WIFE OF BATH: listen pal
first of A, I’ve been getting married since I was twelve
so everyone who hasn’t been getting married since I was twelve kindly pipe down and listen
listen in a me of direction
second of ly, I’m a little tipsy so everyone in this story is going to be called Allison because I forget their real names
SUMMONER: okay–
WIFE OF BATH: shuttup Allison
this is my story
heads up so it’s better to be married than on fire right
we can all agree on that fire-wise
anyhow ive been married five times
ill do it again too
anyone here ready to ride the ride
think about this boys:
everybody loves virgins, right
well where do virgins come from
women who have had sex and give birth to virgins
like me truly
look, you’ve got – another one, barkeep, and maybe fill the glass all the way up to the top this time? – every house isn’t made of gold, okay
you’ve got the things that are made of gold, okay, that’s virgins
but you need
you need lead things and wood things and cloth things too
for a house
and God loves allofem
just because I’m not made of gold doesn’t mean I can’t be a plate
or a hold for candles
candles holder
we can’t all be virgins because then who would make virgins
WHO
PARDONER: no, no for sure, you’re right
WIFE OF BATH: DAMN RIGHT I’M RIGHT
im sorry
im sorry
i didn’t mean to yell at you
pardon me
hahahha
youre the pardoner
so you have to pardon me
do you see what
PARDONER: I do
WIFE OF BATH: d’you see what i mean
about the pardoning
PARDONER: yes
WIFE OF BATH: good good great
look, long and short of it is
whoever my husband is, he’s going to be getting it both ways
coming and going
morning and opposite of morning time
honestly here’s the deal: ive had five husbands
three good, two bad
here’s more deal: the good ones? i hated em
you know how when someone loves you, it’s disgusting?
it was like that
and do you know why my red dress never had any moths in it?
BECAUSE I NEVER TOOK IT OFF
anyhow gotta wrap this up
last husband, Jenkins, loved him, hope he goes to hell
he hit me in the ears, I set his library on fire, ultimately it all worked out and was the best marriage i ever had
anyhow he’s dead now
and i’ve got a space between my two front teeth
if you know what i mean
GENTLEMEN
[Image via]
We got a whole list of physical attributes and what they symbolized in the Canterbury Tales, and to this day I remember none of them but the bit about gap teeth. I mean for god’s sake Chaucer, orthodontia hadn’t even been invented yet.
I always assumed ” a hole between her two front teeth” was an allusion to being a good blow job giver. Now that I think about it, I don’t why that makes sense but it does!
It was considered a sign of a lustful character in the Middle Ages. So it’s not that she was necessarily better at blowjobs, but that she’d be way more willing to give them at all.
It was also considered the sign of a lustful character in my high school! I had not considered that it might have ended with the Middle Ages in some places.
I have a large gap between my two front teeth, and I can assure you #notallwomenwithgaps
I do too and I fully admit to being a lustful character
Yeah my front teeth are so close together I can barely floss, but that never stopped me!
For anyone who wants to know that gap is called a diastema.
I did want to know! You’re the best.
he called me a bitch, I called him an asshole, he knocked me down, I burned his books
it was HOT, is what I’m saying
that bastard knew the way to a woman’s quoniam
You are brilliant, Aethel. Way to be the Allen Ginsberg of British Lit!
I wonder what Chaucer would think about the filthy Wife of Bath having a name we now associate with cleanliness.
(If you shower, that is. Bath tubs will never get you clean.)
He knew.
heads up so it’s better to be married than on fire right
Mallory, a better translation of the words of Paul has never, nor will ever, exist.
“he hit me in the ears, I set his library on fire, ultimately it all worked out and was the best marriage i ever had”
It’s good to know that Kiss With a Fist ended happily.
You know Ellen Tigh? col. tigh’s wife ion BSG who is always kinda drunk and loud and constantly getting into hair pulling fights with her husband followed offscreen presumably by amazing makeup sex?
That’s the vibe I always got from WoB here. Hands down the most fun character in Middle English.
WHOA yes
“you know how when someone loves you, it’s disgusting?”
I’m gonna bring this quote straight to my therapist, ty.
It’s so true!
“here’s more deal”
listen in a me of direction
A phrase I will be integrating immediately in my day to day life.
UH OH GUYS, I learned some disturbing things about feminism and the Wife of Bath from Googling to find out what being gap-toothed symbolized, here it is: “She believes in giving men what they desire, which is sexual pleasure from her. This proves that she is not fighting for liberation of women. This is definitely a non-feministic view. She is using sex to manipulate men just as men do to women because she openly is saying that she will give herself to the man. She definatley stands for sexual freedom. Giving in to the man’s desire goes against feministic beliefs.”
Long story short, it appears that the MRAs have successfully infiltrated the fifth grade and are posting their class essays on the internet now.
definatley
I mean- this has totally just upset everything I learned in my ENTIRE EDUCATION. English degree meet “…goes against feministic beliefs.”
My life is a lie.
Using sex to manipulate men sounds like the most fun application of #misandry available to the modern woman
“feministic”
Hold up, Jankyn is dead? Since when?
on account of she’s always talking about him in the past tense and travelling without him!
and she says “I would welcome the sixth, whenever he shall come!” It seems to me like he’s dead, but am I misreading this? Is Jenkins ALIVE? is there going to be a cool sequel?
I guess once you’ve lost four husbands maybe you just start planning in advance?
Turns out that “Wife of Bath” is the ultimate goal. The whole city. She will marry Bath.
Debbie does Dallas, but medieval style!
That was what I always assumed– that she figured what the hell, why not prepare for the inevitable?
Most scholars basically assume that he is dead.
(this is the part where I geek out and post all the interesting theories I learnt in yr 13)
– Many have theorised that he was just dead
– Some have thought that he was co-conspiritor with Alisoun to kill the fourth husband (who some others have suggested might have been murdered because he disappears so conveniently) and was hanged for the crime
– One lone theorist with the best name in the world, D.J. Wurtle, has theorised that he actually ran away when he believed that he killed her, her happy ending was a form of cathartic wish fulfilment, and her worries about polygamy (i.e. multiple marriages at the same time rather than marrying someone once your previous marriage has ended) are not incorrectly deployed scholarship but instead genuine fears as her fifth husband could still be alive
just because I’m not made of gold doesn’t mean I can’t be a plate
or a hold for candles
candles holder
The Wife of Bath would absolutely like to hold your candles, AMIRITE LADIES
just want to shout out the wife of bath for being amazing + my hs freshman english teacher who taught us Canterbury Tales for being amazing + my best friend who i made friends with b/c they were the only other person in my freshman english class who laughed when our freshman english teacher said that the Wife of Bath “got up out of the fire and fisted her husband” for also being amazing
For some reason, my brain insists on reading the Wife of Bath’s lines in the voice of Lumpy Space Princess.
I’m reading her lines a la the Powerpoint meltdown from Picnicface.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Something about the cadence of this at the beginning felt very “Hamilton”-ian (like the show, not the actual person). So since we all know how much you love it, I think maybe you and Lin need to collaborate?
THE TROLLER HAS BECOME THE TROLLEE
You want to put your Wife of Bath at the front of the party for melee combat. Summoner goes in the middle for ranged spells, with the Pardoner at the rear to dispel curses.
And now I want a Canterbury Tales RPG.
Oh, Wife of Bath, you can come to my parties anytime. You sound like a hell of a lotta fun.
She’s really the only Canterbury pilgrim I’d want to hang with.
Not gonna lie, sometimes I give these to my Brit Lit students.
I *always* give them to my Brit Lit students.
TRUE STORY. One time I was teaching The Wife of Bath TO GROWN-ASS COLLEGE STUDENTS and then the next day one of their moms called me to complain that I was exposing her daughter to pornographic material. TRUE STORY.
What on earth did you say to Mme. Helicopter?
I mean, what you’d imagine: “Blah blah standard part of the canon, blah blah FERPA, please call the department chair if you would like to discuss it further.” The daughter, for the record, was mortified and apologized to me the next day.
Poor thing. I imagine Mom did the same to the high school teachers. :/
I had a classmate who said she really enjoyed the Wife of Bath’s tale because it, like, totally reminded her of her relationship with her, like, own mother? The head swivels were pretty funny to watch. This was a classmate whose highest tally for ‘likes’ was over 80 in one class period, but I still remember her Wife of Bath commentary as a high point in that whole experience.
Found the Writings of Mallory this evening and read this one and the Miss Fisher one and you’re now the love of my life. Just sayin’.
My students usually end up with ‘defiantly.’
Sorry, was trying to put this above in the junior MRA thread! Now it’s just weird and random.
I’ve read this four times now and I will never stop reading it. Every day first thing. I love it.
I had a classmate who said she really enjoyed the Wife of Bath's tale because it, like, totally reminded her of her relationship with her, like, own mother? The head swivels were pretty funny to watch. This was a classmate whose highest tally for 'likes' was over 80 in one class period, but I still remember her Wife of Bath commentary as a high point in that whole experience.
My grandmother had five husbands and still managed to have a child out of wedlock in between. My mother was so mortified by her half-brother’s being illegitimate that when I was a child, I was told it was six husbands instead. I have no idea what they all saw in her, none of us could stand her. When I was a child, I asked my mother, “What did she do, poison them all?” There was a thoughtful pause, and then she said, “I don’t really know…”
When Granny died, my mother and her siblings went to recuperate over tea at a local place, and my stepdad went to register the death. He had to ring them to ask, “They need to know the husbands’ names and professions, and put them in the right order.” This turned out to be surprisingly difficult to work out, and involved an extra sheet of paper.
I don’t think there were any libraries on fire, but there were some remarkably vulval wall hangings. Tapestries, I think.