Actual Food Sins
– Coveting thy neighbor’s kohlrabi
– Refusing to honor thy mother and father’s quiche
– Bearing false witness regarding who ate the last mallomar
– Worshipping cheese
– Worshipping graven images and sculptures of cheese
– Using celery as a murder weapon
– Baking bread on the Sabbath
– Stealing your dining partner’s last pork bun when they weren’t looking
Not Actually Food Sins
– Eating food containing a higher quantity of calories, fat, and/or sugar than you usually consume
– Deriving pleasure from the consumption of food
Tags: food, food sins, go forth and sin no more my child, it is finished, religion, so sayeth mary anne
Related Posts
ahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah
Yes, thanks!
no you blaspheme. cheese is the one true food and i have no other food besides cheese.
I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.
I am the lord your cheese, who brought you out of the land of hunger. You shall have no other foods before me.
You shall not make for yourself a carved idol from lesser foods, only from cheese.
You shall not take the name of your cheese in vain, I am looking at you, String Cheese Incident.
Remember to eat cheese every day, and keep it holy.
Honor your aged cheeses.
You shall not murder over cheese, except in the case of Aged Smoked Gouda or that damned expensive Parmesan.
You shall share the cheese with your spouse, except in the aforementioned cheeses.
You shall not steal cheese, except sometimes.
You shall not lie about the location of the cheese.
You shall covet your neighbor’s cheeses, his chevre and his mozzarella, and you shall invite him over for dinner only so long as he brings them, and then you shall engineer an emergency and get him to leave but keep the cheese there as your own.
What does that make Velveeta
The false idol or golden imitation cheese product
An abomination against God and Nature.
The base and foundation of The Most Holy Ro-Tel Dip.
May its name be praised.
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-meeeeeeeen. /choir
PREACH. Suffer the little children to come unto the cheese plate and nibble thereof, that they may know its bounty.
😀
sorry I just… this website is broken because I need to thumbs-up this a billion more times.
I bow down before you, in the name of the Lord Cheese, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Holy Toast.
(Not to be confused with the holey toast, from whence the cheese drips onto the bottom of the toaster oven and causes a big mess.)
May His Noodly Appendages shine down upon you and grant you cheese.
Oh, what a friend we have in Cheez-us.
YES
So Cheez-its are of the devil, falsely proclaiming their goodness, with an agenda to sicken and confuse the masses?
Thought so.
i want two tablets of cheese engraved with this.
Amen.
On the graven images thing, are we talking sculptures of cheese in another medium (marble, stone, etc) or are we talking sculptures made out of cheese? What does it say in the original, uh… queso-maic? Just want to be sure about this one before I start sinning. Maximum sins per cheese, and all that.
I believe both count, though sculptures made of cheese are, obviously, better, because you can eat them.
I love it. I also believe that not offering your side pickle to others at the table if you yourself are not a pickle eater is a food sin. Allowing a perfectly good side pickle to be swept away with your reject fries and crumbs at the end of a delicious deli meal is a pointless tragedy that can be easily avoided.
Yessss. This may be the biggest of the sins. I believe it applies to any parts of a meal going wholly untouched (or if by a close friend or family member, even if they have been touched). I once spent ten terrible minutes trying to decide whether to ask the business man next to me on an airplane if he was going to eat his cookies (served with lunch). I chickened out, and they went in the trash, and I felt sad.
I refuse to confirm or deny allegations regarding pork bun theft on my own account, forsooth, but have been known to appear “shifty” in this regard.
Knowingly making decaf coffee and not telling anyone else it is decaf… Sinful. Sinful behavior.
Obligatory Kids in the Hall video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzBVhHoMQ18&sa…
BITCH ARE YOU FOR REAL
The worst Christmas ever: when Mom and Dad switched to a 3/4 decaf brew without telling me. That quarter-dose of caffeine was just enough to cloud the issue (because I would have known if I was drinking true decaf), but not enough to do me any good. Those monsters.
One side of my family never has coffee available. They have instant decaf, which they think is coffee. I disagree.
ahhhh, this is wonderful and sorely needed. <3
“Love thy nourishment with all thy mouth and all thy tongue and all thy stomach, and love thy neighbor’s nourishment as thou love thyself; this is the first and greatest Commandment.”
EATING NUTELLA OUT OF THE JAR WITH A SPOON READING THIS
My coworker was just like “Ohhh, chocolate at this hour! I just had some I’m so bad” and I was like, what?? What is possibly BAD about this situation? Jeebs.
Also, that ginger in the photo is killin it
I scrolled back up looking for a ginger root trying to smize before I remembered what the picture was.
It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to eat a fucking pomegranate.
I’m terrified of pomegranates. They make me sick to even look at them. So I’m calling “Eating a pomegranate in public and/or leaving the empty rinds in the sink like some sort of disgusting fruit crime scene” my Food Sin.
That’s cool, but what do you do with the seeds once they’re out? Just eat them whole? There’s a hard bit inside, so… what happens?
I just…chew them?
They are 100% edible!
Stealing any of your partner’s food when they’re not looking is a food sin!
-a regular food theft victim 🙁
Food mortal sin: commenting on food someone else is eating in any way other than to say “That looks delicious!”
Or possibly “Could I please have the recipe?”
Oh good god, yes. I have a coworker who is a compulsive food commenter. He makes the most inane comments–either mundane observations about what I’m eating or incorrect guesses as to whether the smell in the kitchen is from my food. It puts me off my feed.
Excuse you. My cheese-worship is the profound and deep center of my spiritual life, I’ll have you know.
Cheese-worshipping heretics will be fondued alive. Martyrdom has never been so delicious, or so good with toast.
Sign me up
I love this. It really, really bugs me when people (or ladymags, ahem) use the language of morality while discussing the consumption of food. No, it is not evil of you to eat a damn piece of cake, for fuck’s sake. And you rarely hear men or media targeted at men discussing food in this way – they’re more likely to be all, “Eat burgers and bacon, not silly girly salads, manly man!” I’ve never heard a guy say he was being “bad” while eating something unhealthy.
Besides, when it comes to being a “good” person or a “bad” person, surely we have something better to aspire to than eating kale all the time to stay thin. My goodness as a human being is measured by whether or not I’m kind to others, or how I use (or don’t use) what’s been given to me to make the world better, not by how many times in my life I’m able to resist eating ice cream (which so far is zero, in case you were wondering).
pregnant character on “Sex & the City”: “Isn’t it great? I can eat anything I want!”
me: “YOU COULD ALWAYS DO THAT.”
And that’s how I only made it a season-and-a-half into “Sex & the City” despite friends’ recommendations.
I broke up with my first boyfriend because he wouldn’t share dessert. Still not sorry
“Telling vegans beans made with chicken broth are vegan”
ugh slate ugh ugh ugh /dies
I would like to add, to the true food sins: tasting someone’s food before they’ve had a chance to taste it themselves. Especially if it is delicious. Looking at you, husband.
But how else will I get any of your french fries? Must strike quickly!
Best keep in mind, they do give you weapons (i.e., silverware) at most dining establishments. Ahem.
i want two tablets of cheese engraved with this.
ugh slate ugh ugh ugh /dies
Finally someone said it about cheese worship.
/runs and hides from the pro-cheese upthread it’s fine but like whoa y’all
Serving cilantro to the Cilantro-Cursed.
(I am so glad I didn’t get the Cilantro-Curse gene, unlike my brothers, HAHA)
Eating prohibited food is good as long as your enjoying it. Like they say, its better to die full and happy, than die starving.