Questions for My Mugger’s Friends Who Keep Calling Me -The Toast

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E.M. Freeburg’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

  1. Who the fuck is Trevor?
  2. What is Trevor’s last name and current address?
  3. Did you know your buddy Trevor has a gun and mugs people on Tuesday nights?
  4. How experienced is Trevor as a mugger? Given his professional, no-nonsense demeanor and efficiency on Tuesday night, I would have assumed he was an old hand at this. But the fact that he was apparently using my old phone for personal business immediately after stealing it from me seems to indicate a level of inexperience or thoughtlessness that surprises me.
  5. I mean, he was smart enough to turn off the Google Maps tracking on the phone once he took it from me, but he’s not smart enough to realize that simply taking the phone from me does not mean the phone number now belongs to him? Really?
  6. Did he think I was just going to keep paying the phone plan? The phone plan that’s connected to the debit card he also took from me?
  7. He called at least five of you within the few hours between when he took my phone and when I activated my new one. Is Trevor that popular? Is he kinda needy? Are you super bummed that you keep not getting ahold of Trevor at this number or are you kinda pleased that you don’t have to deal with him needing to talk every fifteen goddamn minutes?
  8. I noticed in the summary of the phone records I pulled online that most of your calls have been under one minute long. What’s that about?
  9. How does he feel about the selfies of me on the camera roll? I’ve got a pretty shaky hand, I know, but I think I was starting to get the hang of it.
  10. Can you confirm for me that Trevor lives in the suburbs, where all of your calls are coming from, and not in my neighborhood in the city? I’m pretty confident of that at this point but I would like some reassurance that I’m not gonna run into Trevor at the corner store.
  11. Sorry, Trevor who? I didn’t quite catch that.
  12. Does it not piss you off that by giving you this number, Trevor’s putting you in a situation where you may now be investigated in relationship to a robbery charge? Like, come on, Trevor. Think about how your actions affect other people. Grow up.
  13. What kinds of dogs are those barking in the background when you called this morning? I really love dogs but my landlord won’t let me have them in my apartment. I’m probably not responsible enough for one yet anyway.
  14. If I’d had a dog, would Trevor have left me alone?
  15. Does no one in your social circle understand how phones work? When one of you called last night, I picked up the phone, waited silently, and whoever was calling (he said his name was Joe) proceeded to attempt to leave a voicemail. I had to try really hard not to laugh. That would probably have given it away. The half a bottle of wine I’d drunk didn’t help much.
  16. By the way, who is Joe?
  17. Joe, when you said you had “some work for” Trevor in your attempted voicemail, did you mean criminal work? Or are you just a regular dude who doesn’t realize this scrub you know named Trevor gave you the number of a stolen phone?
  18. I’m gonna be straight with you, Mike, if you’re looking to hire Trevor for some extra-legal activities, you should know that he clearly is a liability who doesn’t understand how phones work. Is that the kind of guy you want working for you? The kind of guy who leaves a trail?
  19. To be honest, given that my eyes have now been opened to the fact that the social contract doesn’t exist and there are no rules for how people interact with one another, I’d probably be a better choice. I am very well versed in phone technology, am a fast learner, and currently feel completely disconnected from reality—I don’t have my own gun, though, so I suppose Trevor has that advantage. Still—interested?
  20. Is he enjoying the big crack across the screen? Serves him fucking right.
  21. What the fuck kind of a name is Trevor, anyway?
  22. Why won’t my assigned detective answer my emails?
  23. Why did this happen to me?
  24. Can you ask Trevor what it was about me? I mean, I was a woman walking alone with a backpack after dark, so yeah, I know what it was about me. But still.
  25. Can you ask Trevor if he followed me from my apartment? I really would like to know if he knows where I live. I would also accept knowing where he lives.
  26. Can you ask Trevor for a review of my performance? I thought I was pretty compliant and polite. I said “thank you” when he let me go. Overall I thought our transaction went as well as it could have, but I’d love some feedback on how I could improve next time.
  27. If I’d run, would he have given up or would that have just made things worse?
  28. Would you please thank Trevor for not touching me? I really appreciate that he didn’t touch me. I really appreciate that he didn’t do a lot of things. I can’t sleep because I keep thinking about how thankful I am for all the things he didn’t do.
  29. Does Trevor just not have his own phone? That would suck. I bought a new one the next morning because it was so weird to not have a phone on me. Did Trevor keep mine because the cracked screen meant he couldn’t sell it? I guess that makes sense.
  30. Would he really have shot me? I mean, you know him, so give me your honest opinion: is that a guy who could pull the trigger? It was over in a minute and I kept my eyes on the gun most of the time, so I didn’t get that much of a read on him as a person. What do you think? How lucky am I?

E.M. Freeburg is a non-profit gofer with great taste in jackets and terrible taste in sports teams. Dream Jeopardy! categories include Bats, Filthy Etymology, and Flannel.

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