One of my best friends and I both have mind-numbing desk jobs.
In order to survive said desk jobs, we spend most of our days Facebook chatting with each other. We use all-caps far more than is probably necessary. Our conversations very often veer into highly bizarre territory. Sometimes it’s fiction, sometimes it’s commentary, and it’s always weird. Lately, it’s focused mostly on Snoop Dogg’s semi-recent decision to rename himself Snoop Lion.
Teagan
He’s motherfucking Snoop
and he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS
SO DEAL WITH IT
AND CALL HIM LION NOW.
ALSO HE MAKES REGGAE NOW
SO DEAL WITH THAT TOO.
Liz
ALSO HE HANGS OUT WITH MARTHA STEWART
HE DOESN’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK
YOU ARE NOT A FACTOR IN ANY OF HIS DECISIONS
HE WILL BE PURCHASING PAISLEY PANTS
AND HE DOESN’T EVEN CARE THAT IT MAKES HIS HIPS LOOK WIDE
HE MIGHT EVEN GET THEM IN CAPRIS
OR CULOTTES.
HE’S GOING TO PURCHASE PAISLEY CULOTTES AND A MOCHA CHIP MILKSHAKE, AND HE DOESN’T WANT YOUR OPINION ON THAT.
Teagan
YEP
EXACTLY
HE’S JUST BEING SNOOP
Liz
HE’S DATING HARRY STYLES FROM ONE DIRECTION
AND IT’S NOT A PUBLICITY STUNT
THEY ARE LEGITIMATELY IN LOVE
NOT THAT IT MATTERS TO HIM IF YOU THINK IT’S A STUNT, ANWAY
THEY’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD
GONNA RIDE SPLASH MOUNTAIN THREE TIMES
IN THE PAISLEY CULOTTES
THAT HAVEN’T BEEN PREVIOUSLY WASHED
PROBABLY THE DYE WILL RUN A LITTLE
BUT SNOOP DOESN’T WANT YOUR LAUNDRY TIPS
Teagan
THIS IS THE BEST SPECULATIVE FANFICTION ABOUT SNOOP LION’S LIFE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED.
Liz
SNOOP BOUGHT HIMSELF A CONDO IN NAMIBIA
BECAUSE HE LIKES THE NAME NAMIBIA
HE’S USING IT CURRENTLY AS A STORAGE UNIT FOR HIS KOMODO DRAGONS
23 OF THEM
ALL COINCIDENTALLY NAMED “NAMIBIA”
Teagan
SEE NOW
I FEEL LIKE THIS VERSION OF SNOOP IS ALSO SECRETLY TRACY JORDAN.
Liz
NO
SNOOP HAS HIRED RESPONSIBLE GUARDS FOR HIS STORAGE UNIT
AND A PERSONAL TRAINER FOR EACH DRAGON
ALL OF THE TRAINERS WEAR NAMETAGS EXPLAINING WHICH DRAGON THEY ARE TRAINING
SO ALL OF THE TRAINERS WEAR NAMETAGS THAT SAY
“HI! I’M TRAINING *NAMIBIA*”
SNOOP ISN’T INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION ON THAT.
ON SNOOP LION, PART TWO
Liz
SNOOP BOUGHT MOON SHOES
FROM A 90′S NOSTALGIA WEBSITE
AND THEY DON’T FIT HIS FEET
AND HE’S WELL ABOVE THE WEIGHT LIMIT
BUT HE WALKS AROUND IN THEM ANYWAY
LIKE A DEFLATED SOUFFLE ON EACH FOOT
HE DOESN’T WANT ANYONE’S IDEAS ON A BETTER WAY.
Teagan
NOTHING SADDER THAN A DEFLATED SOUFFLE
BUT SNOOP DOESN’T CARE.
Liz
HIS TOES KINDA FLOP OVER THE FRONT OF THEM, TOO
WHICH IS CAUSING HIS GAIT TO CHANGE
SO HE NOW WALKS LIKE A T-REX WITH A DISPLACED HIP
BUT HE’S PAINTED HIS TOENAILS TO LOOK LIKE THE SURFACE OF THE MOON
BECAUSE THEY’RE MOON SHOES
NOT THAT HE THINKS HE OWES YOU ANY EXPLANATION
SO HE’S OKAY WITH THE POSTURE SACRIFICE
SNOOP BOUGHT THE DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS TO LIL WAYNE’S MOM
SO THAT SHE CAN COME OVER TO SNOOP’S HOUSE AND TUCK HIM IN AT NIGHT
HE LIKES THE WAY SHE READS “THE FOOT BOOK” BY DR. SUESS.
IT’S HIS FAVORITE BOOK.
HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK, THOUGH.
SNOOP ALSO OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THE MOTHERS OF LEONARDO DICAPRIO,
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES, BRUCE VILANCH, AND MARTIN SHEEN.
Teagan
I BET BRUCE VILANCH’S MOM IS A HOOT AND A HALF.
Liz
HE’S IN TALKS WITH PAUL REUBENS AND LARRY DAVID FOR THEIRS AS WELL.
BRUCE VILANCH’S MOM, BRACE VILANCH
IS ACTUALLY NOW A NUN
WHO TOOK A VOW OF SILENCE IN 1965
SNOOP LIKES TO MAKE HER STAND IN THE CORNER AND HOLD A LIGHTBULB
AND PRETEND THAT SHE’S A BROKEN NOVELTY LAMP
Teagan
THAT’S BOTH FUNNY AND SAD
Liz
SHE LIKES IT
BECAUSE AT THE CONVENT
SHE JUST SILENTLY COUNTS GRAINS OF RICE
SHE DOESN’T EVEN TALLY THEM
A FEW TIMES SHE’S JUST PICKED UP RICE AND PUT IT BACK DOWN WITHOUT
COUNTING IT
AND NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW
IT’S THE SIN SHE IS CHIEFLY GUILTY FOR.
BRACE VILANCH IS NOW MY HERO.
BUT SNOOP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THAT.
Teagan
SNOOP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING
Liz
WELL
SNOOP CARES ABOUT THE WELL-BEING OF HIS KOMODO DRAGONS, NAMIBIA
AND ALSO FOR HOW THE WOMEN’S SCHOOL HE SET UP IN DOWNTOWN SALT LAKE CITY IS DOING
HE HAD IT CONSTRUCTED EXACTLY THE SAME AS A SCHOOL IN NAMIBIA
SO BECAUSE IT DOESN’T HAVE DOORS, WINDOW GLASS, OR RUNNING WATER
ATTENDANCE IS SPARSE
THERE ARE CURRENTLY THREE WOMEN ON STAFF
ALL OF THEM ARE NAMED BRENDA HIGGINS
SNOOP DID NOT, INTERESTINGLY, HIRE THEM FOR THIS REASON
THEY ARE ALL UNIQUELY QUALIFIED
AND TOTALLY DIFFERENT IN EVERY OTHER WAY
THE SCHOOL IS CALLED
THE LION SCHOOL OF FOLK MUSIC
AND TEACHES STRICTLY ALGEBRA
BECAUSE ALL THE BRENDAS ARE GOOD AT MATH
BUT NOT SO MUCH AT MUSIC
Teagan
WELL THAT SEEMS CONFUSING.
Liz
SNOOP DOESN’T RECOGNIZE YOUR CONFUSION
BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO LET IT REGISTER
IT HAS BEEN STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
ADDITIONALLY THEY TEACH A SUMMER SEMINAR ON STRAWBERRY FARMING
BECAUSE THE STRAWBERRY CENTER OF AMERICA IS THEIR PRIMARY SPONSOR
Teagan
WELL THAT’S NICE
Liz
THE STRAWBERRY CENTER OF AMERICA IS LITERALLY THE CENTER OF A STRAWBERRY
THAT IS HOUSED IN MOMA
IT’S NOT A CENTER FOR STRAWBERRY RESEARCH
THE CENTER OF THIS STRAWBERRY IS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY
FROM A NUMBER OF STRONG INVESTMENTS
INTO COMPUTERS IN THE EIGHTIES.
Kendra Wells is an illustrator who gives great Girl Tips.
Tags: conversations that only happen at work, kendra wells, snoop lion
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
Yes, I also love caps SO SO MUCH!! IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SUFFICIENTLY EXPRESS MY JOY!
Today husband pointed out I say “ALL CAPS!” after things I say in real life to real people with frightening regularity. I blame The Toast for most of my behaviors, but also this.
The picture is everything I hoped it would be.
Everything about this, from the Hulk-like cadence of the ALL CAPS to the kickin’ illustrations to the majestic line “I FEEL LIKE THIS VERSION OF SNOOP IS ALSO SECRETLY TRACY JORDAN” is making my day the best of Tuesdays in December.
Said it before and will say it again: I have peaked as an artist. Nothing will ever top a fake instagram of Harry Styles and Snoop Lion dating.
Speaking as one half of Shouty Wisdom, you are a national treasure. I’m SO thrilled that you’re the one who illustrated us!
Speaking as the OTHER half of Shouty Wisdom, DITTO. YOU ARE AMAZING.
I’M SO THRILLED WITH BOTH OF YOU FOR GIVING ME SUCH GOLD TO WORK WITH, LET’S HUG IT OUT
OKAY <3
OKAY YES FOREVER <3
Clearly not, because you immediately bested that with the adorbs Snoop-in-lashes-sleepmask image. There are only peaks ahead of you.
I can’t stop rereading this
The eye mask!!! *dies*
I love this so much and I demand morrrrre.
“SO HE NOW WALKS LIKE A T-REX WITH A DISPLACED HIP”
And his arms are slowly shrinking
So Harry is the one with the hair of a teenaged Ewan McGregor playing a cartoon werewolf? More than any other young-person pop-culture phenomenon, One Direction makes me fiiiiiinally understand what my parents found so amusing about the bands of my youth.
But Snoop? I cannot get too much Snoop. Last week, I happened upon the “Monk” episode in which he plays – go figure – a rap artist, and I watched it like a five-year-old watches cartoons: pitched forward on my elbows, eyes wide to take in every radiant moment.
I find myself squinting at pictures of One Direction on the covers of magazines to figure out who will emerge as the Justin Timberlake and who will be the Joey Fatone of this whole mishegas.
I do this tooooooo, except for me it’s Robbie Williams/the rest of Take That.
But who will be the Bobby Brown?
Hey, thanks everybody for not pointing out that he’s Snoop Zilla now.
HE’S NOT, YOU’RE LYING, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE
Can we get a Thunderclap going to tweet this at Harry Styles or
OH PLEASE YES
I just checked and APPARENTLY you can’t set up a Thunderclap to tweet at anybody because of SPAM or SOMETHING whatEVER
Very good.
I just checked and APPARENTLY you can't set up a Thunderclap to tweet at anybody because of SPAM or SOMETHING whatEVER
Yay! This is amazing. And if anyone is looking for someone to chat with because their jobs are slowly stabbing their brains to death, I am available. I cannot promise anything of this quality but I will send you my random thoughts about stupid things.
It is interesting that you ask what really killed Tiny Tim, because I am currently working on a production of A Christmas Carol and our Cratchit children have decided that Belinda slowly poisoned him because she was tired of playing second fiddle to her diminutive brother.
So there’s that mystery solved.
Best comment of this thread.
applefritter… I think we need to be friends.
(There’s a whole other bit in the annals of Shouty Wisdom history about Tiny Tim’s cause of death and the questionable alternate timelines in A Christmas Carol.)