Aubrey Hirsch’s previous Loco Parentis columns for The Butter can be found here.
In June, I gave birth to a baby boy. His father, his big brother and I all welcomed him home together. He is pink and perfect. And he’s my last baby.
Even through the electronic ether of cyberspace I can feel you tearing up at those words, those incredibly loaded words: LAST BABY. But please don’t. I’m not sad. I’m not mourning. I’m happy! I’m thrilled! I’m celebrating! I’ve been waiting my whole life to build this family, and now? It’s done. It’s complete. For the first time, I can look around my little house and say, Everybody’s here! Let’s get this party started!
My partner and I always planned to have two babies. We were excited about giving our son a sibling and about getting to meet another one of these crazy little people we made all by ourselves. But, I’ll be honest, as I neared the end of my pregnancy I started to get a little wistful about bringing home another baby. Things with my older son were just starting to get easy. He was becoming his own person. He had opinions; he told jokes; he could get in and out of his car seat by himself. He was also just beginning to develop the capacity to look forward to things and I thought about all the fun stuff I wanted to do with him: bake cookies, go to movies, drive around after bedtime looking at Christmas lights.
And then I thought about how impossible those things would be to do with a brand new baby and its unpredictable schedule, earsplitting scream and ALL THOSE NEEDS. I realized that I’d spent two and a half years working so hard to get to this easy place and now I was going to have to start all over again.
Of course, it will be worth it. My younger son is already settling into life on the outside. Day by day, things are starting to get a little easier. But even though I’m so enjoying getting to know this new person, I still find myself ticking off the weeks with relief. I’ll never have to do those first days home from the hospital with a new baby ever again. I’ll never have to teach another baby how to nurse without pinching me. I’ll never have to recover from another birth.
I will never have to go back to the beginning again. Now, I can focus on moving this family forward. To me, that is major cause for celebration.
So when I tell you this is my last baby, please don’t say “Aw, that’s sad.” Please don’t tell me I might change my mind, or that I “never know.” Trust me, I know. And please, PLEASE, don’t say, “Aren’t you going to try for a girl?”
I don’t want to look at your pitying eyes. I want you to celebrate with me! Try saying, “That’s great.” Or “Yay! Your family’s complete!” Or “That must be an awesome feeling.” Or, at the very least, ask me some questions to ascertain how I might be feeling about closing the door on this whole reproduction thing.
Please don’t assume I’m sad. I’m not sad. I’m so, so happy. I sometimes can’t believe how lucky I am to have these two amazing boys. I’ve been dreaming about my children since I was a little girl and I can’t tell you how good it feels to look at their beautiful faces and say, “It was you I’d been waiting for all this time. You’re finally here.”
<3 <3 <3 <3
Aw, I envy this certainty of knowing you’re done! I also don’t relish the notion of starting all over again, but I might want a third kid anyway. Or I might not. I don’t knoooooow.
This is GREAT.
I dunno, writer makes a lot of assumptions about what people think when they hear her her say “my last baby”.
Or, as she suggests, people have said these things to her, so she can be pretty sure of what they’re thinking.
Aubrey, this was lovely <3
No she states “Even through the electronic ether of cyberspace I can feel ~you~ tearing up at those words” but maybe I feel relief or disinterest, or perhaps dismay that she actually had two children at all. The audience for these words are poorly defined, so as part of the audience I can say – many people do not feel any of the things she assumes they do.
Right.
After “Even through the electronic ether of cyberspace I can feel ~you~ tearing up at those words” I assumed tears of joy, not sadness. 2 babies seems like enough justification of your fertility that people should leave you alone! What more could you ask for, society!
That aside its nice tho.
I really don’t know why people insist on telling other people they might change their minds. Like, uh, yes? That’s a thing that might happen. Seems unlikely, or I probably would have phrased my initial statement differently, but the world is a big and strange place. But…. I…. just don’t get it. Why is undermining people in that way acceptable small talk?
Seriously. I’m too terrified of conflict to disagree with someone about something that doesn’t actually matter to me.
I am so happy for you. <3 I felt much the same when I had our third son. Three boys. There is something about a mother with all sons that makes people plead with her, “are you suuuuuuuure you don’t want to try for a girl?” Or “going to keep trying for a girl?” I’m happy – thrilled, really – with my home of all boys. I feel deep in my bones that everyone is here who was meant to be here. My comeback to the questions (which I still get, even now that my eldest son is a teenager and my youngest is almost eight) is “I’m perfectly content being the only source of PMS my home will ever know.” That shuts them up. Usually.
Love this! I have two girls, and I have never even once regretted our decision to stop after two. Congratulations on your lovely new baby!
Are you me? Thanks for putting into words what I’ve been feeling in the 5 weeks since my daughter has been born.
I have a 14-month old and plan to have one more child but haven’t yet, so every time we get over some tough hurdle I think to myself, “ughhhhh I’m gonna have to do this agaaaaiiinnnn.” Happy for you. When my time comes, I too will not be sad.
Envy envy envy. All I feel is envy. I am so looking forward to the feeling of never being pregnant again.
Two boys here too. Gosh, it's lovely. Congratulations. There may have been a time when I hoped I'd have a girl too, but when my second was born, I knew we were done and we were complete. Fortunately, saying "I'm old" shuts people up about the "try for a third?" comments. Mine are 7 and 10 now, so the days of diapers and naps and bulky carseats (still have the booster for the little one, but it's so much easier) are long behind me, but I can report from this side of it and say that having brothers is so much fun. They really "get" each other, you know? (And "get" on each other's nerves, as well, but hey, isn't that all siblings?) They're perfect companions for each other, and I'm just happy they can make those annoying fart noises to each other and not me!)
This is exactly how I feel. My – last! – baby is 7 months now and just growing into an awesome little person. Of course I’ll miss some of the tiny person stuff but watching him play with his big sister makes my heart swell. I can’t wait for all the amazing things we will all do.
People reacting with sadness or pity seems like such an odd reaction. (But I speak as someone whose mother talks about the day of her sterilisation as one of the best days of her life, so I may be biased towards thinking that “deciding when to stop having children” is a good thing.)
I agree, it’s very odd! I am one of two children, and I’m not ever going to find that a weird or sad number because my family is great, but I’m also hardly alone there–two is a very, very common number of children to have. I’m scratching my head trying to discern what’s sad about that.
I don’t understand people being sad or judgmental of a person who says ‘I have two perfect healthy children and that’s all I wanted’
Maybe it would be different if she was saying ‘I can’t have anymore babies so this is my last’ or they had tried and failed to have another child, but if someone says they have everything that they ever wanted, that’s a good thing right?
Brother now has a boy and a girl, so of course they get the ‘one of each, well done’ comments, but why do people feel the need to judge what gender your children are? Asking if your going to try for a boy/girl is a bit insulting isn’t it?
Good piece btw, I love the celebration of womens choices!
I don't understand people being sad or judgmental of a person who says 'I have two perfect healthy children and that's all I wanted'
Maybe it would be different if she was saying 'I can't have anymore babies so this is my last' or they had tried and failed to have another child, but if someone says they have everything that they ever wanted, that's a good thing right?
Brother now has a boy and a girl, so of course they get the 'one of each, well done' comments, but why do people feel the need to judge what gender your children are? Asking if your going to try for a boy/girl is a bit insulting isn't it?
Good piece btw, I love the celebration of womens choices!
Thank you for this. My last baby is 18 months old today and I definitely have moments of being sad about no more babies. This is an awesome reminder about all the good stuff, and I needed it. <3