Previous installments of “Feel the Burn” can be found here. Most recently, we talked about when you are not exercising and also a special bonus post about vaginas.
I don’t really like piling onto things that are universally despised, but I think this one is pretty relevant to our interests at “Feel the Burn,” and also a little more complex than just “oh, my God, why are you being such a colossal wang to your fellow humans?”
Pictured is Maria Kang, who posted this picture to her Facebook page. Shockingly, people did not respond SUPER WELL to it, which could never have been anticipated, and she has now weighed in to inform us she does not have a nanny and does have a job and used to be bulimic and only works out for half an hour a day (“intensely”) and just chose not to use her pregnancies as a time to gorge herself on ice cream, etc. etc.
Which, again, FINE, right, like, you do you? You’re up in the gym, just workin’ on your fitness, and Facebook is your witness. Me too! Sometimes I like to flex in the mirror and say “I’d fuck me” in a husky voice. The world is strange. I am not always the feminist I would like to be.
But one of the reasons Ms. Kang had to update her post to explain her lack of nanny and possession of a job and scaled-back fitness regimen is…DING DING DING…we don’t know her life, so we made…assumptions. Those assumptions made her sad/angry/feel misunderstood.
As Calamity Jane once said: “Join the fuckin’ club of most of us.”
Let’s work through a few obvious, or not-so-obvious things that occurred to me while I read literally every comment on Kang’s post. Two big ones, and then two smaller ones.
1. If she had been holding her PhD diploma, instead of just having a conventionally attractive body, people would have said ‘um, my excuse is that I didn’t want to go to grad school, so it wasn’t important to me?‘ and that would have been totally valid, but we as a society think that having a societally-approved “attractive” body is a goal for all women.
There are people who do not care about the appearance of their body, full-stop.
There are people who find different kinds of bodies attractive.
There are people who, in a vacuum, would like to have a body that looks like Maria Kang’s, but do not care enough about that to make it the focus of their lives.
This leads us to…
2. There are people for whom having a body like Maria Kang’s IS a goal, but not necessarily an attainable one.
(I am deliberately not phrasing this part as “there are LOTS of excuses,” because literally no one in the world needs to excuse themselves for having a body which is different from the body of another human being. There’s nothing wrong with the impulse to chime in with “cancer!” “split shifts!” “ailing mother!” “breastfeeding!” “food desert!” when you see an ignorant-ass meme like this, but in some ways, that only gives credence to the ridiculous premise.)
Hey, I want to make this part super clear: there is this HUGE THING in our culture where people who, by expending a fair amount of effort via food and exercise, can and do adjust their body’s natural weight by 10-15%, and think that this makes them an expert on fatness. That is not the case. I have no interest in getting into a huge conversation about the complex reasons that people are or are not fat, or why people are fatter now than Once They Were in crowd footage from the 1930s, I will just say that I can guarantee you that Maria Kang’s body is not one that everyone could magically have by showing up unannounced at Maria Kang’s house and saying “Maria, I’m here to eat what you eat and do what you do, and I’ll be here until we can pose like twins in that cute little outfit.”
Obviously there are people who have lost and kept off enormous amounts of weight. I am not going to deny their existence. I am also not going to deny the existence of people who are very fat, yet eat 1500 calories a day and also work out “intensely.” I do not know why people refuse to believe such people exist, yet will happily talk about their friend who eats pizza 24/7 and weighs less than Kristin Chenoweth and isn’t that wild?
While we’re on the topic, you can be SUPER-DUPER FIT, and not look anything like this at all. I mean, start Googling female weightlifters and Crossfitters and you’ll see a beautiful rainbow of strong, healthy bodies that may not also look like fitness models. Being a fitness model is a distinct look. That’s cool! Again, I think Maria Kang looks pretty freaking baller, and appears to be very fit. But there are plenty of mega-fit women who look like they could literally eat Maria Kang for lunch. That is why, here at “Feel the Burn,” we talk so much about behaviors, and not appearances or weight.
People have different bodies. To get horsey on you, a Quarter Horse is never going to have the ass of an Arabian, it doesn’t matter what you don’t feed it. To get feminist-y on you, it doesn’t matter. To get nihilistic-y on you, we will all be embraced by the grave and decay into the earth anyway.
3. If she had been actually engaging in exercise in this picture, it would have been a little better.
This is not a picture about being strong or fit. This is a picture about looking a particular way. I think she looks pretty great. I’m not gonna bodysnark on her and say she’s too skinny, or has man-abs, which I’ve seen in the Facebook comments. That’s not the point. But this picture is about being PRETTY. She’s not lifting a weight. She’s not posting a better time on her half-marathon. If you distill your message down to your body, that’s what people are going to take away from it. Not health. Being fuckable in a lad-mag sense of being fuckable. Trust: there are plenty of fat women who have never slept alone in their LIVES unless they felt like it.
4. If she said “Moms, I know where you’re coming from!” instead of “what’s your excuse?”, it would have been a little better.
Being fit is great. If it’s your goal, it can be a real source of pleasure and satisfaction in your life. When you have small children, it’s easy to feel like your body doesn’t belong to you, because it’s being pawed and gnawed on and grabbed constantly by third parties. I felt like a literal cow for about six months, which had nothing to do with my weight, it had to do with standing or sitting in one place while someone or a device tried to extract milk from me. I was eating, or sleeping, or being woken up from sleep, or producing milk 24/7. Being able to carve out time to work out (which is a privilege, GOD KNOWS) was incredible for my sense of self and physical and mental well-being. I love it, I love my body more in my thirties than I ever have before in my life, and I love sharing the gospel of working out with other women who express some interest in hearing about it.
You really don’t have to feel like a bad person because you like exercising, or because you think about your nutrition a lot. Just don’t be a colossal wang about it.
That’s pretty much all I wanted to say about that. I hope you have a lovely day.
Tags: bags of meat, facebook, feel the burn, fitness, insensitivity, maria kang
I am glad someone went through and read all those comments. I probably would have ended up in a blind rage. And not at any particular side- I think both the “love your body, no matter what’ crowd and the “you can totally be skinny and awesome if you only work at it” crowd are often equally insufferable. I fall into neither category. I sometimes look in the mirror and think, “damn, you lookin’ good today.” And other times I feel like a fat cow. And sometimes I feel like going for a run will make feel like less of a cow. And other times? Not so much.
I’m with you about both of those crowds being insufferable. Probably because both of those crowds seem to ignore the fact that people have complex feelings when it comes to body image and weight, and seem to think that “don’t think about it at all, you’re fine how you are!” and “you have to think hard about it all the time” are somehow okay, when the truth is somewhere in the middle. People’s minds are complicated, messy places, especially considering the accursed societal mental nonsense perpetuated by fitness and fashion media, and watering it down into two equally simple extreme answers helps no one.
[Insert deity/spiritual higher power here] bless you, Nicole. Thank you for this.
Nicole, I love you.
I also love that horse analogy. Some of us are Quarter Horses and some of us are Thoroughbreds and some of us are Clydesdales, and there’s no reason for a draft horse to feel bad that it can’t win the Kentucky Derby.
If we were all Arabians, and none of us were Clydesdales, WHO WOULD DELIVER MY BEER? I think about the important questions. 😉
An Arabian would bring you one of those beer cocktails with the lambic at the bottom and the summer wheat beer on top. A QH would give you a sixer of something marketed as craft but not actually microbrewed. An Irish cob could pour you the perfect Guinness; a Vanner would just pass you a can. A Clydesdale would drag in a keg of domestic non-lite; a Belgian would do the same with an import. Let a thousand flowers bloom.
A TB would go get you a beer but would get distracted and probably not come back. Morgan would say fuck it and bring you a shot instead.
And you can ask a pony to get you whatever’s on draft, but what you’ll get is a mug of O’Doul’s. Little bastards.
I have done nothing but stare at this gif for 5 full minutes now, and I forgot what the article was about. Bless.
I prefer to think of myself as a Chincoteague pony. Small and compact, a bit wild, but with quite lovely hair.
Can we just name the types of horses we would be? I’m probably an American Saddlebred. Kind of fancy/snooty, but is completely suited for manual labor if pressed. I also live in the saddlebred capital of the world, so there’s that.
I would be Kate Beaton’s Fat Pony. (which is getting its own children’s book, aaaaaah)
FAT PONY IS GETTING A CHILDREN’S BOOK?!?!?! ::expires from joy::
IT SURE IS.
YEEEESSSSSS. 😀 😀 😀
ERMAGERD!
I really want a fat pony tattoo. It’s on the list of Tattoos I Will Get Someday.
I’d be a Clyde for sure. Leggy and STRONG
Not sure exactly what type of horse, but I’d for sure be the one that doesn’t want to do what it’s told on the group ride and instead is just like “Dude. There’s snacks everywhere, can we just take a break for a minute and enjoy that?”
Not sure exactly what kind of horse, but I’d definitely be the one that refuses to participate in the group ride and is instead all about the snacks.
Maybe an Icelandic? Thinks it’s a horse, but is really a pony.
Finally made an account to combat glitchy posting.
I will be an Icelandic pony too. Short and hairy, but cute!
Shetland pony, without doubt. Short and hardy.
I have already told my friends I’m a mule. I have no speed or grace and I’m kind of a bitch, but I can plod across whatever kind of godforsaken ground you put me on with heavy weights on my back and I can do that all day. Surprisingly, that turns out to be a useful trait for my career.
Also, assuming my IUD does its job, I am sterile.
I would be a Halfinger!
I would be pretty damned proud to be a Clydesdale, those horses are gorgeous.
They were my grandpa’s favorites. And they are pretty badass and beautiful. But I don’t think you’ll see one competing in a show jumping competition anytime soon, and that’s okay!
Haha I just imagine the Clydesdale attitude toward that is probably “fuck your horse pageant” anyway.
Amen.
If this were about “fitness”, she would be posting sepia Instagrams of her bloodwork printouts and EKGs.
One of my favorite things about Sarah Robles, aka an US Olympian in Weightlifting, is that she put together this post that did just that as a “fuck you, haters.”
“People have different bodies. To get horsey on you, a Quarter Horse is never going to have the ass of an Arabian, it doesn’t matter what you don’t feed it. To get feminist-y on you, it doesn’t matter. To get nihilistic-y on you, we will all be embraced by the grave and decay into the earth anyway.”
I’m just going to read this over and over. Perfect.
I concur. This is my favourite thing I have read on The Toast to date.
My interpretation of the photo was more “your husband deserves a HOT mother to his children/gotta keep him interested/popping out babies is not enough” than “look at me being fit because this is what I want to look like”.
This is only peripherally related, but sharing, as they say, is caring: In my sport-of-choice, there are lots of awesome, extremely jacked, super-strong ladies, which I love (I am also fond of the super-jacked men, but for different reasons), but I also love that there are tons of men and women there who look pretty unassuming–not visibly muscular, average-to-large physiques–and rock that shit out.
Nicole, I think you hit it on the head with #4. If that picture had featured a different caption, I wouldn’t have the negative reaction I’ve had every time I’ve seen it on Facebook. There are plenty of *reasons* (not excuses) why a mom wouldn’t look like Kang, and they are all valid. “What’s your excuse?” is just designed to make the viewer feel like crap because said viewer doesn’t look like Kang, whether or not that’s even possible.
I mean, just because the patriarchy WANTS women to be in constant competition with each other doesn’t mean we actually have to do it.
My instant visceral response to that was “my excuse is fuck you,” which is probably not a productive feeling. But I think a natural one.
All of this is wonderful, and articulates all of my jumbled thoughts when I saw that picture so much better than I ever could.
What I most loved, however, was that you addressed how fitness after giving birth. I love running, not because I’m fast or anything, just because I like to move and to be alone with my thoughts/imagine various revenge scenarios in which my hair looks like Tami Taylor’s. I’ve managed to carve out time to do it several days a week, but I worry a lot about making time for it when I actually have kids and responsibilities other than my dog and school. Before we got married, I actually made my husband promise me that he would always make sure I would have time to run after we had kids, especially in the postpartum period. And it’s not even about weight loss or staying fit, I just don’t feel like myself when I don’t run, and I am so scared of losing that brain-body connection. So yeah, I liked this a lot.
Yup, I’m pretty worried about having time to lift weights three times a week and run a couple times a week like my husband and I do now once our kiddo is born in April. I’m still lifting and running now (15 weeks pregnant) but what about once the baby is here?
Oh my gosh, I never tried imagining revenge scenarios in which my hair looks like Tami Taylor’s, but that’s probably what my life has been missing and possibly why I haven’t enjoyed running up to this point?
I have a ten month old, and it took a fair amount of time, but I did get back to doing pilates once a week and I love it. I don’t do it to lose weight or “get my body back” (BLERGH THAT PHRASE) but mostly because I feel like my body is my own and I get to feel powerful and strong again and I also get to stop at the nearby coffee shop afterward for a breakfast sandwich. You find a way to make it work if it’s something you want.
TL;DR: you’ll be totally fine, and I’m also glad Nicole talked about fitness after having a baby.
I told Anachronistique once that I want to get a crop top and a tutu then walk up to people like Ms. Kang yelling, “Booga booga!” while shaking my belly at them. She googled “fat acceptance fairy” and found this and life was briefly perfect.
ONE OF THE PROUDEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE TBH
“That is why, here at “Feel the Burn,” we talk so much about behaviors, and not appearances or weight. ”
Which is what makes “Feel the Burn” so awesome.
I’ve been doing acrobatic pole dance for about a year and a half, and I love how many different bodies I dance with (no really, VERY different body types) and how they all have their strengths. I will NEVER be able to shake it like some of these ladies, and I’m not nearly strong enough to pull myself into crazy inversions like some other ladies. But we all hang out in almost no clothing and cheer each other on and it’s AWESOME. I wish I could <copy-paste> that vibe into the rest of the world.
Fellow pole lady here and yup, it’s incredible to see just how many women with all different kinds of bodies are able to do some incredible, beautiful, flat-out crazy things on those poles, and we’re all half-naked and excited for each other and it totally, totally rules. The pole studio I go to is easily the most body-positive, woman-positive place I’ve ever been, and like you if I could drag that feeling with me everywhere I go in the world, I would in a heartbeat.
I think if she had posted this on a different platform such as some sort of thinspiration pinterest board, then she would have been met with people who are inspired in the same way she is inspired ie by a certain image and some sort of ‘motivational’ phrase, but as her photo went to a much wider audience any of that context was removed.
I really dont think she was bullying anyone as some of the comments suggested, however hers was a really specific message that should have only gone to the people who share that ethos.
Just to add:
My favourite part of Feel the Burn is how it embraces all body types because all body types are great and theres not enough internet stuff out there celebrating them.
That’s a valid point, there are definitely people out there who like this kind of negative motivation. If that works for you, great. But you know, I think if the focus wasn’t just on her body, I would feel differently about this. If she was jogging with all three kids in a stroller or something, it would change the message to actually be about fitness instead of just how she looks.
I’m having really tough body image issues right now and it’s not pics of other people, it’s pics of me that is the problem. I work out every day (except 1 day weekly, and then I feel guilty). I can run 5 miles. I play roller derby and can kick so much ass it’s a little embarrassing for some people to be on the receiving end of that ass kicking.
I’m also overweight. I’m carrying a shit ton of muscle, but there’s fat on top of it, no doubt. And because of derby, there are a lot of pics of me out there. My stomach looks horrifying. My face occasionally looks like that pic of Beyonce from the Super Bowl (you know the one). And all those pics show me doing something I love, and looking like something I am ashamed of. It’s a tough balance.
That juxtaposition–between how something makes you feel (GODDESS OF FIRE), and how it makes you look (NOOO WHYYY)–can be so wrenching. You sound awesome, and I’m pretty sure that in your derby photos you look like a baller.
You know even Beyonce hates those Superbowl pics, but everyone thinks shes a badass.
So even if your photos make you feel weird, Im sure everyone (including the people whos asses you just kicked) is in awe.
I think that the beyface is perfect for for roller derby! I think you are most likely a BAMF.
I think you’re amazing and I’m a little scared of how much of my ass you could kick, just from this description.
So even though it’s not as easy as just following the orders of some random internet stranger, do this: STOP feeling guilty about your exercise day off, and STOP being ashamed of how you look while derbying. I promise, as a not-even-close-to-capable-of-derbying person, that we’re all looking at people who can do it, and thinking daaaaaaamn, she’s awesome! Jealous!
Derby derby derby! I am still a beginner, but I love bout photos, because whatever face people are making, they all look fast and strong and AWESOME. And I’m sure you do too.
I am actually retiring at the end of this season, and I am sure that is contributing in part to my issues here. I expected more, you know? I expected more change by this time, after committing 3 1/2 years to this like it was my job (and it really was like a part time job, at least 20 hours a week).
I wish you all the best in your derby career- it’s so awesome! Don’t ever let the drama get you down.
I really want to hug you for this comment, and not in some bullshit ocndescending, “Oh honey, just love you for YOU!” kind of way, but because it hits home so hard for me right now. I’m not nearly as badass as you are (or at least not in the same way), but I’d been doing spin class 3x a week for 6 months and had zero change to my body. NO weight drop, no clothes fitting better, no nothing. I felt insanely depressed about it (“I’m spending all this money on classes and they’re worthless.” and “Clearly I’m Doing It Wrong and I’m going to be chubby forever.”) and stopped going practically entirely.
My fitness studio (god that sounds pretentious) just started offering Total Barre, so on a whim I signed up. And I like it, even though it’s hard, so I signed up for more classes. Now I’m signed up for 2 barre classes a week and I’m going to go back to spin class 3 days a week. I’m trying really hard to be upbeat and positive about this. I have no kids yet, I have the time in the morning, and even if this doesn’t change my body then it’s going to at least help my health out some, since some movement is better than no movement.
I hope I can stick with it, because right now all I see in the mirror is someone who used to be skinny who is now fat, and all I try to do to shake that hasn’t worked yet. So I have no words of wisdom for you, but I’ll totally high five you in solidarity for Continuing To Do Something We Like Anyway.
Let’s high five then, because I am convinced that the most depressing thing is when you work really hard at something and see absolutely NO CHANGE AT ALL WHATSOEVER. You keep going. I will too. <3
http://www.giveforward.com/blog/wp-content/upload…
I love the virtual high five!!
It’s hard to look pretty when you’re kicking so much ass.
Oh, I thought the “What’s Your Excuse?” caption was related to having three kids in the span of three years. My bad.
Ha, I didn’t see the text at first and was trying to figure out why people were mad at her. “Well I guess WHO does warn against spacing your children too closely…”
“I even had an orgasm during all three labors. What’s your excuse?!”
Global warming!
Also, my uterus fell out after my 2nd one. (not that I ever intended on a 3rd) Whatevs!
Everything is perfect, but THIS ESPECIALLY:
There are people who, in a vacuum, would like to have a body that looks like Maria Kang’s, but do not care enough about that to make it the focus of their lives.
Like, seriously, priorities, world. They vary from person to person! People can be so judgmental about how individuals assign value to things.
I’m not really an Exercise person, nor am I a Kid person (re yesterday’s post), but I appreciate The Toast’s coverage of both topics because it’s refreshing to hear them discussed reasonably and by not-horrible people, especially when stuff like this is out there blowing up on social media.
I was hoping The Toast would be the last place I’d have to read about this twit.
Ugh, I know what you mean. How many times have I told the publisher that he needs to stop forcing people to click on links?! Nick, this contract you make us sign in blood, requiring mandatory reading of every article on the site, is really taking things a step too far. I don’t know what kind of Clockwork Orange-esque computer magic you use to make us physically unable to look away from our screens, but it’s really a bit much.
What I am taking from your comment: Nicole is a sorceress, and has much magic. MAAAAAGIIIIICCCC…
I get what you’re saying, but I was hoping The Toast would be the one place I could go and not have to read about workouts, etc…Even though this isn’t about workouts, it’s on every other website and everyone has the same opinion that this woman sucks, yadda yadda yadda. I like the body-positive message Nicole is trying to send here and with the other workout pieces, but it’s not new information that I can’t find anywhere else and it still makes me feel bad about myself. I just wish there was a woman’s website out there that didn’t feel like they HAD to talk about working out (even if it’s body positive). I’d just rather not have working out, nutrition, etc…thrown in my face no matter where I go on the internet.
But, you’re right, that’s my problem and my own issues, not The Toast’s and I don’t have to read it.
Oh well dammit, now I have to stop being a smartass and actually reply, because that’s a completely valid point. For what it’s worth, I have found it incredibly hard to find people on the internet talking about working out from an “all bodies are valid bodies” sort of standpoint, so I do think there is something unique and elevating in the way Nicole discusses this stuff. But also, there are weeks when I can’t deal with reading about/thinking about working out either, and I either just don’t read the post or skip The Toast entirely that day. It’s incredibly hard to separate “here’s what i’m doing and you could do it too, if you wanted” from “you are a bad person if you don’t do these things”, especially when the dominant culture is shoving the latter down all of our collective throats. But this column in general and this piece specifically work really hard at stating that working out/dieting/attempting to conform isn’t something everyone can do or has to do, and also isn’t something that works for everyone. To see that acknowledged means a ton to me – which is why I jumped on you a bit in my first comment.
I totally understand where you’re coming from. You take care of yourself and what you need to read and not read, and if you have weeks where you feel like you want to drop into this feature, great, and if not, we promise there will always be posts about slashfic and miniature horses.
Thank you for all this! I’m making fitness a goal in my life (pole acrobatics, yoga, eating well because fiance was on a diet and all of a sudden I learned what a serving of pasta looked like), but it’s not, nor will it ever be THE GOAL. I realize that means I will most likely never be as strong as the pole instructors I look up to, but that’s ok because their lives involve being at the studio all day long, and that’s not the life I want. I’m learning it’s ok to balance the goals, and that I’m probably still stronger than a lot of men I know, which will be great for The Uprising.
Don’t you hate what a serving of pasta looks like? I hate what the servings of most foods look like, but pasta is especially awful.
“But, that’s how much sauce I was going to put! It’ll be a soup!”
Omg yes. Like, this box is supposed to last 8 meals? This is when the “I just worked out so I can eat a block of cheese and three beers” mentality kicks in.
Oh yes, that mentality! I do enjoy a post-workout meal, but my body gets over-zealous for sure.
Oh my god Jaya never ever tell me what a serving of pasta really looks like.
Don’t ever measure it. You will be sad for literally the rest of your life.
The day I realize that bodies are fundamentally built differently and I would never look like ______________ because I have the world’s shortest torso was a lifechanging day for me. If someone had explained it to me via the horse analogy earlier, a lot of mess could have been avoided.
It’s okay! You’re obviously an Arabian, with fewer lumbar vertebrae than other breeds!
Do Arabians have foal-bearing hips, too, because if so, I get to be one of those! Yay!
(Side note: “child-bearing hips” – merely an atrocious phrase, or THE WORST?)
I vote for “the worst.”
The MOST worst.
Worstest.
Aw, but then you get to sing “these hips were made for babies/but that’s not what they’ll do.”
Yeah, seriously. It was weird to me, in retrospect, how long it took me to realize that because, like, I have eyes, I see what I look like and what other people look like – my skeleton is literally an entirely different shape than Jennifer Aniston’s, so it doesn’t matter how much yoga I do, or chicken and steamed broccoli I eat, or whatever, I am never going to have that body.
Right? “I’m big-boned” is not actually a silly “excuse” to be fat, so much as it is a literal, if perhaps simplistic, description of the support structure of my body.
Yuuupppp. I am medium-sized, but when I lost enough weight that it started to look weird, I was still a size 8.
(FTR, I already regret posting this here but can’t delete, due to replying as Guest.)
Even though I like to think of myself as a fairly sane person with eyes to see and a brain to compute, I didn’t have this breakthrough until the end of last year. I had been struggling in my yoga class over and over again with stupid fundamental moves and wasn’t getting any better. Anything that required supporting myself on my hands while keeping my back upright – I just couldn’t do it! I felt crazy. And then, one day, I had another yoga teacher substituting and he walked over and said, “Your arms aren’t long enough for these moves. That’s what the blocks are for, put them under your hands.” And BOOM! Not only was I able to do those moves going forward, but it finally sunk in that bodies are different and it literally did not matter how much yoga I did – the tall long-limbed girl next to me would always be able to do these moves and I would not be able to, and that was not a failing in me or my commitment or flexibility or whatever. Just bodies being bodies.
Oh man…I ALSO struggle with the most basic moves in yoga (I can’t keep my legs straight in downward facing dog) and while I offhandedly say things like, “My body just doesn’t DO that” I wonder if my body actually DOESN’T do that. I’ve never gone regularly to any sort of yoga class, just dropped in on classes in college and gone with friends to their gyms, but I’ve never had an instructor that walked around and did any kind of adjusting, just ones who did the moves at the front of the class.
If I didn’t love you already, I would now.
This is the only thing I’ve read about this picture/meme/whatever without feeling HULK RAGE like whoa. So thank you very much for that. I’m mostly recovered from my eating disorder, which was at one point life threatening, so pretty much all of the attitudes surrounding this (“what’s your excuse,” ladies are always obligated to be sexually appealing in a conventional way, patriarchy-approved fuckability should be everyone’s #1 priority, etc) are triggery as fuck to me.
I lovingly see your Calamity Jane quote and raise you an Al Swearengen: “In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another.”
By which I mean, I enjoy exercising and would like to be doing more of it, but I’m too busy slitting throats for power (umm, or feeding a baby, holding down a job, feeding myself, keeping the house from devolving into a total state of anarchy) to make this the best time to focus on getting a totally sick six-pack, dude. I don’t think that’s so much an “excuse” as a “reasonable balancing of priorities.”
Nicole, this was absolutely perfectly written and well done. I hereby bestow upon you the Fat Girl Seal of Approval, which is good for 2 free cupcakes or 20% off your next purchase at eshakti, your pick.
I am a Shire horse.
Blogging for me is an unending attempt to obtain Seals of Approval from various groups, and I happily accept my cupcakes from the Fat Girls of America. I am still holding out for a labret piercing from the Queer Women of America, if you could put in the good word?
This is a great post – I love the way you parse out you thoughts on the topic. This is an ability I aspire to one day have despite feeling the flames on the side of my my face.
I love Feel the Burn – I’m pretty athletic and I enjoy talking about fitness and stuff in a healthy environment – there are only a handful of feminist healthy living bloggers – the rest are all too preachy and triggery for me with my history of bulimia. In addition to the excellent Toast, any suggestions for good fitness-related blogs that aren’t “healthy living bloggers”? I like Fit and Feminist and Man Bicep.
I love stumptuous.com, although she posts mainly on facebook now.
[Insert slow clap here]
I read this picture as an assertion of dominance, the equivalent of a male display of giant muscles. It’s not about being fit, or happy, or healthy it’s about being more awesome than the rest of y’all. Which is why a simple middle finger would have been fine. You might think that being a man, I don’t care, or I’m going “yeah!” but no, I pretty much want to tell her to fuck off, too.
But Nicole did much, much better than that. She used it to encourage all of us to be more fit, happy and healthy, regardless of how hot we are. Well done. Very well done.
Just want to chime in with all the “yes this thank you” on this post. Just…yes. Thank you.
(And I don’t know horse breeds that well, but I identify strongly with my brother’s Lab/Rottweiler mix, who has a beautiful broad chest and a soft tummy and who excels at snuggling.)
Yes! Dog breed analogies work just as well. Lab/Rottie sounds deliciously snuggly and floofy.
He is a LOVE BABY. My brother calls him the Couchweilier, and if you let him up onto the bed he will plop his head directly on the pillows right next to yours and give you Sad Doggy Eyes until you are using both hands to pet him.
I don’t know how you moms do it. It’s like society (“Society”) tells you to breed Breed BREED! but at the same time don’t you dare look like you ever had a child. Basically – here’s an impossible standard that you will not live up to and will cause you ladies to turn on each other. Enjoy!
I don’t know how you moms do it.
Easy. I see all the articles telling me how I’m doing parenting wrong, or how I’m eating The Wrong Stuff, or how overscheduling my child is The Best/Going to Ruin the World, or even how with my health problems, I was selfish and misguided for having a kid in the first place.
And then I look at my daughter, who is magnificent and mighty and thriving and, yes, human, and I smile to myself and hit close tab.
Ugh, fuck that. Fitspiration is so problematic, and obnoxious to boot. For further, highly recommended reading:
http://reembody.me/2013/09/10/the-6-most-shocking…
Yeeeeessssss! I have that bookmarked! I also bookmarked this, from the National Eating Disorders Association. (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/can-you-tell-anything-persons-weight) It talks about weight stigma, and how it harms EVERYBODY, and how the diet industry benefits from it, and is just a great breath of logic and sanity.
I haven’t even gotten past “Central heating is for quitters! FITNESSS!!!” and I’m giggling at my very desk.
Plus also, speaking of different kinds of attractiveness, fat arms (and other parts) means lots of room for awesome tattoos.
That’s my plan!
I can’t imagine saying it any better than this post does. Creative, intellligent, and mentioned every major point I’d been thinking about myself.
Thanks Nicole. Also worth noting that maybe people have different ways of establishing their own post-baby goals. I’m proud that I lost the weight in under a year (363 days, but who’s counting?) and that I ran a long race in that time. But I’ll never look like that lady and don’t need her letting me know that achieving my particular goals is an ‘excuse.’ (And of course MY goals were MY goals because I have my own particular brand of vanity/neorosis etc that does not need to be applied to anyone else.)
They were talking about this on the morning show I listen to. The male host was scoffing at the female host and the female social media director pointing out that women really do have different body types and some women just aren’t going to look like that no matter what. The kicker is, the male host is like 5’4″ and very aware of his height.
My excuse, reproduced here in its entirety, is “HEY, MY BODY IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.”
It is also my “excuse” for not responding to catcalls or questions about my cup size or passive-aggressive concern about whether I really neeeeeeed to eat that piece of cake. This photo, with that blaming caption, is just one more in an endless stream of intrusive, unsolicited comments on women’s bodies.
On its own, Kang’s* apparent preoccupation with her own body is not my business. I don’t care how she got that body and I don’t care why — but when she distributes images of it with a caption projecting her own physical preoccupations onto women at large, she makes it my business by aggressively perpetuating the idea that I or any other woman owes a duty to society of meeting an impossibly narrow standard of appearance. My excuse? My excuse is “FUCK THIS BULLSHIT.”
*Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.
New Hot Diet Plan: Exchanging Long Protein Strings Through Hand-Holding With Your Enemies. “If you can think of a better way, I’d like to hear it!”
“Merely exchanging long protein strings” is one of the many names in our household for a, um, specific form of cardio*, not least because it cracks us both up when I bellow afterward “IF YOU CAN THINK OF A BETTER WAY, I’D LIKE TO HEAR IT.”
*Or, depending on our mood, weight-bearing exercise. Awwwww yeeeeeeah.
I came so very close to making the Kodos joke and I’m glad somebody else did!
My excuse for not looking like that is a combination of genetics and hormone imbalances, and at this point in my life, I do not even care one tiny bit that I don’t look like her, though she is, of course, very beautiful. I work out nearly everyday, and I can guarantee you that if a doctor were to run cholesterol, blood sugar, and blood pressure tests on both myself and Maria, our results wouldn’t look much different. I feel good. Leave me alone!
Guyssssss I just had such a good workout because of being annoyed with this woman for making working out look so obnoxious.
Now I kind of want to go to a class tonight just to see if I have the same thing, but instead I’ll take my cat to the groomer. Which might actually have a similar effect, cardio-wise.
Dear lord, I love this SO SO SO much (and all the feel the burn installments, obvs). As someone who really loves working out and is also fat (and struggling with pcos + insulin resistance + hormonal shittiness + fatigue + inability to lose weight) and is JUST NOW getting a doctor to take me seriously, I wish more people would just understand that their experiences are not magical insights about what I should do to be not-fat. Behaviors vs weight/appearance is such an important distinction that only approximately 2.3% of people who talk about fitness make. And ZERO% of people make horsey analogies, which is a travesty. THANK YOU NICOLE. also your leg workout was/is a beast and I love it!
Nicole, I loved this. The horse analogy is spot-on. My doctor blew my mind this past spring with the simple truth that no matter what I do, I’ll always carry weight in my stomach area because that’s just how I’m built. I knew that, of course, but I was so sucked up in the illusion that I could like someone else if I would “just” work at it. It’s honestly been life changing to just accept myself as me.
This post is amazing and awesome and I love it, except one tiiiiny thing is that it’s pretty uncool to refer to a woman of Asian descent as “a colossal wang.”
I didn’t notice* that (or, indeed, speculate about Kang’s ethnicity) until you pointed it out, but you’re right that at best that is a most unfortunate choice of words.
*Of course, not noticing — having the luxury not to notice — is pretty much the definition of majority privilege.
oh my God I had no idea that any of this existed
I didn't notice* that (or, indeed, speculate about Kang's ethnicity) until you pointed it out, but you're right that at best that is a most unfortunate choice of words.
*Of course, not noticing — having the luxury not to notice — is pretty much the definition of majority privilege.
Your username is fabulous. My Twitter handle used to be CalvesOfDoom. I think our muscles could be friends.