The World If Caber-Tossing Had Been the Scottish Sport That Made It Big -The Toast

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Business Jargon:

“He really came in at 12:00 on that pitch meeting.”

“Craig, you let the bottom end fall towards you on this one.”

“Oh, he’ll toss it if someone else carries it.”

“Jane has a 87% mindset and a 63% track record.”

Country Club Culture:

Women, Jews, and people of color are permitted to play, but must first engage in a ceremonial foot-stomping from an actual ginger-from-birth Scotsman. The dress code mandates steel-toed boots and visor-less hats, in addition to kilts (sedate tartans preferred, unless patrilineal descent from a clan with a more showy tartan can be documented.) Traditionally, no one may assist the player in handling the caber in competition, but high net worth individuals may choose to have their own caber brought to the grounds in a bespoke 20ft long caber bag, carried by a manservant. Needless to say, airlines have dedicated oversized baggage areas for those who travel with their cabers. Cabers stained clear or a dark walnut are popular, cabers painted in pastels are considered acceptable for women, cabers in bright colors are permitted only on public grounds. All drinks served with miniature log swizzle sticks. Caddies extensively trained in first-aid techniques, with a focus on blunt force trauma and splinter removal. Jewish country club weddings held under chuppahs made from cabers. Dangerous WASP weddings held under an honor guard of male relatives balancing cabers over the aisle.


Caber paperweights. Monogrammed sleeveless caber-tossing shirts and knee socks. Cabers with inspirational slogans: “You have to toss a few on your foot before you get to the Highland Games.” Chess boards populated with carved versions of modern-day caber-tossing greats: Rampage Jackson, Randy Couture, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

Restoration Hardware:

A service which will repurpose your old caber into thousands of drink coasters or a series of uncomfortable bar stools. Cabers made from reclaimed railroad ties. Cabers made from sustainable forests.


Those who receive sponsorship from deodorant companies and breakfast cereals toss cabers emblazoned with brand names, and are prevented from chalking their hands. Female caber tossers compete in their own classes, except for Brienne of Tarth (for none would speak against her), and are cult figures in the queer community. Periodic debates are held over the question of eliminating caber weight discrepancies between men and women, and generally end in violence.

Bumper Stickers:

Caber Tossers Keep It Up
I Tossed the Caber at Dunoon
I Brake For Stray Logs

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