only, keep it to yourself.
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What middle-aged brother and sister who live off Old Highway 2 just past the four corners have been secretly adjusting the damper on their fireplace every time the other leaves the room for the last eight years? Sources report that heavy sighs and performative sweater-donning have reached an all-time high, and attempts by well-meaning family members to intervene continue to meet with silence from both camps.
As our tipster reports: “there’s no point explaining how the damper works, it takes less time to do it myself. You just stand there where you can see his car coming down the lane and holler.”
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What prominent nonagenarian is sitting on not one, but two glass pie-plates belonging to a fellow parishoner at Holy Name of Mary? Sources report that’s the last time that parishoner will agree to operate the religious goods counter instead of keeping her eye on clean-up.
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What Napanee resident recently moved to a new apartment rather than confront her landlady again about her failed promise to fix the window sealing? “It’s been eleven years, she said she’d do one a year, and she’s only done two in all that time,” a third party whispered to our reporter. “What choice did [redacted] have?” The landlady in question believes the tenant to have moved to a bungalow in order to downsize, but we hear the new apartment has two stories, just like the old one. What if they meet while at the Bank of Montreal on Center Street and uncomfortable questions are asked? Watch this space for developments.
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Everyone knows there are two different switches to operate the pump in the basement, one to pull the water from the cistern and one to fill the cistern from the well, but what middle-aged brother, a mainstay of Southern Ontario gossip columns, can never find the second one unless you yell down to the basement to talk him through it?
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What local Sheltie (not pictured) has still failed to seal the deal as a stud dog? He tries, the sweet boy, but doesn’t seem to have a clue what’s expected of him. Beginning to think those things are just there for show!
The plot thickens: No interest in doing the job he’s been assigned, but come spring he’ll get across the road and go visit that German Shepherd bitch every chance he gets.
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What go-getting sixty-something do-gooder has been spotted making weed brownies for the elderly and infirm? Some say she should put a little bud in with the shake, but others say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
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What visiting ladyblogger notably failed to eat her salad on Wednesday night? Apparently, she only pushed it around on her plate. Did the ladyblogger really fill up on poutine not one hour before, as she claimed? Did she not make her aversion to raw onions known when the salad was being prepared? Does she have an eating disorder? Is that why she’s been wearing the same oversized Old Navy hoodie since she arrived and hasn’t so much as taken a comb to her hair? She’s been receiving querying text messages about it, but we suspect she’ll be confronted in person before much longer.
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What television meteorologist looks better in bright colours? You wouldn’t think that red jeans and a wine-coloured top would work, but we’re told that she once wore a black sheath, turned sideways, and disappeared from view completely. Is she better than the short meteorologist? Opinions differ. How does she rank against the old meteorologist who was also on the Olympic curling team? It’s times like these we rely on the collective memory of our elders: area dads think the one in bright colours says “and so” too often, but that the one who was on the curling team always wore garish lipstick. The short one? No excuse for having a man read the weather.
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What former village mailman continues to be living #hisbestlife in a Belleville nursing home? All he’s ever wanted is to have a piece of paper with the menu for his next seven meals displayed in an easily-accessible location, you know. A bevy of area widows wouldn’t mind moving in on that river-view front room, but the man never went on a date in his life and doesn’t want to start now. Rumor has it his failing memory is easily concealed by addressing all women as “Mary.” On the rare chance a woman in a nursing home in Belleville is NOT called Mary, “I mistook you for your younger sister” is all the rejoinder he’ll ever need.
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If you live between Belleville and Kingston, south of Highway 7, and have any tidbits for this column, please email the author. Your privacy is guaranteed.
Tags: cancon, gossip, intrigue, something something canada, weird true tales
I thought Napanee was decidedly Eastern Ontario??
Sounds too much like Communism.
I HAVE A VERY SNEAKING SUSPICION ABOUT THE WHOABOUTS OF #7. VERRRRRY SNEAKING SUSPICION.
MALLORY.
It’s Nicole! I’m not in Canada!
Oh crap, I got my ladybloggers mixed up over who was visiting whom and where. That’s what I get for trying to weigh in on blind items.
It’s obviously Jake Gyllenhaal.
i expect this is the closest to thing celebrity gossip updates we’ll see here. another reason i love the toast.
The antics of that middle-aged brother! He is such a buffoon. I swear, each and every time I think “no! there’s no way… this is the ABSOLUTE LIMIT of his tomfooleryness.” But does he outdo himself the next time? YES HE DOES.
Aw, “area dads!” It’s like an Onion article, except that it’s charming instead of depressing.
BRB SCREECHING THIS IS MY STOMPING GROUNDS
I WAS JUST ON HIGHWAY 2 THIS MORNING
I AM IN BELLEVILLE THIS INSTANT
fame
I should also note that these must all date from last week, because we received so much snow and terrible storminess over the weekend that the only topic of conversation today has been “What ABOUT that snow, eh?” and “How many people did you see in the ditch?”
We literally just got dug out half an hour ago. Mallory has been getting Donner-esque texts from me since last week.
I was out at 7am this morning in the unplowed parking lot of my building trying desperately to unearth the car. Let’s just say it’s a very good thing I own The Ugly Snow Boots because anything marked “fashion boot” would not have a hope in hell.
You should see the drifts by my work. EPIC.
If you ate your salad, you wouldn’t have to eat people!
Love, love, love this! It’s Stuart Mclean meets Hedda Hopper (with a dash of Alice Munro). Totally dee-lish!
This gossip is a long draught of home.
For some reason I am picturing the two raccoons from The a Great Outdoors dictating this column.
Discarded sketches for Alice Munro’s newest collection. (Alternative title)
Tell me more about this miscreant Sheltie! Though I can’t say I totally disapprove of Sheltie/German Shepherd puppies.
I love this so much and want one for my rural MN hometown. Who are the favorites for drum major of the local marching band? Who left their dock in scandalously late? Just what IS going on with the public health board?
Belleville and Napanee on The Toast? Never have I felt closer to you, dearest website.
My parents live on Amherst Island and there’s some good dirt to be had there, let me tell you – the ferry workers alone could fill up another column.
As a former resident of Tamworth, this whole thing excites me greatly. Greatly! Also my parents could easily fit one or two of these items.
My dad’s girlfriend is from Tamworth.
My in-laws’ house is just east of there, closest towns Parham and Sharbot Lake.
Also, my dad\’s girlfriend wants to know who you are, because if you used to live in Tamworth she probably knows you.
She might know my parents! Cam and Michelle Mather? (I’m their daughter Nicole)
And now I want to know who she is!
SHELTIE.
😀
Apparently rural south Ontario is not all that different from rural NW Washington State, which I visited recently. No salad was pushed about, though.
+1000
Holy crap, this could be right out of my in-laws’ beloved Central Frontenac News…except I’ve never seen anything as juicy/exciting as weed brownies in that publication.
Canadians are a friendly and super-relaxed people and I will leave it at that.
Holy crap, this could be right out of my in-laws' beloved Central Frontenac News…except I've never seen anything as juicy/exciting as weed brownies in that publication.
My in-laws' house is just east of there, closest towns Parham and Sharbot Lake.
Hokey doodle! Next you’ll be mentioning North Fred and South Fred!
And maybe a little Bill Richardson, too.
And digging back into the Archives: which resident of the Helen was offering oral service to male members of the retirement residence ohhhh not sooooo long ago?
Reliable sources* at that time revealed that a dramatic increase in commuters down that particular hallway led to traffic jams resulting in extended periods sitting in traffic.
*The late owner of the Double H.
Yay rural Southern Ontario! I have relatives in Brighton & Belleville (the landmark to their street is the Go Go Club), and I worked at Presqu’ile (way better than Sandbanks, don’t even argue – so many fewer people! An actual lighthouse!) for several summers.
I’m just outside of southern Ontario so you can’t gossip about me. Ha! Ha!