Humor The World If Caber-Tossing Had Been the Scottish Sport That Made It Big
Business Jargon:"He really came in at 12:00 on that pitch meeting.""Craig, you let the bottom end fall towards you on this one.""Oh, he'll toss it if someone else carries it.""Jane has a 87% mindset and a 63% track record."Country Club Culture:Women, Jews, and people of color are permitted to play, but must first engage in a ceremonial foot-stomping from an actual ginger-from-birth Scotsman. The dress code mandates steel-toed boots and visor-less hats, in addition to kilts (sedate tartans preferred, unless patrilineal descent from a clan with a more showy tartan can be documented.) Traditionally, no one may assist the player in handling the caber in competition, but high net worth individuals may choose to have their own caber brought to the grounds in a bespoke 20ft long caber bag, carried by a manservant. Needless to say, airlines have dedicated oversized baggage areas for those who travel with their cabers. Cabers stained clear or a dark walnut are popular, cabers painted in pastels are considered acceptable for women, cabers in bright colors are permitted only on public grounds. All drinks served with miniature log swizzle sticks. Caddies extensively trained in first-aid techniques, with a focus on blunt force trauma and splinter removal. Jewish country club weddings held under chuppahs made from cabers. Dangerous WASP weddings held under an honor guard of male relatives balancing cabers over the aisle.SkyMall:Caber paperweights. Monogrammed sleeveless caber-tossing shirts and knee socks. Cabers with inspirational slogans: "You have to toss a few on your foot before you get to the Highland Games."
