By Becky Brown

Becky Brown is a comedy writer living in NYC. She once bought a Train album, and her work has appeared on Reductress.

  1. Previously in this series: How To Tell If You're In a Dostoevsky Novel.

    You and your husband are having separate affairs and it’s very pragmatic.

    Your parents were really hoping for a son instead of a daughter, which is why they named you Brucey.

    All of your meals are carried on trays.

    Most of your days are spent going uptown. Uptown from where is

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  2. I keep my personal collection of artifacts in a mug that I use to burn incense in. Fingering through these relics now is a reminder of days spent cloaked in mud and sweat. The euphoric feeling of a cold shower after digging a trench on mornings so humid, my sunburns blistered. Tan lines that ended mid-calf from wearing duck boots, and the sweet satisfaction of sharpening the blade of my trowel.

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