Previously, once: Text Messages From a Ghost.
October 21
hi
hi i hope im not waking you
but did you mean to blow out the candle just now
sorry who’s this
im outside
on the porch
i just
i wasn’t sure if you meant to blow the candle out or not
it’s really dark outside without the candle
do you want me to come out and relight the candle?
that would be nice
thank you
October 23
oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh
what is it?
oh gosh
are you okay?
a leaf just blew in me a leaf just blew in me
a leaf?
yes
it just
oh my gosh i can feel it touching me
do you need me to come get it out?
please
oh gosh oh gosh
this feels so weird
okay
i’m coming out
thank you
oh gosh oh gosh
October 25
sorry if we woke you last night
it’s fine
i wasn’t asleep
i didn’t know you had a cat
he wanted to come inside
we had a disagreement
October 27
i forgot to say this before
but thank you
thank you for what?
bringing me here
i like it here with you
i’m glad you like it here
good
that’s good
if im ever
if you ever need me to do something different
you let me know
ive never been a jack o lantern before
just a regular pumpkin
so you let me know if im missing something
no you’re terrific
okay
okay great
October 31
oh gosh
big night
oh gosh
You excited?
i think i see one
i think i see one coming
get ready
are you ready?
I’m ready
but it’s still really early
I think we can relax
yeah
yeah you can probably relax
i don’t think it was one anyhow
theyll probably get here pretty soon though
right
oh yeah
definitely
November 18
WHAT IS THIS
WHAT IS THIS
ARE YOU AWAKE YET
PLEASE WAKE UP
WHAT IS THIS
what’s wrong?
what’s the matter?
MY HEART IS COLD
EVERYTHING IS COLD
MY INSIDES ARE COLD
MY OUTSIDES ARE COLD
EVERYTHING IS WHITE
oh
oh thank god
it’s snow
haha
is snow a joke?
no
not exactly
but it’s normal
you’ll be fine
okay
okay that’s good
want me to come light the candle?
PLEASE
i dont think i’m going to like winter
i don’t either
you could scoot me a little closer to the door
if you wanted
under the roof more
just while you’re out here
December 6
everyone else is gone
what?
everyone else on the block is gone
did you notice that?
im the only one left
no i guess i didn’t notice
lots of trees up though
have you seen them?
the window trees?
yeah i’ve seen them
youre not going to get one
right?
no
i’m not going to get one
okay
okay thats good
gosh im tired
you okay?
oh yeah i’m fine
its just really cold out
im just kind of cold
i’ll be fine though
you sure?
yeah
you want me to bring you another candle?
no
i don’t think it matters
you could still come outside though
if you wanted
Tags: changing seasons, jack-o-lantern, texts from
◉︵◉
WHY AM I FEELS
well this is surely the saddest I’ve ever been about a gourd
The excitement on October 31 is adorable. And also, for some reason, completely heartbreaking.
seriously.
the little match gourd
you almost expect it to whisper about beatific visions of Grandma Vine
Dude, seriously.
WELP, there goes my ability to throw away jack o’ lanterns after Halloween.
Are you kidding? After this, all three of ours are going to be partying in the yard waste bin by November 2, far away from me, so I can’t hear their quiet sobbing.
At least they’ll have each other
I grew my own pumpkins a few years ago. I had the HARDEST time throwing them out because they were like my babies. Also, I’m a weirdo.
IT’S TOO EARLY TO BE CRYING OVER A SAD PUMPKIN
weeping silently
poor pumpkin
Oh god, I feel so bad about that one jack-o-lantern that lived on our porch for way too long until eventually my roommate came home drunk and punted it into the yard where it slowly disintegrated forever because we were too scared of rats to go clean it up.
damnit mallory, we are partners, you have to warn me about sad things
I LOVE THIS and want to hug all the Jack O Lanterns.
OK, I’ll just be here at my desk, sobbing quietly over the fact that life is fleeting, and the best days of the year are almost past, and there’s nothing left but darkness and cold for the next four or five months.
I really appreciate how Mallory has taken a ritual about banishing darkness and USED IT TO MAKE THE DARKNESS WORSE
WELL PLAYED
I think I may have to gourd it up all winter. HATERS TO THE LEFT.
It is way too early in the morning for me to be stifling tears at work. BUT HERE WE ARE.
I placed a pumpkin on the table in our multi-purpose room to spruce up the place and someone came by and told me that someone had stuck THREE KNIVES in my pumpkin
Even work is no place safe for a pumpkin or tears
OH MY GOD
the knives didn’t match anything else in the kitchen…there’s a ghost
That seems very mean spirited to me 🙁
Like yeah Halloween knives spooky, but it wasn’t their pumpkin!
Well, now I’m sad. And very guilty about the Jack O Lantern I let get moldy on my balcony next year before my husband dropped him off said balcony where he splattered on the pavement below.
I think I’m…a murderer. I should turn myself in.
ive never been a jack o lantern before
just a regular pumpkin
so you let me know if im missing something
OH MY GOD, MALLORY
Holy cow I am so glad I live in a country where Halloween is not really a Thing because otherwise it would be awks every October walking past people’s front porches and crying
SWEET PUMPKINS
WE HAVE GIVEN YOU LIFE. AND WITH IT, THE FULL GAMUT OF POTENTIAL HAPPINESS AND SUFFERING
FORGIVE US, FOR WE KNOW NOT WHAT WE DO
please help
a squirrel is eating my head
Look, this was bad enough. But then I went and read the ghost one, and the return of ghost one, and I have a meeting in 8 minutes and…dammit.
BAD PLAN BAD PLAN
Made worse by the fact that one of the guys we were meeting with? LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A JACK O LANTERN. I kept expecting a light to shine out of his mouth.
Wait, what? How?
He has a mushy face and melty cheeks and teeth that fit together in some odd way that never quite lets his mouth close. And he smiles a lot, kinda crooked smile with those teeth fitting weird. I mean, very nice guy. A happy Jack O’Lantern. But I worry for him, come winter time.
This seems relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdA05KkXeBU
Oh yeah, rookie mistake. You cannot read anything about Ghost unless you have a few spare hours, a box of kleenex, and a bottle of Gatorade to replenish lost fluids. Frickin’ GHOST.
I didn’t know! No one warned me!
EDITORS: PUT UP THE CRYING DISCLAIMER WITH THAT LINK.
No! Never read ghost! Mallory lulls you with all her funny ‘texts from’ posts and then she throws in Ghost or Jack O Lantern and suddenly you’re not laughing anymore and everything is so painfully sad!
(Sorry…Ghost has scarred me forever)
This reminds me of one of my favorite moments from 30 Rock:
Liz: Please know that when I invited you over I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s day.
Drew: Yeah you still have that rotting Jack-O-Latern in the hallway so I feel like you don’t have a great sense of what month it is.
Liz: Well it’s just gotten so small that I kinda wanna see if it disappears.
perhaps this is something I could add to my resume, like “I have a great sense of what month it is, usually.”
i dont think i’m going to like winter
i don’t either
🙁
🙁
🙁
I was warned about this, but I’m STILL NOT OK. why sad. why 🙁
You didn’t even get to the moldy part. Also, your jack o’lantern is the most polite texter ever.
I thought it was kind of Mallory to put Jack in a cold climate; if he were here in San Francisco he’d be a moldy mess three days after being carved.
I was a little thrown off by the idea that a Halloween pumpkin could last until DECEMBER. California pumpkins live short and brutal lives.
Yeah, I’m planning to carve a pumpkin tonight and now all I can think about is the swift death I’m bringing upon a lovely pumpkin.
(Also, I finally created an account and am SO EXCITED, you guys)
I carved my pumpkin last Saturday and it was one of those stringy ones that you can’t ever get completely clean, so I knew it was going to rot super-fast. Sure enough, I pulled off the lid off this morning and it had grown a whole batch of festive white mold–it made its own wig for a costume! Unfortunately, this also means it will be in the trash by the end of the night. 🙁
THE GIVING PUMPKIN IT’S THE GIVING PUMPKIN. Also Puff the Magic Pumpkin? Or something.
None of the words in this post are showing up for me! It just goes straight from the headline/byline to the tags! What cruel torture is this?
THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME AS WELL. I cannot read of the goths or the depressing pumpkins.
It isn’t working in Firefox or Internet Explorer.
Same two articles for me. The newer one, the Star Wars one, is working for me.
I can’t get any of them now.
We’re working on the disappearing posts! IT’S A GHOST!
Update: clear your cache, should be fine now!
I got in, thank you.
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHY GOD WHYYYYYY
It’s to save you. Look upon it as a kindness from the universe, which just wants you not to be sad at the moment.
Just when I was getting to the point of contemplating giving away my stuffed animals – Gah! Right in the Velveteen Rabbit feels.
Oh yay now I can read it!
…
…
…
::wibble::
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO READ THE TOAST!
WELL NOW I JUST WANT TO HIDE UNDER MY DESK MAKING SAD DOLPHIN NOISES.
i forgot to say this before
but thank you
thank you for what?
bringing me here
i like it here with you
I feel the feelings. They are roiling around inside me like pumpkin seeds and strands of goop being scooped up in preparation for the great hollowing-out.
OH. THAT’S WHAT SADNESS FEELS LIKE.
also mallory have you read “bambi”, like the original novel by felix salten? there’s a chapter where two autumn leaves contemplate their own mortality. this is way before bambi’s dad comes by like, YOUR MOTHER IS NOT COMING BACK. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO BE ALONE NOW. best book ever.
i don’t think it matters
you could still come outside though
if you wanted
oh little pumpkin, I will come outside and sit by you, for you are the dearest and best little pumpkin.
Ugh, all my childhood angst from reading a miniature copy of “The Fir Tree” used as a decoration on our Christmas tree just returned. I’M SORRY OUR ATTENTION IS SO CRUELLY FICKLE, INANIMATE HOLIDAY OBJECTS.
MALLORY STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
I mean, obviously all of the feels, but also:
is snow a joke?
no
not exactly
!!!
I’m going to go hug my jack o lantern and apologize for not having a proper porch for it.
Dammit Mallory! This is too much. He had never been a jack-o-lantern before, only a regular pumpkin! Stupid window trees. I have more feelings than I know what to do with.
:((((((((((((((((((((
does anyone else remember hearing on NPR about that experiment where researchers had people interact with little robot cats and the robot cats would plead with the people not to turn them off and the people would DO IT ANYWAY
Whaaaaaaat. Is wrong with researchers.
it is like the Milgram experiment but with robots
I guess the point is that researchers have been fucked up for a long time? at least they didn’t give anybody syphilis (Tuskegee experiment)
also the Furbies Barbies Gerbies episode on RadioLab where it seemed like children were nicer to robots than the mean adults with the robot cats because they were uncomfortable with holding the Furbies upside down when the Furbies didn’t like it
I just carved my jack-o-lantern yesterday. Then I couldn’t wait for it to get dark so I could sit outside with it and look at it. I am never throwing him away. I have named him Archimedes, and I am going to sit outside and read to him from The Once and Future King every night because in California it never snows and we can be friends forever. EVERYONE SEND ME ALL YOUR PUMPKINS READING PARTY AT MY HOUSE.
(Also, I just followed the shift in that comment from “it” to “him.” I’m THAT scary lady, aren’t I? FUUUUUUUHHHHHHH…)
When he starts to sag you can plump him back up by leaving him in a bucket of water for a few hours or overnight!
Ooh, thank you! This is so good to know! He has some little fiddly bits and they’re already starting to pucker some.
oh noooooo i was going to make a jack o lantern tomorrow but now i don’t know if i cannnnnnn. i even have a white one, so he’s like a jack-o-lantern ghost! DOUBLE TRAUMA.
noooooooooo
So tears forever obviously. Also, after rereading the Ghost series…does Ghost not like Halloween because, as a young and forgetful spirit, Ghost was once a jack-o-lantern?
AUGH
MALLORY, WHY???? Oh my gosh, I wish I hadn’t carved my first ever pumpkin last night. Now I’ll be living with a jack-o-lantern for the next year.
Ooh, thank you! This is so good to know! He has some little fiddly bits and they're already starting to pucker some.
I knew as soon as I saw the link to Ghost (GHOST!) that this would be heart-wrenching…and of course it was.
But I’m also amused that both Ghost and Jack-o-Lantern are anti-cat. Why the cat hate, oh paranormal creations of Mallory’s brain?
I knew as soon as I saw the link to Ghost (GHOST!) that this would be heart-wrenching…and of course it was.
But I'm also amused that both Ghost and Jack-o-Lantern are anti-cat. Why the cat hate, oh paranormal creations of Mallory's brain?
I carved my pumpkin last Saturday and it was one of those stringy ones that you can't ever get completely clean, so I knew it was going to rot super-fast. Sure enough, I pulled off the lid off this morning and it had grown a whole batch of festive white mold–it made its own wig for a costume! Unfortunately, this also means it will be in the trash by the end of the night. 🙁
🙁
True definition of sadness.
Funny Text Messages
Yes. Still the best ever.
Well, shit. I went and read GHOST and now I have that slow, creeping sad where you’re like “no no it’s cool i’m fine” and then a half hour later you feel your chest tighten and tears well up and you’re like “oh shit i have to leave my desk this is about to get ugly.”