The Joy of Fucking Recipes: An Interview -The Toast

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Erica Stratton’s last exploration into the bowels of the internet took her to The SCP Foundation.

Tumblr is absolutely crammed with food blogs, from recipes every hour to ones that only focus on pretty food. But then there’s Fucking Recipes, a uniquely foul-mouthed food blog that calls its readers “TALENTED AND MAJESTIC WARRIORS.”

Reading Fucking Recipes is like perusing a cookbook from an alternate universe where Julia Child has been reincarnated as a benevolent Viking, urging you towards your most fabulously death-metal self. (Sample quote from a post musing on the taste of tomatoes: “SO KEEP ROCKING HARD YOU BEAUTIFUL DRAGONSLAYER~ YOU SIT UPON A THRONE OF MAJESTIC BADASSERY, AND OUR DIFFERING PERCEPTIONS OF TASTE WILL LEAD TO A NEW AGE OF COOKERY AND JUSTICE.”) Every recipe is, naturally, in all caps, and the recipes run the gamut from booze frosting (“BEAT SOME MILK WITH A FLOGGER UNTIL 1/2 CUP OF SOFT BUTTER ARISES FROM THE WHITE DEPTHS”) to chicken-bacon alfredo (“GET YOUR FAVORITE MINION TO WATCH THE POT FOR YOU AND KEEP IT FROM TRYING TO BOIL OVER.”) There’s tips for difficult kitchen things, like peeling kiwis, and even a recipe for cornbread in Latin.

Fucking Recipes has gotten so popular on Tumblr that you can now buy the cookbook. Its also spawned a Tumblr (Fucking Conversations) that’s not about cooking. Still, almost nothing is known about its mysterious author. However! Using the power of my Viking ancestors, I have managed to contact Fucking Recipes (hereafter known as FR) and delve into the most secret parts of their life.

ES: The biggest mystery of Fucking Recipes is Who You Are. What do you do when you’re not writing recipes?

FR: You know, that’s honestly the most common question I get, aside from recipe suggestions and “Is this blog run by Karkat?” To be honest, I try to keep my personal details a bit distanced from the blog’s content, but readers could probably pick a few things up if they powered through the posts.

When I’m not writing recipes or generally browsing the internet, you can find me playing with my pets, creating designs for articulated wings or dancing at a park or club. I’m quite fond of Swing Dance, and I have a restlessness that will drive me up the wall if I don’t occupy myself constantly.

ES: Related: What’s your cooking background? Are you self-taught?

FR: Self-taught, I suppose that would be the term. I’ve never gone to official classes, but I did pay attention to grandparents, parents and friends when they created interesting food. I’d give credit to them for teaching me. The internet helped a lot as well. My curiosity about things is constantly fed with the help of Google.

The restaurant work I’ve done was assistant level – deep frying things, grilling, chopping, refilling sauces, basic-ass stuff like that. Nothing insanely educational as far as culinary skills go.

ES: When did you decide to TALK LIKE THIS? Or was the writing style of Fucking Recipes bestowed on you in a dream from the gods?

FR: A DREAM FROM THE INTERNET GODS!

250px-306AggronThere was a meme going around [around a year ago] where people would describe something using a plethora of creative insults and swearing. My favorite was a description of the Pokemon Aggron. Whenever I read it, I couldn’t help but cackle with glee. It was the combination of unique descriptive imagery and over-the-top enthusiasm that I really loved, though I could care less for the insults. I had an epiphany that it would sound amazing when describing a recipe, and here we are. The all-caps just fit.

ES: You call your readers “talented and majestic motherfuckers.” What about your readers inspires such Thor-like fervor?

FR: I’m just full of emotions about my readers. Seriously, have you SEEN the shit they’ve pulled off?

Every day, I go through all the reblogs and see what comments people make when they share my recipes and am delighted. There are further suggestions, [like] ways to make a recipe vegan or gluten-free. If I mention an odd dish, there’s always someone with more info on it.

This past summer I hosted a photo scavenger hunt, with a list of ridiculous tasks that participants had to photograph or record. Some of them I honestly thought were unreasonable, but people managed to do it anyway! The creativity and effort I’ve seen from my readers constantly astounds and delights me.

ES: When did you realize you were changing people’s lives with your recipes?

FR: In the first reblogs I had, someone commented “This made me laugh. I needed that!”

That kind of thing is really beautiful to me. I only have three tenets in life: “Live happily, Do no intentional harm, Help others to be happy.” When I found out I could make people laugh and smile, even for a moment, through creative writing, I ended up pouring my heart into that task.

A few months into it (and a surprising number of followers later) a member of a Rescue Squad submitted a result of some stuffed Spaghetti Bread. They said it was easy-to-follow and helped feed the people who were running around in ambulances, that I had helped them and thus helped save lives. It was a punch in the gut as far as significance goes.

Screen Shot 2014-02-27 at 12.12.03 PMES: What do you do with the money you make from the Fucking Recipes cookbook?

FR: Currently used for mundane things: gas, food, living supplies. Hooray for post-grad unemployment.

ES: What’s been your biggest cooking disaster? (Or does your personal unicorn iron things out when you make a mistake?)

FR: I wish my unicorn could take back mistakes. When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to bake some muffins for my mum. She was really sick, but still managed to take care of me and my brother as well as the house and a large garden. I decided to make a double-batch, but somewhere along the way I figured baking soda and baking powder were the same thing…as well as mistaking teaspoon for tablespoon. Instead of three teaspoons of baking powder, I added three tablespoons of baking soda.

The muffins turned out hard as rocks, and horribly bitter. I felt terrible– I had wanted to make something nice, but ended up wasting a ton of expensive ingredients and making a mess of things. Since then, I’ve burnt water, exploded eggs and cut off a bit of my thumb with a potato slicer, but it was the muffin incident that always felt the most disastrous in my memory.

Erica Stratton is a DC writer who will totally build her own sci-fi armor someday. She tweets @meanderingwhale.

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