Since starting Ask a Clean Person in March 2011, I’ve received close to 3000 emails from people with questions for me. I have read all of them! Even the ones that I got when I was on my honeymoon and not at all using the internet which, wow. I need another honeymoon. (I read those emails, like, a month later when the guilt started to set in and I’d finished writing my thank you notes.)
Most of the queries I get are variations on a theme. Clean Person Mad Libs, if you will: “I spilled [noun] on [place], help!” or “My [expletive] [pet] [bodily functioned] all over my [place] but I love him, even though he is revolting, so I will not get rid of him even though you are probably right that I should.”
Some of the notes I get are quite sad; those are ones I won’t run in my column but do respond to personally. Cutters, people suffering from severe depression, adult children of hoarders … it’s hard stuff to read, but I’m touched that people feel safe enough to trust me with problems that go well beyond nail varnish stains on bedding. (Stop, by the way, polishing your fingernails in bed. Ladies!)
Every once in a while an email comes my way that is clearly fake. Not actually as often as you’d think though! Obviously I just ignore those ones. Except for the time I ran an obviously fake question, but I had my reasons. (Oh wait! I’m going to detour for a second and confess something: In that very first Deadspin column I wrote, I tried too hard to adopt a posture that wasn’t true to myself when answering that obviously fake semen question. I did it because I wanted to fit in and impress the guys. It backfired and I never did it again. And actually? As it turns out, they love me just the way I am, I don’t at all have to pretend to be cool in order to be liked. THE END.)
Then there are the doozies. Container of butter exploded in your car? Sure. Who among us hasn’t buttered our vehicle? Got a set of stinking testicles? As soon as I’m done blinking rapidly in your general direction, I’ll be happy to help out with some suggestions. Do you need me to wave my vagina wand and remove the discharge buildup from your underpants? Just let me get it out of storage.
Believe it or not, I also stay in touch with some of the people who ask questions of me. The title of my book, My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag … And Other Things You Can’t Ask Martha, was inspired by a real gal with a real boyfriend who barfed in her real handbag (not pictured.) She and the boyfriend are still together, and the bag is doing just fine! The lady who had relations in a sleeping bag in her living room so as not to let her gentleman friend see her impossibly messy bedroom is also doing A-OK. She’s living in a new place now, all on her own, and is still making her bed every day.
So on the occasion of the release of the aforementioned book, The Toast graciously granted me space in which to revisit some of the other doozies that appeared in the original iteration of Ask a Clean Person, as well as in the book, and to catch up with the original letter writers. In some cases names have been changed (I suggested to each of them that they might like to be known as ‘Esmerelda’ for this purpose. None of them bit.)
The follow up questions I asked were: Did my advice work?; How long did it take you to get around to actually cleaning the item in question?; Are you cleaner in general?; Are you and the boyfriend/girlfriend still together?; Did you tell him/her you wrote to me for cleaning advice?; Do you still have the item in question?
Let’s see how we did!!
Chatting with Katherine about cleaning her Strap-on Harness:
Your advice … was poorly followed by me. BUT! I did start using a barely-damp microfiber cloth with a teensy drop of castile soap which seems similar to a baby wipe and was recommended by a commenter. And it was ok. It still posed the “getting around the rivets” problem and so now there is an old toothbrush that sometimes gets swiped around. I didn’t try the mink oil or saddle soap because I was still leery of contact with my extra-sensitive nethers, but I have thought about it and will definitely be something I do in the future for conditioning. Thankfully the microfiber/toothbrush method has prevented the need for the dry cleaners.
I think it took me another week or two [after the column ran] before a cleaning. It’s still kind of a bear to deal with the next morning (like, the last thing you want to do after getting fucked comatose is get out of the bed and stand in your cold bathroom wiping things down) so it’s not our usual routine. More like a well-worth it treat. Although we are looking for a new model, the old harness will always have a place in our drawer. Especially since leather basically can’t be beat for sex appeal and stability—though I’ve heard good things about the nylon ones….
The girlfriend and I are still together! Actually recently engaged, we have agreed to promise to always dirty our sex toys together and we are currently shopping for one of those fun underwear-looking harnesses that we can just throw into the wash with some Oxi when we wanna be lazy about our strap on sex cleanup (though not lazy about the sex.) And I did tell her! After I wrote you but before it was posted. She’s pretty laissez-faire and doesn’t care if I blab about our sex toys on the internet as long as it won’t pop up on her Google search.
Am I cleaner? I would say yes, mostly though because I have since vaulted from late-mid-twenties to full on late-twenties and that puts the fear of god into a girl-who-should-be-acting-
This was fun! I just got inspired and went through a bunch of old columns because I have a day off and want to nest hardcore (nothing like a ring on your finger to kick that nesting impulse into high gear) and have been inspired to clean: my cast iron skillet, my shower curtain liner, my baking sheets, and my floor. So yeah, I guess I am cleaner thanks to you.
A note from Vera, the very kind lady whose boyfriend sometimes left Skidmarks On Sheets:
I’m glad to say that the dude and I are still together. The issue still happens occasionally, and is mostly a side effect from medication that he takes for epilepsy. I talked with him about it and he had been much more on his game to make sure it doesn’t happen.
I did not tell him that I was writing to you for help, and he still doesn’t know (and he would be mortified to know that I did). I’ll tell him when we’re 80 and both in diapers.
The advice did help and made me feel cleaner, as I was scared of the bacteria that could be breeding on my sheets. I had already cleaned them before your response was posted, but I did take your advice for future incidents.
Catching up with Eleanor, she of The Jizzcliner:
I am happy to provide follow up as the reaction to my question absolutely killed me.
Your advice did work (hail OxiClean) but I waited until the last second before moving to clean it. I am a neurotic cleaner but as this is something you don’t typically come across everyday, I wasn’t sure how to clean it without making it worse so your expert advice was appreciated!
I am still with my boyfriend and the recliner. The recliner is on its way out with our next move though 🙂
I told him I wrote to you after I saw the question was published so I could read him the panic and hatred incited in the comments section. He was slightly annoyed and embarrassed but it was his fault in the first place?
I never entered the comments section myself because I loved watching it play out and I wasn’t sure if providing the real story would make it better or worse. I’m not sure if your readers will want the real story but if they do—we didn’t incorporate the lazy boy into our sex life. As a disgusting teen boy, he would use the chair as a type of “jerk off throne” and use the arm in place of a tissue. The chair was then used as a hamper for many years so he never cleaned it. I don’t really have any other defense except this was his grossest thing and love is blind? He is an awesome dude and now we have a clean chair so I think we are doing alright.
You know? I think you’re all doing alright!
Also, if this Clean Person thing doesn’t work out, I’m considering a career in matchmaking.
***
For more fun with cleaning, check out the trailer for Jolie’s book and join her and moderator Bobby Finger at the book launch event at PowerHouse Arena on February 26th at 7pm.
Tags: ask a clean person, books, buy her book it’s super great, JIZZCLINER SPEAKS, jolie kerr
Hey Toasties!! Nicole graciously bumped this post up so I could hang with you for an hour or so before my Reddit AMA starts. (That will happen here, come over and join me. They’re … terrifying over there. GULP. http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1ydt…
Anyway. Hey! How are you guys?
Congrats on the book! I’m excited to read it and for my life to magically become cleaner and better.
Will you be advising Reddit to get rid of their trolls, they’re revolting?
God I don’t even know if I dare to do so. Man, brutal crowd over there.
They will love you!
They’re already being mean! It hasn’t even started yet! (I mean whatever, they can’t possibly out-mean the Jezebel commenters so I’m sure I’ll be okay.)
I’ll downvote all the mean ones!
SO PROUD OF YOU!
Okay, so the full story I referenced on Twitter: My mom has dentures on her top teeth, and was talking during our last weekly chat about looking for new adhesives. I told her I actually used denture tablets to clean out my coffeepot, and she said – completely unprompted – that they were also excellent for cleaning out a bong. I cracked up and told her I had actually already learned that from a rad internet cleaning advice column, which author now has a book coming out. And yesterday she texted me going “what was the name of the book with the bong cleaning?” So I’m going to get her a copy. And one for my sister, who is graduating college this spring. HURRAH CLEAN FAMILIES!
And here I’ve only been using denture tablets to clean my retainer. What else have I been missing?!?!?
Bongs & pipes, stained Tupperware, vases, jewelry (metals, hard gems—NOT to be used on pearls, opals, anything soft). They’re so great.
Seriously doing this as soon as I get home tonight. PARTY AT MY HOUSE THIS WEEKEND.
Edit: because, you know, CLEAN TUPPERWARE IS A PARTY. >_>
At what point is a gem hard, Mohs wise? I’d love to clean my tourmaline ring this way, but I’m nervous about it. Sometimes toothbrush + dish soap just doesn’t feel like enough.
Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem.
Denture tablets can also be used to clean the lime (?) crusted on your shower head!
For a sec I thought that URL said “Pro-Life Tips” and I was like “GTFO OF THERE, THIS SOUNDS TERRIBLE”
HIIII CONGRATS ON THE BOOK!!!! <3
I’m doing great! Thanks for checking in!
I went to buy the book at my local independent book store (as one does), and took the last one, off the “As Heard On NPR” shelf. Now I am sad I didn’t hear you on NPR! But pleased that you sold out at this one store, at least. PS: You should do an event at Porter Square Books some time.
Jolie, thanks to you, I’ve made my bed every day since LAMOB. Sometimes not right when I get up. A few times I’ve made it at like 11pm and then immediately gotten into it.
Yessssssssss. I’m doing LAMOB again this year! You’ll have to chime in and tell the skeptics your story 🙂
Isn’t it great?? I make my bed maybe 80% of the time and it makes my whole bedroom just feel so much better. I should have done it this morning.
I’m still struggling with LAMOB, but I’ve found that this year I’m much better about it. I think it’s because my current bed arrangement has a duvet instead of a top sheet, which makes the bed-making process much more efficient (somehow my top sheet would always get tangled up).
Oh my gosh, I’m doing LAMOB right now and it scares me how much it’s working.
Jolie! I’ve cleaned two out of my three bookcases this month because of you! (Doubt I’ll get to the third because midterms, but very glad I made it this far!) It seemed like such a small thing but it makes my place feel super shiny and fresh. Thanks!
YAY!
I am ASTONISHED that the jizzcliner IS STILL IN HER LIFE. OH GOD. FULL-BODY SHUDDERS.
Also, Jolie, you have made me a cleaner person and a person who is just generally much more sensitive to cleanness and clutter. My parents were extremely lackadaisacal and I missed out on a lot of this stuff, and it really helps to know I’m not the only one asking these questions. (Even if I didn’t fully clean my bookshelf this month like I was supposed to. BUT SOON.)
I’ll give you a bookshelf extension into March. BUT BY APRIL 1 I WANT THOSE SHELVES IN TIP TOP SHAPE, YOUNG LADY. (LOL no whatever, take your time!)
For real. And the fact that SHE cleaned it!!! Mega girlfriend points. Maybe this is why I am not in a relationship, but any dude who wanted to move his in-lieu-of-tissue recliner in with me would have been handed the Oxi and given a Look.
Yes. You jizz on a chair, you must clean that chair according the directions I provide before it enters my home, I can almost see looking past the existence of jizz chair, but if you are unwilling to abide my jizz chair rules of clean the goddamn jizz chair this does not bode well for you in our relationship. He better at least have offered to help clean his jizz chair.
I physically recoiled when I read how it came to be, uh, stained. SERIOUSLY? JERK OFF THRONE? It can only be truly cleansed with fire, I’m sorry.
Boys are just gross. I’m not even going to add a qualifier to that.
The words Jerk Off Throne made me put down my late afternoon snack.
Jolie! You have made me the happiest woman ALIVE by posting that Jizzcliner update. It has become legend amongst me and my friends, and I used to positively stalk the comments thread for that post hoping for more from the question-asker. So glad to see the chair is no longer… covered.
I was SO scared she was going to tell me the Q was a fake.
Really? Because I am . . . not comforted by the knowledge that there exists such a thing.
I feel like the Jizzcliner is following me. I fear running into it in a dark alley. I fear that my own recliner will remain clean and unsullied and then one day I will discover a portrait of Jizzcliner in the attic. WHY WON’T YOU JUST GET RID OF IT OH MY GOD
Hello there.
http://nooooooooooooooo.com/
I just got so nostalgic for Ask A Clean Person that I welled up a little bit. I knwo its still going on but I just remembered in one giant blast how much I love that column! And also the comments.
Thanks for writing this Jolie, you made my home a cleaner place and congrats on your book!
Aww thanks lady! When I talked to Jen Doll for The Hairpin there were definitely a few points at which my voice got a little shaky—it was emotional to remember how much writing that column saved me during a really hard time in my life.
Im glad you liked writing it. On an emotional note I started reading that column when I was pretty unhappy and it inspired me to take better care of myself.
On a less emotional note, I just giggled myself silly reading the recommendations for butt wiping on the skidmarks question!
I feel slightly sad for the Hairpin that this is running here instead of there… 🙁
It’s okay! She is making the rounds of all the sites who love her and did a Q&A there yesterday, we told her to write anything she wanted for us.
Yes! I just read the hairpin Q and A and is also lovely.
No need to feel sad! The HP wanted to do a Q&A with me and really focus on process-y stuff because they felt their readers would be most interested in learning more about how I started writing the column, got the book deal, handle questions, etc. When Nicole and I talked I was like, “Can we do something really off the wall for The Toast?” and she said yes because she’s a saint 🙂
Oh my gods, I forgot I loved AaCP. I only stumbled across it once or twice, but seriously. So much live.
Also, the Jizzcliner. I just… that’s love, right there.
Jolie! I’m so happy to see you on the Toast and that your book is coming out, I will be buying that up ASAP. Congrats!
I’ve written you a few times in the past few years with cleaning issues; once about homebrew all over our apartment kitchen (which mostly came up, thank you… and then he did it again, and I have to admit I threw my hands up in the air and decided he had to clean it up or it was just going to stay that way and now we’ve moved out of there and we never quite got all of it up that second time. Eerp. We are awful) and then once very recently about an orange stain on the hardwoods in our new house which I have yet to tackle, but will as soon as I’ve gotten everything unpacked, as having the house half-unpacked is apparently doing quite a number on my mental health. So that needs to happen fast. Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for Ask a Clean Person, I don’t know where I’d be without it. I’ve been reading since you started the column and I am always talking you up to all my friends, who now think I’m a bit of a weirdo about cleanliness. But whatever! That’s OK! Better than squalor!
HELLOOOOOOO!! The homebrew Q is in the book! (I got back to you about that orange stain, right? I remember reading that email.)
YAY It’s in the book!! I’m stupidly excited, haha. And yes, you got back to me about the orange stain — magic eraser or carefully-administered rubbing alcohol. I am on it!
ALSO! I just remembered that in the thread under the Homebrew Q, we totally went off on a tangent and you suggested the Butter London PDQuick topcoat and nail foundation to me and I bought them and NOW I’M IN LOVE. I will now forever have this $20-each basecoat-and-topcoat addiction and it is entirely thanks to you. I’m sure my wallet will send you a therapy bill.
THE BEST STUFF EVER
Jolie! Congrats on your book! I am so excited for Year of the Clean Person, and I’ve already mostly-cleaned the dining room shelving unit (which I did instead of my bookshelf because my bookshelf is fine)!
” so I could read him the panic and hatred incited in the comments section”
I love you Mrs. Jizzcliner. You do you, honey.
I honestly love her so much. Everyone should have a partner as accepting and good-natured as she is.
Conversely, no one should have a partner like Master Jizzcliner.
Jolie, thanks to you I: (1) always wash our workout clothes with baking soda, (2) cleaned our apartment’s stovetop to an actual hue of white instead of the shade of greyish yellow brown it was when we moved in (more baking soda!), and (3) have gotten my partner to share my Clean Person fandom (he consulted your advice regarding our disgusting shower curtain). I can’t wait to get home tonight because your book will be there waiting for me!
Also, I don’t know if this is an okay spot to ask this question, but can you tell me more about your wedding bands? I think they are totally cool and wonder about what made you decide to go the multiple-band route and whether you wear all the colors every day in the same order or if you switch it up.
Oh sure, happy to talk about my rings! (For those of you who are curious, this is what she’s talking about: http://instagram.com/p/ekO7e1N-HQ/)
So the main thing is that I didn’t have an engagement ring. Here’s how we got engaged: Our song, September by Earth, Wind and Fire came on at brunch and my husband said, “We should get married on September 21.” “Agreed! But it’s on a Saturday this year so it’s now or never.” “Let’s do it.” (I still made him call my dad and formally propose though!) He asked if I wanted a ring and I said no—a traditional engagement ring would just get in my way while I’m banging around with the bleach, ya know?
When we went to look for our wedding rings, I ended up liking two and put them on together and was like, “Ooooh I want them both together!” Because I am a greedy brat. And then a million things went wrong with those rings and I had to go back to the drawing board, which is how I ended up with the set of 4 stacked rings.
The green one is my actual wedding band, blessed by The Church and all. So I pretty much ALWAYS wear that one, and always at the base of my finger because I believe in that “closest to the heart” bullhonkey. The others I switch up depending on my outfits and mood. I’m trying to get more comfortable with sometimes not wearing the green one but I’m still enough of a newlywed that I feel somehow bad about not wearing the Officially Church Sanctioned ring? It’s insane. I’m not even really that Catholic. Just nuts.
RELATED QUESTION: Jolie, how often do you clean your rings? And what do you use???
I don’t have a set schedule (I should) but when I clean them I use denture tablets.
Raise your hand if you have ever googled “Jizzcliner” because you couldn’t remember the best way to get semen off of your couch. [Thanks, Jolie!!!]
[DIES]
we didn’t incorporate the lazy boy into our sex life
Words to live by! Oh wait do you mean the chair
Jolie!!! You answered my question about the best way to get butter off your linoleum floor and out of every crevice of your kitchen! I CAN’T WAIT TO BUY YOUR BOOK! And give it as a gift! So many gifts! Is it available in Canada yet???
I think so?! Yay!
It totally is available in Canada, on amazon.ca and at Chapters (which I know because I work there and unpacked it this morning and proceeded to actually die of joy). Also probably independent booksellers, but I do not know of such things.
Hey gang, I’ve gotta split for the Reddit thing but come on over there if you want! http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1ydt…
Also, just saw that the book is #34 on Amazon. Holy Jizzcliner, Batman!
<3 u all like Bleachie.
I highly enjoy that after preordering the book, Amazon also pitched My Life In Middlemarch to me.
Jolie! Thank you (from a long-time lurker) for introducing me to the correct uses of Oxyclean, vinegar, and bleachie. I managed to follow LAMOB for about five months (I fell off that wagon during extended pregnancy bedrest), and I’m ready to get started again. (We did manage to keep up with a rule that no clothes ever go on the floor, which means we never have to pick up clothes.)
Did anyone else know that there’s a gentler version of Oxyclean for babies? I have a kid with ridiculously sensitive skin, and I cheered out loud at my grocery store when I found this stuff. It’s never made her skin flare up, and gets rid of all her disgusting stains. (Get rid of your babies; they’re disgusting.)
What is it called? is it just called oxyclean gentle? I ask because I had been talking to my boyfriend about oxyclean (as you do [thanks jolie!]) and he got all excited about using it to handwash his boxers (I guess…so they’d last longer without a trip to the laundromat?) and he had an unfortunate allergic reaction and it was sad for both of us. And he’s been too scared to handwash anything since.
I believe it’s called Oxyclean Baby, and it’s in a spray bottle. I hope it helps!
That’s awesome, thanks for sharing!!
That’s the best, thanks!
JOLIE! I am thrilled to see you at The Toast. Also, thank you for always answering my stupid questions on the internet (bottle of red wine in leather satchel; white collar black dress; pen stains on everything), you’re marvelous.
Thanks lady!!
Congratulations on your book! I always enjoyed your column in The Hairpin and delighted in the ensuing commentary (although I cannot say the same for Jezebel…sheesh…what is going ON over there?).
ANYWAY, you a talented and wonderful writer with an amazing sense of humour. Good luck on Reddit!
Girl you did NOT hear me say this but … yeah. Oof. But come to Deadspin, it’s NO JOKE a safe space for clean and not-so-clean people!
JOLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. YOU CLEAN GODDESS. I think I speak for us all when I say I’m so delighted to see you conquering the Internet. Thank you for introducing me to the glory of Oxyclean, my filthy sandals and dingy whites thank you.
A question for you! What is the best way to clean/freshen an upholstered couch? I have inherited my parent’s wonderful old indestructible plaid couch and I’m trying to figure out the best way to remove it of twenty-some years of steady use. It doesn’t smell bad or have weird stains, it’s just a little worn out from people napping on it and dogs scratching themselves against the arms.
I have the same question!! My couch is made of performance velvet and I’m unsure of what to do because it’s not slipcovered. I can unzip the cushions (but not the back or legs or anything) and wash them (with what?) but I’m worried about keeping the rest of it fresh. Can I mist it with a vinegar/water/essential oil mix? Or is there a spray on furniture soap?
Also my mother told me to scotchguard the couch. I haven’t yet because I’m lazy but if I scotchguard it does that change the cleaning technique?
I need to know what “performance velvet” is, stat. But I do remember hearing that cushions have zippers because it’s a way to make them fit closely, not to make them cleanable.
Beware washing, they will likely shrink.
Try renting one of those steam cleaners for upholstery and carpet—the rental will only run you about $30 and will make a big difference.
Ah, thank you! <3 u, CP!
Jerk off throne.
Jerk. Off. Throne.
jerkoffthrone
I am horrified by this whole thing.
Haha we basically posted the exact same thing.
But Jolieeeeeeee where am I going to polish my nails if not propped up in bed with Netflix and wine? IT’S PART OF MY RITUAL.
Jolie! You are so delightful and I love how your columns are helpful and wonderful but also so kind. And the baking soda/vinegar trick you taught us to use cleaning burned gunk off of stovetops works every damn time.
Now THIS, as they say, is a GET
Jolie, I bothered you a million years ago about how to find undershirts with long enough sleeves that they actually protected my nice shirts and wool sweaterdresses from anti-perspirant. I have an answer now! Uniqlo makes undershirts (called airism and heat-tech) that are super-thin, scoop-neck, and are tight/stretchy enough that they don’t make clothes look weird. And at $13, they’re less of a stretch for me than silk or Petit Bateau. The only issue is that because they’re some weird magic synthetic, I can’t Oxiclean the white one and it’s getting dingy. But that’s why it’s an undershirt!
YES! I remember you! That was when we all admitted that we’re all wearing slips and shopping at the Vermont Country Store!!
Jerk-off throne.
Jerk-off throne.
JERK-OFF THRONE.
*is dead forever
Oh man, how come the Toastie going by the name of Jizzcliner hasn’t popped up on this post?
The Jizzcliner origin story is worse than I though possible.
I literally looked up your old columns yesterday because I was cleaning my stove and you’re the only clean person I trust! Can’t wait to get the book.
Also: jerk off throne. Oh my GOD. What is wrong with men?
I love going around to my favorite sites and finding Jolie on all of them!
I… always sort of thought that the jizzcliner story was fake? Sorry, ms. jizzcliner. *shudder.*
Anyways, thanks to Jolie, I now buy oxiclean in bulk, so there’s that, at least.
Jolieeeee! I am a slob by nature but you have helped teach me so many things. I don’t always DO them all but you make me feel less afraid of being Clean. Your book arrived today and I am so excited to go home and read it while not spilling a glass of wine all over my couch!
I’m so glad to have an origin story!
I love you Jolie Kerr. I love that you replied to my (brief) email of adoration that didn’t even include a cleaning question. Imma go to a real live bookstore & buy your book.
I cleaned out my bookshelves this month! My boyfriend only had to spend a week stepping over a pile of books during the process, which all things considered is NOT BAD. Unfortunately he excluded his books from the process and now there’s no room for them on the shelves. (Spacing, you know? Because there will be more). Anyway, that’s his problem.
I bought three copies! I have really wanted one! And then I kept thinking of people who should own this book!
So glad to see the chair is no longer… covered.
So glad to see the chair is no longer… covered.
On the weekend I told my cousin about the jizzcliner and we spent a good hour or so reading the comments aloud to each other and HOWLING with laughter.
The gift that keeps on giving. I think I might have to buy her a copy of the book.