ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. I usually have to have poems explained to me, unless they are about, like, Drummer Hodge and how sad it is that his northern brains are somewhere because of (I assume) the Boer War, because in that case, I'm like, Ah, this poem is about Drummer Hodge's northern brains. So the first time I read "Goblin Market" (for SCHOOL, obviously), my response went something along the lines of, "Nice poem. What industrious goblins. Fruit is…

  2. Oh, well, A of all, fuck you, then, and honestly, I don't have anything else to say about it. I honestly don't. I just think it's funny??? how – No, you know what, I honestly don't have anything else to say about it. I honestly don't. Even if you do, I'm just, you know, ZIP, the high road. (By the way, there is a quote from Coleridge that just, mmf, PERFECTLY describes our situation, and…

  3. wait, are you Scottish? I thought you were from Birmingham this is unrelated but do you consider Coventry "the north" Do they not have cell phones in Scotland? Wait, did he just say "did you hear the truth squeaking?" Is everyone okay Why are they complaining about creaks in this beautiful mansion, that seems churlish Why can't they all agree on having one to three accents, I count six people and 900 accents in this one scene…

  4. Recently I purchased a twelve-dollar gray wig online and had it shipped to myself at Nicole's house, where I've been staying for the last three and a half weeks, because I was suddenly and inexplicably seized with the thought, "I should have a gray wig and film the ongoing adventures of best friends Joan Didion and Anna Wintour."

  5. "You enjoy long walks from cars to helicopters, or from helicopters to shipyards"

    "The number of pages in my last prenuptial agreement were greater than my current bodyweight in imperial pounds"

  6. Are you still here? Get out of here! Go on! Get!

  7. aww, the buddy! he is too nude and angry to even play his lute, little pal

  8. The punishment of Prometheus (he was chained to a rock and had his eternally-regenerating liver torn out by an eagle every day) has always been a popular topic for Western artists, and why not; it's full of action poses and furious birds and gave everyone the chance to draw hands. A real win-win! And yet: Over time, folks got a little sloppy, and eventually, more often than not, Prometheus and the eagle looked like boyfriends…

  9. 0:00-0:01
    Has clearly forgotten this song is next on the schedule; jogs hurriedly downstairs.

    Lina Lamont-style "fruitful gestures"

  10. Today in Ms. Frizzle's class we were learning about the body. "What body?" Carlos kept asking anyone who would listen. "Somebody." Ms. Frizzle laughed uproariously every time he said it. "Somebody! That's good, Carlos!" Ms. Frizzle was in a good mood today.

  11. You have just swept someone a magnificent, yet insolent, leg.

    You have interrupted a game of wist to introduce the players to your ward.

    You have been pronounced a social success by the greatest bitch in Paris.

  12. Many readers familiar with Charles Dickens' Great Expectations are aware that he originally wrote an ending where Pip and Estella meet years after their painful parting only to solemnly shake hands and go their separate ways again:
    It was four years more, before I saw herself.

  13. Right-ho, we're all relatively familiar with the story of the ant and the grasshopper, wherein the grasshopper plays the violin instead of farming, I guess, and then in the winter the ant reminds him that you have to farm if you want to live through the solstice, and everyone's happy, or starves to death. The point is, it's about a grasshopper and an ant.

  14. Exodus 4:23

    “Can I be honest with you for a minute? Let My son go that he may serve Me, because if you refuse to let him go, indeed I will kill your son, your firstborn.”


    Ezekiel 2:8

    “But you, son of man, can I just be honest with you for a minute? Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”



  15. Great Expectations is a book about a boy who is never allowed to finish a meal in peace, and a woman who stays in wedding-dress shape for her entire life. It's pretty good. Here are all of the upsetting meals that are served in it.

    Forgotten Beer