Twix – Irish Cream, as they are largely the same thing to begin with.
Pumpkin/Ghost Peeps – Vodka and cranberry so as to not immediately die of sugar shock.
Smarties – Mateus Rosé. Both are slightly fizzy on the tongue and a Rosé won’t overpower the Red Dye No.3.
York Peppermint Patty/Junior Mints – A Castilla y León that you can buy at a gas station.
Dum Dums – An Old Fashioned. Skip the garnish and use the lollipop as a stirrer. You’re the fun parent!
Red Hots – German Riesling. The brightness cuts through the treacly sweetness and cinnamon burn.
Tootsie Rolls – IPA or pale ale.
SweeTarts – Literally any Italian red. Does it have olive trees on the bottle? A stone church tower? You’re good.
Kit Kat/Three Musketeers/Butterfinger – South American Malbec.
Snickers – Beaujolais. Did you know Snickers were sometimes included in Sundries Packs given to Vietnam War platoons? Explain this to your disinterested children as they battle for the full-sized bar.
Atomic Fireballs – Tequila.
Almond Joy – That Chardonnay that comes in a tetra pack at about $8.99 a liter. Assertive and blunt enough to dull the cardboard coconut edge of an Almond Joy that’s been sitting in the back of a storage closet for six months.
Swedish Fish – Gin and tonic. Contemplate how adult you are for preferring a duet of sour and tart to the baser pleasures.
Whoppers/Milk Duds – Dry stout beer. Guinness will do.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins – A medium to dry sherry, like an Amontillado. You probably have a bottle in the pantry. Serve on the rocks.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Minis – Tawny port. We don’t know why it’s different than what you drink with Reese’s pumpkins, it just is.
Twizzlers – Cava or any non-champagne sparkling white. Champagne only if it comes in a can.
Candy Corn – Give your candy corn to someone who actually likes candy corn. Drink their shameful enjoyment like an ancient herbal liquor.
Just because candy corn somehow became the cliched punching bag of Halloween doesn’t mean we aren’t:
A) completely justified in our love of it
B) the super majority
I just want to know what candy-corn haters use for impromptu vampire fangs. I can’t think of any acceptable substitutes… are they forced to go without, the poor dears?
Oh we still use Candy Corns. Much like any other wax novelty, you can use them and then throw them out. In fact, it’s probably better that you do.
Sounds like all is well, then! Candy corn for some, miniature vampire fangs for others.
Wax lips! Upside: they last longer. Downside: they provoke drool.
I never used to be a candy corn person til I ate some with peanuts at a work party. Things are…..different now. I’m looking at the world through kinder, gentler eyes.
Yes! Candy corn + peanuts + pretzels = super delicious and festive snack. I’m glad you’ve seen the light. Welcome home.
Candy corn tastes like gentle, rich autumn sunlight and a perfect moment that lives on in your memory. Haters can hate.
I came here just to check if anyone else likes candy corn. I love it, and I can’t buy it, because no one else will eat with me, and then I just wind up eating a pound of sugar.
Candy corn tastes like honey. If you don’t like candy corn, I can only assume you’re some kind of bee-hater, which is a pretty unchill thing to be.
(Though I admit that liking the pumpkins is a little morbid. *I* like the pumpkins but ohmygodtheyresosweeeeeeet.)
I love the pumpkins. And the candy corns. Not so much the other mallowcreme confections (and especially not the “chocolate” ones), but the pumpkins, oh yes.
YES, THEY DO. Delicious, perfect honey with just the right amount of salt and texture.
What is with so much bee-hatred?? Why must the world kill what it loves and needs the most?!?!?
Gummy Bears: a bubbly sweet wine. I like to pour a glass of bubbly moscato d’asti, and then put a small handful of gummy bears into it. You know, like an adult. The gummy bears add a nice taste to the wine, and then once you’ve finished the wine, you have slightly bubbly, squishy alcoholic gummy bears to eat!
You are Adulting correctly, good job madam.
But when you pair your Twizzlers with some non-champagne sparkling wine, and you decide to use the Twizzler as a straw, do not then eat the Twizzler afterward. (I speak from experience.)
Do the bears dance in the bubbles? That would be awesome.
The Amontillado goes with the Reese’s Pumpkins because that’s the way Poe wrote it. *nods sagely*
Actual photos of my extensive research progress for this list
https://twitter.com/leavittalone/status/659753834…
I’ll be having a nice Scotch with my Swedish Fish, thank you very much.
And I’ll be having scotch with my scotch.
This is amazing. Bless your ministry.
There used to be a restaurant down the street from me that served something called the Blue Lagoon, which I believe was mostly vodka and blue curacao and had a Swedish Fish garnish. I went there just once before it closed, specifically to get this miraculously terrible cocktail, but wimped out when I saw all the other hideous candy cocktails arriving at the tables. This post is making me regret my cowardice.
I believe I may have had that cocktail! It was … unmemorable. Or memory-erasing. One of those two things.
A medium to dry sherry, like an Amontillado. You probably have a bottle in the pantry.
Actually… it’s downstairs. Why don’t I take you there so you can have a taste?
Poe: More like UN-Fortunato, amirite?
Tootsie Rolls – IPA or pale ale.
Interesting. Until now, I’ve been guided by the Brown Candy/Brown Liquor principle. For Tootsie Rolls, that means a Lowland single malt, or occasionally a nice Armagnac.
I think Tootsie Rolls taste just enough not like chocolate to bu,p them into the traditionally beer /chocolate pairings.
“You’re the fun parent!”
*weeps into old fashioned*
Circus Peanuts: Malört, to match the bitter heart of whoever gives out Circus Peanuts as Halloween Candy
So my brother once tried circus peanuts told me they were awful. I bought a bag for experimental purposes and they tasted like “bubblegum” (no one knows what that flavor is) which, well, isn’t awful; my brother tried a few from my bag and agreed. So now I don’t know what to think. Did I get a good batch, did he get a bad batch. Bubblegum flavored foam doesn’t seem like it should inspire much vitriol.
I think it’s mostly that they are a peanut-shaped and peanut-named product that doesn’t taste the least bit like peanuts. It’s an abomination that offends people’s sensibilities.
This all seems legit except pairing Atomic Fireballs with tequila. First, actual Fireball Whiskey exists, and second, why would you ruin expensive tequila?
(This comment presupposes that you would never buy shitty tequila.)
(Although oddly it supposes that you might buy Fireball?)
I recommend Cuervo Tradicional (TRADICIONAL) as it sits at the exact border of “who cares if we ruin it” and “yeah I’d drink this straight”
Maybe the real problem here is that I can’t imagine eating an Atomic Fireball on purpose.
I’m not comfortable with the words ‘actual’ ‘whiskey’ and ‘fireball’ being so close together in a sentence without the words ‘is’ and ‘not’ jammed in there as well.
But yes, I totally agree that since Fireball is just Dr. McGilicutty’s cinnamon schnapps with a new label and brown food coloring, that Fireball candy would be the perfect pairing. Perhaps it was too on the nose?
I think candy is different in Canada. I haven’t heard of some of these, and now I’m curious. (Although if it isn’t chocolate it can screw, IMO.)
We should do a cultural candy exchange! It broadens the horizons, sampling new forms of sugar.
Yes, yes, yes! I for one am intrigued by this “York Peppermint Patty” of which the gentleman speaks so highly….
oh my god, I never think that people haven’t tried these! York Peppermint Patties are small, round candies with darker chocolate that is filled with a minty cream/filling. They’re delicious, but melt rapidly!
I will try the peanut butter pumpkins, but will skip the candy corn.
In Canada, Smarties are chocolate. What Americans call Smarties, we call Rockets (and I also call my personal Kryptonite).
Oh yeah. I briefly wondered why Smarties were fizzy on the tongue then got distracted by the rest of the list before this information could surface in my brain.
Rockets are disgusting!
they are the tart, sugary stuff of life I will fight you on this
ok I won’t fight you but I will eat all the Rockets
Ugh, luckily my brother liked them so we could do some tradesies. He wouldn’t give me chocolate for them though (fair enough.)
Candy is definitely different in Canada! Coffee Crisp is not a thing in the States. 🙁
TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE. You will pry Coffee Crisp from my cold dead hands.
Coffee crisp??
Yes! Imagine wafers stacked atop each other and encased in milk chocolate, like Kit Kat but less dense, easier to pull apart with your teeth. Now imagine that the filling between the layers is mildly coffee-flavored.
Coffee Crisp wasn’t the only reason I considered forsaking all my family and doing graduate school at the University of Toronto, but it was a factor only slightly less significant than the Bush administration and the general awesomeness of the Canadians I’ve met.
I would argue that a vodka cranberry could hasten your death from sugar shock, seeing as most juice is mostly sugar anyway?
What if you made it with 100% pure cranberry juice, uncut by any water or apple juice? Just Cranberry is the brand, I think? That stuff is so tart it’ll turn your face inside out.
Starburst – vodka
100 Grand – vodka
Gummy Worms – vodka
Pixie Stix – vodka
Fun Dip – vodka
Mounds – vodka
get your vile sugary artificially coloured death away from my booze.
(says the diabetic with a food dye allergy)
Y’know, Skittlebrau?
Can any liquor stand up to Sour Patch Kids? Asking for a friend.
TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE. You will pry Coffee Crisp from my cold dead hands.
oh man. I want to try almost all of these. <3
I visit this site by chance and found it very interesting. The post share here is very informative and useful. Thanks for sharing this nice post. This is informative and helpful post. Great efforts made here to share this post. Keep the efforts up. Hope that you will come with more great articles as well. Thanks for sharing this post.This is educational and accommodating post. Extraordinary endeavors made here to share this post. Keep the endeavors up. A debt of gratitude is in order for sharing this post. This is an excellent and super post. It is really extraordinary and much informative post you have shared here. Very interesting to read and much helpful article. Keep posting in future as well. Thanks for sharing such a great post.