Lord Byron’s “Fare Thee Well,” or “I Just Think It’s Funny How” -The Toast

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[The original.]

Oh, well, A of all, fuck you, then,
and honestly, I don’t have anything else to say about it.
I honestly don’t.
I just think it’s funny??? how –
No, you know what, I honestly don’t have anything else to say about it.
I honestly don’t.
Even if you do, I’m just, you know, ZIP, the high road.

(By the way, there is a quote from Coleridge that just,
PERFECTLY describes our situation, and like, YOUR WHOLE DEAL,
but why bother!! WHY BOTHER, EVEN. If you’re not going to listen to me
you’re certainly not going to listen to Coleridge.
WHICH IS FUNNY, because it seems like you LOVE listening to people
listening to other people and all the shit they have to say about me.
But whatever! It’s not important, it’s really not important
to get you to listen to me or Coleridge. WHY START NOW, right??)

How someone who spent so much time
resting their head against my chest
could end up caring SO LITTLE about my heart.
Like, for someone who spent a lot (like A LOT?)
of time basically two inches away from my heartbeat,
it’s kind of amazing how much you missed about it!
It’s kind of funny, if you think about it, and I do,
pretty much all the time!

I mean, it’s fine, obviously,
you don’t have to treat me right,
no one is going to come arrest you for it.
You might find a time when, like, life stops being so EASY for you
and you kind of wish that you weren’t a heartless bitch
(or whatever!!! I don’t know your life)
I don’t know, maybe someday you’ll get sick of being praised
and you’ll be like, oh my God, you know who had amazing arms,
was Lord Byron. That would be a shame,
if that happened, is all that I’m saying.
I’m not saying it’s going to happen.
By the way, I’m moving, so in case anything
gets delivered to the house for me, if I’m not there,
that’s why. I’m just telling you this in case some of my mail
shows up and you need to know what to do with it.
I don’t know where I’m going to be staying yet.
Probably – honestly, I don’t even know, it’s impossible to guess.
If you need to forward me my mail, just know that I’m super far away
and you should probably ask one of my friends –
one of my many friends –
one of my very many super loyal friends, lots of whom live nearby,
because I’m a VERY good friend and they all know what’s going on with me –
anyhow you can just ask one of them where to forward my mail,
if I get any mail at your house,
which used to be our house but isn’t now,
because I’m sure I’ll know where I’m staying by then and I’ll
definitely be sure to have told one of them by then.
So just ask around.

By the way, and as long as we’re on the subject,
you should know that I’m not even mad at you,
even after all the shit you’ve done to me that I’m not going to bother to go into detail over right now because you know it and I know it and we are both super clear on the specifics of the shit you pulled, so I don’t even have to mention it.
I honestly don’t have time to go into it all right now.
But you should just know, like for the record,
that I actually still love you,
like a lot, like a really incredible amount,
in a way that says more about the kind of person I am
than the kind of person you are
if you know what I mean.

Augh, this is already way more than I even wanted to SAY,
I’m honestly leaving in what is basically the MORNING,
and it’s crazy late already, so pretty much now
and it’s not like you ever listen to me anyway so I’m basically
just wasting time I should be spending packing for my amazing new life
in Greece
or like, wherever I happen to end up
who’s to say
whether it’s Greece or some other country
(I just hope you KNOW that if I end up dating a guy after this it has NOTHING to do with you?? like it is not a STATEMENT on you, please do not read anything into what I do with my life after this, if you happen to see a full-length oil portrait of me and I’m still wearing the earrings I stole from you it’s not because I’m trying to SAY anything so don’t overthink this, okay??)

ANYHOW please feel free to consider us pretty much divorced.
(I know I do!!! ahahhaa)
And I don’t know if you’ve read this but like
statistically, I mean according to studies, like actual studies,
divorce is a bigger stressor than being widowed even,
so in a weird way this kind of brings us closer together,
in the sense that things are going to get way harder for both of us
I’m going to call myself a widower, you can feel free to do the same
if you wanted my permission or anything.
Like, I am in MOURNING for you.

Oh, by the way, feel super free not to even teach our daughter my name.
It would save time, right? And that’s all I want for you, is just for you to
have a lot of time on your hands, to really THINK.
About whatever it is that you might need to think about,
anything that your conscience might suggest to you.
I’m not bothered either way, I’m honestly not.
I mean, she might GUESS my name, and if she ends up looking like me
(which, just objectively, I think we can both agree would be great for her,
leaving aside all the shit that’s gone down between you and me
over the last year. It would be great. For her. To look like me)
if she ends up looking like me people will probably say something about it to her
so she’s going to end up learning my name eventually
I’m not trying to rub anything in, it’s just that objectively,
MOST people know my name, and what I look like, idk if that qualifies as “famous,” just –
most people know about my whole deal, and they’re probably going to put
two and two together, so even if you don’t teach her my name,
SOMEbody will, and that’s not my fault.

If she does end up like me I hope you are a little nicer to her than you were to me
but that’s not my business!!!!
N O N E of this is my business at alllll, which should be just such a relief to you!!!
or who knows,
who honestly knows what you consider a relief!

Anyhow, I just wish you the absolute BEST.
I hope SO MANY good things for you, and that
your next boyfriend can figure out how to make you happy,
if that’s possible, I sure hope that’s possible,
and there’s no point in talking about any of the other things I could say,
so I won’t.
Consider it my last gift to you!
(I’ve given you a lot of gifts, you probably forgot)

Anyhow I’ll probably be dead soon,
or at least I can’t imagine hurting worse than this!
Okay bye, hope you’re happpyyyyy

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