Psst, wanna buy a used purity ring, proceeds to be donated to Planned Parenthood?
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What happened to the real Patsey?
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Longform has a collection of stories on cruises (a.k.a. terrifying death boats filled with poop.) I am mostly telling you about this collection because it has Caity Weaver’s account of Paula Deen’s cruise, which is…oh, God, she is a straight-up genius.
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If you were inspired/motivated by Caitlin Keefe Moran’s piece on being an abortion clinic escort, and you’re in the NYC area, there’s a training session at NOW-NYC next Tuesday night (the 11th) at 6:30pm. Check it out!
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I destroyed my weekend by listening to all my Nick Drake songs. Then I started to listen to Beck’s “Sea Change,” and stopped before it was too late.
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A Toastie who lost her kidneys to the same disease that took Harold Ramis asked me to pop in information on donating to the Vasculitis Foundation, which does great work.
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An article about 84 Charing Cross Road. LINK.
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If I were in L.A. on Wednesday night (I have only ever had THE BEST TIME in L.A., incidentally), I would definitely go to this, I am a real sucker for educational films. Guaranteed to stir up conflicted grade school memories in cis and trans women alike!
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This is sober sex.
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How would John Travolta mess up YOUR name?
Tags: feminism, link roundup, the internet
“Terrifying death-boats filled with poop” is the most dead-on accurate description of cruises I have ever read. I’m so glad someone else understands why cruises are horrifying and to be avoided at all costs.
My dude really wants to take one and I can only respond “BUT POOP!!!” 🙁 🙁 :***(
I’ve been on one cruise in my life, and on the first day the water was so choppy that about 80% of the boat was vomiting. It was everywhere. And then I had to get a shot in my butt to help with the seasickness, and I never get seasick!
Stuck in a floating metal box surrounded by vomiting strangers, and then having to get a needle stuck in my ass to keep me from vomiting as well? THAT IS ALL OF MY NIGHTMARES, ALL OF THEM.
As someone whose ass has been stuck twice as an adult (once for vomiting, once for the need for massive antibiotics), I can tell you that it’s painful, but less of a long-term nightmare than being stuck in a floating box surrounded by vomiting strangers.
And all the people going missing! I feel like I am usually pretty good at thinking critically about mass media hysteria, but stories about cruise ships turn me to a whimpering mess.
haha, butt poop
Even just reading the synopses of these stories makes me relieved I made it through my one-and-only cruise a couple of years ago relatively unscathed.
I went on a cruise with my family during the norwalk virus scare a few years back… and got the norwalk virus. Worst vacation ever.
One of my mom’s friends went on a cruise with her husband and THEN HE DIED MID-CRUISE, SO SHE HAD TO STAY ON THE DEATH BOAT WITH HER DEAD HUSBAND. Just NO. I’d love to see Alaska from the water but I’d also like an exit strategy that doesn’t involve smaller boats.
AUGH
WHAT
NO
Alaska Sea Highway? That’s my plan. But if there are any horror stories LET ME KNOW NOW.
I would rather have pooping stomach virus forever than to go through that.
I was in the hospital last week, and got into a hilarious discussion with an infectious disease specialist about norovirus, and “Why the hell all those people keep getting on those damn boats?!?!” He was just outraged by the sheer unwillingness to weigh risk properly. And then he ended it by saying, “Well, I guess for some people, it’s just their *thing*” and I couldn’t help but think “their thing…is poop.”
Poop, old people, and creepy waiters who give you vodka when you asked for water.
That story about Rebecca Coriam is damn horrifying.
YES. I have read it before and I will read it again. Cruises are bad news, man.
“But there’s nothing dark or sinister going on. This is Disney.”
UM.
The line with the chocolates piling up on her pillow! Oh my god.
“I don’t know anything about it,” he says. There’s a long silence. “It didn’t happen,” he says. He looks at me. “You know that’s the answer I have to give.”
Creepy!!
Matilda Crawzford, reporting for…something.
Maria Berzy Crarter here with you.
(Crarter?)
Teigan Hargision here!
Ewan Rodrayguns present and totally incorrect.
Rhys Suzzivan, at your service.
Hector Sancheez, which I confess is actually better than my real name.
guys i need help deciding which glasses to get and I cant wait for open thread!!!
https://twitter.com/corinnefay/status/44085998691…
I think right. They’re more neutral/ will match with more things. But they both look nice.
I like the right ones!
I vote right! I think the shape is just a tiny wee bit more flattering. They’re both cute though!
I’m a semi-reformed optometric assistant and I vote left! (Semi-reformed professional opinion). Both super-cute though!
I vote right!
I vote right too! Also, WP is the best!!!!
I vote right! The shape is a little better suited to your features (they seem to fit your eyes better) and they are less distracting in color than the tortoiseshell. They’re both cute, but I like those.
I vote for the ones on the right (though you look lovely in both).
Right!
I like both, which is not particularly helpful lol… but I think I vote right
The ones on the right are look so good on you!
As someone who sometimes works in PR, the sentence “fans fans love loves people Paula her some having.” is all too true.
My brain hurts now.
wait, what? for real, what does this mean?
haha, it’s from the Caity Weaver story… she’s making fun of the fact that the publicist keeps repeating the same thing over and over.
I actually did read the story – but for the life of me I have no idea what that sentence is supposed to mean. Is that literally what Paula’s publicist kept repeating, or a paraphrased approximation? I am just trying to parse it like a real sentence and coming up empty.
I assumed it was a joke – making fun of the fact that the publicist was repeating various iterations of the same thing over and over again to the point where it just sounds like a jumble. “Paula loves having fans. People love Paula. Paula loves her fans.” etc.
Ahhh okay that makes more sense, thank you! I guess my brain wanted it to be a semantic puzzle like Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo.
hahaha, I could be wrong! but thats how I interpreted it and I definitely laughed out loud. I can totally relate to trying to say something in enough different ways that it eventually just sounds like robot jumble.
Fans love her. Paula loves having fans-people?
UGH WHY IS THIS SO HARD. (Am I just an idiot? I must just be an idiot.)
1) I spend so much time in the Longform archives. It is the perfect place to find things to read while I am doing busywork (folding letters, etc).
2) That Paula Deen cruise article is sheer brilliance.
3) Will drinking coffee with water ease the upset stomach that comes from drinking coffee on an empty stomach?
re: #3: go with milk or half n half or a dairy substitute. I think it evens out the acidity of the coffee?
Thank you! I’m using almond milk because the cafe behind my work carries it so I stock up to supplement the Keurig. (There is no convenience store on this block where I could just get milk).
even better – a latte? milk + less caffeine
I hate the week before payday. Maybe an almond milk homemade latte? Lots of almond milk/small setting on the Keurig?
“Homemade.” Work-made.
Sounds like a perfectly serviceable cafe au lait to me.
Nicole, it is your editorial duty to poach Caity Weaver from Gawker.
I second this wholeheartedly.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA just after we get idris elba to do our TV coverage i’ll get right on that
If it helps, I can provide a human-sized butterfly net.
You guys, the GQ Kid Rock Cruise article from Longform is the best: “As we wait for Rock to take the stage on deck 12, a couple I meet share a valuable piece of cruise-drinking advice. “Always ask for the wheelchair,” says the wife. “Because then they’ll roll you back to the cabin if you’re too shitfaced to stand.” There are nine people aboard who are actually disabled, and I spend the rest of the cruise trying to figure out who’s got ALS and who is merely drunk beyond functionality.” LOVE IT.
For whatever reason I tend to conflate purity rings, NuvaRings, and cock rings, which meant that it took me a second to work out what “used” would mean in this context.
I’m right there with you.
The Q&A section on that listing is amazing, however.
“rings that involve sex organs in some way”
Aw, 84 Charing Cross Road is my favourite. Thanks for sharing that lovely article.
I highly recommend reading the GQ piece on the Kid Rock cruise. It avoids condescension and the writer’s voice is just remarkable. Also, man, those guys know how to party.
Oh geez… the earnest comment on the purity ring bidding Qs, “Will true love wait if I’m over 40?” And the seller answered so nicely. Awww my cynical heart has the sadz.
Oh my gawwwddd the part in the Patsey article where he gets lost and winds up driving the exact perimeter of Epps’ plantation!!! D:
The cruise roundup is missing the Max Silvestri piece on the Top Chef cruise.
I am working my way through the cruise stories. Longform is my jam at lunchtime. The National Review cruise story is almost as delightful as the Paula Deen cruise story . Some demographic overlap there, too, BTW. And who doesn’t enjoy a little casual racism?
Sea Change is a fantastic album. Beck can do no wrong.
Hector Sancheez, which I confess is actually better than my real name.