On May 30, 2014, I publicly stated that I did not have a racist bone in my body. I must now apologize for unintentionally deceiving the public at large. Only a week later, my doctors informed me that I did, in fact, have one more racist bone left in my body.
As you are no doubt already aware, members of my family are genetically predisposed to racist bones. I take my condition very seriously, and over the last few years I have been proactively engaged in aggressive racist-bone-removal, resulting in some alarmingly floppy limbs. I do not regret my multiple surgeries. Yes, my left arm bends in an unsettling fashion, but it is a small price to pay to wield a truly color-blind appendage, which I can now drape proudly over my best friend, who happens to be black.
Although I had believed that I was completely cured of my debilitating condition last month, I was wrong. Initial x-rays had given me a clean bill of health, but one last racist bone in my body was been lodged in the lower section of my ribcage, angled in a way that was difficult to detect and even harder to confirm until we performed a thorough battery of MRI scans.
As I have emphasized in the past, I am truly shocked and dismayed that my bones have been collaborating in an insidious cultural institution of systematic oppression, resulting in disparate levels of mortality, poverty, incarceration, education, income, wealth, and nearly every other extrinsic measure of human well-being.
Due to the gravity of my latest diagnosis, I elected to undergo a drastic emergency surgery to have the racist bone removed. The procedure was successful, and you can now rest assured that I am now definitely not a racist.
Attached are my X-rays and some unstaged photos of me with some smiling minorities. I will continue to be vigilant in case of remission, and will be visiting my doctor annually to have my privilege checked.
Once again, I apologize for my unintentionally deceptive statements, and hope that you can see I have taken all possible steps in curing myself of racism. Except actually attempting to end racism, but you know, I really don’t think that has anything to do with me at all, especially since I no longer have any racist bones in my body.
[Image via]
Tags: humor, racism, racist bones, sarah jeong
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First-rate stuff.
Someone with The Twitter should send this to Jamelle Bouie. He will definitely get a kick out of it.
Excellent.
“I’m not racist, but yes I definitely am.”
Yes, my left arm bends in an unsettling fashion, but it is a small price to pay to wield a truly color-blind appendage, which I can now drape proudly over my best friend, who happens to be black.
I’m snorting aloud like a manic in this bagel shop, and I’m looking up to see who’s staring at me, and right there in front of me is a table full of 8 business-attire young people and it’s the most Benetton-ad-worthy gathering of prettiness & diversity I’ve ever seen in my life.
And then I started giggling, and they wisely went back to talking about spreadsheets loudly in an attempt to ignore me.
I dunno, I can’t see a racist actually going through all these invasive medical tests. It’s not like they want access to birth control or anything.
TIL that being supportive of reproductive rights = incapable of racism.
Ah, sorry! You’re right, that’s a false dichotomy. I was thinking of one ideology that racism is by no means limited to.
What about racist boners though?
“I’ll show Batman just how many boners a racist can make!”
definitely not racist here – i saw a white guy give a summary/opinion of the reparations piece online.
” will be visiting my doctor annually to have my privilege checked”
Hee!!
“Attached are my X-rays and some unstaged photos of me with some smiling minorities.” definitely made me think of my favorite/also terrible site, http://humanitariansoftinder.com/
I also love http://gurlgoestoafrica.tumblr.com/
I’m concerned about my cartilage. Is there a pill I can take, or…?
Yep. Just feel like saying to these people “It’s ok bro, you messed up. Just apologize & learn!” but they’d rather put energy into declaring themselves a 100% racism free zone despite whatever evidence to the contrary just fell out their mouths.
May I use this as a way to bring up the Jonah Hill thing? Thank you.
Apologize and learn for sure, but even after apologies it is unnerving that THAT is the racist/homophobic stuff that spews from your face in heated or unguarded moments. The declarations of themselves as a 100% racism free zone seem to me a cry of “but this is not who I really am!” and I’m like “bro, you might be.”
Right, because that word just flew out of his mouth out of nowhere? I mean, there are at least 100 potentially offensive things I would instinctively call someone who was harassing me, and what he said is not among them, because it’s not a thing I think about people.
Exactly!! That word just isn’t even a part of my internal dialogue and doesn’t even OCCUR to me to say when I am angry at someone.
YES this. Same w the Paula Deen thing “Oh I called someone an N word because he mugged me or whatever” but it was in your head to say like, I’ve been street harassed by a lot of black guys and got flashed by one but it would literally never have occurred to me to call any of them the N word because (a) I don’t use that word (or other racial slurs as far as I know) and (b) I don’t associate slurs with behaviors done by the people they pertain to. It insinuates that their race is somehow linked to the thing you’re mad about.
BLAMMO, truth. And being able to acknowledge that this twisted perspective persists not just outside in the world but inside your own head isn’t a failure; it’s the first step in learning to dismantle that bigotry.
For example, I have a go-to insult that I would never, ever use in person but which I have heard pop into my own head with alarming frequency: “skank.” I said it out loud the other night while watching TV, then immediately started dissecting what that word says about me rather than the TV personality I aimed it at. It says that I have internalized the unwinnably complex sexual standards imposed on women, including myself, to such an extent that some part of me feels free to judge other women by them and even thinks it’s fun and pleasurable to do so.
That’s useful information, both about myself and about my society, and denying that this impulse lurks within me would prevent me from understanding and correcting it.
Reflexive defensiveness just undermines the honest self-examination that individuals and communities need to perform in order to work again our prejudices. We have them, either consciously or unconsciously; pretending we don’t is just obfuscating instead of improving.
lollll this is so excellent.
Like John Mayer?
Right, because that word just flew out of his mouth out of nowhere? I mean, there are at least 100 potentially offensive things I would instinctively call someone who was harassing me, and what he said is not among them, because it's not a thing I think about people.
Snort-laughed AND flashed back to my favorite Ray Bradbury story (last line: “It was when the jellyfish called you by name…”). Beautiful.
Snort-laughed AND flashed back to my favorite Ray Bradbury story (last line: "It was when the jellyfish called you by name…"). Beautiful.
I also love http://gurlgoestoafrica.tumblr.com/
Exactly!! That word just isn't even a part of my internal dialogue and doesn't even OCCUR to me to say when I am angry at someone.
Ah, sorry! You're right, that's a false dichotomy. I was thinking of one ideology that racism is by no means limited to.
BLAMMO, truth. And being able to acknowledge that this twisted perspective persists not just outside in the world but inside your own head isn't a failure; it's the first step in learning to dismantle that bigotry.
For example, I have a go-to insult that I would never, ever use in person but which I have heard pop into my own head with alarming frequency: "skank." I said it out loud the other night while watching TV, then immediately started dissecting what that word says about me rather than the TV personality I aimed it at. It says that I have internalized the unwinnably complex sexual standards imposed on women, including myself, to such an extent that some part of me feels free to judge other women by them and even thinks it's fun and pleasurable to do so.
That's useful information, both about myself and about my society, and denying that this impulse lurks within me would prevent me from understanding and correcting it.
Reflexive defensiveness just undermines the honest self-examination that individuals and communities need to perform in order to work again our prejudices. We have them, either consciously or unconsciously; pretending we don't is just obfuscating instead of improving.
This is pretty much perfect. <3<3<3