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Previously: Alien erotica.
“Keep your…keep your dick warm while I’m gone, then.”
“Best of luck with your whole genitals.”
“I have more fingers than orifices. That’s true for both of us. For all of us, humanly speaking, when it comes to being embodied. More fingers than orifices.”
“Let’s shudder together.”
“I’d happily generate fluids at your request, given a reasonable amount of preparation.”
“Most of your tongue is hiding under your throat, no matter how vigorously you waggle it toward my mouth.”
“We could grease one another. That’s an option. I could render you…greased internally, if that were a wish of yours.”
“I’d willingly perform ablutions on your, your…bathroom areas.”
“Consider treating me as one of the following for the next hour: food, an enemy, a miscellaneous animal.”
“One of us could easily siphon the other, and I have no real objections to that.”
“Put what is in your mouth in my mouth.”
“I’d like to dehydrate you slightly.”
“When we’ve finished doing what it is that we do, both of us will have sloughed off multiple layers of dead skin cells.”
“Kindly elucidate my folds.”
“Whichever direction you prefer is acceptable. We are both reversible.”
“I’d like to envelop, or at the least invert, a part of you that recently digested food.”
“Keep your…keep your dick warm while I’m gone, then.”
Pretty sure this was an actual line from this week’s episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend (which is a delightful show that everyone should watch because it features songs like this and this).
OMG, forget Hamilton, my goal is to get everyone on this website riding the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend train. It is SO GOOD and also I feel like it speaks to me in ways I would rather it didn’t?
I’ve watched “Settle For Me” at LEAST 5 times by now. I should just buy it on iTunes at this point.
“I’m So Good at Yoga” was like a deeply uncomfortable look into my brain during yoga classes and how a particular type of femininity makes me feel inferior even though I am a SMART, STRONG, SENSUAL WOMAN. Too. Much. Realness.
“I’m not afraid to get tattoos/ and they’re all in Sanskrit.”
YES to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend! And not just because my friend Ben was the Grocery Clerk with Half an Eyebrow!
This whole series speaks to my soul… and I don’t know if I should be worried about that.
I find Predator to be actually, legitimately sexy, so I guess you could be worried if you wanted, but I think instead you should just consider yourself in good company.
I always consider myself in good company at the Toast dot net!
Reading this series out loud is the BEST PARTY ACTIVITY, early on when you’re in the awkward “let’s form conversations somehow” stage. With already-close friends it gets the conversation moving, with new humans it breaks down the awkward stages without actually pushing into any super-dangerous territory.
This is a delightful suggestion that I might just need to implement the next time I host a party!
Kindly elucidate my folds might get added to either my Twitter bio or FB.
MALLORY, NO
MALLORY, YES
When I saw Mallory’s tweets about being bad at sexting I was like “I can’t wait until this inevitably appears on the Toast, though I cannot conceive of what guise it could possibly appear in.” Actually that is true for like 75% of Mallory’s tweets.
I read an interview with Mallory where she said that the erotica-writing alien pretending it doesn’t find human biology horrifying is really just her, and if you start thinking about what you’re doing during sex, it all gets too weird to continue.
*shudders alone*
oh wait.
Get it!
I think I’ve actually said the first two, despite being ALMOST certain that I’m a human.
If I haven’t ever explicitly stated the first one in so many words, it’s at least been implied on more than one occasion.
Hey, how’d my OkCupid profile get on here?
What am I wearing? I am clothed only in my own slowly-withering flesh and a thin, leaden layer of anxiety.
…No, the anxiety cannot be divested. I could flense myself, though, if you really wanted.
“Let us rub our hips together even though all of my erogenous zones can be found on my forehead. Yes I do find the human concept of foreplay confusing why do you ask?”
I am probably putting entirely too much thought into this, but… that last one? What? *becomes increasingly puzzled*
Me toooo, you’re not the only one…
I have been racking my brains trying to work out what it is and how I am doing sex wrong (loads of ways, probably).
i have ideas and none of them are good.
RImming? Anal prolapse?
Stop! STOP!
I have been studiously *not* thinking about what it might mean.
Probably the best plan, that.
French kissing.
Alternate title: Lines from Morrisey’s latest erotic work.
JUST SAYIN’.
BULBOUS SALUTATION
The picture.
What.
Is.
That.
Thing.
?
It is the hand of a certain kind of sloth.
An aye-aye!
Aye-aye, a lemur that has one long claw for tapping on trees to find insect holes, the thin finger to snag the insects out once it finds them.
It’s an aye aye hand! Aye ayes are a species of nocturnal lemur that lives in Madagascar. It uses its unusually thin middle finger to retrieve bugs from holes in logs and trees that it creates with its teeth.
I was 100% sure that it was a puppet hand from, like, The Neverending Story or Labyrinth or Willow or something. 100% sure.
Like everyone said, it is an aye aye, but fun fact: traditionally in Madagascar they are thought to be omens of death! You see one and it comes into your house in the night and uses its long nailclaw to kill you.
This isn’t true, but they are creepy looking, and it’s unfortunately led to them being endangered.
Sorry God made you ugly, little aye aye.
The combo of that visual with the fingers and orifices thing is, at best, unsettling.
“Consider treating me as one of the following for the next hour: food, an enemy, a miscellaneous animal.”
I snort-laughed.
I spent the morning writing a sex scene. I found this line quite inspirational.
“If you’re telling me that you want me to roleplay Santiago from The Old Man And The Sea, I’ll have you know that Hemingway has NO place in my relationships!”
“I have more fingers than orifices. That’s true for both of us. For all of us, humanly speaking, when it comes to being embodied. More fingers than orifices.”
Do thumbs count as fingers? Because if not, and interpreting “orifices” very broadly (and not very sexily), you can come up with the same number of orifices as fingers.
Even if thumbs count as fingers, they’re the same (for people with vaginas, anyway):
2 ear canals
2 nostrils
2 tear ducts (which Wikipedia calls a body orifice)
1 mouth
1 anus
1 urethral opening
1 vagina
= 10 orifices.
I think nipples on people who have functioning mammary glands should count, too, but I suppose I’ll just have to be satisfied with 10.
I was not counting the tear ducts. I now feel both better-informed and slightly creeped out.
good luck sticking a finger in a tear duct though.
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
I knew a dude in college who was real into trying to stick his dick in his partner’s ear (with forewarning, I think, not just randomly) (although he was not great with consent, so maybe just randomly?) (he was such a douche, he probably just did it).
Not sure what he thought he would accomplish there.
I was once subject to a very serious impromptu lecture in the dining hall about the dangers of letting anyone ejaculate into your ear… It was presented as general information, not personal anecdote, but still I was mystified and a bit horrified to know that this was An Item of Concern (they guy she was sleeping with was, in fact, a giant douche, maybe that’s a theme?)
Not a very *effective* douche, by the sounds of it?
Hahahahahahahahaoh, I see what you did there.
I was born with blocked tear ducts, and couldn’t cry until they opened them. (I mean, I could CRY, I couldn’t weep.)
Imagine not just sticking your finger in a tear duct, but surgical instruments in a newborn’s. Horror.
I don’t think you can count nipples without also counting sweatglands, at which point the whole concept collapses.
(nipples don’t have one hole, they have lots and lots.)
Consider treating me as one of the following for the next hour: food, an enemy, a miscellaneous animal.
my actual sex life.
“Let’s shudder together.” Wait, I thought that was childhood stories made horrific?
It is. Now go think about kittens for a few hours.
“Most of your tongue is hiding under your throat, no matter how vigorously you waggle it toward my mouth.”
This sounds eerily like something I would say to my nephews when they stick out their tongues at me…
“Consider treating me as one of the following for the next hour: food, an enemy, a miscellaneous animal.”
I totally read that in Brent Spiner’s voice.
I don’t get why this is funny.
–Jonathan Franzen
“Most of your tongue is hiding under your throat, no matter how vigorously you waggle it toward my mouth.”
i hate when mallory tells me something that deep down i knew was true but that i never wanted to think about not even once
(also, using this line immediately)
i hate when mallory tells me something that deep down i knew was true but that i never wanted to think about not even once
THE TRUEST ORTBERG WONDER AND HORROR
Last night after I cleaned my teeth I told my boyfriend ‘I have cleaned the exposed parts of my skull. Now I am ready to sleep’.
“There is nothing I find more erotic than the sight of an individual’s endoskeleton peeking coyly out from within their flesh. Use CREST WHITENING STRIPS!”
I’m quite proud of this alien’s commitment to learning and personal growth -it’s gone from horrified disbelief that human sex can exist, to exploring it through the medium of fiction, to attempts to participate! I wonder if it has a special human in mind, to encourage this exploration?
“Most of your tongue is hiding under your throat, no matter how vigorously you waggle it toward my mouth.”
This one creeps me out the most because it makes me think of how most of a snail is hiding in its shell, and in my mind it is but a short hop from snails to Uzumaki.
“Most of your tongue is hiding under your throat, no matter how vigorously you waggle it toward my mouth.”
This one creeps me out the most because it makes me think of how most of a snail is hiding in its shell, and in my mind it is but a short hop from snails to Uzumaki.
FOLDS! Oh my god, so I’ve been reading a lot of Miss Fisher fan fiction lately (like, A LOT) and the word “folds” has got to be up there with the least appealing words to describe genitalia ever. And I try to think of other alternatives (this is how I spend my time) but honestly, I just don’t have a lot of other ones I find acceptable!
Eugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
This makes me frightened at the thought of what all might be hiding under my throat, because I'm one of those people with a freakishly long tongue that extends all the way to the bottom of my chin.
Hello new Tinder quote!
“Best of luck with your whole genitals.”
BBC’s Sherlock bids farewell to Mary.
“Best of luck with your whole genitals.”
BBC's Sherlock bids farewell to Mary.