The Donkey Kong Relationship Surprise Index

by Mallory Ortberg · January 28, 2014

Candy Kong – Donkey Kong’s rumored girlfriend. 
I was so sure she was his cousin. I have no idea why. But yes, okay, I can buy into that relationship.

Chunky Kong – Kiddy Kong’s older brother, Dixie and Tiny Kong’s cousin.
This seems reasonable.

Cranky Kong – Wrinkly Kong’s widower and elder of the Kongs. He is the original “Donkey Kong” from the 1981 arcade game of the same name.
WHAT
HOW IS CRANKY KONG THE ORIGINAL DONKEY KONG
HIS NAME ISN’T EVEN DONKEY KONG

Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong’s nephew. Dixie Kong’s boyfriend
Oh, wow, I was deeply sure he was Donkey Kong’s little brother. This is tough.

Dixie Kong – Tiny Kong’s older sister, Kiddy and Chunky Kong’s cousin, and Diddy Kong’s girlfriend
I definitely thought she was Kiddy’s sister — Kiddy was the one who wore the footie pajamas in DK3, right? — and Tiny’s cousin.

Donkey Kong – Cranky and Wrinkly Kong’s grandson, Diddy Kong’s uncle and best friend, Candy Kong’s rumored boyfriend and the ruler of DK Island.
OH MY GOD HIS GRANDSON
I THOUGHT CRANKY WAS HIS DAD
WHO ARE HIS PARENTS
WHO ARE DONKEY KONG’S PARENTS

Donkey Kong Jr./Baby Donkey Kong – Implied to be the current Donkey Kong or his father.
What

Funky Kong – Donkey Kong’s brother and friend of the Kongs.
They’re brothers? How is Funky Kong Donkey’s brother and Diddy is only his nephew? Funky and Donkey barely even talk.

Kiddy Kong – Chunky Kong’s little brother, as well as Dixie and Tiny Kong’s cousin.
Fine. Fine. That’s fine. That’s probably fine. Sure.

Lanky Kong – Distant cousin, described by Cranky as “a twisted twig on a distant branch of the family tree.”
This is perfectly reasonable.

Swanky Kong – Direct relation unknown (possibly a cousin of some sort to Donkey Kong).
Yes. I believe this. Finally getting back on solid ground, here.

Tiny Kong – Dixie Kong’s younger sister, Kiddy and Chunky Kong’s cousin.
Okay, okay, okay. So it’s Donkey Kong (parentage unknown) and Funky Kong who are brothers. Their nephew is Diddy; he has no siblings. One set of Diddy’s cousins are Dixie and Tiny. Another — separate — set of cousins are Kiddy and Chunky. Is this even close?

Wrinkly Kong – Cranky Kong’s now deceased wife and Donkey Kong’s grandmother.
WHEN DID SHE DIE I DON’T REMEMBER HER DYING THE LAST I REMEMBER SHE WAS SITTING IN HER LITTLE CAVE WITH ALL THE BANANA FAIRIES

Also: “Manky Kongs are enemies in Donkey Kong Country. They are the only Kongs in Donkey Kong Country that are an enemy. In fact, these orangutans are described as Kong reject orangutans, implying that they’ve been exiled from the Kong Family. This is due to their betrayal of the Primate Alliance during The Great Ape War.”

“Lanky looks very similar to Manky Kongs, but unlike them he is on the good side.”

Guys, it’s been a really hard week and this just put me over the top. Be gentle; be kind, explain this slowly to me.

[All information via Donkey Kong Wiki]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


32 Comments

  2. BourneApprox +37

    I…I think I’m going to need some genealogical charts to understand the various Kong dynasties in play here. This is much worse than Game of Thrones.

  3. cait0716 +19

    Does this mean that Diddy Kong is Funky Kong’s son? Or is there a third sibling out there somewhere?

  4. katienaum +9

    Wait so Diddy is dating Dixie Kong, who is his uncle Donkey Kong’s cousin? Or are you saying she’s Diddy’s cousin? This seems… problematic.

  5. osutein +14

    I moved to a new city during winter break of 8th grade and spent many an hour of those cold, lonely weeks playing Donkey Kong Country. Every now and then I cue up the water-level or end credits music on YouTube and bask in the nostalgic melancholy of it all. It is the soundtrack of my loneliness.

    All of which is to say that this article is really funny but also THE FEELS, as they say.

      1. osutein +3

        It’s so soothing, but also sort of sad. Like sitting on a beautiful beach alone and contemplating the sunset.

    2. quadrophonicsound +4

      Have you played the one that came out for wii a couple of years ago? The music is THE SAME. I was getting flashbacks.

    3. abbeyroadmedley +4

      The Funky’s Flights music. Especially after you sit there for a few minutes and it really kicks into gear. So great. (And yes, the water level, beautiful.)

  6. anninyn +13

    Character relationships in games are strange things, often full of bizarre and complicated stuff based on poor planning from devs.

    For example, in the program files for Skyrim, a brother and sister are listed as parents for another character.

  7. heartstillatwar +6

    I’m unfamiliar with half of these, which obviously means I need to play more Donkey Kong.

  8. osutein +8

    If you could do a comprehensive timeline of all the Zelda games next, that’d be great. ‘Cuz I still have no idea where TWILIGHT PRINCESS fits into any of it.

    1. bustedsneakers +1

      It bloomed from the lands of optimism and the colour brown also THIS POST IS TOTALLY PERFECT

  9. miprisci +20

    “THE LAST I REMEMBER SHE WAS SITTING IN HER LITTLE CAVE WITH ALL THE BANANA FAIRIES”

    I miss my grandma 🙁

  10. abbeyroadmedley +2

    Yeeeah, I was totally sure that Cranky says he’s Donkey’s dad and Diddy’s grandpa in the original DKC, maybe in the manual. Is this a retcon or something?

    The only line I can specifically remember is “Close the gate on the way out! I didn’t raise you in a barn!” But maybe Donkey was raised by his grandparents?

  11. Avantsweater +6

    So Donkey Kong Country is an undetermined future date like 20XX in MegaMan?
    It *has* to be if Cranky is THAT old and was in the original Donkey Kong.

    I never really thought of it as Sci-Fi but it really works in an alternate future Planet-of-the-Apes kind of way. That means Mario has zero legacy beyond his years. Maybe DKC is a ape-controlled post-apocalyptic dystopia. It would explain all the junkyard stuff.

    Also I put the Cranky’s Theme and Bonus Room Blitz on my Valentine’s Day playlist. Look ’em up.

  12. Orla +2

    If Donkey:Funky, then Lanky:Swanky?
    Oh no, Cranky messes that up.
    We need a Twanky for a matched pair.
    Someone hit up a pantomime, stat.

  13. mkpatter +7

    I had no idea the geneaology of Donkey Kong was as detailed and complex as Game of Thrones.

  19. Sam +3

    My mom bought me the original Donkey Kong Country as a surprise, I can’t remember the circumstances. We booted it up (I was fairly young) and she played all afternoon with me, and even let me be player 1. My mom’s not dead or anything (in fact, she’s doin’ pretty good right now), but I always get misty whenever Donkey Kong Country comes up. I still have that cartridge, and it will probably either become a silly heirloom for the kids to throw out when I die or go into my grave with me, haven’t figured that part out yet.

  20. Max +1

    The main line seems reasonable enough: Donkey “Cranky” Kong the overbearing, Pauline-stealing patriarch, Donkey Kong, Jr the less successful son, and Donkey Kong the Third taking over entire Countries. Now I’m picturing a Dallas-esque soap opera “Kong”…