E.M. Freeburg’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
- Who the fuck is Trevor?
- What is Trevor’s last name and current address?
- Did you know your buddy Trevor has a gun and mugs people on Tuesday nights?
- How experienced is Trevor as a mugger? Given his professional, no-nonsense demeanor and efficiency on Tuesday night, I would have assumed he was an old hand at this. But the fact that he was apparently using my old phone for personal business immediately after stealing it from me seems to indicate a level of inexperience or thoughtlessness that surprises me.
- I mean, he was smart enough to turn off the Google Maps tracking on the phone once he took it from me, but he’s not smart enough to realize that simply taking the phone from me does not mean the phone number now belongs to him? Really?
- Did he think I was just going to keep paying the phone plan? The phone plan that’s connected to the debit card he also took from me?
- He called at least five of you within the few hours between when he took my phone and when I activated my new one. Is Trevor that popular? Is he kinda needy? Are you super bummed that you keep not getting ahold of Trevor at this number or are you kinda pleased that you don’t have to deal with him needing to talk every fifteen goddamn minutes?
- I noticed in the summary of the phone records I pulled online that most of your calls have been under one minute long. What’s that about?
- How does he feel about the selfies of me on the camera roll? I’ve got a pretty shaky hand, I know, but I think I was starting to get the hang of it.
- Can you confirm for me that Trevor lives in the suburbs, where all of your calls are coming from, and not in my neighborhood in the city? I’m pretty confident of that at this point but I would like some reassurance that I’m not gonna run into Trevor at the corner store.
- Sorry, Trevor who? I didn’t quite catch that.
- Does it not piss you off that by giving you this number, Trevor’s putting you in a situation where you may now be investigated in relationship to a robbery charge? Like, come on, Trevor. Think about how your actions affect other people. Grow up.
- What kinds of dogs are those barking in the background when you called this morning? I really love dogs but my landlord won’t let me have them in my apartment. I’m probably not responsible enough for one yet anyway.
- If I’d had a dog, would Trevor have left me alone?
- Does no one in your social circle understand how phones work? When one of you called last night, I picked up the phone, waited silently, and whoever was calling (he said his name was Joe) proceeded to attempt to leave a voicemail. I had to try really hard not to laugh. That would probably have given it away. The half a bottle of wine I’d drunk didn’t help much.
- By the way, who is Joe?
- Joe, when you said you had “some work for” Trevor in your attempted voicemail, did you mean criminal work? Or are you just a regular dude who doesn’t realize this scrub you know named Trevor gave you the number of a stolen phone?
- I’m gonna be straight with you, Mike, if you’re looking to hire Trevor for some extra-legal activities, you should know that he clearly is a liability who doesn’t understand how phones work. Is that the kind of guy you want working for you? The kind of guy who leaves a trail?
- To be honest, given that my eyes have now been opened to the fact that the social contract doesn’t exist and there are no rules for how people interact with one another, I’d probably be a better choice. I am very well versed in phone technology, am a fast learner, and currently feel completely disconnected from reality—I don’t have my own gun, though, so I suppose Trevor has that advantage. Still—interested?
- Is he enjoying the big crack across the screen? Serves him fucking right.
- What the fuck kind of a name is Trevor, anyway?
- Why won’t my assigned detective answer my emails?
- Why did this happen to me?
- Can you ask Trevor what it was about me? I mean, I was a woman walking alone with a backpack after dark, so yeah, I know what it was about me. But still.
- Can you ask Trevor if he followed me from my apartment? I really would like to know if he knows where I live. I would also accept knowing where he lives.
- Can you ask Trevor for a review of my performance? I thought I was pretty compliant and polite. I said “thank you” when he let me go. Overall I thought our transaction went as well as it could have, but I’d love some feedback on how I could improve next time.
- If I’d run, would he have given up or would that have just made things worse?
- Would you please thank Trevor for not touching me? I really appreciate that he didn’t touch me. I really appreciate that he didn’t do a lot of things. I can’t sleep because I keep thinking about how thankful I am for all the things he didn’t do.
- Does Trevor just not have his own phone? That would suck. I bought a new one the next morning because it was so weird to not have a phone on me. Did Trevor keep mine because the cracked screen meant he couldn’t sell it? I guess that makes sense.
- Would he really have shot me? I mean, you know him, so give me your honest opinion: is that a guy who could pull the trigger? It was over in a minute and I kept my eyes on the gun most of the time, so I didn’t get that much of a read on him as a person. What do you think? How lucky am I?
I am amused and somewhat upset.
Yeah, I feel pretty much exactly the same way.
Yes. I am sorry this happened but also glad that it did so I could read it. I am a terrible person.
“Amusing but upsetting” was pretty much exactly the vibe I was going for so you’re all in the clear.
Aaaah how horrifying I am really glad you’re not hurt but wow what stress and anxiety you must feel. I’m so sorry.
“humor sort-of” is the perfect tag. Very ha-ha ouch reading, which I appreciated / teared up at.
My girlfriend and I got mugged at gunpoint on Christmas, so this is timely in a painful yet reassuring sort of way.
Oh no! I’m so, so sorry. Hope you’re both ok, and glad I could…help?
Thanks! We’re both okay, or at least getting there. Our assigned detective actually said they’re in the process of nabbing our mugger for another robbery (and possibly ours, if they can), so…that’s something?
This is tremendous. Also: sorry! But tremendous just the same.
YIKES. Trevor is indeed an idiot giving people your phone number, I hope the police find him. Glad you’re OK.
Me too, please keep us updated!
My phone was once stolen by a drug dealer and two years later I’m still getting calls about “the goods.”
I used to live upstairs from a drug dealer whose customers came to my apartment by mistake looking to buy crack at 3 am.
My granny, who is the WASP-iest lady ever, told me that before she was married she shared an apartment with a friend, and above them there were two nice working-class girls who seemed to have a lot of male friends over. It was only after a while that she realized they were sex workers. She said some men got the wrong bell, and she enjoyed answering the door and seeing the dismay and shame wash over the clients as they beheld her in her twinset and pearls.
Christ! My calls petered out after about a week and a half, thank God. How do you handle them at this point?
Sometimes I tell them they have the wrong number. Sometimes I go on rants about how morally depraved it is to steal. Other times I pretend to be a little old lady and talk to them as though I think they’re my grandson and they get very polite and apologetic.
Oh man, that’s actually kind of sad. You’re being contacted by all the people the drug dealer didn’t like enough to give his new number to.
Phone muggings, aren’t they the best? Ugh, I’m sorry you had to experience this, hopefully your hapless mugger’s friends can bring you some recourse. Most of the time these things just get filed away, no chance of finding the person.
I SO feel you on number 28, feeling lucky for what someone didn’t do but might have been expected to do in that situation. Had a break-in to my apartment, my bedroom specifically, while I was sleeping and I woke up during it (didn’t see the person). Took my phone from where it was sitting, right next to my pillow. So many people tell me I was lucky they ran off as soon as I showed signs of waking…and they’re right, but boy does it suck that the bar is so damn low.
Good god, that is horrifying. I’m so sorry that happened to you, luck be damned.
Ugh, that is so terrifying. That would mess with me for ages; hope you’re dealing with it ok. And yes, it’s weird that the automatic (internal and external) reaction to these types of things is “THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER” and “it could have been way worse” at the same time.
Thanks, I hope the same for you!
I’m really hoping Trevor’s general incompetence means we’ll be getting a happy update about his arrest very soon.
Also in answer to #21, Trevor is one of those names where you COULD have a perfectly normal friend named Trevor and you’d never even think about his name, but also if you found out that your absolute idiot of a mugger was numbed Trevor it would not surprise you in the least.
I have only ever known complete jerkwads named Trevor. I think it must go with the territory.
My husband’s name is Trevor, but I’ve started feeling pretty ambivalent towards him since I read this article.
Yeah, how could they not catch him, really?
Too busy shaking down drug dealers? Not making any unnecessary arrests?
Man, I am so sorry this happened to you. Fuck Trevor and fuck his stupid friends. I hope they all get busted and sent to a dark hole in the ground and there are maggots in their food. And also bits of glass.
But you emerged (physically) unscathed, which means you did all the right things. Managing the aftermath with humor is an excellent strategy. But still, I hope you are OK.
God! Fucking TREVOR!
Smokes, let’s go!
Yeah, I was thinking Ricky probably put him up to this.
Oh, Trevor.
This is such a creepy situation. I hate that it happened to you
I have a hunch that in addition to being a kind of inept mugger, Trevor is also a kind of inept drug dealer, or wannabe drug dealer. He’s the guy that a friend of a friend of a friend’s cousin knows, and he has never once come through. I’m sure we have all known a Trevor at some point in our lives.
I have a hunch that Trevor is an addict who didn’t previously mug people but is now desperate, though confused about the details of criminal enterprise. Probably thought to himself, “I know, I will mug someone to get money for dope like in The Basketball Diaries! That will totally work!”
Please tell me the assigned detective did his/her due fucking diligence as well as you did. Because Jesus. So many clues.
Goddamn Trevor. I’m so sorry this happened to you. One time my mom’s purse was stolen on a train in India, including her phone. They called our other working phone AND took selfies on the phone (which we eventually got back when they were caught). It definitely makes me much more nervous about traveling.
This piece is actually genius.
Trevor is such a shithead. I hope the detective emails you back asap and that you feel better soon.
31. Why are you calling and asking me to pick you up at Best Buy? Is there even really a payphone there?
“THEY GOT HIM!!! Somebody stuck him with a stake through the heart! Oh, this is so sad! Oh Trevor, I pine for you. ”
OH NO TREVORRRR
Think hard: does this man look familiar?
<a href=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3-hk-pXsM” target=”_blank”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3-hk-pXsM
Oh god, so much this. I was mugged eight years ago, and so many of the details ring true. (I may still be unable to purchase anything from T-mobile, after the jackass who mugged me bought $500 from them.) Hope that things resolve soon and your detective does due diligence!
I always thought I was being safe by wearing a backpack (instead of a nice purse or something) but people target women with backpacks?? I guess nothing is actually safe; bags are just random fabrics encasing jerkbait
I had my laptop in mine, which I’m guessing is often the case with the backpack-toting type. If there’s anything I’ve (unfortunately) learned from the experience, it’s that there’s really no predicting it and no preventing it. Wrong place, wrong time.
I know someone named Trevor who was mugged at gunpoint. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN???
THIS GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!
He had just withdrawn cash from the ATM, which the mugger took. The mugger pulled the same thing a few times that night, near the same place, and then police caught him. Trevor’s cash was taken as ‘evidence’ he never got it back lolol
Wow! I would much rather my money be stolen by someone desperate who robbed me than be stolen by a paid authority who has power over me. That’s like your coworker being a dick to you vs. your boss being a dick to you. What the hell kind of evidence do you need that isn’t like… look for fingerprints? And then give the money back?
SOME FURTHER DETAILS since several of y’all have asked:
1) This happened in November, and while I did receive one (1) response from the detective in charge, I never heard anything more, so Trevor et al are most likely still roaming free. Such is life. To be fair, I doubt anything the police would have actually done would have satisfied me much, as “take his gun away and give him another way to make money” isn’t their usual response to these things. So I’ll call it a wash.
2) Confession: the names in this piece were changed to protect the innocent and otherwise. But I PROMISE his name was just as funny as Trevor.
3) I recently walked by myself to get a milkshake after dark, so my desire for desserts is officially stronger than my trauma. Thanks to everyone for all the sympathetic comments—I wasn’t really expecting them, which seems silly in retrospect, but still. Thanks. I shall be ok, as will everyone else in these comments who’s had similar experiences.
Has a dude named Corey been calling a lot?
Smokes! Let’s go!
So much sympathy, and this is a really creative and enlightening way to explore what happened to you. I was pickpocketed once, and that’s definitely not as terrifying and traumatizing as having a gun pointed at you, but I still definitely felt violated and unsafe and like the entire world was my enemy for the next few days. Spring break in Spain and I did not want to go outdoors. Fortunately it was raining.
“28. Would you please thank Trevor for not touching me? I really appreciate that he didn’t touch me. I really appreciate that he didn’t do a lot of things. I can’t sleep because I keep thinking about how thankful I am for all the things he didn’t do.”
This made me tear up.
I was on vacation in San Francisco and had my point-‘n-shoot and phone swiped out of my double-latched camera bag. That’s a good pickpocket right there.
Anyway, once I get home and swap my account over the a new SIM card, I boot up my replacement phone to from a bunch of voicemails from who I assume were these tweaker assholes in L.A. “Wah wah wah, I’m a tweaker! Wah wah wah!” Super annoying.
So I changed my voicemail message to that of Sam Cartwright, FDA Special Agent assigned to the Pacific Northwest E. coli Task Force. Special Agent Cartwright then returned their calls, very concerned that the people who left the messages were contacting him on the secure line he uses only with his media contact at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. He was even more concerned that said media contact had not returned Agent Cartwright’s urgent text messages for several hours. Agent Cartwright was very concerned for his media contact’s safety.
Basically I ruined my voice doing a drunken Jack Bauer impression for an hour or two. Most of the tweakers hung up immediately and stopped picking up subsequent calls, but halfway into my bottle of Black Velvet I got one lady to somehow stay on the line for, like, ten minutes while I ranted at her about federal poultry law and an impending E. coli outbreak in Montana.
By the time I finished the bottle, I was calling up everyone who had stopped taking my calls and screaming absolute nonsense into their voicemail. I really hope they felt the need to change their number after that.
I guess that was sort of fun, but I was mostly really sad over having lost a bunch of vacation pictures.
This is unfortunately timely, as I got mugged about two weeks ago. At knifepoint, not gunpoint (hey, speaking of being thankful for things he didn’t do…). It was the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me, as much as I joke about how I hope he enjoyed the thrift store purse and $8 in crumpled ones that he got off me. (He didn’t even get my phone OR the $100 worth of Sephora makeup I’m usually carrying around with me!)
I’m really sorry you went through this. Thank you for turning it into such a lovely “humor sort-of” piece.
This is perfection at every level.
But I’m really sorry you got mugged.
So, YAY! but boooooo.
This is perfection at every level.
But I'm really sorry you got mugged.
So, YAY! but boooooo.
A very diverse piece, sometimes sad, sometimes hilarious, always witty and poignant.
Made me feel rather bad because, let’s say there are reasons why I relate both to the perp and the author.
I guess I need to go watch some cat videos now.
A very diverse piece, sometimes sad, sometimes hilarious, always witty and poignant.
Made me feel rather bad because, let's say there are reasons why I relate both to the perp and the author.
I guess I need to go watch some cat videos now.
I’m so glad you wrote this but sorry it had to happen to you. What sucks is the wrong person/wrong time thing, because it’s a random occurrence but once it happens you’re on your guard for it to happen again, especially what you mentioned in #10 and #25. My own personal experience with Trevor-esque people wasn’t half as bad – I was robbed by a guy with a knife, but luckily he only used the knife to get my bag and not to threaten me with – but I’ve now turned into an extra safety-conscious version of myself that I don’t really like (oh, to be innocent again!).
Being able to turn a crappy and horrible event into a funny and intelligent piece of writing shows you are awesome. Please don’t let Trevor get you down.