A very happy and cozy holiday to all celebrating today! No matter where you are or how you’re spending your day, I hope that many, many cookies are yours. Share your favorite gifts, gag gifts, pictures of food, pictures of pets and/or children in festive garb, percolating New Year’s plans, and holiday grievances here. Merry open thread!!
So, is anyone going to Hamilton on July 20? BECAUSE I AM!
(I got my husband t-shirts and pajamas. He totally wins Christmas this year.)
June 9 😀
Congrats! I’m going on June 29. We’ve had the tix since October. It’s going to be the longest I’ve waited for anything in my life! I figured out how to install a countdown app on my phone and give it a hamilton background that very day!
February 12th here!! The tickets were hidden inside the Chernow book (which was an exciting enough gift already). 😀 😀 😀
April!!!! And likewise… I got him a jump rope.
Merry Christmas to all who are celebrating and may those of you who aren’t have a great day and to those of you who need it, may you have much alcohol and delicious food.
My family is being stereotypical AF and seeing Star Wars and having Chinese food. Unfortunately, my parents were super grumpy when I woke up, so today may not be as fun as I thought it would be.
As a holiday gift, here is my of my hate reading th Victorian book.Next I will probs do the corset book, and after the holidays I’ll get a paper copy of the etiquette book so it can get passed around to the Toasties who would like to write snarky shit in it.
Thank you for this gift! I’ve been catching snatches of it on Twitter and I can’t wait to get the whole picture.
Oh. Oh. I’ve read it and yes she’s insufferable but now I’m worried that her husband is a monster.
Yeah that was sort of my take away too. Like previous peoples hating tended to leave out how awful he is.
Yeah, I basically went into it looking for places where Gabriel is The Worst after tha interview. It’s how I’m setting myself apart from the crowd of people hating on the books. Also, he is pretty much a horrible human being
I got the impression that Gabriel is the epitome of a mansplainer.
And she’s seemingly fine with it because she’s A Real (Faux) “Victorian” Lady.
SMH.
Best internet Christmas present ever. I read it this morning while my brother was sort of hate-reading The Circle and we kept reading out loud the worst parts of each piece.
#stopgabriel2016
Hey, my family and I are going to Star Wars today, too! We always go to a movie on Christmas and that was the obvious choice. I’m glad we got tickets ahead of time, though. (I’ve made it this whole week narrowly avoiding spoilers; just gotta make it one more hour guys.)
You actually read their book?
This is the best Xmas present I could’ve possibly gotten this year. Bless you. Bless us all.
I really did. Apparently I have a much higher tolerance for bad books than other people/actually enjoy them. I’m gonna start on the corset one tomorrow, I think
If you do get a paper copy of the etiquette book I am definitely getting in line to get my judgmental little hands on that.
Surprisingly, I made it as far as ‘Oh my god a Korean friend taught her how to make kimchi and she reflects that “history is not limited to America alone”‘ before the literal facepalm.
How are they real? I just want to know that. How are they real?
That prose is so purple. (Is “commoditized” a word?)
I do feel like I have to stick up for the “Hallowe’en” spelling, though. It’s normal in the UK!
She uses a lot of words that I’m not sure are actual words.
Hallowe’en is fine in the UK. It is not something we use in the US unless you are a pretentious douche, pretty much. I will make very few exceptions
That seems like a pretty fair assessment of the Victorian couple’s characters.
Why do words properly when there’s sewing and biking and printing out resources from Google Books and listening to your mansplaining husband and being smugly ignorant about the modern world?
You are the hero we need.
I read your tweets earlier this afternoon and it’s been hours and it’s still bugging me:
what the heck is the “straight pen” that Gabriel lectured her about? like a dip pen, maybe?
Yeah, I think they mean dip pens by this.
Oh now I need to hate-read that book even more. Her husband sounds like more of a monster than the corset book (which I did read), and I think i am going to pretend that she knows he is one and is deliberately painting him as horrible in the book.
I’m obviously terribly out-of-the-loop again, but do I gather correctly that a couple literally turned their lives into Victorian ones and the lady wrote three books about it? Is this real and meant seriously? Why do the screenshots from your twitter read like the most hilarious parody ever?
Also, as a person who knows and cares deeply about corsets, can I have a ping when you start on the Corset book? This sounds amazing and slightly insane.
Merry Christmas to Toasties celebrating and much love and gratitude to everyone here!!
That is my child’s actual note to Santa above, with a postscript reading “PS Are you real?” She cracks me UP. I have always just kind of let her believe what she wants to believe, not really pushing Santa but never denying his existence either? I believe she still has some faith left, through sheer force of will.
Is it magic food for reindeer or food for magic reindeer?
I think…the second?
That reindeer under the postscript though!
My daughter decided she believed after hearing the updates on NORAD’s “Santa Tracker”
That’s the US Air Force saying they’re tracking him. What more proof do you need?
I think the letting them believe what they choose is brilliant and all I can add is the brilliance of my sister-in-law who when my kids asked her about, well, anything actually, would ask back “well, what do you know about it so far?” and follow that up with “and what do think?” Which both helps them decide how to feel about things and helps you decide how to support them.
Happy Open Thread! Happy Christmas to those who celebrate it, and if you are celebrating another specific holiday, happy that holiday as well!
(After the discussion in a Link Roundup from earlier this week about the secularity or otherwise of Christmas, I was pondering the difference between the US and UK. I feel like maybe Christmas is a bit more secular here in the UK; we do not really have “happy holidays” as a commonly-used greeting, because the automatic assumption seems to be that Christmas is secular anyway. I always celebrated it growing up with atheist parents; I send Christmas cards to friends despite my atheism and regardless of their religion; I was wished a cheerful Merry Christmas by a library patron wearing a turban last week, and did the same to him. But is is entirely possible that I find it easier to think of “Merry Christmas” as secular and inoffensive because I am white British and from a family background of Christianity, even if it’s a few generations back, and others would find it a much more loaded term. Thoughts?)
I am spending Christmas with just my boyfriend at our home in London, and it is great. I am unreasonably smug about not having to brave public transport (I saw my sister off at Victoria yesterday and there were so many delays and cancellations). I have gone through the Radio Times and made a list of everything I want to watch; we just had homemade chestnut loaf and there is champagne in the fridge and cheese straws and chocolate Yule log to snack on. My boyfriend got me a grabber so I can emulate David Sedaris and pick up rubbish on walks, plus the complete X-Files so I can finally watch it. It is all excellent (although listening to White Wine in the Sun made me feel very guilty about not going home). Any other Toasties doing Christmas by themselves?
My sister just had this published, because she is great: http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/working-on-an…
Jewish American here- I’m never offended when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, even if they’re a friend who knows I’m Jewish. It’s just that time of year and it’s so much less exhausting to just go with the flow.
I have always gotten the sense that in the UK Christmas has become very secularized, probably because the proportion of evangelical/practicing religious Christians is different from in the US. I have no patience for people who insist we are a Christian nation, or there’s a war of Christmas, or Christians are persecuted in this country (all of which I hear or read daily from some politician or other). I get the sense that that’s not a thing in the UK as much, so the whole holiday seems very secular by comparison.
I love when my friends or people who know I am Jewish wish me a happy Hannukah, but I am also perfectly happy to get a Merry Christmas or happy holidays- they are wishing me well!
One thing that does bug me is when people say happy holidays when it is obvious that they are only doing so because they were told that saying Merry Christmas doesn’t apply to everyone, but they still don’t really GET it, you know? Like if someone says happy holidays to me today, I wonder, who do they think they are fooling? There is one holiday today! Hannukah is over. You are literally handing me a candy cane. You can say Merry Christmas if it is clear that you want to wish me a merry Christmas and not a happy holiday season. Or when someone sends a happy holidays card with red and green and santa on it. Who do you think you are fooling is what I always think. I don’t get offended or anything and still take it as the well wish that it is meant to be, I just wish I could tell them that it’s alright to just say Merry Christmas sometimes.
Happy Holidays ALSO refers to New Year’s, though. It’s a holiday with a party!
I sort of think of “Happy Holidays” as being a blanket for the entire week of Dec 25-Jan1 that lucky people take off work and have parties and stuff, even if they don’t celebrate Christmas.
Ha, I think of “Merry Christmas” as meaning that, sort of. “Enjoy your time off work, and I hope you get the opportunity to eat some nice food!”
Oh, true! I just don’t personally have a festive bone in my body and only deal with it under sufferance because family, so I feel awkward saying “merry christmas” when it’s a holiday i don’t celebrate. (Yet I’m totally cool with well-wishing for other religions’ holidays when I know someone practices, it’s more about resistance and waging my personal war on christmas or something, perhaps.)
I am similarly awkward about saying “bless you” when someone sneezes; I just can’t do it, because it feels so weird and awkward and false.
Waging your personal war on Christmas sounds eminently reasonable and I wish you well in it.
I have claimed “bless you”. When I was Xian, I understood that blessings could come from god or from a fellow believer. Now gently atheist, I believe blessings are real and exclusively from fellow humans. I can offer a blessing of my own creation when someone shows signs of illness. I silently bless children who allow me to hold them. Just thinking intensely of their well-being and my hopes for their future.
I am all for claiming “bless you”! My family does not really say it, though, so I never learned to do it automatically, and it feels too forced and awkward if I try.
” I silently bless children who allow me to hold them.”
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, too sweet. 🙂
I agree! I guess technically I am not having a Christmas but it’s a seasonal well-wish even if I spend the day making kreplach (not that I am doing that, I’m celebrating secular Christmas with some cultural Episcopalians). The details don’t matter as much as the sentiment.
I suppose sometimes it feels like the sentiment is WE’RE ALL CAUGHT UP IN THIS CULTURAL IMPERATIVE AND HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCES but in general I see it as small talk and not worth analyzing too much.
Over here it’s weird in that we are, technically, a Christian nation (the head of state is also the head of the church, the Church of England is the established church of the country), but religious practice/belief is relatively rare. The way Christmas is observed differs among different people, but on the whole it’s relatively secular.
UK Christmas is very secular, I think. Your experience sounds much like my family! We love a good carol service but Christmas is always atheist for us.
I’m at my parents’ house today – last year we did the trek to Adelaide and spent the day on the beach which was obviously wonderful… But it’s a relief not to have 26 people over for lunch
Yeah I’m English and I agree, it seems to be a bit less of an issue here than it seems to be in the States? I don’t know but I’ve definitely been wished Merry Christmas by people I know to be Muslim here fairly often.
There doesn’t seem to be the same push to say “Happy Holidays” for reasons of inclusivity – I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone in the UK say it. (I don’t want to imply that anyone not comfortable with “Happy Christmas” should just get over it, or that there’s anything wrong with “Happy Holidays” – I can completely get why people would want to say the latter rather than the former. The cultural context here just seems to be quite different.)
It’s a bit weird, in regards to US history and Christmas.
The Puritans banned it in the mid-to-late 1600s because they thought it was too ostentatious and (wait for it!) too Pagan. I think some other denominations rejected it, too. On the other hand, the Quakers embraced it. The Christmas ban was eventually lifted, but it didn’t take right away.
And then a lot of the European Christmas traditions started to come over, and it picked up steam.
Christmas has only been a national holiday here for 130 years (it became one in 1885), and for more than 90 of them, someone has insisted there’s a war on it and named a scapegoat.
In the 1920s, Henry Ford blamed Jewish people.
In the 1950s, the blame was on Communism. It’s also when US Evangelical ministers began to enter the political sphere and begin influencing politicians on both sides. It’s when “under God” was added to our Pledge of Allegiance, “In God We Trust” was added to the currency, and when the myth of the US as a “Christian nation” began to spread.
In the 1990s and beyond, the scapegoat was “political correctness” in general. And there was and is some blame on anyone who didn’t and doesn’t fit the patriarchal and kyriarchal conservative Christian mold. I remember back in the early 2000s I pointed out the Pagan roots of Christmas to someone on an e-list I co-ran and was preached to and called a Nazi. (Much hypocrite. Very ad hominem. Wow.)
The truth is, I don’t think most people here care what you wish them during this time of year, as long as you’re not being malicious. And the ones who insist and have insisted there is a “war on Christmas” are jingoist bigots who think the world should revolve around their worldview, who love to EXCLUDE people, and for whom inclusiveness is anathema. THEY are the ones who are obnoxious about it, not anyone who informs people they don’t celebrate Christmas.
Me, I don’t care what people wish me at this time of year.
You are a light in the darkness. Thank you for sharing your information and insight.
Actually, my sister is Jewish and living in the UK, and has also lived in the US, and her perspective is a bit different.
Yes, Christmas is more secular in the UK in the sense that British people are generally less religious, and therefore if they are from a Christian background tend to see Christmas as a more secular family holiday. However, my sister says that the actual content of Christmas celebrations in the UK tends to be a lot more religious. There is a lot more focus on things like nativity scenes than you get in general American culture, there is a lot more mention of Christ and religious themes in Christmas songs, carols, shows etc. than there is in the US.
As part of the very small Jewish minority in the UK, she finds this very frustrating. While in the US there was a general awareness that a lot of people don’t celebrate Christmas, and certainly no religious themes ever made it into the school system or things like that – in the UK she was actually struggling with teachers (in a non-denominational school) trying to actively encourage her children to play with nativity scene or participate in Christmas pageants.
So while the UK is more secular in the sense that fewer people actually believe in God, regularly attend church etc. the experience of Christmas in the UK, as seen by non-Christians, is far more religious than in the US.
That sounds very accurate, and I can see why your sister finds it frustrating. Yes, there is a lot of focus on specifically Christian things when celebrating Christmas (it’s pretty standard for primary schools to put on nativity plays, etc.). I think maybe because we’re a fairly secular country in general the religious aspects feel like less of a big deal because it’s easy to just write them off as “stuff you do at Christmas (but it’s not like anyone believes in it)” rather than “the religious right stuffing their beliefs down our throats”. It’s easy to assume that nobody would mind about more religious aspects of Christmas, because it’s not taken hugely seriously. But obviously that’s not always the case, and I can see why people wouldn’t be comfortable with it.
Happy day Toasties! My dad handed me a glass of champagne as my mother poured me a cup of tea at nine this morning so we started the day well.
I know it’s not new year yet but, if you have any resolutions and reflections, or just gratitude, please do share?
Mine are to cut down the worrying and nail my dissertation – I’ve nearly made it through this year, I can do it again!
No resolutions per se but I’m going to try and make at least one friend by 2018.
Which I realize sounds entirely pessimistic. It’s just that barring Unexpected Life Events of some sort I’m not really going to be meeting any one new until possibly when I start school again in the summer but more likely fall semester of next year so really that goal is like “sometime during 2017”
I need to shamelessly copy your resolution. Will totally give you credit.
Mine are to stop watching TV on my computer (I will watch with my partner sometimes for hanging out purposes) and use the newfound kajillion hours of time to try a new skill every month, like sketching or papercutting.
And to get all my books and my partner’s books out of boxes and onto bookshelves. Which is to say: I resolve to build this house entirely out of bookshelves.
My resolution is to keep the same job for 12 consecutive months.
I’ve been toying around with going internet-silent for the first month of the year. I like being connected to people online, but the hypervisibility of the lives of others has been giving me serious competitive/jealous anxiety lately and I think I need to separate for a while?
Good luck on your dissertation! You can do it! And out of curiosity– what’s the game plan for cutting down on worrying? If you have any strategies, I’d love to hear.
Thanks! Internet-silence has a lot of appeal for me too, but I know it wouldn’t work for me at the moment… Good luck with it! Maybe I should do it? I don’t know.
I’m just finishing up six weeks of cbt, my therapist has been getting me to postpone all my worrying during the day and concentrate it into a fifteen minute window. You sit in an uncomfortable chair at the same time every evening, set a timer, make sure you have to do something afterwards (before cooking dinner for me) and worry. It’s been pretty effective so far because usually I get to 7pm and I’ve forgotten all the things I was supposed to worry about?
I’ve also started beginning every day by writing a to-do list, but breaking it down into has to happen, would be good if it happened, could happen but could also wait, realistically won’t happen but I will maybe think about it, and I have to do this because it will make me happy so it is non negotiable. That’s been GREAT for me. And I’m actually using my planner and finally put a cork board for important stuff to try and reduce the potential worrymakers
Good luck with your dissertation! And your to-do list method sounds brilliant — I may try something like that myself.
My goals for the new year are still kind of under construction, but the general outline is:
– Procrastinate less about a specific work task that I don’t like because it makes me anxious. This is my hardest goal, I will probably have to come up with some kind of reward/bribe structure to get myself to do it.
– Dedicate more time to my various craft projects.
– Finish and publish more fanfic!
– Deadlift 300 pounds.
My new year’s resolutions are to
1) Have a healthy baby in March.
2) Get my damn tubes tied and never take birth control again.
3) Make it through 7 or 4 weeks of unpaid maternity leave, depending on how this all shakes out, without going broke.
4) Lose some weight, but maybe not until I’m done breastfeeding, so that may be more of a 2017 goal.
All of these are pretty much related to baby stuff, which will consume my life for the next year, and also the next 18 I guess.
Many books have been bestowed upon me, including two about Alexander Hamilton and one about George III! They’re the kinds with loads of pictures in the middle!
I also got a pin that looks like a Star trek: TNG badge because I am a huge nerd whose holiday break also involves binge-watching DS9.
And I’ve got myself a cat-sitting gig for a few days which means daily visits to some quality cats. Things are going well for me right now.
My dad, who is very much a Dad, is wearing a Mets hat right now.
Because “Christmas started in October this year.”
He wanted slacks for a present. SLACKS.
Daaaaaadddd
And he still says “slacks!” Just like my mom! Love it.
Toasties. I have many good tidings.
First of all – I HAVE A JOB. It’s with a start-up, the salary is good if not mind-fucking, and I will have health insurance with which I can finally fix my broken foot and my TMJ.
Also, MY PARTNER HAS A JOB. This is a big deal. He has been unemployed for three years, and was having a really hard time getting through his depression to get back up on the horse. He has one, he likes it, he likes his coworkers, all is well, we have a second income.
I was going to call my abusive mother for the holidays, because my father has been nagging me about it for months. But he was kind of weird about it when I offered – like, sure, try it, but she’s going to be pissed at you – and I called him back the next day and laid down the law. Look, this is my mental health at stake, so is giving Mom the opportunity to yell at me REALLY more important than my sanity?
No, it isn’t. And I have one parent, at least, who can admit when he is wrong, apologize, and tell me to keep taking care of myself. Merry Christmas to all.
I am 32 as of Tuesday. It’s Christmas and I’m spending it with people who love me and want me to be happy. It’s our three-year anniversary on January 2nd, and my new job starts on the 4th. It’s going to be a good year.
WOOHOOO on the job front!!!!!
and also for standing up for yourself and not calling your mom. YAY! I hope this turns into a fantastic start for 2016
Congratulations on the jobs for both of you! And also very very well done for being brave and knowing what you need to do re your mother.
Merry Christmas, Toasts who celebrate! I personally don’t, but my parents are coming to town tonight and they’re going to stay for a few days and do the tourist/holiday thing with me and my bf. We’re going to get chinese food tonight, after their plane lands, and have christmas morning tomorrow.
As I mentioned in the Roundup, I’m planning a cross country bike trip in June. I’ve been mostly too nervous to start route planning but yesterday I decided to face my fear and just DO IT. Well, Merry Christmas to me, cause I’m fucking stoked now! The first two days are all easy bike trails and cottage roads, and then when I get to Northern Ontario it’s logging roads the whole way, in the middle of absolute nowhere. Finding places to buy food is going to be tricky since I’m avoiding the Transcanada, but it’s going to be a blast. Just me, my bike and the woods! And I’m making a detour through Algonquin park to sleep in a ghost town called Radiant Lake, which looks so spooky and cool! I’d love to chat with any Toasties who have taken on longer bike trips, or who live near North Bay and can tell me which places to avoid.
That bike trip sounds amazing! I’m ultra jealous. My dad did something similar on his motorcycle 2 summers ago, starting in Florida and working his way up to Oregon, and I was annoyed for months that I couldn’t skive off work and go with him. (Okay, I’m still annoyed, so.)
Your holiday-weekend sounds lovely, and I hope you have a good time with your parents!
I’m actually really excited to see them for the first time ever. My mom can be … intense, but she seems to be in vacation mode and has been nothing but chill and pleasant in our phone conversations. It’s going to be a nice holiday, I think! Plus we get to go to the outfitters on boxing day. Bike parts, yaaaaay!
Delurking (Hi Toasts!) to say, yes! Do it!
I went on a bike trip this year and it is the greatest thing I’ve ever done. I wrote this blog, garyandme.tumblr.com, contact me through there if you want. You’re going to have the best time!
That is so exciting!! I have friends who have done the same, but have stuck to the Transcanada. Are you going to have any kind of travel blog/photo diary? If so, share if you feel comfortable doing that! I’d love to see pictures.
My family’s from Mattawa/North Bay and we still spend summers there — I don’t have any recommendations, but the logging road routes are going to be GORGEOUS. (If you avoid dead ends like I always end up on!)
I don’t think I’ll be committed enough for a regular blog, but I will probably start an instagram for the trip – when I get it set up I will share it in an open thread for sure.
My plan is to take the highway north to Cartier, and then get on the Sultan logging road past Eleventh Lake and into Wawa. It’s a little longer but skips a huge portion of the 17, which looks like a nightmare for bikes. Apparently Wawa is hitchhiking hell, but there’s a laundromat and a grocery store, which I will need after spending 5 days riding through wilderness. Also planning to spend some time checking out Obatanga Park, which used to be a national park but is now abandoned. Creepy!
I will watch open threads for the instantaneous! When are you planning on starting?
Ooh, Obatanga park would be amazing to bike through! So cool
Starting in late may/early june, as soon as I have the funds. I’m going from Montreal to Vancouver and back, so I should be done around early october
The night will be pizza and beer, along with either reading or movies. This day will be spent biking around town, working on my stories, and drawing some.
Sounds lovely!
How far into Northern Ontario are you going? I grew up in Northwestern Ontario (in a town further west than Thunder Bay) and may have some advice for that part of the trip if you’re going to be there at some point.
Edit: wrote east instead of west. woops!
I’m going thru thunder bay and then on to Kenora, using highway 17
Check out the Gray Creek Pass in BC if you’re coming that way. It’s a mountain pass, but very doable on a bike with good tires. We met a Danish couple biking it last summer.
Toasts who are spending the holiday alone for any reason, what are you up to?
If I had my druthers I would be in Tennessee drinking coffee with my mom and watching my small nephew open presents, but under the circumstances (job, dissertation, etc.) I am having a most merry solitary Christmas. It’s a damp, gray day in the 60s in Philadelphia, and I have my windows open and my music on, and I am cooking up a storm. Putting up jars of crunchy spicy slaw for work snacks, and kimchi for spicy sour soups if it ever becomes cold again. Giant eggplant parm for lunch and leftovers. Gonna make eggnog later, and use the skimmings to make eggnog cookies. And I don’t have to go anywhere or see anyone, and it’s perfect.
Debating on a second pot of coffee, thinking about what I want for dinner… it’s probably going to end up being peanut sauce and instant ramen.
Yup it turned out to be ramen and peanut sauce and coffee.
Your day sounds fantastic! I will be working, listening to the jazz station, and making two apple-cranberry pies for a low-key dinner this evening. Maybe make some soup. It’s nice not to feel any obligation to be jolly, isn’t it?!
I am hanging out with my rats, drinking a(nother) pot of coffee and doing logistics for my bike trip (which is more fun than it sounds). It’s going to be a productive day!
I am writing, and debating whether to turn on the oven to cook (it is approximately eleven billion degrees in North Carolina). My first ever Chrsitmas alone, but hey, the greatest gift of all is getting a paid day off.
I’ll be working (reading and writing book reviews, so not coal mining), eating some tofu/noodle soup to keep warm (it froze a bit here in NorCal), and my housemate gave me some Trader Joe’s chocolate and a mini-pannetone, so all my other needs are squared away.
I am in New Orleans …. right now I’m having Chinese food for lunch in the Garden District, then meandering back slowly to the Faubourg Marigny where I am staying. It is 80 degrees here. Many photo ops, many street musicians, but in the Garden District it is quiet and a good place to reflect.
As a former NOLA resident I envy you! I love how the city looks when it dresses up for Christmas.
I do have Xmas dinner with family, but right now, I’m baking frozen lasagna and might take a walk. Yesterday, I spent the night snuggled up watching While You Were Sleeping and When Harry Met Sally while drinking sparkling wine and eating jerk chicken. Felt content, felt sad, and all in all, I felt okay and human. Good days.
I went to midnight Mass last night, I woke up at 12:30pm today (haha oops) and am currently dicking around on the internet and staring at the tree I got yesterday (!) … later I will be watching Holiday Inn and White Christmas, then cooking myself a fabulous steak with garlic mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus, and maybe cornbread… and then probably seeing The Big Short tonight. And I will drink the entire bottle of Moet that I got from a vendor. Oh and my best friend has promised me FaceTime with her and her kid when they unwrap their presents. Basically the best Christmas ever.
My plan was to work, because holiday pay is delicious and I’m saving up for a queen sized bed, but then I caught stomach flu so had a very unhappy day and a half. Thankfully I seem to be past the worst of it, and will still get good money for working on boxing day. Also, candy canes are a lifesaver when you’re ill! The peppermint helps dull nausea, and the sugar helps offset the lack of keeping food down.
I saw Star Wars yesterday and had some Chinese food in Amsterdam. Today I’m watching the Boxing Day football and doing laundry, as my housemates are out of town and I have all the apparatus to myself.
(I liked Star Wars and am just catching onto this Oscar Isaac thing.)
Me: So the Christmas music at work broke during November and it was great, my shift told gave me permission to sing lesbian love ballads-
Mom: OH ENOUGH, why are you always shoving it in our faces?
Me: I’m sorry I’m not straight, mom.
Mom: it’s not that, you just don’t need to be so flamboyant about it!
I think she’s still mad I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and started dating exclusively women again.
Sing your heart out! Flamboyantly!
Ouch,sorry your mom said that to you!
Flamboy away, dear!
Hello Toasties!
I am a lurker – but since I am the first awake in my house here on the West Coast, I wanted to say Merry Christmas!
For christmas this year, I went in with my boyfriends parents and bought him a digital piano, now I am just waiting for the photos of him crying when he saw it.
What is your favorite gift that you bought someone this year? Was it clever or perfect for them or did you have to keep a big secret for a long time?
I bought my brother coasters with the Building Costs from Settlers Of Catan on them. They went over like gangbusters!
I got my niece and nephew Lego and they were thrilled, according to my sister. It’s easy to keep gifts secret from kids when you don’t live with them.
I always figure I’ve won Christmas if I managed to buy a gift for my brother that he actually likes (my entire family struggles with this, he is the very definition of hard to buy for. He also refuses to give us wishlists!). So this year I bought him a book in a graphic novel series (Showa: A History of Japan) because I got him a different one last year that he ended up really liking. Luckily he did not read or buy the rest of them for himself in the intervening months.
So basically, Christmas was a success this year.
Happy Holidays to everyone!
Disclaimer: depressing story, survival advice needed.
So these past few months have been tough for me, mostly because my depression and anxiety has been a lot higher lately, so as you can imagine I was a bit on edge about traveling home to visit the parental unit for the next week, even though I love them. They’re very conservative, I’m not, but I try and hold my tongue and pick my battles because it’s the holidays and I believe there are a few times where tongues should be held.
Anyway two things happened last night that have me on edge: one my dad and his sister started yelling about politics to my liberal uncle. At a restaurant. And it was loud and distressing so I literally had to leave the place and sit outside and hyperventilate.
Second, my nosy, rude aunt didn’t know I was home and started shouting how terrible my hair is while I was already weeping in my room. My hair is not terrible, it’s long and red and I have a side shave. She hates the side shave and apparently thinks I will never get a job ever again and my decisions are terrible. My sister tried to tell her to shut up, but she kept shouting she had a right to express her opinion. So I kept myself locked in my room and only let my sister and younger cousin in because I was having a full fledged break down.
So yeah. Today I have to go over to the same aunt’s house, and though I guess she restrained last night as she never confronted me, I’m assuming she’s going to be rude af on her turf. My family doesn’t really defend me as they are all terrified of her. My sister tries and my mom tries, but my dad just brushes it off. I don’t think he realizes what a psychological shit fest his sister causes for me and my sister (she spent most of my sisters life saying she was fat and would be terrible at being a teacher).
So I guess please give advice on how to survive this dinner. As I told my bf on the phone the two scenerios I keep imagining me are taking scissors and maniacally cutting off my hair at the dinner table shouting “is this better and then simply walking out the door and keep walking and try and keep walking until someone chased me down and physically forced me to come back.
Anyway I hope you all are having a better holiday season!
Yuck. That sounds really hard.
What if you don’t go to your aunt’s? What if you came down with some mysterious ailment and stayed home and took care yourself?
If that’s really not an option, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself at your aunt’s.
I like to wear something that reminds me of who I am, so I can look at it / clutch it when I start to feel ungrounded or start to believe my relatives’ bs – I have a stone pendant that’s good for clutching. A friend of mine wears sparkly toenail polish that her mother would not approve of if she could see it – and wearing it makes her feel god about herself.
Other strategies: Text a friend during the event, or work out a buddy system with your sister so neither of you are alone with horrible aunt.
If you havent looked at Captain Awkward, she has tons of good advice for managing difficult or toxic relatives.
And good luck.
Your hairstyle sounds lovely. I hope it goes well.
Yeah I agree you definitely should become suddenly much too ill to visit Auntie Meanface.
Thanks guys. I’m sort of stuck going. My family would be mad if I didn’t and it’s my last chance to see my sister before she goes out of country tomorrow.
My sister said if need be I can throw her under the bus by mentioning her new nose piercing my aunt hasn’t noticed.
Did I mention I’m 24 and my sister is 28? Why is this a thing? Is it because I’m from Texas? Is this a weird southern thing?
I think I was 26 when I put my foot down for the first time and said, “i’m not going to the annual christmas eve party thanks”. This was the one my parents had been dragging us to for years that was unnecessary. And when my mom said, “but blah blah everyone wants to see you, blah its the only time you see YOUR FRIEND (she was not my friend, evidenced by us only seeing each other at social engagements put on by our parents)”, it was the first time I said, “nope, pass, don’t care, love you guys, not going, I’m an adult I worked all year these are my days off, and I am not obliged to this christmas party.”
I don’t think it’s an any particular culture thing, I think it’s a figuring out as an adult how much you feel that you owe your family. And up till you get out of school and have your own house and job, I think we mostly just go along with whatever the parents suggest. I know being an adult and making the choice to not do something I usually did with my family didn’t start happening until around your age. But just so you know, you can put your foot down and not go, and it would possibly involve guilt, but it might also involve a lot of relief. Like a 1:5 guilt to happiness ratio. If its terrible this time, maybe give yourself the year to think about next year.
I’d suggest making alternate plans too so it’s like, thanks but instead of going to Aunt Jerkface’s, I made plans with my old high school chums to meet their baby. That kind of alternate plan also establishes your adulthood status and it fires a warning shot too, so your parents start thinking, “oh man, she doesn’t have to come home…maybe we need to stop being so tough on her if we want her to come back.” Especially if you don’t tell them until they ask. “Oh I’m sorry you assumed I’m coming with you, but I’m actually not free! Sorry, you didn’t say we had plans Saturday and Jesse invited me to visit. Remind me next year, send my regrets to Aunt Suckface!”
I agree with the others – stay at home if you can. If you have to go, maybe engage with little children/pets/anyone who is not your horrible aunt. Do you have the option of going home after two hours or so? I found that it helps me a lot when I know that I can leave whenever I want.
I hope it goes well. And remember, in a few days time you’ll be back in your own place. You can do this!
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this.
I agree with Cleo: can you get out of going to your aunt’s? Because that’s what I would do – it’s my survival technique, and it’s something I’ve liberally employed over the years, despite the guilt trips from my stepmom when I do.
Next year, you and your sister should BOTH accidentally find yourselves unable to visit dear auntie’s house. Maybe you ride together and OOPS flat tire, or something.
If you can’t get out of going to your aunt’s house – I know these things are mandatory sometimes – do you think you have enough spoons to sit her down privately? Arrive, say hi to everyone, then quietly (and with a smile on your face – SNEAK ATTACK that brutal lady!) ask if you can grab her alone for a quick second? Then say something like:
Auntie, I’m sure you didn’t realize this, but when you came over to my parents’ house last night, I was home. I heard everything you said about me, and it really hurt my feelings. I don’t care at all whether you like my hair, and your cruel words are ruining my holiday. I’m going to ask you to be nice to me today, in the spirit of the season, or else I will leave.
Since your sister and cousin are aware of what happened, have them as your moral support and escape hatch. Whether you talk to your aunt or not, let them know that you need them to help you leave quickly if you need to. Maybe your parents will be supportive of this also? The point being that you should quickly assemble a Team You and have a plan to remove you from an abusive scenario if you need it.
GOOD LUCK. I’m sure your hair is amazing (I wish I had the guts for a side shave!) and my Christmas wish for you is that your aunt will spill red wine on her favorite sweater or carpet.
Sorry, that sounds awful, but your hair sounds awesome. If you HAVE to go to your aunt’s, can you at least go in a separate car so that you have an escape hatch that nobody can fuck around with? And promise yourself that if you need to, you WILL LEAVE and go do something awesome just for yourself. And maybe knowing the escape hatch is there will make it easier to cope with whatever does happen, especially if being there is an anxiety trigger for you.
I’m sorry this Christmas is sucking! I had a pretty dreadful Christmas myself a few years ago. Circumstances were a little different since I was in the same house with the people who were upsetting me, but I did have my own room.
Some coping tactics:
1. Yes to not going if possible. If it’s a simple as “oh dear me I have a headache I couldn’t possibly” then DEFINITELY go for that option. I know in some families not showing up is its own taxing emotional production though, so you judge if that’s something you can handle. (In that case I’d approach your mom & sister about this first; they may be willing to cover for you since they know your aunt is a problem.)
2. YES TO TEXTING WITH SOMEONE. I was very, very lucky to have a friend who was able to take my texts when I had a spare minute. If you have someone who is able to do this for you I highly recommend it. If not, maybe check out the Twitter thing mentioned above.
3. If you do have to go to dinner, is there anything you can do to calm and center yourself ahead of time? For example, I find long walks very soothing, so I went on a few of those. Also a good time to text or call your friends. Or you could read a comforting book or listen to one of your favorite albums. I also beaded a bunch of necklaces that Christmas, just to have something pretty to occupy myself with.
4. Yes to having a necklace, nail polish, special rock in your pocket, etc that you can refer to during the dinner. Something you can use to remind yourself that when these few hours are over with, you will remain your rad-as-hell self. You are an awesome person, not the dumb caricature your aunt has in her head.
5. Is there a treat you can promise yourself when you get back? Something to look forward to when everything’s over and you’re back in your room? For example, I was able to rent a few seasons of my ultimate comfort-watch TV show (As Time Goes By) and watch an episode or two on my laptop before bed every night. But obviously this is going to be super specific to you. Maybe it would be more relaxing to paint your toenails now? Or have a slice of that awesome pie your mom makes while chilling with the dog in the den? Maybe a journal entry? Try to think of something low-key (you’re going to be tired) that will help you unwind that tension you’ve built up over the past several hours. (This can also be something to look forward to over dinner.)
6. When you get back to where you normally live, hang out with friends as soon as you can. These are the people who know and love the real you. This is your real life.
I hope some of this is helpful. If none of it is, just know we’re pulling for you. Hang in there.
I’m not sure I can add anything that people wiser than me haven’t said already regarding how to deal with this. So can I just say that only today I was watching Catching Fire and crushing on Natalie Dormer and thinking about how hot all those women with shaved bits in their hair are and wishing I could pull it off. Your aunt understands nothing — neither being a decent human being, nor hair.
You deserve better. This is awful. Are you dependent on your family for money or anything? Because if you are self-sufficient or nearly self sufficient I’d definitely encourage you to consider NOT going home until everyone agrees to behave. Unless this Aunt is funding your college education which will eventually get you a job that allows you to never see her again, I’d encourage you to cut her out of your life. It’s scary to think about but you don’t deserve emotional abuse ever, but particularly on the holidays.
Its good of you to be willing to give them a pass, but I think that’s only ok if you don’t end up crying. There’s biting your tongue because someone is being a jerk and then there’s biting your tongue off.
If you do need something to survive it with I have to say that the best response is probably complete and annoying smug surrender. “You’re right auntie, my hair is terrible and it is the reason I will never work again, and I will make an appointment to buy a wig when I get home. Would you like to recommend a style?” My mom isn’t a complete monster but she’s pushy and I’ve found completely agreeing with her while she can clearly tell I’m going to do no such thing makes the pushy stop.
Ooofff. I am so so sorry! These are horrible things any time, but especially the last week of the year. I think the key to your long term coping stratagy is in your letter. No matter what SHE yells about your hair or whatever else, you know your hair is rad. You are never going to be able to control her actions/reactions, but you can chose how much value you put on them. I’m the kind of person who holds on to yelling forever–it burrows into me–but in the moment I have learned to calmly say, “I do not acknowledge yelling as a valid means of communication. If you have something constructive to say, say so civilly. Otherwise, yelling is simply a form of violence.” AND SHUT THE DAMN DOOR. Also, if she’s this upset about hair that is not on her own head (and seriously, hair grows. It’s not a face tattoo), she’s holding onto some serious issues that you also can’t control. For me, pity tends to work to distance myself from abusive behaviors. Like, “wow, it must completely suck to have to walk around the world as Aunt.” Do a gratitude practice of your awesomeness. Basically, my mantra is “Don’t empower negativity.”
Hope you got through dinner in one piece! Sending lots of internet hugs!!
It sounds like literally anything would be a better option than going. Take a book into the bathroom and be like: “sorry, I’m peeing from my bum and simply cannot go to witchy aunt’s house” ….
Happy 25th of December, everyone! Wishing you all a day of joy, regardless of the meaning it does or doesn’t hold…
Last night I went to an “Interdenominational” Xmess service with some friends, and found it really lacking. It was the first time I had been to any kind of Christian-oriented church service (outside of funerals and weddings) in many years. I realized I have been practicing Zen (not terribly formally, just sitting in conjunction with my martial arts training) for 15 years, and by comparison, church feels very passive to me. Like, when you sit zazen, it’s up to you to do the work! Whereas in church all you have to do is listen to the preacher and maybe sing a little bit. But then, I think maybe the interdenominational aspect was the problem here? I might have found the service more meaningful if it hadn’t been trying to please everyone. I dunno. I am passionately anti-religious (but not atheist) and would be interested in hearing perspectives from other Toasties on these things!
In other news, thanks to the magic of Tinder, I managed to (finally) get laid before 2015 ended. This has improved my outlook on all things immeasurably. Hopefully it will happen a few more times before the year is out, even!
Depends on the sect.
Some churches are big in to exhorting people to come up and witness about whatever miracles happened to them, or throw some snakes at each other and stuff.
Catholics on the other hand have gotten that shit down to a science, you can sleep walk through catholic mass.
Did you wake up to the tiniest dusting of snow that came over last night? (I think a bunch of my friends were at that service last night, incidentally, but MrChouffe and I were firmly ensconced by the fire.) The snow, as tiny and as transient as it was, improved my Xmas spirit -immensely-.
Ensconced by the fire would have been a FAR better use of an hour last night! You were in the right place. I did walk straight to the Franklin for a large glass of Johnnie Walker Black afterward, which put me into a much better frame of mind…
No snow out here, but at least everything was frost-kissed–finally, some proper weather! We’ll get some on Sunday, I think. Happy Xmess!
I would say this is less due to it being an interdenominational service and more likely due to it being just…a lame service.
Christmas/Christmas Eve services are often soft-balled regardless of denomination. Since they’re always stuffed with families with small children who don’t attend church otherwise, visiting relatives, etc., they tend to be short on the challenge and heavy on the “familiar carols, brief cozy homily, light some candles, done.”
I totally recommend finding a congregation that does a labyrinth walk or Taizé service for Advent next year. Much more challenging and introspective, and much more on a line with zazen or meditation experience!
These are great suggestions, thank you! I think a labyrinth walk would be very much more my thing. I am really trying to come to terms with my knee-jerk aversion to Christianity, since I do know some Christians whose faith has led them to do amazing things. It’s good to know that this kind of service is out there.
As a preacher, you’re likely to get a challenging sermon from me the 4th Sunday of Advent, and carols and readings Christmas eve.
It’s not a great time to challenge people, and make them think. There’s a lot of restlessness in the pews, small, over extended children, and big expectations of “traditional”.
I made popovers for the first time yesterday! I was always under the impression that they were really difficult to make, but turns out they are super easy! They came out perfectly and my family enjoyed a nice Christmas Eve dessert! Also I don’t know if I have ever felt a greater feeling of pride in my work than when I saw them start to pop out of their tins! I can’t wait to make more in the future!
What have been your baking/cooking experiments and triumphs and total disasters recently?
I am going to deep fry a turkey today. I lIve on the edge! 😱
I tried out a recipe for a fruit cake for the first time that I brought back from my gap year in Brazil years ago. It turned out so delicious! I wonder why I never tried it before.
And during the summer, I made the best apple cake ever. It has, besides regular apples, applesauce, apple juice, raisins and almonds (I think) in it, and it is just the best. Seriously.
I also made a lot of risotto this year, with different vegetables each time. I love risotto.
I know a woman who makes popovers frequently. Once in a great while they don’t come out right. She serves them anyway, but her kids call these pop-unders.
I did cheesecakes for xmas dinner pudding, little individual ones in ramekins so I didn’t have to worry about whether they were set properly or not. Some toffeenut and some gingerbread and they were all v good!
They were AMAZING. Also can I say I love my family for many reasons, but during holiday dinners I especially love you all for being so good about my gluten free needs.
Being English I had no idea what a popover was but having googled it oh my god you guys have something that’s basically a Yorkshire Pudding too! Fantastic. That is good to know. Also I am fascinated that you eat it as a dessert too because you only have Yorkshire puddings with roasts and gravy in the UK.
Popovers are my houseguest/holiday superweapon. They’re delicious, great on their own or with butter, honey, jam, etc, and they look much harder to make than they are. People are always happy about surprise popovers. I’m glad you’ve found them.
Toasties, make these for festive times, and everyone you’ve cooked for will feel special!
Merry Christmas! I got a big bright blue suitcase and a Mulder It’s Me T-shirt and a Broad Fucking City T-shirt and some other things and I get to see niece on her first Christmas.
my friend has a Broad fucking city shirt and I have never been more jealous of anything
I got a bright purple suitcase!
If I were on top of my game, these rats would be wearing hats, but they’re cute anyway. We also finally gave them names: Sauce Boy, Morpo, and Squanchy.
All three rat noses in one place!
Sauce Boy
Alex and Morpo
Morpo and I
Your rats are so cute! Mine could also not be persuaded into wearing festive attire but I gave them hazelnuts anyway.
Awwwwww
OMG THE LITTLE RATTIE NOSES THEY ARE SO CUUUUUTE
Squanchy is the best rat name. The End.
NOPE. I’M DEAD. TOO CUTE.
Ahhhhhh! Rodent love! <3 <3 <3
They’re adorable. Thanks for sharing pics!
Parents are at mass and have finally realized that despite two years of working for the Catholics I am not going. Have bubbly wine and Catan and a terrific “ugly Christmas sweater” style Steelers sweater. So much food though. So stuffed.
My parents got me The Annotated Little Women and Mad About Monkeys, by Owen Davey, and a tree of life phylogeny necklace!
Merry, merry Christmas to those who celebrate and happy day off to those who don’t.
The only thing that might spoil the day is the level of volume coming from the new sound speakers getting set up in the basement. I foresee long negotiations about how loud is too loud.
Dear Toasties, I hope you have a peaceful Christmas, or, if you’re not celebrating, some awesome paid days off work!
I don’t know why, but Christmas with my dysfunctional family is especially hard this year. My father is a mansplaining know-it-all who shuts down conversations with topics on which he has nothing to say about. God beware his children actually know more about something than he does!
One of the “highlights” was him going on about how 30 years ago, the public didn’t talk about mental illness, and how this has gotten much better. While this is true for society, it is most definitely not for our family – half my family have a diagnosed mental illness and take medicine, and we never, ever talk about this stuff.
The thing is, I don’t really have an alternative to coming home for Christmas – my other option would have been to stay alone in my flat, while all my friends go home to their families except for the newlywed couple in whose first Christmas alone I really didn’t want to intrude. But I also don’t have any friends here in the town where my parents live, so I’m basically stuck at home.
But on the bright side – we haven’t opened presents yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting Mallory’s book and, hopefully, the Hamilton soundtrack!
I feel you. There was a big thing at dinner yesterday and I was weeping silently in a car full of people and they all sort of ignored it. Even though several people in my family have mental illness, there’s a weird refusal to acknowledge mine. Bleh. At least my sister is here tonight.
Oh man, I’m sorry for you. I hope it gets better for all of us, and maybe, someday our relatives will realize that ignoring something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Sorry your father is a jerk. Mine is not excellent either. It’s his way or the highway. His father (a wonderful, generous man) is visiting and advised me to just say “Okay, sure,” whenever my dad says something, then continue with whatever I was doing/believing. I hate this idea because it lets my dad continue being a jerk with no repercussions, but maybe it’s the best way to survive the situation?
It’s just hard for me to not say anything. But at least I managed to say “I don’t want to talk about [certain topic] anymore” yesterday, which I guess was kind of a success?
if you keep saying “okay sure” he’ll probably start feeling condescended to, but you have plausible deniability… you’re right though, not ideal.
That’s great, Merripat! There’s also a whole family of responses along the lines of “okay, sure,” that can be deployed. Feel free to get creative with your ways of expressing vague, noncommittal agreement! Then take some time after the family event to reassure yourself that you did not actually approve of any of those things. I even remind myself of it out loud. “This is something I said to avoid conflict because it wasn’t worth the conflict, and in reality FATHER YOU ARE AN UTTER JUICEBOX WITH AN INFLATED SENSE OF IMPORTANCE.”
Hope everyone is having a good day, regardless of who you’re surrounded by or what you celebrate. If you’re feeling down, let me send you some good vibes and know that you’ve got a Toastie thinking of you this morning.
The exciting thing for me today is that I got a Kindle! The first thing I did was download a sample of celebrity ghost hunter Zak Bagans’s book so clearly I’m going to make good use of this thing. But honestly: I’m hoping it will revitalize my reading–lack of space and need for portability has kind of quashed my bookishness recently. Any suggestions for great stuff available on Kindle?
Almost everything is available on Kindle these days. Check if your library has ebooks you can download to it though! Good times!
Also at BookBub.com you can sign up for a daily email with ebooks that are free or on sale. Probably 80% of them are terrible self published things but then 20% are actual good books that are just on sale.
Amazon has lists of top free and pay-for books in all sorts of categories. Everything on project gutenberg is downloadable free, and the fanfic on AO3 if you like fanfic can all be downloaded as mobi files.
I’m hoping really hard for a Kindle myself. I currently use the Kindle app on my phone. As far as books, what’s your preferred genre?
I spent Christmas Eve in the emergency room! It was so exciting. I caught a cold while on vacation, and it really kicked in about a week ago. Then on Tuesday I found that it was hurting really bad to cough, like I was struggling between HAVETOCOUGH and NODON’TITHURTS and finally yesterday it just hurt to move at all.
Momma said “is it pleurisy” and I said ‘pretty sure I just pulled a muscle coughing’ (PSA: Don’t Cough While Lying Down), and then she said “I bet it’s bronchitis, maybe a kidney thing, why do you never go to the doctor when i tell you to, you just say ‘oh it’s a cold'” and i was like “fine, let’s go, it hurts really fucking bad just to touch my side” and we went!
GUESS WHAT.
I fucking strained the muscles of my chest wall from coughing so damn hard with this cold. And doing it while lying down because when you’re coughing in your sleep, you’re not exactly awake enough to remember to sit up first. (This same thing happened when I was 16, but on the other side, and the strain was caused by carrying too many heavy textbooks, we assumed. Weeks of test to rule out other causes for pain, though!)
And then I got the “I told you so” look because the doctor was like “oh, and your CT-scan says you have a cyst on your kidney, and this cough is bronchitis now”. Uggggh. (It also showed that I have an ovarian cyst! And I want to say THANK YOU again to the Link Roundup a couple weeks ago that talked about endometriosis, because one of the comments pointed out PCOS symptoms, and this kind of confirms it, so I will be getting my butt over to a gynocologist/endocrinologist next month to get treatment.)
In other reasons for having an exciting holiday-eve at the ER, my lab tech doctor was wearing a headscarf, and my mom started asking me questions about it, saying “those people” and “aren’t there two kinds of people with headscarves” and I was like ohgodno, and got to gently explain to her that she was being kind of racist, and then had to figure out how to explain the different kinds of covers that Muslim women might wear so that she didn’t make it more racist, and ugh. Explaining one possible reason why you see the scarves in the Middle East (they come from traditional clothing, which is adapted to the weather patterns), she was like “but the men are so horrible to women in those places!” and I had to point out that yeah, Saudi Arabia, Dubai, and so on are pretty awful places, but it’s not because they’re Muslim countries – it’s because they’re misogynist monarchies that enable shitty people (and talked about the human rights problems in Dubai that have nothing to do with being Muslim).
AND THEN this is the part that shocked me and the reason I’m sharing this story: Momma listened and said “Oh, I understand” and then “it’s horrible that people want to round up Muslims into refugee camps. Your sdad and I were watching a documentary last week, and did you know that they’ve tried to do it with Hispanics, too, and they did it to the Japanese-Americans in world war 2? That’s awful! I had no idea!”
My parents didn’t know about the Japanese-American internment camps and they’re not exactly uninformed about history or politics or world events. How did that happen? How many other fairly well-informed baby boomers simply don’t know? I was taught about it in school in the 90s, but it’s so easy to tune out news/memorial things without realizing it now that I’m an adult, and to know that they didn’t know… it’s just shocking. How can they not know and how many other people never learned?!
(it does sort of explain certain things about the way boomers act re: the usa, if this ignorance is fairly prevalent)
Ugh. So sorry about discovering all that at once! Feel better!
Thanks! I’m mostly annoyed that my mom gets to be all “I told you so” about what the ER docs said, because she always says “that cough sounds like bronchitis” when I get a cold, and I always say “if it lasts longer than a week, I’ll go to the doctor” and this time she was riiiight it’s the worst.
It’s really nice to know about the cysts, too bad it was this way. Better than finding out because one burst, though, right? 😀
Much better to find out this way! I hope you are able to easily get an appointment and that it goes smoothly, but for right now just feel better!
So sorry you’re hurting and sick. Yet you found the energy to educate your mom. Impressive.
I was in pretty good public schools in the 1970s and did not learn about US internment camps. I knew about them only because my godfather and his parents had been interned in one of them. Without the personal connection, I would have been as oblivious as your mom. Was she in school the same time I was?
Thanks! I’m mostly annoyed that my mom gets to say “I told you so” about what the ER docs said. 😀 I had decided a week or so ago that I was tired of her saying vaguely racist things and not getting called on it, so made it a resolution to educate her when it happens. She doesn’t want to be racist, but her environment and whatnot are quietly encouraging it. (Funnily, she’s the one who sends everyone Snopes links when they post shit on Facebook.) She’s fairly progressive in her politics but also very religious, which I think is a difficult balance since most of the churches around here are very patriarchal conservative, and most of her friends go to one of the big megachurches that have Elders and no women leaders.
You’re right about my mom’s age – she was born in 1962, so was in public school in the 70s. I feel like I remember that in the 90s for the 50th anniversary, there was a lot of hubub about reparations for the Japanese-Americans and so on, but maybe that was mostly on my radar because of school, and then because of the YA books I read about it. It was a little more surprising that my sdad, who is a lot more political (strongly liberal) and reads the papers regularly and watches political programs on tv, had no idea. Or maybe he just didn’t realize the extent?
I’m a late boomer and I don’t recall being taught about the Japanese internment camps in school, but I did learn about them when I moved to California in the 80s–I suspect that it’s regional knowledge, and related to the size of the local Japanese population? But then, the amount of “history” we learned in school could be measured in teaspoons. I was just lucky to be interested and do a lot of reading on my own, so it was hit or miss according to what happened to draw my attention.
Ugh, so sorry about your illness/injury! I was born in 1961 and I don’t remember NOT knowing about the J-A concentration camps. Maybe this explains so many of my fellow Olds thinking Trump has good ideas?
It is bizarre what people aren’t aware of sometimes. I was having a conversation with my boyfriend’s family about prisoners’ voting rights recently, and his dad mentioned the fact that until fairly recently, “lunatics” couldn’t vote. Me: “Well, nor could women”. Boyfriend’s aunt, with a shocked expression: “Really?” The film Suffragette has been all over the place recently. I don’t know how she could have reached the age of 40-something without being at least vaguely aware of the fight for voting rights.
Oh my, that’s astounding. Did she ever even see Mary Poppins? maybe didn’t put two and two together?
I tend to suspect there are particular gaps in historical knowledge for each generation that depends on what people think is history vs current events. It always takes a bit for things to make it into the history books – one of my professors in college was horrified that no one understood his reference to the Iran-Contra scandal, even though it took place within our lifetimes (albeit during toddlerhood).
The internment of Japanese-Americans is obviously a much bigger deal and it should be upsetting that people don’t know about it, but I’m not terribly surprised that they don’t. Unfortunate timing issue AND embarrassing to the country?
I am stuck on how your mom guessed from you having a bad cold that you also had something going on with your kidney! That is a downright witchy level of I Told You So knowledge.
It’s not quite as witchy as it sounds!
Every time I complain about aches in my side, even if it’s obviously just simple muscle strain (which I get a lot because of a weak back), she says “I bet you have something going on with your kidney”. Eventually she’d get it right, except this cyst isn’t even big enough or the type to cause trouble (the doc said “eh, it doesn’t look like you need to worry about it, but keep an eye on it”).
The I Told You So Look was so loud the folks at the nurse station could’ve heard it telegraphed through the walls, I mean.
Happy Today! I shall be watching Hitchcock films all afternoon. Fa la la, &c.!
Looking for advice – Feline Julie has become leery of her carrier. Tries to avoid going near it, and the last time I put her in, she trembled and then wet all over, poor thing. I have started trying to feed her inside it; sometimes she walks right in, sometimes she won’t be bribed. Other suggestions?
Okay maybe an obvious question, but you’ve been leaving the carrier out and letting it be all non-threatening “yo, the door isn’t even attached right now, check it out it’s a cool hidey-cave”? And you’ve felt all around the inside for sharp bits or spiders or anything? That’s usually what we found was the problem when our dog decided he was having nothing to do with his kennel – or else he’d been inside too long and was afraid we’d abandoned him, or something? he hated being alone.
Have you tried using a different carrier (or borrowing one) to see if it’s every carrier, or just her own?
Oh yes! She is leery of all hide holes now, except her crinkle tunnel. Poor thing. I want her to be comfy in it, but have tried three carriers and she hates all three. No pokey bits!
Can you get a soft thing with the same texture and sound as the crinkle tunnel? Maybe even another tunnel of the same type and cut it down somehow so it fits? Also, treats, toys, comfort objects–but mainly, if you know what she likes, try to make the carrier resemble that. You might woven have to dump this carrier and start over with a new one that doesn’t smell of fear-pee.
I’m in the US and my vet recommended a pheromone spray called Adaptil. I get it at my pet store, but it’s also available online. It’s appropriate for dogs and cats. If you sprayed it on a blanket inside the carrier, I believe it would calm your Julie kitty. You’re a good cat guardian, looking out for her so tenderly.
Does she need to go in it regularly?
Mine lives under the bookshelf with the door off (so I can just put them in it without having to go and get it out of the cupboard and alerting them to upcoming evil things) and they both sleep in it now.
I try to make her go inside for every feeding time.
I meant does she need to go in it for carrying reasons regularly, or is it just a vet/emergency thing?
If she’s already worried about it then you may be stressing her more by forcing the issue. If it were me, I’d just leave it out, put the pheromone spray in it, let her chill out about it existing, sometimes stick some treats in and around it and ignore it, and once she has forgotten it is the cave of evil and is generally back to normal catdom and enjoying little places again, then start feeding her in it etc.
At the minute she is having to choose between staying hungry and going into a place she is scared of, so the whole experience of dinner is a bad one every day and it may build up and get worse rather than better. Once she is neutral about it again, then is the time to make it a positive place with food but I think she needs time to get neutral first in her own head and at her own pace, that step is important.
Mine still pee themselves on the way to the vet, but they don’t have to go that often and they don’t need to go in the carrier otherwise – it’s the whole car/already being ill/vet thing that makes them so scared, not the carrier itself.
My local vet’s office has a Feliway thingy that they plug into the wall outlet in the kitty waiting room. It looks like a light bulb that gives off calming cat pheromones when the electricity heats it up. The pheromone is a smell that cats give off when they feel relaxed and happy.
I use Feliway spray in the carrier, which makes it smell like a chill happy place for cats. Can’t smell it myself, but I think the cats seem less freaked out.
I woke up sick. 🙁
Sore throat, achy, chills… blah. So going to curl up with tea and read and watch stuff and generally be a bum (though at my parents’ house, at least for a while).
But really Merry Christmas and love to all. Thanks for letting me whine just a little. (:
Me too! And I still have to power through and do family Christmas duty later today. My only hope is lemon, hot tea, and will power. Ugh.
sick on days off work is the pits. I’m sick in bed, too, and can’t join my family because bronchitis + old people immune systems isn’t ideal. We can be sick in solidarity. 😀
I hope you feel better swiftly!
Also sick (stomach flu) and man does it suck being sick on Christmas, because if people are taking care of you it means they’re neglecting their holiday so you either feel guilty or just suck it up and suffer. Here’s hoping you feel better soon!
Hello. We have grapefruit-juice mimosas, a fire in the fireplace, a big chunk of pig in the oven that will become bo ssam pork for supper, and two sleepy and contented cats. MrChouffe and I ended up getting each other cookbooks so we are pajamed and reading about food. Life is good.
I hope you’re all having exactly the day that you want, whatever that means to you.
Racist relatives thread:
Mr. Helenosaurus’ grandma is casually racist. Yesterday’s example: “Well it used to be such a good school but when I drive past now there are so many dark people. Mexicans I guess.” (Talking about her old high school.) I don’t have to see her very much, and my sister in law made a drinking game out of it, but like. Ugh. I want to shut her down so much. How do I do this gently and not meanly? Because as much as I appreciate the bluntness of “Yo, is this racist?”, I can’t shame her and survive the next ? years.
“Grandma, you’re just fine. No need to belittle others to feel better about yourself. And you’re certainly above being racist. Now tell me about [insert her favorite hobby here].”
Not for the faint of heart. It’s OK to refuse to engage, refuse to feed the troll. Silence is a dignified response.
My smom’s family is like that, and it’s horrible. I try to avoid any gatherings of the entire step-clan when there’s alcohol involved, because some of them are also similarly misogynist/homophobic and it’s difficult to not try to defend myself around them. But I’m not close to them – they’re step-family! – and haven’t actually made it clear to anyone that I’m queer – because they’re bigots! – so.
SO LUCKY that this year I had an iron-clad excuse to get out of it without future guilt-tripping from smom.
My mom has been saying vaguely racist things like that lately, though, and it seems to be a result of having joined Facebook and her current church friends being racist. She doesn’t want to be racist, but she doesn’t quite understand that she is? so my 2016 resolution is to interrupt her and teach her when it happens (which I did last night about our doctor’s headscarf at the ER). Not sure if Mr’s grandma will be as amenable to it, but I’ve had success with just asking “why?” – if they’re being racist out of ignorance and not malice, it gets them to explain where the racist thought came from, and then learn that it is racist. “Why is it bad that there are dark people there?” “Why is it a problem if there are Mexicans going to school there?” etc. If it’s malicious or entrenched, unfortunately this method just gets into arguments, as I’ve found with my step-clan. With them, I limit myself to an icy look of disgust and loudly change the subject. I often try to change it to something that highlights the racism of what they just said, but that’s because I like playing with fire.
Merry Christmas, Toasties! My beloved and I just moved to Palo Alto last week, so we’re celebrating by making our first trip into SF to do a room escape. He came up with the perfect name, so now I have to start Palo Altoasties. Anyone interested in meeting up around here after the new year? Email me at beckie@gmail, please!
Omg, I work for a room escape in sf. I’m not at work today, but have lots of fun!
I am more of a lurker than a true Toastie, but I love “Palo Altoasties” and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. I live and work in EPA, so a Palo Alto meetup would be glorious! Merry Christmas and welcome to the Peninsula! All the expense of the city with a fraction of the fun 😉
Omg those are so fun we did a bunker one in la and it was the best. Have a great time!
Gift from parents!
<3 <3 <3 Let’s see Mr. Darcy! <3 <3 <3
Here are Lizzy and Darcy at the dance
Here are Jane and Bingley
It’s a crimcram miracle! That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Also perfectly accurate to the spirit of the novel.
Happy crimcram secondursula; baby Darcy and Wickham!
And here is Wickham!
That’s now my canonical Wickham. He’s perfect.
Clearly a knave among guinea pigs
power play much, Darcy?
OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH
That is fantastic!
This is AMAZING!!!
MARVELOUS!
THIS IS AMAZING
I have had a lovely day, eaten too much, am now on the sofa watching Dr Who trapped under a large cat and I’d quite like him to move so I can go and have a wee.
I tend to celebrate Gurnenthar’s Ascendance which I define as Christmas without all the bits you don’t like about it.
Have some cat pictures!
Giles would approve of your holiday celebrations.
Giles and Spike are hanging on the tree…
Giles looks much more comfortable being there than Spike does.
My sister kept the non-vamp-face one, I got the fangs!
Good episode, I thought.
My family is moderately terrible and I have only meh to bad Christmas memories, but I’m with my girlfriend’s family this year for the first time and they’re lovely. I’m so pleasantly surprised to be having a good time. I hope other people are also having a better than expected time!
Update: I got the Chernow Hamilton book, among more presents than I’ve had since I was very small. These are good people.
Season’s greetings and a Christmas grimace/smile from Cloe.
Last night the Slavic side was celebrated with many meatless dishes, late night mass, pierogi, ancestor veneration and an unfortunate lack of talking animals. (Or was there…?)
Today is a day of early morning champagne, dad gifts (gloves! wally world eggnog mugs! a dilbert calendar! a crock pot!), and roast beast. Coloneldad’s commitment to perfect Yorkshire pudding is about as much as the English side will be acknowledged.
Season’s Greetings from your resident fluffy root vegetable!
(This picture is so cute I am dying every time I look at it somewhere)
My sister is over for Christmas and we’ve finally actually developed an interest in common- she’s designing a tarot deck, so I got her a book on tarot card interpreting for Christmas (she is a super good artist and has done some fantastic tarot paintings, one of which she sold for four hundred dollars!!! I’m super proud). Which means that our conversation has been about 75% more pleasant than usual.
My biggest present so far has been some kind of fencing to make a pen or crate for the dog, I’m not entirely sure how it works yet and I dropped it on my toe and chipped off a good quarter of my toenail. Ow.
CHARLIE POTATO HASHBROWNS IS WEARING A BOW TIE
*dies*
*is ded*
I don’t understand how that adorable stuffed animal keeps getting bigger and changing positions in all your pictures. He cannot be a real dog he is too fluffy!
People have been repeating the BASELESS SLANDER that he is a stuffed animal since I acquired him. It should be plain to see that he is not any kind of toy, he is a REAL POTATO.
(a very very cute one)
Perfect dog, and each photo reveals new toasty hash brown degrees of aptness with regards to his name. If you and your sister haven’t done so, check out the Fool’s Journey posts over on Autostraddle–really astute and fun and loaded with so many resources for further tarot fun that you will want to run up debt forever and ever and read them all. But really, that DOG.
Merry Christmas toasties! I have finally seen Star Wars and would very much like a BB-8. He’s like a cross between a puppy and a roomba! For Jewish Christmas I will be having Chinese food and watching another movie, as is customary in my people’s religious traditions.
In the wake of seeing the movie something I have not seen said enough is: there definitely needs to be some BB-8/R2-D2 interactions in the next movie. Or maybe they could make a half hour special thing with just Threepio, Artoo, and BB-8 getting up to no good and hijinks ensue. I want that so much.
Y’all!
It’s become impossible for me to comment when I normally do (ahem during work) due to tech issues so I dearly miss participating. I just want to say hi, and I’d really love if I can keep up with you on Twitter. I’m @gyip. I post outfit selfies (just started this fall!), dumb comments in hopes of amusing you, and hilarious bad dating snippets.
I’m so happy to have the Toast community, and it got me through some big ups and downs during a year of growth and change. All for the better, but sometimes hard. Thank you to Nicole C., Mallory, and the Toast team for bringing this to all of us, and me. Thank you to all the big hearts and sharp minds here who have offered and/or keep offering love, wisdom, support, and just even one voice that says “it’s okay … you’re okay.”
I wish you all peace, strength, acceptance, health, laughter, and love. I hope to see you more here in 2016!
Gloria
You are wonderful, Gloria.
– Astrid
You may be aware of the Toastie Twitter list… https://mobile.twitter.com/embryoconcepts/lists/t…
Am very sad that husband and I were too sick to go to our synagogue’s kosher Chinese food party, but instead we cuddled a crying baby and watched Blazing Saddles, so we’re sufficiently Jewish for the day.
Am dying to know who has the Secret Toast mom who posted about getting their daughter tickets to Hamilton! Good mom, that.
New account, since this is…not public information yet. I’m pregnant, and my husband doesn’t want to tell his family until we’re past the first trimester (which is fair, I guess). Unfortunately, we’re about to spend a week with his family, and I am having some very noticeable morning (and afternoon, and evening) sickness, plus food aversions that will definitely result in his relatives being offended that I’m not eating everything the way I usually do. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I am a terrible liar, for the record.
Recovering from food poisoning? I feel like it’s a simple enough lie that nobody would really question you further, which is where I always fall apart as a terrible liar.
Best Christmas ever! I got dancing baby Groot, 4 Metrocards, 2 coffee giftcards and a few other things I can’t remember because baby dancing Groot, and my travel and coffee needs are taken care of for at least a couple of months, god bless.
Here’s a gift for anyone else who’s dealing with family bullshit (specifically LGBTQ-phobic bullshit) : http://www.yourholidaymom.com/.
Dad presents? My dad got me a skilsaw. I’m super excited about it, but sad I’m not at my parent’s for Christmas were we could go to my dad’s shop and immediately start cutting things with my new saw.
I got a sewing kit. This is a dad gift only if you know coloneldad’s hobbies. Most of them involve handsewing historical costumes. He could put Victorian Lady to shame and be less pretentious about it.
My mum gave me a hatchet and a hammer, and now I need to go chop things and pound nails.
My dad regifted to me, on the spot, a book he received from a coworker called “The Sudoku Puzzle Mystery,” which appears to be about the puzzle compiler for a small-town newspaper solving a murder, but also you, the reader, have to solve some crosswords and sudoku to figure out the mystery. I’m looking forward to it, but especially to solving all but one word in the crosswords and then showing them to him and demanding that he help because I’m “stuck”.
A+ daughtering, well done.
That is excellent.
My dad got me a micro engraver, which I added to my wishlist over a year ago. I have quite forgotten what I wanted it for in the first place, but I guess I’m going to be learning how to engrave stuff now.
A goddamn toolbox with a hammer and a file and screwdrivers and a saw and a A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT. it is awesome and he is so happy!
My uncle got me a tool backpack so I can take my tools on the subway more easily. Skilsaw sounds awesome!
I watched the NFB “Great Toy Robbery” and laughed, and am now watching “Noel Noel” and am laughing some more. Also, Leslie Nielsen should narrate EVERYTHING. My accidentally-ate-MSG-last-night headache is almost gone, due entirely to laughing at Canadian Xmas cartoons. Happy Day, most beloved misandrists!
Here’s the link for Noel Noel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDYCTKIGy1E
I am somewhat shocked to be have a reasonably nice Christmas this year. My sweetie and I made butterbeer last night (with southern comfort instead of bourbon, very tasty) and this morning I had a Skype with my parents & sisters (which we’ve never done before??) and it was very nice?? I haven’t had a family Christmas in many many years.
We had to save up backyard eggs for like a month (this year is too cold for the hens to keep laying apparently) but it was worth it, very delicious eggs for breakfast ALSO I will be eating the traditional PANETTONE WITH [new tradition] MASCARPONE CHEESE, DAMN this is good.
Also today I’m watching all of the Hobbit movies and eating chips and homemade secret recipe dip.
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TOASTS
I just finished Skyping with my family. My sister does a quiz every year, and this year’s was “Below the Line”, where she read out appalling comments from the year’s news stories on the Guardian and Daily Mail websites and we had to guess the story. (I won, which I also do every year.) It was lovely.
i’m on the opposite coast from my family and we were too mutually poor for gift exchange or for me to fly home this year. this is my first christmas without my mom and i’m pretty sad about it! this is also my first christmas without my ex of five+ years, so, you know.
anyway, yesterday i cooked dinner with my roommates and this afternoon i’ll be drinking cheap beer with old friends. i’m pretty depressed and just wanna stay home, but i think i should go out!
happy christmas, everyone!
Boo for being on separate coasts but yay for old friends!
Merry Christmas/happy Friday!!! This is my first Christmas as an openly nonbelieving nonMormon. My family are all very devout Mormons, so avoiding the topic of religion on a religious holiday is a bit awkward. But Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, so I’m just learning to transition my love into a (more openly, because I have never believed) secular celebration. Any tips for keeping the peace being the only celebrating nonbeliever?
Also, I showed my dad, who is notoriously hard to shop for, Mallory’s article about men who are so hard to shop for when it came out, and he still can’t stop talking about how it’s hilarious and perfect. So that was a better present than the actual presents I got him.
Happy Christmas all.
I woke up bright and early thanks to a beeping carbon monoxide dectector. Which my visiting parents completely managed to sleep through. But then I was able to google to difference between “death now” and “replace batteries” and got a couple more hours of sleep.
Everyone seems to have liked their gifts, the cat is wearing her sweater quite happily. And most amazing of all, I got Adele tickets. My mother, who sometimes has to call me to ask how to save a file, managed to not only navigate ticketmaster, but get tickets in the 10 minutes before they sold out. That’s like 3 different miracles.
BE CAREFUL
We had a bad fake fireplace in our old house. Leaked CO for a week (in January so we had it running daily). Ex was feeling sick so stayed home all week BY THE FIRE and got sicker. I nearly fell asleep on the couch in same room, but dragged my butt upstairs to bed to be near the kids. The downstairs CO detector never went off. It wasnt’ until the whole house filled up that the upstairs one went off and I dragged everybody out of the house and to the ER in an ice storm. Ex was so poisoned he thought he was fine, took a shower instead, tried to jump out of the car while I was driving…
Main story is that the chemical detectors in those only last 4 1/2 years or so. Then the whole thing needs replaced. We ended up ok but if I”d slept downstairs we’d all be dead.
You can still be burned as a witch for telling people that your cat is happy about wearing a sweater.
For Christmas, my husband got me a nice cheap Wacom Intuos tablet, after I expressed a desire to go back to drawing after like 15 years of not drawing.
I proceeded to make SCRIBBLES:
I also got a Chemex coffee brewer and a tiny Funko Pop Mads Hannibal, which is currently looming over our bed sinisterly. Good Christmas!
I applaud your restraint in not drawing more dicks wearing Santa hats.
Well now I know how I’m spending my evening!
Hi Toasties!! After a very eventful Italian-American Christmas Eve last night, and a more subdued Christmas with my mom’s side of the family, I’m going to my S.O.’s Christmas dinner to meet some of his relatives from the west coast.
Hopefully I’ll be able to get the frosting off of my jeans by then. I also broke one of my grandma’s glasses, fulfilling the holiday embarrassment quota.
I hope you all have an awesome holiday!
Merry Christmas from the Antipodes! Yesterday we LAUGHED in the face of all the rain forecasts and it was 25C and we went to the beach to swim. You can tell it’s Christmas because people were wearing santa hats with their bikinis.
Our new tradition is making our own Christmas tree. This year’s effort involved an angle lamp and paper cut-outs, paper lantern style. We learned out to make quiche, using the recipe from a 1970s Joy of Cooking, and it’s true: take the quiche out of the oven when the egg near the crust is cooked and the residual heat will cook it through. These were the lightest and most delicate quiches we have ever constructed.
Now it’s Boxing Day, everyone else in the house is still asleep, and I am sitting on the deck with the dog, drinking coffee and watching rainbow lorikeets bob around in the red gun tree. I hope you all have a chance to grab some chill time today.
I also went to the beach to swim yesterday! Antipodes Christmases for the win!
We were going to go on a day walk today, but we ate too much yesterday and it is another scorcher, so we’re reevaluating*.
* Lazing indoors and avoiding decisions.
I am a visitor to the Antipodes and also went to the beach yesterday! What a great tradition. Santa hats on top of swimsuits are hilarious.
lamp + paper cut outs sounds awesome! do you have any photos?
I’m in chilly southern California, and also went to the beach yesterday – but just to walk around the sand in a sweater and beachcomb a bit. Wintry beach days are kind of a christmas week/new years day tradition for my family. It’s bracing and refreshing and beautiful, so I was very happy. But I’m glad it was nice enough for you for swim suits!
Hello, dear Toasts, wherever you are, I hope your troubles are few.
Does anyone have any good tips for letting go of anger? I can’t be too specific about this, but this past week someone did something to hurt someone I care about (and for whom I am responsible in some capacity) and I can’t stop thinking about how much undeserved worldly power he has and how wrong what he did was and how he will probably keep going throughout life hurting people in a similar way without ever even realizing why what he’s doing is wrong. It is like swallowing a big bowling ball made of hydrochloric acid and keeps coming back to bother me when I want to feel Christmassy and charitable. I know revenge doesn’t work (as a good opera buff, I’ve learned that it always comes back and bites the person trying to do the avenging) and I belong to one of those religions that tells you to forgive those who’ve wronged you, and I know this person is a slime who is not worth distress or heartache, but what Captain Awkward would call my Rageasaurus keeps roaring away in my head and heart and spleen. Please help?
Thanks, and hope you are all having a good day off/merry Christmas/blessed Yule/richly remunerated and quiet work day!
I can’t say I’m good at letting go of things, but I’ve found visualizing my anger as crates and then throwing a tarp over them helps. It’s a way of saying I’m not thinking of this thing any more, and then I can go off do distracting things like play games. This mental thing also helps when my brain won’t shut down and let me sleep.
Will second the writing idea. There is no better villain to write than one that’s based on someone hateful.
Thanks! That visualization is a very good idea.
Love the writing idea. One of the few things I find comforting in the face of unremitting arseholeness is to say to myself ‘Well this is horrible, and he is horrible and the world is unfair but imagine how much worse it could be. You could be him! You could be someone just as hateful as this prick. But you’re not!! Hurrah!!!’
Thanks! 🙂
I think you are right that opera teaches us that villains get what comes around to them. It helps me when I’m mad at a person who did something really rotten to think about how there are probably so many people they have wrecked things with and that they’re probably not happy people, and are already reaping what they sow. Shitty people can sense that they’re shitty, its part of why they act that way. So, I dunno. I don’t think you need to forgive someone for doing something wrong, I think there are people you can refuse to forgive but simply move past.
Because I don’t think you have to put in a box marked, “it’s ok now, they’re off the hook, because I forgave them.” We don’t control other people and we can’t stop them from being shitty, but we can refuse to let them wreck us, and that’s what I’d go with, not letting that person wreck my day. Forgiveness for awful people who won’t change is really different to me than forgiving people you love who screw up. I think it’s maybe more when you get far enough past a horrible incident to look back and say, “ok I got past it, I’m ok, they’re still stupid, it doesn’t have a hold on me anymore.”
Thank you.
This is beautiful. My blood pressure improved just while I was reading it, I think.
It’s like Harry Potter at the end of “Prisoner of Azkaban” saying his father wouldn’t want his friends to become murderers for his sake.
Absolutely. You rise above to remind yourself you aren’t that person, and you think about how miserable it would be to be a person who is that selfish and then you let go of it. I have had some seriously wretched bosses, and each of them eventually got promotions which also took away all their staff and they ended up alienating other people so no one would work with them. And that felt like when things evened out- because by then I was happy and they ended up getting what they deserved through their own machinations, and I learned how to be unlike that person and using what they did as an object lesson resulted in me checking any behaviors that were like them.
And you can check in with the person they hurt and be like, “listen that guy was a jerk to you and how’s your anger doing, i’m angry with them too, but I’m thinking about how you are already a better person than they are, so I’m going to rise above them. They’re building their own downfall right now and you are not like that.” That I think is also healing and it’s probably what the person they hurt needs to hear, that other people think it was unjust and they didn’t deserve it and they should also be able to move on and reflect on what happened.
I’ve mostly found it useful to treat my anger as a tool. Baby anger exists to acknowledge that what happened was wrong, and shouldn’t have happened. Once I’ve accepted that, when the ugly anger rears its head I get all ticked off and say to myself, “Yes, I know. Is there anything useful you can tell me?”
The useful thing is that people control their own choices. Which we all know, in the abstract, even if sometimes it’s hard to believe. Makes it easier to re-spin the story from “Bad people do bad things and I should be stopping them” to a more helpful “People make bad choices and I choose how to respond to them.” I can stay angry about terrible things, but then anger can be used as a tool, instead of just making me miserable.
I am not sure if any of that makes sense to someone other than me.
My parents gave me these bookends
They’re made out of soapstone, which is especially awesome because I’m giving my brother a set of soapstone liquor chilling stones and a nice bottle of Amaretto for Christmas.
Also, it was insanely hot and muggy last night. I was sweating and miserable in my choir robe, so I went outside, which usually helps. It did not. Stupid global warming. However, the service went very well, my parents sang with our choir, and I received many accolades for my solo in the Schubert Gloria (Mass in G major). I like receiving accolades, especially from/in front of my parents.
Gosh it’s been a really eventful year…I’ve changed literally everything everything about my life. Having finished my PhD, I’m not a student for the first time in my entire life. I broke up with my nine-year boyfriend over the Summer– the main reason being because he wanted to settle down and have kids and I wanted to run around and have fun and travel and so forth. And then I moved to France and had a fling with an incredibly beautiful Frenchman who takes me on motorbike road trips and brings me freshly ground coffee and croissants to me in bed. And that fling turned into an extended fling, which turned into…something more. So that’s been wonderful though a lot has been hard. Leaving all my friends in London behind and it’s really hard to find an academic job… but the three things that have been hardest recently are:
1) My mother. She is a kind person and has been a good mother to me but she does not think before she speaks and says some horrendous, incredibly hurtful things without thinking. It’s not malicious, it’s just huge EPIC levels of tactlessness so I know I shouldn’t get really upset about it but…seriously some of the stuff she says…
2) My ex and I are still very good friends, the break up was amicable and we will always love each other. But right now I’m a little bit pissed off because he’s started going out with one of his housemates, whom he’s been really good friends with for ages. She was also a fairly good friend of mine. I don’t want him back or anything so it is fine but it’s just… Like, I absolutely know there was never anything between them when I was in the picture but still, I wish he’d started going out with someone new. I genuinely wanted him to have found someone…just I wish it wasn’t a really good friend he’s been super close to all the time we were together.
EDIT – put the last thing in a separate post as it makes it super long and I want advice for the other one.
You have an opportunity to help your mother. She needs a mantra to help her think before speaking. Decide what you would like that mantra to be. Then repeat it every time she says something horrendous because she didn’t think. Something like, “What an unkind thing to say, Mother.”
After she hears that from you 20 or 30 times, she’ll start to hear it, in your voice, in her mind’s ear. The hope is that she’ll begin to hear it *before* speaking.
Congratulations on your PhD and I envy you your beautiful Frenchman.
Thanks RoseCamelia!
And thank you for the advice too. I will try that. Sadly I’m rather doubtful it will work… since I think the problem may stem from the fact that she just can’t recognize what is horrendous that she says before she says it. Still nothing ventured I guess!
You’re correct: People seldom change. Your mother will not likely learn to recognize what’s horrendous.
My aim is for her to learn what *you* consider horrendous. We want her to learn to review her words in advance, thinking to herself, “Will Kitling respond ‘What an unkind thing to say’? Maybe I should keep these words to myself.”
And even if there is no change in your mother’s habits, having a good response will give you more peace. *That* is my ultimate goal.
Have you ever told your mom how hurtful stuff sounds? Have you ever asked her to talk to you differently? My mom has this amazing ability to wound me and I finally confronted her about it and we had a long talk and she acknowledged that she doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, so that helped and I acknowledged that I often tell other people how horrible it makes me feel but not her and we kind of agreed she needs to try to make sure she goes positive first before she goes critical or not give advice unless I’m asking for it, and I need to speak up and say, “OUCH MOM!” when she goes over the line. So you never know. You could just try it and be like, “Mom I know you love me but when you said that I needed to loose weight, it really felt horrible. I wish you wouldn’t comment on my appearance it makes me cry and I know it felt like no big deal to you but I’m sensitive about it.”
I really hate talking about feelings and my mom does too and it took us a long time to have that conversation but it was so hard and so helpful. And then she immediately said something i stewed over for a long time, so there you go. it’s not like it got perfect, but it did get a bit better.
Don’t be mad at your ex! You can be a little if you want, but there are reasons he’s an ex and he’s bringing all those qualities to this new relationship which is with someone he lives with, so he’s playing with fire. Think how most relationships are not going to work out, he’s probably going to eventually go through a breakup with her and then it’ll be so awkward for him. Plus it’s lazy. You are out there meeting new people and expanding your circle and he just narrowed his down. This is something to pity, not to resent. And if it does turn into true love somehow and he’s happy, try and be happy for him. To me, I think when you say you want him to find someone, you probably meant, just not before you did. That’s what I mean when I say I want my exes to be happy. I do, but slightly less happy than I am. Give it time and I’d really recommend blocking your access to this information about what he’s up to.
My ex started dating someone he insisted was just a friend after we broke up and who I had suspected he always longed for, but, I don’t think that worked out for him and now he’s out that friendship and his long lived fantasy that that was the secret perfect relationship. The best thing I did for myself was tell mutual friends not to tell me anything though so i can’t get mad about the specifics. That gave me a lot of peace. Plus I moved on way fast too, and my new boyfriend is way better than he was, so mazel to him, because I’m slightly happier.
I have actually talked to her about it. And she is sorry almost every time she does say something horrendous. But I just don’t know if she’s capable of stopping. It’s not like she wants to hurt me or doesn’t care or whatever — she doesn’t even want to keep doing that and she knows she should try to stop since it’s damaging to our relationship. But I’m not sure she is able to do anything about it. Despite her really astonishing levels of tactlessness, she is ultimately a good, loving person who wants the best for me and doesn’t want to hurt me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and not get too cross I guess and not let it damage things!
I’m not really mad at my ex, just a bit annoyed and little bit upset. I do want him to be happy and I think they would be good together. I just wish it wasn’t someone he’s been so close to and living with a lot of the time we were together, you know? (Edit: It’s a big house — there’s like 6 of them. They’re not living just with each other.) It’s not even that I wanted him to find someone after me because I started seeing the Frenchman straight away — I think before my ex started seeing anyone in fact.
And yeah a part of me is like ‘Seriously guys you need to get out more. There are people out there apart from your tiny tightly knit circle of friends FFS!’ But they’re both working like 13 hours a day and don’t have time to go out so no wonder they’ve gone for someone actually living in their house! But nevertheless they would actually be good together — in many ways that’s sort of why I’m a bit annoyed — because I always knew that they probably would be good together if I weren’t around. And here they are! Psah!!
It’s fine really. I really like the girl. And my ex and I will always love each other very much (just not in love or romantically) and I’m genuinely sure we’ll all be really good friends again one day. : ) Doesn’t stop me making cat hissy noise for the next week though!
I got an absolutely AMAZING gift from my husband: a round glass jar, about 2/3 full of whole mustard seeds, sealed with gold wax poured over the cork. It’s for me to keep on my desk and tilt back and forth and enjoy looking at the little round mustard seeds rolling around and filling space efficiently. This is possibly the best cheap gift ever given.
That is delightful.
What should I do? I guess there’s nothing much to be done but…
One of my best friends made a pass at me after I broke up with my ex. I said no — I just didn’t fancy him enough, certainly not to risk a really important friendship. We had a couple of really difficult conversations but sorted it out and were back to normal. I spoke with him on Skype from France a few weeks ago and everything was fine. Then I came back to London for Christmas and I kept trying to get hold of him to meet up with him because, you know, he’s my best friend. I couldn’t get hold of him. I asked a mutual friend whether he’d seen him. I then got a really cold one line email saying ‘Please stop chasing me. I need some space from you.’ As I said to him in my reply, it would have been upsetting but I’d have understood if he’d explained to me that he needed some space and didn’t want to see me right now. But why the hell did he need to just ignore me studiously and then act like I was some weirdo for wanting to meet up while I’m back in London? This is someone I used to see about 3 times a week! I sent him a long heartfelt email saying I understood why he’d need some space, that I feel I could have handled things better after he made a pass at me and I’m sorry about that, the reasons why I acted the way I did, how I’m very upset and confused by his behaviour now, etc. And then he sent me a message back just saying ‘Actually I don’t think you do understand how I feel. Please don’t make assumptions about my feelings like that’. And nothing else. I sent him a message saying he was right – I don’t understand but that’s because he won’t see me or speak to me. I said I wished he would explain why he was acting this way — that if he felt I’d done something horrible to him, then to give me the chance to clear up any misunderstanding. (Because…I just haven’t! I haven’t even been in the country!) He never replied to that and I’ve had no contact with him since.
It’s like he thinks that he’s the only one capable of being upset because he’s the one who’s been rejected…when surely he must see that being cold and hostile towards your best friend is an incredibly hurtful action? I burst into tears when I read his messages. And what does this really come down to anyway besides that, at the end of the day, he think he’s entitled to be horrible to a woman if she won’t fancy him back? I’m so disappointed and so upset. I’ve already lost a best friend in my ex — I’ve now lost another one. I really didn’t need that.
Ugh. He made an unwelcome pass at you and now he’s acting like it’s all your fault? Ugh, ugh, ugh. Please remember, for your own sanity–the relationship got weird because of something HE did. Two things: he made the pass–which in itself might be no harm, no foul–and then he isn’t really respecting your no.
Your no deserves all respect.
And why are you the one who has to do all the emotional heavy lifting, understanding his feelings and reaching out to him and apologizing, for heaven’s sake? Did he ever apologize for making the pass, did he ever make an effort to normalize the relationship, did he ever try to understand your feelings?
The relationship might be broken, I’m sorry, it sounds like you valued his friendship, but … if it’s broken, he broke it. Not you.
I’m very sorry you’re in pain right now and I hope that you and your friend can work past this in time and remain friends.
Something I’ve found that helps in situations like this is to remember that, at least in regards to the initial confessing of feelings, no one was wrong or at fault. You can’t help who you catch feelings for. He’s not wrong for falling for you and trying to pursue it, and you’re not wrong for not fancying him and turning him down.
From what you’ve written, I think what might have happened on his side was a valiant but misguided effort to save face after your rejection. He was able to white-knuckle it through the “difficult conversations” and speaking to you via Skype and such, but when he realized he would have to see you again in person he must have realized that his feelings about the matter weren’t resolved yet and he needed distance to heal. He’s probably still feeling embarrassed, humiliated, and lovesick. Unrequited love is never easy to get over and time is, unfortunately, the one thing that can help him.
I know it doesn’t seem fair to you and you’re rightly frustrated that he wasn’t honest with you about his true feelings on the matter. But to be fair to him, I don’t think he was being honest with himself either, which is why he took so long to tell you that he needed space to heal. Yes, his replies to you were short and brutally to the point about what he needs and it makes you want to sit him down and talk it out about how you feel and how he feels until the situation is back to what it was. But you already tried that and it didn’t work. And he’s kind of right, we don’t know exactly what he’s feeling and thinking. He’s throwing up hard boundaries for his emotional well-being and as hard as it is, they deserved to be accepted and as respected as much as your refusal was. Did he express them in the best way? No. Things always get messy when we let our emotions lead the way.
I don’t think he thinks he’s the only one capable of being upset because he was the one who was rejected. What else is he to do if his feelings are still raw over the situation? Torture himself by hanging out with you and pretending that nothing happened? That would truly be a disservice to your friendship and, in time, would break it past repair. Him pulling back from your friendship while he sorts out his feelings and emotions doesn’t mean that his actions indicate that he feels entitled to treat you or women in general horribly. Yes, you feel the loss of his friendship while you’re recovering from your breakup and the timing in general is terrible and you have every right to feel upset and hurt over that. You didn’t do anything and there’s nothing you CAN do except give him his space and hope that he heals quickly.
Your friendship is evolving and it’s painful on both sides, there’s no denying that. But I truly hope you will find your way back to each other and salvage the friendship into one that is built on a trusting, emotionally-equal foundation.
You have my very best wishes and virtual hugs as you go through this!
Thank you so much for your really kind and considered message. It’s really good to hear from someone who has such a kind attitude to what we’re both going through.
– Friend makes a pass at you
– A couple of difficult conversations follow
– Skype conversation a few weeks ago, everything seems fine
So, in the last few weeks these things happened:
– You go back to London
– You keep trying to get hold of him to meet up because you want to keep being friends
– He doesn’t respond
– You ask a mutual friend about him
– He sends you a short email where he asks for space and clearly says that he feels you’re chasing him
– You reply that you’d have understood if he’d explained that he needed some space and didn’t want to see you right now, and if I’m reading this right you also said in your email that he ignored you and made you seem like a weirdo
– You send him a long heartfelt email where you say that you understand why he needs space, you give him several reasons for your actions and you tell him that you’re upset and confused by his behaviour
– He responds with a very short email asking you to not make assumptions about his feelings, and nothing else
– You reply to him saying that you don’t understand, because he won’t see you or speak to you, and you ask him to explain himself and to give you a chance
– He doesn’t reply
If I’m reading this right, in the last few weeks you’ve sent him no less than three emails after he told you straight that he wanted space. In your emails, you have expressed anger at him for wanting to not see you right now, and you have expressed several times that you think he should have explained himself more.
Now, it’s not strange that you asked around about him when you got back to London, if you genuinely thought that your emails weren’t getting through for technical reasons (though I’m wondering about the timeline here, because he can’t have ignored you for that long if these things happened in the last few weeks). But if you already suspected that he did get your messages, it wasn’t great to try harder to get in touch with him.
Anyway, he finally responded, giving you a clear answer that he needed space from you and that he wanted you to stop chasing him. That’s the explanation you needed, because it completely explains why he wasn’t responding: he needed space and felt like your attempts to get in touch felt like being chased. People feel like that sometimes, right? You could have responded “OK, I’m sorry to hear that because I like being friends with you, but you know where to find me when you feel like hanging out again” and then not contacted him again at all. Instead, you sent him several angry, upset, pleading emails, asking him to justify himself to you, essentially responding to his request for less contact with you by asking him to be MORE in contact with you.
You tell us that you interpret his actions as being a punishment for you, and that you wish he’d say he’s sorry. This is a Nice Guy-ism, can you see that? It’s way more likely that he’s shutting himself off from you because he needs space, rather than shutting you off from accessing him because he wants to punish you. He has said that you’re making wrongful assumptions about his emotions and that he needs space from you. Why not believe him? I have no idea if you usually operate like a Nice Guy or not, but I am saying that you’re slipping into Nice Guy territory right now, and I’m assuming you don’t want to be that person.
You’re tempted to send him an email now, and you’re also considering sending him an email in a few weeks. Please don’t. Let the ball lie in his court, like he asked for. Again, I’m assuming that you DON’T want to be the person who keeps demanding contact from someone who doesn’t want to be in touch. This isn’t about whether you have a right to get an explanation from him, or whether he’s right or wrong about wanting space from you. You’re overriding his stated wishes.
If you want to be friends with this guy in the future, you HAVE to see that it’s not friendly to keep contacting him (and if you don’t want to be friends with him, you have no reason to contact him).
Suggestion for the future: decide that you will be a person who is unusually great at easily accepting other people’s “no”. You’ll be proud that even the shyest of people won’t be scared to tell YOU their true opinions, even if they hate disappointing others!
– I sent him two emails, not three. Both in response to emails of his.
– I called him to arrange to meet up so I could see him in the short time I had while I was in the country. So no I didn’t think there was a technical difficulty. I thought maybe he was away? I didn’t know what to think. It would have been pretty paranoid to assume that he was ignoring me, which you’re basically berating me for not doing.
– ‘it wasn’t great to try harder to get in touch with him’ – why on earth not? You’re passing judgement via hindsight. As far as I knew we were fine and I naturally thought it would be good to see each other while I’m here since we’re supposed to be close friends.
– I like how it went from ‘three’ emails (actually 2) to ‘several’ in your one post.
– ‘You’re tempted to send him an email now, and you’re also considering sending him an email in a few weeks’. No I’m not tempted to send him an email now. Someone suggested that maybe a friendly email saying I’m waiting once he’s ready might be a good idea. I wondered aloud whether I should or not and suggested maybe if I were going to do that, if it would help us in the long run, I should do it in a few weeks.
I don’t know why you’re so keen on presenting me as if I’m harassing him when all I’ve done is (1) try to get hold of my best friend to meet up in an entirely normal way. (2) Respond to two emails he sent me — the first took me completely by surprise and was a real shock. I think you’re being a bit odd if you think that I’m behaving so badly because I was upset and didn’t totally take it in my stride and be super-nice to a very hostile message. My first reply basically said ‘I understand. I am also hurt and upset’. The second one said ‘I wish you would give me an explanation so I can clear up any misunderstandings if there have been any.’ I didn’t DEMAND an explanation, like you’re assuming for some odd reason.
No I don’t see anything ‘Nice Guy’ about wanting to meet up with my best friend, then being upset and hurt when said best friend ignores me then sends me a couple of cold, hostile emails. What is pretty ‘nice guy’ in fact is being hurtful to someone because they refused to have sex with you. (I’m not sure what he wanted exactly beyond sex — I don’t think he knew himself.) But then he is presumably upset and sad so I need to be understanding. But then also apparently I shouldn’t try to understand because that’s presumptuous. As I said, I don’t see a problem with someone needing space. What I did feel very upset by his ignoring me and then letting me know in such a hostile way.
You seem to be suggesting I’m being a bit nasty and entitled because I was upset by that and replied expressing a wish to know what’s going on and try to sort things out and be friends again. I didn’t KEEP sending him emails. I didn’t call him. I didn’t text him. I sent him two emails in response to him. You seem to have twisted or at least exaggerated things in your head as to what I did and are now berating me for it. I don’t really see what I’ve done to warrant this.
This happened to me.
Very close dudefriend didn’t quite make a pass at me while I was already partnered, but he would say awkward/uncomfortable things about my partner (like “if you were my girlfriend I wouldn’t…” type of things, but less obvious) or about me and how he wanted a girl like me. He crossed the line finally, I don’t even remember what he did, but I called him on it. And he completely disappeared from my life. Granted I just just moved ~300 miles away, but we used to talk on the phone regularly and play MMOs together.
I was pretty shocked and sent him a few “uhh dude we can still be friends” messages, and we hung out a few more times, but now we haven’t talked in years and I don’t consider him a friend. it like the years we were close never even happened. In my interpretation, he wanted to erase the whole thing from his reality, because the thing I accused him of did not match his conception of himself. Make sense?
So now your dude is turning it into a thing where YOU are chasing HIM, like he is the one with good boundaries or whatever. Basically, you have competing realities now and you will never NEVER convince him that your reality is true. You live in different worlds. Let him live in his and stay in your reality. Don’t you fucking chase his reality. I realize this sounds harsh, but maybe you can think of it in terms of having some pride, and believing in yourself. He treated you like shit? He knows what he’s done. You can’t convince him that he’s being a dick and then he’ll come be your friend again. He’s gone and he wants you to be the villain, so he’s drawing you out. DON’T BE THE VILLAIN. Just separate and go on.
And honestly you don’t need people like that in your life.
Also, pardon me if my words are hard. I’ve had that same heartbreak and I really am just talking to my past-self in hopes the same words will help you.
No, don’t worry — like obviously it’s hard to hear what you’re saying but I know it comes from a really good place in order to help me and I really appreciate that. Thank you for sharing your experience. I mean I can’t help hoping things will work out eventually and we can get over this but I will — thanks to you — steel myself in case it doesn’t. Thank you.
“So now your dude is turning it into a thing where YOU are chasing HIM.”
Mm yeah I noticed that too, and it made me kind of annoyed on Kitling’s behalf. This dude sounds like he’s hurt and angry and embarrassed and he’s treating his friend crappy as a result. Hopefully things will settle down at some point but who knows with men and their dumbass egos and fragile toxic masculinity.
Merry Christmas yall! I’m hoping that mine does not involve an ER trip. I’ve started bleeding some, in the past few days? It hasn’t stopped, and has increased a little bit. While I would be very happy in the abstract for this extremely unwanted pregnancy to end in a miscarriage, I’m hoping that if that is what is starting to happen, it at least waits until after the holiday. A blood soaked dash to the ER is not conducive to keeping this a secret. Anyway, from everything I’ve read online there’s basically no way to tell if its “normal” pregnancy bleeding (WTF biology, I thought the only consolation to this was at least I didn’t have to have periods? Now I don’t even get that??) or miscarriage bleeding without an ultrasound. So I’ve decided to not to to the hospital unless I feel like I’m losing a dangerous amount of blood and at this point I am not.
Oh man. That’s a complicated situation. I hope that whatever happens makes your life simpler, rather than more difficult.
In an interesting plot twist, I’m actually reading Mallory’s “how to get enough to eat at holiday parties” seriously, because I’ve noticed that I’m eating about 800 calories less per day than I should be and maybe that’s why I’m exhausted after walking up the stairs? LOL biology again. Anyway, A++ great advice in there.
I truly don’t want to freak you out, so please feel free to ignore me, but depending on how early you are in your pregnancy, it might be worth ruling out an ectopic pregnancy, which can be dangerous. Something to consider, if you are in the first trimester and haven’t had an ultrasound yet.
Good luck to you either way.
Ok, so the bleeding has mostly stopped, but what yall say about pain freaks me out because the day before yesterday I had some medium bad cramps with the bleeding. I just stayed in bed until it went away and it eventually did. I am in the 1st trimester and have not had an ultrasound yet. Going to go read up on ectopic pregnancies bc I have only the fuzziest idea what they are.
EDIT: should not have read up on ectopic pregnancies. I have none of the risk factors for them (previous abdominal surgeries, smoking, STIs) but now I’m terrified that there’s a death-bomb waiting to kill me. I want to call my doctor, but a) they might be closed, it’s unclear from their website and b) it’s raining cats and dogs here, so there’s no way to get out of the house without raising suspicion, and any phone conversation i have in the house will be overheard by my parents, and I’m still trying to keep this a secret from them because they will be horrible about it.
Go to the ER with bleeding and screaming-out-loud cramps. Otherwise, just call your doctor on Monday. Best of luck to you.
I realize this is more or less useless, but do try not to worry. Stressing yourself out isn’t going to help anything.
Thinking of you. Keep us updated as you can.
It’s been half a dayish since you mentioned the potential ER and I wanted to check in and see if you’re doing okay? Is the bleeding getting worse or anything? I want you to be well and not in danger!
They will do nothing at the ER that would actually help, unless you’re dying.You are spot on about not going to the ER. I’ve had two horrible miscarriages and apparently I’m very much the outlier…most people have no medical issues at all with miscarriages up to 12-14 weeks or so, I just inherited my mom’s evil uterus.
My first miscarriage, the only thing they did was an ultrasound, no heartbeat, sent me home. Literally, said, just let it happen. The only thing you need to do is to go to the ER if you fill more than one pad an hour.
That said, that’s what happened to me, and by that point I was hemorhaging(sp) and had to call 911. Literally all they will do in the ER is cost you a lot of money, do another ultrasound, and tell you exactly what I said about the bleeding /1 pad per hour thing. They can’t do anything to stop it, or to make you feel better, and they usually won’t. If you are worried it’s ectopic, don’t be unless you have extreme shoulder tip pain, and then RUN to the ER. otherwise nobody needs to know, the ER will change nothing.
This was meant to reassure you. Hang in there, either way, it’s not a good way to spend a holiday, but it’s happened to me, and it sucks.
I’m with you on not going to the ER if all you have is bleeding, unless it is very heavy, but PLEASE go if you start to be in pain, because as another poster mentioned it is possible you have an ectopic pregnancy and the time from starting to be in pain to Bad Things is relatively short.
If you’re in pain, go to ER immediately, insist on being seen, and I hate to say this but tell them you have chest pain if no one is moving fast enough, because many doctors do not take women’s problems seriously but they DO take chest pain seriously.
Gonna get some legos!
Yay yay!
I am too picky so everyone has given up guessing what kind of legos I want and now they just let me tell them which is great.
Merry Christmas from VA,where we are so warm today we had the AC on briefly. My kids loved the gifts I got them, & my husband got me a hat like Georgia O’Keefe’s after I admired it in a picture we saw at the NGA. Excellent work on his part.
Last night we made our traditional feast of three lasagne, seafood salad, and Buche de Noel. I discovered that if I fed the guests enough on Christmas Eve, there would be leftover dessert for my afternoon snack on Christmas day.
Leftover desserts are a Christmas miracle.
Happy Christmas, friends! I wanted to hop on the thread to say that I got my wedding dress on Monday, and I am unreasonably excited. This dress is just the most perfect item I have ever put on my body. I feel so beautiful. I know that I am subject to the wedding-industrial complex as much as the next lady, and I like to think I’d be just as excited if it was just a very nice gown I was wearing to a Christmas party or something, but there’s probably some of the mythos about it that’s making me so happy. Regardless, it was a very good start to the week.
Anyone getting married soon (or recently) and have wedding things to discuss? I apologize if this has already appeared in the thread!
Congratulations!! Pics!!!!!!! (I am a sucker for people in their wedding dresses when they are happy – I hate it, but I am.) When is the event?
I got married on Tuesday – and we decided on Thursday to do it after putting it off for four years. So. Freaking. Magical. I have no words. Red velvet floor-length gown with a train I got for a different occasion and never wore, burgundy Converse, evergreen and red rose and holly berry crown. He went black suit, dark red shirt, red Converse. In a tiny open-air “chapel” south of Austin. No one but us and the officiant and the photographer just as afternoon because dusk. Solstice + wedding, with our own vows and an adaptation of the Seven Steps. So beautiful. Then we came home, ravaged each other like it was the end of the world, then went out for sushi and sake. And picked up some Krispy Kremes because we forgot about cake, had red velvet cake donuts with strong Welsh tea, then fell into bed. It was a miraculously gorgeous event.
We’re planning the public wedding for either Beltane or Midsummer, and we’ll draw from some of the stuff we did at our ceremony. We just really needed this for ourselves. We’re both deeply introverted and it meant a great deal to both of us. Too much to share with the world, even when that means our closest friends.
Can’t wait to hear more about what you’ve got planned! Good luck!
This is just gorgeous. Congratulations to you both!
Hi everyone, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it!
My family got together at my aunt’s house today. My 88 year old grandmother was acting oddly, and we thought she might be having a stroke (she’s had a minor one before).
It was stressful, and we tried to determine if she was okay or not, and then called an ambulance. As soon as we had called the ambulance, she seemed to act more like herself and was a little less confused. She went to the hospital, with my mom, aunt, and uncle following in their cars. She seemed back to normal, but we wanted to check everything out.
So half of the family was left at the house, and we had a Christmas dinner but didn’t open presents, because it didn’t feel right to do that without everyone there.
We got several updates from the people who had gone with her. Apparently she didn’t have a stroke. She fell and hit her head a few days ago, but forgot about it and didn’t tell anyone. She has a little internal bleeding, but she’s not in bad shape. We think she’ll be okay.
I’m sorry for this sad story, but I just wanted to share because I’m worried about her. She’s tough, and she’ll get through this.
I’m really grateful for the paramedics, nurses, doctors, hospital workers, etc., who work on Christmas. Their job is so important. I want to thank them.
A little internal bleeding! Thank goodness you all were around and could decide to take action! Hope your grandmother mends quickly and completely. May the other parts of your holiday be stress free, healthy, and happy!
Happy Day Toasties! Our bird is out of the oven and resting, the various starches are in the oven cooking, the children are playing with family-of-choice aunt & uncle, and we are totally wiped out but very cheerful. AND we got the most amazing giftset ever, a ton of different pens/markers and a selection of adult colouring books, so there is going to be MUCH colouring in our future. And perhaps penpals, because what is the use of 32 new gel pens without someone to write letters to?
Why on earth do I ever eat anything but cheese and baklava the rest of the year? Why must I eat ham when there is cheese and baklava in abundance?
I got some fantastic presents, but the surprise standout this year is Jellyfish print scarf. It’s is pretty and delightfully odd.
I collect interesting scarves. (I’m seldom cold enough to wear a coat. Just grab a scarf and gloves to complement my outfit.) And I am jealous as hell over your jellyfish print. Wear it in good health.
I thank for your wellwishes and your envy! It’s always a good hear of envy that one’s finery strikes in the hearts of others! Also hello fellow collector of interesting scarves, what are some of your favortes in your collection?
Thank you for asking! My favorites are changeable. Current favorite has a deep border of medium muted purple (my favorite color). The border is so deep that it adds up to half the total area of the scarf. The center ground is almost-ivory-but-with-a-subtle-gray-tone. The center is covered lightly in broken lines of pencil-lead-gray and dull terracotta. The lines suggest ancient cartography and I love that they aren’t specific, encouraging daydreams.
Another favorite is in shades of grass and lime green, with a subtle print. After you stare at the print for a minute, you realize it’s little VW Bugs. I used to have an old Bug. I loved that little car, so I love this scarf, which i bought from its creator.
I’ve had some really good damn ham this week tho.
Thanks to whomever suggested the Norwegian wood-chopping book as a Dad Gift. I found one for my Dad and he was paging through it almost immediately. I think he likes it! (I flipped through it before wrapping and was kind of interested too, ngl. It’s a beautiful book.)
We’ve had various friends and family staying over the last week, and it has been exhausting (I have severe ME/CFS) but very lovely. My best friend and my partner’s sister turned out to get on like a house on fire, and I spent part of that day resting in bed listening to them laughing together and beaming at the fabulous found family I have. (I am not in touch with my actual family, apart from vaguely with a couple of second cousins on Facebook.) Also it’s so nice to have friends and out-laws who don’t mind if I spend half the evening chatting and the other half crashed out in bed with an audiobook. My family always made me socialise and do stuff (such as cooking for everyone) till I dropped, and then some, and would guilt trip me to hell about needing to rest and refuse to let me sleep. Life is so much better now.
Remember that friend I talked about a couple of weeks ago whose husband is abusive? It’s been stressful and anxious, especially since she kept on not believing how much danger she was in, but she left him a couple of days ago! I am so proud of her. Hopefully it will all go OK, sorting out the financial stuff and finding a new place to live and just getting her head back together. It’s good that it’s before Christmas, it means she has some time off work. I reckon she’ll sleep for a week, she needs it. She’s been sending me cute photos of her brother-in-law’s very floofy cat, from where she’s staying.
Christmas was OK, we had my partner’s father round for dinner. He was mildly obnoxious, but I’m used to that, and I managed to hide in bed with the cat for half the time he was here. And at least he ate the food this time! I’m vegan and don’t drink, my partner is omni and drinks beer but not wine, and I suspected his dad would bring his usual present of some sort of heavy, and very obviously non-vegan, cake, plus a bottle of wine. Yep, plus this time he brought caviar too. Who brings caviar to a vegan?! It’s as if I don’t exist. Thank heavens for an understanding cat and the audiobooks of the Amelia Peabody novels. My partner firmly has my back on this, he thanked me for putting up with it all.
I made really awesome biscuits in between rests earlier. Wheat and sorghum flours, peanut butter, soya milk and ginger drink for the liquids, brown sugar, and then All The Things as extras: cranberries, pecans, chocolate chips (for anyone hunting for vegan ones that don’t involve child slave labour in the UK, order from Plamil), stem ginger, diced papaya. We have now eaten far too much, of course, and I am peacefully lying in bed indigesting and waiting for a sleeping tablet to kick in.
Oh, and I am having another try at that little wire harp a friend lent me, and the tuning isn’t being too scary this time, so I think I’m making progress at last.
That sounds lovely, despite the oblivious in-law. Merry Christmas.
My dad bought me a toolbox (and lots of tools to go in it) and my mom and I made Christmas dinner and it was DAMN GOOD and my boyfriend is bringing me to NYC (I live in Ireland) and we had a proper party with singing and traditional music and lots and lots of gin and it was wonderful.
Great dad gift! Hooray for tool empowerment – now you can fix it, whatever it is!
Movie recommendations?
I recently watched Beyond the Lights and Filly Brown. Does anyone else have a favorite movie about a female performer? Center Stage isn’t quite on the mark after those two.
It doesn’t help that Gina Rodriguez and Gugu Mbatha-Raw are both irresistible screen angels — angels that definitely carry swords though.
I’M SO STUCK IN DRAGON AGE: INQUISITION AND I’M VERY MAD ABOUT IT, can anyone help me? [more inside]
I’m doing the Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts quest and I cannot get out of the fucking servants’ quarters in time. I am STUCK. It doesn’t help that I’m Lavellan so I only have like 25 court reputation when I go in. Any ideas?
Try wandering around the court picking up some reputation by collecting secrets and talking to Gaspard’s random relatives, that will help some. Also collect the stupid halla wherever you find them, they will come in handy later.
You can go in and out of the timed places sometimes so that you can do your runthrough in pieces. That helped me in exploring everywhere I needed to and also getting back before any penalty – it also helps to plot the route so you can get faster each time. Same goes with the library areas and rooms above the garden.
Good luck!
I just asked my boyfriend to offer advice, but he hasn’t reached that point in the game yet. (“What is the point of you?!”) Good luck with getting past this bit!
Happy Christmas-Solstice-Winter-Festivities, Toasties!
We spent Christmas Eve being slowly tortured by the awkwardness that is my parents, and are making up for it with a delightfully lazy Christmas Day with dear friends, cookies, and homemade soup. *contented sigh*
HELLO TOASTIES. My mom loved her Downton DVDs and book, my dad seemed really thrilled about his credit card wallet ninja thingy, and my sister went NUTS over the infused sugars I made her. Seeing how genuinely excited she was really made me happy, because we aren’t super-close and it was really nice to have A Moment.
On my mind, NEW KINDLE FIRE I AM SO EXCITE also outdoor-ed-ready snowboots. I am very happy, and very happily combing Amazon for hidden treasures to spend my gift card on.
Talk to me about magical realism, Toasties! I am a devoted lover of Alice Hoffman, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Sarah Addison Allen, etc. BUT I NEED MOAR and it’s a quirky genre–some people classify books as magical realism that I’d consider pure fantasy, and while I do like fantasy, I really love books that have just a touch of magic to them–enough that it takes very little to see that kind of magic in your own Real Life, you know?
Banana Yoshimoto is my favorite author for magical realism and a lot of her work is available in translation–start with “Kitchen” or “Asleep” and see how you like them, maybe?
Thanks for the suggestion! Banana Yoshimoto is an awesome name. 😀
I liked Nicholas Christopher “A Trip to the Stars”, which I think lands within your parameters.
The summary on Amazon does sound really intriguing. Thanks for the rec!
I dunno if magical realism is a thing… like writer’s block or unicorns, I’m suspicious, but THE PEOPLE OF PAPER by Salvador Plascencia is for you (only available on paper though), I promise.
Carlos Ruiz Zafon is great.
Thanks to all of you for these tips, and to aurorabirdialis for asking the question. This was just the list I didn’t know I needed.
It’s true. Once you’ve found that delicate balance between fantasy and literary fiction, it’s a wonderful, wonderful place that you never want to leave.
Chiming in late, but if you’re interested in short stories, I really like Kelly Link.
Merry Christmas Toast! I hope I’m not too late to share in the open thread joy. I have had a nice Antipodean Christmas. THIS IS WHAT I ATE:
Christmas Eve: Prosecco and hors d’oeuvres, followed by turkey and trimmings and red wine, followed by Christmas pudding with custard, ice cream, and brandy butter.
Christmas Day: (Mildly hungover) breakfast of ham and eggs with onion marmalade, then bread with lemon curd and cherries. Orange juice and coffee.
Pre-lunch snacks of oysters and more Prosecco. (Hair of the dog.)
Seafood lunch (prawns, salmon, lobster tail)
Trifle and sherry.
I do not anticipate needing to eat for the next week or so.
It was a good Christmas overall! The only bad thing that happened was that my boyfriend’s mother (who is generally lovely but occasionally weirdly possessive) gave him a nice watch for Christmas. Which would be fine except that for his last birthday, I GAVE HIM A NICE WATCH. He already has a nice watch! And she knows this! I felt hurt by what I saw as a deliberate move to undermine me, and upset that my boyfriend did not even gently point out my side of things to her. And what with the tiredness and the overeating and the heat in this part of the world, it kind of spiralled into a Thing between us last night, and I cried, and did not sleep well, and still feel a bit crap about it. I come from a small family and am not used to Big Family Christmas Dramas, so am having a bit of a hard time brushing it off.
Anyway! I got some very nice presents and ate a lot of delicious food and enjoyed hanging out with my own (drama-free) family members, and am now off to the movies to see Suffragette and try and cheer up.
I hope you all had a delightful day, whatever you celebrate!
Merry Post Christmas Everyone! I’m so glad it’s the 26th! Christmas always fills me with this odd longing and dread and exhaustion, and this year was extra rough because I moved in with my partner in October which meant giving up lots of income and becoming unemployed and pretty much scary broke this month, and then his parents came to visit for the 24th through tomorrow and they’re my very new pre-in-laws or whatever you call them, in that I’ve met them only 3x before for durations of about 3 hours at a time or less. And my dude had work so he’s been around only half the time they’re here, and our house still lacks some basics so I was kind of a mess of wanting to be a good host and be a good girlfriend and not knowing what to do with these adult guests I don’t know and needing to figure out food and presents and having no money and he’s tired and I’m tired and the apartment was just grimy and eesh and to top it off they’re really nice and I was completely filled with fear of them giving us some really kind thoughtful gift for the house that I just would hate and the whole toxic stew of emotions that would come with this (his mom was sending him lots of photos of replacement kitchen tables and I was really getting upset thinking about getting some non returnable beautiful antique table that won’t work in our space and yet we can’t get rid of because of the thought and how frustrated that kind of thing makes me feel)
Which gets to the root of the things I don’t like about Christmas- I hate getting gifts and I hate anticipating how much I hate getting gifts because I’m impossibly picky, and i don’t like lots of stuff but also even if i make a list somehow I get things that aren’t on that list or something that is like something on the list but not of the quality of the thing that I want, and it always bums me out to get stuff I don’t want that I have to act grateful for and I know I’m not being grateful enough for but I only want exactly the thing I want because I hate having stuff that doesn’t make me really happy, and I know the other person spent time on this thing I don’t want at all. And then I’m sad because I’m hard to shop for. My boyfriend who is usually really good at gifts gave me all things I don’t like that he actually likes and and that made me sad because the things I wanted were on the list he saw and then he did something really sweet and sentimental that I’m trying to appreciate. And meanwhile I”m good at getting people presents, so then I dunno, I feel like some kind of impossible mystery person? So, anyway Christmas always makes me feel so rough and emotional. I wish people would only buy me cheese and wine and give me cash.
And while I was sorting through that he went to work and I was alone with his parents for about 8 hours, and I was just so tired. Christmas to me feels like the hardest emotional labor of the whole year. I’m really glad its done, its the worst holiday on the actual day.
Follow up, it’s the 26th and I feel alive again! Everyone has cleared out, i’m about to eat some chocolate and take a bath and watch tv alone, and I’m coming around to appreciate some of the gifts I was bummed about yesterday, at least with a sense of humor again and my dude was able to hang with his parents for the afternoon today so that took so much pressure off me. The end, Christmas survived.
Woo! I am here for celebrating Xmas being over. I have a toooon of anxiety around getting presents and the stress this year around everything else has been sky high. I won’t feel great again until I get back to my home on Monday but then I’ll have a full week to soak in the quiet.
Receiving presents is the woooooooorst!
1. Would anyone like to join my HYSTERICAL, GIRLISH SHRIEKING over the dreaminess that is Oscar Isaac aka POE – MOTHER EFFIN’ – DAMERON?!?!?!
2. Would anyone like to continue Mallory’s twitter argument about whether or not Kylo Ren is sexy? Like, I’d find it offensive if we were picking apart a woman’s sex appeal in this way, but Adam Driver is a jolie laide ENIGMA and this deserves further scrutiny.
(FWIW: I am team Kylo is weirdly appealing.)
3. My dream for the coming year: a Star War that is just Poe and Kylo lookin’ good and havin’ lightsaber fights.
Kylo Ren is weirdly appealing only *with* the helmet. Helmet off, it’s just too jarring/I start needing to make cracks about emo teenagers, and so I just can’t.
I missed the Twitter discussion but he took off his helmet and I was all … damn son. So, movie personality or not he’s clearly my Type.
Oscar Isaac is seriously ridiculously swoon-worthy. Even in Inside Llewyn Davis, where he played the biggest asshole ever (but the music was so good! I can forgive way too much assholery from a man with a guitar). And as Poe? Oh man. So yes, I am definitely joining your hysterical girlish shrieking.
Oh, Llewyn Davis is where I got completely taken in by Oscar, which is bananas because he is THE ACTUAL WORST in that movie. I didn’t even think I was into beards, but after that dumb film APPARENTLY I WAS.
Right?! He was so awful, and yet so absurdly attractive. (And the beard!) I felt the same about Ex Machina. I was so happy at how it ended, and he was clearly terrible, and yet…
Plus, the dance scene exists, which makes the entire world a better place.
NO he is DEFINITELY NOT, he is a horrible teen, I definitely dated like three of that dude in high school and I am done with him. (Apparently Adam Driver is my age, 30ish? And apparently some source claims Kylo Ren is thus also supposed to be 30ish? But that is clearly absurd, he is an 11th-grader who claims to be a warlock, just look at him.)
If you haven’t seen Emo Kylo Ren, I feel like you need it in your life. https://twitter.com/kylor3n
emo kylo ren’s tweets with hot topic, and hot topic’s responses, have made my week. So good. Apparently brands can sometimes be funny.
*creeps in several days late*
Kylo Ren is not sexy, primarily because I discovered this Christmas that my 17 year old cousin is dating his exact doppleganger and they are being disgustingly, publically teenagely-lovey with each other and it is HILARIOUSLY GROSS so I take Kylo even less seriously than I did a week ago.
Uh so my dad freaked the fuck out at me last night after I made a comment about how I just want to have an early night and not have another drink. He started yelling at me about how I was being so rude all day (?), and how I’d “better” be in a good mood tomorrow (??), and how he can’t believe I talk to him like this (???). So husband and I are cutting this visit short because no way am I hanging around for five more days waiting to see if this happens again. Obviously he has some weird pent-up anger at me (????) or something that he chose to get tipsy and let loose with? I have no idea. ETA: I can’t really remember if anything like this has ever happened before but if it has it was maybe when I was in high school?
I also, for the record, don’t understand why “no thanks, I’m just having water tonight” is so upsetting to people that they have to interrogate you about it. I’m not pregnant, sick, already drunk (?????), or hungover. I just have had an excess of drink and food in the past 24 hours and need some damn water. Jesus.
uh, ??????!!! the hell!!! that’s totally off the deep end. Go home and actually enjoy your time together, life is too short to put up with that kind of treatment. Geesh, sometimes you’re just thirsty!
Thanks! We will be heading home on Monday instead of Wednesday because we really do have a lot of plans with people we don’t get to see much. Plus my mom feels just awful. I’m hoping it was just stress plus me not living up to his expectations plus booze and not a sign of impending dementia, which is what I wish had never occurred to me.
Ugh. I didn’t want to mention the D word, but…I really hope it’s not that, either. Good luck and safe (if early) travels.
Thanks…. We will keep an eye out for now. There’s some family history there but not sure really because my dad’s dad was a BIG boozer back in the day and I’m not sure how that impacts later in life mental function. This holiday has been stressful for everyone as my mom is really incapacitated waiting for her hip surgery, and my adopted sister dealing with family drama with her family of origin, so I just don’t even know. I just wanna go home.
Whoa, scary. Is your mom OK? Is this something she’s getting directed at her, too?
My mom was as baffled as me. Talking it over with spouse and sister, we realized he had already spent the night arguing about Obama and the election with my cousin, so I think he was a little drunk and spoiling for a fight. We will keep an eye on potential dementia symptoms but this seems like a one off right now. Lord knows when I was on the progesterone-only pill, I had some outbursts that probably looked similarly unhinged, and with my mum needing a lot of help until her hip gets replaced plus all the stress of the holiday cooking/cleaning/traveling, I think we can all move on and try to have a peaceful time until we can leave.
I definitely have had similar hangry/anxiety outbursts, so no judgment there. Just wanted to be sure that your mom will be OK when the holidays are over and it’s just them and she’s recovering from her surgery.
My sisters and I are already planning a rotation so it won’t just be the two of them, and thankfully we are all in a place in our lives where we can get away for a couple days at a time. I’m nervous about the recovery because she absolutely will not like being cooped up and off her feet and she can be pretty stubborn 🙂
Oh also an update — I got as much of a notpology-rich apology as I think I’m likely to get from someone like him so I’m just moving on for now but still cutting the trip short. Especially since our cat sitter is now having family drama good lord this fucking year.
Okay happy holidays and everything
BUT
When are we going to talk about MAKING A MURDERER?
the library is dead and I am so sleepy. Got in last night at 12:30 and all I want to do is watch boxing day soccer!
That’s all I’ve done all day! Which was great, until the Arsenal game, which is the one I care most about, but which is going terribly and ruining my life a little bit.
So the college boy got home from school on Christmas eve, it’s been lovely, but today he and all the kids go to their dad’s and it’s like I get to be pretend house and then their dad gets them for a whole week plus.
I told my daughter three days ago when she asked that I would drive her anywhere she wanted, but I was not giving her money to buy her dad a present, I just couldn’t. I said, your brother gets an allowance from dad, borrow it from him, but I’m not giving him a dime. I feel evil but, just, NO. (he gives both boys allowances, but as usual, not her, never her, no matter how big she gets he doesn’t see her)
Since my ex threw me a bone (he’s all about appearances and wanted to appear munificent) in paying me some of what he owed me, we had a good christmas in terms of presents and I paid two big medical bills and bought health insurance with it. But I was nearly sick Thursday morning when I saw how much $$ I “blew through”. This is mental—my definition of “blowing through money” included actually buying more baking supplies than I needed so that I can have supplies in the pantry when I’m done making cookies, getting every kid one ‘big’ present, one coloring book and one musical supply (metronome, mouthpiece, mute), and filling the stockings with $4 fancy candy bars (one each), and actually buying food. It’s just hard for me to do when I’m used to be being broke. I had thought I’d save some of the unexpected ex money and I’m mad at myself for not, but if my mom says it’s just silly to feel that way, I’ll try to listen to her. It’s shock, I guess! besides, what would I save it for? paying more bills? I just did. My mind needs to shut up.
I don’t want my kids to go, especially the college boy and his girlfriend, they just got here! But at dad’s they have more than a single bed to sleep in, and they have guilt heaped on them when they aren’t there. I am trying to make plans for the week to come but I have a feeling I”m not going to make it to tonight’s swing dance.
Last night the little was puking in my bedroom, so while I feel sorry for her, I’m a little gleeful that it will be my ex’s problem. She will not notice that she’s ignored or left out, unfortunately, because she’s last on the 7 kid roster over there and she’s accepted it as normal. I hate that.
I am having a hard time with SAD. it’s 10 am, I’ve been up 3 hours (which is mega sleeping in for me), I’ve sat by my light for 1/2 an hour already, and my body still hurts everywhere, I just want to go back to bed, and nobody else is awake. I’m not depressed, but I could sleep for a week.
Today the nice weather is supposed to break, and sick kid and I were going to clean the garage (the bunny side of it, anyway), and move the last two outside hutches into it. The coyotes were pretty loud last night so between them and the cold weather we should get soon it’s more than time to do so. I have a feeling I ought to get started moving things without her. Maybe being outside will get my body to wake up.
Edited to add good things:
My kids accidentally bought each other the same Ghibli shirt. My boys at 15 and 19 were excited over legos. Middle boy for fun took apart an old rollerblade and built a “rolly box” to push the cat around in. And every house cooks polymer clay jewelry Christmas morning, before the breakfast casserole, right?
I totally know what you mean about how you mentally categorize as wasteful what is, in reality, perfectly frugal spending (eg, stocking up for later). Sounds like your holidays are going as well as can be expected. Hopefully you get the buns in before those coyotes notice them!
It sounds like you gave your kids a really good Christmas! And I’m glad you got health insurance.
Toastfriends! Mr Rose gave me gift I have to brag about here because I know y’all will appreciate it:
A framed Rosie the Riveter poster!
I love everything Rosie stands for, including her obvious attitude and her place in feminist history. Apparently Mr Rose drove the frame shop crazy fussing over finding the exactly correct shade of red for the mat. Now I’m going to drive him crazy until he hangs it on a wall for me.
Perfect gift! I used to have a mug with her on it that cost 10 cents at a thrift store because it was so faded, but that somehow made it even better. Hang that poster somewhere so you’ll see it when you need emotional refueling. Rat a tat tat.
When I left Darth Vader ex and moved into a new apartment of my very own, the first gift I was given was a giant Rosie the Riveter poster. She’s been living on the wall across from my bed ever since, and I’ll tell you, there were mornings I really needed ‘We can do it!’ to be the first thing I saw when I woke up.
OH MAN I forgot about Laura Esquivel. I LOVED Like Water For Chocolate. Good recommendation!
I do like fantasy! Some fantasy is harder than others for me to get into, but I do enjoy it.