If John Boyega Were Your Boyfriend

by Garen Abel Unokan · April 25, 2016

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you would realise it was getting serious when, with a studied casualness, he asked you what kind of music you wanted to put on in the car.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, there would be no room for fear on the dance floor. Even when you stumbled or didn’t quite know where to put your limbs, John would be right there with you, his enthusiasm and grace infectious.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, your mother would love him to the point of always pinching his cheeks when the two of you come to visit. “Oh my God!” you’d hiss, mortified. John would find it hilarious and kind of sweet, and give your mom a hug every time.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, small children would naturally gravitate toward him like moths to a flame. You’d go to powder your nose whilst on a date, and come back to find him using a spoon as a blaster before an audience of enthralled children. “Sorry,’” he’d say with a smile. “I know you wanted a romantic night out.”

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you’d fall into the peculiarly South London habit of referring to the owners of chicken and chip shops as “Boss” (even “Bossman,” if you’re angling really hard for some free onion rings).

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, your film collection would expand and the two two of you would set up a home cinema to fully appreciate your favourite movies. His commentary would always be on point.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you would have a “Sunday Best” section of your wardrobe, which you would actually wear to Sunday dinner.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you’d become a morning person. It wouldn’t be sudden, nor would it be obnoxious; you would just slowly come round to it and then you’d know the satisfaction of tackling most of your to-do list before lunch. Besides, that first sip of coffee is always better when you get to watch him watching the sunset.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, the photo that broke the news of your relationship would be from Comic-Con, the one year when he finally persuaded you it would be fun to turn up in cosplay. You’d go as Gwendolyn and The Will, employing a stuffed animal as Lying Cat and the occasional over-excited child as Sophie. You’d both look amazing — the collective muscles and bone structures do most of the heavy lifting, but the McQueen definitely helps.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you would occasionally get home to find him and Oscar Isaac jamming out in the living room, John beatboxing and Oscar strumming along on his guitar faster. Later, when the two of you are alone, John would sing a little song just for you, but only after you swear on your life not to laugh. (He’s shy about his singing voice.)

john boyega 1

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, every inanimate object in your life would have a name. “Don’t be so rough with Steve,” he’d mumble as you prodded your printer. “I’m sorry?” you would say. “Steve,” he’d stress, fixing the printer effortlessly, “gets stressed out when you just poke about like that.”

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, he would cook you jollof rice in bulk, carefully storing the extra away in plastic containers. “Babe, are we preparing for the apocalypse?” you ask, laughing. He’d shake his head: “When the zombie apocalypse rolls around, I’m going to remind you of this moment. We’ll see who’s laughing then!” The rice would be delicious, hovering somewhere just beneath his mum’s but well above Restaurant 805 on your list. Not that the food at 805 isn’t delicious, but nothing could possibly beat the sight of John at the stove in his dressing gown and socks, testing stew for the rice with the concentration and precision of an astrophysicist.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, he would tease you endlessly for being a vegetarian who can’t cook, but would still avoid putting meat in everything he cooked so that you could eat it, too.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, your apartment would slowly fill up with movie and comic book memorabilia. Not in a “Big Bang Theory” kind of way — John would never do that to you — but every so often, something like a signed Kevin Wada print or the perfect silver ankh necklace would materialise at your place, looking for all the world like it had been there forever. When you asked him about it, he’d grin, shrug, and say: “I used the Force.”

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, the two of you would develop a language composed entirely of facial expressions. A slow blink at the same time would translate to “We have to go home right now.” You’d never stay at parties longer than you had to.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you would open up your phone to find snippets from him, things he thought were cool but didn’t want to put on Instagram for all the world to see. He’s actually a really good photographer — sometimes the light or angle of a photo would be just as cool as the subject. Your favourite would be the picture of a parakeet perched on his finger with the caption: this bird is beautiful and completely unafraid of anything. reminded me of you.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, he would develop a habit of playing with your hair that would be equal parts maddening and adorable. One night, while both of you were engrossed in The Fifth Element, he would start massaging your scalp. When you turned to look at him, he’d be smiling a little sheepishly with a small bottle of oil leaning against his leg. You raise an eyebrow and he’d give your scalp another squeeze, saying, “It’s the Boyega Mix. Just trust me.” Soon you’d realize your hair was better than ever before and the Boyega Mix would become a weekly ritual.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, meeting his Star Wars colleagues would feel nearly as important as meeting his parents. “So you’re the one who persuaded John to watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes?” Daisy Ridley would say as she gave you a firm hug. “I’m so happy you’re finally showing him decent musicals and like, culture.” She and John would bicker as friends do, but never make you feel like a third wheel. You’d be cool as a cucumber all day — even when Lupita N’yongo floated over to give you another hug — even when Carrie Fisher grasped your hand and told you “don’t let this one go” — but when you finally met Harrison Ford, you’d finally be a little nervous. Ford would squint at you, then say to John, “You finally found someone to put up with you, huh?” He’d be a little gruff and he definitely wouldn’t smile, but John’s shoulders would relax infinitesimally, and there’d be the palpable sense of a test having been passed.

If John Boyega were your boyfriend, he would insist on trying to persuade you of London’s charms. “It’s overrated,” you’d tell him. “Londoners are mean! And it’s so dirty! How can I blow my nose and have it be grey just because of the Tube?” He’d make a face, like you’d committed a cardinal sin by saying so, and top up your Oyster cards. He wouldn’t let you get swallowed up by the tourist traps, but would instead take you to his favourite bookstore, the pub where the landlord knows his name, the roasted peanut spot he likes to hit up on a cold day, the weird little perfume store down a road you’re sure didn’t exist ten minutes ago. The two of you would spend the day traipsing through all of his favourite haunts in Peckham, his eyes soft as he told you about his childhood, and you’d take his hand and think that perhaps a city capable of producing someone like John Boyega is worth a second look.

Garen Abel Unokan is an actress and writer with an uncanny knack for sensing when strangers are secretly racing her.


86 Comments

  1. CleverManka +111

    If John Boyega were your boyfriend, you would occasionally get home to find him and Oscar Isaac jamming out in the living room, John beatboxing and Oscar strumming along on his guitar faster. Later, when the two of you are alone, John would sing a little song just for you, but only after you swear on your life not to laugh. (He’s shy about his singing voice.)

    That one did not end where I expected hoped.

    3. Notcaycepollard +5

      That was the point at which I bit my lip because I am AT WORK, holy fuck.

      I mean, AO3 exists for a reason.

    4. dorianneemmerton +4

      One of the first things I did after seeing the movie was request Poe-Finn-Rey fanfic from the internet. The internet, as usual, did not disappoint.

  2. tabbylavalamp +134

    If John Boyega were your boyfriend, he’d put his Force Awakens jacket around your shoulders, stand back and take it in, then tell you, yup, it suits you even better than it suits him.

  4. tabbylavalamp +77

    If John Boyega were your boyfriend, Daisy Ridley would soon become your best friend. The three of you would spend fantastic weekends finding out of the way little shops, and neither would be jealous of time spent alone having little adventures with the other.

  5. catweazlol +61

    If John Boyega were my boyfriend, watching him work out in our home gym while I sit on a bean bag chair eating Doritos would be a daily event.

        1. citizenchristy +5

          They’re on preorder at my local comic shops right now. THEY TALK. wantwantwant

    2. ipomoea +9

      Being great enough to achieve good Saga cosplay is my highest goal in life, and OF COURSE he would do it perfectly.

  7. ppyajunebug +115

    You’d never stay at parties longer than you had to.

    THIS IS THE TRUEST DREAM OF MY HEART

    1. ToastiewithCheese +12

      There’s usually at least one line in these where I just start nodding at my screen, and for this one that was it.

  9. RudyRed +35

    If John Boyega were your boyfriend, the photo that broke the news of your relationship would be from Comic-Con, the one year when he finally persuaded you it would be fun to turn up in cosplay. You’d go as Gwendolyn and The Will, employing a stuffed animal as Lying Cat and the occasional over-excited child as Sophie. You’d both look amazing — the collective muscles and bone structures do most of the heavy lifting, but the McQueen definitely helps.

    Twist: I’m The Will and he’s Gwendolyn.

  10. giefu +20

    Please. Please. Please. Make this a series. Do all of the new friends. Team Jacket and the Evil Trio. THIS WAS MAGNIFICENT. I AM NOT TOO PROUD TO BEG.

    1. vlad +1

      I don’t mind saying that much of my Toast perusal lately has been me waiting for exactly this to happen.

  12. pisyobcd +53

    If John Boyega were your boyfriend, his pet cat Logan would somehow always want to curl up with you more than him and he’d (cheerfully) gripe about it on Snapchat all the time.

    1. Household_Opera +15

      If John Boyega were your boyfriend, your Instagram feeds would turn into a contest to see who could take the better cat pictures.

  13. ramina +22

    I don’t think I have any words beyond THIS IS A GOOD, I LIKE THIS, so thank you for brightening my daydreams this Monday.

  16. backupandround +13

    I have not seen TFA. I do not really intend to. But I am really into this whole post.

    1. Ivans_Sister +16

      I saw it maybe a week ago when my husband got the DVD shipped to him. He conned me into finally watching it. It was fine. Mostly I was just enjoying how gorgeous everyone is.

  17. Ivans_Sister +24

    Which am I more excited by? The home cinema, or the fact that Oscar Isaac (and John Boyega) would be in my house?

    I MEAN.

  18. bighairnoheart +23

    I needed this. I so needed this today. Good god I needed this beautiful dream on this Monday from hell. I am lego batman and this is my lobster thermidor.

      2. Unreadaethel +7

        I love this! It really gets at the heart of why I try to limit my exposure to behind-the-scenes interviews, talk shows, etc. The more interviews with an actor I see, the more likely they are to turn into a Real Person, rather than a carefully-curated Internet Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Since I still need enough of, say, Mark Ruffalo’s adorable love of Science Bro-dom, I rely on the recommendations of the rest of the internet, which will give me exactly enough information about the internet’s current flame.

        1. kjschapira +5

          Agreed! It’s really smart in the way it talks about exercising control over how we are moved by what (or who) moves us–and how for women (maybe especially dude-liking women in particular) this is a rare and valuable and even thrilling experience.

          1. Unreadaethel +10

            Also, Internet Boyfriends will never let you down, whereas real people sometimes say disappointing things in interviews (I’m looking at you, Martin Freeman).

  20. chaarulatha +38

    If John Boyega were your boyfriend, your mother would love him to the point of always pinching his cheeks when the two of you come to visit. “Oh my God!” you’d hiss, mortified. John would find it hilarious and kind of sweet, and give your mom a hug every time.

    *swoooons* Guys who are good with moms are the best.

    (i know these aren’t technically “factual” and “without primary sources” but this is real and John Boyega is definitely a 100% amazing with mothers.)

    1. dakimel +5

      Any random person who happens by and says, “want me to go top that up for you?” I would hand it off so quick. Not that I’m in London often, but when I am, I am guaranteed to be annoyed by Oyster card top up logistics.

  23. kjschapira +96

    STOP HELP I AM 37 YEARS OLD & BITTER I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE MAN

  24. janeshakes +16

    “It’s overrated,” you’d tell him. “Londoners are mean! And it’s so dirty! How can I blow my nose and have it be grey just because of the Tube?” He’d make a face, like you’d committed a cardinal sin by saying so

    As a fellow South Londoner, this face is truth.

    1. geekcrackteam +2

      Plus living in south London means you don’t have to brave the cesspit of the tube at rush hour very often. We have trains, and buses, and all of the worldly sights that come with them (so. Many. Parks. And peoples back gardens to oogle)

  25. Hoolia +24

    Okay but how could anyone think London is overrated? London is rated exactly right. New York is overrated.

  27. jenavira +11

    <33333333333333333333333333333333

    (I feel like I’ve posted this in response to an “If X Was Your Boyfriend” before, but honestly it’s my reaction every time.)

  29. anonymous +10

    Oh wow, I’m sorry, but this just put the idea of being friends with Daisy Ridley in my head and now I’m going to be off on that particular cloud all day long

  30. dashitall +33

    This is it. This is the one I have been waiting for since I first saw The Force Awakens in theaters and whispered “Finn is bae” when John Boyega’s beautiful eager face popped up onscreen.

    *hearteyes*

  31. Household_Opera +13

    OH MY HEART. Why can’t I be wandering around London with John Boyega right now?

  34. mkpatter +12

    I love John Boyega but enough to become a morning person??? Even my dog isn’t a morning person, that is how much of not a morning person I am.

  35. TheRenleigh +7

    I am not a big Star Wars fan, though I did enjoy TFA, but I want this so much. John Boyega just seems like the biggest sweetheart alive, one who wouldn’t even mind that my favorite part of the Star Wars universe is the Star Tours ride at Disney World.

  38. cvasilevski +11

    “She and John would bicker as friends do, but never make you feel like a third wheel. You’d be cool as a cucumber all day — even when Lupita N’yongo floated over to give you another hug — even when Carrie Fisher grasped your hand and told you “don’t let this one go” — but when you finally met Harrison Ford, you’d finally be a little nervous. Ford would squint at you, then say to John, “You finally found someone to put up with you, huh?” He’d be a little gruff and he definitely wouldn’t smile, but John’s shoulders would relax infinitesimally, and there’d be the palpable sense of a test having been passed.”

    I’m happily married, but I never knew how much I wanted something like this. **dies**

  39. sweatahweathah +3

    OK, but what if John Boyega, Daniel Henney, and I were in a triad?!

    In all seriousness, I am so glad I waited until tonight to get caught up on today’s Toast bc now I can float off intro dreamland with this exact outline of Saga cosplay (!!! I know other people freaked out up thread but !!!!) and Sunday best (gah, he is SO well dressed it’s insane) and children charming (I don’t even like kids all that much these days, but SWOON), and my brain better not waist this perfection.

  41. geekcrackteam +5

    If john boyega were your boyfriend your first date would definitely be to peckham and would for sure end in a boogie in the pool hall that’s also a club that stays open until all hours and then you’d get chicken cottage together before he got you a minicab home.

    John boyega would not bring you to Franks on your first date because he is better than hipster clichés. He would bring you to street feast and show you all the best things to eat.

  42. selma

    If john boyega were your boyfriend your first date would definitely be to peckham and would for sure end in a boogie in the pool hall that's also a club that stays open until all hours and then you'd get chicken cottage together before he got you a minicab home.

    John boyega would not bring you to Franks on your first date because he is better than hipster clichés. He would bring you to street feast and show you all the best things to eat.

  43. Olivia

    CANAVANS!

    Also, Franks is literally a car park that serves drinks. I do not understand the appeal.

  47. headonist

    One of the first things I did after seeing the movie was request Poe-Finn-Rey fanfic from the internet. The internet, as usual, did not disappoint.