We made it to the end of the week, Toasties! Time to have all the chats. What are you reading? What are you watching? Are you doing anything especially fun this weekend? (I’m going to the fun hipster farm wedding of my children’s former babysitter and I don’t know what to wear.) Open thread GO!
Hi Toasties!
You may recall that a few weeks ago I mentioned the annual auction to support Con or Bust, which increases diversity in science fiction & fantasy fandom by helping fans of color/non-white fans go to SFF conventions. Thank you very much to everyone who offered things to be auctioned!
Bidding is now live on the auction and ends next Sunday, June 5. There’s tons of cool stuff on offer–books, so many books, of course, including ones that aren’t available for sale yet, but also: name a character in an upcoming book by Naomi Novik, Courtney Milan, John Scalzi, Aliette de Bodard, or Rachel Manija Brown & Sherwood Smith! Get jewelry, clothes, or a giant batch of custom chocolate! Have really smart people give you critiques or advice on writing and publishing!
Bidding is done by commenting on the relevant post on the website; here’s more information on bidding and how to find stuff.
Finally–if YOU are a fan of color/non-white fan, and want help going to a SFF convention, now is the time to request assistance! (Through June 6, which is a one-time change from the usual schedule because of incorporation-related delays.)
Thanks, and let me know if you have any questions, either here or at [email protected] !
Yay! I’m offering an amulet poem to pull something toward you, push something away from you, or accomplish a task! Please bid on this or something else and help out a fellow nerd!
http://con-or-bust.org/2016/05/amulet/
Ok, Toasties! Something that has been bothering me for a while, but I finally had the time to do a little extra research and collect my thoughts.
I- like probably 2/3rds of American kids had to watch “The Miracle Worker” in school and learned an extremely superficial version of the story of Helen Keller. It is only lately that I realize how totally without context it is presented, and in a way that does absolutely no justice to either Anne Sullivan or Helen Keller.
First off, pretty much nothing ever mentioned that Anne herself was almost completely blind due to childhood illness. She wasn’t just “a teacher sent from the Perkins School for the Blind,” she had been a student there! I know this was mentioned in the movie, but it was kind of glossed over.
And she wasn’t just Helen’s teacher- they were lifelong friends. She attended classes with Helen throughout her higher education. They lived together even after Anne married, and Helen held her hand as she died. That gave me a totally new perspective on their relationship.
And Helen! Oh my god, Helen! Who in 1909 joined the Socialist party! Who remained steadfast to her views despite living through both Red Scares. She also wrote what could literally be the mantra for intersectionality: “I had once believed that we were all masters of our fate- that we could mold our lives into any form we pleased….I had overcome deafness and blindness sufficiently to be happy, and I supposed that anyone could come out victorious if he threw himself valiently into Life’s struggle. But as I went more and more about this country I learned that I had spoken with assurance on a subject I knew little about….I learned that the power to rise in the world is not witin the reach of everyone.” She was adamant in her belief that many disabilities (especially blindness) were more common in the lower classes because of poor nutrition, lack of access to medical care, unsafe workplaces and even syphilitic blindness (and wrote three books that touched on this: Social Causes of Blindness, The Unemployed, and The Underprivileged) and was determined to improve the lives of the working class. She was strongly anti-war (one of her essays appears in We Who Dared Say No to War), believing that poor men were sent to fight rich men’s battles. She even encouraged unions to strike to break the industries that the War relied on. She was a supporter of birth control, writing that “only by taking the responsibility of birth control into their own hands can [women] roll back the awful tide of misery that is sweeping over them and their children,” and all around bad-ass feminist, saying that “women have discovered that they cannot rely on men’s chivalry to give them justice.” She was an early supporter of both the NAACP (she donated to them very early on) and the ACLU.
I am actually kind of angry that my education left me with the idea that Helen’s biggest accomplishment was spelling out “WATER,” when she was a (prolific!) writer, activist, and all-around BAMF.
That she worked so hard to learn to speak and write and yet what she said and wrote is so totally disregarded is a travesty.
Really OT: I can’t remember if SNL or MadTV did a sketch where the Olsen Twins remade The Miracle Worker in a Hallmark or Lifetime movie format, and at the end Helen magically stops being blind and they both get boyfriends. Your awesome comment reminded me of this.
Wow, thank you for this. I had no idea about any of it. What books did you read for your research, if I can ask?
“We Who Dared Say No To War” by Murray Polner contains one of her anti-war essays
“Lies My Teacher Told Me” by James Loewen mentions her pretty often
And of course, her own works- the books I mentioned above and any of her essays and letters are definitely worth reading!
“women have discovered that they cannot rely on men’s chivalry to give them justice.”
wha-BAM, I have clumsily been trying to make this argument against ‘chivalrous’ acts forever and a day and now I have Helen to back me up.
I use to have the impression that early feminists were busy with the basics, like getting the vote, (yeah, I hadn’t actually read feminist writing of the time) and it would take years of discussion and thought for them to build up to the “sophisticated” ideas of today. Like, if you don’t even have the vote, are severely limited in your ability to be independent, etc., how are you going to craft an argument about something like men doing their share of the housework, which seems like a flight of fancy for those times? But nope, here it is, fully formed, in 1920:
http://womenshistory.about.com/od/suffrage1900/fl…
I like this one for women bearing the responsibility for childcare:
http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Hollingworth/childr…
All feminists are familiar with the revolutionary leader who “can’t see” the woman’s movement.
Bernie Bros what?
” It must be womanly as well as manly to earn your own living, to stand on your own feet. And it must be manly as well as womanly to know how to cook and sew and clean and take care of yourself in the ordinary exigencies of life. I need not add that the second part of this revolution will be more passionately resisted than the first.”
Oof. Thanks for this link. Crystal Eastman was clearly whip smart and badass.
And the line that comes right after that quote: “Men will not give up their privilege of helplessness without a struggle.”
There are SO MANY Dear Prudence/Captain Awkward letters on this very subject.
There is an excellent poem on this subject by Alice Duer Miller (who I learned about from the Hairpin!), “Chivalry”.
It’s treating a woman politely
As long as she isn’t a fright:
It’s guarding the girls who act rightly,
If you can be judge of what’s right;
It’s being–not just, but so pleasant;
It’s tipping while wages are low;
It’s making a beautiful present,
And failing to pay what you owe.
This sounds remarkably like the whitewashing (double-meaning totally intended) that’s been done to Martin Luther King, particularly with those folks who’d like to imply that he’d be a Republican if he were alive today.
This pisses me off so much. He was killed while in Memphis supporting a FUCKING STRIKE, people. A strike. Let’s not pretend that the civil rights and labor movements are completely unconnected, mkay? (see also: A. Philip Randolph, one of my personal faves.)
Oh my god yes! There are people out there with the nerve to say that he wouldn’t approve of BLM. WTF
Ugh, this. Sooo many people out there who invoke MLK in order to pacify/shut up those who are fighting for social justice today.
Also this reminds me of Rosa Parks as well, her lifelong activism has been reduced to that one bus ride.
I’m in the middle of “Quiet” by Susan Cain, in which she writes about Rosa Parks and how strategic it was that she was chosen to be the person on the bus, but also about her quiet but incredibly active and thoughtful life. It always seems like an afterthought that these women with their complex, wonderful, often quiet-on-the-outside but so engaged and smart are reduced to representing movements based on minutes, or hours, or maybe months of a LIFETIME of being BADASSES.
Here is a thing I have learned today about Rosa Parks. The first person arrested for resisting bus segregation in Montgomery was a teenage girl called Claudette Colvin, who was one of the 5 plaintiffs in the federal court case.
Because she was a teenager who was pregnant by a married man, and considered “mouthy”, NAACP leaders decided she wasn’t a good symbol for the boycott, and Rosa Parks was chosen as more credible. In the end, Parks’ case was bogged down while the one Colvin testified in went to the Supreme Court and was successful.
Not to take away from Parks’ own activism, but it is so interesting how history makes these myths of stories.
Yes! Or her travels through Japan in 1937 and 1948, and condemnation of the US military in ’48 because of that! Or her conversion to Swedenborgianism! Not an accomplishment per se, but a thing that usually gets left out because I guess inspiring disabled people aren’t supposed to have weird opinions, but rather sit around and be passively inspiring in an extremely generic sense.
History is so much more interesting when we learn that it was filled with actual, idiosyncratic people rather than archetypes that conveniently reinforce whatever narrative is being pushed.
This.
Yes! People are so willing to use her as inspiration porn because of her disabilities. She was inspiring, but, like most people, she was inspiring because of the strength of her character and the sharpness of her mind, her compassion and determination, and her bravery and desire to do what was right.
Right, and I feel like that view of historical people is alarmingly reductive and feeds into our tendency to dismiss the historical value of the lives of the non-movers and shakers. Or even worse, into the tendency to view history as valuable only if we feel that it affects us personally in some sense. The tendency that leads us away from thinking that historical people can be valuable or interesting in and of themselves, by virtue of being people that we can try to get to know.
And I mean, of course there are purposes for which we should view historical people pragmatically, but it feels like a lot of the time we only do that, and throw out people who were minimally influential in a changing-the-course-of-history sense, or who we feel are too dissimilar to us to be of interest, or who aren’t dissimilar enough to be of interest. And edit the biographies of certified Notable People in line with those criteria (similar but not boring, exotic but not alienating, useful to us personally—and then relegate every other part of their life to footnotes).
And of course since most of us will end up being minimally influential in a changing-the-course-of-history sense, and are boringly similar to certain prominent people in our lives and alienatingly dissimilar to others, and since we (hopefully) feel like we are interesting in and of ourselves, by virtue of being people, and not just in terms of what we can do for other people pragmatically, that kind of reductionism seems like kind of a bad habit to be educating ourselves (and our contemporaries) into. If that made any sense.
“women have discovered that they cannot rely on men’s chivalry to give them justice.”
This.
Oh my goodness, wow. Thank you so much for this.
I always grew up hearing about her as an important author as well as someone who overcame tremendous disabilities. From a young age. From many people. I truly don’t think what she said & wrote is as widely disregarded as you’re suggesting. Unless this is somehow generational? But nonetheless, bravo to you for making her work & life & thoughts even more widely known by writing about her here!
That wedding sounds like it will be A BLAST.
Needed to be home today to let movers in, bit the bullet and took the whole day off from work. I’m not complaining! I got my oil changed, dropped stuff off at Goodwill, and got fresh pasta and wine for dinner + a nice panini for lunch. Living my vacay life.
I’ve noticed people in the last few open threads requesting clothing suggestions, and have been having a blast tracking stuff down– anyone have any personal shopping they want to crowdsource today? Hit me up!
It will be great! My kids are wedding attendants; it’s very sweet.
I am from Oregon, so this is not my FIRST hipster farm wedding, nor will it be my last.
As a fellow Oregonian, your comment really made me smile. We’re spending Sunday at my Aunt’s farm helping plant the wedding garden for my cousin’s upcoming nuptials. Hipster farm weddings for everyone!
What do people wear at hipster weddings? I’m curious.
The only thing I can think of is that since it’s probably outside, I’d go with wedges or flats or a very chunky heel. My sister’s wedding was in a forest-y place and some of the women’s heels would sink into the ground (funny to watch, not v. fun to experience).
Summer dresses! Summer dresses/skirts that would look OK in my super-casual workplace (which, you can honestly wear whatever but I’m not going to rock strapless or cutouts or anything super short as I wouldn’t feel comfortable)
Preferably paler, or patterned – feeling like everything I own is dark right now. Also I inexplicably hate fit and flare even though when I actually try dresses in that style on they look nice.
Sounds like my workplace– it’s mainly men, who will show up in cargo shorts and ratty t-shirts from March through October, but I still sort of feel uncomfortable wearing sleeveless stuff. Check out these:
Very cute shirtdress, also it looks like you can get 40% off with the code BRTAKE40
Isn’t this adorable?? Pretty casual but it sounds like that would be ok? Anthro has an additional 30% off sale thing going on today.
Darker, but cute and also from Anthro. Looks kinda short but the model is 5’10” so you can extrapolate.
Ooh, love! #2 especially – looks like something I’d adore on someone else and not think of for myself
Ahhhh Anthro. If I were even a little richer, it’d be such a problem for me.
I am in the market for “nice” t-shirts and high-neckline tank tops! My workplace is super casual (I’m currently wearing khaki boyfriend shorts from Gap and a tank top that was $3 at Uniqlo), but I still try to dress kind of like an adult when I’m in the office and most of my summer attire seems to have cartoons or snarky sayings on it.
Where can I get crew-neck t-shirts and tank tops in nice fabric (especially linen) for reasonable prices?
I actually really like Goodwill for work t-shirts and tank tops, which is hit or miss for obvious reasons, but I got some Ralph Lauren t-shirts there that have become a staple in my work wardrobe.
Banana Republic consistently stocks work-appropriate linen tops– here’s a plain option and here is a fun metallic one. Looks like there’s a code for an extra 50% off the first!
I’m a big fan of target’s boatneck tops. They’re made of cotton, but the cut is very flattering and the solid ones look very dressy. I have them in every color they come in, save yellow.
I definitely need cute clothes for a fat femme (I’m size ~24 — sometimes a 20/22 works on top and very rarely I need a 26 on bottom) that are cheap. REALLY cheap. “I can only afford Old Navy when it’s 40% off” cheap. Is that even possible?
Whoops, I missed this earlier!
Have you checked out ASOS Curve? They have super cute stuff like this skater dress and prices are $10-15 for basics and up.
They’ve also got an “outlet,” which is mostly pretty wintery right now but the prices are great. Check out this and this!
I’ve purchased from ASOS before and it’s usually good quality for the price. Plus, shipping AND returns are free, so you could order stuff and try it on.
Lemme check out a few more options, i’ll be back
OK here’s a couple more cute things I’ve found!
Charlotte Russe has a pretty good selection for some incredible sale prices, although their sizing is annoyingly vague. This dress, these skirts, and these KILLER leggings. Downside: free shipping limit is $50 (ASOS was $40).
Target is having a 30% sale this weekend, looks like, and while I have not heard great reviews on the Ava + Viv line, fit-wise, there are a few things that at least look fantastic on the website. This top is so classy and modern, and this dress looks so perfect for summer.
I have a clothing dilemma , where should I shop for loungewear, like pretty but warm robes? My old flannel robe has lost its belt and it’s last belt loop, so maybe it is time for it to go in the craft fabric pile.
If you’re after warm, you may have to wait until fall I’m afraid. In terms of where to go Marshall’s et al., usually have pretty great robes. My mum got a killer cashmere robe at Winners last year
So, I am of the opinion that for warm loungewear you can’t beat flannel, and I have found that L. L. Bean’s flannel loungewear holds up pretty well over time. (this is not flannel but it looks soooo warm.)
I have heard that Target’s bathrobes are pretty good– my own is not very warm, but it is dark grey and pretty. This is absolutely adorable, and this is pretty similar to the one I own and love.
Vermont Country Store is my go-to for cozy loungewear. This http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/store/jump/pro… in particular looks very nice and warm, though it is expensive, even on sale. (But I suspect it will last for years.)
This is very, very specific, but I’ve been having no luck looking for the last few weeks. I’m just looking for a charcoal gray dress (solid color with no prints or contrast cuffs/collar), sleeveless, in fit-and-flare cut, pref under $100. Not even eshakti could pop up what I’m after!
Hmm I feel like I have seen what you’re asking for… how sleeveless are we talking, like spaghetti straps, or would babydoll sleeves or less work? And how charcoal? Would you prefer to veer into black or into a lighter grey?
Also is fit-and-flare the same as what the kids these days are calling a “skater dress,” because they look pretty similar to me, but I don’t want to mess that up.
Yeah, fit-and-flare is pretty much a skater!
As to sleevelessness, I’m looking for definitely sleeveless (already have something similar in babydoll sleeves because gray dresses became My Thing) but the kind of sleeveless you can still conceal a standard bra under, like this kind of sleeveless? I personally call it “Modcloth sleeveless” since I don’t know if there’s a real name for it.
I could go in either direction on how charcoal but not so light as to be gray-sweats-gray.
Here’s what I got:
This is my favorite, fits all criteria except the sleeves. Super cute though!
Banana Republic calls this fit and flare, not sure I buy it, but it’s a nice dress. They’re having 40% off right now, so it falls just under $100.
Another “not really fit and flare but maybe close enough?” option. And Anthro is having 30% off sale items right now.
Ooh, I think I want the first one! Thank you!
http://bit.ly/1UiETED Target has something for $30 (possibly $21 on sale?), a little light colored but might be worth a try.
Sheath: http://www.target.com/p/women-s-solid-ponte-sleev…
How can I dress like an adult human at work while still being comfortable and fun. I’m an attorney, and should look presentable for clients and such, but don’t really need a suit or much beyond business casual really. I’m also tiny, and people keep thinking I’m 16. So.
Can you find me something not utterly devoid of color and fun, that is preferably either flowy or stretchy or otherwise comfortable that will still look polished and adult?
I feel like in this case, maybe more structured dresses might be your friend? I know you specified flowy, but I think sometimes flowy dresses on tiny people can read as very youthful! Maybe have fun with color and print and stay on the conservative side with the tailoring? I’m shitty at adding links but I enjoy these as a fun business option:
http://us.asos.com/ASOS-PETITE-Wiggle-Dress-with-…
http://us.asos.com/ASOS-PETITE-Structured-midi-Pi…. (You could totally get away with a fun shirt underneath this!)
And maybe for a non dress option? This would be adult and polished with a pair of heels and a floral blouse, maybe. http://us.asos.com/ASOS-PETITE-Luxe-Longline-Bomb…
Sorry, I had to step away a while to do the moving thing. Here’s some ideas!
I love midi skirts because I think they look mature, they’re comfortable, and they’re work appropriate. I like how Zara has styled one here, it looks very polished, but it’s not super fun. You could style this the same way, but with a plain white shirt, and it’s a little more fun and exciting while still being professional. I also think the midi skirt idea would look good with a crew neck sweater.
Here is a really fun pencil skirt, which may or may not be comfortable (might want to try it on) but is *really* cute, especially for a pencil skirt, which can err on the boring side of professional.
I would so love some interesting fashion guides (i.e, ginkgo’s dilemma) on clevermanka.net!
:0
I would love to write or help write those, maybe I should email her
Yessssssss. Ask a sausagedog? Ask an online stylist? [Clearly not a writer here!].
The offer on our house fell through, everything is dead to me. I am not in the mood for work considering that next week I have an exciting appointment with my doctor to determine why my uterus refuses to straighten up and fly right AND my dad is having a CAT scan the same day, AND the house thing. All life is terrible.
Anyway, considering how I just got a shipment of five Sunfire books to begin on for my blog (I CAN’T WAIT YOU GUYS I’M SO EXCITED TO RIP INTO THEM), what are your guys’s favourite trashy novels for pure enjoyment and vacation-reading purposes?
Trash quest: I fucking love Philippa Gregory. Nothing better for reading on a plane. I used to be seriously addicted to Lillian Jackson Braune books, too (The Cat Who mysteries!), and I live for fiction that is basically “people having interpersonal dramas.” All that is necessary.
The Outlander series! (Not trash, obviously, but quality fun entertainment)
I’ve heard questionable things about assault in the TV show of Outlander. Do the books have the same issue? Someone recommended them to me but I am a little nervous!
I’ve not seen the show (someday, maybe; I don’t have Starz nor any desire to pay for it). I assume you’re meaning sexual assault-type things? The books have do have a few specific incidences but the main relationship in the book is pretty positive (although Claire’s a little too agreeable with/in awe of Jamie for my taste). There’s an entire plotline with Jamie (main male character) being assaulted but that is in the later books. Someone who has read them more recently can probably help out here; it’s been awhile.
Thank you! And yes, I meant sexual assault. I’m trying to actively cut out media that contains violence against women (when I can) and I am trying to just get a feel for how extensive of a role assault plays in the series.
The mileage of others clearly varies, but I really liked Outlander until I got to the domestic violence in the first book and then I threw it against the wall.
Same, same.
There is a violent sexual assault on the main character, she kills the attacker, but it sounds like this might be one to cut out for you.
From what I’ve read, assault is a major plot point in every single book, so yeah. Lots of assaulty-ness everywhere.
Ugh. Lovely. Thank you.
The first one definitely does. I enjoyed the series, and on the whole, the books are really fun, but if you find descriptions of sexual assault triggering (as opposed to just very unpleasant), I would look for a detailed review/recap of the book online that tells you which sections it takes place in and just skip those chapters entirely. (If I’d read it more recently, I’d tell you myself, but I can’t remember exactly when those scenes happen!)
Thank you! I do find descriptions unpleasant and uncomfortable, not not necessarily triggering. I’m trying to cut out unnecessary violence against women in my media consumption (so, like no Game of Thrones or True Detective). This info helps.
OK, see, I have downloaded the first book on my phone. I need help — I’m finding the begining veeeery slow — I’m maybe 3 chapters in? (Thereabouts?) And I want to quit, kinda, because while it’s not bad, I’m just not engaged.
SOME of this could be because I’m reading it on an edevice and not a real book — but I need some reassurance that it gets good quickly or soon, or something like that. I hate to waste $$ on another book I don’t finish but I’m also not feeling it so far.
Oh man! Shout out to The Cat Who mysteries. Not only were they highly addictive (and fortunately there were so many to feed the hunger!) but they taught preteen me all about art, antiques, fine cheese, and all kinds of other things I had no idea I’d want to know later in life.
I am sorry to hear that life is terrible, though. I hope your Sunfire shipment offers some needed respite!
When he moves to the old apple barn and the cats have catwalks through the house and are physically and mentally aloof unless you are 1. a fresh king salmon 2. a bristly mustachioed man 3. a clue to a murder LJB GETS MEEEEEE.
I loved those so much as a preteen/teen.
I loved those too, and so did my mom. We also like the Mrs. Murphy books by Rita Mae Brown which also feature cats (they actually talk in the book but only to each other and other animals – also the main human characters are around horses a lot if you are a horse person).
Man, that sucks. Buying a house seems like the most unnecessarily stressful thing.
Not mad keen on uteruses either. Burn it all down.
Ugh, we’re actually selling our house in an effort to buy another one before the middle of July on account of my husband’s work.EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.
I’m so sorry about the house. I just went through this process and it was GUT WRENCHINGLY STRESSFUL, even though it worked out. I’m sending you all the calm and peace and good luck vibes I can muster. Was it the inspection? Do you have to undertake repairs now? Ughhhhh.
Nah, it was the buyers financing. We passed the inspection with flying colours (the house is only five years old) so I’m consoling myself with the fact that there wasn’t anything we could have done.
Oh man. That is AWFUL but thank goodness you don’t have to worry that something is wrong with your house. Here’s to you selling soon to someone who has been blessed by the bank and credit score gods.
Also very sorry about your dad’s health issues and your misbehaving uterus.
I was into the Stephanie Plum series until about…book thirteen? Then the repetitiveness finally got to me and I haven’t read anymore, but man I could fly through those fast.
Romance novels! Big historical drama in Sherry Thomas’s books, and the Maiden Lane series in Georgian London is really good too! Also Joanna Bourne has a spy series set in the Napoleonic Wars that is compulsive.
Somewhat related:
would 10/10 play a D&D style game called “TRASH QUEST: Things of dubious value and a scandalous nature”
…have you ever heard of Fallen London?
Yes but I was thinking tabletop
Also (I know, I know and if you enjoy it great!) but that “everything is Lovecraftian/monster universe is not my personal fave I’m just kinda meh about it
Ugh house stress and uterus woes and Dad health.
I’m so sorry about your house offer. I hope a better buyer comes along fast! I’ve got one week until mine is on the market & I’m basically never going to sleep again because of the anxiety, but I don’t have anywhere near the complications you do. Good luck with it all.
Forever Amber. Because I am classy and like my trash to be like ur-trash. (Seriously though it is actually a very well written/researched book despite the bodice ripping thrills. And how young the author was when she wrote it is just sickening.)
That had been on my list like forever so I must move it up a bit
For what it’s worth, I really do like it and think it’s well done. And, being the history major that I am, I like the 1940s ‘banned in Boston’ brouhaha just as much as the book itself. There’s an article in there somewhere about moral panics about women reading sexy books and the merits of said books, etc.
But I sure as hell ain’t writing it.
I read Thomas Perry and his Jane Whitefield series. BAMF is Jane.
We have just discovered Cynthia Harrod-Eagles who is along the Philippa Gregory lines but somewhat less over the top — she has written a family saga that spans 30+ books, starting with the Wars of the Roses and going through to the 1930s, and we have just devoured the first one and it was FANTASTIC in that terrible way. Plus she has at least two other series?
Also she is a devout Ricardian. 🙂
woah 30+ historical fiction books? I neeeed
We just got back from driving 20m each way to a neighbouring library system so we could get the 2nd & 3rd books. They are definitely in the family saga realm — I was trying to figure out how to explain them to our marital partner and I finally hit upon this: every character is born with a certain set of personality traits which never change, and so the fun of the book is watching the author sending all these ‘characters’ careening into one another, creating explosions and excitement and illicit romances, and then meanwhile all the historical stuff is happening so King Edward IV is stopping by and making eyes at all the girls and so forth. So not literature, so much fun.
My husband is from Bad Axe Michigan where Lilian Jackson Braun lived and my in-laws knew her personally. Apparently she was the “boringest” celebrity ever and lived the most simple of lives and was just an outrageously happy cat lady which makes me so happy.
That makes me very happy as well.
That’s exactly how I always pictured her.
Georgette Heyer! Her novels are the Regency romances where literally genuinely the worst thing that can possibly happen is if your sister insists on buying a bonnet in a colour you have told her time and time again does not become here and she wears it to the opera anyway.
This makes me want to read them all immediately.
+100
I just read Cotillion for the first time this week (while traveling for my nephew’s high school graduation) and that is 100% true. There is a side plot about an unbecoming lilac gown.
Just popping in to be all Cotillion ALL THE TIME.
If you have not read The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde, you should check it out because it has interpersonal dramas like whoa and also it is very excellent and most entertaining. On my re-reads list (which is quite short; life is way too short for all the books out there I need to read).
Also in excellent and dramaz: The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley, featuring everyone’s favorite super-smart, slightly smug, omg-I-was-that-child-wasn’t-I? preteen detective, Flavia deLuce.
Flavia! I love those books to distraction. Impatient for Thrice the Brinded Cat Hath Mew’d in Sept!
I like The Cat Who mysteries and also Lisa Scottoline’s earlier mysteries (she writes good adult fiction now, but her mysteries hit a pitch of ridiculous humor and centered female friendships and also felt TRASHY to me which was a really heady combination somehow).
Big virtual support to you on everything else, I truly hope it gets better sooooon.
Chick lit! Elin Hilderbrand and Mary Kay Andrews write vacation-y (they almost exclusively take place in beach towns) novels that are just melodramatic enough to not be completely ridiculous.
Elin is also the master of my preferred fiction genre, Dysfunctional Adult Siblings and their Children Descend upon Beloved Family Home to Hash Out Old Dramas.
So sorry about your recent string of Bad Things. Hope things start looking up.
I have such a love-hate relationship with Phillipa Gregory, which is I guess what qualifies her as a trashy novel read? Because YES, I fucking love to read them and tear through them, but I swear, I spend 70% of the time hating on either her writing or how she presents certain things. Still won’t stop me from rereading TOBG sometime in the next 6 months, though. #sexygurgleoflaughter
That is all terrible and I will be thinking of you next week (I need to make a similar appointment, so, yeah…). That’s all to say I hope you read the fuck out of some trashy novels and it brings you some joy.
I’ll be happy to hold your hand during any and all appointment making. It is the pits.
Thank you. There is really something about having to make the call and say the words that I . . . am just dragging my feet on. Sigh.
Also–I have some extra Toast Post to send, so if you would care for a little extra love in your mailbox, shoot me your address and I will send you some. DM on twitter (same name) or fenixdawntoast at gmail.
I was super brave about making the call and then when I had to say WHY I almost started crying, so, I understand. (This is why I take all personal calls on the back deck at work where no one can hear me.) I can’t recall if you’re a member of Toast on Eggs? If not and you are interested in a Toastie trying to conceive group, let me know.
I don’t think I am. But would definitely like to be.
Let me get home from work and I’ll shoot you some details tonight!
Great! Thank you!!!
Georgette Heyer wrote literally TWO DOZEN Regency-era romance novels before that was The Thing To Do!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_works_by_Ge…
I just thought of another beautiful trash recommendation: Susan Howatch! in the 60s and 70s she wrote modern-day family sagas using historical British dynasties for her plots, and then in the 80s? 90s? she wrote over the top dramatic books about Anglican priests and their emotional issues, like, what if they are not actually perfect in all things and what if their superior really IS having an affair or then again what if he is NOT having an affair and it is just the protagonist’s unhappiness at being without a girlfriend of his own that makes him suspect it For people looking for interpersonal dramas with very messed up & thus unreliable narrators it is hard to go wrong with Howatch.
I’m not sure whether these even count as “trash” or just “bad,” but I love, LOVE, the endless series of Hamish Macbeth mysteries. I’m pretty sure each one is literally written in an afternoon, with liberal copy-and-paste from previous installments, and I don’t care I love Hamish and his implausibly murderous tiny Scottish village.
Paging Missouri Toasties!
I’m moving to Springfield, MO, this summer. Would love some information/advice about the city, especially finding a place to live. How much should I expect to pay for a one-bedroom apartment with a dishwasher and in-unit washer/dryer? Or are most renters there in rental houses, not apartments? Most of the apartment buildings/complexes that I’ve found online seem to be aimed at students. I’d like to be near the university, but not surrounded by students. My goal is to be close enough that the commute is pretty short (I’ll be teaching 8 am classes all next year), but in a building/complex/neighborhood where I can take out the trash in yoga pants with a low likelihood of running into one of my students.
Also, how sad should I be that the closest Trader Joe’s seems to be in Kansas City, which Google tells me is about three hours away? Costco, too. Where will I buy my groceries???
And TORNADOES! How worried should I be? Are most buildings in Missouri built to withstand them, the way everything in California is (supposed to be) built to withstand earthquakes?
I have never lived in Springfield, but as a child my family lived in Joplin for a while and for some reason our house didn’t have a basement! Which meant we all had to sit under the dining room table during a tornado that completely destroyed the house across the street. Unless things have changed since then, I don’t think it’s a requirement that housing be built to withstand a tornado.
Ok that sounds terrifying! What do people do if they live in an apartment? Just, like, cross their fingers and hope for the best?
You might go into the basement of the building or if that’s not an option you might get into an interior hallway on a lower floor. I only recently realized that not everyone grew up with tornado drills, so I don’t know how much you know about tornado safety? Basically you get into an area that’s as sheltered, windowless and close to the ground as possible and crouch on the floor with your hands covering your head.
I know very little about tornado safety, so this is really helpful. Would it be common for an apartment building to have a basement? I feel like these are really dumb questions, but I’ve lived most of my adult life in places where no one really has a basement (even most houses).
Yeah, you would likely have a laundry room/ boiler room down there.
Ok, thank you!
I have lived/visited in plenty of apartment buildings that did not have basements in the Midwest; in this case one could cower on the main floor in a hallway or bathroom or closet, away from windows and large expanses of unsupported ceiling. If you have a ground-floor unit you can shelter in your own bathroom/closet/whatever, so that is kind of convenient.
If this is something that is worrying to you, definitely look for a ground floor or basement unit (basement units are also sometimes called garden-level units). Good luck!
Ok, thank you! *takes notes*
It literally had not occurred to me that tornado drills are not a thing everyone grows up with.
Same here!
I’m in St. Louis, clear across the state, so I’m not helpful re: $$ and apt sites, but Springfield is great! I don’t know about buildings withstanding tornadoes, because frankly, tornadoes are really good at undoing a lot of stuff. but I do know that Greene County is incredibly solid in the emergency management dept., both with pre-planning and implementing those plans once something does happen, like a tornado. I responded to the Joplin tornado 5 years ago and helped run a response training a year later for other teams.
Thank you, this is very reassuring!
Re:groceries, Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods aren’t the only healthy/yuppie grocery chains out there. Yelp seems to be pretty happy with the local offerings, at least two of which look kind of “natural”-oriented.
To be honest, my biggest concern is access to affordable but fancy cheese.
*Biggest concern re: grocery stores
I said it up high but seriously, Hy-Vee will hook you up now. It’s not tons of fancy cheese, but they have a decent selection of hard cheeses and occasionally nice soft cheeses.
Thanks, I’m definitely making a note of this!
I am from Springfield, MO, but haven’t lived there in 20+ years. However, my parents retired back there, so I visit occasionally.
Springfield does have farmers’ markets! Which include delicious cheese! After being in Seattle since 2000, the farmers’ market prices seemed RIDICULOUSLY cheap to me.
Tornadoes: They are terrifying, but kind of a fact of life. When looking at an apartment or house, ask about shelter. Most large buildings (like schools and public buildings) will have a basement or an interior hallway or room that is the designated tornado shelter. I wouldn’t rent an apartment that didn’t have one. If you’re looking at rental houses, look for a basement, crawl space, or interior utility or bathroom. (The pipes help anchor the room in the event of actual tornado contact.)
Thank you! This is helpful, on both the cheese- and tornado-related fronts! *takes more notes*
I grew up in Springfield, MO, and lived there till I left for college in…um. Oh, 24 years ago. (Yeesh.) My mom still lives there, and I visit a couple of times a year. Are you going to be at MO State or Drury?
I wouldn’t worry about tornadoes in Springfield. There are occasional warnings, but I can’t remember a time when anything actually touched down and caused significant damage or injury. That said, other areas nearby (Joplin, most notably) have been hit hard in recent years. If you’re new to the Midwest in general, you might be more taken aback by the thunderstorms, which are…notable in their severity, sometimes. But really, every part of the country seems to have their Scary Thing (I can’t imagine being near a place where a hurricane is even a possibility, but I know people who are – to me, at least – shockingly cavalier about that, and who look at me like I’m daft when I shrug off tornado watches).
Alas, there is no Trader Joe’s, but there IS a place called Mama Jean’s that has a pretty good selection of natural/organic stuff. That tends to be my go-to when I’m down there, but my mom tells me that some of the larger grocery stores are getting better about expanding their organics.
Anyway, good luck with the move, and I hope you enjoy the town!
Ah, you make me want to head back down that way from STL! Mama Jean’s sounds lovely.
Also, onemorejessica, one of the neatest things about the Springfield area to me is the fact that you can visit a bunch of cool places within an hour or two in both MO and AR. I’ve visited Eureka Springs across the border, Roaring River state park is gorgeous (I did some burning/conservation work down that way), and the rivers, shut-ins, springs, etc are kickass in any of the nearby state parks. If you’re into that kind of thing, you won’t be too far away from Ha Ha Tonka, which has a european style castle in ruins.
Thanks, that all sounds great!
Thanks for the info! I’ll be at Missouri State.
Wildfires, earthquakes, and hurricanes have been the big concerns in the places I’ve lived before this. Some of that advice seems to be transferable. I suppose staying away from windows in a natural disaster is going to be pretty universal!
Reading thread! My library’s teen summer reading program admits college students and starts next week, and I need to smoke some goddamn fifteen–year-olds. What is the book (or books) that you want to go around shoving at people, hissing “read this if you have ever enjoyed words in your life?” Mine are Dealing With Dragons by Patricia C Wrede and the Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner.
The first is a delightful feminist romp through all the tropes you would expect from a fantasy series with sensible characters, and definitely made 14-year-old me want to march up to a dragon and demand to be abducted. The second is technically fantasy YA, but it’s more about adventure and politics in a Fake Historical Greece where the gods happen to be real. It has ten thousand plot twists and amazing powerful female characters and the main character is an endearing little shit of a dude of color and it’s so well-written.
On another note I have been entering fanfic data into the official Toastieslack Fanfic Rec Spreadsheet for ages and my fingers are falling off, please advise.
I’m not 100% clear on what age range your asking for–teenagers all the way up through college students? And do the books we recommend for this program have to be “appropriate” by some metric or other?
Regardless of the answers to those questions, I always, always recommend the Discworld series. Starter books include Wyrd Sisters, Guards! Guards!, Mort, and Small Gods (those are my recommended starter books, but the May 25th’s open thread includes a bunch of other Toasties’ Discworld starter recommendations).
Any book, any age, as long as you love it with the burning passion of at least a dozen suns.
Gotcha! My very top favorites, in addition to Discworld…
Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
The Bartimaeus Trilogy, by Jonathan Stroud
Digger, by Ursula Vernon (technically a webcomic, but available to order in print form, so I’m recommending it anyway)
Watership Down
Tigana, by Guy Gavriel Kay
I will also throw in recommendations for The Wind City by Summer Wigmore and for the two Trickster books by Tamora Pierce.
(I feel kind of bad that most of the books that I love with a burning passion of at least a dozen suns are by male authors. Most of the books I love are not by men! But whenever I whittle it down to my very top favorites, it ends up majority male.)
Edit: I see below that you are recently out of teenager-hood, and in that case, I bump my recommendation of “The Wind City” up to the very top. I am biased, but I think it has the most realistic early-adulthood characters I’ve ever read (I’m biased because i’m friends with the author). It is wonderful! Full of humor and queer romance and people doing things like quoting Princess Bride in the midst of battles.
Jumping on here to say “thank you thank you thank you” to the Toasties who recommended Ursula Vernon a couple of Open Threads ago. I started reading Digger yesterday and it is a GIFT.
I really wish I had found Lois McMaster Bujold about a decade before I actually did, and I’m currently making everyone I know read her books.
Hilary Mantel’s “An Experiment in Love” !!!! It was the first book I ever read that I related to on a spiritual, visceral level (warning: it takes place in 70s England, so not overly diverse). Her descriptions of what it is like to be a woman, out on your own for the first time, surrounded by other women is awesome. And so few stories focus seriously on women’s relationships with other women; as friends, as enemies, as reluctant allies. I recommend it to everyone.
We just read this last autumn and yes, it is so good and so incredibly underrated compared to her later novels.
Dealing With Dragons is a very special and important book to me. Cimorene is the best, best, best. I may check out the Queen’s Thief series this summer when I need something to make me feel good.
Also good: Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching books (The Wee Free Men, A Hatful of Sky, The Wintersmith, I Shall Wear Midnight)
Comics/graphic novels:
The Sandman comics, not Unproblematic but beloved for a reason
Lynda Barry’s One Hundred Demons
Jillian Tamaki’s Skim
Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis
OH also I have been shouting about Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer to everyone I know. It is weird as fuck, extremely narratively unexpected, pretty terrifying, and so wrenching and moving. Technically it’s science fiction, but there are suspense/horror facets and amazing psychological intensity. I can imagine people hating this book as much as I love it, but I LOVE IT as much as I love it.
Annihilation! It’s very much not the sort of book I usually read (I suspect I missed a lot because I don’t read descriptions closely enough) but MAN I’m still glad I read it to experience that ambiance. I recently read The Yellow Wallpaper and was surprised how familiar it felt, thanks to the Southern Reach series.
The Yellow Wallpaper also rules! And yeah, I see the parallel–not of what’s happening exactly but of the feeling of coming undone, nothing holding, abandoning an old form without being able to fully reach a new one… UGH AMAZING
yes, this book is AMAZING. the second one was so difficult to get through, though, and I heard similarly about the third 🙁
My difficulty with the second one is that it’s much more what readers might expect from this kind of story, where as Annihilation was NOT AT ALL LIKE THAT. It’s not like anything I’ve read, in-genre or out. It threw me off in the best possible way.
I’m working on the third one right now and so far it’s more like the second one than like the first one.
Sabriel by Garth Nix is about a girl who has to go to her necromancer father’s rescue when he’s trapped in death by a threat to their kingdom. She gets a sassy cat creature for a familiar and finds and rescues an enchanted prince. The two sequels are also pretty good and have female leads.
I also really liked the Alanna the Lioness Quartet by Tamora Pierce (girl twin switches with boy twin to become a knight, he becomes a mage). It’s a 4 part series I read over and over from about 12 and while I haven’t read them in a while, typing this up makes me want to go dig out my copies!
Song of the Lioness Quartet probably made me who I am. I don’t know how it stands up today, because it’s been ages and ages since I read it, but it was extremely formative for Lil’ Belle.
I also really enjoyed the Everworld series (K.A. Applegate of Animorphs reknown) and the Dragonriders of Pern books by Anne McCaffrey (these probably aren’t YA intended, but I definitely read them in middle school so… sorry mom).
Dealing With Dragonnnnnssssss ugh can we canonize that series (at least Book 1) in the Great Celestial Toastie Library? That book was such a breath of fresh air when I was a wee feminist whose main feminist issue was “girl characters kinda suck.”
The one I shove at people is Crossing California. The characters remind me so much of people I went to high school with, despite the different time and place it’s set in. I just love all the details and jokes and the way the author is constantly making fun of his characters, but he totally loves them.
Oh, and Ella Minnow Pea. That book is the best at playing with language and being fun but not fluffy. And definitely a “clean” read if you need one.
For 15-year-olds? Diane Duane’s So You Want to be a Wizard series. I guess it’s technically YA fantasy, but urban fantasy with sci-fi elements (there are aliens). It’s set in modern-day New York (Long Island, really) and the protagonists are a Hispanic guy and a white girl who are BFFs. The first three books are AMAZING, and the first one stands alone well, if you think they’ll be intimidated by an 8-book series. They’re clever and funny and sometimes really beautiful and profound.
The other book that changed my life at age 15 was Gregory Maguire’s Wicked, but maybe don’t go around recommending books that contain group sex scenes for a summer reading program.
Yeah, I’m not recommending them to the kids, I just need something that Toasties think I’m going to love so I, myself, can plow through a giant stack of books faster than the fifteen-year-old can.
Oh whoops okay. In that case definitely Wicked.
I’ll also throw in The Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. It’s beautifully written and suspenseful enough that it makes you plow right through it (or at least it did me). It has amazing things to say about books, reading, writing, and the city of Barcelona. The sequels are SCARY, but also very well written.
Yes to The Enchanted Forest Chronicles, although it might skew a little young for many teenagers if they never read it as children and so don’t already have a deep, lifelong love for everything Cimorene, Mendabar, and Kazul have ever done.
I would absolutely recommend the Abhorsen series by Garth Nix (Sabriel, Lirael, and Abhorsen. Also Clariel but that’s not quite as good, IMO). About a girl who discovers that it’s her destiny to be the person who makes sure the malevolent, often very magical dead stay dead, thus saving the kingdom, etc.
For older kids I would recommend The Coldest Girl In Coldtown by Holly Black because it has quite possibly my favorite protagonist in all of YA fiction and might actually be the perfect vampire novel.
Also His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik and the whole Temeraire series in general is amazing.
SARAH MCCARRY SARAH MCCARRY SARAH MCCARRY
“All Our Pretty Songs” is a TRANSCENDENT GUT-PUNCH of a novel, blending the Orpheus-and-Eurydice story with a tale of best friendship and the aftermath of the Seattle grunge scene. (“Dirty Wings,” a prequel, is almost as good; “About a Girl,” a sequel and the last of the Metamorphoses trilogy, is not QUITE as great as the first two, but it is still mighty enjoyable.) I want everyone to read these books, they’re what I want to write like.
(I also love the Enchanted Forest Chronicles, I still apply some of their wisdom to my everyday life. Like not agreeing to do favors for people UNTIL you know what they want.)
I loved the Queen’s Thief series! I need to reread them.
Books for 15 year olds… I can’t really think of anything? besides Harry Potter. Oh, I loved The Princess Bride and The Last Unicorn (idk if that’d work for that age, depends on the kids), The Neverending Story, Howl’s Moving Castle… are you doing just fantasy?
I probably should have clarified, I’m asking for recs for myself, so I can read a bunch of great books and read them faster than some punk-ass fifteen-year-olds would. Any age, any genre, just good books.
oh oh have you read Marie Brennan’s Lady Trent series? Dragon science! Riffing on all kinds of Victorian-era science tropes, especially the sexism and imperialism! I think there are three books out now, and they’re quick reads, so you can feed your competitive urges with them 😀
Gotcha! I think I read it too fast. I forgot to say ditto Discworld. I also loved The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society (I think that’s the title) if you like sad-ish WWII books.
YES to the Sabriel books, I devoured those about twenty times when I was younger. I was also into the first Inkheart book–I have no real memory that it was any good, but the idea of being able to read books into life was incredibly influential to a girl who had no real friends except the ones she read about.
I don’t have any good teen recs so I am literally just going through this thread liking every comment that supports Dealing with Dragons.
I’ll take recs for any age, since they’re for me; my favorite books just happen to be for teens because I’ve only recently stopped being a teen.
Tamara pierce. Anything buy her.
My favorite YA genre is basically it’s-a-girls-boarding-school-but-surprise-they’re-SPIES!! So I love and recommend (for teens and YA-loving adults) the Gallagher Girls series by Ally Carter and the Finishing School series by Gail Carriger. The Finishing School series is about girls at a steampunk spy-training school, set in the same universe as the author’s Parasol Protectorate series.
Have you read Libba Bray’s trilogy that begins with A Great and Terrible Beauty? It’s a girls’ boarding school but surprise there’s MAGIC! I love those books even though they are YA fantasy trash.
Ooh, adding to my library list! Thank you!
How could I forget these books?! The second and third I’ve only read a couple times, but the first book is one of my perennial comfort reads.
Libba Bray’s “Beauty Queens” is also fantastic, but a completely different book–satire/farce about the standards we set for teen beauty, featuring a bunch of beauty contest contestants that get stranded on a deserted island. Includes a thinly-veiled caricature of Sarah Palin, plus pirates.
I love the finishing school series. Something about teen girls with plans for poisoning their first husbands is just delightful.
AGREED.
Have you read YS Lee’s Agency series? It’s so good. Boarding school for spies in Victorian England with a side of talking about racism and classism.
Ooh, that sounds great!
The Liaden series by Sharon Lee and Steve Miller? It’s space opera with overtones of Victorian drawing room comedies and a soupcon of flat-out witchiness. It’s kind of generational like the Vorkosigan saga and has a lot of romance but also shooting at your enemies and giant knife-making turtles.
Books everyone should read:
Hild by Nicola Griffith, and then go read everything else she’s written, even the early works which are not as well written.
Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel, and then the sequel, and then go back and read her early work, or maybe reverse that and start with the earlier work.
The Colours of Madeline trilogy by Jaclyn Moriarty which is fantasy for teens and SO good.
Not sure everyone should read these, but I really enjoyed Fangirl & Carry On by Rainbow Rowell.
Some other YA authors I am enjoying: Hilary T. Smith, Stephanie Perkins (sort of guiltily), Maggie Lehrman, Sara Zarr, Becky Albertalli
Stephanie Perkins books are great. I’ve read all of her books in single settings–they’re like popcorn. Also I met her once, and she complimented my Firefly t-shirt.
Yes, popcorn! Or really, really good chips, or something else along those lines.
I Capture the Castle, always and forever.
Also, the Flora Segunda series is incredible and criminally underrated
Flora Segunda forever! Ysabeau Wilce has such an amazing voice–I love the way she plays with language, I love the world building, and I need more now now now!
I have two lists for you – first is personal favorites and recent books that were good. Second is series I’ve plowed through because they were super enjoyable.
If you need help with data entry let me know – I like that kind of thing (and also can’t wait for the spreadsheet, as I was thinking about trying to create one myself).
1. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (Jenny Lawson)
The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
The Royal We (Heather Cocks/Jessica Morgan)
The River of Doubt (Candice Millard)
Discworld (esp. Equal Rites, Lords and Ladies, Monstrous Regiment, Reaper Man, all the Tiffany Aching books)
Station Eleven (Emily St. John Mandel)
Ballet Shoes (Noel Streatfeild)
Lost in Translation (Nicole Mones)
The Thirteenth Tale (Diane Setterfield)
Gabriela Clove and Cinnamon (Jorge Amado)
Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands (Jorge Amado)
The Blue Castle (L.M. Montgomery)
The Prisoner of Zenda & Rupert of Hentzau (Anthony Hope)
Emma (Jane Austen)
The Professor and the Madman (Simon Winchester)
Watership Down (Richard Adams)
Crazy Rich Asians & China Rich Girlfriend (Kevin Kwan)
The Beach House (Mary Alice Monroe)
The Vanishing of Katharina Linden (Helen Grant)
Shine Shine Shine (Lydia Netzer)
Eye of the Red Tsar (Sam Eastland)
The Astronaut Wives’ Club (Lily Koppel)
Valley of the Dolls (Jacqueline Susann)
Tears of Mermaids: The Secret Story of Pearls (Stephen G. Bloom)
The Secret of Lost Things (Sheridan Hay)
2. Theodosia series (R.L. LaFevers)
Royal Spyness series (Rhys Bowen)
Charles Lenox series (Charles Finch)
Krewe of Hunters series (Heather Graham)
Last Apprentice series (Joseph Delaney)
Grace Harlowe (Jessie Graham Flower) – these are all on Project Gutenberg and they are AMAZING
The Parasol Protectorate (Gail Carriger)
Bones of Faerie series (Janni Lee Simner)
Finishing School series (Gail Carriger)
The Mysterious Benedict Society (Trenton Lee Stewart)
The Kane Chronicles (Rick Riordan)
Already mentioned in response to a previous Toast today: The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde is one of my very favorites, and The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley, featuring everyone’s super-smart, slightly smug, omg-I-was-that-child-wasn’t-I? preteen detective, Flavia deLuce.
Others that I love and recommend often:
The Diary of Maddie Spencer by Sandra Dallas (she has lots of books on homestead life and most of them are great)
The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K LeGuin
Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson
Among Others by Jo Walton
The Pigeon Pie Mystery by Julia Stuart
When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead
My Beloved World by Sonia Sotomayor
Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time by Dava Sobel (get the anniversary edition with photos if available)
Whose Body? by Dorothy Sayers
Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel
Woman on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy
Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor
Sheepfarmer’s Daughter by Elizabeth Moon
The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith (JK Rowling)
As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes
Rebecca by Daphne duMaurier
The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper
Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg by Irin Carmon
Kindred by Octavia Butler
People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks
Life After Life by Kate Atkinson
King Peggy: An American Secretary, Her Royal Destiny, and the Inspiring Story of How She Changed an African Village by Peggielene Bartels
I’m just going to be pushing the Ancillary trilogy forever and ever and ever, it’s amazing.
Books I loved as a child enough to force my husband to read and/or listen to the audiobooks of on car trips include: Ella Enchanted, Running out of Time, Walk Two Moons.
DEALING WITH DRAGONS <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
The books I always shout about to people are the Dreamhunter Duet by Elizabeth Knox. Alternate-universe New Zealand with an entertainment industry based on the sharing of dreams, featuring an excellent female bildungsroman, old family magic, government conspiracy, and poetry.
Heeey! My sister gave me these for Christmas, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: when my sister hands me a book I’ve never heard of and tells me to read it, I will LOVE IT. These books definitely followed that pattern.
Sounds like she has excellent taste!
GUYS my bookdepository basket says 149,23 EUR now STOP HELP
Guys this entire thread is LIT. I’m either wholeheartedly agreeing or eagerly making notes to check books out that I’m not familiar with.
The only author I’m not seeing another love for is Diana wynne jones. Her stuff skews a little young but it’s ageless at the same time. I reread a couple books by her a year tbh.
I’m trying to mentally picture my bookshelf to see if there’s anyone else I’m forgetting and while there probably is people have really been covering a lot!
haha, knew I was forgetting something from my shelf! I didn’t even discover DWJ till I was an adult, but yessssss.
the official Toastieslack Fanfic Rec Spreadsheet
I have got to get over to that slack group sometime, geez.
Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami is adult fiction, but it’s about a 15 year old and involves talking cats so most teens should enjoy reading it.
Staying on the Japanese theme, I’m in the middle of the Akira manga series and OH MY GODDDDDD So good
The Dragonriders of Pern books by Anne McCaffrey!! I gobbled them up when I was in junior high, and I decided to reread some this year to see what the big deal was about back then. I’m delighted to report my junior high taste in books was impeccable! SO GOOD. A delightful blend of sci fi and fantasy. And there are SO MANY books!
Seraphina by Rachel Hartman is definitely my shoving-into-others’-hands book, especially when it comes to YA. It’s well written, and Hartman respects her readers — and her characters. I love love love Seraphina, who’s more like me than any other protagonist I’ve encountered, and the supporting characters are wonderful as well. Plus — dragons with a knack for math. Diversity wrt sexuality, gender identity, and ethnicity. Religion, philosophy, music! And again, dragons!
Other favorites:
Uprooted by Naomi Novik (more dragons! more female friendship! more badass magic!)
thirding Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel
The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker (historical fiction / magical realism)
On the Jellicoe Road and Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta (contemporary YA)
Spin by Robert Charles Wilson (soft sci fi)
Going to piggy back on this to say: Seraphina has a sequel and it is definitely not as good as Seraphina. The first works as a standalone with a few hanging threads and the second isn’t that bad, just not really worth it in my opinion.
(trying to picture my bedroom shelves, which is where I keep my most comfort-y, hard to classify reads.)
I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith and the (similar in tone) Brief History of Montmaray series, which is currently my go-to comfort read. (Which is weird, because WWII! But lovely people!)
I love Daniel Handler’s pre-Lemony Snicket The Basic Eight, but it’s definitely not-for-everyone (but I think you can tell if it’s for you within the first 20 pages.)
Pamela Dean’s books are also very much a matter of taste–The Secret Country trilogy probably has more plot than Tam Lin, and the concept (what if your fantasy world became real, and then oh shit the people you killed off for the dramaz are real too?) is so much in my wheelhouse it’s like my wheelhouse was actually built around it.
The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver, which I throw in because I read it when I was 13 and it felt life-changing, but perhaps would not be as much non-super-white-suburban-sheltered teenagers.
I also really like the Mysterious Benedict Society books, which got kinda lost in the shuffle when they came out, I think, but very much in the smart kids band together and solve mysteries mode. I still kind of want to grow up to be Kate Weatherall and Constance Contraire (haha) is my chubby rhyme-spouting grouchy id.
(haha, and another +++ for Dealing with Dragons).
Yes yes yes to the Montmaray books! “A Brief History of Montmaray” is the first one. A royal family (mostly teens) on a tiny tiny island kingdom on the eve of WWII.
AH I haven’t thought about the Mysterious Benedict books in forever! I loved those, and I think more of them have come out since I read them. Must investigate…
The Jasper Fforde Jane Eyre series (The Eyre Affair) for college students slogging through an English Lit degree. John Myers Myers, Silverlock is also good but very male-centric. Part of the fun is picking out the characters you recognize. Sophie’s World for anyone who is taking or took Philosophy 101 and couldn’t make head or tails of it (hello, it me). Dorothy Sayer’s Lord Peter Wimsey mystery series. China Mieville, Un Lun Dun is great for younger fans of fantasy — just read it and plan to pass it on to my 11-year-old. Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life is fun for young teen boys. All Pratchett of course, and Francesca Lia Block’s Weetzie Bat series. For older people (post-college) she wrote a follow-up to Weetzie Bat called Necklace of Kisses that really resonated with me as a 40-something but might be out of your target demographic.
I’m super late to this but my fav ya book is Dear Killer by Katherine Ewell, it’s about a girl who’s mother trained her to be a serial killer and I KNOW it sounds trashy as hell and terrible, which is why I originally read it, bc it’s my kind of trash, except its really nuanced and emotional and the author was only 17 when she wrote which is incredible because the prose is /beautiful/
Hi Toasties! My friend sent me this photo earlier this week and it continues to bring me much joy. I’ve made it my Twitter cover photo.
What pictures / GIFs are making you happy this week?
this is the reason that the internet was invented
I saw that last night on Twitter along with a comment that was a riff on “Yeah, yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.” Excellent work.
This gifset of Tom Hiddleston just…walking and this one of him pursing his lips made me happy this morning despite my more-fatigued-than-normal state
I saw High-rise. It is the worst. However, there are soooo many scenes that will become premium Tom Hiddleston gifs. I suspect they shot several scenes with your tumblr in mind.
I’m not one of those who watches everything in their crush’s filmography so I’ll probably give it a miss but I will be here for gifsets.
Shit me, the one with the sunglasses.
*is a puddle on the floor*
r/captchaart had me wheeze-laughing at my desk yesterday
THIS ONE.
There’s a gif!!!!
this is AMAZING thank you for bringing this to my knowledge
me too, Sam Neill. Me too.
Making this my Facebook cover photo.
I could use some reassurance re: childbirth. In the reply cuz it got long
(Also what am I going to do without this community to lean on?)
So. My husband has a very large head. It is so large that it didn’t fit through the birth canal. After his mother had labored all night long, the doctors decided that it just wasn’t going to work and, at 5 in the morning, they performed a c-section.
My mother-in-law swears up and down that this was fine, but it sounds like a goddamned nightmare to me.
If I understand anything about genetics (and maybe I don’t), there’s a decent chance that my child will have a head as big as my husband’s. As such, I’ve been considering having a c-section. I figure that technology has advanced enough that they’ll be able to measure the size of my kid’s head in advance and let me know if it won’t fit through my vagina. And in that case I would schedule a c-section.
Both my mother and my mother-in-law are appalled by this. They’re telling me that I absolutely shouldn’t have a c-section, that natural birth is the way to go. C-sections are performed far too often and it’s worse in all ways and dangerous and blah blah blah. The look in their eyes when I mentioned I was thinking about it, even after explaining all this, made me feel like a monster. Apparently there is no acceptable reason ever to voluntarily get a c-section.
It’s not like I want one. I just don’t want to find out I’m having one halfway through the process. If it ends up being medically necessary, I’d like to know that going in. I’d like to schedule it and prepare myself for it.
Is that insane? Because I’m starting to feel a little insane for not committing to a natural birth no matter what. C-sections aren’t the end of the world, right? I just need a little reassurance that I’m not starting this whole motherhood thing off on completely the wrong foot.
You are completely fine. The goal is safe mother and safe baby. How you both get there is not the point. Do what makes the most sense for YOU after discussion with your health professional, and if anyone wants to give you grief send them to me and I’ll personally force something huge through something small that they love.
Thanks. I just need a little bolstering to help me stick to my guns about this. Which could very well end up being a non-issue anyway.
Oh my. Do what works best for you- whatever gets you through it safely. I know I shouldn’t be shocked, but I totally am, that your mother and mother-in-law think it’s okay to make a stink about this!
Thanks, and I’m surprised to. I didn’t expect the Strong Opinions about Things I’m Doing Wrong to start quite this early or to come from either of them. They’re both generally level-headed and have given me good advice in the past.
My kids have giant hard heads and I ended up having to have C-sections with both; I didn’t schedule the operations in advance or anything, it was literally necessary for our health and safety. So, no, it’s not worse in all ways and blah blah blah.
Please talk to your OB/GYN about this: the likelihood of being able to tell in advance whether you’re likely to have difficulty, what the resources will be like for doing an unplanned C-section, what recovery would be like, all of that. This is a decision for you and your medical personnel (and your husband, on the assumption that he’ll be present for your recovery and caring for your infant).
(It’s true that there was historically a big swing toward scheduling C-sections on little medical reason, which is where your mother & mother-in-law are probably coming from, if that helps you cope with them. They still shouldn’t interfere or make you feel bad, though!)
I’m feeling somewhat relieved that unexpected c-sections are apparently more common than I thought. I had it in my head that the unexpected part of it would mean something was wrong/could have been done differently. Thanks for the perspective.
Yeah, I think it’s not controversial to say that there *are* too many C-sections, but the solution to that isn’t *not* to have a C-section if it’s necessary.
Echoing the other replies: it is entirely up to you with your doctor’s input, nobody else’s! I’m 30 weeks pregnant and I totally hear you on wanting some assurance about what the process will be. My friend was planning on a vaginal delivery until she found out that her baby was breech. It was hard to adjust since she wanted a vaginal delivery but I think it helped for her to know that it was coming in advance so she could plan for it.
I know it is easier said than done, but try to block out all the “advice” (criticism) that comes your way at this time. Everybody thinks they know better and they don’t!!
What part of “your child’s head is too big to get through your vagina” suggests to your mother and mother-in-law that having a C-section would be voluntary? Like, what are you supposed to do?
I think I’m just supposed to be more resistant to the idea, but that seems bad for my mental health and like it could possibly lead to a more traumatic experience
ugghhh relatives’ pregnancy/birth “advice” PUT IT IN A BOX, LAUNCH THAT BOX INTO THE SUN
You can do this. The choice is yours, do what feels best and right to you! fwiw, I had two unmedicated births, no birth damage/trauma, and my kids had HUGE heads (my husband has a very large head, and was a c-section not for that reason but because he was breech — his mother also had two other large-headed kids naturally). I could say reassuring things to you about that, but everyone’s mileage varies and ofc everyone’s body is different, and I don’t want to be condescending.
No matter what happens in terms of delivery, you and your baby will receive good care, and you will be fine. If a c-section IS medically necessary, the doctors will do what has to be done — but it’s tough to say for sure if it will or won’t be necessary beforehand, because they can’t really tell you how labor will go. If you’re emotionally prepared for a c-section as a possibility, I hope that helps you deal with it if it happens!
1. WTF people? Nothing wrong with a C-section. I’ve got a friend that had 2, one which was of the surprise variety that your MIL needed (turns out the baby was breech and no one noticed until a foot was felt!) and the second was with her second and was elective. She’s a teacher, her husband is a doctor, no one scared her into this. Her kids are FINE. She is FINE.
2. If you’re laboring forever and the baby is stuck halfway, they’re probably gonna pull it out with either forceps or the ventuse (sp?) which is like a toilet plunger. It’s what happened to me with my first (big baby all around, not just the head) and they said they didn’t want to give me a C-section because the baby was already halfway through and pulling it out backwards wasn’t a good idea.
3. There’s lots of reasons that they could do an emergency C-section when you’ve already done a lot of labor, not just a big head. Talk to your doctor or similar to see if you’re at risk for them to put your mind at ease. I don’t know how old your husband is, but medical knowledge has definitely moved on since he was born. Your birth experience will not be your MIL’s birth experience.
4. I don’t know what the deal is with your doc, but totally mention the big head thing, they can and do measure the head on ultrasounds. Doc might do it at the end of your pregnancy to reassure you. But get as much info as you can and if you’re still freaked out, go for the C-section. Being scared during your whole labor is a pretty crappy way to have to have a baby.
You will be FINE either way. There is no one better to make the decision than you and your doctors! The important thing is to totally ignore anyone else’s opinion about your labor and birth. Why people feel like they get input on someone else’s medical procedure just because it is a birth is BEYOND ME. At no point during my labor when I was debating pain relief was I like “you know who would know what I should do right now is my mother-in-law, give me the phone and we’ll see what she recommends”.
My husband has a v big head (like, the hats for his little league team wouldn’t squeeze onto his noggin so he had to wear adult hats) so I was also worried about giving birth. My baby has a big head (90th percentile-ish) and I gave birth vaginally and unmedicated and it was as fine as those things ever are. But that is me and my body and my baby and yours might be totally different and that is FINE.
And really, there aren’t any unnatural births. However the baby gets out will be just fine.
At the end of the day the goal is to get the baby out of your body in a way that works best for both you and the baby, and there is nothing wrong or “lesser” about having a c-section to get that done. Do what works best for you and your pregnancy.
I hope that your mom and MIL back the hell off, because that kind of stuff is just unhelpful and unnecessary, additional stress in an already stressful time.
C-sections aren’t the end of the world. You gotta do what you gotta do. I know a number of people who had c-sections after a stalled labor. Almost universally, they have said the same thing as your mother in law… that it worked fine.
Story time– I, too, have a very large head, and my wife was similarly worried when our daughter was born. For a moment there, things stalled for a few minutes while the baby’s head seemed to get stuck at the pelvic floor. The midwife had my wife and I do some stretches where I supported her and she moved and repositioned the baby, and all of a sudden we were back on track. In the end, there were no complications at all, and it all worked out perfectly. Maybe, like your mother in law, a medical intervention will prove necessary at the last minute; but there’s a very good chance that, even if the baby is large of noggin, they’ll be just fine without it. But either way, try not to worry. It’s your body, your baby, and your family. Do what’s right for you.
I had two scheduled c-sections. They’re fine and you might even be able to geek out on wikipedia and figure out what famous misandrists have birthdays around the probable day and pick out a birth date. Which is a nice compensation for WE DID EVERYTHING THE CRUNCHIEST WAY, really. I was up and walking the next day and able to carry around the baby within the week and healing was no big deal. (First kid was breech, I could have tried for VBAC the second time but decided not to.)
I think it will come down to what your OB is cool with. I’d discuss it with her: whether you want to do a trial of labor and if so, how you will decide how much is too much. This is actually a pretty good way to find out if you and your OB are on the same page, and switch if you don’t get good listening and analysis that makes sense to you.
You are not insane!
Sean says: There is a strange purity thing about childbirth and C-sections afloat in the world right now, and I really get it because I, too, had this thing when I started the whole motherhood process 7 years ago. I was dedicated to natural childbirth, I wanted to even avoid an epidural if I could. And yet I ended up having two C-sections (our daughter was breech, our son went to 41 weeks and my OB wasn’t willing to induce labour after the first C-section) and they were both /just fine/. I had wonderful childbirth experiences.
IMO, the goal of childbirth is healthy baby, healthy mom, and if a C-section is what makes that happen, then a C-section is a great thing & I am profoundly grateful to be living in a place & time in which they can be done safely. So you know what? If you think a C-section is the safest way to get your baby into the world, that is between you & your OB, and the people giving you dirty looks have absolutely no say in this matter and should be told politely and firmly to quiet down about your body and your choices.
Support you doing whatever seems best for you. I can understand feeling like it’d be better to go in prepared emotionally for a c-section (because it IS a big deal) than have to deal with it after being in labor/pain/stress for hours and hours and not having a whole lot of spoons to cope with this big deal, without preparation.
I’m wondering though — and I’m not a doctor or a midwife, only a doula-in-training — if there’s something to be said for manners of giving birth/common practices back when your MIL was birthing your husband? I’m not sure of either of your ages but I know things were WAY different back then and your MIL may have been pressured into a c-section, when more time or support from her medical staff might have allowed her to progress better? (might be you have a fear based on older practices and things have changed)
AGAIN, I 105% support you doing whatever feels best for you, without needing to rationalize WHY to anyone. You are the one birthing and it is your body that baby is coming out of, so what you want matters the most.
As my lovely ultrasound technician told me, they always come out one way or another! Unfortunately, medical technology is not super great at highly accurate late term measurements, and they don’t really have a great way of telling how much room you have for the baby since it’s largely down to your skeleton, so predicting whether the baby will fit or not is down to a fair bit of guesswork, as far as I understand. I’d probably just start talking with my ob about the scenarios: vaginal birth, labor followed by unscheduled c-section, and scheduled c-section. Hopefully with more info you and your ob come up with a plan that you’re both good with- everyone else is irrelevant to the process whether they realize it or not. You’re doing a good job! Asking questions is good, exploring options is good, there is no one true way, no matter what people seem to think.
Your doctor will give you all the information you need to help make that decision! I’ve had 3 kids of my own, all natural, and my DH’s giant head didn’t make any difference. I also know people who’ve had emergency c-sections and at that point, the goal is to get the baby out and to keep you healthy. Any delivery that ends with a healthy mom and a healthy baby is a good delivery! Don’t worry about the rest of it.
They are being absurd, girl. Have the birth you need to have. Going into it paralyzed with fear having been pressured into something you didn’t want because you are convinced it won’t work is Very Bad and will make vaginal birth even more insanely hard even if it is possible.
There are specialists in complicated or at-risk pregnancies and births who are damn near wizards with an ultrasound. Find one. Consult. See if they think vaginal birth is an option and good for you and the baby. Talk to some midwives, too. Breech babies can be delivered vaginally, despite what people say, it just takes knowledge and experience, and most OBs are so wary of malpractice lawsuits they immediately go to C-section. Your situation might be totally viable in the right hands. I had a 9.5 pound baby vaginally, while suffering from severe SPD. I also changed docs at 36 weeks because I didn’t like what I was hearing and wanted a second opinion. *shrug*
Get some facts and opinions from experts who do this daily, then do what YOU need to do. It’s YOUR body and YOUR baby, and screw what anyone else’s layperson opinion is. having had one or two or six babies does not make any person an expert. When they have delivered a thousand or so, they can sit at this particular the table. Get more info. Make the choice that works for *you*.
In my own opinion, there are a lot of good reasons for vaginal delivery, C-sections were overused in a very bad way that continued a tradition of massively disempowering women and devaluing women’s bodies. But in the right circumstance, they are a beautiful, life-saving tool that means you and baby are united in the quickest, safest way possible and everyone is getting the care they need. I wouldn’t hesitate if I felt it was the right thing to do. There is so much truly harmful stigma attached to every possible way to do something for your pregnancy, delivery, or parenting. It’s ridiculous. The best choice you can make is the one that makes you most confident and most capable.
And a word to the wise, if you get a C-section, make sure you have the care you need. Recovery can be a breeze but it can also be very hardcore and you might want someone who isn’t silently saying “I told you so” around to have your back and take care of you afterwards.
You can do this!! It will be okay. *hug*
It’s your body, your birth, your decision. I would absolutely have an elective C-section if I were to get pregnant again. I’m glad I had my vaginal birth the first time, because it helped with some complicated body issues, but the birth is the least important part of motherhood, the least fulfilling, in many ways the least difficult. Choose what you want and save your energy for when you’ll need it.
And I don’t know if this is of any comfort, but I had an absolutely enormous head as a baby – like 99th percentile – and I was born absolutely fine, no problems, and my baby had a normal sized head.
Solidarity my friend! I am not pregnant, we are not even trying, but people are already coming at us with all the things we should and should not do:
1. You MUST have more than one child
2. You MUST co sleep and do ALL attachment parenting things ALL the time
3. No refined sugars ever, otherwise obesity
4. If you don’t breastfeed your baby you are monster and should be burned at the stake.
And these lovely tidbits are always followed up with “But why aren’t you guys trying yet? What are you so worried about.
Do what is best for you and your body and your child. You are GROWING A HUMAN, you call the shots. I am working on the strength to be able to resist this. Some background: I am a sexual assault survivor who also suffered from an eating disorder for 10+ years. It took me a long time to be able to reclaim my body as being none of other people’s business. Pregnancy scares the willies out of me because suddenly people seem to think they can talk about/dictate/touch your body like it is their own. It is not. It is still your body. And it is still none of anyone else’s business.
Rant Over.
Oh my god, stop talking to either of them! (Probably not feasible.)
Other people have covered some good points, but I want to throw this out there: your mother-in-law may be misrepresenting the circumstances of your husband’s birth, either through confusion or because it is better family folklore to talk about his HUGE HEAD than it is to talk about the complexity of any given birth. I don’t doubt that some baby somewhere just had a head SO BIG it couldn’t make it out, and maybe it was your husband, but in 30 years or so, his head size may have gained in the telling.
With my daugher, my OB kept telling me at my last few appointments how big her head was (in the 99th percentile – she gets that from her dad) and I wound up not having to get a c-section. Maybe it also had something to do with your MIL’s anatomy and not so much the head size maybe?? I know it’s scary though!! Every time we go for a sonogram for the current one, he’s always breech and I’m like, turn around baby!!!
I brought up the idea of a birth plan and my wonderful OB kindly and gently laughed at me. As she should have done.
My OB’s perspective was healthy Mom / healthy baby – that is the goal. Everything else is details.
So I would say be aware of the kind of things that can happen, without pre deciding or pre judging any particular path to birth itself.
And however the birth happens – own that shit. You are a badass momma who made a whole human being from scratch! Good luck – you are going to do great!
Just to add to the chorus: you do you. You are certainly not alone in preferring a c-section to a vaginal delivery, and as long as your doctor is cool with it, no one else’s input really matters (and, in any event, is probably based more on a gut feeling and something they read on the internet than science/medical practice).
But also remember that you don’t owe anyone explanations of your decisions, not even your mom/MIL. You can tell them what you’ve decided, they don’t have to be part of your decision making process. They don’t even have to know it’s a decision, or that you have any other options – you can say “our doctor thinks thinks a c-section is safer for me and the baby than going into labor.” And if the conversations are stressing you out, I bet your doctor would absolve you of any guilt you feel about telling a small white lie. (My sister actually didn’t tell her MIL that her c-section was planned for this exact reason – they just texted her on the way to the hospital and said “in labor, can’t talk but will call when we have news!”)
It’s hard enough to make what feels like huge decisions, you shouldn’t have to manage the moms’ inappropriate investment in your vagina.
Ok, so your Mom and MIL can mind their own business on this. A C-section, emergency or planned, does not mean you have failed in any way. Totally agree with everyone else that you should talk to your doctor about all of this and get your questions answered.
Also, babies’ heads are squishy! Well, not squishy exactly, but when babies are born, their skull bones are somewhat flexible and are also not fused together. So they can have what is called molding, where their head changes shape in response to the pressures of delivery. This is why babies with really big heads can be born vaginally. The weird head shape gradually goes back to normal over the course of a couple of weeks. The skull bones gradually fuse together over the first year of the baby’s life.
This is a great explanation of the process: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stag…
I also highly recommend that website for general baby- and kid-related questions. Best of luck with your pregnancy and delivery!
ETA: I’m a pediatrician, which is why I have random facts about newborn babies’ heads at my fingertips.
Oh, also! Some belated news on the Hamilton and podcast-related fronts: you’ve all listened to the Leslie Odom, Jr. episode of NPR’s Ask Me Another (Apr. 21, 2016), right? He is DELIGHTFUL.
http://www.npr.org/2016/04/15/475114117/leslie-od…
I am sad today because Alexander Hamiltree, the sapling my kiddo brought home for Earth Day, got obliterated by our lawn service.
In retrospect, I should have a) put a little fence around it, and b) not expected longevity from a tree named Alexander Hamiltree.
Oh no! Although I love the mental image of a tiny sapling with a fence around and a little plaque reading “Alexander Hamiltree.” Maybe for Alexander Hamiltree II?
Alexander Hamiltree. My name is Alexander Hamiltree…
Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it just takes and it takes and it takes…
(I am genuinely sad for your little tree!)
Alexander Hamiltree, we are waiting in the yard for youuuuu…
This drove kiddo nuts, because she just wanted to name it Alexander, and Spouse and I ran with it.
The commemorative plaque could explain the sad fate of Alexander Hamiltree I!!
Two VERY important questions!
1. With the Toast closing, are we ever going to find out the identity of the Bartender? Does everyone else know this and I don’t?
2. A total shot in the dark: Are any Toasties headed to the BWWC in Athens, GA next week? I am going alone and would love to meet up if you are headed there too. I can’t imagine anything better than discussing the Toast and Brit Lit with a like-minded Toasticle!
I was here for like a YEAR before it occurred to me to ask who The Bartender is. I would never have guessed in a million years.
The mystery continues! I have all these half-baked ideas about who it could be, but none that are complete enough to share. I want to know before I die, please.
I’m still wondering, too! I DID notice that Nikki/Nicole Chung posted it today, instead of the Bartender, the same week that Nicole Cliffe happens to be on leave in Canada. Coincidence? Conspiracy?
hmm that is suspicious…I thought that the Bartender lived in New York and recently had a baby, but perhaps the true Bartender is giving inaccurate clues!
The Bartender will stop at nothing.
The BWWC sounds amazing. I wish I lived in Georgia, I would totally go!
it’s the 18th and 19th Century British Women Writers Conference — I went last year and had so much fun and learned so much that I had to go again this year, despite not being in a grad program or having any funding to go.
I kinda feel like we could learn the Bartender’s name and still not be any wiser, unless she is famous.
I bet the bartender login is passed around… it’s everybody.
YES I need to know who The Bartender is!! Here are my theories:
a) Utah Nicole’s husband
b) Mallory’s sister
c) Mallory’s dad
(in my mind The Nicoles are Beach Nicole and Utah Nicole)
Yes! I want to know who the Bartender is!!
The Bartender is Gossip Girl.
Rochester, NY Toasties! PaisleyLo and I are organizing a meetup Friday June 24th at 7:30pm at Butapub. Hope you can make it!!!
I no longer live in Rachacha, but I will be there in spirit!
I’m in La California (having escaped the brick caverns for a brief period), but I will also be there in spirit!
Had a bunch of test results come back in as “normal and benign,” which is a great way to start a holiday weekend. Huzzah!
This is a Good Thing. *~**confetti**~*
Oh that is THE BEST NEWS!!
I sometimes confuse benign and benevolent, but then it seems to still fit! Enjoy your good health and benevolence!
Final update on this week’s job saga. I turned down the offer today.
I had a chat with my COO about my ideas for how my role can develop and the reception was really positive. After discussing with work crush regarding how management would receive negotiation based on an offer I decided not to push the money thing just now (the company isn’t doing great just at present and there have been a glut of people leaving). I told them in all honesty that I had had an offer (but said I had been approached) and that I wasn’t going to take it.
It’s a good time for this since we are just setting our objectives for the next year and having performance reviews etc, so a great time for me to set a new course. I’m feeling good.
Very glad to hear this – I read your earlier comments and the situation seemed super delicate/stressful. Great job to you for handling it so well too!
Thanks! In the end I didn’t so much handle it as take a lot of advice and not say as much as my big mouth probably would have if I hadn’t had such great advisors! Work crush: excellent career advisor, terrible crush.
Friends, I am writing to you from the garbage can because I accidentally cosplayed a Minion today.
Thank God you don’t have to wear goggles at work. OR DO YOU.
NOT TODAY THANKFULLY but I do have to wear safety glasses a lot if I’m in the field! SPARED.
YOUR FACE
laurel did you see the tweet threads it devolved into CHAOS
nooooo i haven’t been on twitter too much, i’ll go look!
oh my god the pure and total defeat on your face.
I am so glad you posted this here, you and this picture and this thread are a gift.
my sister is the real MVP with her Existential Dread Minions
Your jumper is just adorable, BTW.
Thank you! It’s from the Sprinkle of Glitter collection for SimplyBe, I’m so happy it exists!
I love everything about this photo.
Your FACE. I cried.
In your inadvertent suffering may you give joy to many.
(This comment took a good two minutes to type and I am still laughing.)
I am so so sorry for crying laughing at this, but thank you for this gift.
I’m sorry for laughing as hard as I did at this but oh my god I love everything about this picture. Your face, the outfit, everything. Thank you.
I may have tweeted “please don’t let me end up on Buzzfeed,” so at least my misery is entertaining!
I LOVE THISSSSSSSSS
omfg
Your face is KILLING me here, you look adorable and I am certainly not laughing at you, Minion cosplay or no, but I am laughing at how you have somehow managed to make :C into a viable facial expression.
No no, this is a situation where laughing AT me is totally acceptable. As long as I don’t run around screaming “BANANA” I think I’m safe.
PODCAST thread! Let me know what you’re listening to these days, especially women-led shows. I recommend The Bright Sessions, a great fictional podcast about a therapist specializing in people with supernatural powers.
I also want to mention my own funny, educational, boozy new podcast that I think you all would love. It’s Spirits: A Drunken Dive into Myths and Legends. My best friend (cheesemonger, historian, mythology lover) and I drink and discuss a different story, legend, or folklore tale each week. Episodes are short, funny, and filled with geeky references y’all will like.
In our nine episodes so far we’ve covered classical mythology (Persephone & Hades), new-to-us tales (Celtic kelpies & selkies, Korean goddesses, Phillipine ghouls), and local folklore (Bigfoot and the Applachian Tailypo [aka the Sphinx of West Virginia]). We’re growing fast, preparing to approach sponsors, and trying to meet a fundraising goal on Patreon, so I’d love love love to get some of you on board <3
The Jackie and Laurie Show – Jackie Kashian & Laurie Kilmartin are two stand-up comedians who talk about the business, and it ends up being a lot about being a woman in the world as well.
2 Dope Queens – Jessica Williams and Phoebe Robinson host a stand-up show, not all of them are women, but they do a pretty good job of getting sexually and racially diverse people on the show.
I also have a few others with female panelists – Throwing Shade (we take a weekly look at all the issues important to ladies…and gays, and treat them with much less respect than they deserve) and Pop Rocket (kind of like Pop Culture Happy Hour, they’ve got a black woman, a white woman, a gay man and an Asian man on the panel).
I’ll eagerly await the other comments here since I’m really trying to diversify. I skew heavily to comedy and pop culture podcasts, and those can be white dude city.
I just discovered Song Exploder and I am in love! Each week an artist talks about the process of writing one of their songs – the inspiration for it, the lyrics, the instruments used, etc. They almost always have a producer chime in to talk about production choices. Sometimes they play early demos. It’s so great! The episodes are short, too – only 12 minutes long, which I find a nice manageable length. They have episodes for Carly Rae Jepsen, Sylvan Esso, the Postal Service, Clipping (that’s the experimental rap group featuring Daveed Diggs), Courtney Barnett, and so many other good artists. It’s just bonkers interesting.
That’s not really on the topic of women-led shows, but I’ve just been so excited since stumbling upon it last week.
My favorite women-led podcast right now is Stuff You Missed in History Class. I also like the extremely weird Baby Geniuses, where comedian Emily Heller (she wrote those hilarious sketches at the Independent Spirit Awards! With Kate McKinnon spoofing Carol!) and artist Lisa Hanawalt (she does the art direction for BoJack Horseman!) just chat a lot, mostly. It took me a while to get into it, but it kind of feels like being a part of a goofy conversation with two weird friends.
Song Exploder is my very favorite podcast! It’s such a smart use of audio, and it helps non-music people like me hear all the layers in a song.
Adding love for Baby Geniuses! Had a wee twitter back-and-forth with Lisa re. shower belly last week and it was one of the better things to have have happened to me lately.
Shower Belly is maybe my favorite thing to happen on that podcast since I started listening.
Another Round – love this one and with I could be real life friends with Heben & Tracy.
Garbage Time podcast with Katie Nolan – sports podcast, but from a lady?? I just love that she makes Beyonce references, discusses stuff like Rent the Runway, or hair and make-up while still being a badass who knows her sports shit.
Not women-led, but the guest lists is about 50/50: Denzel Washington is the greatest actor of all time period (yes this podcast is about Denzel movies, but also about diversity in hollywood and such issues).
but mostly I’m still waiting for more episodes of Mystery Show with Starlee Kine.
#Denzealot! That’s one of the many things I love about the podcast is that it goes beyond just reviewing the films. All the things they talk about regarding diversity is great.
WHEN will Mystery Show come back??
maybe that was the real mystery all along
I’m not sure if you’re into Hamilton at all, but I saw Tracey and Heben got to hang out with Daveed Diggs last night and do shots out of his Grammy and I will spend eternity being simultaneously consumed with jealousy and overwhelming pride.
I started listening to the Black Tapes’ sister show, Tanis, last week. I am now out of episodes to listen to and am DISTRAUGHT.
I love The Black Tapes, but I feel like I love Tanis more? Mostly because of the MK character, I think? Also the House of Leaves element (which, I did not like a lot of House of Leaves as a book, but as a concept? Enthralled).
I loved the first season of The Black Tapes but this season keeps falling flat for me. I think the dialogue between Alex and her co-worker (is it Paul?) gets so flat these days. Oy. I’m not giving up on it though.
I feel similarly. It’s still good, but something feels off. The two month break they recently took definitely didn’t help either, just killed the momentum. Which sucks, because I know it probably was for a very good reason, but with serialized stories like this, it’s real easy to lose your immersion in a world.
Limetown is another good one if you like the Black Tapes, but it doesn’t last long 🙁
I recently downloaded the first episodes for a bunch of podcasts I found recommended on the subreddit for the Pacific Northwest Story, so will see if any of those pan out.
LOVE Limetown, probably more than The Black Tapes. The producers apparently have a deal to write a pilot script based on Limetown, so that’s what they’re working on, instead of more episodes to fill the gaping hole in my heart where it lives.
I am here for this thread – I’ve been binging on the back catalog of We Hate Movies and it’s starting to wear thin. Finding good podcasts is tough! I tried Sideways Thinking this week but it felt a bit rough, kind of unrehearsed or something.
If anyone is animation/graphic design inclined, I discovered one called Animalators that is good but pretty niche. I also just downloaded a couple episodes of a true crime one called Sword and Scale, but haven’t listened yet.
I’ve been enjoying The History Chicks, The Longest Shortest Time (for those with children or are children inclined), and The Message
The MESSAGE though
My favorite podcasts tend to be about either books or pop culture (or, preferably, both!). Some of my favorites are Extra Hot Great (by the people who founded Television Without Pity and are now behind Previously.tv), Appointment Television, and Overdue.
This week I added Strong Opinions Loosely Held to my list – it’s a short feminist culture-y podcast from Refinery 29. They’ve only released three episodes so far, all under 20 minutes, and I’m into it. Topics so far: women’s voices, Instagram perfectionism, and the Kardashian Industrial Komplex.
Another vote for Another Round and for more episodes of Mystery Show.
Also love Call Your Girlfriend with Ann Friedman & Aminatou Sow (who guested on Another Round this week).
Métis in Space is Chelsea Vowel and Molly Swain (super cool Indigenous activist/scholars) reviewing sci-fi movies & tv shows that feature Indigenous story lines.
Retail Nightmares is Alica Tobin and Jessica Deslile (Vancouver based comedian and musician respectively) who interview another comedian/musician about the shitty retail/customer service jobs they’ve worked.
Not ladies, but I love Graham and Dave who host Stop Podcasting Yourself where talk talk to other comedians and the new very charming Our Debut Album where they attempt to write a hit song in an hour.
Ohhh!!!! I can’t wait to listen. Everything I need!
SOMEONE RECOMMEND PODCASTS TO ME. I am sick of trying out new podcasts and it always being tons of dudes. I listen to about a billion podcasts, but these came to mind…
Overinvested: Two nerdy ladies I follow on tumblr talk about pop culture things (EXCELLENT).
2 Dope Queens: Someone already recommended them, but I’ll second it!
Popcorn and Prosecco: Three women review movies. A movie savvy friend of mine turned me on to them, they’re delightful and I appreciate when they disagree.
Strong Opinions Loosely Held: Brand new, but the episode “Just Shut Up” about how much criticism there is of the way women speak was great.
That sounds fantastic, I’m going to listen today!
I like Lore, Science For The People, and Women at Warp (feminism & Star Trek).
For anyone that likes horror movies and isn’t familiar with it yet, Faculty of Horror is my favorite. I caught up to them probably 6 months ago so now have to impatiently wait a month in between eps 🙁
My favourite at the moment is Jay and Miles X-plain the X-men which is truly hilarious even if you have only the vaguest understanding of the comics. Did you know that the first time Wolverine was addressed as Logan it was by a bunch of leprechauns? I mean it will also make you angry about how the films have consistently fucked over the female characters but eh.
My latest obsession is Alice Isn’t Dead, written by one of the creators of Welcome to Night Vale. The woman who stars is also a WTNV cast member, and she is *phenomenal*.
Agreed! The show needed a bit to find its pace, but now it’s going really great places. Weird and subtle existential horror and not so subtle horror.
SRSLY is a pop culture podcast hosted by two lovely English ladies that I greatly enjoy.
If you like dogs I recommend Can I Pet Your Dog?. Hosted by two very cheerful gals that love gushing about dogs as much as I do.
I second the recommendations for 2 Dope Queens, Another Round, and the Jackie and Laurie Show! I also really enjoy The Read (with Kid Fury and Crisle West), Mmhmm Girl, Unfriendly Black Hotties (they are very friendly and recently did a great episode on female friendships in pop culture), the Dormtainment Podcast (6 black guys in a comedy sketch group talk about their lives and regularly get deep), For Colored Nerds, Black Girls Talking, #Good Muslim Bad Muslim (wonderful episode recently on cultural and family differences around body hair), and American Desis. Also there’s one called #hoochim that I intend to start listening to soon (hosted by four Hmong-American women talking about their experiences). All of these have healthy back catalogs.
@yesstitchyes !!!!
https://www.instagram.com/yesstitchyes/
i cannot recommend highly enough. i don’t even do embroidery and she’s easily my favorite instagram account; i would unfollow my best friend before i unfollowed her.
The Renaissance English History Podcast is my current binge, and one of the few non-sausage fest history podcasts (others: “History Chicks,” “History, Bitches,” and “The History of the Crusades”). Its catalogue is a really good mix of straightforward narrative history episodes along with haring-off-into-the-historiographical-bushes episodes on childbirth, religion, the theater, witchcraft, ghosts (WITCHCRAFT AND GHOSTS YOU GUYS), fashion, holidays, the development of the iron industry in the Weald (no, shut up, it’s actually fascinating), and what have you.
It’s only two episodes old, but I’m absolutely FASCINATED by the premise of “Harry Potter and the Sacred Text.” It’s two divinity students (one woman, one man) going through a chapter of HP a week and treating it as a sacred text. Not that they’re literally claiming that it’s inspired or revealed or anything, but doing their best to apply religious interpretive practices to it (like, for the first chapter they did Lectio Divina) and seeing where that takes them. I expect I will either really love it or really hate it, and so far I’m leaning towards the former.
Criminal, hosted by Pheobe Judge is… hard to describe. It’s definitely a child of the This American Life school of journalism, with stories formed around curated interviews bookended by narration. Their thing is crime, but it’s completely unlike any crime show I’ve ever watched/listened to. They focus on the unexpected reasons for and results of crime. Like they talked to one guy who took an unusual approach to stopping illegal garbage dumping in front of his property, with unexpected and oddly touching results. They talked to the nation’s foremost courtroom sketch artist. And a police diver, who recovers sunken bodies and evidence. A woman who helps carry out assisted suicides. A married couple who became obsessed with a cold case from the 1950’s and uncovered a weird story of secret identities that they then turned into a (barely) fictionalized novel. That sort of thing, except none of those things are even vaguely like the others so there isn’t really a single thing for them to be a sort of. What I’m saying is, the stories are very eclectic so I’m not sure how to describe it except to say that it almost always manages to surprise me, and also is a very low-stress listen for a show about crime (they tend to go for a “quietly fascinated” approach rather than high sensation and drama). Usually, anyway.
The Arkham Sessions is a podcast where Psychologist Andrea Letamendi and some dude she knows talk about Batman the Animated Series, one episode of the show per podcast episode. It’s called “the Arkham Sessions” because Dr. Letamendi tries to psychoanalyze the various characters, usually focusing on one pathology/disorder/psychology thing per episode. They get pretty deep into it, with each podcast episode averaging an hour to cover a 20 minute TV episode. I haven’t actually seen about 1/3rd of the episodes they cover, but they recap as they go so that hasn’t been a problem.
Back to say I listened to your Norse episode and really enjoyed! +1 subscriber
Hi Toasties! I was planning on delurking later in the summer to get advice on this but I’m moving it up. I’m moving to San Francisco in August for grad school and I’d love some advice on fun things to do! I’m expecting that I’ll be pretty sad and lonely for a while since I’m leaving a great life and friends on the east coast so in particular I’d love suggestions about good places to go and explore alone so I can keep myself distracted as I adjust. Or general thoughts about San Francisco would be awesome. Thanks!
San Francisco is awesome. You’re going to have a great time. Here are a couple things in SF I think everyone should know about:
– Gypsy Jazz night every Wednesday at Amnesia in the Mission
– You will hear that Mission Chinese Food is overrated, it is not. Eat everything there.
– Every Thursday the Academy of Sciences is open late on Thursday and has bars/a DJ. It’s a great party.
– Go see any band that sounds remotely interesting to you at Bottom of the Hill and the Rickshaw Stop. Those venues have great taste.
– Walk around Bernal Hill at night. It’s a hidden gem.
– You will arrive just before Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. Make sure you go to at least part of it. Friday night at Conor Oberst’s stage is a can’t miss.
These look awesome, thanks!
We are switching lives! I’m moving to the east coast from SF for grad school this August.
Housing sucks – don’t let it get you down, and give it time. Depending on where you are going to school, can I recommend the Sunset and Richmond districts as underrated gems with slightly lower rents and as much nature as you could want? I’ve lived in a dirt-baggy-but-wonderful co-op near the beach for the cheapest rent of everyone I know for the last three years. And it’s on the beach!
The nature! And the open container laws! I spend so many of my happy hours /weekend nights drinking and watching the sunset at: Sutro Baths – old ruins of early 1900’s bathhouses on the water, Mile Rock Beach, Marshall Beach – historically gay nude beach under the Golden Gate, Tank Hill – rugged hill overlooking all of the city, and the docks by the Ferry Building watching the boats come and go.
All those sound amazing, thanks so much! Definitely bookmarking all those links below! I’m planning on looking in the sunset, it’s close to where I’ll be in school and the “cheapness” is enticing. Any other housing advice? My plan is to come out about 3 weeks before school and go to all the places on Craigslist looking for a room.
I think that timeline shows appropriate respect for the hustle involved. I found my housing on the “Bay Area Conscious Community Housing” Facebook group, but it was also listed on Craigslist.
If it doesn’t send you into a panic, reach out to every broad network you have in a month or so -mentioning to everyone you know, posting in your college alumni group, , or any community you belong to etc. You might get invited to check out a place by people who don’t want to post on craigslist. Successful examples I’ve heard include a post in a national bike/volunteer service FB group, posting an ad at a rock climbing gym, Reddit (lol) and a bunch of “my mom’s college friend’s niece had an opening” type of thing. Work those weak ties!
Heck, maybe a Toastie will have an opening!
Starting out in the Sunset is a great start though. Also look up Green Apple Books in the neighborhood.
Awesome, this is super helpful! People have mostly just been doom and gloom about how awful the housing is, which I know but not helpful at all.
If you happen to be going to Boston or NYC I’d be happy to return the favor with advice 🙂
What kinds of things do you like to do? SF has tons of museums, tons of food, tons of shopping, Golden Gate park which is ginormous, the ocean is right there, depending on time/transit you can go north and tour wineries, go across the Bay and hang out in Berkeley, go down the peninsula and, uh, admire the Google campus… help me narrow down the options!
I love walking/hiking, food, cafes, museums, bookstores. Good places to escape to, especially outside. Thank you!
There are amazing hikes in the east bay (Wildcat Canyon, Tilden Park) and Marin (the Headlands, Muir Woods, Stinson Beach, Point Reyes…pretty much everywhere in Marin has great hiking) but even within the city you can get some good wildlife-y areas. I love the hike around Land’s End to Sutro Baths, or walking on Ocean Beach (which gets very crowded on sunny weekends but otherwise is usually surprisingly empty, especially as you go south from the park). One of my favorite areas is Glen Canyon, which is small but beautiful; you walk along the bottom of the canyon and you would never guess that you’re in the middle of an urban area. As for cafes and bookstores, I think this is one of the best cities in the world for both. There are cafes EVERYWHERE. Go to Tartine in the Mission; it’s ridiculously overhyped but somehow actually worth the wait (try to get there before 9 or on a weekday; otherwise the line wraps around the block). City Lights is a great bookstore on the edge of Chinatown, though it’s always a little overrun with tourists for my taste; my favorite bookstores are Dog Eared Books and Alley Cat Books (both in Mission). The SF library is also fantastic; they have agreements with libraries around the state so you can get pretty much any book you could possibly think of through them. If you’re venturing to the East Bay, Half Priced Books, Fantastic Comics, and Pegasus Books are also awesome. I think the best part of living in San Francisco, though, is exploring your own neighborhood–pretty much any area you live in will have its own food, cafes, museums, bookstores, and parks, lots of them quirky and wonderful in unexpected ways.
One other piece of advice I would give you is try to live in the sunny part of the city if you can. The general rule is that anything east of Divisadero is sunny, and west is foggy. It can really make a difference to your mood to have sun most days vs. fog and cold.
Anyway, welcome to SF, and I hope you love it here!
SF bookstores are so my jam.
SEconding Fantastic Comics, they’re great. And they have a super cool women’s comic club that I keep missing because of weekend plans. If comics are your thing, Comix Experience is in the city proper, and have monthy trivia and also Ladies’ nights, which I tend to hit more regularly.
If you’re into sci-fi, fantasy, or mystery, Borderlands Books in the mission is my favorite bookstore. They do a ton of author signings and events, and are super friendly. There’s also a cafe, which can be a nice place to hang out during the day.
For outdoor stuff, aside from Land’s End, Golden Gate park is always fun to wander around, and there’s a ton of different areas in there (I recommend going to the bison paddock!). The Presidio in the north of the city is also huge and has several different museums to check out, and I think gets a fair number of seasonal exhibits. I also recommend going to the Embarcadero and wandering along the bay. It’s pretty touristy, but on a nice day there’s almost always great people watching and lots of free street entertainment.
Seconding Borderlands! I have been there for lots of author events, and it is always a fun time. The staff there are also really really helpful and great.
My favorite thing to do is get a burrito at La Taqueria, then head over to Borderlands. Dolores Park around there is also really pretty, and a good place to read in the sun 🙂
San Francisco is the best place, and the most expensive.
Go down to the beach a lot, and make many visits to the Exploratorium. Hijack a child if you need cover, but you can go just on your own, it’s that awesome.
Actually, let me empower you via links
SF Fun Cheap – links to millions of events daily http://sf.funcheap.com
BA Hiker – detail oriented master lady hiker tells you all you need to know about everywhere. All those crowdsource hiking websites (looking at you everytrail.com) have nothing on her.
7by7 runs a little bougie for my taste, but I must admire its unrestrained consumerist glee
Also, if you want to learn more facts about San Francisco history the books City of Cool Grey Love and Season of the Witch, while not perfect, are both very informative and pretty narrative accounts of San Francisco.
Also the podcast 99% Invisible, about design, is based here and features some good SF lore
Big time yes to all of these. I loved those books so much. SF Fun Cheap is what I use all the time for people trying to entertain guests or find something great to do on the weekends.
I don’t know very much (visited my sister while she was there doing a postdoc at UCSF) but I mostly remember the amazing food…. So much brunch. Also, Muir Woods is beautiful and most of the museums have free or late entry on certain days. Good luck!
Wooooo SF! Wooooo grad school! There’s a bay area toasties facebook group here if you want to join, as well as an active bay area slack channel if you’re on slack. I’m a grad student living in the sunset, so feel free to ping me if you want – I’m mmsees on twitter and slack.
People are giving great suggestions so far. I did the move out about a month in advance to look for craigslist housing (it worked out for me) and just spend a TON of time walking and wandering around the city. I found the fairly undirected wandering a great way to get to know the city, so I would recommend it.
Speaking of weddings, where do you shop (in person) for wedding-appropriate dresses? How formal are summer weddings? Looking to not spend too too much but I want something cute.
Dress Barn… inexpensive, and considerably more stylish options than the name implies.
Sometimes Banana Republic Factory or J Crew Factory outlets, Loft, or similar places; all hit or miss.
I feel like this should be an official part of Dress Barn’s name. Dress Barn: Considerably More Stylish Than Our Name Implies.
Seconding Dress Barn! I bought my favourite dress ever there (comfy, royal blue, 3/4 sleeves, good for weddings and offices and all kinds of things), and I wish we had them in Canada.
I linked to this dress in my own comment below, but I’ll share it for you here anyway: dress. I wore the green in the large size to a wedding this past weekend got a ton of compliments, and I wasn’t hot at all! I’m a size 14/16, and I think (think) I could have fit in a medium, since the fabric is stretchy.
Nordstrom Rack. I think I purchased all of my wedding guest dresses there.
WRT formality – depends on the wedding, generally if (most of) it is outside you can be more casual but I’ve been to very formal weddings in the summer. Can you find out what the bridesmaids are wearing for dresses and shoes? That could be a good guide.
I think it also depends on geography. Southern California is super casual for everything, but YMMV if you’re somewhere else. I’d want to know roughly where the wedding was just to be safe.
Yes, and even regionally it can vary a lot. There are places and venues where a flowered sundress is perfect and others where a formal evening gown would not be too much. Definitely inquire.
A good area of fudge is knee- or tea-length with a low neck in a fancyish fabric (crepe is good, or a not-too-thin jersey), with a wrap if you don’t have sleeves. Avoid black unless it is the Northeast, and always avoid white. Adjust jewelry and shoe formality to the occasion and time of day. Wear a great hat or fascinator if you have one.
I got my last wedding-attendance dress at Kohl’s. However, Kohl’s is a nonsensically laid-out monstrosity when it comes to shopping in person, so I would try online shopping over walking into one.
I know you said in-person, but just in case you’re flexible on that, I am all about buying all formal wear from eBay (you can often even find something that you tried on at anthro or j crew). People usually wear formal stuff once or twice before they’re bored of it/it doesn’t fit/purge it for some other reason so it’s in good shape and they just want to get rid of it, so it’s often crazy cheap. I have bought so many dresses for $20 that retailed for $200+.
I always hit up Ross first. You definitely have to do some physical searching, but they often have like Calvin Klein dresses. My mom has found both her dresses for my siblings’ weddings at Burlington Coat Factory. Department stores like Kohl’s/Macys/JC Penneys are good too.
I spent 3-5 hours on amazon shopping for something to wear to a wedding and found a few good options for myself. I’m largely posting this to state that this is the first time I have spent that much time shopping online sober ever (gold star, please). Also, there’s the added bonus of unexpected mis-categorization like the rubber sex unitard for men that I came across.
Consignment shops and Goodwill. The latter takes a little more patience, but I’ve found designer cocktail dresses there for a couple bucks. The former can be better curated (for instance, if you live near Boston, Buffalo Exchange and Second Time Around are always solid) but cost more.
Formality- it depends on the wedding. I usually try to go with something that I could imagine wearing at a nice garden party.
Night weddings/receptions are usually more formal than afternoon ones.
When in doubt, I ask a few friends what they plan on wearing and we try to match our level of formalness. Then we get to band together and pretend that everyone else is appallingly over/under dressed and wonder how they didn’t get the memo instead of feeling like we are the ones who are not quite right.
I’ve been hunting aggressively on eBay, but part of the challenge is knowing about what size you are in a given designer/brand. On the other foot, though, now I have an amazing dress for my friend’s wedding at 25% of the original price.
I have had good luck at NY and Co for dresses of varying formality – I got the red dress I wore at Christmas there and the dress I wore at my bridal shower there. I don’t think you’ll find anything black tie or gown length there, but otherwise you might want to check them out.
I just got a cute floral dress from Joe Fresh that I may summer-wedding (and, with cardigan, wear to work) this summer.
On the formality question: if the couple has a wedding website, there’s probably a FAQ of sorts with info about that! (It’s like, one of the suggested pages when you use a free wedding website service.) So check that if it exists! Otherwise, yeah, ask a sensible bridesmaid-type person involved in the wedding.
Birthday presents for myself: Tom Hiddleston movies (Crimson Peak, The Hollow Crown), and a FitBit Charge HR. Currently debating what sort of cake I will devour all by my lonesome.
What have you splurged on lately?
$80 on (4) blankets at Ikea, which felt so enormously expensive I almost couldn’t do it. And that was with two of them from the as-is section at half price!
I’m gonna buy my self a set of nice watercolours Very Soon. I want the schminke ones because I own one and it’s gorgeous but they are super expensive :/
One of those vintage botanical charts! (ok, a reproduction, but a very nice reproduction that was still a splurge)
I’m getting ready to drop a couple thousand dollars on a yoga teacher training program, so that’s…exciting news for my savings account.
Wow, that sounds really interesting/intense
I bought Grace Lee Whitney’s memoir a few days ago! I probably shouldn’t have considering my budget, but Star Trek memoirs are automatic buys.
I spent like $25 (for 1 eyeshadow and 3 lippie stix) at Colourpop since they were giving away a free eyeshadow with any purchase for their 2nd bday. I’m definitely a dollar store/elf cosmetics girl, so this is a splurge for me.
Everything in the bargin bin.
(or just some stuff from Nasty Gal and VS which I learned of through the bargin bin)
Movers! They’re so expensive, but 100% worth not having an anxiety meltdown over having to move myself.
Also I got fresh pasta and a bottle of wine for dinner. Not super expensive but definitely an impulse purchase. The wine label was so cute though!
Oh I definitely consider movers essential.
Actually also a Fitbit Charge HR, which I bought last week and LOVE, and a Free People dress that was $50 at Burlington that I was eyeing last time I was there and pulled the trigger on today.
Can you tell me about your Fitbit choice? I think about getting one, then get stymied by the options.
I’m also interested in this! My sister got a Fitbit so I’ve been thinking about it.
Copy/paste of what I said to mkmorrow:
Absolutely! I got the Charge HR because I was most interested in it for the heart rate tracking. I prefer weight lifting over cardio and I like being able to see just how hard I’m working while I’m lifting. The monitor is also helpful for visualizing my anxiety – I can see exactly what my heart rate is doing when I’m coming on an anxiety attack. It also tracks sleep, which I’m not sure all of the other Fitbits do. So I can see how long I spent asleep, and how many times I was awake or restless and for how long. It’s also got the step and stairs tracking and a calorie estimate, which may or may not be accurate but I don’t worry too much about that. You can also tie it in to MyFitnessPal if you track food, and you can log exercise and water intake. All in all it’s a really nifty little gadget and a great way to keep tabs on my activity and what my body is doing. Also it shames me into walking on weekends!
Absolutely! I got the Charge HR because I was most interested in it for the heart rate tracking. I prefer weight lifting over cardio and I like being able to see just how hard I’m working while I’m lifting. The monitor is also helpful for visualizing my anxiety – I can see exactly what my heart rate is doing when I’m coming on an anxiety attack. It also tracks sleep, which I’m not sure all of the other Fitbits do. So I can see how long I spent asleep, and how many times I was awake or restless and for how long. It’s also got the step and stairs tracking and a calorie estimate, which may or may not be accurate but I don’t worry too much about that. You can also tie it in to MyFitnessPal if you track food, and you can log exercise and water intake. All in all it’s a really nifty little gadget and is a great way to keep tabs on my activity and what my body is doing. Also it shames me into walking on my days off!
I’m glad to hear you like it; I’ve been going back and forth on the Fitbit options but I’m kind of obsessed with tracking my heart rate these days so it seemed like the best option.
I was unbelievably tickled to find that my resting heart rate of 60 puts me right on the edge of being a “well-trained athlete.”
More adult colouring books, expensive flavoured coffee, grocery store sushi… lots of little things. 🙂
My birthday is tomorrow! I think we have decided on a Costco cheesecake. 🙂
Happy birthday, fellow May baby! Cheesecake is an excellent choice.
I paid full price for a pair of men’s pajama pants with stills from the original Star Wars trilogy on them.
I just bought a pair of bluetooth headphones cause I’ve been thinking about doing so for almost a year so I don’t have to deal with the cord on my morning walks and decided this morning after managing to knock my headphones out of my ears and my iphone out of my pocket somehow in one fell swoop that it was time.
I also broke my “no books until I get through my stack” rule on an impromptu trip to Half Price Books earlier this week.
I purchased the Primo Large smoker (we wound up with an extra ceramic shell for one at work, so I could buy the rest of the parts at cost and put it together myself) as a birthday present. The bits should arrive soon, so I can take it home and put it together.
I went to buy yarn for a friend’s upcoming baby and bought fabric, yarn, cosmetics (???) and expensive organic food for myself instead. I’m terrible at shopping.
A giant and pretty rug from a fancy pants store. It’s pink and soft and lovely.
Such a huge upgrade from the stained and sad Ikea rug I only bought because I was required to put carpet on 70% of the floor in my first solo apartment, and it was the cheapest and biggest one I could find.
I bought a pair of shiny Kate Spade rainbow studs for 40% off the other day, which satisfied my queer, thrifty, and decadent sides.
It’s probably not the case that you bought two *people* identified as rainbow studs, but that idea is making me giggle right now. I ID as more rainbow sloth, but sometimes you just gotta get stuff done and studs are nice for that.
Bought myself a sequined mermaid backpack to celebrate mother’s day and because I felt like it.
http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/qYYAAOSwuAVW1arp/s-…
Bit of self-promo: I’ve started offering Climate Anxiety Counseling again in my city, sitting at a little booth downtown and inviting passersby to share their climate-change related anxieties (and other anxieties) with me. You can see what people say to me each day, here: https://climateanxietycounseling.wordpress.com
This is my third spring doing this. So far this year people have spoken to me about their search for a safe place to live, their imaginations of apocalypse, their awe of ecological balance, their frustrations with their difficult and humiliating jobs, their addictions, their desire to protect their neighborhood, and more. A woman I met last year, just after she qualified for public housing after 17 homeless years, came by and told me she just signed her lease for another year, and that her beloved cat is doing well.
If any Toastie thinks they might like to do some version of this in their own place, get at me on Twitter (@kateschapira) or write to me at my gmail address, publiclycomplex.
This is so fascinating and EXTREMELY relevant to my interests. (Allow me to unload my own anxieties here). Whenever the sun is out, it feels so much hotter than it ever has before. Part of this is probably my wintery Chicago skin, and part of it is probably that I recently read the book Age of Miracles, where the days get longer and longer until people can no longer go outside without getting third-degree burns.
Anyways, this is an awesome endeavor and I look forward to reading your blog. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for your kind words and for sharing this here. I started doing this mainly because I was feeling super isolated in my own anxieties, and to make a public language for talking about these big changes and losses, simultaneously remote and intimate.
Two teen friends talked to me yesterday about movies they’d seen that depicted ravaged worlds and said that they like that kind of movie–“It shows you what life’s gonna be like later”–but my reaction is often more like yours, where I’m like, “I don’t know if I can stand to see this depicted.”
Sometimes I like post-apocalyptic literature/movies/etc. because at least in that scenario, we survive said apocalypse, but sometimes I just cannot, lest I get into a survival-anxiety spiral and start stockpiling supplies.
Yeah, it’s a fine line. The other day I was like, “Maybe I should get a second pair of glasses in case NO ONE EVER MAKES GLASSES AGAIN.” Which, like, it’s fine to get a second pair of glasses, but … that’s not why.
Am I right in remembering that you actually work on climate science?
I have a master’s in environmental studies (my thesis was on city-level climate policy with a focus on Seattle), but day-to-day I do admin stuff at a business law firm (I worked here before, during, and after my degree). I’d love to move into the environmental field, but a) depression and inertia are powerful forces; b) the money’s good where I am now, and I don’t want to take a big reduction; and c) related to b, I’m worried that I squandered the connections etc. from grad school by waiting so long to do anything else in the field (graduated in 2013), so I’d have to take an entry-level job that I could technically afford but I don’t want to. I’ve been starting to at least look at doing the same thing I do now, but at environmental firms, but who knows.
(also, a big part of why lasik is so appealing to me is because I won’t have to worry about acquiring contacts if supply chains break down)
Yeah those types of movies always make me realize I wouldn’t be one of the ones to make it. And maybe that’s ok? I sure do like my life comfortable.
That is amazing.
Thanks for saying so. I’m glad I do it and it’s good to hear that it strikes other people too.
One of the things I’m working on now is how to like–spread it out? Make its impact greater? Give it additional forms and ramifications? Anyway, check back on the blog in a week or so because there should be more about that soon.
OMG this is AMAZING, and I’m sending you an email.
Thank you! Please do!
Sent 🙂
Hurray! I see it! I’m actually about to head down and do a stint right now so I’ll respond when I get back.
I love that you’re doing this in Kennedy Plaza — I grew up in RI and now live in NYC, and my husband is a climate change activist. So many connections! We may be in RI during one of your sessions in June. If we have time in between seeing all the friends and family who haven’t left, we’ll come say hello.
I would love that. Feel free to get in touch at the email address above if you want to check if I’ll be there on a particular day. I might have some questions for your husband about the work he does, too.
Rhode Island is a weird place. I’m a 12-year transplant with no plans to leave. I love Providence a lot, but that’s partly because it meets my needs–there are a lot of people living here whose needs it doesn’t meet at all.
This is incredible. I teach a college-level class on climate change, and would you mind if I shared this with my students and maybe incorporated some of your observations/anecdotes into it?
I would be very pleased if you shared this with your students. A few other people I know have used the website as a text for a college class. I would also really, really love to see your syllabus, if you’re willing to share it. publiclycomplex at gmail will find me.
Actually, as long as we’re here, if you want to brainstorm together about something I could do WITH your students, I’d be up for that too.
I’ll try and email you later this week. I’m actually in the process of developing an online version of this class, so the syllabus is in a bit of flux right now, but I’m going to be spending most of the week thinking about it.
Later this week is great, or even later if need be!
As of yesterday, I have a boyfriend. It’s my first time having an official boyfriend since high school, 12 years ago. It already seems odd.
I never tell my family about people I’m dating because I’m just a very private person. I justified it to myself by saying I’d tell them when it was something official. I never told them about the last guy I dated, for close to two years. Technically he was never my boyfriend!
Congrats!!
And ha! I’m the same re: privacy about relationships. In high school my parents joked that they’d first know I was dating someone when I invited them to the wedding.
Thanks! My family used to say that I’d come home to visit some day married and pregnant.
When I was about 16, my mother said to me, “I’m not going to let you girls date until you are 18.” Not that there wasn’t about a kazillion other things that told me to hide my life from my family, but that clinched it. So they didn’t meet my partner until we were moving in together.
I have one for the first time now too. o.o It’s a little weird.
Two days ago I decided to watch SGA, because I had never watched it and I wanted something vaguely silly. It’s been two days and I’ve mainlined the first season, written like a thousand words on John Sheppard and his subversion of the military male hero archetype in science fiction/fantasy (based entirely on Joe Flanigan’s weird face and “acing choices”, in all honesty) and I’m desperate to find a fandom that had its heyday ten years ago. Why do I consistently do this to myself.
Hah. I fell into SGA a few years ago too. (I’m better now.)
It’s very interesting to see its fanfic as an artifact and trace the development of tropes.
Also, ‘ware colonialist bullshit, like, all over the place.
Oh, I can only IMAGINE the colonialism running rampant through the fandom, since it’s…not subtle in the original source. The thing I’ve noticed is that it’s all very in tune with present day American politics, especially with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and Obama needing to know about the whole Stargate thing. It’s really interesting just as a form of history lesson, never mind the fannish stuff that can be traced alongside it.
SGA fandom was actually reasonably thoughtful (some of the time) about the rampant colonialism in the source material. Also SG-1 was arguably a lot worse, on that front. Like. Really bad.
SGA fascinates me because what I think of as the two big stories in the fandom [*] are diametrically opposed in how they deal with Earth involvement in Pegasus? Life is, as we know, a rich tapestry.
[*] Written by the Victors (bad, not just on colonialism levels) and Freedom’s Just Another Word (excellent, in fact the story that sucked me into watching even though it is not that accessible without having seen the show).
I only watched the last two seasons of SG-1 and much of it has washed away in a haze of “these characters, too, deserve better.”
…I have never seen Written by the Victors described as bad before, and would love to hear more on this opinion!
I should maybe also note that I am maybe the only person in SGA fandom who thinks Freedom’s Just Another Word is massively overrated, so.
Besides the colonialism, which as I recall is the entire backbone of the story?
The main other thing I remember, and it’s been years since I read it, is that it purports to be in part a found-document story and the form of those documents doesn’t work (history book excerpts that wouldn’t be written that way from that point in the timeline, etc.). I have A Thing about narrative voice.
Lots of people love it, including some very good friends of mine! It drives me up a wall.
Oh man, found-documents is such an exacting genre, and so few writers manage it well.
To your second point: nah.
Freedom’s Just Another Word was actually what got me into the show too! I think I was really intrigued as to what show would simultaneously inspire that work (because it’s INCREDIBLY good and sad and, like you said, not that accessible to people who haven’t seen the show) while also looking very silly based on the small amount of gifsets I saw roaming around my tumblr dash. More fool me, I suppose.
Too funny.
Wow, now I’m super-nostalgic for SGA fic. Must see what Ronon and Teyla stories have stood the test of time.
It’s about the team, not just Ronon and Teyla, but Healing Station Argh still makes me laugh so hard I cry EVERY time I read it.
I finally got around to reading it and I died. Thank you for the rec!
I started Downton Abbey 2 days ago. I know nothing ends well for anyone but the clothes and settings are sooooo pretty!
I have never gotten into Downton Abbey, but I could look at set pictures for hours. It’s gorgeous! Sometimes that’s all you need for a show.
I guess the good news is that it is still super easy to find and read all the good SGA fic? Let me know if you need any fic recs.
Oh man! Have you read everything by rageprufrock for this fandom? If not, that would be my first rec, starting with Out of West and Bell Curve. So good. Also I still sometimes go back and re-read A Farm in Iowa. And A Supermarket in California.
I’ve read all of the stuff she’s posted on AO3, but I haven’t gone into her livejournal backlog. I get the feeling that there’s a lot of fic out there, but it’s either hidden or some of the journals have been deleted. Alas, time is linear and the internet is sometimes not forever.
SGA still has a very special place in my heart (though when I was watching it I had zero idea how to find fandom spaces on the internet).
Have you been posting the stuff you’re writing somewhere? I would love to read it! Sheppard’s character is so bizarre, it’s great to read fics where characters are like, this dude has zero military discipline, his hair is ridic, but somehow he’s insanely effective in combat situations??
It’s been mostly saved on my phone, but I plan on putting it up eventually! I’m not sure where, possibly on my tumblr (same username as this). Sheppard is just so BIZARRE. He sounds nothing like you’d expect, he seems to be just laughing at everything that happens? He really only cares about Atlantis, Elizabeth, and his team and not about anything or anyone else besides flying things? Antartica–he likes it there! Such a weirdo. I love him, but so weird.
Yes! He’s such an anarchist. And like, when I was originally watching the show I didn’t really think about it, but he’s an Air Force guy in charge of a bunch of Marines! So freaking weird.
I love the photo on this OT, it feels very festive!
Any Toasties do homebrewing? Want to brag about successes or fun recipes? Or yell about Woman Doing Male-Dominated Hobby feelings?
I just tasted my first “real” brew…I’ve been doing it for a few years with my partner, but this time I did all the shopping and planning and gently cut him off every time his take-over-the-project tendencies kicked in, so I felt like the stakes were high for proving my skillz. It’s a lemon vanilla summer ale and sort of an experiment with the right ratios of those flavors…vanilla beans aren’t messing around, y’all. The batches with more lemon came out much better, (balanced), but too much vanilla is also not really a problem in the others.
It’s tasty. But there are feelings. Y’all?
That sounds like a super tasty mix! I’ve not tried homebrewing before, but I’m an avid craft brew drinker, so it’s kind of a natural next step that I’ll get to some fine day when I have some extra space.
yeah, it is such an investment! we recently found a brew club near us with their own space and equipment, which is awesome. I hear one-gallon batches are also much friendlier to small-apartment brewers, but it feels like a small amount of beer for the trip to the store, and the recipe planning, and all that stuff that doesn’t really scale down.
I’m not super into beer, but my husband is, and I always covet the flavors that sound like things that I’ll like, except for that beer flavor underneath. Lemon and vanilla sounds awesome, and I am sad that I know it still wouldn’t really be for me!
I’ve never tried homebrewing, but I do woodworking and oh my god going to the hardware store is such a pain in the ass. My (male) partner, who is 100% clueless about woodworking, usually tags along because he likes buying plants and its amazing how hardware store employees will look straight past me and ask him what kind of sander I own. APPROPRIATE DAD CULTURE
I got a kit where I made an American wheat beer and threw some spices in so it became more Belgian-esque. I am not sure how I feel about homebrewing, it takes a lot of time and then I have a ton of beer to drink, and I really only drink beer 30% of my drinking time (wine and cocktails are pretty important to me too). I know in the past, women used to do the brewing in several cultures, which got me interested in it. But my interest has cooled for the moment.
Your beer sounds yum. 🙂
yes! we kept humanity alive in times of contaminated water!
i’ve done home brewing, but i feel like i’m ready to start making my own mash and for some reason am overwhelmed at making the supplies. i have the book radical brewing, but i guess i’d like some other resources as to how to build these things so i can gear up for it. any favorite videos or tutorials to share?
otherwise, i am an all-around fan of anything i can stick an airlock on and still eat / ingest after a fermentation. i make water kefir, tepache, sauerkraut, and sometimes meads or other non-beer alcoholic fruit / herb fermentations. we just cleaned out our basement and are putting in shelves to have a dedicated area for this, but we have to get beer going again … only there’s the generic corn mash issue.
Oooh what had your experience with making mead been? I would love to try but wonder whether it is worth it financially with honey being so expensive. What honey to mead ratio do you usually get?
i don’t make anything all that traditional, and usually just do it in-bottle, so i don’t really have a ratio. i like to think of it less like a recipe and more like you’re feeding a yeast, so how much alcohol do you want and how much residual sweetness. the recommended ratio is 3lbs per gallon of water, but i start with less and add fruit or fruit juice i don’t really have a “worth it financially” criteria, so it may not be, i just like to try stuff.
ooh, good question, we did brew-in-a-bag at home and now use the brew club’s mash tuns (which are just those round igloo water coolers with some colander-like metal kinda shoved into the bottom.
what kind of herb fermentations have you done? that sounds fun…
ah, so they make it and sell it? the diagram for the one in radical brewing is this complicated cut pipe situation and i ended up thinking about it the other day and was like “can’t i just figure out how to strain them rather than build this?” so, a strainer works? is there some rule about not disturbing them so much as to actually just pour everything through a strainer instead?
I’m pretty new to this, so, grain of salt, but: the “false bottom” helps keep the grains and water evenly distributed, and keeps grains out of the spigot (if you’re using the igloo cooler). If you’re doing all-grain, it’ll be too heavy to pick up and tip into another strainer, so putting a strainer above the spigot at the bottom really helps. One book I have says you can also get a big nylon bag, put the grains in there, and put that in the cooler without having to install a strainer. But in my bag experience, you end up having to squeeze water out and it’s super heavy and hot and sticky…
thank you, this helps to put it into perspective so well!
Vanilla/lemon sounds amazing! And I totally know the “first original recipe” excitement/anxiety. My first was a raspberry/pecan. Delicious.
Have you or anyone else on here ventured into the world of hops growing? I have been for about four years and find it super rewarding because they are like, the easiest plants to grow and they look super cool growing up the side of my garage.
Congratulations and good luck on all your homebrew adventures!
raspberry pecan!!! that sounds amazing!
My dad planted cascade hops maybe…5 years ago? Mom isn’t super enthusiastic about keeping them up, and now a local hops farmer shows up and takes them.
I’ve got six that are now into their third year. They’re crawling on my gazebo. Yay!
when you did the lemon vanilla, did you add whole cut fruit or just zest? we have a lemon tree and i think this might be a nice way to use a lot of fruit.
just zest in the secondary fermentation, but also lemongrass. I boiled the zest for 5 minutes and then dumped it and the boil water in. (I split the 5 gallon brew into 5 1 gallon jugs to try different flavor combos, and I think the best was 1 1/2 lemons of zest + 1 oz lemongrass in one gallon of beer.)
YES I homebrew but I haven’t made anything recently. I want to do a summery fruit ale. The last thing that I made was an apple ale, I basically did an amber ale and put apple slices from a tree in my neighbourhood and cinnamon and cloves in it and it was great.
That sounds delightful! I’m a homebrewer too, and hopefully will transition into commercial brewing in the next year or so (the brewery is to be called Sea Witch… the name is important to me, like a beer signal into the void that only Toasties and other BAMFS will recognize!). I love doing it, and I haven’t gotten much shit from dudes in the brewing business, more from farts who like to joke about it cutting into my purse fund (I like to joke about…cutting their dumb fucking faces?) Anyway, I do it here in England, where things are still heavily weighted toward ale being an old man drink, but I make beers with a botanical bent, in the American or Belgian style. One of my favorites was a Rosemary caramel Belgian ale that sounds a bit nuts, but the rosemary worked beautifully to balance the sweetness of the caramel flavor and spice of the yeast. At the moment I have a vanilla and chocolate porter on the go which desperately needs to be bottled but my brain hurts and I’m a neglectful brewster right now due to mental health reasons. Typing this out and reading the responses have helped remotivate me though, so maybe I will bottle tomorrow…
Do you have any more big flavor ideas? I love that you took over and went nontraditional for your first brew!
I made it early!
Can anyone recommend trusted resources/reading about seniors with autism? I have a co-worker who has recently become her father’s caretaker, and she is looking for some resources.
This is probably the kind of googling she’s already done, but WebMD has a page: http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/features/unders…
I also found this article on PMC: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC33246…
I don’t trust Autism Speaks, but they mention Medicaid and SSA: https://www.ssa.gov/policy/docs/ssb/v66n3/v66n3p5…
Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will have better stuff to recommend!
Thank you so much!!
Unfortunately, I’ve found (as an attorney working with older clients) that the provisions for adults with autism and developmental disabilities are woefully inadequate in this country. It’s also very hard to navigate those systems without professional help.
Many areas have local agencies that provide information on elder services (e.g., we have an Office for Aging in the county where I live). They may be able to help.
She might also see about making an appointment with a medical social worker. (Most hospitals have one on staff). They’re typically very knowledgeable about what kinds of local services are available, what the eligibility/ income requirements are, etc. If he’s not already on Medicaid, she might see if he’s eligible for that.
Caretaker burn-out is a serious and common thing, so hopefully she’ll feel okay about taking advantage of any emotional support or respite services that are available. Her physical and mental health are important, too.
Monday is a Bank Holiday, so I get a three-day weekend, hurrah! However, tomorrow we are supposed to be going to my partner’s brother’s for a lunchtime barbecue (his parents will also be there), and I am not very enthusiastic about it. It takes ages to get there because it’s on the other side of London, and we were told yesterday to provide our own vegetarian barbecue fodder (I am not vegetarian, admittedly, but partner is). I am only going (partner has repeatedly told me I don’t have to) because I am really bad at family socialising and trying to make an effort, and also to meet their new cat. (I am mostly in it for the cat.)
I am very pleased about the long weekend, though, because this week has not been great. I have been feeling really tired and grumpy; I had a cold at the start of the week, and have been feeling generally achy and Not Right since then, as well as finding it harder to focus on things (I am so behind on Toast reading) and getting even more irritated than usual over things like noise and the presence of people. And I cannot summon up the motivation to do anything requiring mental effort at work, so I am also bored. Tonight will involve macaroni cheese, Call the Midwife and, hopefully, lots of sleep.
Having to cross London is such a nightmare! Especially if you’re trying to save money on transit. I’m about to walk from Old Street to Camden, which isn’t too bad, but would so much rather have the money for a bus.
I feel you on the family socialising thing. My boyfriend has a large family with a lot of money, whereas I am an only child whose parents spend 90% of their time stressing about making ends meet. I am certainly middle class (parents in professions, tertiary education etc.), but realising once again that ‘middle class’ can encompass vastly different incomes. It’s a strain trying to get to know someone else’s family! Good luck, and just hang with the cat if you find it too much.
Thankfully I have a Zones 1-3 Travelcard, which covers most journeys I do, so it’s rare I have to pay for a journey (you know, beyond the HUGE OUTLAY of the card itself, even if it does end up cheaper in the long run). And my partner and I have been together for seven years now, so I know his family reasonably well, but that doesn’t stop me being super bored when we interact. I am keeping my fingers crossed for cat snuggles. (And I know what you mean re. the huge amount that “middle class” can encompass, although in our families’ cases it’s not income so much as outlook.)
I am in exactly the same situation re: partner’s family bbq tomorrow. Mostly going because partner recently told me, after complaints about my MIL, that I just “don’t know how to be in a family.” Also only in it for the border collie puppy. My recommendation: don’t drink the night before but once you’re at the bbq, go for it.
Oh, ouch; I’m sorry. (My partner sometimes jokingly calls me a robot when I am terrible at familial interaction stuff, but I do the same to him.) I hope the barbecue was okay and you enjoyed the interaction with the border collie puppy (I am very jealous, although I had a nice time with the cat). I had cider and wine yesterday, which helped.
I have ditched four invitations for the long weekend so far for BH traffic reasons. Am feeling quite joyful about it although there is one more I might actually go to on Monday.
Ditching plans is great. Thank you, Bank Holiday traffic!
I mentioned this on an earlier midweek open thread–what a pleasure to have so many open threads in a week when I had several days at home in front of the compter!–but thanks to aqueousmedium for recommending The Ballad of Black Tom by Victor LaValle. I devoured it. Not in an eldritch horror way though.
When I went to look up the book, I saw that the Kindle edition was on sale for $2.99. This was also true of Binti by Nnedi Okorafor, which I have barely started but am already enthralled with, and Shadowshaper by Daniel Jose Older whose work I’m not familiar with but who I know is beloved by some Toasts. So if you’re looking for a few new fantasy reads, there you go.
I’m so glad you loved it! I’ve benefited from so many wonderful book recs by fellow Toasties and it’s a pleasure to pass it along.
Shadowshaper is a treasure.
Earlier this week I learned that my employer will be having layoffs, and then for some reason I forgot what they said the deadline is. So then like an idiot I went over to a coworker’s desk and asked “hey were we gonna get laid off by the end of June, or July?” because it will be nice to know when I can stop worrying, preparing for job interviews, etc.
She looked at me with 110 percent condescension and was like “you don’t think YOU’RE getting laid off!” and then proceeded to lecture me about how I shouldn’t worry about it.
Well excuse me, MY parents taught me life isn’t fair, so yeah, I’m preparing to be laid off.
She did confirm yes it’s happening in June, so, I will not be talking to ANY of my coworkers until the end of June (not July).
This is very strange. It’s like she was telling you good news but was mean about it?
None of us know who is getting laid off. She apparently thinks its absurd to think there’s even a CHANCE of getting laid off, and I think she’s being naive.
Weird! I would be more likely to follow your philosophy and assume I was getting laid off just to have my hens in order. Good luck, in any case!
Right. I expected layoffs were coming a few months ago, but when it happened was surprised at who was cut. I was happy I didn’t make the list, but have no illusions that means I’m safe from the next round should there be one.
The thing that 99% of layoffs don’t take into account is talent. It’s so ridiculous what standards get used. In one round, my friend got laid off (but miraculously saved because her boss went to bat for her) because she was the only person in the company with her job title. In the next round, she was saved because she had that job title, but the rest of her dept got laid off.
Oh no, I hope you won’t get laid off! Always better to be prepared, of course, but I really hope that will prove to be unneccessary in the end. I don’t know what your co-worker’s problem is. :\
I hope you don’t get laid off! I’d go with your strategy too, it seems more sensible to get things lined up.
I’ve asked about this before in OT, but I’m still searching for guidance: anyone work a full-time telecommute job? I’ve been looking for things in the writing/editing capacity, but would also do admin or data work.
Any thoughts, tips, suggestions welcomed!
I do! And it is indeed a data/editing job. I kinda fell ass-backwards into the remote work setup, but you might be able to find a similar situation on purpose by looking for companies that have a corporate presence in multiple areas including your own, then looking for jobs within them whose listings suggest that they’re open to applicants in different locations. For listings based in your area, look for key phrases like “able to work with minimal supervision” or “able to work with colleagues across time zones and cultures.”
ooh, I didn’t even think of looking for things with those keywords. Thanks!
I have a minimum wage transcription job. It does have its perks. Let me know your email if you want more info.
beccarosewillowATgmail — thanks so much!
My mom works full-time remotely. She’s an insurance underwriter. At this point she’s really experienced and has done a lot of credentials/training related to the job, but I think she got into it with just a BA in English. I truly don’t understand much about what she does, but I thought I’d mention in case that wasn’t a type of job you had considered as being a telecommute!
My stepmom works a 99% telecommute job as a technical writer for a parking equipment & management company. I think she was looking specifically for telecommuting jobs when she found it?
There’s a site called flexjobs dot com that specializes in remote and flexible stuff. Worth a look.
My health is collapsing and i feel like everything is getting worse. I just caught a cold on top of developing sciatica on top of chronic illness and i just feel like I’ll never be better, and maybe I don’t deserve to be better, because this many things couldn’t happen to someone who was responsible about their health.
this many things couldn’t happen to someone who was responsible about their health
girl, right?
All the toast hugs to you. Also your favorite hot toddies and rest. I can barely function with just allergies or a cold, so I can’t fathom the layer cake of awfulness that you are dealing with.
I feel like I am barely functioning at this point. Thank you for the phrase “layer cake of awfulness,” that’s really exactly how it feels.
I don’t normally say this to people, but you are so wrong! If you were irresponsible, you wouldn’t have reached out here. Health issues tend to snowball. You get diagnosed with something, and it stresses you out, which weakens your immune system, which makes you catch a virus, which makes you more stressed/depressed…it can seem never-ending sometimes. There is no reason to blame yourself. Shit happens – we can’t control it. But we can control our reactions. Set a time limit to feel sorry for yourself (like ’til the end of the day). Then, start fresh. Do one new thing to improve your health, however small. Even just reading a funny post from The Toast archives can help! Take baby steps. It gets better, but gradually.
I… have so been there. And visit frequently. Which is how I know these things:
“Deserve” has nothing to do with it at all.
Your health is not a reflection of your moral character.
You are not your body.
I am sorry you are suffering.
Hello, The Toast! Breakup update in the reply.
Anniversaries are hard, especially the sneaky ones.
I had a really hard couple of weeks, then realized it was almost exactly three years after the event where Bex met the woman for whom he wanted to open our then-nine-year-long relationship. When he came back from that event, I remember having all the mixed feelings– it was another four or five months before he told me he was in love– that he was incandescently happy, and that I was really nervous about it for some reason, and ashamed that I wasn’t being more supportive.
I remember saying in my first therapy session after his return, “I have the weird feeling that he just fell in love, and that my life is about to change in ways that I can’t predict but don’t like,” and therapist asked, “Do you think he actually would have cheated on you?” “No. But he’s acting different. He smells different. I’m scared.”
Therapist and I decided that I was reacting to him having the best long weekend of his life at the same time that he was having the first long weekend in a long time where I was not present and not in any way involved, and that I was jealous that he could have fun with people other than me, and that I needed to work on that.
In retrospect, I actually *was* noticing a thing. Bex hadn’t fallen in love with New Shiny yet, but he *did* fall in love with the rationalist community at that event, and my life *did* change in ways that I found pretty unpleasant as a result.
***
I’ve been trying to retrieve physical objects that I loaned people in the rationalist community prior to the breakup, and they’ve been not responding, and it is all sorts of triggering.
Part of what made the relationship with Bex no longer sustainable was feeling that I was small and inconsequential to the people he cared most about, and that I was becoming small and inconsequential to him, as well.
As someone who was emotionally abused by a parent, in the particular ways I was emotionally abused, that was really hard to take. (My father’s insults of choice for me were “little snot” and “little shit.” I remember getting into a fight with him in my late 20s– the last time he ever hit me, because I went minimal contact after that– and feeling strangely sad that I hadn’t graduated to being a bitch yet.)
So when people from the rationalist contact whom I had *some* positive contact with / made dinner for / sang at their wedding don’t return polite emails asking for the things I loaned them, even to say “I’m sorry, I lost the thing,” or when they respond to me bumping into them on my way to work with the “I have no idea who you are, why are you saying hi?,” it hits me in a very sore spot.
I want my stuff back. I don’t want to engage with people who make me feel like the smallest of snots.
I wish I knew how to just let it go.
UGH.
when they respond to me bumping into them on my way to work with the “I have no idea who you are, why are you saying hi?,”
Who are these people oh my god. I’m so sorry you’re going through this it sounds just awful.
Thank you for the gif-hug. The person who pretended not to know me? I sang at her wedding. We have seen each other naked. Literally.
If I were writing fiction, I think this interaction would come off as cartoonish and implausible, which messes with me somewhat.
There is something wrong with that group of people and I know it hurts horribly right now but I can’t think you’re not 1000% better off without them. I hope things get happier soon.
I agree with this. I hope things get happier soon.
Ugh, I’m sorry your therapist treated the situation that way (obviously neither of you had full info at that point, but the fact that you were so concerned about it should have suggested it was more than just FOMO). Also that entire community sounds like jerks, and Bex also sounds like a jerk, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this shit.
Thank you! Therapist has said, since then, “Yeah, pretty much every time your instincts have told you something was up, they’ve been right. So, I am going to support you in listening to your instincts.”
I get why neither of us did at that point. I experienced a lot of gaslighting in my childhood, and my first several therapy appointments, back when Bex and I were going as a couple, I’d say something about a thing my father had done, and Therapist would say, “That’s kind of a strong statement,” and my first impulse was to turn to Bex and say, “How do *you* remember it? Do you think I’m being unfair here?”
So there were some pretty good reasons I had learned to distrust my judgment over time, and that made me really vulnerable when the person I most trusted, to whom I outsourced my perspective on reality whenever I had cause to doubt my own perceptions, wound up ultimately not being trustworthy.
I’m painstakingly reminding myself now of all the times I said, “Hey, I’m worried about [relationship trajectory],” and Bex dismissed my worries, and those worries turned out to be founded. Like, I perceived resentment on his part that I wasn’t okay with polyamory, and that I was underemployed, long before he recognized he was feeling resentful. He didn’t recognize he was feeling resentful himself until a couple of weeks before he terminated our relationship, and then he didn’t tell me until after the breakup.
1) Hypersensitivity to other people’s emotional states for the win! A nice side effect of having an abusive parent. (Except there was no actual winning part, except him saying “You were right” on his way out.)
2) It really fucked with my brain to have my reality backup start redefining reality on me.
3) On the other hand, if my instincts are better than I think they are, and if I can learn how to trust them, I think I will eventually be okay.
Oh, ouch. That is hard and sucky. Toast hugs (or awkward shoulder pats if you’re not into hugging) for you.
I continue to be impressed with you bravely going out there and making a new life for yourself. You are not small or inconsequential.
Thank you for the hugs and encouragement, mkmorrow. I am short on hugs these days, and will gladly accept them.
You don’t deserve that bullshit. Rationalists, or rationalizers? Am I right? You deserve your stuff back and basic goddamn consideration.
Thank you, Frenz_lo! And I would say that rationalizers are definitely well represented in that crew.
I was just watching some West Wing clips recently, because I needed to love/hate some Aaron Sorkin dialogue instead of my own life for a while, and came across a description of the conditions under which someone will commit fraud: need, opportunity, and the ability to justify their behavior to themselves.
I see a lot of that ability to self-justify among the people I’ve met in this community. I *don’t* have a lot of that ability. (I think. I could be deluding myself, but moral horror is a familiar feeling for me. I don’t act in ways that I anticipate will provoke it, and when I do act in ways that provoke it, I apologize profusely and try to fix what I’ve done.) And I don’t like or trust people who have a lot of that ability. But– and I think this has gotten me into trouble– I don’t want to assume that a person has a lot of that ability, absent abundant evidence. To me, thinking of someone as being self-serving in an ethically dodgy way is a Big Deal.
I have it in me to be judgmental and morally rigid. I have it in me to hold grudges. I really want to be careful about indulging those parts of myself, and I haven’t figured out yet how to be the kind of person I want to be *and* be sensibly self-protective (beyond spending a lot less time with people who make me feel moral horror than I have in the last three years, which is probably a good first step).
“I haven’t figured out yet how to be the kind of person I want to be *and* be sensibly self-protective”. This is a really wise thing to know. It gives you a stepping stone to integrate the two. I am so sorry, and so sad, that your personal challenges are so damn challenging right now. You are amazingly intelligent and perceptive, and I have so much faith in you to overcome and transform.
Thank you! I’ve been itching for a counseling appointment for a while now– therapist has been out of town and pastor / boss has been swamped. When I do get one, this is a thing I’m going to be talking about.
I had such a visceral reaction to the phrase “rationalist community.” I know these douchebags. (See also: movement atheism.) I was personal friends in meatspace with one of those rationalists who got accused of doing some rapey shit (I don’t think it’s outing myself to say it was Ben Radford). I had no idea the whole poly thing was laid on top of Bex becoming a part of such an insufferable pile of self-important dipshits. Blecch what a bad taste Bex has left in my mouth lo these many weeks. Also fuck those other assholes too. You deserve so, so, so much better.
Yeah, for a lot of people in the community, poly is not so separable from rationality. Their founder has written about how rational superbeings would obviously be poly and bisexual, because it is rational to maximize pleasure. Higher-status people in the community have more partners. I think I’ve posted the “polyhacking” story about how one member made herself become poly in order to be compatible with someone who wanted to date her (but in case I haven’t, it’s here: http://lesswrong.com/lw/79x/polyhacking/ ). I experienced the community as being a pretty coercive environment, though I think they’d chafe at that description, preferring a narrative in which “superior logic” overcomes “baseless assumptions / acculturation”. (I prefer environments in which everyone is clear that thoughtful people can come to hold a range of opinions on many things. The Rich Tapestry approach, one might call it.)
Bex started being taken more seriously as he came to resemble the community more, which is why I don’t *think* he’d have started to identify as poly without the contact he had with the community. His sister has been polyamorous her entire adult life. He knew what polyamory was. He knew that it worked for some people. He didn’t start thinking, Wait, what if I’m polyamorous? until he was in a community that, from my perspective, strongly devalued monogamy.
That’s my perspective. He might well see it differently. But at least as of when we broke up, he was still of the opinion that he hadn’t always been poly– that he became poly in 2013, and that he was monogamous up until the moment he wasn’t. He started by doing a thought experiment in which he tried to determine “at a system one level”– jargon for “at a intuitive, pre-cognitive level”– what it would be like to be polyamorous.
A thing I know about Bex: He only tries on a new perspective or belief at a system one level if he wants to change his perspective or belief about that thing– if he, essentially, wants to reprogram himself to believe a more “rational” thing.
I agree that I deserve better. If I’m right about the community being coercive, I kind of think he deserves better, too. I found it really hard to watch him come to hate (and to excise) parts of his own personality that I treasured, that I thought helped make him himself, seemingly to fit in better. I’m angry at how he treated me, but I am also so sad that the person I loved in many ways doesn’t exist anymore.
I’m never sure, as an abuse survivor, how much I believe in autonomy. I believe there were points where he made decisions. I also believe there were points at which he was manipulated. I also believe he has a powerful drive to belong, which I understand. I just wish that him finding sense of belonging hadn’t been what I see as so high a cost for both of us.
I’m a poly bisexual atheist and these people are making me so angry. I’m so sorry.
Thank you! It feels weird to say “I’m grateful for your anger,” but, there you are– I am. It feels less lonely to have virtual company in an emotion that I still find very uncomfortable.
I’m bi, too, though I’ve only ever had interest in one relationship at a time, and oddly enough, I don’t think of my sexuality in terms of whether it makes sense to some hypothetical super-being. It feels like a category error to me to try to make one’s desires answer to logic.
Their founder has written about how rational superbeings would obviously be poly and bisexual, because it is rational to maximize pleasure.
UGH. I am a bisexual atheist (although not poly), and rationally deciding to be those things in order to “maximise pleasure” still sounds super creepy. It feels like that line of thought will lead so easily to devaluing people who are monogamous and or monosexual, which is not something I would be at all comfortable getting behind.
Everything you say sounds so compassionate and thoughtful. I’m so sorry you have had to go through all of this shit, but it sounds like you are much better off distancing yourself from these people and building a life that actually makes you happy. I am impressed by how well you seem to be taking action to do that.
Their founder has written about how rational superbeings would obviously be poly and bisexual, because it is rational to maximize pleasure sounds like an excerpt from a profile article on a cult. jfc.
Another victory to report:
I sent follow-up messages today: curtly formal, no “how are you,” a single method for returning the things to me, and *the replacement cost of the items*. And within an hour, everyone responded. I don’t know if it was the dollar amount that made it clear that I wasn’t trying to get friendship out of them, just return of items, but it worked in all cases, and I’m grateful to the person on Friends of Captain Awkward who suggested it. (I didn’t engage with the apologies for not getting back to me in response to earlier requests. I am past caring about their inner lives, and soon I can be past caring about them at all.)
UGH I HATE THESE PEOPLE but yay for getting stuff back at least. GRRRR.
Right ON. Good for you. I am pleased to hear you took that approach and delighted you didn’t engage with their apologies.
And yet more victory:
One of them came to my door to return a thing, and I said, more or less–
“We don’t need to talk anymore, now that this has been resolved. But it’s important to me to say that, in the context of how the rest of the rationalist community responded post-breakup, your response to me looked like part of an organized shunning. That hurt. Your community is not good at being kind to outsiders, and that was a significant part of why the breakup happened in the first place. Have a good life.”
I feel okay about having said that. (Also about having waved away his, “Really, I’m just a big flake.” WHATEVER, dude. I am not asking for your reason for behaving badly. I am describing the *effects* of your behaving badly.)
At the moment it is blowing my mind a little that Bex chose these people over me. By the time of the breakup, when Bex had changed himself, that choice wasn’t surprising. But back when he was new to the community, he was struggling with feeling the effects of their outsider distrust toward him, and I remember saying, “You know, they’re kind of mean to you. I’m sure you have reasons for being invested in friendship with them, but I wish you wouldn’t spend so much energy on people who are mean to you.”
I don’t think I would want to hang out with people who were mean to my beloved, no matter how “supportive of my personal growth” they were. I can understand friends not liking a partner for reasons other than abusiveness. Personality clashes are a thing. But not being baseline decent to them on occasions when everyone is in the same place? I don’t think I could be friends with people who did that.
Oh, and a small, sort of victory to report:
A couple of my friends host a hiking trip at the seashore every Memorial Day. The trip there is arduous, but the landscape is gorgeous, the picnic is typically full of local and seasonal foodie splendor, and the conversation is interesting and varied.
I am not going this year, because Bex is going, and I can’t be around him. I was pretty bummed about this– why should I have to choose between my mental health and hanging out with my friends?– bummed enough to ask my boss if I could come in for work as usual on Monday, instead of trying to make up my hours later in the week and sitting home feeling left out on Monday. (Boss said no.)
But the first person I asked “Can we hang out? How about Monday?” said yes. So I will see a human on Monday, at least for the duration of lunch, and I think that will help a lot. I am going to see if I can also schedule a mini-hike with another friend for later the same day.
(Sorry I am spamming your thread, just getting caught up here — jetlag is making me awake at weird times!) That sounds like A++ self care, well done!
For once in my life I can actually participate in the Friday Open Thread at a reasonable time (i.e. not Saturday morning) because I took today off and have a four day weekend! Yay, four day weekends! Boo, my company only giving 2.5 vacation days to people for their first year! (This is my first day off since I started working at this company in early December… I am TIRED, y’all.)
I bought the necklace from today’s Bargain Bin, and I’m feeling pretty excited about that. I’m also going to head over to Lane Bryant today since they’re having 40% off Cacique items in store, and I desperately need new bras. I’m thinking a couple of simple t-shirt bras, one in beige and one in a fun color (probably black, if we’re honest).
ALSO, replying to my own comment so share with you an EXCELLENT clothing discovery I made. I needed a last-minute outfit to wear to a wedding because my original outfit shrunk in the wash. So I ended up buying two sizes of this dress, and it is GORGEOUS. I’m a size 14/16 and ended up wearing the large after trying on the L and the XL, but I think I could probably fit in the medium. It’s flowy and classy and I got a lot of compliments. And it comes in 8 colors! And it’s only $30!
Hello, yes- this dress is exactly what I am looking for in a Maxi dress and now I’m trying to convince myself I don’t need it. I am failing.
I have it on my wish list in three other colors, and I’ve been looking for a gold belt to go with them… I might have a problem.
thank you for the LB tip! I was just thinking “ugh, my Cacique bras are coming apart, I should stop buying th—wait, they’re coming apart because I only bought two and wore one of them every day for a year. Maybe I should buy more.”
Gotta clothes shop this weekend too, I did a “do my business clothes that I need soon still fit?” check that turned into a “omg it has been over a year since I needed businessy clothes and I expanded quite a bit” closet purge. It’s a bummer to need new stuff but it’s been a while since I just went out and bought a bunch of new clothes at once, it will be fun to go downtown and hit the big stores and bargain hunt!
Ugh, I feel you. I’ve worn the bras I got at Cacique for almost two years and it’s definitely time to get new ones. I’ve been pushing it off because bras are expensive, but I just got a 15% raise and they’re on sale now……
I think I’m also going to look for dress pants. I got this incredible pair of stretchy small-print houndstooth pants from LB a few months ago, and they’re pretty much work-appropriate pajama pants. My other pairs of dress pants pale in comparison.
Noooooooo I don’t want to go bra shopping this weekend. But I’ve been waiting for a sale so I’m really past due…
I’m about a year past due… You can blame grad school + five months of unemployment for that! I just went and got two really soft t-shirt bras for $25 each before tax, so it came to about $55 with tax. I’m pretty sure that’s what I spent per bra last time I bought them, so I’m feeling pretty good about my purchase.
Weekly “Where will we go now?????” announcement: Many regular commenters are putting together a great community at toastieslack. For an invite, please email ppyajunebug [at] gmail [dot] com. If you’ve tried and haven’t gotten an invite, try again.
Once you get an invite, play around in the introductions, slack 101, and adminstuff threads to get a feel for how it works.
Ah I was just looking around for her email! I downloaded the app and it looks like the first thing to do is enter a team’s url, so it seems to be a thing where you get the invite from ppyajunebug first, sign in to that group, then create a username? I’m a newb, sorry!
yep, email, get the invite, follow directions & links in the invite. Should be fairly clear after that.
The Reddit group is also currently active and planning stuff to start in July! (I will be doing a Toast Retrospective, for instance.)
and immediately join the petpics channel so you can gorge yourself on all the sweet kitty and pup and bunny faces on offer!
Speaking of which, we need to get ChloeKEvil over there. that thread is lacking in Charlie Potato Hashbrowns.
Truer words!
Well, WE have Charlie Potatoes on reddit!
Oh, wow, I saw this comment and was like WELL I GUESS IT’S TIME TO ACTUALLY START FIGURING OUT SLACK
So far my biggest disappointment with ToastieTwitter is the quantity of pet pictures. I think I was expecting, basically, a constant stream of pets and misandry. Instead it’s just … SOME pets and misandry.
I’m sorry I’m not very advanced, but could you explain what Slack exactly is? Something to do with instant messaging? How does it compare to a message board?
message board-y with lots of different threads you can subscribe to and mute as needed. So if you want to shout at men, there’s a channel for that, and if you want to talk about advice columns, there’s a channel for that, and if you want to talk with people in your area, there’s a bunch of local channels.
Oooh, thanks for reposting this! I was going to dig up the other post just to see the Slack invite again. I am a mostly lurker (the posting schedule does not aligh with my European location very well), but I am going to miss the Toast dearly.
Would love to be included, mailing you now!
I AM HERE FOR TOASTIESLACK AND OUR LOVE OF IT. It’s so nice talking to everyone!! I might have slack open on all computers I have (private) access to! It’s so great!
So I finally booked my ticket for Scotland in August and hooooooo boy was that painful. I’ve never traveled during peak times before and it’s brutal!
Anybody else have to spend more money than they’d like this week? Anybody got any good trips coming up?
I feel like I’m constantly spending more money than I’d like to 🙁 Especially on basic travel within my city. I’ve been trying to walk a lot lot lot more but I have my limits! And for all the good it’s doing my body, I’m also walking along main roads so it’s probably slowly killing me from the inside.
I’ve got NYC/Dublin coming up in July, and being able to skip over the intervening month would suit me just fine.
Would love to spend less money this week/month. I’m moving the third weekend of June and promised myself that I would cut back spending in order to prepare. Of course, I haven’t been able to say to coffee or dinner out ever since.
Ooof, yes, to peak travel! Where are you going in Scotland??
We’re going to Melbourne in late September/early October, and I am wildly excited, but it is also so very much money! (and very long flights).
I posted about this below, but I’ll be in Edinburgh for the month of August! I’ll be interning for a theatre company for the festival. What are your plans for Scotland?
I just bought (surprisingly affordable!!) tickets to Copenhagennnnnnn 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
I’m headed for England in August for a walkabout in the Lake District! So I feel your pain on the plane tickets. (Where in Scotland are you going?) But having the trip details squared away is a glorious relief, and now I can get on with the fun parts of planning.
Yes! Bought my boyfriend’s ticket to London for mid-June! My aunt is getting married and they bumped up the wedding date by ~15 months due to elderly relatives so it has been a scramble to figure out flights and hotels etc. but now it is all arranged! (I got my ticket last month, we were just waiting on vacation approval from his work before buying his flight.)
Going to Vietnam for my honeymoon in just over a week!
At the theatre banquet (eggs & pancakes on paper plates, all kids in their PJs) at the high school last night, my son was sitting at a table with a bunch of his comedy sportz friends – mostly guys, but one gal.
She passed me with a towering stack of paper plates and stuff to trash, while the guys just sat there, so I stopped her on the way back and told her she shouldn’t do the unconsciously gendered labor of “I’m going to the trash anyway, I’ll carry all your dregs, too” and she laughed and said she wouldn’t do it again and a minute later my son came over to my table to grab my shoulder and earnestly tell me that he hadn’t given his trash to her, he took his own, he would never assume the woman should do the cleaning up.
a minute later my son came over to my table to grab my shoulder and earnestly tell me that he hadn’t given his trash to her, he took his own, he would never assume the woman should do the cleaning up
Hope for humanity!
I may have been doing a bit of ranting lately. Moving has me a little on edge, but if the result is terrified, obedient male children, it can’t be all bad.
Yessss your son and you are great!
You have done some A+ parenting there!
Your kids are so great.
This makes me so happy.
I’m going to Marrakech in June, anyone have recommendations?
Does ‘take me with you’ count as a recommendation?
The Yves St Laurent garden is a lovely space with plants contrasting with lots of popping colours on the walls – deep royal blue, shimmering turquoise and lemon yellow. If you’re staying in a riad with a plunge pool, it’s OK to come back from the museums / souks midway through the day and just submerge yourself to cool off. I should have brought more than 1 swimsuit so I didn’t have to step into the same damp one twice a day!
Majorelle Garden! I also had a lot of fun walking around the El Badi Palace ruins. How long are you staying in Marrakech?
alllll the hammams!
I had a beautiful open-air massage for basically no money in a gorgeous brightly painted hammam with live turtles crawling around in the garden that we could play with. and we were served tea afterward.
yes! I am seconding allllll the hammams!
Eat at the stalls in the Jemaa el-Fnaa! I also visited a wood museum to get off the street, and it was really cool. Do you ski? We spent the say at Oukaimeden, about 70 km from the city, and it was one of the most amazing things I have ever done. The conditions, gear, and terrain is pretty bad, but the views!
Drink all the mint tea. Get lost in the medina looking at all the shops. Haggle a bit (but be friendly! “I really like this style, but was hoping to find something for X dirhams”) when you’re shopping at them. Jardins Majorelles is a must; great respite from heat and dust. There’s an empty royal palace you can visit that is okay.
I second the Jemma el-Fnaa and Jardin Majorelle recommendations! Also, I did an all-day cooking class when I was there and it was the best. I can’t remember the name of it unfortunately but there are several options that all follow the same basic pattern (go to the market, buy your ingredients, go to someone’s house and cook).
Okay it was late in 1997, and they had just opened, but the Hotel Sherazade was amazing and so affordable!
This weekend, I’m going to do my last load of laundry that requires quarters in what I hope is forever. I am going to celebrate, perhaps with champagne. And then I will pack the glasses.
I’ve been getting a little bit obsessed with moving out of my apartment, and while I don’t particularly mind having paid laundry (as long as it’s on-site), the idea of not having to hoard quarters is soooooo appealing. Fortunately, the people at the grocery store I go to are really nice about giving out rolls of quarters instead of $10 bills if you ask.
+1. Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually getting $20 worth of laundry done per month but then decide that the convenience of not having to use quarters far outweighs any potential money loss.
Laundry quarters are my best illustration of how money only has the value we give it – there are times when I would gladly pay $1 for 3 quarters (or if not gladly, at least without complaint) because I need to do the damn laundry. (Alternatively – it is 2016. Perhaps we could graduate to machines that take cards?)
FAREWELL COIN SLOTS FOREVER. Congratulations! Excellent feeling!!
If your experience is anything like mine, you are about to find yourself hoarding quarters for NO REASON AT ALL, but the knowledge of the fact that the quarters are no longer crucial to have available at all times will do nothing to prevent you from continuing to collect them and avoiding offering up exact change because this way you’ll get some quarters.
Um. Or maybe you’ll be better adjusted than I was. May that be the case. 🙂
OMG the quarter hoarding. it took me a good 6 months to stop. my little piggy bank did put on some serious weight in those 6 months, though.
I used to *love* going to the laundromat. Forced to hang out, reading, smelling dryer sheets? Sigh. I miss it.
Toasties! I am flying into NYC next Wednesday. I will then spend 5 days in NYC, 5 in DC, and 5 in Boston before flying back to Brussels. Any must-sees/eats in those places/Toastie meetups? Would love to meet some of you fab people in the flesh. Many thanks in advance!
Hello! I’m in DC! There was a great thread of things to do/eat/see in DC in yesterday’s LR, definitely give that a look.
Thank you!!!
I posted a similar thing on the next page – I will be in NYC next Friday through Sunday and would love to meet up. I’m on twitter @simperlegens, or email semperlegens AT gmail
Great! Will follow you on the twittar
Toasties! What food stuffs do you almost always have on hand that you can turn into a serviceable meal with minimum thinking? I’m never ever going to be a wonderful meal planner, and life is so much easier when I can just walk in the door and know I have the stuff to make a few decent options. I can’t be the only one who survives this way.
I almost always have sweet potatoes, onions, avocados, bread, leafy greens and a semi-weekly roast chicken and/or monthlyish roast turkey. That and big batches of soup and marina work pretty well as meal building blocks.
What do you always have in your kitchen, and what does that turn into meal wise?
beans (cannellini, black beans, chickpeas, red lentils.) Seitan italian sausage. pasta.
I’m not as good at keeping fresh foods around, but I can acquire those daily without much effort.
My list is very similar to yours! I would add canned beans to that (especially black beans and chickpeas). Then with sweet potatoes and greens laying around I can do a salad, or maybe a black bean burger. I like the combo of sweet potatoes and black beans a lot, so that is often a go to. My other pantry staple is salsa, which I can eat in incredible quantities. Without intervention, all my quick meals eventually turn into taco salad.
I always have pasta, tuna, and a jar of basil pesto in my pantry that I can whip up in big batches if I’m too lazy to cook.
Second this!
I always have rice, couscous, potatoes, and onions around, and every so often I’ll buy a few pounds of cheap overripe tomatoes and make a bunch of tomato sauce to keep on hand. I usually either get (in a farmshare) or buy (at the market) a ton of veggies every other week, but if I don’t get a chance to do that, at least I can make patatas bravas or some kind of tomato potato curry.
I pretty much only make two meals, which are just variations of eggs on toast. The first one is wilted kale and a fried egg on toast, with plenty of salt and pepper and olive oil, and the second one is herbed goat cheese and tomatoes on toast, with plenty of salt and pepper and olive oil and most of the time a hardboiled egg on the side.
I also believe in chopping up some red potatoes and roasting them in the oven with a sausage or two and maybe a bell pepper for like an hour.
Eggs on toast is amazing, and you just reminded me that I must have goat cheese in my life again.
I’ll have to try the roast potato sausage thing.
Condensed cream of mushroom soup, and at least a pound of pasta. Can be made into a casserole with tuna and cheddar, or more commonly I can just throw them into a pan with any leftover vegetables and/or meat I have around.
Frozen tortellini with either some marinara or pesto for quick pasta, and frozen potstickers, dumplings and edamame if i’m in the mood for some Chinese/Japanese food and feeling too cheap to go out that night.
Tinned tomatoes. Tinned tomatoes make a variety of pasta and rice based dishes quickly and easily. If I have tinned tomatoes, chicken, veggies (frozen or fresh, preferably broccoli and carrots), an onion and chicken stock, I can make a really tasty pilaf in my rice cooker. (You just sort of pile it all in, using chicken stock in place of water and adding slightly less to compensate for the liquid in the tinned tomatoes, then press the cook button and come back when it’s done. Rice cookers are a boon to low-cooking-energy types like me.)
i usually have that stuff you mentioned, and also a selection of canned fish for throwing into salads or prepping similar to tuna salad [sardines, smoked trout, mackerel] and smoked oysters for throwing on crackers.
i also try to make a big batch of veggie stock so i can make soups easily.
one thing i started stocking was some form of [grain-free for me] bread that acts as a snack-meal. and by bread i mean a savory cake that has a few veggies and some cheese, or sweet would be a pumpkin spice banana bread or something, where a slice is decently filling.
i got the idea for the savory breakfast cake from this recipe, and converted it to a coconut flour situation [more eggs, all flour subbed for 1/3c coco flour, maybe something else?] it’s great to have around!
oops, eta the link: http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-zucchini-and-oliv…
That cake is LEGIT. I made it at least eight times last summer and plan to make it even more this year. Mmmmmm.
isn’t it, though!? i was so excited when i found that recipe, it’s like this thing i’ve always wanted but never knew about! i’ve also made variations, like sautéed mushrooms & onions with roasted pepper instead of squash & olive. working with coconut flour, it soaks up all the liquids, so it’s pretty forgiving.
That cake looks like life itself.
Noodles, butter, and cheese of which I am a wiz at turning into “noodles with butter and cheese.”
Hah, I was happy to see this one. Everyone else’s answers are so impressive, mine is: tortillas, cheese.
beans, canned tomatoes, some greens, lentils, more beans, spices, and rice
usually my “throw stuff into a pot” method results in “uhhh, it’s chili! yeah, chili, definitely”
Eggs
Rice or rice noodles
Soy sauce
Frozen vegetables
Some sort of meat I’ve bought on sale and thrown in the freezer
Oil
Perfect for a stir-fry/fried rice.
I also keep frozen fruit (literally, fruit I’ve bought a bunch of on sale then froze), some sort of non-dairy milk and peanut butter to make smoothies.
I always have most of the stuff you already listed, plus:
quick-cooking polenta
canned refried black beans
tostada shells and/or corn tortillas
ramen
dry beans
giant bags of frozen broccoli
tomatoes, canned and fresh
some kind of cheese, usually queso fresco or “fiesta blend” shredded
eggs
This turns into roasted vegetables over polenta, black-bean tostadas/tacos with hot sauce (add an egg for breakfast, add some chicken/cheese/tomatoes for dinner), broccoli-cheese polenta, ramen with broccoli “for healthy,” chicken-and-tomato-stuffed avocados, quick bean soup in the Instant Pot with greens wilted in, poached eggs over fried leftover polenta, roasted leftover bean-stuffed tomatoes, etc.
I have only now realized how much polenta I eat. Big Corn has me firmly in its tasseled grip.
…how do you Polenta? I’ve never used it and am very confused.
The quick-cook kind is dead easy. You need a 1:3 ratio of water to polenta. Bring the water to a boil (with some salt or spices if you like), pour in the polenta, stir, and simmer with a lid for ~5 minutes. At that point you can eat it hot with things on it/stirred into it, let it chill then slice it up and fry it, or whatever you want!
I really like it with a bit of butter, parmesan, and parsley stirred in. It’s great with broccoli and cheddar and a splash of milk. It’s good with beans, lentils, vegetables, greens, or meat on top. You can make pizza polenta by chilling it, slicing off rounds, topping with sauce/mozz/pepperoni, and broiling for a few minutes.
It’s basically a grain base like rice or quinoa, only — for my money — easier to cook and more delicious. Happy polenta-ing, friend!
Canned tomatoes, eggs, goat cheese, frozen greens, frozen berries, oatmeal, chia seeds, chicken thighs (in the freezer), almond butter and bread. We also get hungry harvest so there’s usually some fresh fruit and veg hanging out.
my go-tos are shakshuka, overnight oats for breakfast (w chia seeds, almond butter and frozen berries), omelettes, roasted chicken thighs with whatever veg we have around.
Peanut noodles are my “always on hand” meal– dried pasta, frozen peas, peanut butter, rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, and chili garlic sauce are all you need, and they’re all pretty shelf stable. I usually have a block of tofu as well, but the peanut butter is protein itself.
Additionally, rice, a can of beans, and a can of chipotle peppers in adobo. Rice can be done up infinite different ways, beans are cooked with the peppers and garlic or whatever other spice I want/have on hand.
Those are the things I always make sure I’m stocked for– I like planning recipes and buying fresh produce and stuff, but that’s what I have on hand even when I’ve just returned from a 2 week vacation or when I’m in the middle of moving or any other dire circumstances.
Chips and salsa. This tends to turn into me eating a lot of chips and salsa.
Add wine and netflix and that makes what I call a Friday Night.
Eggs, pasta, bacon, cheese and bread. With those I can make my standard approximate carbonara and as much breakfast as I want. With optional throwing in of any assorted veg I have lying around (onions, spinach, mushrooms, leeks and parsley all work )
Dace and rice. I drain the oil into a frying pan, fry the fish in it very quickly (my family doesn’t eat the beans! they just flavor the oil by soaking in there), then add cooked rice and a dash of soy sauce and stir-fry for a few more minutes.
Dried or canned beans and cans of whole peeled tomatoes for pasta sauce are my main staples that work with any veggies I buy.
I always have rice, onions, eggs, kale, chicken, canned diced tomatoes, and lentils, black beans, whatever vegetable was on sale, sour cream, salsa, pasta, parmesan, lemons and limes, fish sauce, curry paste, coconut milk.
From there I can make fried rice with egg and vegetable, sauteed veggies with roast chicken, chicken paprikash, chicken burrito bowls, kale salad with lentils and chicken, dal and rice, cacio e pepe or carbonara, coconut milk curries, dry fried curry stir fries, etc. I also make shit like salmon cakes or something once a month or so and freeze them for quick and easy baked dinners with some vegetables.
Pasta, frozen peas and/or edamame, and parmesan cheese. I also usually have quorn meatless chicken nuggets in the freezer (I’m not a vegetarian but they’re better than real chicken). I love cooking but to be honest I would probably be perfectly happy to eat pasta with parmesan cheese every night.
This has changed since I live with A Man now (who does 97.999999999% of the cooking) but on my own I always had on hand
eggs
pasta
garlic
pepper
dijonnaise.
Not the most varied of diets, but I always had a tasty meal whether or not I remembered to shop for bread or vegetables!
Pasta/rice/whole grain things (quinoa, farro, etc), pesto, canned beans, canned tomatoes, mushrooms, greens, and frozen chicken thighs. And cheese. I love cheese.
Lately I’ve been very into sheet pan dinners with chicken thighs. Take some hearty vegetables (carrots, broccoli cauliflower, potatoes, sweet potatoes, etc), drizzle with olive oil and the seasoning of your choice (from salt and pepper to herbes de Provence to cajun seasoning). Thaw a chicken thigh or two, season with olive oil and the same seasoning, maybe a bit of lemon juice. Roast in the oven at 450 for 20-25 minutes. Eat. Yum.
Eggs, milk, cheese, spinach and maybe add a tomato is a pretty regular meal for me. I like my eggs scrambled as opposed to an omelette but it works well.
Also, oatmeal.
Julie Andrews says hi
OHHHHhhhhhhHHHHHH
Hi!!!
fluffy tummy fluffy tummy fluffy tummy
I want to scritch that fluffy tum! (And then lose my hand, I’m sure)
D’awwwww!
When you’re with her, are you confused?
Triggvy and Freya say hi back!
Marlowe, gentle sleepy guy, ready to chomp anyone who reaches for his napping book.
Marlowe is learning how to cook meth?
I never should have got that dirtbag a library card…
Hi feline Julie Andrews!
Eva declined to be photographed, and sends kitty dagger-glares in your general direction.
Hi, Julie Andrews!
Clio would say hi back, but she’s busy training to be a professional gargoyle right now.
Happy Friday, beloved Toasties! This week I have been giving myself permission to be blunt AF. I told the chef at my work that it was rude for him to tell me to smile, and he sulked all night. (Previous comments include him telling me never to cut my hair, and that I should never get a tattoo. Barf.) I also had some friends in town who are a married couple, and the dude ditched me and his wife to go hang out with a woman in Brooklyn, then brought her to the bar we were at and was just *blatantly* flirting with her all night. So when the lady and the wife were in the bathroom and he made a disparaging comment about his spouse, I turned to him and sweetly said “That seems like a really nice date you’re on with [Random Lady]”. His faaaaace you guys! He was scrambling to explain himself.
This is all fairly out of character for me as I have *always* been overly nice and friendly but this week I had just. Had. It.
In other news I’m slowly moving all my stuff into my beautiful lilac-walled summer sublet! I just cannot wait to live there.
OMG, all the points to you for the date comment. Brilliant.
BAN MEN
[Slackbot “voice”:] (/¯◡ ‿ ◡)/¯ ~ uǝɯ uɐq
Yesss!!! Cheers to not letting stupid men walk all over us or our friends!
The lilac walls clearly have primed you to live your best, bluntest life. I predict a summer full of power and peace for you!
You are awesome, and I want to make you cookies.
Edited to add: And also take notes! Teach me your ways, formerly mild-mannered person?
Yay cookies! And haha, well I think the copious amounts of gin I’d had helped. That, and a burgeoning misanthropy and dwindling amount of patience…
Points! Keep up the good work. Being overly (as opposed to regular) nice is unpaid emotional labor.
Stone. Cold.
Well done.
Well done you! I’m gonna try to follow your example this week. Thanks for being a shining beacon of Calling It Like You See It and Not Taking Shit.
Thats what I’m talkin about! High five!
If there ever was an Official Color of Misandry, lilac would be it. Go forth!
Thank you all for the support my beautiful Toastwitches! Your comments have vanquished the small anxious part of me that was still in there fretting about how Not Nice I had been. You folks are the best!
Fuck being nice. Men* will assume their actions have no negative consequences until you show them otherwise.
*#notallmen**
** #JKdefinitelyallmen
DANG you are a straight-up badass and I applaud your Not Nice!
Well done! That chef makes me so pleased with myself for cutting my hair off this week. And now I want a tattoo more than ever.
This is so great. I find that reading The Toast has helped me retrieve the IDGAF attitude of my youth with regards to being not nice to men. I’m not sure how I misplaced it, but it sure is nice to have back.
Alexandra Petri must be a fan of “If X were your Y” because she has written this:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2…
I’d be lying if I said I don’t cherish a small secret hope of running into Mrs. Obama at [solidcore], where at least we would both be sweating to death and looking wiped and could exchange the standard “we survived!” high-five at the end of class.
““This is so ‘101 Dalmatians,’ ” you say.
“What a spot-on reference,” Michelle says knowingly. At the pun, your heart stops. You don’t even live here. This isn’t your dog. None of that matters now.”
This is the most Toast thing I have ever read that wasn’t actually on The Toast.
The most unrealistic part of this is the idea of saying “I don’t usually carry books with me”.
This was a shitty week in a lot of ways. Still not pregnant, and the hormone supplements made me depressed as all hell. Wife leaving town for the long weekend (has to happen, but neither of us want it to). But I have set up a bunch of friend visits, and a massage, and am generally going to fill up the time with small pleasures like TV she doesn’t watch, and gardening, and baking something decadent.
Aw I’m sorry to hear about the crummy week. Your self care plan for the weekend sounds impeccable though, well done you! Sending good thoughts your way.
Puppy thread!
I am a very proud new mommy to this beast. His name is Wolfgang, and he is the very sweetest animal.
We were falling asleep the other night and he put his little paw in my hand, because obviously we should hold hands in our sleep. It completely cracked my heart open. Also breaking my heart, my boyfriend has started singing little made up nonsense songs to him – peak Dad.
OH my GODDDDD PUPPY, what kind is he?
Best guess, he’s a dachshund-chihuahua mix. He arrived solo at the shelter with no additional info, but he’s definitely got that chihuahua face and very dachshund-like mannerisms.
What a lil snuggly snuggler!
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
He is so precious. Those ears! Those feet! The hand-holding.
Sleep well, Wolfgang.
Soooooo snuggly! What an adorable lil pup.
I adore him!
SLEEPY PUPPY LOOK AT THE SLEEPY PUPPY
i love your puppy and i also love your boyfriend – men singing nonsense songs to cute things is [dies]
Oooohhh… who’s such a cutie?! who’s a good boy?
And about him sticking his paw in your hand: wasn’t that the moment you realized that he is really your little puppy?
I had a similar experience when my cat was just a little kitty. It broke my heart (in a good way) and I realized: this is really my kitty now
Oooooh the darling.
THAT PUP IS TOO MUCH.
*helpless squeaky noises*
omg i died. what.
His tiny front paws tucked into his tiny back paws!
I am a cat person forever and yet I need this puppy like I need AIR.
Career dilemma! Hoping to get some Toastie perspective on this one:
My workplace is about to start a multi-year change process that will completely restructure everything, but no one knows what that looks like. I’m pregnant. We may or may not want to move in two years or so. My boss and coworker are the best people to work with I could ever imagine, but it’s impossible to know how my current job could grow/evolve over the next few years. Right now there is zero opportunity for wage growth; depending on a few factors completely outside my or my boss’s control, I could maybe get 5 percent in the next year.
A job came open (closing today!) that would basically be the manager of this massive change process. I’m qualified, and my boss clued me in to it (they had originally approached her, but failed to realize it would be a downgrade). I have her support if I want to go for it. I’d be working for people that I don’t have a ton of trust for, doing work that most people in my organization are terrified by/don’t want to see happen. It’s also the type of work I would want to keep doing, and incredibly valuable to have on a resume should we move. The new job would have less security (year-to-year contract vs. permanent), which is scary because of said pregnancy, but less scary if we move. It could evolve to something better should we stay, or it could mean it’s a lot harder for me to find another job after because of how sensitive the topic is.
Right now I’m thinking of applying and, if they offer, only taking it if I can get a minimum of a 20 percent pay increase. That salary bump would make a major difference to our lives, and would put me in a stronger place for future positions- and there’s no chance of any growth like that with my current position.
Am I being crazy? Sorry this is so long, I’m trying to wrap my head around it still! TLDR; much more money for harder work with people I don’t quite trust and a boatload of uncertainty, or stay put at a lower wage (also much lower than my coworkers) with the best group and a boatload of uncertainty?
Hi there, in case you care for the opinion of a mostly-lurker-but-longtime-reader, here’s my two cents.
I’d say you go for it. Cange is apparently inevitable at your company, and I’d say it is a much better position to shape it rather than to wait for it to happen to you. During all this planned restructuring there is no guarantee that you team will stay together in its present form anyway.
If this new position aligns with your career goals as well, that’s a perfect opportunity to try it out!
Thank you! Mostly-lurker-longtime-reader opinions are ALWAYS welcome!
Awww… *blushing*
Seconded. Especially since, absolutely worst case, you should have a fancier title/better base pay/sexy resume bullet points you won’t have otherwise, all the better for ship-jumping in future (like, after baby and maxing out FMLA/other leave;) )
Thirded.
Fourth-ed.
DO IT
Thanks, guys! My boss just took me out for coffee cake and we talked a lot more about it, and I’m going to apply. If it doesn’t work out, we’re going to at least try to make a few changes to my job here to get that sexier job title, and she’s going to ask to bump my pay (although we know that’s likely to be refused). If it does work out, I still have her as a safety net/sounding board. She is seriously the best boss in the universe and my wish for all toasties is to get to work for her.
<3 you and your amazing gifs
A-Campers! Who’s going? Who’s excited? Who’s nervous as all fuck and hasn’t started packing yet? (Me, the answer is me).
I will be reading the recaps and crying from across the country.
same
Any expat/immigrants want to talk about living in another culture for a bit. What has been easy to get used to and what has been hard? I find myself saying “different to” instead of “different from” now, which is a change I never expected to happen, but now it just kinda slips out. Anyone else have any little things like that? Or stuff you’ll just never never adjust to?
I’ll never adjust to sweet pickles. They’re an abomination and they don’t sell sour ones anywhere. But I did discover that Subway must get their food from some kind of distribution center because they’re the same as in the US. So I’ve got something!
It’s so hard to adjust to certain food things! It’s funny, some things that people warned me I would miss, for instance, peanut butter, I just kinda don’t? Like I never really loved peanut butter, so I can live without it no sweat.
But perfect, crispy tortilla chips? Ahh nowhere to be found and it’s killing me softly.
Subway is also the only restaurant in the UK where you can get ranch dressing! But no actually sour sourdough bread, anywhere, ever.
I miss real, new york rye bread with caraway seeds in it. mmmm
There is not really any way to say this without sounding like a pretentious jerk, but since I moved to New Country and started using New Language constantly, yeah, my English has changed. Sometimes I get really, irrationally, intensely anxious that it’s degraded — that I’ve lost a sort of ease, an edge fluency. Family members comment (warmly, they’re not being jerks!) that I have funny locutions now and weird ways of expressing things — some are obviously influenced by New Language and some are…not? They’re just strange? My word processing is just basically under constant stress/demand, I think, and that affects even the way I speak my native language, and I wish it didn’t because I worry that it looks affected to other people even though it’s obviously not deliberate, and it bothers me not to be able to express things…I don’t know…easily. Without…blocking.
I actually heard a linguist at a lecture say it: one cannot speak two languages on an equally high level. So one language will always be dominant, while the other(s) are just lurking beneath the surface, but never quiiiite on the same level of readiness and ease of use.
So, to an extent it’s not an affectation, it’s how our brain works? He said it takes a few weeks to readjust to a different language once you’re immersed in it.
This. Recently went back to Native Country for a wedding and got asked (informed, really) soooo many times: “You’re not from here.” In a way that suggested it wasn’t just because I’m from the opposite coast the wedding was on. I kept using false cognates in English! Like saying that a person who was polite was “educated.”
One thing I will never adjust to is other languages that have two forms of you, like tu and vous in French. I just love our indeterminate second person.
God yes. When speaking my first language, English, I sometimes use German or Italian sentence structure, even though the vocabulary is correct. This happened more with Italian, though, because German sentence structure is so very different to English.
I’m in Germany (specifically Bavaria) for a semester, and I cannot get used to the random middle-of-the-week church holidays when everything, including the supermarkets, is suddenly closed and I’m out of toilet paper/food/alcohol
Ooof yes! Things close in my neighborhood around 10pm, and it’s been an adjustment because I was kind of expecting a New York-style city that never sleeps or at least a few 7-11 equivalents, but nope: plan ahead or doooom.
This town is so tiny, all the local shops close at 6 (and they turn off the traffic lights, as well!). The chain stores are usually open until 8, but that’s still kind of ridiculous
As an expat (lived abroad for a year twice in different countries) the thing I could not get used to is missing a sort of cultural fabric. It seemed to me that when you grow up in a country, your cohort shares collective memories of foods, popular pastimes and TV-shows or music that a newcomer just cannot grasp.
At the same time, my (collective) memories were worthless, because they did not mean anything to my peers. I felt strangely unmoored by this.
Say, when someone reminisced about sleepovers and s’mores, I had nothing to add. Sleepover parties were not a thing where I grew up and the idea of melting marshmallows, chocolate and crackers never, ever occurred to us. So I had no nostalgia or even a memory connected to that activity to share it with my new peer group.
Yes! This has been one of the hardest bits for me to adjust to as well. Luckily there’s some overlap between American and British pop culture, so every now and then I get a reference from having watched something on PBS’ BBC America or something. But 9 times out of 10 I just don’t get the in jokes or mine fall flat.
For instance, my coworker asked me a question about the US, and I followed it up my answer with “… and the street are made of cheese.” And it just didn’t connect. And then I had to explain an American Tail and Fievel and we all got back on the same page eventually, but …
I’ve been trying to make it up by doing a bunch of reading and exploring and whatnot. I even learned all the rules to cricket. But it’s definitely very different from just growing up and living/breathing a culture from the get go.
I try to make An American Tail references to my Brit husband aaaalllll the time, and all I ever get in response is a blank stare 🙁
It’s not fair really, I understand Monty Python and Alan Partridge jokes!
My spelling got really, really wonky. It’s not a big thing, and along the same lines as spoken language changes, but it lingered long after I moved back home. It’s like there was this big mishmash of linguistic differences in my head and it would emerge at weird times. Like the time I wrote ‘pitta’ and ‘aluminium foil’ on my grocery list and couldn’t figure out why they looked a little wrong, or the time I completely blanked on the American spelling of ‘license’.
My spelling is mostly back to standard American English now, but I really was a bit worried there for a while.
Yuup, I’m okay with adding an extra ‘u’ as needed, but then I saw “annexe” written on the side of a building and I was genuinely stumped if that’s how it had always been spelled and I was just loosing touch with how words work or maybe it was really ‘anex’. It was my 2+2=5 moment, and I’m still recovering.
It’s always the words no one prepares you for. Who makes jokes about how Americans spell ‘annexe’ all funny? No one!
I refuse to say courgette for zucchini. NEVER!!!!
Coriander is a spice, not an herb!!!!!
So many thoughts and feelings (and a whole blog) about this.
I often feel disoriented by not having the cultural context for references and interactions. In a sort of British stiff upper lip way, conversations have lots of subtext here, and I am often in government meetings where I am psychoanalyzing my meeting companions. Like, “he yelled at us about thing X, but I thing this means that he is upset that we are about to get Thing Y approved, and he needs to save face… so from his sentence structure and hints, I’d say we had a good meeting?”
Also, I often literally do not understand what is going on, as I do not know much Hindi. I often have to take a breath and make peace with uncertainty.
It is often challenging to move around outside the house / office here. There is pollution, honking. beggars, street commerce, broken sideways, street animals, intense heat, aggressive autos. It is not pedestrian-friendly, and I miss not feeling embattled when I walk. I also have fair skin and light hair, so I can immediately be identified as an outsider, and I get approached all the time. As an introvert who gets anxiety about taking to strangers (especially in a non-native language) and being looked at, I miss being completely anonymous on the streets of the U.S. I am gloriously nothing special there. I often ask myself how much I really NEED groceries/ housewares/ etc, because I would have to brave the world. It has made my even more of a home body than I already am. In the U.S., I would research new ways to explore my city, but I don’t feel like I know a ton about the place I live now. It seems exhausting and insurmountable.
A this point I feel that I would also be ok with never ever eating Indian food again in my life once I return to the U.S., but I have enough self-awareness to think that that intense feeling may change over time.
Internet hugs and encouragement to you if/when you need them. This sounds very demanding.
I lived in Germany for 2 years, and I worked in a research group with mostly Germans but a US boss and a bunch of other international researchers, so we spoke English generally. I found myself using every form of the progressive tense ALL THE TIME because of how many of the Germans spoke English, which they spoke very well just with some oddities (to me). I never got used to the lack of spicy food, even in the Asian and “Mexican” restaurants. You eat super spicy mustard, why can you not eat spicy Thai food? I also never got used to not being able to find 1) Burt’s Bees lip balm (apparently some of my ex-pat friends who are still there have found a source) and 2) Tom’s of Maine deodorant.
Inspired by cloud_yeller’s link to peacock spiders this morning, what’s your favorite animal dance? My current favorite is the red headed manakin (seen here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o42C6ajjqWg)- truly one of the joys of the world.
What a treasure! Beautiful bird, and so funkay.
That moonwalking bird is amazing!
IDK if this counts but my sister in law just shared this video and !!! https://www.facebook.com/omgfactsonline/videos/10…
ALL manakins are wonderful. Check out these weirdos, who are trying to be crickets: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FHSQQMnOko
And these guys, who actually have an elaborate hierarchy governing who gets to jump over whom: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9GKvzS0cpM
ETA: YOU KNOW WHO ELSE? RIFLEBIRDS
The Superb Bird of Paradise, the flamenco dancer of the rain forest https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7QZnwKqopo
My favorite animal dancer is my dog. Her pre-food jive is on point, but you’ll have to take my word for it since there’s no video proof.
Hi, today is the last day of my job and I’m feeling feelings about it! I’m leaving to focus on my postbac premed courses, which is Good because school + work left 0 hours for anything else, but school is not full-time. So I’m worried about shifting so quickly into a drastically lower gear, and also about not being the breadwinner in my household for the first time since… ever.
How do you motivate yourself to get things done when you have whole empty days in which to do them??
Congrats – let those feelings come! That’s a big step. I don’t know if this would work for large blocks of empty days, but when I have a day off and need to get stuff done, I usually make a big list of things to do. Then I pull out the three or four things that are most urgent, or are the first steps of bigger tasks. (Assuming I’ve broken my big tasks down into smaller items, of course.) And I try to block out stretches of time where I’m going to work on them – you can mark off as much as you need; I usually do 1-hour blocks.
I like to write those 3-4 main things on a piece of scrap paper in marker and leave it where I have to see it constantly if I get distracted. And I try to get those done that day, if nothing else. Can you set up deadlines based on your coursework to determine what needs doing on which day/week and then go from there?
i shared this on the slack #openthread channel but thought we should amass some good stories here of times when you were actually, in fact, too witches.
share your witch stories in the replies!
i wanted very much to be a teenage witch, so i bought a book about how to get started from a very witchy bookstore, and read it many times. it described how to make your supplies, set up a spell circle and some basic spells. it also talked about a witchy code of ethics and how you weren’t just gonna witch all up wherever you wanted to—you have magic now, and you need to keep that dangerous stuff in check!
mainly, i didn’t get to spell casting, more than buying doves blood and dripping it in my candle to half-heartedly get my first boyfriend back, but i did make my supplies. they included a knife and 2 candle holders to be lettered with magic runes. the knife would be tied to a ribbon, affixed to the floor and used to draw my practicing circle, which i was to imagine was a ring of flames surrounding me. i managed to tastefully paint the runes on the candle holders with acrylic paint, but i guess i didn’t have any white, because i remember the knife handle was done with white-out. i kept all this stuff in a drawer with candles and incense, and put candles in the candle holders, but never drew a circle on the floor. my bedroom didn’t have enough room, really, and i was not witches enough to move the bed every time.
like many things of that era, this trailed off and eventually scared my mom and i disposed of my witch supplies. but i still have a box of crystals and still throw tarot cards around now & again.
Where does one acquire dove’s blood, anyway?
The Psychic Eye, this very witchy bookstore i went to was more than just a book store. they carried crystals and incense and all kinds of magic supplies. so the dove’s blood was there in this little bottle [i am sure it was not actual blood, but some consecrated witch-blessed red substitute]. i had seen dove’s blood figure regularly in love spells, so i figured i’d probably need it.
See, I have the opposite issue. I grew up v. churchy, and I jokingly mentioned going to a psychic for the heck of it to my sister. My sister confessed that she didn’t think that she could go through with it, because try as she might she COULD NOT dismiss the story of The Witch of Endor from her head, and none of us want to ACTUALLY raise the prophet Samuel from the dead only to have him tell us that we will lose our throne to that young interloper, David, and that the host of Israel will be delivered unto the Phillistines. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witch_of_Endor
Lesson? Clearly not nearly witches enough. Not nearly sufficient witches.
ETA: If you want to scare the CRAP out of your kids, I highly recommend having them read I and II Samuel at a tender age.
i love it though, it’s stuff like this that keeps the witches powerful! also, as long as you know you can tell some dudes you are too witches to go with them, you are always witches enough.
I…kind of have a similar issue, as a full-grown adult. I have friends who read tarot, etc, and I’m intrigued, but a little voice keeps telling me that YOU’LL ONLY LEARN BAD SHIT THAT WAY.
Thanks to II Kings 2:23-24, I also reflexively don’t make fun of bald men, just in case there are any bears lurking around. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Ki…
You never can be too careful about bears.
i use the crowley deck because it was my dad’s set, which only advocates one throw, and that has 2 possible roads for how things might go for you, and are highly open to lots of interpretation. the book about the cards [as opposed to the tl;dr pamphlet that comes with them] rambles on about all kinds of symbolism in each image, and lots of mystic philosophy, so there is so much witchery to make of what you see. there are also 2 areas that respond to “the psychological nature of the question” and the general atmosphere of your current state. so it’s wide open.
so do you truly learn things? not really. you draw similarities, and often see good reminders about yourself and your options, both good & bad. i like it, always entertaining.
I grew up very Catholic, but somehow missed that tarot is evil. I had a friend who read tarot jn college (as so many of us do), and asked the cards if I should study abroad. They said yes, I did, it was great. The end. Five stars, would tarot again.
SAME. I had my first tarot reading done when I was 25-26 ish and all I could think of the whole time was that someone at my church was going to think I was a witch and then not suffer me to live. I mean not really, but still.
Now I just want to know how to be more witches and read tea leaves at parties or something.
YES that story creeped me out so much!!! still does tbh
I discovered that bringing a candle into the woods to meditate on a summer night is a good way to get covered in bugs.
a very witchy lesson learned, indeed! i learned the same thing about keeping an led lantern on in our tent one night while camping.
A++ witch in training.
I used to do house exorcisms part-time on a referral basis. Hilariously, when I went back to school, a grad student who had no knowledge of my prior experience asked me to purify her office for her.
that’s amazing! she could tell, huh?
when we bought our house, i did sage and palo santo to all the windows and doors to bid the old lady off to rest and protect us from her son’s drug dealers who took over the house during probate. then i burned the palm-leaf woven cross that was left behind after they moved, just to make sure jesus didn’t also show up to hang out.
I am in LOVE with this and must know what it is from!
It’s from a movie called ‘What We Do in the Shadows’! Hilarious, definitely recommended!
Oh oh oh, it is What We Do In the Shadows, which is this impossibly charming mockumentary about variously-aged vampires sharing a flat in New Zealand.
Did that work to keep the drug dealers away? Because I had that problem with the vacant house next door all of last summer. I will try anything, since calling the city to complain doesn’t seem to have any effect.
i’d love to say “it” worked, but i also think the fact that the main dude was in jail overlapping with the home sale and for a year following might have also helped.
As a child, I was inspired by the book Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley and Me, Elizabeth and I took all of our empty bottles from the bathroom and mixed plant leaves with alcohol and lotions to make “potions.” I then created a hideout behind my dresser (angled against the corner so there was a space in the back) and wrote down made up witch recipes. My mother found the elixirs when they had started to smell and was not best pleased, but I still remember my potions and spells stage of young childhood fondly.
i LOVE this childhood witchery! a favorite dish in our treehouse [which was also a backroads restaurant] was a soup of dried leaves and water, which we named Crumpled Crine. As in “hi honey, our soup of the day today is Crumpled Crine.”
but your instincts are so witches, this thing of proto-tinctures that you invented is just what witches do.
Abigail from Washington state, thank you so much for your Toast Post! You’d asked a question and I’d be happy to write back but there was no return address? I’ve seen people chatting about this before, how is everyone generally handling this? Email exchange?
I put my twitter handle on mine. But a few I’ve gotten have included their return address.
I wrote an Abigail in Washington state! I mailed a second card last week that’s in an envelope with my return address on it! If you are the Toastie I am corresponding with, you should get it soon!
It was Abigail from Washington state who wrote me, so I think we are transitive correspondents rather than direct. Which makes me realise a map of all the Toast Post connections would be FASCINATING.
I was so excited by the idea that I was getting Secret Toast Post messages in the comment threads that I completely misread you– sorry. But, hey! Cool to meet the correspondent of my correspondent!
Likewise!
That’s me and yes, I got it yesterday! Thank you, I love Bosch — so delightfully weird. I have a note back to you in the works, so keep an eye out 🙂
It is I, Abigail from Washington state! I’m glad you got the postcard. I totally didn’t think about the return address thing! Sorry! I’m @AbsterMB on twitter if you do that?
I have just joined, spurred on by the imminent closure of the Toast! I’m @aqueousmedium1 over there, will holler.
My loves! I have missed you! Health related whining in the reply.
So, on the day of our Grand and Sorrowful Announcement, I had what I thought was terrible heartburn. But I was having a gallstone attack, with intense pain, sweating, panic, heart palpitations, burning, bloating, and all around misery. Like an idiot I figured, oh, I should just go home from work and take it easy, I’m sure it’s just a nasty case of heartburn, like those nasty cases of heartburn I’ve been having now and then for the last two months, I’ll call my husband and tell him I am coming home and rest will fix me. They tell you terrible heartburn spells feel like a heart attack, well, yep, that must be it.
Rest Friday, still a problem but not acute, then on Saturday our heroine begins a course of misery and vomiting. Ah, take it easy, all shall be well. ALL WAS NOT WELL. My darlings, I had acute pancreatitis from a blocked bile duct and was too foolish to go to the hospital until Wednesday morning, when projectile vomiting followed every single thing entering my mouth, from a half-glass of water to an ill-advised meal of fish and rice.
I was in the hospital until Monday night, you guys. I feel lucky to be alive. On Wednesday they started me on IV fluids, Thursday they did a procedure to clear the bile duct, Friday they took out my gallbladder. I had internal bleeding and needed a blood transfusion. I was only able to start eating food again on Monday morning.
I was so scared you guys. I feel like a new person. The one upside (other than not dying ofc) is that surviving on IV fluid for five days caused me to lose like twenty pounds. I am going to get my hair cut and colored today as a pick-me-up.
Word to the wise — intense pain that feels like a heart attack might actually be a good reason to go to the emergency room. Obvious, right? Not when you are a pigheaded minimizer like yours truly. I should have had this done two months ago. UGH GIVE ME ALL THE SYMPATHY the end
OH HONEY
Oh no how horrible! So glad you survived and are on the mend, but what an awful thing to go through. ALL THE SYMPATHY IS YOURS
OH MY GOD I AM SO GLAD YOU’RE NOT DEAD
Show us pics of your new hair, yeah?
So glad you’re ok!!! Oh my gosh!!!
This is why I had to miss Cookbook Club!
Oh my goodness, no! I’m so sorry this happened to you. Good advice about the not minimizing, but don’t be too judgy with yourself. We all do it sometimes. It’s so hard to judge when something is just the normal ugh of having a body or if it’s serious. You did the best you could! Glad you’re ok.
I’m having a party tomorrow (themed for the Indy 500 because I am from Indy and the race itself is enormously boring and loud and terrible but it’s a quirky hometown thing, you know?)!
What are your favorite substantial-appetizer-type foods? We have the menu pretty well set, but if something sounds awesome maybe we can make it too! (Bonus points if gluten free, dairy free, or vegetarian.)
Also I’m writing a round of trivia (also Indy 500 themed) and I am nervous about it even though literally no one else will care!
Have a great party! I didn’t realize (or remember, my memory is shot these days) that you were from Indianapolis. The Burgomaster wants to see the Indy 500 in person sometime. I couldn’t care less about watching cars endlessly zoom around, but my parents live there, we’ve gone to the museum a couple times, and someday if I ever have the money I’m gonna sign up for that supercar driving training they offer.
Hope your party is fantastic!
I’ve been to the race in person a few times, because my dad was a team lead for overnight security at the track and he got free tickets. It sucked – loud, hot, boring, full of drunk rednecks.
My grandparents lived 6 blocks from the track, though, so I made bank running a lemonade stand outside their house on race day when I was a kid.
Not sure if it counts as substantial, but if you have a food processor or similar, you can make one of Rick Bayless’s salsas (I make this one all the time). It’s great because you basically put things in the food processor and turn it on and then turn it off and then there’s salsa, but people are super-impressed. (Also gluten and dairy free and vegan).
Oh this is actually awesome! One of my friends is allergic to vinegar (…I know), so we always buy the one brand of salsa that doesn’t use it, but I don’t know why it never occurred to us to just make our own!
It’s a conspiracy by Big Salsa.
I will care because you will probably write great questions and I will feel the need to turn in my Hoosier card if I get them wrong.
(Hi.)
Obviously, shots of milk should be served at the end.
I have recently re-discovered the wonder that are (is?) deviled eggs. So yummy. And gluten free if you use gf mayonaise.
I’m also fond of quinoa salads as a gf alternative to pasta salads that don’t involve gf pasta. I make one that’s cooked quinoa, sweet corn (off the cob), chopped red onions, cherry tomatoes and a splash of olive oil and vinegar. There are tons of quinoa salad recipes out there.
I’M SEEING HAMILTON THIS WEEKEND! We’ll be in literally the last row in the theater, but we’ll be there 😀
We’re coming from out of town, and our Saturday night is unbooked. My ideal would be to find someplace we can sit, have a drink and hear some live music. Any recommendations? The music can be almost anything (I mean, preferably played well, but jazzy or rocky or folksy or funky are all fine), the sit-and-relax part is highly desired. Every time I go to NYC I google “live music NYC” and get overwhelmed by a million options and give up. We’ll be staying near the Museum of Natural History, if that helps.
The Village Voice seems to recommend the Bowery Electric, which is an East Village bar that hosts rock acts. They’ll have a band called Electric Feel playing Saturday at 10pm.
Smalls in the west village for fairly serious jazz sessions. Bar, no food.
this looks right up my alley, thanks!
I saw Hamilton last week in the last (full) row, and can attest it is lovely/visible regardless!
it’s kitten season! i just got a litter to foster, so so so CUTE!
Yay foster kittens! My current batch is about to get adopted (someone is coming to meet one of them tonight, and someone is coming for another one on Sunday), and I’m realizing I could actually get another batch this summer! This is the first year I’ve started early enough for there to still be kittens after the first ones go home.
congrats on your adoptions! i’m hoping i got these guys small enough to get them adopted fairly soon.
I die with the cuteness.
So, this is a problem that only affects me once every few months, but does anyone have coping strategies for fears that their life will completely break down?
Some background: there was a point in my life where everything seemed great. I was excited to be in a new town starting grad school, my ex and I lived together and life seemed exciting. Then everything went to hell. I had a terrible time at school, I couldn’t make friends or find jobs in this town, there were sudden deaths and illnesses in my familes which emotionally fucked us up, and then my ex broke up with me and left me all alone to process this (I was far away from my family). This all happened within a year and a half.
Nearly six years later I finally feel like my life is moving towards a state where I can be content, but every now and then I am terrified that all the bad things will happen again.
Can anyone share coping strategies or stories of over coming hard time and being happy?
That is a lot to happen in eighteen months. I understand feeling overwhelmed by Too Much Shit Happening At Once. I understand feeling like life is completely breaking down. To be honest, my best coping strategy boils down to “Life hasn’t killed me yet and I have no reason to believe it’ll get the best of me this time, either.”
You made it through those eighteen months and here you are, six years later! You’ve been on the road to peace and contentment all this time. You’ll remember how to find it again if (when) you need to. You’ve got this. You can do it. You’ll be okay.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
Agreeing with this! You have a 100% track record of surviving the bad days.
I literally started therapy yesterday with the goal of developing coping strategies (I walked in with that written on a 3 x 5 card) so as not to personally fall apart the next time “things” inevitably do. So far (and again, I’m one day in) that means looking at the good and keeping my focus there, but I also hope to build up a little insurance policy against those big souffle-flop changes. Wishing you luck and resilience.
You guys I started sleep training my baby and it is going V WELL and all of your help earlier this week really bolstered my confidence and HOW WILL I EVER RAISE MY BABY WITHOUT THE TOAST
It is possible that my newly well-rested state is giving me more energy than I can handle. I am drunk on sleep.
Yay!
I know! My sister is moving away, no Toast, all my baby raising advice plans are falling apart. And congrats on the magical, magical sleep
Yay! I’m so glad it’s going well. Get all the sleep!
I’m still working on my masters’* applications and I hate everything.
Every uni wants different stuff; I sent in something two weeks ago already (verrry early for my country), and they wanted me to fill out a very long application form online, then print this out and send it by post, along with notarised copies of my certifications. Most other unis only want an online application and a scan of the certificate. (You hand in notarised copies after you get in.)
Those two on top of my list require a motivation letter. I fear I won’t get in the first one because they only accept about ten people per year and I don’t know how to make it clear why I want to be part of this binational course.
The second one additionally requires a CV and I thought that’s it, but today I realised that, if letter, grades and CV are to their satisfaction, I have to take part in an interview about my skills in comparative literature. I don’t think I will pass this.
And I also fear that at least half of the unis are going to reject me because I made a mistake in the application process.
So please tell me (not necessarily academic) stories about times when you thought everything was going to be terrible and it turned out to be alright, or just tell me it’s going to be fine, or commiserate with me.
*Master’s? Master’s’s?
Much commiseration! Here is my story of dealing with German universities to encourage you that everything will be alright.
This year, I had to convert the grade of my English A levels to a German Abitur and it was a nightmare. I did some A levels before and some after a change to the English grading system and because of how the grade conversion is done in Germany, I was really worried that this would reduce my converted mark.
I want to do a psychology Bachelors, which is super competitive, so the converted grade was really important. In my application to the government office responsible for doing the conversion, I wrote a letter explaining the change to the English grading system and including a letter from the A level exam board, confirming the change.
Many weeks later, I received the converted grade and they had indeed disregarded the letter, meaning that my converted grade was much lower than expected. They also said that I was only qualified to do a degree in humanities, technology, or natural sciences. But, I thought, isn’t psychology a social science?
So I had a week of absolutely chilled heart dread that my grade was too low to get onto the psychology course AND that even if I could get the grade pushed up, I had done the wrong subjects and wouldn’t be able to study psychology. I had spent the preceding two years studying independently to take new A levels so I could do a psychology degree and it appeared to have been a total waste of time.
There’s this horrible feeling of being completely powerless in the face of massive anonymous bureaucracies that aren’t set up to deal with anyone who falls even slightly outside their parameters. And that is what I felt for one horrible week.
But! I contacted my first-choice university and asked how they classified psychology. They said ‘for us, it’s a humanity, so you can apply here.’
Then I wrote a letter to the people at the grade conversion office, arguing my case, and they replied within a week with an updated conversion to the highest Abitur mark possible.
So I went from absolute dread to absolute jubilation in a week. And next week the application window for my course opens and I am all ready to apply.
Can you maybe contact the universities directly to ask about the consequences of the mistake you made in the application process? I think any small step like that will increase your sense of agency and power when dealing with this horrible faceless system, which will hopefully then make you realise that you can totally rock the motivation letter and any possible interviews too.
But, yes, it’s horrible. German education system bureaucracy solidarity!
(Also, many German friends didn’t know this, but if you need an Amtliche Beglaubung of your copies, some universities will accept it from the parish office (Pfarramt) of a state-recognised church. I got mine done at a local Catholic church, even though I am not Catholic. It was faster and cheaper than going to the council office and they had a plate of free cookies at reception. So that is my secret tip!)
Thank you! I hope all goes well for you from now on and your first-choice university accepts you! I assume you want to stay in Berlin?
I don’t actually know that I made mistakes, I just feel like it is absolutely possible because everything is so complicated and I’m so overwhelmed :(. And I feel like I’m running out of time; I have to hand in the motivation letters by Tuesday and haven’t finished them. Yesterday was a holiday here and I took today off to work on the applications, but I also have to do work for my other job, and this just sucks.
I actually know about Beglaubigungen from the parish! But the one uni that had this very early deadline wanted actual Beglaubigungen from official places. I wasn’t willing to pay 20 Euros for this, so I just sent them Beglaubigungen from my current uni aka the place where I got the degree. If they don’t accept this, then fine, I DON’T WANT TO ATTEND YOUR STUPID UNI ANYWAY. (Really, their application process was terrible and I do judge universities based on that.)
Oh that university is the worst! Do they think students are made of money? Imagine if every university asked for the same.
I’m sure you have got this and that you will get everything done in time.
*sending motivational lettery thoughts your way*
You are going to do great. It’s harder to mess these things up than you think it is, and most admissions offices will contact you for clarification instead of dismissing you outright!
Thank you <3. Not sure about the admissions offices contacting people though…
I submitted my undergrad application for one school two hours before the due date, discovered my application essay had an extra and unrelated sentence from my outline tacked on the end, cheerfully had a mediocre interview, and ended up getting in to the university with around a 3% acceptance rate for regular decision anyway. I believe in you!
Thank you! That is indeed a story with a messy beginning and a happy ending, and I’m glad everything turned out alright for you.
Someone I know has a crush on me! It will never go anywhere for reasons, but she is delightful and I am delighted just to know–I’ve had very few times in my life when I’ve known about someone crushing on me, and no times when it was a fellow woman.
Would anyone like to talk about Call the Midwife with me? I have been watching it a lot recently (since my boyfriend watched an episode with me and discovered he loved it, meaning it’s no longer a thing I just watch now and again when he’s out) and am a few episodes into S4. I am very, very fond of it. Part of it is the fact that it is so very female-led; men are there, and are often great characters, but are really just incidental to most plotlines. If you took the male characters away, it would be fine; if you took the female characters away, you wouldn’t have a programme. I enjoy the vast amounts of Bechdel Test passing, the many ways of being a woman which are depicted, and the fact that the show is, at its heart, about women supporting each other.
It makes me cry a lot, frequently while wailing things about how wonderful the NHS/the welfare state is. Another thing I really enjoy is the fact that, though it is easy to write off as a cosy teatime period drama, it engages with hard-hitting subjects which still are (sadly) topics of debate today, and promotes a quietly radical agenda. I do worry, though, that it runs the risk of falling into the “our characters are sympathetic, so none of them will hold period-typical views which a modern audience would find unappealing” trap (I just watched the episode in which a man was prosecuted for gross indecency).
I just finished the most recent season, which fixed a lot of the problems I had with the previous season. The crying does not stop. I cry through every episode, but it is so good I can’t stop watching.
I watched the first four seasons and I generally enjoyed it. I loved the focus on women’s stories, and giving women agency. I didn’t read the memoir it was initially based one, but I found that as it has diverged from that it got (for me) a little too soap-opera and dramatic. The constant tragedies got to be too overwhelming for me. And the way they ended a particular plotline at the end of season four (I think it was four? I won’t be explicit about it since you may not have gotten there) made me so angry that I almost threw my tv out the window, so I haven’t gone back this season.
If it’s Patsy/Delia’s storyline, it’s not actually ended yet. I loved the first 3 seasons, but was less enthralled about season 4, so much so I only watched about three episodes of season 5 (and was seriously upset at the assault on Mary Cynthia which they seemed to have completely forgotten about by the next episode). I think it bothers me because Worth only published the 3 memoirs which corresponded with the first seasons and it’s not the same without the actual main character/narrator being involved. Worth’s family aren’t too happy with them continuing the series beyond that and have said that the last 2 seasons were pure fiction and has gotten too far from her writing and the feel of her books.
Yeah, that’s the one. It just seems so lazy and shallow to me that it’s 2016 and writers are still like ‘Hmm, there’s no way these characters could POSSIBLY have had a happy ending in the fifties, or even a non-tragic one, so let’s play it for maximum pathos.’ Same with the assault, which I read about but did not see. I already cried through almost every episode I’ve seen of that show, I didn’t need the characters to be in unrelenting misery. It’s not freaking Game of Thrones. I know the writers have talked about feeling freed up once they were past the actual memoirs, but I think it took some of the realism out of the show, and they’ve indulged in too much drama.
Definitely, even if they’ve continued that storyline, the forcible separation and seemingly permanent unhappy ending for those characters in season 4 was troubling. I’ve wondered if they had always planned to continue it, or if they got so much backlash after separating the characters that they felt they had to resolve it better. It would have been bad anyway, but especially given the major relationship issues in the show over season 3-4 (Jenny’s boyfriend dying, Trixie and Tom breaking up, Chummy and Peter separated while she’s in training, Shelagh’s infertility), it was kind of an overall arc of misery. And I agree about the over-reliance on drama and lack of realism. I know the creators are still looking to historical details for the overall plotlines, but it’s too much soap opera in the individual character’s lives.
THERE’S A SEASON 5 NOW?
goddamn it netflix.
Yeah, it just barely finishing airing on PBS, last week I think. But the season is already on DVD, so Netflix should have it soon.
I met Jenny Agutter (Sister Julienne) very briefly a few months ago. (She’s a friend of one of my co-workers.) She said the upcoming season (the one that just ended on PBS) would be exciting, but I found it mostly heart-wrenching. What a joy, though, to see all these strong female characters and actors.
I love Call the Midwife. I keep trying to get my husband to watch it with me and he danced around before admitting he will probably never want to watch it. Such dismay! He’s missing out on all of the charming horror and Sister Monica Joan talking about gamma rays.
I love Call The Midwife. Even when it is not at its best, it is a joy to watch a show centered about women and their professions. The books that the show is based on are also good (albeit full of some horrific stories).
So last week I wrote about how I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out with this Tinder guy a second time because I had to carry the conversation on our first date. Well, I decided to give him another shot. He asked if I wanted to get dinner somewhere in my neighborhood (he lives in a very close suburb of the city I live in which was another reason why I wasn’t sure I wanted to bother) so I suggested a place and we set a time. He messaged me about 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet saying he would be 10-15 minutes late and was concerned about finding parking, which, ok, whatever, at least he let me know. I tried to get to the place late but as a compulsively punctual person who always overbudgets for time, I ended up getting there exactly on time. But whatever, I ordered a beer and sat at the bar and played with my phone. Time passes and he doesn’t show. More time passes. The host keeps walking by and looking at me pityingly. Eventually I message him asking for an ETA and get no response. Finally, 30 minutes after he said he’d be there (so 45 minutes after we were originally supposed to meet) I decide I’ve had it and message him that I’m going home. After doing a shot with the bartender (free, because he knows my brother-in-law and also probably felt sorry for me) I got an Uber, at which point dude sent me a message apologizing and saying he had been trying to park for the last half hour. I figured that it was something like that and I honestly felt kind of terrible about it since he had to drive in from the suburbs but at least send me a damn update if it’s taking that long, guy! Anyway, I told him that it wasn’t going to work to go out again because he lives too far away and he sent me an actually really sweet message about how he understands but he’ll always wonder what would have happened if circumstances were different because he liked me a lot and I was like “Oh honey I was not even that into you in the first place but ok” (though I kept that to myself). The whole thing was very dumb and when I got home I made some popcorn and watched Can’t Hardly Wait and decided for the millionth time that dating is too much of a pain in the ass to bother with.
tl;dr Dating sucks and you will never regret choosing to spend the evening watching 90s teen movies at home
At least he did eventually message? But year, 90’s teen movies are awesome.
Oh, good grief. If he can’t find a parking spot and effectively parallel park in less than 30 minutes, I feel like he must be missing other important life skills, like…well, the specifics escape me. But even that might be an acceptable failing if he had at least given you an update, y’know? As it is, it sounds like you’re well rid of him. Popcorn + 90s teen movie > That guy who can’t park.
Ok, I have serious issues with parking, so I sympathize. But I also avoid areas of town where parking is especially minimal and would be inclined to suggest an alternate place if a date suggested one of those areas (and have in the past).
Yeah, I don’t fault anybody for not being able to park since I am terrible at it. But at a certain point maybe say “Hey I’m sorry but there’s no parking, can I pick you up and we’ll go somewhere else?” FFS, it’s not like we had reservations at the Ritz.
OK I’m gonna Speak Out and say that I am very prone to highly incompetent driving in situations like being lost or not being able to find parking, and I guess I’m missing other life skills too but so are a lot of people, and not all of us are neurotypical and able to conform to what most people think we should be able to do.
None of which has anything to do with the horrors of dating or catweazle’s prerogative to give up on this dude, of course.
Sorry I’ve got some gin with me and driving touches a nerve apparently.
I am HERE for this. I’m currently trying to figure out how to gently break the news that I’d rather watch 90s teen movies at home to 2 separate gents. It’s so much work! I doesn’t help that I don’t feel at my most confident weight and resent that it takes me at least an hour to get “first-date ready” whereas they probably shower and throw on whatever’s clean.
And this:
“Oh honey I was not even that into you in the first place but ok” is just too, too real. High five; going to watch Ten Things I Hate About You on my couch tonight.
I got super good at this while doing the OKC thing. My standard was “I enjoyed meeting you/our date/whatever, but I don’t want to go out with you again. Best of luck!” Leave NO ROOM for argument. If you pad it with kind fluff, they argue and cajole and whine. I had excellent luck being direct.
(The one time I tried to soften it, something like “while you are charming, I find I’m enjoying solitude right now” I got a barrage of text messages from the dude.)
Thank you! This is helpful. I am a rather experienced OKC dater and I still struggle with the radical honesty/gentle letdown.
Anyone have thoughts on crossfit? I’m interested in trying it and have found a woman-owned gym that seems not too insane, but I’m a little put off by what I’ve heard about it being a little culty.
From what I’ve heard, it is 100% dependent on the gym. Some gyms are great, others not so much. I think if you’ve heard good things about that gym, it’s definitely worth trying at least!
Agreed, and I suspect that a woman-owned gym MIGHT NOT have as much chance of being offputting.
Agreed. I enjoyed the one I went to where I lived previously (partially because a friend of mine was a trainer), and they were a lot less “culty” than most, but they maintained a feeling of friendship and support.
honestly you probably want just a little culty, it helps to keep you going.
I’ve been wanting to try it, but there aren’t any places near where I live. There’s one sort of close to my new workplace, though, and one of these days I will go to the free trial class. My partner doesn’t want me to try it because of the cult thing, hah.
A bunch of friends from my old job are super into it, and I find that interesting because they’re all very different types of people.
I have a friend who does it and loves it, but I cannot help but notice that she seems to have suffered a higher number of injuries than usual since she started, most of which seem to be the result of pushing herself too hard.
My physical therapist has her own name for Crossfit: “job security.”
I found it no more culty than, well, The Toast tbh. It’s very community-oriented and they do encourage a congenially lively atmosphere. Which I, personally, quite enjoyed. I miss it a lot.
Dittoing the bit about not pushing yourself to the point of injury. I was never an athletic person, but when I found CrossFit, everyone at my box was so fantastic and encouraging. I learned how to enjoy pushing my body so I way overdid it to the point of putting myself into adrenal fatigue. Pace yourself, don’t fall prey to any silly competitive stuff (my box was really good about letting the competitive people be competitive and the for-funsies people be for-funsies), and have a good time!
I’m echoing other people on here, but MAKE SURE, if you decide to do it, that you have someone show you proper form. If the group doesn’t have a trainer to show you proper form, ask for recommendations to a personal trainer and spend the money for 1-2 sessions and have the trainer show you, with hands-on physical repositioning of your body, if necessary (and if you’re comfortable with that kind of thing, obvs), what doing the exercises properly looks/feels like. DO NOT, under any circumstances, let the group talk you into doing anything you feel you’re not ready for, and don’t feel bad if you have to stop when you’re not supposed to stop. Above all, as with any form of exercise, listen to your body and STOP if you have persistent pain.
It’s really gym dependent. I did it for about 6 months at a super laid-back gym (I’m pretty sure that all but one of the dude trainers got into it so they could keep up with their surfing). You really want to do the beginner’s classes, and nth-ing that you should be certain they show you good form. I started avoiding classes by one of the trainers who wasn’t bad, as such, but was way less involved in checking on everyone’s form during the classes. The other trainers were really good about it, though, and I learned a lot.
From my personal experience, the female trainers were generally better about checking form, and were significantly better at being encouraging you to push yourself without going to the point of overworking yourself. So a women-owned gym will probably be good for starting out at.
I have a question I imagine people here have some good opinions on. I wear mostly skirts/dresses, and my thighs touch. What is everyone’s best way to reduce friction? I have considered Skimmies and the like, but worry that I might get too hot (I start to complain about heat when it hits about 75F). I am also very sensitive to, well, everything, but for clothing things which are overly tight, or could dig into my stomach, or could be itchy, or don’t breathe well, etc. Does anyone have miracle solutions which have worked for them?
I have decent success with anti-perspirant. I put it on my thighs in the morning and usually have to reapply before I head home from work. Also, I wear panty-liners every day in the summer which helps cut down on the sweat and sweat-related aggravation. It is by no means a miracle solution, but it helps me get through the swampy DC summer.
I like skimmies, but I also wear pettipants under longer skirts, and they are looser and lighter.
The ones I have are these, currently unavailable but probably can find similar. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B002FSFZLE/ref=pe_385040…
My boyfriend swears by monistat chafing relief powder gel, and this powder stuff called Zeasorb (but probably the gel is better if you don’t wear boxers like he does).
I usually use antiperspirant. But also I have heard good things about anti chafe products targeted at runners. You can get them at your local sports equipment store usually. Think Olympia sports or a local running store.
Ooh, I like that idea. I have used antiperspirant, but it seems like it wears off very quickly-like after a half hour walk.
Body Glide! It’s fucking brilliant.
Seconding the body glide rec. Or honestly, just vaseline.
Bandelettes!!! They’re lightweight, cute, and totally comfortable thigh bands that have changed my life. I used to wear spandex bike shorts and the like, but kept getting rashes on my stomach from the elastic. I switched to bandelettes a few years ago and have been proselytizing about them ever since. Since they’re lacy they breathe well, and the non-slip grippy things that keep them up don’t seem to bother me. http://www.bandelettes.com/
Someone wrote this, and I am seconding it: Body Glide! As far as I can tell it’s silicone based, so I don’t know if allergies are a thing. Even my (very sensitive to everything) Mom uses it to great success. It’s like a lubricant in solid form, lasts a couple hours at least.
No heat rash for me in the summer!
Behold! Options, with reviews!
http://www.sheswanderful.com/2016/05/24/chub-rub-…
SPORT SHIELD!!
http://www.amazon.com/2Toms-Sport-Shield-Roll–Ou…
It’s a liquid, you roll it on your thighs or anywhere else you get chafing, it’s a perfect and magical product. IT LASTS UNTIL YOU WASH IT OFF.
You can also use it on your feet anywhere your shoes rub, to prevent blisters!!
Seriously, I love this product sooooo much.
I sweat easily. I really hate it when my legs stick together when I sit down, or chafe when I walk. I usually just wear some sort of stretchy shorts or undersummers (the fit doesn’t depend on stretch, so in my experience they stay in place really well and the waistband doesn’t bind) under my dresses and skirts.
Right now, I usually wear Jockey slipshorts–they’re similar to bike shorts/spandex, but I don’t find them as restrictive or tight. I’ve also done the pettipants which are much looser in the leg (they come in different lengths, some are mid-thigh, others to the knee). Either option are good, although the pettipants I’ve found have come in nylon….which to me feels super noisy as it brushes against itself as I walk. I’m someone who doesn’t regulate temperature well, and have handled wearing these fine.
Okay, so if you were me, here is what you do. You go to a Target. You find the Spanx. Then you walk about four or five feet to the right and find the lightest, least constrictive shorts-looking things that are in that general area. Get ’em long enough so they won’t ride up. They should cost about $12.
I did this yesterday and will never go back to Spanx or any other modern day thigh corsetry.
LUSH makes this great dusting powder called “Silky Underwear” which I absolutely swear by.
I have a sock full of cornstarch next to my bathroom sink, and I apply a light dusting of that under my bloomer-type shorts. Downside: this can leave visible cornstarch on your clothes. Upside: it really does absorb a lot of sweat.
Hey toasties! How are your gardens growing?
Mine is all planted and mostly sprouted! I think I’m not going to get any peas between starting them late and the early hotness but everything else seems to be off to a good start!
mine is getting pretty nuts, since it got started so early. the kuri squash is all up on the trellis, to the point where i had to thin out the leaves so my peppers underneath still get enough sun. zucchini has full-on started, followed by a few persian cucumbers. what’s still vining and not yet showing itself is oggen melon and watermelon. tomatoes are also doing well, the early plantings are just ripening up, and the later ones are still growing. and avocado tree has tiny baby fruits on it that will be ripe next year.
my containers of greens didn’t do so well. i think they get hotter in containers. next year i might put them under the trellis, but for now i’m going to pull them out and start radishes in the containers and see how that goes.
We have problems with bugs on our houseplants (spider mites, whitefly, fungus flies, scale) so I’ve been told we can’t get any more plants (even for our balcony) until we kill all the bugs. I’m willing to ditch our cheese plant for the sake of some herbs, but no dice.
I have massively scaled back this year (I’m focusing on redoing the drainage and adding a retaining wall in the back yard instead) but I do have tomatoes and zucchini, as well as strawberries and tons of herbs that survived the winter. I went ahead and bought cilantro and planted it earlier in the season, but it turns out that the cilantro last year had seeded itself TO DEATH and there are literally hundreds of little cilantro babies in the herb garden now. It’s good I like cilantro, because I will be drowning in it!
I didn’t really tend my yard that much this year because I am getting married next week and then will be away for two weeks after that. But! I threw a bunch of wildflower seeds around last year and nothing happened but this year there are wildflowers everywhere! And the strawberry plant that I planted last year that produced 0 strawberries but sent a million tendrils all over the place has like 10 teeny white strawberries growing on it! Everything will probably be dead when I get back from my vacation but it’s nice to see that things will still grow without my supervision.
slowwwwww. it was super cold here up until like last week, when it got super hot, so i think my little plant babies’ heads are spinning. i hope they can get some solid growth in before it gets, like, deathly hot — in the past things have just wilted if they didn’t no matter how much i water them. fingers crossed.
Mine is growing growing growing! I planted a “woodland” garden this year: A+ decision. It is a *bit* out of control, which I love. ++ witchy.
Does anybody have experience with group therapy, particularly for mild/moderate depression & anxiety? My insurance provider keeps recommending it, and I always say no, but I realized I don’t actually have any basis for that. Thoughts?
I, personally, did not enjoy group therapy (this was a mild/moderate depression and anxiety group aimed at graduate students). I’m naturally an introvert, so it was difficult for me to open up in the group session. Individual sessions can be tough, but I usually also left feeling like I had gained some insight or found a new way to help myself through tough times. Group session were incredibly draining for me and I never had a feeling of “wow, I’m so glad I went”. There was also one guy (OF COURSE) who did not respect the group rules and would manipulate all conversations back to focus on himself, which made the hour-long group a struggle.
YMMV, of course. Could you meet with the facilitator of the group before committing to it? They would probably be willing to listen to your concerns about group therapy, and help you decide if it’s right for you.
That’s a good point about meeting with the facilitator. Part of my motivation for doing this would also be that my therapist is extremely busy so I can only get in to see her about once a month – I figure group sessions would be more available (my provider is probably pushing them because they’re more “efficient”), but I wouldn’t want it to be a waste of time.
I don’t want to discourage you because I think it can work for some people, but I loathed it. That said, the sessions I went to were almost like a classroom setting where the lesson was “how to deal with emotions,” and there was less discussion amongst the participants than there was kind of lecturing from the facilitator. I actually learned some good things, but the class felt uncomfortable and embarrassing to me.
That’s really good to know. Most of my friends are also dealing with some kind of mental health stuff, and we have really good conversations about it, which also means we’ve covered pretty much all of Depression 101 on our own. It sounds like that less-individualized approach can be good for people who are coming to therapy for the first time, but that’s not where I’m at right now.
I didn’t find it helpful, but then I didn’t find the one-on-one therapy helpful either. Maybe it was my doctor.
I attended group therapy when I was in a psychosomatic clinic. We had the advantage of seeing each other all day every day anyway which made it easier to get to know each other and feel at ease in the group setting. I imagine that this is probably not as easy on the outside, but you have to feel comfortable for this setting to be successful – or at least comfortable enough to share that you’re not feeling at ease. But while this would probably take a while, I don’t think it speaks against the concept of group therapy. You have to get comfortable in regular therapy as well, after all.
The big advantage of group therapy is being able to experience that other people deal with similar problems – you get to hear their ways of coping, maybe you understand your problems better or pick up some tips, or you realise how much you’ve learned already.
I don’t know exactly what problems you’re dealing with, but if they have anything to do with other people and not just your own mind, group therapy may be your thing because you get to try solving these problems right then and there. Personal example: My roommate from the clinic was in the same group and at some point, we didn’t get along anymore, she was just pushing all my buttons. We shared this in therapy, in a safe setting where we both were protected and could examine what lay under the surface.
The important thing is: You have to stand up for yourself. You don’t get 50 min one on one, there are other people. If you have a problem, you have to bring it up. This, of course, requires comfortableness again. Not like the guy from PaigePoo’s comment, of course – I think this is an example of how group therapy should not be; the therapist should have intervened. (Then again, if you’re having problems standing up for yourself, a situation like this can be an opportunity to learn – bring up that you think this guy is destroying the group and how you feel about this.)
As someone else already suggested, meeting with the facilitator beforehand is a great idea. And if you decide to start group therapy, it could be good to continue with your regular therapy – you probably won’t want to share everything with the group, and one on one provide a different approach.
(Wow, that got long.)
if you’re having problems standing up for yourself, a situation like this can be an opportunity to learn
Haha, that’s definitely not a problem I have, nope, not at all, why would anyone think that *backs away nervously*
I’ve done a lot of group therapy over the last 25 years – all for survivors of trauma. Most of it was incredibly helpful.
It’s hard for me to identify exactly the benefits, but they include community and the sense that I’m not alone and the chance to try out new behaviors in a relatively safe place. And sometimes it’s easier to see something in someone else than myself. Or to hear something said to someone else. And sometimes the most valuable thing is to just practice being present to myself while sitting in a room with other messed up people.
In my experience, groups vary widely based on format and leader. Here are a few different approaches that I know of.
– open ended groups vs set time limit (i.e. 2 months or 16 weeks).
– peer led vs led by a therapist
– structured format vs open ended format
– process group vs something else (i.e. you just talk about stuff vs learning new behaviors / framework for understanding)
– open to new members vs closed to new members or only takes in new members at specific times.
– there’s a huge range of rules re how much contact group members are allowed outside of group. Many groups prefer you not to socialize outside of group. Some don’t care.
I’m currently in two groups to augment my individual therapy. One group is an on-going closed group that meets every other week. It’s led by a therapist. It’s fairly open ended. We start with each member checking in and then either the leader of a group member suggests a topic to discuss, usually based on what people are going through. My 2nd group is on summer hiatus. It meets weekly for 16 week cycles and is led by a therapist and an intern. Each group member has a goal they’re working on and the sharing is structured around that. Each person has 15 minutes to talk uninterrupted and then 15 minutes for feedback / processing.
Every group I’ve been in run by a professional facilitator required an intake session – which is a good way for you to see if it’s a good fit.
The most important thing in my experience is the facilitator. Even more important than how structured the format is is how firm / safe the container created by the facilitator feels. I personally do not like groups where there’s a lot of problem solving or advice giving.
This is all really helpful, thank you!
CAITLIN IN BOSTON I AM GOING TO ANSWER YOUR TOASTPOST NOW I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR THE DELAY.
Also! I need all your recs for Stockholm, Gothenberg and Oslo in advance of the Second Great AliceisHopeless Solo Scandi Cinnamon Bun Quest, 6-13 June 2016 please and thank you
HAH! I realized I totally forgot to put it on the first one, so I just sent more toastpost to all my matches!
And I’ve never been to Scandinavia, but that trip sounds amazing and Cinnamon Bun Quest sounds like a very noble goal.
eeeeeeeek I love it thank you and you SHALL have postcards! I don’t think a bun would survive the post though.
I couchsurfed in a village about 20 min out of Stockholm and absolutely loved it (both the couch surfing experience and the city). Skansens (as outdoor living history museums are called in Central Europe) are my favorite thing so I made a pilgrimage to the original Skansen in Stockholm. You must go to the Vasa museum, friends of mine work there and it is fabulous. I ate salmon for every single meal for the 4 days I was there (I was living in a landlocked country at the time). I wanted to go to the Original IKEA but didn’t have enough time.
I was in Stockholm for one literal day last year almost to the day from today, and all I did was wander around and go to this little cafe on the same plaza as the Nobel museum and had coffee and delicious cardamom cake. A+, would random tourist again.
WHO HERE IS WATCHING LADY DYNAMITE?
YES! Love it. I’m only 3 episodes in, and I’m already planning on watching it again to catch all the hilarious bits I missed the first time around!
I love how packed densely written and weird it is. Like Kimmy or Arrested Development’s Adult_Swim cousin. I love how this show never wavers from being 100% cartoonish when being very Real.
It kills me that her pugs are German. I would watch Bert yell at Scott all day.
<3 Bert <3
Seriously considering getting a undersea themed Non-Compliant tattoo kind of in honor of The Toast once I get money.
I also just think sharks and mermaids and other sea creatures are really kickass, but it’s good to have meaning.
Yeah, I already have a Non-Compliant tattoo (hooray impulse tattooing!) but I was thinking of ways i could add to it to make it Toasty, or if I should just get a separate Toast tattoo.
what i’m going for design-wise (lol) is something like this
[keep in mind, it’s a definite first draft and I drew it at, like 2am]
if you do a google image search there are so many variants on the basic concept and I would want to do something in that vein.
Ooooohhhhh, that’s such a good idea! I have a NC tattoo already as well (it’s the one featured in #7 with the letter about my aunt and David Bowie), but I hell of support your choice 100% and think you should absolutely do it as soon as you can. I’m thinking up a separate Toast tattoo, myself…
The second (and only other) tat I’m currently considering is something Rock ‘n Roll Suicide and/or Blackstar related across my forearm!
Hi everybody. Long time reader, first time commenter here. I have a question for those of you who operate your own blogs/mini-sites (or are starting them): do you get content from other contributors or just stick with what you generate yourself? It seems like from previous OTs there is a lot of potential extra articles and material in the hivemind that could be looking for a home soon.
I think it depends on the focus of your site! My blog is extremely specific (I watch and review every episode of an early 2000s Disney show so check out lizziemcguirereviewed dot com if that’s a thing you’re into) but if you just want to, like, post good writing in general (a la the Toast) or post good writing on a specific topic like parenting or crafting or day tripping or something, I think a variety of contributors could certainly be great.
Weddings! And specifically wedding play lists!
My fiancee and I (both women) still need a couple more hours of music for our wedding in less than a month. Anyone want to give me some artist/song recs?
We have some fun 80s stuff, some of the more folk rock?? type stuff with sentimental value to us (think Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlile, Dar Williams), Ella Fitzgerald, some Aretha Franklin… I’d prefer a minimum of dude-loving love songs, but will certainly include some good ones to be hospitable to our straight friends and family, haha. The hard thing is we aren’t really going for dance party – more garden party – but I do want some more upbeat stuff too in case people do still want to dance with no mood lighting or explicit space for it.
We are putting it together on Spotify Premium (which we have free for 3 months! :)) so that is a factor too, but even if you aren’t on Spotify, I’d love your suggestions! Thank you!!
I love playlists! My recommendations run a little on the “soul” side of things, taking my cue from the the fact that Ella and Aretha are already invited to the party..
How about some Janelle Monae, dance-y brag-y Beyonce, Whitney Houston? Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings is great, horn-based, and very dance-able, but perhaps not too sappy. If you really want to get your dance on, later in the night, I also like Caro Emerald (like of electro-swing), and the “Verve Remixed” albums (jazz standards remixed by DJs).
Also, if you are willing to dip your toe into the world of men, I think you can’t go wrong with some Bee-gees; Earth, Wind & Fire; Prince; and Stevie Wonder!
Thank you so much! I have a tiny bit from Beyonce and Whitney already, but can I really go wrong with more? Probably not. I’ll look into adding some Janelle Monae, and I’m super excited to try out your other recs, too! Thanks!!
This IS a dude band, but I decided a few days ago that Apollo Sunshine’s “Singing to the Earth (to Thank Her For You)” would be great as my imaginary future-wedding song. It’s dang cute & it’s on Spotify and I think it would fit well with the vibe you already have going!
video here!
Listening to Singing to the Earth right now, and based on the first few seconds, I can already tell you nailed the vibe we’re going for. Thank you!! 🙂
Best wishes to both of you! I’m a fan of garden partyeque weddings- sounds like the ideal level of fun/fancy event for me. I am unfortunately no help when it comes to playlist creation, but am very much here for other wedding talk. Do you have any other wedding stuff you’re trying to figure out?
Does anyone have a wedding planning app they really enjoyed using/ found to be actually useful?
We’ re at the initial stages of wedding planning- but surprise- we’re having two weddings! One in India this winter and one in Oregon next summer. For a variety of reasons, we’ve decided to do two actual wedding ceremonies and I’m unsure of how to proceed with the planning. Any opinions/insight if it would be best to approach it as two separate events with significantly overlapping guest lists, or one event in two parts?
Also, any thoughts on mid morning weddings?
Thank you!
I’d be happy to go to a midmorning wedding! For your question, I kind of loved Trello (free, not wedding-specific) for the first couple of months but then kind of stopped using it. I might return to it a bit in this last month to clean up loose ends that I may have forgotten about. It was nice to use to visualize things, and I could move the “cards” into various columns once I’d completed the tasks for that particular item which was very satisfying.
What I used for the whole year: Google Sheets!!!
I LOVE my Google Sheets for RSVPs. It’s quite satisifying to apply filters to all the columns to get relevant info like who had RSVPed and who hadn’t, whether they were vegetarian, etc. I recommend having a column for “invitation sent” and filling that out as you address them – then you’ll be able to figure out a couple of days after the first round of invitations that you accidentally missed a couple of cousins instead of leaving them to wonder whether they’d been snubbed. (And yes, I actually hadn’t sent the invitations. At least I could see that? Whoops…)
Last major thing is figuring out where to seat people, and — the thing more creative Toasties could help with — how to inform them of that fact. I’d like to do just table assignments, not seat assignments. People will also be eating under a tent, if that’s germane. I just am not a Pinterest-y person, and want to spend as little money and time as possible on this particular thing I didn’t want to have to do in the first place! (Unfortunately we can’t do open seating like we’d hoped to.)
Have an amazing time with both of your weddings!! My fiancee is from Oregon, and I love it there too. We’re living in Michigan, though, and it was a good halfway point for most people.
Also, had a midmorning wedding. It was awesome. Especially for people who brought kids, since it didn’t interfereally with bedtimes. Plus we were outside and wanted everyone to be able to go hiking which isn’t safe in the dark.
tl;dr midmorning weddings are great
Replying to my own post for clarification for any future recommenders- Dude artists are a-ok! 🙂 I just kind of wanted to stay away from a ton of songs that were directed at specifically male love objects, if that makes more sense, haha.
I’m a big fan of Laura Mvula and some of the tracks on her Sing to the Moon album (especially Green Garden) have a fun, upbeat, classy garden party vibe.
Sim Redmond Band, especially their earlier cds are both danceable but not overwhelming. I especially like the songs on Shining Through and Life Is Water.
Thank you!! Life is Water is on the list now. 🙂
Wailin’ Jennys/Ruth Moody? Ruth Moody definitely has an album named “The Garden” so that might be a great start 🙂
Thank you!! I knew about the Wailin’ Jennys but not “The Garden” – it’s great!
I don’t know if it’s maybe too emotionally-wrought for a wedding, (YMMV) but I absolutely love Idina Menzel’s song “Gorgeous,” and it will definitely be featured if I ever get married. She wrote it for her gay (male) best friend, but because she’s a woman singing it and there’s no sex or gender mentioned in the song, I think it works. Mary Lambert has lovely stuff, too. Also, Krystle Warren. She’s a friend of a friend of a friend and I’ve been just blown away by what she does. http://krystlewarren.com/ Oh, and congrats!
Thank you so much for the recs – just got back from camping but I’m especially looking forward to checking out Krystle Warren!
You’re very welcome. 🙂
This week in Dads:
Coloneldad is still technically on call if the Army needs him, but in his mind he’s pretty much kinda sorta retired. Behold his gift to himself.
Their last tv was bought the day FotR came out on dvd (which is also when he got a dvd player) so it was probably time for an upgrade.
He’s spent the past three days figuring it out. And is referring to it as 7.99 since that’s what he paid after all the coupons, rebates and hoarded gift cards. An occupied Dad is a happy Dad.
And Thrifty Dad!
And is referring to it as 7.99 since that’s what he paid after all the coupons, rebates and hoarded gift cards
GO, DAD!!!
In case anyone was wondering: my awful family real estate meaning went fine, and it was actually good that I was there, since my grandfather got suddenly ill (probably food poisoning) and couldn’t make it. The corporation accepted my vote as his proxy. Anyway, it’s all over but the selling, and. I never have to see those jerks again.
In other news, here is my diva of a tortie cat making (what I learned this week is called) a blep. She had no idea why I was laughing at her.
My fat black cat sits around like this all the time. We always tell her she forgot her tongue.
Yes, mine too. She’ll hold it like this until someone touches it or she gets hungry.
What a beauty!
She knows it too. Shes a total grouchy diva who hates everything except wet food and her scratching post, and the occasional chest scratch. She also re-named herself. Her name used to be Madeline but she only answers to “Meep” which my husband started saying to imitate her high pitched meows.
Hey Hiddles-fans, I suspect you’ll be interested to know that he did the audiobook for the James Bond novel Octopussy. You’re welcome.
http://www.amazon.com/Octopussy-Living-Daylights-…
Hi everyone! I am flying to South Korea tomorrow and I am SO excited and SO nervous. It will be almost a full 24 hours of travelling and I know it will all turn out fine, but at this point I am having a hard time dealing with the idea of so much time spent in planes/airports. Wish me luck!
Oh! Also, any Seoul suggestions?
Insadong, Myeong-dong, Jogyesa Temple, if you can get to the countryside at all do it – it’s gorgeous. There’s also tours to the DMZ, which is intense.
Thank you!
Good luck! I will be in South Korea for exactly 70 minutes next week on my way to Vietnam! I have no idea what we are going to do if we miss our connecting flight besides panic.
Haha that’s exactly where I’m at too. I’ve never done a flight as complicated as this before and I really don’t know what to expect. I’m crossing my fingers sooooo hard that everything works out!
Best of luck and hope you have an awesome time in Vietnam!
If you think you’re going to miss a connection, it can’t hurt to talk to the flight crew! The last time I flew through Southeast Asia my connecting flight from Seoul to Bangkok was delayed, so I made sure a flight attendant knew about my connecting flight details. They must have called ahead, because staff from other airlines were waiting at the gate with carts for people with connecting flights. A high-speed cart ride through the airport followed and they practically threw me through security, but I made my flight. It was great!
What are some things you’re into? fashion, history, clubbing, sitting in cafes etc … I lived in Seoul for 3 years so I can definitely recommend some stuff that’s up your alley.
Also, the flight sucks. The only reason I haven’t been back to visit yet, or am planning to anytime soon, is because I can’t take the flight.
Web design bleeeeeghery: I submitted a “late” assignment Tuesday. It was late do to technical difficulties that the official IT department had to help me troubleshoot, and the professor was aware of what was going on the entire time (even if she refused to engage with me in troubleshooting the problem for two effing weeks). She has not acknowledged receipt of the assignment. I know it takes awhile to grade things but this is literally going to make or break me passing the class (+ my final assignment which I’m struggling through now) so I would really like at the very least an acknowledgement that it came to her and it worked and she will be grading it as if it were not weeks late. I’m going to follow up with her today but ugh, I do not need this anxiety, I need a nap.
Heeeeey Toastfriends. The long road of loss and recovery is now to the point where we’re actively trying to get pregnant again and it’s really hard not to ride the rollercoaster of “get hopeful, have period, come crashing down,” but here I am. I have to remind myself that it takes time. All the time.
In other news, it’s a long weekend, hooray! And I’m spending most of it at a wedding that is outdoors in Georgia, boo. Outdoors. Mosquitos. Ugh. Why.
I can’t recall (forgive me) but if you are not already a member, the Toast on Eggs Google group is happy to listen to all flanging about on that subject!
*hugs*
As someone who has never been baby-minded it both shocks and confuses me that sometimes they just pretty much happen, and other times it’s like building a village of sand castles before you get one that’s damp enough to hold firm but still clear of the tide. I’ll be keeping a good thought for you going forward.
It takes time and it SUCKS SO SO MUCH. Solidarity.
And yes, please join Toast on Eggs, where we can all obsess together.
Hang in there. My BFF went through basically all the terrible infertility and pregnancy things and it just eats away at your soul. Buy yourself something pretty every time someone tells you to “just relax” or that you’ll get pregnant as soon as you stop worrying about it.
I decided for some reason to take Old English, Middle High German, and Old French in the same semester (while in Germany, so all the classes are in German)…does anyone have a metaphorical shovel (helpful websites, youtube videos, studying techniques) to help me dig myself out of this mess??
UTexas has some helpful online resources on ancient languages, and they’re in English so your brain can relax a little. Here’s a link to their stuff on Old French http://www.utexas.edu/cola/centers/lrc/eieol/ofro…
Oooo, thank you!
Sign up for Old Irish as well. It will break your brain and then you won’t have to worry about it any more.
don’t give me any more ideas
This, perhaps? http://faculty.virginia.edu/OldEnglish/
this website is awesome! thank you!
Are you on toastie slack? Alternatively, if you give me your email address I have a pdf of a cheat sheet that all the Anglo-saxonists I know use for OE, and I can send it to you.
I am not on toastie slack, but I would like to be, how do I make that happen?
email ppyajunebug at gmail and let her know. (And when you’re on, message me, username is myrobalan)
Have fun! I loved Old English (did not attempt Middle High German or Old French, although I think they were offered); it is tricky, but rewarding. Try to memorise as many of the paradigms (tables of how words are formed in different cases/tenses) as you can; it helps a lot to recognise the common endings.
You’re half-fluent in OE if you know (modern) German. Modern German and Old English have very similar verb conjugations, and a lot of similarities in pronoun declension. I didn’t know much German when I took OE, but that little bit was invaluable and put me far ahead of my classmates. I suggest creating charts that compare the noun and verb forms.
You probably have this, but no one’s mentioned the online Bosworth-Toller Anglo-Saxon Dictionary, so I will. http://www.bosworthtoller.com/
So, I posted this in toastieslack but figured I’d put it here too. I will be in NYC June 3-5 for a friend’s 80th (!) birthday. If AnyToastie wants to meet up for museum/shopping/food/drinks, hit me up on twitter (@simperlegens) or toastieslack (semperlegens).
Friday: to the Met for the Pergamon exhibit (http://www.metmuseum.org/exhibitions/listings/2016/pergamon), to Confectionary (my favorite chocolate maker ever, in New Paltz, just opened up a shop – https://www.instagram.com/confectioneryNYC/?hl=en… to Kitchoan to buy a wedding present (http://www.kitchoan.com/locations/), maybe Maison du Chocolat, maybe stop by the Amore store or oo35mm and pick up some sheet masks? Saturday is the birthday party (Coney Island).
Sunday: planning on going to Figment on Governor’s Island (thanks to toastieslack for letting me know about this)
I won’t be in NY then, but your itinerary sounds fun! (love sheet masks). best of luck and have fun!
And also, quick question: Do you have any info on how to get added to the slack group?
email [email protected] and she’ll add you to the slack group!
Two internet-life-organizational-questions:
1/ What do you all use for maintaining collecting and organizing resource lists/literature review lists in the cloud? I have Zotero, but I feel like it’s clunky. I want to be able to save academic sources, and organize and make notes on them. Outsheeting them in various citation styles in a bonus. I would also like something aesthetically pleasing and user-friendly, if that is possible.
(I feel like this has been covered on an OT before, and perhaps if I had a better system of saving citations, I wouldn’t be asking this question now)
2/ How do you plan blog posting on your blog, and how do you motivate yourselves to stick to this plan? I am forever pledging to post regularly. I also am guilty of starting posts, then feeling like they would be too time-consuming to research and re-write (to avoid looking like an idiot on the world-wide-web), and letting them lie fallow as drafts for months.
I post weekly (Tuesdays, 2:30) and I’ve been doing it for a year and a half now. I don’t….have a plan for keeping motivated other than to work way ahead and always have stuff “in reserve” so if Monday night rolls around and I’m scrambling I can toss up a finished post and buy me a week.
Motivation for me has mostly been the fact that I want to prove to myself that I can produce on a regular basis, and that people are reading and enjoying my work regularly. But a big part of being able to do that is that my blog is very narrowly focused, so I’m not flailing for a topic–I have tons! Just need to do the work! I think that makes a big difference.
For organization of (academic) literature, my team at uni uses citavi. It is a Swiss company as far as I understand, and once you get the hang of it, it’s great!
It has a great organizing system, some tools to slurp references directly from the web and even stores links to websites and to stored pdf’s on your hard drive!
Plus, we use it as a group tool to organize all references when writing academic papers. It can even give you a table of contents that already contains your citations and references that you stored in the software!
I use ReadCube! It’s still in development and is definitely not perfect, but I’m a big fan.
I just got zotero. I feel like I need to hire a research assistant to organize it. 🙁 (I am a research assistant already). I hated refworks and mendeley. Solidarity
Toasties, my chinchilla is sick. D: I need to take her to the vet, but I am the only librarian at work today (there’s usually at least 4 of us), so I can’t get her to the vet just yet. I feel like a horrible pet mom, she’s been with me almost 12 years and I just want her to not be in pain.
Please share any miracle pet cure stories…
Oh man, that’s a terrible feeling, when you know something is wrong but you can’t help them right away. As for miracle cures: my cat already has a heart defect and a recurrent history of laryngitis, and about three weeks ago developed a cough. He is deeply terrified of car rides, and since he’s 10+ and has heart issues, I’m cautious about stressing him out with vet visits. But once the cough got bad enough that it was interfering with his eating, I called the vet. The earliest appointment I could get was three days later. …And he hasn’t coughed once since I made the call. The day before the appointment, I called the vet and canceled on grounds that “uh… he just… got better on his own somehow?” He’s been fine since.
I hope your chinchilla is able to recover in a way that’s minimally stressful for both of you.
🙁 i have no stories but at least your chin is feeling safe and comfy at home while sick and once you can you will go to the vet because you’re a good mommy.
I once had a cat that hung on for about four years longer than I expected her to. Her littermate to who she was very bonded had to be put down and I fully expected to her to just die of a broken heart (June Carter/Johnny Cash style). At least a half dozen times in those four years she was in such bad shape (not eating, losing weight, just generally being an elderly cat, etc.) that I called to make an appointment to have her put down and EVERY time she would rally. Well, every time until the last one, when she could not take more than a few steps without collapsing and I came home and she was trying to wedge herself under the stove, after trying to get into the cabinet earlier that day. RIP sweet Lucy.
Ok once one of my rabbits (if you’re seen pics, the white/grey lop/rex one that bites but also likes to cuddle) got stressed out by the noise of the water heater and over the course of about 5 hours stress-diarhhea’d herself to the point where she was mega dehydrated and looked like she was about to die, and Mr. Chemicaldefect and I rushed her to the emergency vet where they gave her an injection of saline into the subcutaneous fat layer on the back of her neck, and we took her home and kept her in a room farther from the water heater and she continues to live happily ever after!
Our cat appeared to be dying the same week I learned that there was nothing else doctors could do for my mom. We stayed up most of the night with the kitty just loving on her and I remember crying and begging her to hang on–that I couldn’t lose her and my mom at the same time. She did, and went on to live another six months. (At least a month or so after my mom died.) Maybe it just wasn’t her time to go, but I like to think that she rallied for my sake, anyway.
Toasties, I am almost done with my first week volunteering as an intake case manager for the New York Abortion Access Fund! And it has been EXHAUSTING. I have spent more time on the phone since Sunday than I normally do in like, a month. And I am SO ANGRY at the system in so many ways.
Also, I was hoping to spend the afternoon after my half day at work ends at 2pm with my work friends on one friend’s roof, day drinking, but if we don’t work out what’s going on with one of my clients I’m not sure that I can do that. Boooooo.
Hi hi hi! Commiseration!! Last week was absolutely crazy for me at EMA (29 week patient going to colorado! $12,500 procedure! no money of her own!). But, you can do it! And I’m proud of you for sticking it out!!! And you’ll feel an enormous sense of accomplishment when it’s all said and done.
Oh man I didn’t have anyone on that level at NYAAF this week but I do have 16 or 17 week patient who keeps flaking on her appointments after we pull together funding for her. If she no-shows today, which I think is what’s happening, then I’ll be the third case manager who has pledged for her without actually having her go to her appointment!
Ugh that’s so frustrating!! I hope she can get her shit worked out and get her appointment, but either way, you did your best!
I am so tired today. I went to bed an hour late last night (my fault, I was reading) and couldn’t sleep for another hour because my neighbors had a loud argument followed by a party. It may have just been a couple of people over but they were loud and drunk and playing very loud music.
I’m never sure what to do when this happens. I texted her once asking them to keep the noise down. (Weeknight parties that start after 10PM are not uncommon for them) but when it is happening I am so tired and upset that I don’t want to go over there because I am worried I will say something I will regret. But our schedules are so different that I rarely see them otherwise. I’m thinking about leaving a note in their mailbox asking them to keep the noise down after 10 or so on weekdays but think that might be passive aggressive.
HI ARE YOU ME
I have had my share of very loud neighbours. Fortunately, the guy from downstairs who liked to play his electric guitar at any given time and also listened to loud music in the middle of the night (and no, it’s not OK if it’s on a Friday, Ryan*) moved to a different room in the flat. I sometimes rang the bell in the middle of the night to tell him to stop, but I hated it so much.
Now I only have to deal with the girl who shares my wall and sometimes has people over that talk VERY LOUD, also in the middle of the night. I went over once and they got really scared that someone tapped on the door at 2 am. Hilarious.
My suggestion is, maybe go over on an evening where you are not yet tired and they are not loud but hopefully at home already?
If they’re not at home, then absolutely write a note! You can explain that you tried to come over, but your schedules are so different that it’s never going to work.
I hope it gets better! But I also know that some people just don’t get that other people are affected by what they do 🙁
*That is not his actual name.
I think a friendly, non-anonymous note is fine if it’s really inconvenient to talk to them in person. Where you get into passive-aggressive territory is posting a nasty note in the common area about how SOME tenants obviously aren’t AWARE that there are RULES about noise in this complex, with, like, an out-of-date 10-page printout of your area’s noise ordinances or something.
I talked about this on Twitter last night but I am sharing again because I am just so pleased! I had the opportunity to do letterpress last night and made this:
LOVE
WOAH! Awesome!! I hope I am one of your recipients…
I don’t think so, BUT I have some extra so if you’d like one PM me (same name on Twitter) with your address and I will send you one! You can also email me at fenixdawntoast at gmail.
they look SO GOOD!
Perfection!
That is brilliance.
What am I watching? I’m so glad you asked! I’m watching Farscape and I can’t get enough of it! It’s the best science fiction show there is. And none of my dork friends have seen it enough to talk about, so maybe I will spend this weekend building a time machine to travel back to 1999 to find a Farscape themed chat room on the World Wide Web!
OH MY GOD FARSCAPE, ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE SHOWS
How far in are you? What is your favorite episode so far?
I loooove Farscape. However. I have not watched it for like, 10 years at least. I should really re-watch it.
FARSCAPE. It’s been a while since I watched it but yes! Tor did a Farscape Rewatch series that I remember enjoying!
YES. FARSCAPE. All of Ryg’s nicknames also became my nicknames. I still respond to Royal Dominar and… Sparky.
Ah! Farscape is my favorite SF show ever. So good. So so so good.
When you get that time travel thing figured out, please send me the secret, as there are some arguments about The West Wing from 2002 that I really need to get back and finish.
Farscape is so good! But it is so hard to explain to people who haven’t seen it. “Puppets?” “Yes, but the puppets make it more believable because then there are aliens that are bizarre, alien shapes…”
I’m having the Toastiest week ever. Took a treadmill test and am now wearing a heart monitor for two weeks because it went well but my electricals seem to be weird. Got home and figured MIGHT AS WELL START THERAPY, TOO, so that happened and so far it’s good and constructive and a little dorky. Watched MMXXL and while I embrace COMPLETELY all the reasons people like it best I kind of dug the first one more just for having a bit more story. Also I am *really* disturbed at finding Joe Manganiello kind of attractive, but at least I’ll stop saying “Mad Mad Extra-Large” in my head now. They are different things. I know this. I need to embrace frivolity (therapist’s orders), so that’s my job for the coming week, and I feel woefully unqualified. How do you frivol?
Here for advice on frivolling. (Also here for verbing nouns)
-Buy some delightfully fluffy slippers or sandals.
-Romance novels
-If sunny, laze about outside reading & drinking, or painting toenails, or doodling
-If cold/rainy, do above while wearing whatever makes you happiest
-Some type of fun class that you won’t take too seriously: improv?
-If your job allows, put fun colors in your hair
-Take yourself on a date
I have a lot of frivolity stocked up!
Wonderful ideas, thank you! Lazing about and painting nails are definitely gonna happen. I might also try to go watch the Memorial Day parade Monday and picnic in a little park afterwards. Baby steps!
Can you get a moisturizing face mask and drink refreshing things through a straw while you bask in a robe? That is one of the best, easiest items of frivolity in my arsenal.
Also have dessert for dinner!
Face mask! That’s a great idea–I bought what I thought was lotion cleanser recently and it turned out to be grapefruit seed extract soap. Great for acne but not exactly a spa day. Maybe I can work in a tacky-sparkly manicure, too.
Just here to say I’m equally disturbed by finding Joe Manganiello kind of attractive. I genuinely thought it was just me! He’s so big! So tan! So ripped. Nothing that’s my deal.
I’m not attracted to men in general, and he’s such a masculine exemplar of the genre. My brain does not know what to do with this data.
ETA: Mad MAX. Not It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Magic Mike XXL.
Frivoling ideas:
Skip somewhere (does not have to be far or in public or anything, but if you haven’t tried skipping in a while it’s surprisingly fun and silly)
Find a swingset, swing.
Buy whipped cream in a can, do whatever you want with it
Finger paint in cheap shaving cream (if you do this on your mirrors you get clean mirrors in the end, but that may not be sufficiently frivolous)
I LOVE the idea of surface frivoling that is secretly HOUSEKEEPING! Therapist might disagree but pfui! I’m fingerpainting! And I grabbed some DVDs and Terry Pratchett books from the library so I can at least slot some fun in between reviewing books.
Last time I got my hair completely ruined it was a cut at a beauty college, and the woman in the station next to mine was painting shaving cream onto a mannequin head…I assume to approximate bleaching or dyeing? It was absolutely hypnotic to watch. Pat, pat, pat…dip…pat, pat, pat.
So I just met my partner A’s mom for the first time. Toasts: can I get some validation that mom’s behavior is outrageous? Also some advice on how to proceed? I feel at a loss.
Putting this under the fold. There’s some discussion of domestic abuse.
Context: A and I have been together about four months now. It has been oh so magic! I come from an unusually functional family, but A and her mom’s relationship is a huge mess. Mom’s relationships in general are a huge mess. A’s expert opinion (and she is an expert) is borderline personality disorder plus possibly more.
My biggest issue with mom: They got into a tiff about mom’s dog barking, immediately after which mom and I were alone. Mom: “A always complained about us being so intolerant (oh so true), and goes on about how she’s so tolerant. But she’s so intolerant of my dogs! … She was always so intolerant of noise as a child. I just wonder how she could ever have a child, because she won’t be able to control a baby.” Please validate my perception that this is OUTRAGEOUS. Here is your daughter’s partner, who you have never met and talked to twice on the phone about nothing but dogs. You have no clue what sort of longterm goals/plans your daughter has with said partner, but if you get mad at her, then somehow it’s appropriate to say you think she would be a terrible mother? To someone you’ve know less than 48 hours? Who might marry them and want to have children? Ugh ugh ugh. I really don’t want to tell A about this particular attempt to undermine our relationship, since the topic of children is one we’re not settled for (I’m for it, she’s ambivalent). There was plenty of other trash talking to relay.
A’s standard issues with mom: There was this constant theme of “oh look what a supportive mother I was,” which was some pretty heavy duty gaslighting, given how things actually played out. Things like “I don’t know if she knows this, but I replaced those CDs her father threw out,” when she was right there happily proffering the garbage pale before hand, not to mention a litany of far worse abuses. This much is par for course, apparently. It’s very foreign to my experience, and unsettling to watch.
TW: Domestic abuse
A’s huge, new issue: Mom revealed that A’s dad, who passed away over a decade ago, used to beat her. This also happened in front of me, although there was at least the conceit that I wouldn’t hear. A is all kinds of upset, especially because mom consistently exaggerates in an effort to be praised for martyr-like activities, and no one else is around to verify what went down since dad died over a decade ago. Also, the disclosure was interspersed with cooking instructions. “Your father used to beat me.” *tears, a hug, expressions of horror and sympathy* “Now we add the sesame oil to the tofu.” *horrific detail* “Let me flip the tofu. We should add the sauce now.” *even more horrific details* There was so little regard for how A would take things. Ugh ugh ugh. Clearly, this is important information to know, and mom should share it somehow. Still, how do you take something like this when the accuser is soooo untrustworthy and the accused is dead? How can further disclosures be made when there is such an immense poverty of social skills involved? It’s inevitable that this will be incredibly upsetting, but I feel like there’s some way to restrict the focus so that this pain is only felt towards productive avenues. I feel at a loss to help A, beyond listening, validating her feelings as much as possible and letting her know how much I love her.
Specific request for advice: How do you proceed when you find out about past domestic abuse in your family? What’s the best way to disclose this history? How should communication about this happen? Right now, A will probably insist that mom go to therapy for assistance in making these disclosures, partially as an effort to get her into therapy period.
My goodness. All the hugs to you. I also have a narcissist MIL who also dumped a lot on me the night we met. For what it’s worth, dogs barking can be very annoying and your MIL’s response is pretty out of touch.
I went through a lot of hurt at the beginning because I listened to my MIL very closely, analyzed everything she said, and took her at face value. It took me way too long to learn that narcissists are basically like children and for your own emotional wellbeing it’s often best not to try to interact the way you would with other adults. For your own emotional health, smile and nod but don’t get too involved, don’t start overanalyzing her comments to mean she’s thinking about your future kids with her daughter, etc. Just support your partner as best you can but keep a healthy distance/perspective because otherwise you will be hurt too. Good luck and lots of loving thoughts your way.
I think you should take a deep breath and start over when it comes to the second point.
First of all, really, listen to yourself. If someone else came to you with a story of abuse by an intimate partner, would you be asking if they were exaggerating or looking for verification? Would you be critiquing their emotional affect while they were telling you? Or saying, “Well, what about MY feelings while hearing this?” I sincerely hope not. How you would react–that should be your baseline. You may find yourself forced to modify that as time goes on, because, yes, it does sometimes happen that people lie and manipulate. But you clearly don’t like this woman, perhaps for good reasons, so maybe it’s pushing you to jump to that stage a little prematurely.
The accused is dead, so there is no one to be harmed by believing her, or at least acting if you do. If she tries to take you or A to insane places with it, there will be plenty of time to put on the brakes. In the meantime, if she wants to talk about it, you can be supportive without going to emotional 11.
There’s no best way to disclose abuse. It’s all hard and messy and ugly. I’ve disclosed abuse and I’ve had relatives disclose to me and it’s just all hard. There really isn’t a handbook for this stuff. A therapist with a good background in trauma-informed therapy and family violence may be able to provide something of a road map, but honestly, everyone just does the best they can, and it can often feel completely inadequate or look completely inexplicable to outsiders. Honestly, the type of slightly of inappropriate, not completely grounded sharing that you describe seems as close to normal as these things get.
I will mention that if your partner has thought of her dad as the “good parent” she may have a lot of conflicting and upsetting emotions come up with her mother’s revelation. She’s probably not in place to be rational about any of it, so don’t worry about figuring it out right now. Let her feel her confusing feelings and make sure to take care of your self and do what you need to do to stay grounded and present.
Good luck! and Internet hugs to you and your partner.
One more thought, fwiw.
In terms of how to support A’s mom, I recommend she do some research and share resources once (and only once). In a very low key, it’s fine if you don’t use / read these, sort of a way – email or snail mail works well for this type of thing. Calling a domestic violence hotline (local or national) is a good way to get resources like support groups or women’s centers etc. After she shares resources, she shouldn’t bring it up again until her mom does.
Yes, that is totally outrageous, and *horrible*. Poor you, poor A! Sadly and yet reassuringly, it is also very par for the course of narcissistic MILs, so there are lots of strategies out there for dealing with them. Our mom is narcissistic, as is our MIL, so we have been reading a lot of books about dealing with the fallout of narcissistic parenting lately and it has really helped discovering that the awful behaviour is a pattern of dysfunction rather than something personal.
I don’t have one good answer for your advice — I think it depends so much on the family and the situation. In this particular case A’s mom does not seem like she is disclosing as part of a meaningful intimate relationship with A, but rather as a way to keep the spotlight fully focused on herself; I think A setting some super-firm ‘We are not discussing this’ boundaries and insisting on some therapy seems like a very, very good idea. There is just no telling whether or not this woman is telling the truth or engaging in narcissistic spin.
All Korean sheet masks are horrifying, but somehow I accidentally bought some with PENGUIN FACES. I took a pic and it looks like the most kawaii Mapplethorpe in the world. https://www.instagram.com/p/BF5mMy0lNKxCZ8DZPgAIt…
I just bought a whole bunch of masks in Japan Town and I can’t wait for this weekend. I bought my friend one called “Will You Be a Dog?” which makes you look, you guessed it, like a very cute puppy.
Netflix / general show recommendations?
Based on toastie recommendations in past threads, I’ve been watching Tudor Monastery Farm and Bletchley Circle and have found both to be delightful. Any other recommendations before The Toast goes poof?
Foyle’s War? Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries?
Tell me about Tudor Monastery Farm, please.
Tudor monastery farm is BBC. Kind of a living farm thing? They explain whys and wherefores of various things – and then they do the thing. Brew beer, make stained glass, fix fences. All tied to seasons and so forth as well. Soothing and fascinating.
Oh my goodness. I hadn’t heard it but it’s going straight to the top of my must-watch list. Thank you!
There is also Victorian Farm, Edwardian Farm, Wartime Farm, and Tales From the Green Valley (Early 17th Century Farm essentially). They are all beautiful and perfect and relaxing.
Wait, and these are on Netflix?? American Netflix or another country’s Netflix? Because BOY do all of these shows sound right up my alley.
I don’t know about Netflix, but I know that youtube usually has them somewhere.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4apIM4l0laY
Watch and experience the rural bliss.
This is amazing thank you.
I posted about Bletchley Circle in an open thread so we may have similar tastes. Top of the Lake, I cannot recommend enough. For less serious shows, loving Brooklyn 99. Also not ashamed to admit I recently had a Pretty Little Liars marathon.
Shall try Top of the Lake. Thanks! And thanks for Bletchley circle. “I’ll buy you a book of puzzles.” Oof.
Doctor Foster on Netflix! It’s a 6-episode British series about a woman scorned. Her comeuppance is epic!
Jane the Virgin, Brooklyn 99, Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
Top of the Lake is great but stressful!
Bletchley Circle has been in my queue for ages – I want to say Bomb Girls based on that?
No, they’re different – Bomb Girls is about women who work in a munitions factory in Canada. But that’s also really really good! I have some frustrations about one storyline in particular that I’d love to discuss with Toasties.
I’m on call this weekend, so I’m not completely enjoying the three day weekend, boo hiss — although I’ll only be in for a couple hours each day, so I’m still pleased to have MOST of Monday off — AND my first BABY SHOWER IS TOMORROW, and all my girls gathered together to make it special and there will be CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRY CAKE and really what more do you NEED?!?!?
We painted the dining room this week! And by painted it, I mean 3/4 walls have paint on it and we still have to do a second coat. But it’s so blue and mysterious – like the sea. More so, it makes the house feel more like ours.
What home improvement projects do you have coming up or are most proud of, or dream of?
Our kitchen is the tiniest (10’x7′, with two doorways) so I dream of finding the magical solution that makes it functional. Right now I want to make some kind of arched cathedral style pass through window just to open it up a bit. Also, blue-green mermaid tile in the washroom.
this is giving me memories of painter’s shoulder, which i got from painting our entire house [with my husband] for a month straight. we bought a fixer and had a bunch of heavy-duty work done before we moved in, and painting was last. other than the bathrooms, which we had to hire for, we painted 7 rooms/ceilings and 2 closets in our after-hours. it was crazy!
what we couldn’t do, was strip all the awesome wood molding in our house. we thought about this a lot, and even maybe will do it eventually, but rather than paint it flat, my husband researched doing faux bois with paint, and we did it! and nobody has ever come here and said “wow, nice faux bois” they say “wow this wood trim is amazing!” here’s what ours looks like.
other than that, i’ve made some weird-space built-ins for his office, to use weird-sized walls for his many books, and built a craftsman-style picket fence in the front, replacing the chain-link that was there before. and husband made a pond in the back yard, which is so so fun!
i am dreaming of making a craftsman-style medicine cabinet and built-in cabinet in our bathroom, and built-in shelves in my office, but i still haven’t settled on a design for those.
I have standard midcentury popcorn ceilings; having them scraped or plastered over would be a major mess, very expensive, and although I’m about 90% certain there’s no asbestos in them, I would have to have them tested and it could end up ever more very expensive. So I bought styrofoam ceiling tiles that look like pressed tin and you apply them right over the popcorn with glops of mastic adhesive. The tiles have been sitting in my bedroom for nearly 4 months and I really just have to do it. But things have been very hectic recently and I haven’t had the energy.
I made rainbow fish sugar cookies and they look real fancy. Unfortunately I’m on my phone and can’t share the picture.
Hi Everyone! So sorry for everyone that is having pregnancy/health issues.
I stayed up late and just.can’t.finish. the canal mapping that I’ve been doing for 2 weeks. I’m trying to pick out individual irrigation canals in Cambodia out of 70’s landsat photos, my eyes are terrible now. The only way to find them is to get really close up and then unfocus your eyes like a magic eye and then zoom way back out and turn the vintage image off to see if they still exists. Which they may or may not. I now see canals in my sleep and everywhere I look, plus I get motion sick from this. I want to finish because i’m already late for my prof’s request and because I’d like to actually spend some time not looking at a computer this weekend. I’d like to open the pool (start, anyway) and plant my garden and snuggle bunnies and hang out with my kids.
middle school girl told me yesterday that “G and I were teasing and she slapped me right here and it hurt so much my vision went blurry”. Turned out that when she got sandwiched by two large boys on Sunday at the lacrosse game, she didn’t just get the wind knocked out of her, and it wasn’t just a stitch. She has bruised ribs–and I nearly made her go to karate. AND she’s sick on top of it. Poor thing. I feel like a horrible mom for letting my girl play sports with giants and get hurt—but it was the last quarter of the last game and these guys were actually only a little bigger than her–she was just in the middle.
Back to work. I’ll try to be more participatory this evening when *I will have these canals mapped*, she says to herself, positively.
Anyone ever camped in Bryce Canyon? I’m trying to go (late June) but the first come, first served site reservations are making me nervous!!
I have – it is really, really crowded. But if you are willing to rough it, there is lots of very pretty and close boondocking to be had as backup.
Bryce Canyon is so beautiful!
I have an interview for a great job in the next couple weeks and I am SO EXCITED. I know I shouldn’t get worked up over something that hasn’t happened yet, but it would be a really excellent opportunity (and we would get to relocate from Chicago to Denver!! Which is all I’ve ever wanted, really).
Yay you! The rocky mountains are amazing.
Hey guys! I’ll be traveling to London on July 22nd before leaving for Edinburgh on August 1st. Anyone have recs for a Canadian toastie? Suggestions for unusual things to do and what not to miss? Wanna hang out? Want me to bring you some weird canadian shit? i dunno!
I’m also thinking of going to the Isle of Skye via train during that time, so this might be a long shot, but if anyone wants to join me, who else better than a stranger on the internet?
i feel like i should have a list of edinburgh recs to pull out when people post this.
Unusual stuff: I -think- the surgeon’s hall museum will be reopening this summer – last time I went they had a bunch of gross (interesting) stuff in jars, and the book made out of the burke + hare murderers’ skin.
It is Law that you’re supposed to climb arthur’s seat I think.
I always tell people to go to the french patisserie in stockbridge because it’s amazing.
Some cafes claim JK Rowing wrote in them. Are they right? Who knows, but the elephant cafe has really good (alcoholic) hot chocolate, so who cares?
It’s open already and it’s THE BEST. SO creepy and witchy.
!!! SKINBOOKS !!!
Thank you so much for the tips! I love spooky medical shit, will go to the surgeon’s hall museum for sure! And yes, looking forward to Arthur’s Seat so much!
i’m a terrible resident who has never actually been up there (i…really hate walking a lot) but I’m assured it’s the greatest. Fingers crossed the scottish summer happens when you’re here!
Ooh I like giving London recs. Anything you are looking for specifically? I always tell people to give the Globe a shot because the standing tickets are £5 and it has a great atmosphere. The V&A cafe is beautiful if kinda expensive (but the museum itself is free ) and I love the plaster cast room and the ceramics gallery.
Also there is a London toasties group on Facebook if you want more info.
There is?
Just tried to join, hopefully I’ll make some cool new friends. And yes, didn’t expect the Globe to be so cheap?? It sounds like such a tourist thing that I absolutely will have to do it. And all the museums!
If you want a good, local ethical meal etc, I would recommend wholeheartedly the Edinburgh larder. Don’t go on the ghost tours, and if you want fancy cocktails go for Panda and Sons (hidden behind a fake barber shop) or Devil’s Advocate or Bramble.
Also, if you have time, walk across Arthur’s Seat to Duddingston village, go to a garden there which is really beautiful, and drink/eat at the Sheep’s Heid Inn, which is the oldest pub there.
advice taken! everything sounds so…scottish to me. Which is to be expected, obviously, but…still so very scottish. Gosh. I’m excited!
RE: London: museums are free, if that’s your jam. Natural History, British and Science are personal faves. London Dungeons are also a great time.
And definitely go to Skye! It’s one of my favourite places in the world. I don’t remember the name, because I last went when I was 12, but there’s a castle where you can go on the lake and there are seals!
To Nicole: If I understand hipster farm weddings correctly, I think you’re supposed to wear a mason jar??
Well my mom is starting dialysis tomorrow. three days a week. And they say her shit heart means a transplant is almost certainly out of the question despite of course four willing children/possible donors.
So there goes the rest of her life.
Dialysis is…difficult. It’s hard for me to even conceive of a sufficient word. You both have my sympathies.
<3
That really sucks. I’m sorry.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry.
Wishing you and your mom lots of strength, it sucks you’re having to go through this.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you, your mum, and your whole family.
I’m so, so sorry. On a slightly positive note, dialysis has done wonders for my Dad’s energy levels/general health even though he can’t travel anymore.
I’m sorry to hear this, but can offer that while dialysis takes a lot out of patients it can also give a lot back. The last two years of my dad’s life were very complicated, but he had those two years thanks to treatment 3x/week, and he did a lot in that time. I hope things go much better than that for your mom, or at the very least as easily as they possibly can.
I’m so sorry. I hope the dialysis can improve the quality of life she has left and I’m thinking only good thoughts for you and your family.
Ooof. I’m so sorry that she doesn’t have better options. Hugs for you if you would like them, and supportive thoughts for both of you.
Geez, I’m so sorry. I hope it at least makes her feel better.
In case anyone was wondering, the Tournament of Hotties wrapped up today. The winner was unsurprising, yet satisfying.
https://vgum.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/homeless-mo…
I’m going to be revising for exams (boo) after finishing one today, but by this time next week I’ll be half way through medical school woop!
Wow, that is a big deal! Good on you!
New York City-area Toasties: I’m in NYC for a work trip and was able to get Shakespeare in the Park tickets for tonight’s all-female performance of The Taming of the Shrew in Central Park (starts at 8). I’ll have an extra ticket available, if anyone wants to take it off my hands!
Have a great time! I saw the first preview on Tuesday and have MANY thoughts, if you want to come back here and discuss after you’ve seen it.
ETA: I’ve gotten the Shakespeare in the Park process down to a science, so in case you haven’t been before – bring in some cans of beer or a nalgene full of wine, plus whatever you like to snack on (or…dinner, which I’ve definitely done before). They allow basically everything except glass.
Ottawa Toasts! Are you going to the Great Glebe Garage sale tomorrow? I am, and I am very excited! Last year my best purchase was a $100+ milk frother that I got for $40 without even negotiating.
I LOVED that when I lived in Ottawa, not because of the great deals but because of the top notch people watching and eavesdropping. The best.
I anticipate that I will see the mayor over and over and over again!
there is a possibility of my seeing Beyonce next week please light every candle so that my bf’s coworker indeed doesn’t want his tickets any longer
Toasties, I’m de-lurking in need of advice for how hard to push my rental company before I get labeled bitchy and ignored. My apartment walls were damaged by another apartment’s burst water pipe, and my rental agent says he’s working with the insurance company to get money before he can schedule any repairs. But it’s been two full months with no updates unless I email and ask for information!
Is it too much to ask for a rent reduction until it’s fixed? It’s not major damage, but it’s ugly, and a couple of light fixtures are broken. I’m paying full rent – always on time – on an incomplete apartment. I feel like, if I were a guy, I’d demand a couple hundred dollars off without even thinking twice.
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated, or share your rental horror stories to put mine in perspective!
so, it’s just walls? how bad is this damage? how many walls? because one thing i learned after buying a fixer home is that one very reasonable thing to do cost-wise is replace drywall. i get that your landlord / rental company may be looking to get a bigger settlement and replace more than just your walls [like whatever happened in the other person’s apartment] but this seems like a relatively inexpensive fix on your side of things, one that shouldn’t set back any prepared landlord. though, i guess the landlord is probably already out some money by covering the plumbing thing. long story short, i can’t see any financial benefit to them giving you a rent reduction when replacing drywall would cost about the same after a couple months.
the thing about rental companies, i think they are able to authorize repairs up to a certain amount, and then have to get approval for anything above this allowance. I think it’s worth approaching them and asking if they could talk to the landlord about having your walls repaired, or even estimate for it and have it done, deducting from any future rent you pay. unless the repair is extensive [in which case a rent reduction doesn’t seem out of line] it should be a manageable cost.
Yeah, a couple of walls and potentially part of the ceiling (ugh). No furniture damage, thank goodness. The other apartment has a different owner, so my rental company is the middleman, and I was really hoping they could do the repairs and send that insurance company a bill. I get not wanting to be out the cost before they’re assured that they’ll get paid back, but it’s frustrating to be waiting two months and probably more. If nothing else, I may see what reduction they can offer me for the duration and extensiveness of the repair work. At this point who knows if there’s anything growing inside the walls, and then it becomes a whole other ballgame.
that’s the main reason i bring up the fact that it’s just drywall. it’s probably not a huge expense, and i would let them know you know that. nobody should have to wait for insurance money just to do that for a tenant.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a reduction, although you know your agent best so you’d be better at predicting how they respond. You could also look up local laws (see what they say about landlords being required to keep the unit “in good repair,” and if you have the option to have it repaired yourself and bill them for it). I also recently dealt with damage from a leak in an upstairs apartment, and was also worried about coming off bitchy etc., but as soon as I sent what I thought was a mildly frustrated email (“it has now been ten days since you cut a hole in my wall; please advise when it will be fixed”), they jumped on it and as far as I can tell, everything’s fine relationship-wise. (Also maybe double-check laws in your area about retaliation, if you’re really worried. Where I am, any adverse action by the landlord may be considered retaliation if it comes within 3 months of a complaint)
Thanks, that’s helpful – yeah, I’ve sent my share of those I-politely-demand-an-update emails. I was hoping that they would do the repairs and bill the insurance company of the other unit, but no dice. Do you mean retaliation like not repairing the walls if I’m too pushy?
I think it depends on what your local laws define as an adverse action. An extreme example would be coming up with a reason for evicting you, which I think is highly unlikely; where I am, retaliation could also include entering the unit without adequate notice or removing furniture or fixtures (like, if they just took away the light fixtures instead of fixing them). This specifically applies in situations where you’ve made a formal complaint to the authorities, although if it came down to it, you could probably get a court to apply it in a situation even if you hadn’t.
(I’m not saying this is a likely outcome, but when I get nervous about housing stuff, I tend to go worst-case-scenario immediately, so researching my options for recourse can be very soothing :p )
Oh man, me too! That’s pretty much what I’m worried about – pushing to get this repair done and then having them ignore or delay future requests for repairs if something else happens. But I will definitely do some research.
Uuugh anyone else feeling depressed over the current Captain America fuckery that is going on in comics? I don’t know how much more I have to say about it but it is seriously aggravating. Just trying to keep focus on the titles and creators that are good and can be relied upon not to pull this shut.
YES it the dumbest thing that has ever happened in comics since forever. I’m so mad.
YES. I cried for more than an hour when I found out and had to take a break from internetting to calm down. Such BS.
Toasties who have lived or currently live in an east coast city that you love – what do you love about it? My husband and I want to move across the country to be closer to family, but we don’t know where to aim for (the only place I lived prior to moving to the west coast is Montreal, and for him it was small-town Massachusetts, so we don’t have much to go on). So far I’m just overwhelmed with how awesome most places I’ve researched look (Boston! Philly! Pittsburgh!). Any advice would be most welcome!
I love Philly. I don’t want to sell it as a paradise, thought – we have a lot of problems here. But it’s also full of warm, vibrant communities, history and music and the best food I’ve found anywhere. It has character. It feels like home.
I grew up in Pittsburgh and really really really want to get back (spouse’s education has made this take a lot more time than I would prefer). Cost of living is really reasonable, it’s beautiful, there’s plenty of cultural stuff AND outdoorsy stuff to do, the restaurant scene is terrific, and nobody will look at me weird for wearing my Steelers gear on non-gamedays. It’s home for me, though, so your mileage may vary. I have a weird affection for our obnoxious sports fans, the ridiculous and inscrutable road system, and the accent. Other people find these things varying levels of terrible.
It is taking me a while to get used to Boston, having lived half my life in Milwaukee and the other half in Madison, WI.
I like the “placeness” of Boston. It has so much history and so many quirks, that it really doesn’t feel like you are in anywhereville unless you are in particular bits of the burbs. (Malls are malls are malls, after all.) I like the proximity to the ocean and I like the Charles River.
Toasts! Last weekend, prompted by this creepy news about researchers scraping 70,000 OKCupid user profiles, I deleted my OKCupid account for good. I’ve been mostly feeling good about it, because online dating always felt way too much like online shopping in a gross, weird way, and it never seemed to work out for me even on the rare occasions when I went on a date with someone. And hopefully this will motivate me to do more fun things that expand my social circle, and/or ask my friends to set me up. But I’ve also been having flashes of “oh no what have I done, everyone seems to meet online now, I’m going to be alone forever, WOE!” as well.
Anyone have stories about ditching online dating and having it work out all right in the end?
Oh, Household_Opera, I am worried about our mutual success off the internet based on the resounding silence. 🙂
I was about to go for my third round of online dating but just couldn’t bring myself to jump in again yet. Said I’d give it a little longer for it to “just happen”, then met someone who was here on a work project for a few days. The chemistry was huge and he actually asked me out, in person! It’s only been a month, so I can’t vouch for it working out in the end just yet. But at least so far it’s fun!
Fwiw, I took a dating class that said to only use the paid sites, because the people on them are more invested in the process, and less likely to be slackers either financially or emotionally.
Tl;dr maybe is hope for offline dating, yay? 🙂
Getting to the open thread suuuuper late.
I ditched Internet dating ages and ages ago (2003?) when I realized that, while I like the *idea* of it, actually going on dates with people I didn’t know yet made me sick to my stomach with anxiety. I then went through a long spell of mostly not dating at all.
In 2007, I met the man who would become my husband in the midst of our shared geeky hobby (live action role playing). We didn’t get to know each other or start dating for another year, mostly because we lived in different cities and only saw each other every 6 months or so. But when I first saw him, my thought was “Damn, that guy is cute! But he lives in Boston, so it’ll never work.”
So big thumbs up from me on the idea of living your life, expanding your hobbies, and meeting people in real life situations where you spark (or don’t spark) and know it. It may mean long spaces of singleness, but in the meantime, you get to enjoy doing the things and living your life.
Can I get some good thoughts?
My parents’ place near Houston is flooding even worse than it did a few weeks ago (which was even worse than last year’s Memorial weekend flood). But this time, the horses are penned up in a small paddock because the fences were demolished in the last flood, and no one is there to un-pen them and rescue them because the roads are all closed and the neighbors had to evacuate.
We’re really, really worried about our ponies, and we don’t know when anyone will be able to get to them.
I’m so sorry to hear that, I’ll be thinking of you and your ponies 🙁
Sending supportive thoughts your way. I hope they will be okay.
Thanks so much, y’all. It really meant a lot. My parents were able to get out there this morning and reported four hooves on the ground for each horse, hooray! The power’s out, and there’s some new damage to clean up, but it’s a huge relief!
Between this flood and last year’s, it seems like Memorial weekend is turning into a flood tradition in Texas…. And with a second 100-year flood in 5 weeks, I think if those ponies could talk, they’d tell us they’re tired of getting wet.
Toasties, I am a terrible big sister. I’m at my parents’ for the week, so we had a joint birthday dinner for my brother and me (my bday’s the 26<sup>th</sup>, his is the 31<sup>st</sup>. For some reason, I thought he and I weren’t doing presents? So he and his wife got me three skeins of variegated yarn and two pattern books, and I had nothing for him. I immediately went on Thinkgeek — while we were still eating cake immediately — and got him Das Horn, with express shipping. I’m hoping maybe I can play it off as a funny joke I was playing, pretending I hadn’t gotten him anything. I’m wishing I’d had the presence of mind to lie and say I’d ordered something to be shipped to him at the time, rather than admitting that I was terrible and forgot to get my little brother a birthday present.
It might be too late for this if you already told him “I’m terrible and forgot to get you a present,” but can you just tell him what you told us (that you, for whatever reason, thought you weren’t doing presents)?
Either way, I don’t know that I’d pretend it was a joke—it’s hard to see why it would have seemed funny to you, you know? Even putting aside which one is actually true, I would rather come across as a forgetful person than as a person with poor judgment/a potentially unkind sense of humor.
I did tell him that. I expect that he’s forgiven me, because he’s a sweetheart. And hopefully, he’ll have his present by his actual birthday, at which point I will again apologize for being terrible.
It sounds like everything’s going to be fine, then! I hope you won’t beat yourself up about it too much. Just chalk it up to experience and be sure to show a little bit of extra charitableness if your brother happens to commit a thoughtless error of his own sometime in the future.
I think if you just say that you’re sorry and somehow got it in your head you weren’t doing presents but that you love him and wish him a happy birthday again later, then he’ll understand–I know I or anyone in my family would and would likely laugh about it the next year!
Whyyyyyyyyyy do I not always read my comments when they’re posted, especially if I’m using new html?
Are there best practices for divorce? And what am I supposed to say to my children? Thank you Toasties.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. Internet hugs for you and your kiddos if you want them.
No advice, just hugs.
Hugs if you want them, that’s rough. As a child of parents who did the divorce thing about as well as anyone possibly could, the things I remember making the most difference was very clear explanations of what was happening next and lots of saying “even if we aren’t married, we’re still your parents and we still love you very much” It still sucked, but that part is pretty much just part of the deal, and things did get better/ normal in a reasonable amount of time. The first of each holiday after the divorce was the hardest, but after a little practice even those got to be just fine.
A lot of the things that made it easy for me as a kid (I was twelve when it went down, so that’s a factor) were possible due to the relationship my parents were able to maintain with each other- they had a very equal custody split with a pretty even holiday division, still did a great job co-parenting (I had less of a chance of playing my divorced parents off each other than many of my friends with married parents did), showed up to school things and events, were cooperative and transparent about budgeting and paying for me and my sister-related expenses, etc. Certainly not a thing that’s possible for everyone.
I really do believe my parents are happier apart, and them being able to move on and find their own happiness probably makes the biggest difference in how I see their divorce, even now. You’ll all make it through.
It still sucked, but that part is pretty much just part of the deal, and things did get better/ normal in a reasonable amount of time.
Yes. Kids can adjust, probably a lot more easily than adults can. I think a good way to go about it is to deal with it like you would another big transition like moving everyone abroad: acknowledge their issues so you can help but don’t frame it as an abnormal catastrophe, frame the new situation as a natural thing that everyone will get used to even if it’s weird at first.
Consider getting a mediator or lawyers who specialize in collaborative law! It will make the process of figuring out your separation agreement SO much easier and healthier and better for you as a couple. Lawyers are trained to make it an adversarial process and will draw it out for more billable hours, which misaligns all the incentives; collaborative law corrects that.
Divorce is always painful but it can be freeing too, even if you weren’t originally the one who wanted to do it — at least, that’s been my experience.
This is a very good suggestion, if it’s at all possible in your situation. If by some completely random chance you happen to be in Indianapolis and are interested in going this route I can recommend a great family law firm that does collaborative law and mediation.
Sending more hugs for you, if you would like them.
I seriously have no idea, but I’m glad there are some good suggestions in these comments and I just wanted to wish you all the best with it, and I hope it is as painless as can be. Sending you lots of good thoughts.
Separated from my wife 2 months ago. We have a 5yo. His preschool talks about “filling someone’s bucket” with kind acts. We told him, together, that our buckets had been empty for a long time, and that we were going to try leaving apart. I tell him lots that I will love him no matter what.
Good luck. It is an emotional rollercoaster, even if you believe it is best.
My parents handled the divorce very very badly, so I have no positive best practices. But if you can refrain from talking shit about the other parent to or in front of your children (even if it’s true!) and from asking your children to lie to, deliver bad news to, or request money from their other parent, you will be doing better than many parents manage.
Good luck.
I completely missed this on Friday.
number one: NEVER say anything negative about your ex in front of the kids. In my case I wiggled a bit on this because obviously when you are getting counseling at the women’s shelter something is up, but never bad mouth the other partner.
You can email me at cory coakley at hotmail dot com if you need a shoulder to lean on. A lot depends on the situation and the reasons for leaving. If it’s abuse or narcissism you have to consider the situation and anything you do (counseling, advocate for the children, mediation) will be used to your disadvantage and the narcissist/abuser will be able to lie/control the situation. If you are facing a situation where you are being lied to or gaslighted or abused then you never do anything of the usual things you’d want to do/people tell you to do like co-parenting, or discussing how to approach custody, etc. You get a lot of pushback from people who don’t understand why you’re not being “nice” and “working together for the good of the kids”, but stick to your guns.
Only you can say whether you are divorcing as rational adults or if narcissism/abuse is in the situation, so ignore all of what I just said if things are merely fading out. But most people don’t know that working with narcissists/abuse completely changes how to negotiate divorce.
Can you die of jet lag because I feel that is what is happening. But! Spain and Portugal were amazing, although my sister was mysteriously bitchy almost the entire time. Portugal in particular is unreasonably beautiful. I will update next week when I’m back on my feet about how it was to eat dinner at the best restaurant in the world (no joke, we got off the waiting list at El Celler Can Roca).
I will read the heck out of your travel update. I hope that your internal organs make their way back to your actual time zone SOON.
Yay, I’m at WisCon! Of course, there is that part where you kind of just want to curl up in the beautiful hotel bed and take a naaaaaap. But off to do the things and see the people!
Yay, Madison! The downtown Farmers market is a thing to see. I imagine it is like a Victorian promenade at the Mall, except we all wear yoga pants, instead of the latest, smartest bonnets.
I’m learning to love Boston, but I miss Madison with my bones. Being back here, I keep wanting to cry that I don’t still live here.
I finally managed to log in again! This is really late, but my trip ended up being great and I’m really grateful to the Toasties who replied to my questions about it. 🙂
Well, my memorial day weekend got kicked off with an email letting me know I didn’t get a job I really, really wanted. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
Being a stepparents is…hard. Right? It’s not just me?
Yes, it is. I’m a stepmom to two wonderful kids who I love to pieces. Every situation is different, and the challenges to being a stepparent overlap with but are not the same as the challenges of being a bioparent. But if you keep what’s best for the kids as your guiding light, and you have a loving, supportive partner, you can do it.
Remember to take some time for self-care and know that you’re not alone!
Yes! I mean–I’ve been doing this for 11 years, but I don’t have many friends who are stepparents so it feels kind of lonely.
I love my wife, I love the kids, but sometimes I think we deserve a national holiday or special discounts at the liquor store.
Not just you. Even with wonderful stepkids.
Northern Syria/Syrian Kurdistan (where there’s a really awesome ongoing women-led women’s liberation movement) could be facing famine this year due to the ongoing civil war. This is a crowdfunder to set up facilities to produce organic fertilizer locally from domestic vegetable waste!
GUYS! I’m housesitting for my parents and I found kombucha in the fridge! I’m not sure how I feel about this.
Back to say I listened to your Norse episode and really enjoyed! +1 subscriber
Yes! He's such an anarchist. And like, when I was originally watching the show I didn't really think about it, but he's an Air Force guy in charge of a bunch of Marines! So freaking weird.
I finally got around to reading it and I died. Thank you for the rec!