Dear Childfree Person,
I am writing to you to share some vital information that has only become available to me in the last couple of years, since I became a parent.
Before that, I was subjected to the same saccharine clichés from parents that you are undoubtedly hearing over and over again. You’re probably being told, like I was, that you never really love until you become a parent. You’re probably hearing a lot about how no love can compare to the love a mother has for her child. Parents might be telling you that you’ll never ever EVER understand what real love feels like unless you become a parent yourself.
Well, now that I’ve crossed over from “nonparent” to “parent,” and with apologies to my fellow parents, I want to deliver this important message: You pretty much get it.
I always felt like the idea that mothers and fathers are the only people that get love was bullshit, but I never had standing to argue with any of them until my son was born. Now that I’ve been on both sides of the fence, I’m very happy to report that things are just as I’d assumed they would be. That love is love, wherever you’re standing.
The love a mother has for her child is unique, that much is true. It would be stupid to say it isn’t. But isn’t every kind of love unique? The love I have for my sisters is different than my love for my husband. The way I love my parents is not the same way I love my best friend. I don’t have any brothers or cats or parakeets, but I would guess that those relationships come with their own special flavors of love as well.
But you don’t hear parakeet owners running around telling non-parakeet owners that they will have no idea what real love feels like until they get a parakeet.
I loved plenty of people before my son was born and I don’t feel that that love has faded or diminished at all since I became a mom. My love for my family and friends is fierce and loyal and wild and real and I will seriously side-eye anyone who tries to tell me otherwise.
I’m hoping you feel the same way. And I hope you don’t really need me to tell you that the love you’re experiencing as a childfree person is real and significant and big. I hope you won’t let any of those rogue, self-righteous parents drag you into competing in the love Olympics.
The truth is, my being a mother doesn’t make me any better at or more capable of love than any other feeling person. My son is not some mythical creature that broke my stony heart wide open. He’s not this ray of light that magically gave my pathetic life meaning or transformed me into some amazing new person with extra overhead room in the cardiac area.
My kid is just another person in my life that I love. Like a sister, like a grandfather, like a best friend.
You know what that’s like. I know you do. Don’t let anyone tell you you don’t.
Tags: aubrey hirsch, loco parentis, parenting, the butter
From this childfree person: thank you.
“My son is not some mythical creature…” But in the illustration, your son is clearly a wizard, so I feel mildly conflicted about this statement.
Seriously, though, I want to put a poster of this up on every street corner. As a mom (and a feeling human being first and foremost, dammit), thank you.
This is so great.
Amen!
Thank you for this! I have always bristled at the idea that there is some “higher” form of love that us childfree people will never have. Bullshit! Love is different every single time it happens in this world, and frankly it’s kind of insulting to say that one form is any better than another.
“Love is different every single time it happens in this world”
Yesssss. And being a parent is (I imagine) a lockedin way of being in that heady falling in love state – seen also when people have a new partner and will swing the conversation round to GEORGE LIKES BEANS in discussions of breakfast.
With children, there’s a tradition of “you cannot know love like this!” that one can plug into, whereas when one says of one’s new partner “I have never felt like this before!” (subtext: neither have or will you) one gets the eyeroll and the actualol one deserves
Thank you for this. My sister posted one of those godawful picture quotes on Facebook the other day about how life just means so much more than staying out until 4 am now that there’s kids in the picture; I don’t think she meant anything more than ‘my kids are worth going to bed exhausted at 10 pm’ by it, but as a person who doesn’t have and has never wanted kids, it hurt a bit to read. I don’t think my life is meaningless because I don’t have kids and I don’t think I need to have them to make sure I know how to love.
But I like having the confirmation.
Of course our childless lives mean so much more than staying out late, what a strange backhanded jealousy-quote.
It really is. I’ve seen similar things before (not from my sister, which is why it was so jarring this time) and they all have this irritating tone of jealous smugness. Like mommy martyrdom, which seems a pretty terrible way to live your life.
I don’t have any children and I am easily exhausted by 9pm on a good night.
That’s always such a weird thing, this notion that child-free adults are all out there partying till dawn.
I remember the last time I stayed up till 4 am. It was so much fun! But also, 5 years ago. No kids, not yet – just encroaching middle age.
Edited to note: I’ve always assumed that the folks who wax on and on about how their hearts are so much BIGGER had little dried up peas in their chests before. Anecdotally at least, this holds up pretty well!
it really is a bizarre notion, isn’t it? I mean, I regularly stay up until 4 am but I work evenings and also spend those late nights in my pajamas on my couch. If I had to go in at 9 am, I’d be zonked out early even without kids.
Apparently adults who lack kids also lack responsibilities altogether?
I have children, and it hurts me too because I don’t feel any magical, ethereal, beyond words emotions for them. I love my kids, which should go without saying, but people have turned it into this insufferable sanctimonious display that it truly isn’t. As with most of social networking, it’s all just for show.
There are moments when I feel my heart could burst, but I get that way when I’m in nature, too. And when I’m with my husband. And my sister. And even when I’m with my best friend. Love can be felt outside of children, and most people are fooling themselves with these obnoxious displays. It’s usually a defensive posture or used an excuse. Don’t let them fool you. As the author states, all love is unique and I truly believe that. I also see that sometimes people just want to feel special. Unfortunately, it’s often at the [hopefully unintentional] expense of others.
I wonder how much “being responsible for” while loving a thing–I mean, uh, human offspring–has to do with this next-level love stuff. I wonder because I’m just a cat owner and I even lord that over people. Maybe the worst culprits of this cliche behavior are people who weren’t ever responsible for much before they had a kid to be responsible for.
As a mother, I second this.
It’s really great to see parents talking about this, alongside those of us who hiss and hide under tables at the mention of having children. (And I guess all the people between those two points.) I always wondered if people mean you don’t know what it is to love *unconditionally* before having children- or at least before having responsibility for a child? That’s not a ‘purer’ or ‘more real’ kind of love, but I know with my young nieces/nephews, that’s the thing I notice about interacting with them. They’re tiny and powerless and I have no idea what their personality will be like and you just love them because you do.
Yes, I think that’s a good point. But even so, I had two “fake children” (my friend’s kids) before I had my son, and I love them unconditionally. My love for them hasn’t paled or diminished since I became a parent. I think it might be more accurate to say that loving a child is different than loving other things/people. (But that doesn’t mean that people who don’t experience this “don’t know what love is”).
Oh My God thank you. This is excellent. I always thought the whole ‘you’re not a parent, you don’t understaaaaand’ was kind of bogus. I mean, no I’m not, but I understand love, I understand stress, I understand prioritizing…And I have read/watched plenty of accounts of parenting.
Parents are not mythical beings beyond the comprehension of us lowly childless mortals.
As a new father, I 100% agree. Also BS: the idea that the first time you hold your child you will experience an overwhelming surge of love and joy. More likely: an overwhelming surge of anxiety and “what the hell did we do.”
Right? More like “Oh god oh god whose idea was it to let me take this HOME? I’m not ready!!!”
That was the weirdest part for me. After days in the hospital being coached/supervised by excellent nurses, they just… let us leave with a baby. I’ve had more hand-holding renting a jet-ski than I did taking home a tiny human being whose survival depended on my non-existent competence.
Bingo! The primary emotion I felt for the first three months of my daughter’s life was terror (how am I going to keep this tiny creature alive for 18 years?????). I had to fall in love with her, day by day, just as in any other relationship (this is also when I learned that adoptive parents can/do love their children as much as biological parents).
“I had to fall in love with her, day by day.” This is so true, and exactly how I felt with my son.
YES. I totally forgot during labour that there was going to be a baby at the end, and when they gave me the baby I was like “I don’t wannnt this i just want to take a nap.” So I gave him to my husband, took a nap, felt much better, and then bonded with my son.
This is actually scientifically proven that the hormone surge after the baby is born produce higher levels of oxytocin than at any other point in a woman’s life. Oxytocin is considered to be the “love” hormone which is also the chemical that causes milk to be released when nursing. So many mothers really do experience incomparable love because of those hormones. Those hormones encourage the bond between mother and baby. Mother’s who have epidural and cesarean births sometimes experience this a bit less. Yes birth is overwhelming, but there is science behind the chemicals involved in the process
You do realize that comment was from a *father*, right? They don’t get the same hormonal surge bc, you know, they aren’t experiencing labor, etc…
My theory is that when people become parents they need something to hold onto to justify the frankly overwhelming sacrifice of time and money, blood, sweat, and tears, etc., that goes into having a child, and so they arrive at “But you get something in return that no one who hasn’t experienced it can ever understand!” I’m sure they don’t mean to invalidate the lives and choices of anyone who took the other route–but I’m also sure it’s comforting for them to think that they unequivocally made the right choice and have absolutely no regrets whatsoever and anyone who would think otherwise just doesn’t GET IT.
There is a multitude of scientific research to prove this hypothesis. The more something “costs”, the more people ascribe value/worth.
Also, the difficulty of reversing the decision in question.
“You guys have no idea what it’s like to love until you buy a nine-bedroom Victorian with knob-and-tube wiring and serious foundation issues.”
This is also why hazing works.
Newborns are just hazing you.
Remember that.
My mother, to this day — I’m 37 — will tell you “Bonding is a trick. It’s how they keep you from killing them.”
It’s definitely how my cat gets away with all kinds of bullshit. I imagine it’s worse with a child. I love my cat, and he is adorable, and he pukes everywhere and my love for him his why I grumble and clean it up and call him an asshole but then cuddle him.
Was just going to reply along the same lines. It comes from a place of insecurity – like, why am I doing this if there’s not a huge benefit that I can’t get anywhere else? I mean, there certainly are unique benefits to being a parent, but like, there’s unique benefits to not being one also.
Especially because our culture really doesn’t allow parents to express uncertainty about their choices. You’re allowed to second guess a career or a move or a relationship and ask “what if?” but we really don’t let parents express the idea they’re not always sure having kids was a great idea without characterizing them as monsters.
It was also fascinating (although not in an entirely positive way) to find out that this doesn’t stop when you have a kid, because the full Wonderful Experience That No One Who Hasn’t Experienced It Can Ever Understand* isn’t complete until you have as many kids as your interlocutor.
[*I’ve just discovered you can remember this phrase using the mnemonic “wet now, he ice u”.]
Sort of relatedly, I’ve always suspected parent-friends of mine who entreat us to “haaaave one!!” with shining eyes are really just wanting company in their terrifying/rewarding/exhausting child-having world rather than wanting it for our sakes. I am currently in the process of having one and this fear has never been more acute now that I’m past the point of no return.
I KNEW IT
the same saccharine clichés from parents that you are undoubtedly hearing over and over again.
I stopped listening to/hanging out with people who say this shit, so haven’t heard these horrible cliches in quite some time… but thank you for writing this all the same. It’s really surprising to me, the number of people who feel okay about declaring that they were unloving monsters for a huge chunk of their lives! Like… maybe I am not the problem here, you know? I love plenty of people (and furry creatures, too), always have.
Thanks! We hope that you’ll understand when we need to leave work to get to CrossFit. Just as we understand when you need to leave to go to daycare.
No – we will not understand! We are so damn JEALOUS of you for having the time to go to CrossFit. That’s why we lie and pretend to be more loving and somehow morally superior to you. Feel sorry for us. We can’t sleep through the night or go pee by ourselves. Aargh!
Nah, but I’ll absolutely understand when you leave to care for an elderly parent or other dependent. The legal equivalent of taking care of a minor dependent is taking care of another dependent. Not Crossfit.
+1. Certainly the love of a parent for a child is part of the family of loves, and shouldn’t be privileged over other kinds of love. But the choice to raise a human child is not merely a lifestyle choice among the family of lifestyle choices; being a parent, or broadly speaking a caregiver to a dependent, *is* different and *should be* privileged, by both employers and the state (tax breaks for parents, protected maternity leave, etc.).
Completely disagree. You are valuing the life of a care giver more so than non care givers. What exactly does the non care giver get for their sacrifices in the work place to keep that company a float so they care giver still has a company to come back to?
I’m not sure this commenter is referring to leaving work early rather than on time, necessarily, or saying that there shouldn’t be legal benefits in place to make parenting or caring for a dependent possible.They might be, there’s not enough context for the statement– but I read it as a comment about how there can be an attitude at workplaces that the childfree can always stay late and pick up the slack because they have no responsibilities. That’s part of our broader fucked-up culture that says that we should all prioritize work over everything else, but parents end up being allowed at least the tiniest amount of a life because of their children. But parents and non-parents have an equal right to a life outside of work, and you shouldn’t need a dependent to be allowed that.
Gonna love my nieces until my heart falls out, thank you!
Now, poop, on the other hand…
Thank you. And as a childless person who intends to stay that way, I will always acknowledge that your schedule-juggling is a lot more complicated than mine, that having and supporting a child costs a LOT of money, and will never resent you taking time off to be with your kid. As long as you never tell me my life is meaningless.
Edit: Of course, I should acknowledge that I live in the Bay Area and pretty much all the parents I know are super cool folks who still wanna hang out, just with their kid, earlier in the evening, and not as long. What I do believe is that super-absorbed people stay super-absorbed regardless of whether or not they have children, and people that don’t suck tend to stay that way.
I would argue that while some parents are busier than some childfree, there are many childfree who have just as many responsibilities as parents do. For example, I have noticed that many childfree people are tasked with the care of their elderly parents– driving them to doctor’s appointments, giving them medication, visiting them in the nursing home, maybe even paying for their care or moving them into their own homes– while their siblings get off “scot-free” because “they have chiiiiiiildren and don’t have tiiiiiiiime.” Other childfree people may have chosen very consuming jobs, help out with their nieces/nephews/friend’s children, or perhaps they volunteer after work. ANYONE who has an 80 hour workweek or spends their days off working at an animal shelter has just as much right to say “I’m a busy person” as a parent does.
I guess I just hate the notion that childfree people simply MUST have all this free time because they don’t have kids. There are tons of SAHM’s who spend all day on Facebook and yet complain they have no time or energy because they have a baby.
Yep, those “selfish” childless people (esp. women) do far more for their communities than those with kids.^
[^citation needed, sorry, but I read it somewhere I swear!]
Hey, I believe it!
I don’t precisely want to disagree with this, but I’ll say that really the only universally true statement you can make about parenting is that it’s a transformative experience that’s different for every person. So for some parents, likely the ones spouting these cliches, the love truly does feel like something totally new, and for others it doesn’t. (As a parent my experience is somewhere in the middle — check in with me once my kid clears the toddler years, I think.)
I also think it would be better if our cultural dialogue focused more on the transformative stuff (and talked more about the fact that you’re not just getting a cute newborn but a person who goes through many stages of life), but of course selling the love angle is more appealing.
Hey, I really appreciate both the article and this comment. It should never have to be “us vs. them.” I completely agree that it’s a transformative experience, and I think the point of this article is that this doesn’t make it a better life than someone else’s, or that it doesn’t give every parent some magical, secret life meaning that we childless can never have.
I think the difference is more like having siblings vs. being an only child. I don’t hear people saying “you never really know love until you have a brother or sister!” even though people with siblings can hardly imagine not having any, and people who were only children can hardly imagine their family any other way. These are all just really different experiences, and it’s hard for people in each situation to really comprehend the other, but we should all try, so that we don’t end up saying something unintentionally cruel.
I don’t know. I had a parakeet as a kid, I think those who have never had that experience are truly missing out on something special. Sure, loving another mammal is great, but it’s not the same as connecting with the avian other.
As a chicken-keeper, I salute you.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
SERIOUSLY.
Love, an infertile-five-years-running-woman who is SICK TO DEATH of hearing she has no love and no clue and her empty womb represents her total emptiness.
UH-UH. FUCK that noise, lady.
You are awesome in and of yourself, and absolutely capable of unconditional love, whether or not you have babies. *hug*
Thanks for this. I’ve had childfree friends tell me, since I am a parent, that “well, THEY say you don’t know love until you are a parent” and I get all incensed. They dismiss their own lives and the lives of so many others with this offhand comment. It’s bullshit.
Thank you – as a child free adult it’s so refreshing to hear this.
I liked this so much! I totally agree that love for a child is not mysteriously superior to other forms of love. I think one thing that’s different about loving your child vs. other kinds of love is the massive, unending responsibility that you typically don’t have in other relationships (though I’m sure there are exceptions). For instance, the delicious feeling of loving a little sweet being is also mixed with the horror of unending responsibility. Maybe this is also my bias since one of my kids has special needs and that responsibility towards him feels particularly acute, in a way that it doesn’t with my neuro-typical other child. Like, if I don’t do a good job he could truly be miserable, whereas with my other kid, I think she’d be fine with benign, affectionate neglect (is that an oxymoron?) as opposed to the very active, vigilant, and frankly exhausting parenting I have to do with my firstborn. With other loves, when it’s not working out you can walk away, as wrenchingly painful as that might be. With your child, you can’t.
To be fair, there’s a reason so many parents say things like this — b/c it’s completely true for them.
They don’t just say it to pat themselves on the back (although smug quotes on Facebook are never a good idea). I’m one of them. The whole way that I view the world, the way that I see other people, has completely changed because I have children. And I don’t see how my relationship with my wife, with my own parents, could ever reach the same stage if I never had children.
I understand the irritation with anyone telling you what you can and can’t understand in your own life, based on their life. But by the same token, I don’t think this one author’s assessment is the definitive statement on whether having children can be drastically life-altering and fundamentally changes your view of the world.
And that fact doesn’t have to diminish the experience of anyone else who may have their own personal battle scars from a lifelong commitment. I guess it’s all in the delivery!
For me, having a child was absolutely life-altering, and the love I feel for my kid is different in both depth and kind from the love I’ve felt for pretty much anything else in my life. I’ve been in love several times, I adore my parents and my sisters, and I’ve had multiple very good dogs. But before I had my toddler I could not have imagined feeling this way about another living thing. I scoffed about that claim beforehand, but for me, it turned out to be true.
Sorry to be a dissenter on this thread of people patting themselves on the back about what chumps and liars parents are. Yes, parents are chumps and sometimes they lie. Yes, probably plenty of people don’t have the same experience becoming a parent that I did. But to claim all parents are full of shit making claims about what being a parent is like for them is ridiculous. For me personally, becoming a mother unlocked a huge and humbling mass of new personality traits that I’m still trying to figure out, 20 months in.
Sooooo if you were planning on having a kid to experience this special love all your facebook friends are shouting about but this article convinced you not to, maybe reconsider? I don’t know.
I don’t think you’ve read this article or the comments with full attention and/or comprehension.
It’s not about calling parents “chumps and liars”. It’s about asking parents to show compassion to non-parents by not aggressively privileging parent-to-child love over the many other forms of love out there.
It’s also not about persuading child-free/childless people not to become parents, but about acknowledging the fact that they are still capable of rich and rewarding relationships. (And if someone is dissuaded from parenthood by a Facebook share, then they probably are not mature enough to handle parenthood, anyway).
We tried for a baby for seven years before I had to give up from sheer mental and physical exhaustion. Now I’m trying to fill my life with love and meaning in other ways. I hope that you feel good about telling me, and others like me, that this is a useless quest….which is precisely the kind of thoughtless cruelty this article was trying to help people like you avoid.
Great response, Amy. Infertility is hard enough – having your life belittled for circumstances beyond your control happens adds insult to injury. Yes, infertiles and childless-by-choice people can lead amazing, love-filled, rewarding lives. Mother Theresa clearly never had children, but she seemed to muddle through in the love and compassion department just fine.
Thanks, Hallie — that was really what I needed to hear today, and you are clearly a gentle soul. I’m (mostly) in a good place now, but the lack of compassion demonstrated by “castles” — who alleges that she has attained a new level of humility and awareness through motherhood! — really rubbed me the wrong way, and I had to respond.
You responded with compassion and eloquence. You seem like a lovely person and your life and love has tremendous meaning even if you are not a parent. I also think that it’s really important for children to have other loving adults in their lives who *aren’t* their parents. Experiencing the attention and affection and guidance of another adult with whom the child isn’t all wrapped up in a complicated parental relationship is really, really important. I wish I had had more of this when I was a child. I guess I’m saying there are other ways to love and know a child in a really meaningful way, aside from being their parent.
Thank you so much, Elle-Dee, you are so kind to take the time to make a stranger feel better…and you are so right about being there for my friends’ and family members’ children. That is just what I’m trying to do. My ambition is that when they hit the difficult teens, I can be a bit of a mediator in the way that some of my mother’s friends were for me.
Those kids will be so lucky to have you. <3
I agree Hallie!
Just to clarify, childless-by-choice people are called childfree. Out of respect for those who are infertile but wish to be parents, we leave them the term “childless” because it describes their feelings in a much more compassionate way. I myself am childfree because I do not want a child at all. Amy is childless because she did want and try for a child, but unfortunately wasn’t able to have one.
Amy, I am terribly sorry you were not able to become a biological mother. I hope that you and your partner can find meaning and love in other ways, or perhaps adopt if you feel so inclined. I also hope you can look past the cruelty of those who look down upon you for something you can’t control. I cannot imagine the sadness you must have felt and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Thank you so much, plasticcup. I don’t usually post comments, but this was so worth it to know that there are so many sweet and thoughtful people out there, whether childless, child-free or parents. If all people could be as respectful as you guys are that not everyone is on the same path in life, we’d have world peace in no time at all! I genuinely appreciate your taking the time to respond.
I’m a childless but not infertile woman, I guess. I love kids and I’ve had friends tell me I ought to have a baby. And I would love to, but I’m single (and probably staying that way, what with my fabulous hats and enormous dresses that prevent men from talking to me), and I’m not made of money, so I don’t have any easy means of acquiring a baby.
But I think “castles in the air” didn’t mean to offend anyone. She was just sharing her own experience.
This proves the theory that there are a group of parents who think they are superior human beings to people who aren’t parents. It’s why people like myself who are unable to have children feel inadequate.
And btw I doubt this article either convinced or dissuades another person from deciding whether or not they want to become a parent.
For me, having a child was absolutely life-altering, and the love I feel for my kid is different in both depth and kind from the love I've felt for pretty much anything else in my life. I've been in love several times, I adore my parents and my sisters, and I've had multiple very good dogs. But before I had my toddler I could not have imagined feeling this way about another living thing. I scoffed about that claim beforehand, but for me, it turned out to be true.
Sorry to be a dissenter on this thread of people patting themselves on the back about what chumps and liars parents are. Yes, parents are chumps and sometimes they lie. Yes, probably plenty of people don't have the same experience becoming a parent that I did. But to claim all parents are full of shit making claims about what being a parent is like for them is ridiculous. For me personally, becoming a mother unlocked a huge and humbling mass of new personality traits that I'm still trying to figure out, 20 months in.
Sooooo if you were planning on having a kid to experience this special love all your facebook friends are shouting about but this article convinced you not to, maybe reconsider? I don't know.
and now I love you in a way I never thought possible. Thank you. From one happily Childfree girl to you, woman with child.
I have a distinct memory of being handed the baby and thinking randomly, “Oh dear lord, I have no idea how to dress a baby! How am I going to know if he’s warm enough or cool enough when I take him places???”
That absolutely makes sense, and I think you’re right, but I also suspect you’re not running around telling people that they don’t really know what love is until they have a child. There’s a set of people out there that, instead of just discussing or acknowledging their own personal experiences, feel the need to project them on to everyone else in the world. That’s the part that I think this article is addressing, and I am very glad to see it.
I really hate the attitude of anyone that is “You don’t know anything about ______ until you’ve [something the speaker has done that the other person hasn’t].” It’s condescending and obnoxious, and while it’s certainly not limited to parents, it seems to be particularly visible there. “You think you’re tired because you ran a marathon/defended your thesis/work three jobs? Ha! You don’t know what it means to be tired until you have kids!” “You don’t REALLY understand love until you have kids!”
What a lovely person you are! Thank you for this truly wonderful post.
I am so sick of the “war” between parents and the childfree. It’s true, those of us without children do not know what it’s like to love a child in the specific way a mother or father does. But…..there’s nothing wrong with that. While some of us dislike children, there are quite a few of us who love kids—we just don’t want to raise any of our own. We choose to live a lifestyle different than yours, not because we hate you, or look down upon you, but because we have no great longing for offspring and we have many goals we wish to achieve that would be sidelined by having children. This does not make us evil or selfish or heartless, unfeeling monsters; on the contrary, childfree people often have more time and resources to give to those in need than parents do, because we do not have the very real and very large expense of children weighing us down. Many childfree people are even the lifeboats for parents who fall on hard times or are irresponsible with their money and cannot afford to give their children everything they need. Parents would not have access to such generosity if everyone had their own kids to pay for. I think it’s a blessing that we are allowed to choose which path we take.
Parents: do not see us as the enemy. We may or may not want anything to do with your children, but that is our right as we were not the ones who had any say in their creation. For those of us like me, we are thrilled that you were able to realize your dream of having a baby, and we wish you all the best. We will be there to witness your child’s growth into adulthood and may even take an active, loving role in helping him or her get there. But do not offer us fake pity for not knowing “the love of a child like a parent does.” We don’t want it, we aren’t missing it, and we feel whole loving our friends, families, partners, pets, and ourselves. We too have families. They’re just smaller than yours.
“But to claim all parents are full of shit making claims about what being a parent is like for them is ridiculous.”
Okay, but that didn’t happen. What she said is that parents who use their experiences to tell other people what parenthood would be like for *them* are full of shit. What she said is not that a parent is full of shit who says “Having a child is transformative for me.” What she said is that a parent is full of shit who says to a person without children, “Having a child would be transformative for *you* in this particular way,” a/k/a “*you* do not understand real love.” Nobody is questioning a parent who wants to say, “I never really understood love until I had my child.” This is addressed to people who assume that experience to be universal and use it as a way to consider themselves automatically more emotionally evolved and sophisticated than people without children. And unfortunately, yes, that is a pretty common thing to hear from parents.
Incidentally, oh my God, if you are considering having children in response to anything that ANYONE says about being a parent on Facebook, please don’t. That is bone-chilling.
Thank you for posting this — it’s an excellent point!
As a parent, I am happy to announce that this is entirely, 100% true. Those other Love Olympics parents honestly sometimes make me feel like I maybe don’t love my kids as much as I should / could, but it’s people like the author of this article that remind me that it’s probably more to do with other people getting high-and-mighty than me being a horrible, cold-hearted mother. 🙂
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
Bless you forever for this.
As someone who is struggling with infertility and the fear not ever being able to have kids, Thank you for this, i struggle with this so much.
Thank you for this. As an infertile of going on 8 years, I have repeatedly heard this or something like it. At this point I am well versed in telling the offender to STFU, but it definitely doesn’t remove the sting.
Thank you for this article I have never thought about love in this way, that “every kind of love is unique”. Even though I always imagined I would have children it never eventuated for a number of reasons. I expected my world to fall apart without children but it didn’t. Once I grieved the loss of never being a mother my childlessness turned out to be the most wonderful gift I have ever received. It has given me the opportunity to explore life and love in so many other different and extremely valuable ways. I am a daughter too and have experienced immense love between myself and my parents so I am not without knowing the bond between parent and child. Thanks for your uplifting perspective. I know my life is as equally valuable as anyone who has children but it is nice to feel supported as a childless woman by someone who is a parent.
Thank you…us childless (not child-free) are constantly told we don’t know real love, or have compassion for children. Like not being able to have a kid means we aren’t feeling people, or our hearts are somehow smaller. You made me laugh. A rare thing. A parent with compassion for those outside the blessed childed!
I cannot wait to make the parakeet analogy in the future. Thank you!!!
As a stepmother with no bio children who is constantly put in her place because “I’m not a parent and just don’t understand,” THANK YOU. This article doesn’t undermine a parent’s love for his or her children, it argues against the trivialization of emotions of people who aren’t parents. I have feelings too! Just because my love isn’t the same as someone else’s, both emotions are EQUALLY legitimate, parent or not.
I want to run and tell my husband “YOU will never know RELIEF until you read this article as a childless stepmom.” But that’s a little foul-played…
Thanks again for such a supportive read!
Before I had my daughter, I had a stepson whose love was transformative. If someone had told me that the depth of love you can feel as a stepmother would be unimaginable, I would not have believed them. It is a different love to love a non-biological child who you don’t have legal responsibility for but do have a moral responsibility for than any love you feel for anyone else. Then I gave birth to my daughter and it was the most unimaginable wonderful experience like no other. I knew love in a deeper way and it made me love my husband and my stepson in a deeper way. Seeing someone who is part you and part your loved one is amazing and if someone had told me that would be the experience, I would not have believed them. My daughter died of SIDS at 5 weeks old. If someone had told me the depth of pain I would feel losing a child, I would not have believed them. They say that losing a child is such a tragedy for a reason…they say it is something no parent should ever experience for a reason. It hurts so much because you loved so much. You lose th potential to see a being you created grow into a person, you lose the relationship you could have had. Since then I have had infertility. I doubt I would feel the sting of infertility so much if I hadn’t had a daughter. Even while pregnant having a child seemed optional and I didn’t imagine I would love my child so much. My longing for a child came from my experience of having loved a child and lost her that was mine. So, coming from a parent who has loved a child like no other, I can imagine saying to someone you are missing out if you don’t have a kid. Yes, you are giving up certain things and it is not always fun, and maybe certain personalities just wouldn’t enjoy it, but when you love someone so much, you are wishing good will on someone to say that they may be missing out on something to not have a child. I also think people are missing out by not having pets and not having a significant other. I can imagine there are child free people who think others are missing out because they don’t enjoy the life they leave. It is the nature of enjoying and being transformed by something that you believe others would experience the same thing. It might not be true, but it is a natural reaction to appreciating what you have and also what you may have lost.
Thank you so much for this; I can’t express how glad I was to finally find an article from a mum who isn’t engaged in the faux ‘war’.
I’m a live and let live type; unfortunately I’ve now found out that my husband’s family most definitely aren’t that type since they’ve realised we will be remaining child free. From parents and siblings in law that I thought accepted us as we were and who I felt very close to (I’ve known them for 16 years), we have become outcasts, almost entirely isolated from family events. When we do meet up, the pitying and sometimes even contemptuous looks and comments are so hard to bear that we are now reluctant to meet, making the situation worse.
I like children a lot; I’ve been a social worker in a children’s home for 11 years, a good, committed practitioner. But I made a tough decision due to several factors, that I wouldn’t have my own, and I’ve done my grieving. I never believed that my in law family would have acted like this and it really hurts, and has affected my mental health. I can only appeal to those who give either parents or the child free/less a hard time, there’s no war here; don’t judge until you have walked a mile in someone else’s shoes.
But the author doesn't even have parakeets, so how would they know anything about true love
Hi I just made a comment – I included a surname with the name, but I would prefer if you didn't put the whole name on the site – sorry – thanks