Go On, Get Out Of Here

by Mallory Ortberg · July 1, 2016

Are you still here? Get out of here! Go on! Get! You can’t stay here! What are you standing there for? Go!

You’ve got to go back where you belong. You’ve got to go. We don’t want you. We’ve never wanted you. So get out! Get out of here! Go to the writer’s room! There is no scholarship! Can’t you see we don’t want you any more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I have loved you all.)

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

362 Comments

      1. 5bells +17

        What? Is that Harry and the Hendersons?!
        …You’ve seen it?
        This is my life, Jack!

    4. Rhetoric8d +5

      You know… I’m so incredibly grateful for the Toast.

      But look at what happens when it leaves us. Donald Trump gets elected President. Coincidence? I think not.

  4. Jocasta Carr +135

    Oh Mallory, Nicole, Nikki, Marco and everyone who made this place what it has been, writers and commenters all – thank you, so so much, from the bottom of my heart. I’m at my desk trying not to tear up because I’ve been here from the beginning and seen this grow into the amazing, unique space and community it has become, and it has been a daily joy even when there have been times where I’ve been more of an observer than a true member of the group. To echo Mallory I have loved you all and I am excited to see where everyone goes next, and I hope we can keep this beautiful community going and growing and changing in new, exciting, unforeseen ways. Go forth and be Too Witches, and may Llorothaag be with all of you.

  5. ixshelle +172

    I AM ACTUALLY SOBBING.

    I have never mourned a website more. I love you all dearly.

  8. heyheyemkay +427

    *whimpers one last time, looks at Mallory with deep and abiding love and forgiveness, trots off into the deepest part of the woods*

    1. dakimel +63

      Rending garments as we go, rubbing ashes into our hair, generally embodying pathos for a new millennium.

  11. JocastaCarr +64

    Oh Mallory, Nicole, Nikki, Marco and everyone who made this place what it has been, writers and commenters all – thank you, so so much, from the bottom of my heart. I’m at my desk trying not to tear up because I’ve been here from the beginning and seen this grow into the amazing, unique space and community it has become, and it has been a daily joy even when there have been times where I’ve been more of an observer than a true member of the group. To echo Mallory I have loved you all and I am excited to see where everyone goes next, and I hope we can keep this beautiful community going and growing and changing in new, exciting, unforeseen ways. Go forth and be Too Witches, and may Llorothaag be with all of you.

    1. ballisticjaguar +39

      side note. Before I found out that less than three was supposed to be a sideways heart, I thought it was lips puckering for a kiss.

  16. mariahnotmaria +107

    Mallory nooooo! Don’t don’t don’t.

    Mallory, I think you are the only editor I haven’t had a chance to thank yet. Thank you for everything you’ve done, for changing how I feel about feminism and Western art and literature. How lucky I am to have had my worldview shifted by a sea witch internet goddess. Love you, thank you, and goodbye*

    *Okay okay I’ll join Slate Plus just for you

    2. wisco_disco +143

      I AM A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN SUBJECT ONLY TO MARITIME LAW
      YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LEAVE IF I REFUSE TO TAKE TO THE SEA

      1. StoatCat +98

        I HAVE THE RIGHT TO TRAVEL FREELY THROUGH THIS WEBSITE. THIS IS AN ILLEGAL SEARCH.

  19. Alyson Kissner +149

    YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU’RE NOT MY MOM. (You’re kind of my mom.)

    4. halloweenjack64 +94

      Maybe this is where I can reveal my heart’s desire: next season, Arya reunites with Nymeria, and when she hugs her again, suddenly she’s rid of the desire to be a murderhobo.

        1. houblonchouffe +48

          Nymeria and Ghost are about to unite all the direwolves north of the Wall and the regular wolves south of the Wall and everyone better look the fuck out

      2. amysjoy +19

        THIS IS MY SECRET DESIRE, TOO. Every time I see Arya, I think “maybe this is when Nymeria comes back.” Or when Sansa returned to Winterfell: “Maybe Nymeria will trot up and comfort & reassure Sansa that Arya is okay & on her way home”

        1. carriejoyce +5

          YES. No one seems to know what the fuck I’m talking about either, even though I bring her up pretty much after every episode.

      3. carriejoyce +5

        This, and Arya reuniting with Sansa have been my #1 GOT dreams, from the beginning.
        NYMERIA IS OUT THERE.

    5. twoburgers +123

      Does this mean that we are setting The Toast free to rule a ferocious pack of she-wolves? I guess I’m ok with that.

      1. Givemebackmehat +85

        Is that not what we’re supposed to be doing right now? Have I completely misinterpreted this situation?

          1. rookstone +38

            I certainly hope this is what we were supposed to be doing. I’ve been recruiting she-wolves all day for this.

          2. Givemebackmehat +28

            Oh good because me too. You would not imagine how many pizzas it takes to feed a she-wolf army, btw.

  22. desigirl2404 +165

    I’m too witches to leave tbh. (ETA is this how witches works or am I getting that wrong?) (ETA again to say THANK YOU MALLORY FOR EVERYTHING)

    1. protocoach +61

      It works however you want it to work! It’s the beauty of being too witches for this stupid world, you make up your own rules.

  25. protocoach +54

    Mallory I have to WORK dammit, I can’t have all these feels running rampant.

  30. unleavings +94

    WE LOVE YOU MALLORY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TROLL US. Thank you so much for the toast. So much. So very much. Thank you for making it impossible to reread some of my childhood favorites, thank you for making me snort beer out my nose (ouch) while reading Monks Invent…, thank you for helping me realize that my cat is a teenage dirtbag.

    God, I’m going to miss this place.

  37. chnellociraptor +119

    This is the only appropriate Mallory send-off. Anything more would have been unseemly.

  42. praemunire +127

    “Harriet felt tears start in her eyes. Old Golly put her down sternly. ‘None of that. Tears won’t bring me back. Remember that. Tears never bring anything back. Life is a struggle and a good spy gets in there and fights. Remember that. No nonsense.’”

      1. halloweenjack64 +5

        “Karen, the invariably cheery yet socially awkward T. Rex, was the plan’s wild card.”

  52. queenofbithynia +190

    Mallory I’m going to be sincere and you can just stand right there and take it

    I know giving people inspiration and confidence is just all in a day’s work for you and you can’t keep track of all the times you done it any more than a possum can keep track of how many times he done a dreadful crime there in the dark under the earth, but you did it for me and that is an important thing to note because I am a very important person.

    typed this with my thumbs I did, on a telephone, that is how much it means to me

    2. apple_pi +20

      Cosigned. Also to Nicole and Nicole and Jaya and all the other beautiful witches. I am also important (and my hair is perfect just the way it is) and I insist that you let me say Thank You.

      Thank You.

  53. Kittygoesroar +58

    MALLORY.

    (I’m forever going to think MALLORY whenever I read anything that is too horrifically true and beautiful for this earth. Stop looking at our souls and turning them inside out MALLORY)

    (Except, please don’t. Or thanks. Whatever. YOU get out!)

    1. Unreadaethel +5

      That awkward moment when you read something mind-bending and perfect, and everybody looks at you funny when you exclaim JESUS CHRIST, MALLORY.

  54. PobbleInFlipflops +14

    Ugh, my heart! I don’t want it to be over. I’m not ready. *Plays “Graduation” by Vitamin C on a loop forever while keening*

  55. Linette +121

    I’m just going to be grateful you didn’t do anything sincere and heartfelt because I know you could destroy us all and it is only because you didn’t take up the One Ring that we’re all still standing.

    1. StoatCat +25

      I’LL STAY A WEEK OR TWO
      I’LL STAY THE SUMMER THROUGH
      BUT I AM TELLING YOU
      I AM NOTTTTTT

      GOOOOINNNNNNNGGGG

  59. banana_bel +31

    MALLORY.

    I have loved you more than it is reasonable to love an internet stranger. Everything you say speaks to me in weird and wonderful ways.

  61. thebeagee +72

    This is reminding me of the time I worked at a girl scout camp and confused the girls on the last day because I was crying more than they were. The littlest one let me hug her stuffed otter during campfire.

  62. zachariahary +15

    Is that “Harry and the Hendersons”?
    This is my life, Mallory.

    So long and thanks for all the jokes!

  63. HelloChel +11

    Fine, I’m going. But not because you told me to. Because I want to. (I don’t want to, please don’t make me leave!)

    1. OctoChriek +5

      I AM VERY GLAD THAT THIS IS NOT THE END TO OLD YELLER. THAT WOULD MAKE MY DAY A GOOD DEAL WORSE.

  67. grandma_nancy +111

    Been thinking about the first half of that Margaret Atwood line–“men are afraid women will laugh at them”–I think that’s what’s been so powerful for me about the Toast and Mallory’s work in particular. How sometimes it’s okay and actually even the best strategy to look at all the garbage men put into the world, take a deep breath, and laugh at it. Thank you Mallory and The Toast for showing me how powerful that can be.

  68. Mrs_Peel +107

    I already mentioned this on the Link Round-up, but I guess *this* is the place to note that a bunch of us Toasties won 1st place at “30 Rock” trivia last night. By a significant margin, I might add.

    GO TEAM

          1. Mrs_Peel +6

            Rochester, NY, but I think other cities have been doing it, too.

            (You should come visit anyway, it’s a lovely place!)

    2. ParadoxBox +5

      We played too! But we took seventh. We lost to the Factory Reject Dildos, damn them. Team MeatCat is ashamed.

  69. Merripat +28

    And we have loved you, Mallory.

    NOW DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, you’re only my favourite website’s ex-editor now.

  71. felaleof +77

    I want to say thank you to every one of the founders, editors, writers, and commenters.

    The-Toast.net is the first website I visited where intelligent, passionate, funny, warm, creative, and/or nerdy women who like books, history, and art are openly celebrated without an emphasis on their appearances or outfits.

    I’ve learned so much about ableism, animals, art, creativity, emotional labor, faith, families, friendship, happiness, history, human rights, humor, language, literature, love, mental health, music, politics, racism, romantic relationships, self-care, self-expression, self-worth, and sex from all of you, just to name a few major themes.

    I will carry these lessons with me, and I will be back to link friends to articles, read and reread stories, and renew myself.

    The Toast has helped me relearn that the point of making art is to enjoy the process instead of the output, that I’m not any more insignificant than anyone else, and that I’m not as alone in the world as I thought I was. You have soothed my insecurities, supported my feelings, provided me with wisdom and advice, and made me laugh. I celebrate your triumphs and accomplishments. You have been a friend to me, even if you didn’t know it.

    You have helped me rediscover parts of myself that I thought were lost. You have helped steer me toward a better version of myself. My life is happier and better for having had you in it.

    I look forward to hearing from you, reading your writings, and following your projects in the future. I like you, respect you, and admire you. You are my people, and I hope you all live your best lives.

    Thank you.

    1. OneLeftGlove +13

      Okay, this was the first thing to make ME laugh-cry. Now we’re all doing it, damn it.

  74. fenixdawn +31

    FINE I DIDNT LIKE IT HERE ANYWAY * slams door dramatically *

    (love you too Mallory)

  78. kokeefe11 +42

    The internet is garbage now. I will miss the only place where I could disagree about religion and laugh my ass off in one sitting.

  79. SmrtCookie +22

    Oh thank god, I really can’t handle anymore.

    (I love all of you weirdos)

  81. Mairead +24

    But Toast, to where can we go?

    look, I kept quiet for the LoTR thread and the last-time-for-laughing-inappropriately-while-at-work art threads, and the last literary threads, and even the HILLARY thread (oh my heart).

    But I can’t stand it.

    Gonna go cry now. Thanks for everything.

  82. clolibo +17

    oh gosh when you talked on twitter about your last piece I thought it’d be DEVASTATINGLY SENTIMENTAL and I would cry, and yet only one thing came true.

    1. happysadcat +20

      Is that…Emma Thompson with a crow friend?! In the best dress EVER?!!!

  86. thejessbeast +13

    I love you with so much of my heart none is left to protest. *wails sobs beats my chest*

  87. sausagedog +52

    We are Air Bud, and you are the boy telling us we have to go back to the angry clown.

    (The angry clown is patriarchy.)

    (I don’t remember Air Bud that well.)

  89. phlippin +42

    You see? When you say things like that you make it impossible for me to hate you! And I hate you, The Toast…I really hate you. *sniffle*

    *whispers* hate you…

    1. EuterpesDelight +3

      I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgYZeVospVc&a…

  90. leslieellenjones +22

    Mallory, for all the sadness about the end of the Toast, I am hanging on in faith that you will now be free to produce scads more insight and snark and remaking the history of art and invention in new contexts and I can’t wait to see it all.

  94. Jessargh +15

    oh now I’m actually crying & I can’t run away because of the crying I can’t see where I’m going I’ll just run into a wall and is that what you want Mallory really
    (love you guys)
    (all the best)
    (sob)

  95. nforssmed +22

    I’m too witches to go.

    (This is too heartbreaking, I’ll miss this place so badly. We’ve loved you too and thank you!)

    4. Unreadaethel +18

      “One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine. Goodbye, Susan. Goodbye, my dear.”

        1. Unreadaethel +9

          I shall take this in the spirit in which it was intended, and add that I hate you and I hate your face, you Michigoose.

  98. 1averagehieght +10

    Here is one more thank you from the heart. MALLORY!!!! look what you Nicole and Nikki built.(go team!) Toast will go down in history, you have set the bar high, giving us a crazy mash-up of literary leanings and feminist wit. And we love you for bringing us together. Heart full.

  100. Orla +21


    *takes to the sea*

    Mallory, thank you for making me laugh harder than any other human being on the interwebs and for making me feel smart because yours are the type of jokes that my nerdery has made me automagically be in on.

    So long, and thanks for all the dickribbons and for being too witches in all the best ways.

  102. ughanothername +9

    Ugh I’ve been sick and this was the first week of a new job and the last week of the Toast UGH. This place was (is) great I shall miss it terribly.

    I’d post the Archer “you’re not my supervisor” gif but I refuse to learn html.

  104. Zooey_Glass04 +11

    I have been offline all day today and have missed all the final posts going up! So taking the opportunity now to say – you are great! You are all great! This has been a truly wonderful site and community and I am devastated to see it go but also happy to see it go out on a high. So excited to see what you all do next.

    LOVE YOU GUYS *bawls*

  105. Ladyhampton +10

    I’m clinging to my laptop right now. This is a totally normal response, no?

  106. aqwaplop +12

    ok byeee bye byee byebye bye byebye byeeeee *waves hands wildly as though using them for the very first time*

  110. OneLeftGlove +11

    I love you, Toast. I can say that now, because I know how to call love by its right name.

    Thank you all–Nicole, Nikki, and especially Mallory–for inspiring me in ways I haven’t been inspired in years. It’s a special and important thing you’ve done here. Don’t ever doubt it.

  111. Pegasus Olson +10

    ::sniffles::

    Thank you for the Toast, Mallory—I followed you over from the Hairpin and I’m so glad I did. I’ll be reading you as Prudie and anywhere else I can find you.

    …Guess we should hit the road.

        1. dido_and_zdenka +2

          100% what I was thinking as I wrote that. I’m still waiting for another installment of Ghost. That’d better be what Mallory does next now that (can’t type it).

  113. irishup +42

    THIS WHOLE ENDEALMENT, I DO NOT PRIZE!!!!!!!!

    (ETA except that Toast is amazing and I haven’t been this upset since Shapely Prose, or maybe I Fry Mine In Butter. Thank you all)

  114. silveraure +3

    Mallory, have absolutely loved reading your posts. I will greatly miss this site and hope you keep writing in some other (hopefully public…) forum.

  115. HerewithyouSam +3

    30 Rock Feels. Toast Feels. Too many feels.

    You were all lovely. Thank you so much for everything.

  116. SecretGoldfish +4

    Thank you all for everything you did on this site. It has meant so much to me over the years, and I am going to miss it immensely. I can’t even come up with adequate words. Just, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    1. redheadedwolf +4

      Giant chat room! We have lots of help to provide, starting from channels like slack101 and adminstuff — that latter one can better direct you. I look forward to seeing you there! <3

      1. k4renbr00ks +2

        Oh sorry, wasn’t clear — I use Slack for work, but how do I connect with Toasties? I remember seeing something about a group, but can’t find the name…

        1. redheadedwolf +3

          Oh sure! Just email ppyajunebug @ gmail for an invite! She’s getting a LOT today, so it might take a bit!

          2. Copy Goddess

            I’m trying to email her, but Yahoo keeps telling me “the recipient information doesn’t look quite right” and making me try again (which doesn’t work).

  118. safi +15

    But it’s not even noon yet on the west coast?!!!

    As a reader who arrived on the very first day (and remembers evil melis from Hairpin comments etc), and read so assiduously I had a permanent The Toast tab open, thank you. Thank you Mallory and Nicole and Nikki (and Roxane! I loved The Jam though it made sense you were too busy to run it for long) and all the writers, and the commenters oh the commenters! Even as a mostly-lurker, I feel/felt so invested in everyone’s struggles and triumphs and growth.

    You have all been a beautiful antidote to the garbage-pile the world (and esp the internets) can be.
    Meet you on the sea.

  120. bonncat +9

    Mallory! Thank you for helping me deal with the realization that getting yelled at is the worst thing!

  121. elisium2 +18

    As naught but a longtime lurker, I feel compelled, here at the end of all things, to say thank you to everyone who made reading this site such a joy. So… thank you! I’ll be revisiting The Toast for years to come, with every post I reread reminding me that, for a shining moment, the internet had something truly enlightening, literary, powerfully feminist, and full of dickribbons.

  122. srijanisays +4

    I am a blithering mass of tear soaked flesh today.

    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  123. snowqueene +12

    Mallory, I am wishing you a sledge and a passel of naked straight white men to carry you off into the sunset. Thank you for everything.

    As for me, I am going to listen to you, stop crying over the internet, and go live my best life.

  124. beakbreath +41

    Cut to: Sansa’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpuppy, in a skyscraper, pitching the Toast to trickster god Mallory. A flying car zooms past the window, pursued by Baba Yaga.

  125. LGBTRex +37

    A fitting final post for Mallory “Creed Arms into a Sea of Haters” Ortberg.

  126. LaughableWalrus +11

    Super belated and can’t log in to IntenseDebate, but I’ve been (mostly lurking) on this site since it began and I can’t go without saying something. I live on the wrong side of the world to join in most of the commentary, but it brought me so much joy to know that the Toast community was out there making the world a more witches place. Thank you, Nicole, Mallory, Nikki, and all the loyal Toastrons for making The Toast everything it is.

  127. shahnnen +6

    I will keep coming back to the archived pages even if I have to use the Wayback machine. YOU CAN’T STOP ME! <SLAMS DOOR TO ROOM>

  129. Birgler +18

    Posting my first (and last?) ever Toast comment to express the inexpressible overwhelming combo of emptiness and gratitude that the existence of the Toast and its end are fucking me up with right now.

  135. Mallory SK +12

    I love you, I love this site, I have been weeping all morning. Thank you for the beautiful monks, the pitch meetings, the space to feel safe and understood online, the beautiful stories about identity and self, and of course, for the continuous pics of dogs. Damn you for making me cry about the internet. Take to the sea.

  136. Unreadaethel +10

    See, this post right here is why I’m not at work today.

    p.s. I just got an email from Aromaleigh, and this month’s Goddess of the Month is Diana, which seems appropriate

  139. deleted7410012 +9

    i am so late to this because i was traveling but this is just to say that white fang-ing doesn’t work on me!

    thank you, mallory and nicole and nikki and jaya and tech-goth marco and all the other wonderful writers and artists and all the toasties for making me laugh and cry and think about new things, both silly and serious. you’ve made the internet a better place to be. i wish you all the very very very best.

  141. alula_auburn +41

    Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
    I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

    (I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I wish for Mallory and Nicole and Nikki and everyone else to go on to amazing new work and new platforms, and spread toastiness throughout the land. This website made me feel less alone than I ever have in my whole life, and I love you and I like you and thank you forever.)

    1. whollyword +7

      MILLAY. Perfect. <3

      *throws hypoallergenic flowers in your general direction*

    2. Fuzzy +1

      Augh, this one did it for me. Thanks alula_auburn, now crying at my computer. I’m going to miss you all, so much!

  144. jlper +28

    The saddest thing about The Toast closing today, of all days, is that The Purge: Election Day came out today and we will never read Mallory’s review.

  149. sarawr +15

    DID YOU JUST HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS US?

    Damnit, I thought I was finished Toast-crying for the day…

  150. Sasha +7

    I’m gonna miss this site so much. So blessed to have stumbled upon femslash fridays all those years ago. :’)

  153. vividshivers +7

    noooo this is the saddest day on the Internet, I will miss everyone here, from editors to commenters <3

    much love to everyone and I hope you all just have the most delightful things happen to you from here on out!

  154. StoatCat +32

    Is this my last comment? My last chance to hurl my thoughts into this beautiful well? What can I say that fits this enormity, both the meanings of it, the right and the wrong, all at once? Only nerds have words for these moments. I shall speak these nerd-words, and let it be.

    Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, yours are the most….human.

    1. faintlymacabre +4

      If I were human, I believe my reply would be, “Go to hell.” If I were human.

    2. faintlymacabre +2

      I’ll nerd with you!

      “If I were human, I believe my response would be, “Go to hell.” If I were human.”

      1. faintlymacabre +6

        Damnit, Jim, I didn’t see the first one work, so assumed I’d f-ed up. Anyhoo, this also feels highly applicable to this situation:
        “Second star on the right, and straight on ’till morning.”

  155. Jess +7

    Yeah well I never liked you guys anyway. And no those aren’t tears, I’ve just got allergies. Bye. Seriously. Not coming back.

  160. Amber +10

    I don’t want to! I love you nerds so much.

    I’ll be looking for those totes in the wild so I can find my people again.

  162. chloevonbaron +13

    If we don’t go, it means you have to stay open, right? Just like when they shut down the Halo 2 servers.

  163. Bunburying +20

    So long, Melis, and thanks for all the dickribbons.

    we’ll be gaunting you

  166. Erink +11

    I have been a lurker. I’ve been unable to lurk for the past few weeks due to a job change, and I am so sad right now. What a wonderful place. I plan on going back and reading what I’ve missed recently, but it just won’t be the same without the opportunity to chime in. Lovely place, lovely people. So long (see you on the slack….)

  168. 5bells +9

    Muppet Christmas Carol and 30 Rock references (and Hillary Effing Clinton), because you guys are trying to literally break my heart.

    I love you, too, Mallory, and all of you wonderful Toasties.

  170. iiiiimnotsorryy +38

    I already posted this on Twitter but I wasted Valuable Work Time making it so it’s going here too:

    je vois la vie en toast

  171. Tim +13

    Is this picture of Frank Rossitano always gonna be the image we see when we go to the-toast.net?

  173. mialro12 +27

    I love you, Mallory.
    I love you, Nicole.
    I love you, Nicole.
    I love you, Jaya and Matt.
    I love you, all other columnists and writers.
    I love you, all commentators and Toasties.

  174. throwawaystyle +7

    i don’t have anything fancy or funny or even pithy to add. I just want to say thank you to everyone who made this such a magical place.

  176. Lola Moco +6

    The Toast editors and Toast Commentarians – Thank you so much for being such a well spring of outsize laughter, beautiful poignancy and smarty smart smart ass smartiness! I will mourn you and miss you and will re-read for humor and inspiration. Also now I love art history and have a language for my hatred of raccoons. I don’t know how you knew me and everything I am interested in, but I am so GRATEFUL. Someone please let me know were we will migrate to next.

  177. Kate +6

    Mallory I listened to your Dear Prudence podcast today and your voice was not what I expected! (I don’t know what I expected)

    Anyway, I am not a person who comments on things, so this might be my first and last comment on the Toast, but I just want to say that I have loved the Toast very deeply (especially Mallory’s pieces) and I will miss it dearly.

    (Also, please please please can there be a Bay Area meetup??)

      1. Kate

        sadly i’m actually going back east to visit my parents tomorrow! maybe i should be looking for new england toast wakes…..

  179. Old_Girl +45

    Nope, nope, nope, I am the panda cub, The Toast is the ball, and you are the ineffectual gloved hand, Ortberg

    (But seriously, you’re the best, Mallory; I’m going to miss you and everything Toast terribly! Thanks so much for everything, Misandrist-in-Chief)

  180. Emily +5

    Mallory, I’ve spent many a late night reading your writing and cry-laughing from my gut and waking the children. I will always love you for Two Monks and for all your brilliant piss-takes of great literary figures (I’m an English professor). Thanks <3

  181. bambam +7

    Nothing will ever take away from the good that was The Toast. It is no more; even still, because it was, it still is, and will always be. Thank you for doing good and being good.

  185. Nicole +7

    I only commented once, three years ago, but I really love The Toast and the people who do comment. I’m so grateful to you guys for writing things that were in my head that I didn’t have words for until I read them here, and for so consistently putting new and interesting things out that I hadn’t ever experienced or thought about before.

    Thank you for all that stuff. Also the being very very funny.

  186. onefinemess +4

    All good things come to an end? This will be the 3rd internet “thing” that I mourn. Miss you guys and wish the best of lives for all!

  187. Jennifer +5

    Help! I know there’s an online community for Toast refugees. How do I join? I do not have the emotional fortitude to wade through all the comments.

    Thanks to all of you lovely commentators and our Mallory, Nicole, and Nikki.

    This has ended much more civilly than Fametracker or TWOP did.

    1. iiiiimnotsorryy +3

      There is a subreddit, r/toastcrumbs, and you can find us on Twitter with the hashtag #toastietwitter! Somewhere there is a beautiful Google doc spreadsheet with everybody’s social media info but I have misplaced the link.

    2. Toft +3

      There’s also the Toast Slack, which is very active all the time, and which you can get invited to by emailing ppyajunebug at gmail dot com!

  188. smiavs +6

    The love is mutual, but I’m not leaving. You may not be here, but I’ll be lurking in the archives and quietly weeping indefinitely.

  191. godzillas_pizza +3

    NO
    WON’T
    i love you, i love you all
    Thank you so much, Mallory!
    Thank you, everyone!

    I’M NOT CRYING
    YOU’RE CRYING

  197. LackStratagem +24

    The rain would never fall till after sundown
    By nine the morning fog would disappear
    In short there just was not
    A more congenial spot
    For happily misandrying than here
    In Toastalot.

    Fair winds and following seas and long may your big jib draw, Mallory!
    To the sea!

  199. titibloom +23

    You know, I gotta say… there are very few writers on the Internets, I find, that really seem brave enough to be themselves, really and truly themselves, and tell it like it is for a change. In lots of places, most people can’t, which is a horrible situation on its own. And even when they have the freedom to do so, many writers just choose not to (for various reasons). You — Mallory, Nicole, Nikki, and all other fabulous contributors — have always show such courage when pursuing your dreams and providing us with such awesome, funny, thought-provoking work. And on behalf of most of the Internet commentariat, I’d say there are worse ways to go than in a blaze of glory.

    To all of you, I say — you have nothing to prove anymore. Enjoy it.

  200. Bill +7

    Love and beat wishes. You meant so much to so many, best of luck to you all. And you, commenters, thank you for your companionship and snark. Best to you all.

  201. Glen H +10

    HA! Think you can get rid of us that easily?
    Seriously I’m going to miss the Toast and the Toasties, it was a great ride while it lasted….

  202. Margaret +10

    You’re so not getting rid of me that easily just yet. I just recently discovered y’all and have 3 years of back articles to read. Please please please please leave old material up!!

  204. amoamare +7

    These aren’t tears, my eyeballs are sweaty. No, you’re gross! storms out

  205. Genevieve +5

    I have about 20 tabs open on my laptop – 1/4 Toast archives, 1/4 Toast last days articles, 1/4 awesome articles elsewhere about how amazing the Toast is, including links to previous articles, 1/8 twitter (my regular twitter, and #ToastWake, and #ToastieTwitter) , and 1/8 non-Toast-related junk.

    I don’t foresee this changing much this weekend.

  208. therollingd20s +78

    I’m the Queen of Procrastination and meant to make this ages ago- i’m not quite sure where to share it-but it sums up my feelings. Thank you for giving us all such a beautiful thing. I look forward to sailing into the West with all of you! *Credit to all the great artists that I cobbled this together from*

    1. bookwormV +7

      That’s beautiful! (except for the inclusion of The Velveteen Rabbit Made Horrific, which is not something I want to be reminded of.)

      1. therollingd20s +8

        Thank you! All of the Children’s Stories Made Horrific will stay with me…ALWAYS…no matter how much i want to forget (haha- but i do shudder when i think of Winnie the Pooh).

        It would be a cruel prank if the ladies took them down from the archives and we all had these twisted versions of these children’s stories that we remember but no evidence to support it 🙂

  209. EffectiveNancy +32

    *Stands at the bow, facing into the wind, having taken to the sea, and inhales deeply*

    Me: I’m king of the–

    *Mallory materializes and slaps me*

    Me: Yep, that’s how the end of The Toast feels, you got it exactly.

    1. annabel +7

      Oh, that is my favorite Lyle Lovett song ever and I have not heard it in so long and now I am just a puddle again. All of us on our ponies, on our boats, taking to the sea.

      I wonder how many times a comment has just been MALLORY

  212. PettyVengeanceFetish +9

    This website couldn’t have ended any other way. Thank you for everything.

  213. Ana +7

    Mallory, you were how I discovered The Toast, and your humour and style and everything was what made this place special to me. I’m so happy that you found your voice, and that you chose to share it here with all of us. Your writing speaks the deepest truths about me, and about so many others, in a way that’s light and hilarious and beautiful and real and powerful and full of hope all of once.

    I’m still devastated and incredulous that it was over so fast, but I’m so happy for you as well. Have fun sleeping and not writing anything for like an entire month.

    *hugs* *loves so, so much*

  214. Ana +10

    /lets out the breath she’s been holding, now that the piece she was waiting for is finally up

    Yeah. This is how it should end, isn’t it.

    Mallory, you were how I discovered The Toast, and your humour and style and everything was what made this place special to me. I’m so happy that you found your voice, and that you chose to share it here with all of us. Your writing speaks the deepest truths about me, and about so many others, in a way that’s light and hilarious and beautiful and real and powerful and full of hope all of once. You make me want to find my own voice, and carve out my own slice of the world to say it in. You make me want to be brave, that it’s possible to make a space that’s loving and funny and intelligent and caring, and that this is something that I can do. I have plans, Mallory, and a vision for the future – something I couldn’t have seen without your brilliance lighting the way.

    I cannot thank you enough. You have a follower for life in me.

    /bows head, gets down on bended knee
    /does not look up until the echoes of footsteps recede and the light, finally, fades away
    /stands, turns away, and gets to work

  215. Emily +13

    Could you guys do a post saying where each of the writers are going to be working now that The Toast has ended? We want to make sure we can still support all your amazing work!

  216. bignorseblog +15

    I have been out there on the oceans. The foes proved unwilling, even indifferent to my carefully crafted taunts, and the sea room was surprisingly cramped. (Also there were zero clueless monks, dick ribbons or DGAF renaissance ladies. ) Shan’t, shan’t, shanties.

  217. Norsey

    I have been out there on the oceans. The foes proved unwilling, even indifferent to my carefully crafted taunts, and the sea room was surprisingly cramped. (Also there were zero clueless monks, dick ribbons or DGAF renaissance ladies. ) Shan't, shan't, shanties.

  218. hnayfeld +24

    I am planning in staying right here until the last server running The Toast crumbles into dust.

  219. ravrav +4

    I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS WONDERFUL WEBSITE ONLY to learn that it is being abandoned :'( Please don’t! I love your content to bits and your articles never fail to tickle my most cynical funny bone. Please continue. The toast must go on 🙁 Majortoastwithdrawals.

  220. Bob K +7

    Thank you all – editors, contributors, commenters – for creating for a short time a truly warm and humane place on the Internet.

    I’ve read The Toast daily for a couple of years, even ventured a few comments, but don’t think I really appreciated how extraordinary it has been until now, reading these last posts with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

    Thank you all.

  221. damanoid +66

    ..And so, at long last, The Toast came to an end. The great halls and palaces stood silent and deserted, the ballrooms empty save for a thin sprinkling of diamond dust, the harbors and quays abandoned. Only far out on the horizon, grey sails like birds’ wings rode the wind to distant shores. All the people had taken to the Sea.

    Then suddenly a fire burst forth from the mountain, and The Toast was scorched; and there came a mighty wind and a great tumult of the earth. A great wave rose up above the hills, green and cold and plumed with foam, and the land slid, and The Toast went down into the Sea, with all its towers and its gardens; and all its beauty and its riches, and all its monks’ cells and its owls’ nests; they vanished for ever.

    But far away, out on the Sea, the people wept for their loss, and clung to each other; and in doing so they were comforted, and soon enough they were talking and laughing together. And the ships sailed on.

    And what happened next? Well! They had many, many wonderful adventures. But that… is another story.

    (GAZES WISELY OVER RIMS OF SPECTACLES, CLOSES HUGE IRON-CLASPED LEATHER BOOK)

  222. heyingridhei +36

    I’m not crying, I just have the end of an amazing site full of brilliant women in my eye.

  225. Halloween Jack

    "Karen, the invariably cheery yet socially awkward T. Rex, was the plan’s wild card."

  228. Matt +4

    Mallory your writing has been an absolute treasure to partake of, a mental treat. You are both poignant and humorous, and a lot of other positive and descriptive adjectives that fully covers the breadth of your genious. I dont have all the words so I’ll let you fill it on. You are the writer after all. I hope you keep doing what you’re doing, because you are doing it well.

  230. OoTheHumanities +28

    I SHOUT INTO THE VOID!

    …echoes, dust, ghosts…

    One very last thank you. Thank you, Mallory. Thank you, Toast. You live on in me forever.