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TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA RULE THIS BLOG SPACE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!
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(Artist’s rendering of our old hosting provider)
(Artist’s rendering of our new hosting provider as of Monday)
TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA RULE THIS BLOG SPACE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, servers
FRIDAY CAT THREAD!
A bit of a change this week. I want to tell you about Zeus, my parents cat. SORRY, this is really long.
One cold winter a few years ago, my husband and I were going out to a play with my parents. We stupidly locked ourselves out of our house, and we used the bedroom window to break in (this was terrifyingly easy, and I am glad I no longer live there). While he was breaking in, my husband moves a cardboard box out of his way. People often used our back garden as a rubbish dump, as it appeared abandoned and was open.
Two days later, he’s heading out for something else and sees to box. ‘Id better throw that out,’ he thinks. He picks it up, and feels there is a weight in it. The box is a cardboard pet carrier.
His first thought is DEAD ANIMAL.
He opens the box, dreading what he’ll see, and these two amber eyes blink back at him. There is a cat in the box, and the cat is alive. He freezes. We aren’t allowed cats in this house, and he thinks I’ll never let this one go. But he can’t let the poor thing suffer.
While he’s frozen, the cat jumps out and runs away.
He tells me all this, and I decide to go out and buy some food. I can, at least, put a bowl of food out to tempt the cat, and maybe capture it or call the RSPCA. When I get back, I hear mewing. I open the back door, and this gorgeous tabby trots towards me. He has been sitting near the box, because it is the only thing with a familiar smell.
I get him in and feed him (he is thin) and start calling around family and friends. We can’t keep him, we’d lose our flat. Eventually, my parents agree to take him. Their last cat, Olive died a few years before, and they said they’d only have another if ‘one came to them’. I figure this counts. I find out he is a boy cat. My dad arrives to collect him – he refuses to go in the box. My dad zips the boy in his jacket and carries him home that way.
When they take him to the vet, the vet says he was in that box at least three days (winter, remember?) and that he was dehydrated and constipated. He was six months old, and unneutered.
As a family, we name him Zeus, as Zeus was a character in the play we went to see that night.
But someone dumped him in what looked like abandoned ground in the coldest week of the year. They didn’t even open the box. There were clawmarks at the air holes.
But we found him. And now, he is a big, fat, stupid cat who hates enclosed spaces.
We think someone may have been trying to breed show-quality cats or even Bengals, but his markings came out a little smudged and he’s very tabby, so they just got rid of him.
What is the story behind you cat? Or a cat you know?
This is the story of my parents’ dear departed cat.
She showed up as a stray hanging around our house. We lived in a dilapidated victorian at the time, with plenty of nooks and crannies for feral cats to enjoy. We kept seeing her in the garage. I would try to chase her away because I am not a cat person, and was even less of a cat person when I was 11 years old. I didn’t want a cat hanging around our house.
But my parents, who are nicer than I, decided to see if they could catch her and take her to the vet. They did, and what the vet found was that she had been shot as a kitten. She was only 9 months old, and her x-rays showed a dozen or so BBs permanently embedded in her.
And so my parents named her Le Chat (Get it, “shot”? Ha.), and they had her for almost 20 years.
Awww! I love how your dad put him in his jacket and I extra love how he is now fat and stupid and living the good life. <3
He adored my husband and I for two years and now doesn’t remember us at all, which is as it should be. He’s a lovely boy.
My cat fell off the roof of my buddy’s condo into the courtyard where he was grilling. No idea how she got up there – there are no nearby trees, no obvious way to climb the 3 stories (plus it is a slate roof), and none of the neighbors had ever seen the cat before. I choose to believe she was snatched by a bird of prey and then dropped, which is far-fetched, I know.
My buddy kept the cat for a year, because even though he HATES cats, he loves animals in general, and he couldn’t bear to bring it to the pound. So he fed it and bought disposable litter boxes, but otherwise completely ignored the cat. He called her “dude”, as in, “dude, get the hell out of my way”. Eventually, the cat came to know me after frequent visits and was very affectionate. I mentioned that, yeah, I’d like to get a cat someday, and the next day my buddy showed up with the cat in a carrier and basically shoved her at me and drove off.
It took her a while to acclimate to attention, but she is now the most wonderfully funny, talkative cat I’ve ever met. I named her Susan but she answers to Cats-Cats. And she does come when you call, which is wonderful and I love her so much.
Your cat LITERALLY dropped out of the sky.
God, people are the worst. Zeus is a luck baby!
My shameless diva of a cat showed up at the back door of my apartment last summer, shoved her head through a crack in the sliding screen door, and permanently installed herself on the couch. My boyfriend and I spent a few weeks looking for signs around the neighborhood and frequenting the local lost pet websites/facebook groups, but no one seemed to be looking for her and we decided to keep her. I did have a minor heart attack when we took her to the vet for the first time and they found out she had a microchip, but it turned out to be unregistered (they were able to see that it was inserted at a shelter in Indiana, though… I live in Massachusetts). We slapped our names onto that shit like 30 seconds after getting home from the vet, so she is OURS FOREVER.
Look at this face though:
Aw, who could walk away from that little face?
People absolutely are the worst. He could have died in that box in our garden if we hadn’t found him. Poor baby.
Aww, that is such a face!
Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, now asleep on my office chair which I no longer sit on because it’s his chair now, was basically dumped onto me. I’d mentioned once to my friends that when I got more settled in the Netherlands (a PhD position/job, that kind of thing) it’d be nice to adopt a cat- I like cats, and I’ve never had one. Almost immediately after landing a position my friend said that one of her parents’ cats was pregnant, and I should take one of the kittens. I wasn’t sure I wanted to start having cats with a kitten, but well, they needed homes. I took the only boy and gave him the Dutchest footballer name from a player I didn’t currently hate, and that is how a Brabant farm cat became a spoiled city boy who gets spoken to in three languages. Also, he’s the Pope.
I really, really love hearing about Klaas-Jan.
He’s the best little Pope even when he’s being a diva jerk.
Me too. He’s gorgeous.
Just dogs here.
Neighbors moved out and left two dogs locked in the backyard. That’s how we got Sparkles and Marty.
The other neighbor was whipping his dog with a piece of wire, my girlfriend went over and stopped him and took the dog (this was before I met her). That’s how we got Bundle.
Good for your girlfriend!!!
Those are excellent dog names, and your neighbors are terrible, terrible people.
My neighbors are the worst.
The dogs are so great though 🙂
Once my mom and I picked up five cats at a yard sale.
We meant to just pick up a bookcase for my dorm room, but there was a black kitten sitting on it. We admired the kitten and the owner talked us into taking him, then upsold us a mother cat and her two kittens (younger than and unrelated to the black kitten), then ran to the car and threw in a young female cat with a broken tail before we left. I don’t know what was going on there.
They had food and shade in our backyard until we could find them homes. We gave the sibling kittens together to a family, and the mother cat to an older woman. We gave the black kitten to a young couple but missed him immediately, but they actually brought him back because their existing cat didn’t like him, so we enjoyed him for many years (he was a bit of a trickster, but sweet). The broken-tail cat decided she didn’t want to live anywhere else and hid from prospective owners. More than ten years later she is still a loving, hilarious companion for my mom. <3
Way back in the ages of three years ago, Mike and I were living in an apartment complex above one of Mike’s best friends at the time. One evening we walked to a nearby Japanese restaurant for dinner; on the way back, as we closed the gate to get into the complex, we heard mewing, and this wee little three-legged tabby hopped out of the bushes nearby. She looked very scruffy and there are lots of feral cats in the area, so Mike’s friend offered the cat some of his leftover mackerel from the restaurant, and she ate it like she was starving. We didn’t have any pets at the time and Mike didn’t really want any–he loves animals but was enjoying not having to be responsible for one–but I was of the opinion that we couldn’t just let a young three-legged kitty roam around at the mercy of the bigger, more aggressive cats living around there. We asked a downstairs neighbor, who told us that he’d seen her being left behind after another tenant moved out. (I’ll never know if that’s true or not, but it seems not-unlikely.) Mike’s friend had cats, so we brought her to his place–she was very amenable to being cuddled and cared for–and gave her a flea bath, and then took her to our apartment so that we could at least place her at a shelter so she wouldn’t be running wild. Within 24 hours we were both completely in love, and I named her Flat Tire after a three-legged dog in a Gamble Rogers joke.
Flat Tire then:
Flat Tire now:
AHHHH Flat Tire what a cutie baby!
omg I didn’t realize Flat Tire only has three legs SHE IS TOO MUCH ahhhhhh
She had half a leg when we found her–a thigh but it ended in a stump, we called it her pork chop–and we ended up having it amputated after a year-ish because she was always hurting it and screaming, and the vet said that the dead weight would aggravate any tendencies towards arthritis that she would already have.
I adore her!
That is a beautiful cat.
Oh, my heart. Poor Zeus! I’m so glad he found you.
My current heathens are shelter kitties. I got CG & Sere when I was 10 years old, from a friend of a friend who had a cat who had kittens. I loved those cats (especially CG, who was MY BOY) fiercely, and had CG until he was 15 and Sere until she was 17.
Shortly after Sere passed, I was moping around the house. Nothing felt worth coming home to with no cats in the house. (My then-husband took that gracefully, bless his heart.) He turned to me and said, “OK, let’s go get you cats.” He was (is) allergic and has asthma, so this was a Big Deal.
Off we went to the shelter, where there were very few cute little kittens available, and I was still young and stupid enough to want a kitten rather than a grown cat. Finally, in a bottom cage, I saw these two gorgeous girlies in one cage together. The sign said, “Hi! We’re Greta and Garbo [really? really.] and we’re sisters! We’d really like to go home together, but we can be separated if necessary.” My heart broke right there at the thought of separating them, so I brought them both home, 8 years ago. They were renamed to Kunoichi and Sida al Hurrar: my ex’s friend said jokingly, “Name them Pirate and Ninja!” and I said, “No way!” but then started thinking. The all black one is Kuno (Kunoichi roughly translates from the Japanese to ‘female ninja’) and the tortie is Sida, named after an alleged 16th century Moroccan female pirate.
Sida:
Kuno:
Mine is a super tiny little lady because her prior owners were using her as a kitten factory from a very early age and she was malnourished. After a few litters they dumped her at the pound and kept the kittens. We got her off death row and she is the most affectionate little shit and converts even the staunchest cat-haters into begrudging fans.
My kitty looks just like that! His name is Nico and he is humongous, has those kind of weird Rorchach-tabby markings, and is ungodly soft. A friend of ours found him in his work parking garage in Baltimore, completely filthy at about 4 months old.
Zeus is really soft, too! I wondered about his original people trying to breed bengals? Cause he’s SO BIG AND LOUD and has the swirls, and then I read they sometimes breed bengals with tabbies to add new blood, and I wondered if he just came out too tabby. Now I have heard of another cat like him, I wonder even more.
My current cats are semi-normal rescues/rehomes. I took in Lion-O when a couple of friends decided that they could not have a baby, move across country, and keep the cat. He transitioned pretty easily to me, and I’ve had him the last 4 years. Samus was gotten as a 2 month old kitten last July from the rescue AND SHE IS SO HUGE NOW, but still tries to crawl into my pockets. And gets her head stuck. I keep threatening her that I’m gonna take her back and exchange her for a new kitten since she’s a cat now, and no longer cute, but she can tell I’m lying.
My kitty from my childhood is a “What the fuck is wrong with people” foundling. My father works for the racetracks, in the money areas. This poor, half starved mackerel tabby fell out of the ceiling one day. He was declawed (front and back) and neutered. Someone had dumped him at the track with no sort of protection from other stray or the ungodly number of rats. So, my father brought the poor guy home and 6-year-old me claimed him and named him Tiger. The vet was never sure how old Tiger was when we found him, between 5 and 7 most like, but he did live for another 20 years before his kidneys gave out. He was a super sweet boy, if a little dumb and not quite right in the head, and far too fond of digging foodscraps out of the trash.
I am sad for poor Zeus pre-you! Mine came about because my sister had been living with my mum while she was in house-moving limbo and her dog fell in love with mum’s cat. Then when she got somewhere, the dog was lonely so as she was chatting to her new neighbour she said ‘I’m after a cat if you happen to know anyone’ and neighbour said they had a friend who was moving to sheltered accommodation and couldn’t take the cat. So sister gave the dude her number, but heard nothing. Then about 6 months later a total stranger (who turns out to be neighbour’s friend) knocks on her door and is holding a 9 month old kitten in one hand and a scratching post in the other and hands her over – no idea who my sister is or if she wants this cat for dogbaiting or what.
Then sister notices that although kitten is little and skinny, her belly is not, and shortly afterwards KITTENS.
Two homes fell through for Captain, the former owner of the mum (who was allegedly having to give up the cat because of moving) asked if he could have the orange and white one if it was a boy (HELL NO), and my ex and I got the two of them instead. My sister kept one to keep the mum company and the other was rehomed to a lovely lady who I am now cat-friends with on facebook so the family all keep up with each other!
After a flood in 1986 that brought water to our top porch step but not in the house, a kitten appeared at the door with a collar that was beginning to choke her a bit. We fed her and figured she’d find her way home, but “that fluffy cat” stayed so long she became Fluffy and later, in honor of folksinger Phranc, Phluphphy. She would occasionally take off for two or three weeks and come back emaciated and nutty, but for the better part of 17 years she was our sweet pile of smoosh. I still miss her every day.
I can’t talk/type too much about my baby girl because remembering her too much still makes me cry, but here is the eulogy I wrote for her in January of 2011.
I am stroking Saffron with one hand and wiping my eyes with the other. What a lovely tribute to a special lady.
Thank you. I know all cats are special, but…she was MY special.
That was beautiful. She sounds like a lovely cat. I’m sorry you lost her.
Thank you. She really, REALLY was lovely.
What a lovely cat. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. She was my One True Cat. I don’t think I’ll ever adopt another one.
I’m so glad you found Zeus, that story has me feeling all the feels right now.
Cats I have known, in order:
1. Black Magic, aka Blackie. When we were kids, my brother campaigned hard but unsuccessfully for a cat for his 6th birthday. He didn’t get one and was pretty upset about it but had calmed down to flopping on the couch and moping by dinner time. At about 8:00 pm, he heard something at the front door and opened it to find one completely coal black kitten sitting on the front step meowing at him. My parent were not strong enough to resist the power of an actual kitten and after discovering that he had escaped from a nearby house where the family did not spay/neuter nor much take care of their cats they agreed he had better stay. He lived with us for years until we got another cat and he decided he would rather be an only cat in the house of the lady down the street.
2. Mr. Perkins, aka Purr Kitty aka Perky. Mr. Perkins was a black and white cat with an adorable moustache who came from a litter a classmate of mine showed to my mom. We rationalized getting him as a friend for Blackie, who never took to him. He was incredibly affectionate and both a kneader and a drooler which always made me laugh.
3. Crystal. In high school my brother started volunteering at the local SPCA, and when Mr. Perkins died he immediately adopted Crystal. Of course, when he moved out he couldn’t take her with him, so she ended up being my mom’s cat for many, many years. She was completely white but loved sitting out in the sun so much she ended up needing to have her ears amputated to remove skin cancer. My uncle used to tease us about having such a rare species (the North American Earless Cat). She only really ever loved my brother and my mom.
4. Wookiee. When I was in college my mom called me one day to say that her friend Joe had found a litter of kittens in a woodshed, and was looking for homes for them. I went with her to see them, and she convinced me to pick one out for myself. I choose the orange tabby with a squished kitten face, but it was my mom who named him because he resembled Chewbacca. Although he was supposed to be my cat he lived with my mom his entire very long life, who coddled him shamelessly.
5. Diego. I didn’t have any pets for a long time when I moved out of my parents’ house. I moved to San Francisco in 2005, lived with roommates for a few years, and then when I finally got my own place it felt lonely. I wasn’t officially allowed any uncaged pets, but most people in my building ignored that and the building manager turned a blind eye so I decided to get a cat. I met Diego at the SPCA, I had recently broken my leg and was still recovering a bit so I’d intended to get an older cat who would sit on my lap and cuddle with me, but this boy was so good-natured and sweet that even though he was a bundle of energy I decided he was the one. I played with him every day until one day I tripped and banged up my knees so our play time was instead knee-icing time. He got so much pent up energy that he spent the entire evening racing around the apartment, eventually slipping from a shelf near my bed to fall on my face at about 2:00 am, leaving scratches across my face. The next weekend I went back to the SPCA for a second cat to be his friend.
6. Sadie. Our SPCA categorizes cats based on personality, so when I went back they looked up Diego to see who would be a good match for him. Sadie was the first cat they showed me, and she was so sweet and petite I thought he might be too rough for her. I spent the whole afternoon meeting other cats, but at the end decided I couldn’t pass her up. She now rules the roost and keeps Diego firmly in line, play time is on Sadie’s terms and Sadie’s terms alone and if Diego gets too rough he gets a fierce telling off and a swat. I like to say that I only have one cat, and that my cat has a cat, but in truth we are both Sadie’s pets.
That was long, sorry. I forgot to say that when building management changed I was informed that I would have to find another home for the cats or lose my lease. Of course I found another home for us all.
I knew an earless cat once! She was also all-white, and long-haired, so her head had a funny puffball look without the ears. Her name was Fifi and she belonged to the nurse who lived in a camper van on the property of the family we both did elder care for.
I love this!
My cat: I adopted my cat from a local rescue organization. He’s 25 pounds of pure personality, and a holy terror. He was rescued off the streets with half his face hanging off after a fight with a coyote, and had plastic surgery to make him his handsome self again. Honestly, I bet the coyote fared worse.
I adopted him about 2 months into a new (now long-term) relationship. My boyfriend was supportive of the cat-adopting, but thought I would go the kitten or young cat route. When I texted my boyfriend to tell him about the huge 6 year old FIV positive cat I had fallen in love with, he actually thought to himself “hm, maybe this girl that I like is actually a bit of a weirdo”. But now he adores my cat, which is good, because we all live together with his cat, and my cat likes to walk across our torsos in the night.
One of my cats appeared in the woods near a friend’s house as a teen-kitten, and the other is from one local shelter by way of another (private rescues pull from the local open-admission shelter, and thank goodness they do!) The woods-kitty didn’t like people for a couple of months, even though I followed her around like a six year old and tried to make her love me by force of will, but then I got a really bad flu that turned into pneumonia, and spent a lot of time at home in bed, and she warmed up to me. Now if she’s not getting sufficient attention, she’ll leap onto my shoulder and demand I bear her around the house while she purrs for a while. The shelter kitty remains aloof, unless I’m going near a bathroom. Then she trills and coos for sink water until I run a faucet for her. She cuddles sometimes, but only on her own terms. She prefers sneak-attacks and purring.
We have two lovely British Shorthairs named Kiki and Ruby. We got them from a responsible breeder as they were “retiring” from breeding. My husband who is not much of an animal person has become quite attached to them. Ruby is definitely his little girl. She likes to lick everything, especially feet. Kiki on the other hand is quite bossy, and she demands to sleep next to me on the bed every night. We love them both so much, and they are such lovely sweeties.
Here they are (L-Kiki and R-Ruby):
Kiki and Ruby!! Their faces are incredible.
Toasticles! I leave for my trip to the UK tomorrow! Your recommendations a few weeks ago were super great and I am planning to go to all the museums of One Time This Old Dude Collected a Bunch of Weird Shit and Now It’s a Creepy Museum.
I have not started packing yet so if you need me I’ll just be screaming softly to myself in the corner.
Giggling to myself for way too long at “toasticles,” thank you for that.
Also ENJOY YOUR TRIP! Have the best time!
Enjoy all the weird museums!
Have fun on your trip! Hopefully by the time you arrive I will have your Mix CD done. I’m using yours to keep me awake during my road trip this weekend. Thanks for sending it more promptly than I did!
Ah hello! I’m so glad you got my CD! I’m excited to get yours (whenever though, don’t even worry about it!).
Pitt Rivers Museum Pitt Rivers Museum Pitt Rivers Museummmm!
It’s amazing. It’s dark and full of weird collected/colonialist shit that’s arranged as disturbingly racist-ly as possible (from “primitive” to “advanced”), and you even get a little torch on entry so you can actually see into the cases, and there are human skulls and a witch in a bottle, and and and…
(I spent way too much time there instead of at an actual library doing actual research, so….)
Hi everyone. Long time reader of this thread but first time contributor. I have a question I would like to pose here re: income disparities in relationships. Especially if the woman is higher earner than the man. There’s been numerous articles re: this but I would like some feedback from toasties.
I recently started seeing a guy who is a mechanic & instructor @ local community college whose also going to school for engineering. I’m in the medical sciences profession and my income is higher than his. Whenever we go out he insists on paying for everything. I’ve tried on a several occasions to contribute but he refuses to hear of it. Its a sweet gesture but I’m getting a bit frustrated. I’m trying to figure out how best to discuss this without bruising any egos. Suggestions & comments welcomed.
You’re going to have to bruise his ego. It needs bruising. It will be good for him. Explain to him that while you think it’s a sweet gesture, it’s rooted in a sexist understanding of gender relations. Make no mention of income disparity yet; that’s a discussion for another day.
For him, paying for things is tied into impressing you. If you like this guy and aren’t put off by this behavior, tell him you’re already impressed and to cut it out with that particular act of chivalry.
That’s my two cents.
Yep yep yep! He’s cruisin’ for a (ego) bruisin’. Just be direct and honest – “I really like you, but your insistence on paying for everything is not coming from a good place.”
Lol I figured as much re: ego bruise. This is food for thought. Thnx
Don’t make it about income. 🙂 I earn about double what Mr. Blazes earns, and I have found the best route is to make it about treating him to something. Announce it before you go out.: Tonight I want to treat you to XXX because I know you love it. That way, there is a clear plan for the bill before you go. Once you do it once or twice, it’ll be more natural. But never, ever make it about you having more money. It is about you wanting to spoil him and do something nice. That’s what has worked for me.
Everyone above is spot on – make it more about the “why” he wants to pay instead of “but I have more money”
“I would like to treat you too”
“Don’t worry, I’m impressed, I’d like to pick up this one” etc
Like @blueblazes11 said, it’s also easiest to do this before even leaving.
For what it’s worth, especially if this guy is new, you don’t know how he’s managed his money. I earn more than my guy, but due to Mistakes, I now have more bills to pay – so his discretionary income is actually way higher than mine. He might actually be perfectly comfortable, budgetary speaking, paying as often as he is (although I understand wanting to put a stop to a practice rooted in sexism – just wanted to give you his perspective maybe too)
That’s a very good point. I know its coming from a good place. Albeit a bit ingrained in olde gender stereotypes. He’s just such an old school kinda guy (always opening doors, pulling out chairs, date pickups, etc) which I’m trying to get used to since I’m a very independent person lol.
I just told mine to stop it. He was a definite chair-puller-outer, door-holder, etc etc, and it drove me bonkers. I said I appreciated his motives but that it didn’t make me feel special and I would much rather he didn’t, and to give him credit, he thought about it and makes a real effort to treat me how I want to be treated, and not how he thinks ‘a woman’ ought to want to be treated.
That’s a keeper 🙂
It is one of the many reasons I am planning to keep him! He has a brain and a mind and he actually uses it. Not a common thing!
When men in elevators refuse to exit until I do, I say as lightly as possible, “It’s 2014! Men are allowed to go first,” and then I stand there stubbornly and let my brow slowly crumple into a scowl if they don’t move their idiot male asses.
Have you tried humor? “It’s 2014 and I AM A SCIENTIST, let me pay okay!”
You could also start snaking the check. If you’re out to eat, excuse yourself, flag down the server, and slip them your credit card. When they return it to the table, cheerfully turn to your male and say, “DON’T FUCK WITH ME YOU SCUMBAG,” or say whatever it is women say to men I’m not really sure I usually just pepper spray them
Good luck, and remember that lesbianism is always an option!
Good luck, and remember that lesbianism is always an option!
Advice for any situation!
Truly.
Omg I may have to try this if the talk doesn’t work. This why I love toasties lol
Re: elevators. In my building I’ve totally given up and just automatically exit first, because otherwise the elevator social construct crumbles and also I’m always in a hurry so leaving first suits me.
(I also kind of relish when sexism meets hierarchy in unexpected ways. When going to court, tradition dictates that the junior-est lawyer or student pull the big cart or trolley of documents, which is a total hassle. But the ‘chivalrous’ old white dudes I work with can’t abide to let a woman do all that heavy liftin’, so they insist, and I let them, and quietly revel in the weird power dynamic that results. All the tools in my tool box, or whatever I say to justify this stuff to myself.)
This is excellent advice.
I earn more than my bf does, but somehow along the way we settled into “I pay this time, he pays next time.” scenario, so it’s actually a joke now. “Whose turn is it??” Maybe you can work something like that in – then he still gets to pay for you, but since you also pay for him the next time it evens out.
Well, do you actually dislike him paying for stuff for moral reasons, or do you just feel guilty? If he just has a hangup about it, and isn’t otherwise imposing weird notions of chivalry on you, be gentle with him. I’ve been in that situation and I just try to plan cheap dates, like “surprise! picnic!” and “surprise! I rented a movie and look here’s a bottle of wine I already had!” He may get over it when he’s more comfortable with you.
What I might do, instead of bringing it up immediately, would be to occasionally pre-empt him. For example, you ask him about a few ideas he might want to do for dates (“for planning purposes”) and then you go ahead and get the tickets in advance. Pay for dinner while he’s at the restroom. Then, once you’ve done this a few times, mention that you’d like to contribute more to your dates, since it’s your relationship together, and you want to be able to do things for him, too. (I don’t always think a serious talk is helpful–sometimes it makes the situation seem more of a problem than it really is.) See how that goes. I have found that it’s successful.
My other half lost his job not long after we started seeing each other and has been exceedingly graceful about me paying for shit. Now he has one again (hurrah) and is retraining for a proper career (double hurrah) he is loving not having to have me pay for stuff, but given he must have felt it, he’s dealt with it like a proper grownup. It’s one of the reasons I’m keeping him.
Why not arrange a ‘my treat’ thing for him, discuss beforehand and refuse to hear of it back at him?
Tell him: you know how good and proud you feel when you take me out, like you’re doing everything right, you’re running the night and showing me how much you value me and feeling how much I appreciate it? That feels so great, right? [he theoretically says yes.] then say: why don’t you want me to get to feel that way?
I like this, with the possible slight adjustment of “I’d like to feel that way too!”
I live with my boyfriend and make more than twice what he makes, and it’s not a big deal for us. To be totally honest, I think he digs it both from an emotional and practical perspective. I totally buy him shit, and he’s all “look at this hot rich lady I got and I have sex with her too”. (NB: I’m not that rich, and I have a student loan that would make you weep.)
I do think it takes a certain kind of guy to be ok with it, or rather, certain kinds of guys are not ok with it (ones for whom traditional male roles are really important). I think that’s what you need to have a talk about – not that you Make More Money, but how he sees male and female roles in a relationship, and whether it lines up with how you see them.
I think everyone needs to have things they bring to the table in a relationship, to feel needed, and valued, and good at/for something. The way it shapes up in my relationship, I’m good at cooking and he admires that, he drives and I value that, I make more money and he takes care of more house details, we have a D/s thing in the bedroom, etc. Some of it is totally traditionally gendered (my boyfriend runs the BBQ, I’m not kidding) and some of it is not (see: the money). Overall it works because we feel like we have a place and a role, and neither of us are responsible for everything. We’re a team, and we collaborate on decisions, and contribute different skill sets to the running of our mutual lives.
I’ve struggled before in relationships with more passive men, because I felt like everything fell on me. I’m pretty competent, and so I can do everything that needs to be done, but I really want someone to help me, to take responsibility for certain things, so I don’t HAVE to do everything that needs to be done. I think conversely some people struggle with letting go of responsibility for certain things, because without those things (like paying) they feel like they are losing their role and their value.
Anyway, its Friday and apparently I feel like drafting unfocused comments instead of working.
Good luck with your dude!
I appreciate the essay lol. This has been most helpful. I knew I could count on toasties. Thank you so much everyone for your input.
Last year I ordered a pair of Swedish Hasbeens, and no matter what I try, I am faced with the realization that they are too small. It’s too late to return them, and the consignment clothing options in my town are terrible. Suggestions? They are these in a 39.
http://www.swedishhasbeens.com/braided-low-p-8.ht…
Craigslist or E-bay if you are so inclined?
HELLO THOSE LOOK LIKE MY SIZE 😀
Do you want to buy or trade for them?! They are sooo amazing and I am so sad. I’ve worn them about five times in my office.
Worth a shot? Which color are they?
They are the “natural leather”. It’s a really pretty tan. The box says you can rub olive oil on them to darken the leather.
Those are terribly, terribly cute… Do you know what US size you typically wear? I wear 9 1/2, so I’m wondering if 39 would be too small for me, too. Aside from being too small, are they otherwise comfortable? I’ve never worn wooden shoes, I imagine they are either awesome or awful (but I do have some foot issues and need decent arch support).
I have always worn a size 39 – in US sizes generally a 9 to 9 1/2. I think the problem is that I have the narrowest feet of all time, and my feet like, slide out the ends, if that makes sense? If I am sitting down, my feet fit perfectly in the footbed, but if I start to move, the slip right out the toe space, and my toes curl over the front.
They are very very comfortable, based on the five times I have worn them.
Oh jeeze my wife is obsessed with these. Lemme see if she’s interested!
ETA: she is interested (and VERY PLEASED with my ability to recognize the kind of shoe she’s interested in BIG WIFE POINTS) but they are not her size. good luck rehoming them!
If anyone is actually interested in these I would be so happy to sell or trade them to a Toastie! I am away from right now until July 2, but leave a message and I will contact you!
I am tenatively interested although I am not sure what I could offer in trade, but they look gorgeous and 39 is just our size! So if it doesn’t work out with the people who already inquired, please let us know. 🙂
I dunno – I’d trade for some money? Haha
I did not know that Swedish Hasbeens is a kind of shoe, so I was all, “A pair of what? Where did you order them from?”
Toasties! I should have MONEY soon. Sweet, sweet cash. And I want to buy BOOKS. And DRESSES. And possibly NIGHT CLOTHES.
Please suggest to me good fantasy/horror (especially ghost) and historical fiction reads.
Also, please direct me to great places to get gothy, witchyish clothes in the UK for a size UK 18 plus.
And if you know of somewhere that makes those super-ridiculous long white victorian-style nightgowns in the UK, I’d like that too.
If you’re into Cthulhu mythos stuff, may I suggest Arthur Machen’s The Great God Pan? It predates and inspired Lovecraft, and it’s spooky and weird and reads surprisingly contemporary for a book written in the 1890s. And it’s historical, so maybe it’ll scratch a little bit of that itch as well.
And it’s freely available online, so you can save your sweet, sweet cash to spend on night cheese or whatever!
Oh I can maybe help on the ghosty front. There is The Red Tree by Caitlin R Kiernan, which is super creepy, bc Caitlin R Kiernan, but also possibly triggering for mental health and suicide stuff. (Also because Caitlin R Kiernan? I don’t know, she’s intense. And on second read through I always want to edit the hell out of her, but first read through usually has me engrossed. My first read of hers was Alabaster, which is a creepy collection of Southern Gothic shorts/novellas about a single character.) There’s also The Owl Service by Alan Garner, which kind of drops the ball at the end and is mildly annoying on other fronts in ways I’ve learned to tolerate, but is fantastic enough in the first half to make it worth it, IMO. Annnnnd I don’t know, Gormenghast? That is always worth a rec.
It’s not wholly ghost-y, but there are some great horror stories in Joey Comeau’s collection It’s Too Late To Say I’m Sorry. Also horror-y by him: One Bloody Thing After Another and Bible Camp Bloodbath/The Summer Is Ended And We Are Not Yet Saved (the first is a novella with a dispiriting end; the latter is a reworked, longer version of the former with, from what I understand, a different ending–I’ve only read the former and not the latter).
Oh! And Thirsty, by M.T. Anderson. Creepy and funny and sad.
Feed by MT Anderson wasn’t bad either. A very fast read, and I wasn’t that impressed by it as I was reading but damn if I wasn’t startled out of my nightmares later that night.
I read most of the way through Feed a couple years back, but then had to put it down because a thematic element reminded me too much of something IRL and was upsetting me. (Maybe I’ll try again soon.) Thirsty is also quick but the ending was really what made it for me.
THE BEST historical fiction: Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies, both by Hilary Mantel. Did I mention they are THE BEST.
I get all my weird clothes from katesclothing.co.uk and they seem to do a decent range of sizes.
Thanks, everyone!
This is the third week running that I’ve recommended Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell in a toast open thread, but that can be chalked up to the fact that it is SO GOOD.
I tried that and couldn’t get through it, but I still have the book somewhere and I’m wiling to give it another try.
It took me several tries but once I got past a certain point I couldn’t put it down. It was hard going butting through the beginning but worth it.
I have not read any Kathe Koja in a long time but I remember her dark fantasy/horror stuff being really good.
Fantasy, hmn, I could make maybe 230948209 recommendations but it would help if you said some things you already like! ‘Fantasy’ being a really broad category and all.
I am sure you have already read Hild, but read Hild!
Have you checked out Mira grant? Her news flesh series was the best combination of oh god no horror and actual thoughtful social stuff that I’ve read in a long while
Music Thread! What new bands are people listening to? What old bands have you re-discovered? What’s that band that all your friends love but you just cannot get into?
For me:
1. The Notwist, TOKiMONSTA
2. Arcade Fire
3. St. Vincent
Bonus bleep-bloop music for the new servers; “Lizard King” by Lone
Ooh, I got into tokimonsta a while back after some stranger that I was following on twitter recommended them (her? Is it just one person?) but then totally forgot about it. Is there a new album?
She’s a DJ out of LA, looks like her most recent is “Half Shadows.” I just started listening to her in the past few months, someone recommended the song ‘Death by Disco’ to me. While listening to it on repeat I think I wrote 10 pages of my dissertation!
oh yeah, I should probably clarify above: for “new” band I guess I mean “new to you” cuz apparently the Notwist have been around for.. a long time!
(an actual “new” band that came on the scene within the last 5 years is Quilt, who are awesome)
I love Arcade Fire but for the life of me I can’t seem to get into St. Vincent.
New band: CHVRCHES
Old (Classic) Band: NEW ORDER
CHVRCHES yay I finally got to see them in concert a few weeks ago and it was a blast.
I listen to Lauren Oglesby two or three times a day at work. Today I also discovered Onion Honey (thanks Twitter Toasties! :D) and Lauren O’Connell.
Looking for other folky, rootsy, indie music that I can listen to at a reception desk (so, minimal swears haha) if anyone has any suggestions.
Folky rootsy indie music is like 97% of what I listen to! I CAN HELP.
Try:
Gregory Alan Isakov (slower and kinda sad but soooo gooooood — Virginia May is my favorite song of his)
Blind Pilot
Tarkio (pre-Decemberists Colin Meloy, twangy and delightful)
Josh Ritter (my future husband)
Mandolin Orange
Hurray for the Riff Raff
The Head and the Heart
All of these should be acceptable reception desk listening!
You are me and I am you. Carry on.
Oh man, “That Moon Song” came on when I was window-shopping a few weeks ago, and I had one of those “oh god why is my heart breaking from the beaaauuuty of it allll” moments. I need to listen to more Gregory Alan Isakov.
I’ve seen him live a couple times and he is super awkward and sincere and soft-spoken and he has a guy who plays swooshy background noises with him that they call “God sounds” and he is basically my favorite human
(hahaha, I just mentioned Onion Honey too)
I am just getting into St. Paul and the Broken Bones which my best friend does not like, however he is a big advocate for Old Crow Medicine Show and I cannot get into it. We agree that the Carolina Chocolate Drops are great.
I really like Whitehorse (the Canadian rootsy duo, not the Australian metal band) and I think it’s probably acceptable for a reception desk, if the standard is ‘not too many swears.’
My boss told me “no, like, 50 Cent” – so I’m taking “not too many swears” as the standard.
Have you listened to any Mutual Benefit? They put out an album … last(?) year called “Love’s Crushing Diamond” that is nice quiet indie music. I also recommend Great Lake Swimmers eponymous album. And Washed Out, not folk, but nice mellow indie music.
Have you seen the video for The Notwist’s One With the Freaks??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI0prZWmxQk&f…
Really, really good song, clever and kinda melancholy video.
Just heard it, I think I just need to buy the whole “Neon Golden” album
1. I got LP’s new album, “Forever for Now,” a couple weeks ago and cannot stop listening to it. So good.
2. Rekindling my love for An Horse
3. Cannot get into Hot Chip.
I am in love with the song “Parade” from the new Antlers album. It is gorgeous.
The last Antlers song I liked was “French Exit” off of Burst Apart, I’ll definitely check out the new album!
any specific recs for someone who would like to give St. Vincent a shot? I feel like I ought to like her, but every time she comes on the radio I just… can’t get into it. and I feel oddly bad about it.
(other “can’t get into them” bands, though I don’t feel bad about these ones at all: Sleigh Bells, Passion Pit)
PASSION PIT ME TOO ugh. I just struggle in general with how bleep-y and bloop-y lots of stuff is right now.
yeah I mean, generally I LIKE bleeps and bloops. but apparently not the kind that’s in vogue right now. :\ (why is Passion Pit in like 75% of the fanmixes posted on 8tracks these days, whyyyy)
I can get into more guitar-y St. Vincent stuff but the more bleep, bloop-y stuff I can’t really get with. She is a great guitar player, though.
I think my favorite song of hers is “My Stars Aligned.” I like “Jesus Saves, I Spend” a lot, too. I prefer her more traditional stuff in general (basically, the Marry Me album and some of Actor), but I also haven’t listened to her later albums enough to really get into them.
For me it took a while of Actively Trying to Enjoy St. Vincent before it finally clicked with her latest album. The opening track Rattlesnake is a good one if you haven’t heard it.
Notwist OH GOD I love that band. Good good good summer music, thanks!
Last night I did some night riding to Broken Social Scene. Fuck I love them. This week I’ve also been on a crazy Decemberists/Beirut kick.
Real Estate has been my default summer music band, that and Best Coast. I like the Decemberists too, guaranteed to get you 100% of your RDA for ocarinas and songs about wastrels.
New(ish) band I’ve been completely obsessed with: First Aid Kit (I saw them in concert a couple weeks ago too, and they were GREAT live too)
Older band/I’ve been happily working my way through their back catalog: The Go-Betweens
Love First Aid Kit. At first I was slightly skeptical of the new album on the grounds that it wasn’t the old album, but now that I’ve assimilated it I think I love it just as much. And they were indeed great live, very shiny.
Babies! I love them so.
I love Arcade Fire!
Neutral Milk Hotel is another band I find myself returning to very regularly.
Also, I can never get enough of Stars. (The Set Yourself On Fire album remains one of my all time favorites!)
There is something about Stars! I love them.
Neutral Milk Hotel 4eva! While I don’t dislike the music I listened to as a teenager, I just don’t listen to most of it anymore — with the exception of Neutral Milk Hotel, which clearly transcends space and time.
Very true! There are few things that have that power over time. For me, this list includes Neutral Milk Hotel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Everything else from my teen years, I could probably live without.
Yes Neutral Milk Hotel! Next month they are playing a concert in a park v close to where I live, which means I can go sit outside the concert venue and hear everything for freeeee!
I saw them recently at a festival and was so happy because I’ve loved them since I was a teen too, and I honestly thought they had stopped playing live at all and I was destined to never see them.
(Also at the festival were CHVRCHES, Arcade Fire and St Vincent, and Haim, who I am still a bit obsessed with. Just to make y’all a bit jealous.)
Stars are amazing live also!
I’ve become a big cheerleader for Bright Light Bright Light: http://www.brightlightx2.com/, which I describe as a gayer Postal Service or a very earnest/confessional Pet Shop Boys. I love him and I think everyone should listen to him, and as an expat “In Your Care” completely makes me cry if I hear it at the right time of the month.
Also the new Hercules and Love Affair is great.
a very earnest/confessional Pet Shop Boys
*ears perk*
Off to check that out! Thank you!
Yes, that is the tag that caught my attention too!
Hope you like!
Oohhhh I might have to check them out! I’m also a big fans of Broken Bells because they’re somewhat Postal Service-y.
It tends to be more of the “big gay disco” style of synth-pop than Postal Service usually is, but it still has that kind of bedroom-made confessional feeling.
New band: Natalia Kills, because I heard a song of hers (Rabbit Hole) on a fandom mix and loved it. She has some perfect dirtbag teenage anthems.
Old band: Taking Back Sunday. I had to reformat my (ancient) iPod and am now rebuilding its library and I’m fondly recalling my emo phase.
Not that into: seconding the St.Vincent and also adding The 1975. I tried, really I did, but no.
New band: Glass Animals! I am in LOVE with their sound.
Old band: Kings of Leon
Can’t do it: Mumford & Sons. No, just….no.
Esther Wheaton is a Toastie and part of a band called Onion Honey and I just bought their album and it’s GREAT and FULL OF BANJOES:
http://onionhoney.bandcamp.com/
BANJOES I’m in
New-ish band (well, guy): Kishi Bashi. His first album came out like a year or two ago, and for a while songs from it were in three different commercials simultaneously, which is pretty impressive. He put out a new album recently, and this is my favorite song from it. It’s either about food as a metaphor for love, or about people who feel very strongly about steak.
OH MY GOD KISHI BASHI. I saw him last year and he played with a guy with a light-up banjo, which was not a thing I knew I needed in my life until I saw it.
Kishi Bashi is also a certified witch who looks about 25 and is actually like 40.
I didn’t see him when he was in Seattle because I found out about the show literally the day of and it was like a Wednesday night and I was flying out on Friday so on Thursday I had to go to work and also do laundry and pack and whatever, and I certainly don’t think it was the worst decision I’ve ever made, but it wasn’t the best either.
New band: Jagwar Ma! Well, the album is a year old but fate didn’t bring it to my attention until a few weeks ago and now I cannot stop listening to it.
New – Getting into St. Paul & The Broken Bones, just listened to Benjamin Booker and I think I’ll really like that once his album comes out.
Old – Wolf Parade’s first album is a near constant after almost a decade.
Can’t get into – HAIM
I don’t know when NPR became one of my main sources of new music, but so be it.
NPR is how I found out about the Notwist! They put ‘Kong’ in one of their “Songs we can’t stop listening to” round-ups.
I am always listening to Terrorvision, and looking forward to the singer’s acoustic solo album for which the launch party is in 3 weeks.
Also always listening to whatever new thing Mike Patton is doing. Specifically this, although it’s not new, but I only found out about it last week. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qs6fx6tUOB4
I just recently discovered Simon Curtis and OH MY GOD <3 <3 <3 <3.
I recently got into Laura Mvula. Sent her cd to my mom and everything.
Just discovered that Led Zeppelin is 1000% greater than Stairway to Heaven led me to believe. Cannot stop feeling feelings about In the Light.
I am so happy about this thread because the music I like is mostly from the 80s and early 90s, so lots of new things to try!
1. OK Go, Brand New
2. Oingo Boingo, I heard “Out of Control” today and it made me cry. (I meant it about the 80s!)
3. ??? — All of my friends are stuck in the 80s too. Well, okay, someone recommended Lorde to me and I just do not get “Royals”.
OK Go is so fun! I love their music videos.
Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” is my go-to song to instantly pump myself up
I know I’m a big old morbid weirdo, but I’m REALLY excited about the imminent centennial commemorations of World War One! I went to Belgium last year on my honeymoon specifically to visit Ypres, because I’m a weirdo nerd like that. Since I’m in America we’re getting some fairly subdued coverage, I don’t think anyone will start really caring about it here for a few years yet, but I would love to hear from Toasties in other parts of the world. Do you care? Is your country doing anything? Am I the only person under 60 who cares?
And I would also love to hear from other WWI enthusiasts. Give me some recommendations! What should I read about WWI!?
You are definitely not the only one who cares! I find WWI and WWII history fascinating. I’m in Canada, so I expect there will be ceremonies and whatnot especially over the next years – probably commemorating battles?
You’re not the only one! If you want some WWII material, I love biographies the most because I find sweeping tomes to be very intimidating. The Last Lion is an excellent book about Churchill, and there are a lot of really good firsthand accounts from soldiers that have been published as well (I’d give specific recs but I’m at work and don’t have access to my bookshelves!).
YESSSSSSS FINALLY I NEVER GET TO TALK ABOUT WWI
My two favorite books on the war are The Great War and Modern Memory by Paul Fussell–a classic that looks at the literary motifs strung through the war (including alllll the homoeroticism)–and the more recent The Beauty and the Sorrow–Peter Englund puts together narratives from a diverse array of people, including a 12yo German schoolgirl and a Venezuelan adventurer who ended up in the Ottoman army. It’s astonishing.
Also, I really want to have an Archduke assassination party in August but cannot think of a non-offensive way to do so.
OMG! I would totally go to your party!
I love The Great War and Modern Memory and obviously all the homoeroticism is the tops. That’s probably one of my favorite WWI tropes.
Ha, I love it. Someday I will write a trench-warfare AU Destiel fic, and no one will read it, and I won’t care.
And somehow I missed that the 100th anniversary of the assassination is TOMORROW!! No time to make plans!!
I’m just going to force my husband to watch all the WWI movies in existence. Starting with the French ones!
I would go to that party too!
Tomorrow I will have to listen to “All For You Sophia” by Franz Ferdinand a bunch!
SECONDING THE FUSSELL
OOOOOOHHHHH that book looks great. Added to my reading list. I adore Eye Deep in Hell, accurate but not too academic, A very well designed book: http://www.powells.com/biblio/1-9780801839474-2
Barker’s Regeneration is pretty great too, but that is about the aftermath of WWI, not the actual war.
Oh I love that book! I try to throw at everyone for a bit of light reading on WWI, but no one seems to agree with me on that.
There’s a French graphic novelist who’s done two books about WWI: It Was the War of the Trenches, which I’ve read (and totally disturbed someone next to me on the subway who glanced over to see a full-page splash of corpse-eating rats), and Goddamn This War, which I ARGH want to read but haven’t yet.
And of my NYRB Classics subscription selections this year is Fear, by Gabriel Chevalier, a French classic just translated to English. I should start that tomorrow in honor of the start of things!
You’re not the only person who cares! You and also all the dads of the world.
I was recently in Sarajevo and found the spot where Franz Ferdinand was assassinated but I was by myself and it was raining really hard so I just sort of stood there, grinning stupidly.
Green with envy right now.
Ahhhhh! My people! I always feel weird when I get so happy about historical death, but it just makes me feel so giddy.
I also have a thing about the Black Death.
Plagues are always fun! And disease in general. Reading about old fashioned treatments for STDs!? Horrifying and so wonderful!
And I get really creepily happy about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.
You may enjoy the Sawbones podcast, which looks at some of the poorer decisions we’ve made in medical history. It’s where I learned about possibly the least successful surgery in history, in which a doctor in the Victorian era liked to have people come over and see how fast he could do amputations. So he’s trying to amputate this guy’s leg in three minutes or whatever, and in all the flailing he amputates his assistant’s fingers, and also nicks one of the observers.
Because it was the Victorian era, the original patient got infected and died. The assistant got infected, and died. The observer who got nicked went on to live a full, happy, and medically ethical life (j/k, he also got infected and died). 300% mortality rate, is what I’m saying.
I WISH I COULD THUMBS UP THIS A MILLION TIMES. This is so completely up my alley. Must immediately download!
Annnnnd that makes me want to link to Rasputina: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkzll37266Y
Oooooh. That is just *so* cool.
I did my ENTIRE Master’s thesis on WWI. I CARE SO, SO, SO MUCH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
OMG I will talk about WWI for days, on end, with interest. Did you guys see this about Princess Mary’s Christmas boxes? SLATED TO BE OPENED TOMORROW? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2658930/C…
I did my master’s thesis on WW1 too! I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE AT LAST.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT
Yes please, both of you!
Mine is Canadian, so my thesis discussed popular youth media in the Maritime provinces during the war. This means novels, newspapers, magazines, toys, etc., and the images and messages aimed at kids and teens, and the greater cultural climate surrounding it. For my thesis defence I printed paper toys from a 1916 newspaper and made them and brought them in, and it was a huge hit.
So…Rilla of Ingleside basically? (I mean this as a compliment)
I really love Rilla (and am drafting a Toast article on it!), but not quite: it wasn’t published until 1920 and the stuff I focused on was contemporary, and also skewed younger, so it was much more newspaper articles and penny fiction and toys aimed at actively involving kids in the war effort in a multitude of different ways.
That sounds amazing!
Well, okay, not WWI directly, but Virginia Woolf’s method of narrating it in TO THE LIGHTHOUSE’s “Time Passes” section, and how she marginalizes the war narrative in favor of a “domestic” one (literally every mention of the war is in some sort of parenthetical in the novel), and how this creates a sort of counter-narrative of that time reflected in women’s/outsider spaces. I think. It’s been a decade.
That sounds like a really interesting thesis! There are people here who want to go to grad school in English Lit and do stuff about domestic women’s writing, especially the between-the-wars stuff.
If you are among the Tumblr folk, whoever manages the Oxford University Press tumblr account is on a big WWI kick right now, and I have gotten so many recent good book recommendations. (All published by OUP, so they cost all the money, but that’s why libraries are awesome.)
Oh! That’s a good tip! I’m not really on Tumblr, but I will go there for book recommendations so fast!
I am right there with you.
Nicole mentioned the Guns of August once. I have not read it yet but it is waiting for me on my Kindle.
Oh it’s so good! And if you want to get an idea of the pre-war state of things The Proud Tower is also excellent, though less famous. So much assassinating going on!
The Proud Tour also inspired a Josh Ritter album with a lot of angels/ghost imagery if you’re into that kind of thing.
!!!
Thank you for this vital information!
I love The Proud Tower even more than The Guns of August, despite the fact that (because?) I bawled over the Dreyfus chapter in the middle of the night during college.
The world wars are my wheelhouse omg hello! I did WWI mainly in literature and then my degrees are actually in WWII and the Holocaust and then Tsarist Russia but omg WWI literature is amazing. People have already mentioned Regeneration up there, that’s basically the greatest. There are some AMAZING POETS that came out of WWI, Sassoon being my favorite. You can read some of his stuff here: Siegfried Sassoon.
ETA: I mean just look at how much emotion he packs into four little lines:
You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you’ll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.
I had Sassoon’s “Soldier’s Declaration” up on my wall in my freshman doorman, with a pic of the battlefield at Passchendaele.
THIS THREAD IS WONDERFUL.
Ooof, yeah. I always feel like such a poetry dummy, but I do love me some Wilfred Owen. But since Regeneration is one of my favorite books of all time I should really getting around to reading some of Siegfried Sassoon.
You are not alone! I’m a Brit so we’re pre-programmed to care, I guess. I also studied the war poets when I was 18 and got an A in my A levels because of them (thanks Owen! Sorry).
There’s a shit-ton of stuff going on over here, all over the BBC primarily, and local stuff too. It’s only 1914 so I think we’re not into centenaries of the nasty stuff yet (like, Somme, Paschendaele etc) so I spose we might get more next year and the year after.
I’m Canadian. Newspapers are already running centenary articles. My brother-in-law started a WWI enthusiasts thing and they’re doing a lecture series on various aspects. WWI is big in Canada because it’s when the country really begin to think of itself as a nation rather than a colony of England. Also, Canada made many important contributions to the Allied war effort.
With that in mind, here are some books:
The War Diary of Clare Gass — a nurse’s diary
But This is Our War by Grace Morris Craig — this is out of print, but can be found used. It’s memoir written by an Ontario woman whose friends and brother went off to war.
And 2 by Tim Cook: At the Sharp End and Shock Troops. These focus on the Canadian war experience from the front lines.
I second both Tim Cook’s front-line books. Truly outstanding and horrifying.
Yeah. I had nightmares. Still, highly recommended.
My husband is super excited to get into an in-depth study of WWI for the centennial.
I told him I’d read anything he read if it was written by a woman, and he looked into such things and found that a few of the really really good WWI books are by woman historians, so yay!
That said, I have no recommendations as yet, but I’m sure I will soon…
I am also in the US so not seeing much coverage but oh boy yes WWI is just fascinating. Our introduction to it was a collection of letters to Vera Brittain from the four men she was close to who died in the war — her brother, her fiance, and two of their friends. They are fascinating and heart-breaking.
We really liked the book _14-18: Understanding the Great War_ by Stéphane Audoin-Rouzeau & Annette Becker. People here read a lot of history but nobody is a historian (our degree is english lit) and so caveat caveat, but it seemed like a really nice companion to more traditional histories since it is talking a lot about the physical experience of violence and how people understood the war while it was going on and stuff.
Also, if you have not read Rebecca West’s _The Return of the Soldier_ oh boy do that. It was written during the war and is very quiet and hits hard.
Yay fellow WWI geeks!
I recommend visiting Vimy. Amazing monument, tour of the trenches, very moving. If you take the train from Paris to Arrras, ask for Bruno as a taxi driver. Knowledgeable guy who will also show you the rarely visited German cemetery.
I woke up this morning and I was all sad and lonely and whatnot but my sister called and said she was coming and now I AM SO EXCITED!
What’s making everyone else happy?
I’m excited to take my niece swimming this weekend! The rec centre we’re going to has a climbing wall that you can jump off of into the pool – she’s a big climber at gymnastics, so I think she’ll love it! (She’s three).
That sounds sooooooo fun!
Similar! My MOM is coming to visit me this weekend! SUSHI. YOGA. HIKING. WINE.
My sister and I are doing a tour of a vineyard and then doing yoga at sunset and drinking wine and cheese.
Amazing. Especially the drinking of cheese. 🙂
Moooooms! My mom visiting this spring was like the highlight of my year, I hope you guys have so much fun!!!!
My brother and his wife are having their baby today!!!!! That is making me way happy.
BABY!
congrats on your new niece or nephew!!!
After a long, strange, stressful week, one of my best friends from college is coming down to visit. I haven’t had any time for just the two of us in over a year and I am just really looking forward to it.
My godson nephew is really proving to be a hell-on-wheels meathead at age almost-2, and my sister said, “Thank god you’re his godmother; at least you’ll always make sure he’s a liberal feminist.”
Booyah.
Weekend! Summer! That my husband and my jobs have both become more low-key lately! That my one-year-old just started yelling “MAM!” when she sees me.
Hooray for family visits. I hope you all have a great time!
I have a job interview scheduled for next week and that is one of the happy-making things in life right now. AND it’s for a position that brings together all of the different things I’ve done before and and during grad school! *fingers crossed*
Also, it’s Pride weekend for St. Louis. Finally! It’s even better since our Mayor decided to challenge the state constitution’s ban on same sex marriage earlier this week, so pretty much everyone is freaking out.
Correction: I have TWO interviews now scheduled for next week! Holy crap!
My roomie and I decided to throw an impromptu birthday party for Captain America (because Steve Rogers was born on the Fourth of July, because comics). There’s gonna be strawberry cake. I’m very excited. Also the weather is PERFECT today.
I woke up sad-ish but my friend has the morning off from work so we are going to go get coffee and this all happened like 10 minutes ago! Yay surprise friend dates
Leaving work early today to drive to Pittsburgh with a friend! And I’m off work alllllll next week, yay!
My beloved is done with his month-long SF workshop, so I’m actually going to get laid this weekend! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!
Pretty much every time I see a dog, particularly a little scruffy dog, I get immediately and giddily happy.
I got to go blues dancing last night, and I had one of those once-in-a-hundred dances where it’s like you and your partner mind meld and everything is beautiful and perfect for those four minutes.
I’m reading Clarissa (by Samuel Richardson) and it is making me happy because I derive an insane, childlike amount of delight from fact that Things Were Different In The Past.
Tacos!! Also, I’m going to the beach next weekend with buddies awwww yissssssssss
I also got a cute bikini top from J Crew withhearts and bees, and I’m really excited to wear it! I couldn’t get the matching bottom in my size on sale so I ended up getting a navy colored bottom.
I’ll be honest: the bikini top is really just a way for me to have something in my wardrobe with that print.
I was up suuuuper late because a friend of mine was having a bad anxiety attack and didn’t know how to handle it and wanted me to come to the hospital with him.
He ended up going with his girlfriend (and got an appointment with a psych and is going to be okay), but I am feeling the yawny effects today – as well as the running-to-the-third-floor-bathroom effects of drinking two bottles of iced tea in about twenty minutes flat.
What are your stay-awake-at-work methods?
Doesn’t always work, but if you cross your legs one way, try switching. The mild “something’s wrong here” feeling keeps me more alert than I otherwise would be.
Hey. I’m trying that right now and I can see this working. Thanks!
I also turned my space heater off even though I’m freezing, so I bet that helps too.
I tickle the roof of my mouth with my tongue – right along the ridges? it helps create some adrenaline that keeps me afloat for a bit…
Augh! Yep, that’ll do it. Wow, that’s…weirdly unpleasant?
I feel awaker already though.
hahaha, glad it helped! strangely enough, it’s a tip I learned on an episode of “hollywood squares” in the late 80’s, and it somehow stuck with me. I used to use it in church all the time when I was sleepy.
I don’t know if it’s most impressive that the tip is from Hollywood Squares or that you’ve practiced it since the 80s! Either way, you rule.
Get up from your desk and walk around if at all possible. If walking isn’t an option, make sure that you stand up every so often.
Will do. If nothing else, I have to walk to the bathroom literally every half an hour (thanks, Snapple) so that’s something.
Actually, needing to pee is my go-to method for staying awake. I just keep drinking water. Wearing uncomfortable clothes works pretty well, too. Glad to hear your friend is going to be okay!
Other options above but also streeeeeeeeetching at my desk helps!
I haven’t the foggiest idea why this works, but I find rubbing up the sides of the bridge of my nose with firm pressure a few times does wonders for my alertness. Press on both sides of your nose where the bony part of your nose stops, then push upwards towards your forehead and follow the orbital bone until about mid-eyeball. Works like a charm for me, but I’ve no idea if it’s useful for other people.
Hold a piece of paper in front of you at arms’ length. Keep your eyes on it while slowly, without gripping in your neck, turning your head as far as it will go to one side. Slowly bring your head back to center, repeat on the other side. Do that anywhere from one to three times, wakes you right up.
I mentioned a few days ago that my (German) office was going to have a secret party for the Germany-USA World Cup game yesterday, and boy did we ever. We opened the first beers at noon with the kickoff and when I left at 6, some people were still going. At one point, the elevator had a couple coolers of beer in it so you could just summon an elevator of beer. There was, as promised, an overwhelming amount of sausage. I went to play with my summer league at 9 in the evening and am pretty sure I was still rather drunk the whole time, and today I’m not quite hungover, but definitely sleep-deprived and bleary. We are all making fun of each other today. World Cup!!!
AN ELEVATOR OF BEER how wonderful!!
Yes this is fantastic, where do I get one of those
I am currently in a car not he way to a wedding desperately wanting sleep (14 hours in the last 72 is insufficient) but Wednesday I hung out with a fellow Toastie and did dinosaur things and drank drinks and the movers packed all my things and I only have two more days of work at my old job! Then I’m going to take the motherfucking COAST STARLIGHT down to San Francisco and stay with Toasties and hang out with them and have SUCH FUN and then soon I will take FLIGHT and go work in Boston and it will be marvelous. Everything has been SHIT and STRESSFUL but soon I think it’s gonna all work out.
Ok Toastrons – seeking feedback about living with your partner…
Mr. Noodge moved back in about 3 weeks ago, after a 2 month separation. The separation was very helpful, and we are working through some unhealthy personal and relationship habits, and he is handling some substance abuse stuff, commendably I may add.
The thing is that once he moved back in, I found that it was difficult to sleep in the same room as him. Everything else is going really well, and I feel like we’re opening a new door to a healthy life, but I finally just realized that I want to sleep in my own room for a while. I’ve also got a lot on my plate, and my life feels pretty intense and out of my control, and bed time is a place where I really want to feel comfortable and “in control” – and even though my spouse is well-intentioned, I end up sleeping a lot less when we share a bedroom.
So we talked about it, and he agreed that it sounds like a good idea for us to sleep in separate rooms, at least until I’m done with school, but possibly longer. His grandparents did it their entire marriage, my best friend and her boyfriend sleep in separate rooms – does anyone else have experiences they can share?
(ETA: I’m also super stoked about having my “own” space – it makes me smile at random times during my day, and seems to help me feel a bit more autonomous, which is helpful in all our relationship work which is involving some codependence)
My grandparents always slept in seperate beds (and eventually seperate rooms) and I can totally see it working. I’m a really light sleeper and it takes me forever to get to sleep so adding another person to the mix just messes me up further. I don’t live with my dude so I haven’t brought it up, but I find that idea super tempting.
I had a similar circumstance, with the separation and getting back together and codependence. In my case, my boyfriend hurt his back, which necessitated him sleeping on the spare bed, which is much, much firmer. And then he just kind of… stayed in there, most nights. It works very well, except for one thing – I had just just just set up the spare bedroom as “my” space, with all my books and music stuff and whatnot. And since he and I have opposite schedules, a lot of times I can’t get in there without waking him up. So I need to re-arrange again.
But in general, yeah, separate spaces is great if you can swing it.
My boyfriend’s parents sleep in separate bedrooms (or did, for a long time, I’m not sure of their situation now). Mostly because they had completely different schedules and one of them was a snorer and it worked out really well. Sometimes it would be really nice to have a second bedroom to sleep separately from my partner, especially when one is sick or has a string of early mornings at work or something.
If it’s making you feel happier and stronger in your relationship, everything is consensual, and it’s not hurting a third party, go for it, is my general feeling about relationship decisions!
My dad is a LEGENDARY snorer, so he and my mom have slept in separate bedrooms for years. They’ve been married for almost 40 years at this point. 😀
I don’t know when “couples must sleep together or there is something wrong” became a thing. My grandparents had separate rooms and I thought that was great. See also all the old TV shows where couples had twin beds with a nightstand in between. I’m super into sleeping alone but boyfriend is super into falling asleep together so we usually compromise. I’ll put in cuddle time right before bed and usually sleep in the same bed but if I’m sick or really need a good night’s sleep or am just not feeling it I’ll get up and go sleep in the other room. Boyfriend appreciates that I’m a much kinder person when I’ve had a good night’s sleep!
You know on TV it was just so no one thought about S-E-X, right? I don’t know that that was actually a trend IRL…
It was, actually! It was extremely modern to sleep in separate beds, not like those horrible old Victorians where they slept in the SAME bed and the woman had to be constantly available to the man’s demands and had like a dozen children. Modern women had civilised relationships with their husbands in which they slept apart!
Aww, this was what my grandparents did. My grandma would wait until my grandpa fell asleep and then go off to do her own thing (he was a morning person, she’s a night owl).
Awesome! I’ve never understood the popular wisdom that being in love with someone means wanting to sleep with them every night otherwise IT’S NOT REAL. Fuck that, gimme leg room and alone-ness, I don’t care how much I love you.
Similarly, I always roll my eyes when a movie signifies a big, bad fight by showing a couple turning away from each other to sleep back to back. It’s more comfortable that way!
My husband and I just watched the doc “Tiny” on Netflix (it was meh) and decided that someday we would like to have two tiny houses side-by-side so we can each have our own space but see each other every day. Similar to Frieda and Diego. Sounds like a dream.
My question about the tiny house people, is where do they put the books?
Do they live in a tiny house, and have a regular house for the library?
Which actually sounds like an awesome idea: Little tiny bunkhouses in the backyard for the people, and a normal house for the books and the tools and the work space and the dinner parties.
YES.
My BF and I have a guest room, and some nights we choose to sleep separately and those nights are GLORIOUS. I think that, for me, it’s best if I share the bed more often than not, because the cuddling reinforces the intimacy, but having the option to sleep alone sometimes is beauteous.
My beloved and I sleep in different rooms because we have different sleep schedules and we are both light sleepers. It is WONDERFUL and MAGICAL and I don’t understand why it’s so stigmatized in our culture.
My husband and I have separate rooms as do my parents, my husbands parents and my bother and his wife. We all have very solid relationships and I am pretty sure one of the reasons is having our own personal spaces. If you have the room, by all means sleep alone. It does not mean you can’t visit sometimes if you want some snuggling.
ahhh, you guys are all the best! I love hearing these stories – just goes to show you that love is all sorts of shapes and sizes, and doing what feels right is healthy in so many ways! thanks so much!
A few things:
I had an interview on Wednesday that went pretty well, but it was very short. I think the hiring manager was more nervous than I was. Cross your fingers for me!
Please tell me to stop overthinking innocuous text messages.
unshored! I am almost done with your mix CD. I have the playlist arranged on Spotify, I just have to…um…acquire the songs. My weekends this month have all been booked, but I should have some time next week.
I am going down the shore this weekend, and I can’t wait. My friend and I are going to be as Jersey as possible and eat Wawa and pork roll.
taylor haaaaaaaaam
Jk jk, eat all the “pork product” and say hello to the Atlantic for me!
I’m glad your interview went well! I hope you get good news!
That is what I spent last Saturday doing – eating Wawa and Manco & Manco’s and sitting on the beach at OC. This weekend is supposed to be really nice (last weekend was overcast and cold)! Enjoy it!
I have been embluened!!!!!!!
i’m probably going to go back to pink in a few weeks, because comfort zone, but I’m also thinking brassy gold blonde maybe.
What are your hair plans in the next few months?
“Embluened.” I love it. ALSO love the hair!
Looks great! Compliments your eyes.
So my natural color is brassy gold blonde – is this hip and cool? Am I hip and cool like you?
Everything is as hip and cool as you want it to be! It’s all in the attitude, I promise.
Aaaaah you look so good! Jealous.
i am contemplating a Big Chop in the next few months. I have mermaid hair and am contemplating chin-length.
Doooooooo it!
You look spectacular!!!
My hair plans are boring (new highlights… only the second time ever I’ve had my hair dyed). My stylist is so over my indecision so she told me to make a pintrest board of hair I like. Hair Appoint Homework FTW
Oh yay! I am so glad you re-posted a pic because YOWZA.
I loved your pink hair, but this blue looks pretty damn spiffing too, so nice job!
Me, I’m desperately in need of a haircut. A friend helped me pick out photos to show a stylist because I’m really terrible about just going ‘oh fuck it, I’ll do the same thing I did last time’ after dithering over styles for months. And that is boring. Unfortunately now that I have photos, I need to find a stylist. I had one that I loved, but I’ve moved since and I’m still on a quest. I’m thinking that maybe I should just hit up one of the beauty schools and call it a day. Worse comes to worst, I just have to let it grow for a bit, right?
So great! 😀
I am having aaallllll my hair chopped off again on Monday. And possibly making it fire-engine red.
I’m new here so I just wanted to say, I’m so glad I found this site. Everyone here is so nice and interesting.
Such a great space!
Welcome and we’re glad you’re here and also nice and interesting!!!
Wow, thanks!!
You beat me to it! Wholeheartedly seconded.
Welcome welcome! There’s always more room on the Toast for rad people!
Welcome! I just got back from a week mostly without internet. When I went to my usual sites, I was struck with how mean and petty most of the comments were. Except for The Toast. This place is the best!
It’s the only place I read the comments!
Oh yes– I noticed right away how positive the comments are!
It feels odd– in the most delightful way– to find a place on the internet where not only are you given the benefit of the doubt but a strong sense of support.
You people are all amazing.
Yes isn’t it neat? I have only been here a few months myself and I am kind of astonished by how easy it is.
We’re glad to have you here!
Isn’t it so refreshing? Welcome!
sup
Gonna be on a float in the Chicago Pride Parade, so if you’ll be there watch for me dancing around (unless this weird sore throat gets worse)!
!!!!
We will be camped out at Oakdale and Broadway, what should the Toast Signal be??!?
Will also be float-ing in the Chicago Pride Parade! Send up the Toast signal!
I’ll be wearing this shirt or something like it: http://imgur.com/gQnY8yU
And probably some goofy mirrored aviators which are the only sunglasses I can find at the moment!
Hit me up on Tw? @rnrkd
It’s pigeon egg laying season agaaaaain! No matter how much we try to dissuade them, pigeons keep laying eggs on our balcony. I feel sorry for them, just trying to get by with their pigeony existences, but there ain’t enough room for all of us on the balcony, so I am going to eat the eggs, like I did last year, most likely on a pizza. I feel like a monster, but I like it this way.
Eating pigeon eggs on a pizza seems like poetic revenge against the many sins of pigeons.
You’re making the right choice. A few years ago, a pair of pigeons was nesting on our balcony. The first time, we pushed the eggs overboard. The second time they laid, I was in some sort of weird hormonal place and insisted the poor pigeons be allowed to LIVE, they’re in a WORLD they DIDN’T CREATE.
And that is how I learned that baby pigeons are f’ing disgusting.
Are these eggs fertilized? How would eating them work if they are? I’m assuming it’s a nesting pair laying them so I’m a bit confused but egg pizza sounds insanely wonderful.
Maybe? I dunno. I ate a couple eggs from the pair last year, and there was nothing but a wee yolk and a wee-er white. I held the latest egg up to the light today and it looked yolky still, so I will go with that. But yeah, I’m not a huge egg fan usually, but I like it in moderation which is why these are just right for me! haha :/
If you eat them very shortly after they’re laid, I imagine the chicks wouldn’t have time to develop even if they were fertilized. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell!
Yeah, eating a tiny baby bird fetus is pretty much my only issue with all of this. But if they’re still cellular, then DO IT UP.
haha yeah, trust, there isn’t going to be any bone crunching except those of man.
My entire life seems to be happening at once: moving into new house, taking my final EMT test, my sister had a baby, my dad has cancer again, and my new dog has decided he likes biting people so we’re in new lessons.
Were I not convinced I’m better as a sober person, I’d be bottle-deep in some whisky right now. Who is going to drink for me, in solidarity?
I won’t drink alcohol for you, but I’ll raise a tasty glass of something N/A with you in solidarity! Your life seems to eerily match your name, btw… :-/
Who is going to drink for me, in solidarity?
I SHALL THROW MYSELF ON THAT GRENADE FOR YOU, DARLING.
Oh, man. Life does happen all at once sometimes. That sounds like a lot. It also sounds like some of it is happy, which is a different kind of “a lot,” at least.
Good luck on the EMT test! (Also, I’ll happily do a shot for you. For luck.)
I am playing hooky at work for mental health reasons and it is a glorious day and I had iced coffee in the park and I feel better already. Gonna work on my laundry backlog in a bit but for now I am so here for open threading. Hellooo!!
*from work, not AT work. Work is the problem.
I was “sick” yesterday so I could see my parents who were in town for a brief visit and it was LOVELY. I went shopping with my mom, had a picnic with my folks at the lake, and then we sat out a rainstorm and then had dinner with my husband and it was all incredibly delightful and way better than work. Work sucks.
Picnic at the lake!! Way better than work, oh yes.
SO I am legitimately terrible at keeping (my own) secrets and I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is so hard to not just shout it from the rooftops, even though I know it’s not a great idea. But also I am super tired and don’t want to do ANYTHING so I also kind of want to be like, look, friends, I know I’m being a bummer but also I have a real reason for not hanging out!
How do I not just blurt everything out when, for example, I am on the phone with my mother? Terrible-secret-keepers and excellent-secret-keepers, please give me your advice?
Would it help if you devoted your energy into thinking of a cute and/or meaningful way to tell your mom or someone? I know I am 10x better at secret-keeping if I can focus on “but omg it will be so awesome when I CAN tell in this awesome way!”
Haha this is a GREAT idea! I love it.
I have never figured this out. I usually give in to the urge to blurt to one or two people, and then I annoy the ever loving fuck out of them by dumping all further urges to talk about the Secret squarely on top of their heads. I only pick people that love me for this.
Hahahaha I think this is basically my approach thus far. 1-2 people and a quasi-anonymous commenting account. But that’s all! Well maybe 3-4 people. But that’s it! For now. I’m the worst.
When we were pregnant that is what we did, we told our 3 close friends and then they had to listen to us for weeks and weeks and weeks.
And congratulations! You know it is not a rule you have to keep it a secret. 🙂
Not Letting On That I Have a Secret is important. Like, no hints, no “welll….” no VagueBooking, nothing. Maybe pretending you’re a spy?
Pretend I’m a spy! Magnificent. I am also going (per my partner’s suggestion) with “Remember how [relationship redacted] reacts every time you have Big Emotional News” which is truly an excellent deterrent. Also not on Facebook and am more of a blurt-everything-out or am-off-puttingly-distant sort of person, so the not letting on might be ok as long as I just give myself spy-themed pep talks on the regular.
Maybe it would be good to tell just one person (outside of your partner if you are with one)? Everyone’s families and social circles are different, but it could be helpful to have one person you can talk to who understands that this is not for public knowledge, etc.
CONGRATULATIONS!! *throws balloons & streamers*
My best friend had to stop talking to me for 2.5 months so she wouldn’t tell me. Lucky it was during my busy period at work and I knew she wasn’t mad at me and I figured she might be preggo and trying to keep it quiet.
Well, if I need to keep a secret, I just never ever bring up anything relating to the secret, ever. It’s a slippery slope to telling, for me.
Think of topics that have nothing to do with the pregnancy ahead of talking to people that you can ramble on about at length such that the person you are talking to will stop wanting to hear your stuff and want to start talking about their own stuff. If that makes any sense.
Good luck. You’re already doing a great job!
Remember, this is your last big chance to not discuss your pregnancy. Once you let the world know, the world is going to be up in your business, which sounds like it could be fun when you’re newly pregnant and bursting with the news, but one day, people may openly speculate one whether you’re carrying a boy or a girl based on the width of your ass, and you will long for the before-times, when it was just you and your fetus going on covert adventures together.
Hahahahaha this really made me belly laugh at my desk. This MIGHT be the thing to get me to keep my mouth shut. HAHAHAHA PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. Got it.
Pigeons aside, I feel like an old lady because I am getting way into balcony gardening. I bought some fuchsias at the local horticultural society’s plant sale last summer, and somehow they made it through the whole year, despite shit weather and getting landed on and broken by last year’s dumb balcony pigeons. But one of the plants has bloomed today and it’s awesome! It’s a fuchsia variety called Lady of the Night and has a big ruffley black center and I loovvvvve it. Yay balcony plants! They are survivors!
I have a balcony and would like to balcony garden. I have some herbs and some flowers out there now but next year would like to be more serious about it. Could you give me some links or book recs, maybe?
Greens are super easy, especially if you get a fair bit of sun. I’ve been experimenting with companion planting too, which reduces the number of pots you need if you can just throw some herbs in with larger plants like tomatoes.
http://www.grow-it-organically.com/container-gard…
http://www.ghorganics.com/page2.html
Thank you! This is relevant to my interests!
I am also an old lady then. Somehow I keep accumulating more pots every summer. I’ve waaaay excited to have a yard next summer but i’m slightly afraid of what will happen when i have that much room to play with.
@Silver Deer, hmmmm… when I got these plants, I just asked the old folks at the plant sale if they would work well in a container, and I’ve sort of been going off of that for a year. I’ve looked at a couple books at the library, but they are a bit too involved as far as outdoor design goes (one that I have in mind is called ‘Gardening Without a Garden’, by GAY SEARCH. Too good to be true. But, it does have cool color schemes and suggestions for growing things together in small spaces).
HOWEVER, here are a couple links I’ve consulted for the plants that I have, which have a charmingly geocities circa 2000 look about them. Mainly, I buy plants that I like at sales and if they are cheap at Sainsie’s, and then check out what sort of soil they need, etc. and pray that they don’t die. the RHS website is super helpful <a href=”http://(http://www.rhs.org.uk)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.rhs.org.uk) too.
For fuschias: http://www.fuchsiaflower.co.uk/containers.htm
For hydrangeas: http://www.hydrangeashydrangeas.com/index.html
Hope that helps a bit!
Moving into the new house next week!!! We’ve been painting, fixing broken shit, changing locks, planning a small kitchen renovation, moving boxes of stuff over… holy shit, this is happening. What a weird feeling.
Congrats! Just imagine how nice it will feel to be settled into your own (new!) space when you are ready to lie down and let the boxes bury you completely/you can’t imagine how you ended up with so much stuff.
Congrats! Moving is basically the worst thing with the best end result.
Also, remember a couple weeks ago when I was like, “should I buy a hatchet?” and you were like, “yes, you should buy a hatchet”? Well I didn’t, because I ran out of camping preparation money before I could, and there was no kindling at the campsite. Many splinters would have been avoided that day had I taken your advice.
Thanks!
And your anecdote serves to prove that I am only mostly full of shit! I hope you had a good time anyway, splinters and all!
Toasties, I think I might be trans.
…help? :/
Hey! I don’t really know you or your situation, but know this: however you came to this realization is OK. However you feel about it is OK. What you want to do about it, if anything, is OK. If random Internet stranger permission means anything, then you have permission to do whatever the heck you want with your body/pronouns/gender presentation. Know that Toasties are here to help if we can.
Thank you! Random internet stranger permission means a lot right now.
this entire thread is giving me such feelings. I love that you’ve come to us for support, and I love that you’re getting it. I have little knowledge about being/discovering one is trans, but your first step here seems good. <3
It’s giving me so many feelings too! You guys are great!
I don’t think I have any particular advice or anything but I *can* give you General Internet Stranger Support and tell you that you will definitely be okay, however you want to be it!
Hearing that I will be okay is so, so good. Thank you, Internet Stranger!
I will add to the random Internet Stranger Support group that is forming here for you! I do not know much about this type of a discovery myself but I am totally up for giving you any high-fives and jedi internet hugs you need.
Jedi internet hugs sound wonderful. 🙂
Just jumping on the welcome wagon to say hi and you do you and adjust as your understanding of you evolves. Judging by where you chose to announce it, you’re gonna do great.
I feel useless to you. I know so little about trans issues. But I want you to know I accept you as-is. Even if as-is changes, I will accept the new as-is. You are a very fine person, no matter how you wish to express yourself.
I’m not exactly where you are, but I am having unexpectedly complicated gender feelings of my own lately, and I haven’t figured out how to say anything to anybody about it yet. :/ Mind if I hang out in your thread?
Hang out as much as you like! *internet hugs*
More hugs from me.
You, whoever you are and however you want to express that, are glorious. High fives for you for approaching this chapter in your life and having the fortitude to address it!
THAT PUPPY IS ADORABLE
GET IT!!! Good for you with the coming out business! You know toasties are always here for you if you need it.
You’re the best! We love you! Let us know how things are going as you figure your stuff out.
I’ll report back. 🙂 I already love you guys, too!
You will be okay! Just having the self-awareness to realize that is a HUGE step. Make the decisions that feel right for you.
Another Internet Stranger posting to say that it is OK. Not easy or simple, but definitely OK, however it goes. Self-discovery is hard work so take care of yourself!
Soooooo Toasties who are parents, how did you and significant other (if there was a significant other involved) decide Now is a Good Time to Have Babies?
We were at a point where we felt we could comfortably provide for a kid – a different calculation for everyone, but for us, it was some savings, health insurance, and a home/city we loved.
We both wanted kids, but I was the one to push the timing. My husband and I were on a weekend anniversary trip, and I basically spilled out my anxieties re: pregnancy and he assured me he would still love me even if I became a husk of my former self (I dunno, weird anxieties). We had a lot of travel for friends’ weddings in the upcoming year, so we set a point after those, months and months out, to start trying. That was good, I think, as it gave me time to get used to the idea.
hmm, I’m getting to Ready to Do This by eschewing logic and just letting hormonal demands take over. I don’t know that there is ever a Good Time.
I kind of had it in my head that I wanted to start trying once I turned 30, and I did that in April… and also my birth control prescription was set to run out of refills nowishly, so a while ago the husband and I started seriously talking about ‘ok so how about when the refills run out, I just… don’t renew them?” and that is what we are doing.
I have an IUD, and (right now) our plans are similar – when it’s set to expire, so to speak, we’re anticipating that’s probably Kids Time.
Is it a Mirena? Because those last for a year after the suggested date – in case you need a couple extra months when the time comes.
I just got a 3 year implant, and we’re thinking that when that comes out, it’ll be time. It’s just before my self-imposed GET PREGNANT timer runs out, too.
I was not exactly directly involved in this, but we went back to school to get our BA in our early 30s so the decision was that once we graduated we’d start trying for a baby, to avoid having our first pregnancy at 35.
But with the second kid we got to the point where nobody was totally exhausted and it didn’t *quite* feel like the ‘right time’ but then we thought we might wait forever without it ever feeling like the right time, so we just did it.
In both these cases our partner really wanted kids but was not heavily involved in the timing part, he is younger than us so there is less of the body/time pressure.
I think how much effort you put into thinking it out is going to depend on you. Are you someone who does not like things to be spontaneous? If so it is probably good to think about housing/school districts/childcare etc. in advance. Not to plan it all out, I mean, but we found out when baby #2 was on the way that our partner was really secretly wanting to move to a few Big City places (where we live now is a big city too, but he had specific ones he liked in mind), and in none of them could we actually afford to live someplace with decent schools and we also couldn’t afford private schools. So I think talking between the two of you about what is important in those regards can help? But it is not necessary.
I didn’t want to post this in the cat thread and bring everybody down, but: Maisie, the sweet little stray I’ve been feeding and petting, who I brought to the vet yesterday to be spayed and vaccinated, died after her surgery. Apparently she had a blood parasite, and the stress of the operation (especially because she turned out to be very pregnant) was too much for her little body.
I know it wasn’t my fault–I couldn’t have known–but I’m so, so, so sad that my attempt to be kind and improve her life resulted in its end.
Oh, no, honey. I’m so sorry.
If it helps, her last few days were spent with someone who was loving and caring and doing the best for her that could be done. You were doing the right thing, and she’d never have been that vulnerable had she been taken care of properly from the start.
I’m so very sorry.
So, so sorry. You did all the right things. She was lucky to have you.
Oh lady, I’m so, so sorry for the situation. Like others have said, at least she spent her days with someone who loved and cared about her. You did the best you could for her, and you couldn’t have known the outcome. If it wasn’t for you, she would not have gotten the same love and care that you showed her.
I am sorry. But absolutely agree with the others – she went peacefully, not hungry and not in pain – that is not a given for a stray cat. You did a good thing for her, helping her on in comfort.
Good lord, I almost posted my condolences in a thread about having a baby. Note to self: Stop typing while weepy. I’m sorry for your loss (of a cat) & just wanted to add my gut sense that they really do know and appreciate people trying to help, even when THEY know it’s close to their time. My family was garbage at animals but I learned this in spite of them. You did the right thing, because the kind thing is always right.
Thanks, everyone. I’m letting myself have a wallowing day where I just watch TV with my husband and have burgers for lunch and dinner, and letting everything else wait.
Now if one of my dang cats would just come snuggle!
Your prescription for self-care sounds very wise, and your cats should get on that snuggling, stat.
I’m so sorry. You did everything you could do to give her care and comfort, and you did give her those things. That’s the most we can do in this world.
Oh, bb, I am so so sorry to hear this.
You did the right thing, and she knew some kindness and love that she wouldn’t have otherwise had. Surgery is always a risk–my lovely pumpkin cat, Marigold, went in for surgery to fix a problem, but she died of complications after a week in kitty ICU. It was something that the vet even talked about as a risk before the surgery, but he had never had it happen before. I still miss her, and her ashes (I paid the extra to have her cremated alone, instead of in a group) sit on my dresser.
You gave the little cat a chance; it’s not likely that things would have gone well if she’d had the kittens in such a debilitated state.
I always hug cats when things like that happen–they don’t like it much, but they more or less roll their eyes and put up with it.
Oh, that is so sad! Poor Maisie–I guess at least she was under anaesthetic rather than the parasite taking its nasty time.
And poor you 🙁
Poor you. Hope your cats are snuggling with you. You definitely did the right thing, and as others have said she could have ended in much worse pain.
While Legend of Korra isn’t nearly as good as Avatar the Last Airbender was, I’m still excited for the premiere of book three tonight. And since work is slow, I’ve been sorting AtLA characters into Hogwarts houses.
Sokka: Gryffyndor. Katara: Hufflepuff. Toph: Slytherin. Zuko: Slyntherin –> saddest Gryffyndor. Iroh: Saddest Gryffyndor. Aang: Gryffyndor/Hufflepuff blend.
Also “sorting characters from pop culture into Hogwarts houses” is basically the best time-killer.
Avatar Roku: misguided Hufflepuff. Azula: actually a Gryffindor. Wan Shi Tong: Ravenclaw duh.
I’m actually sort of curious about how few of the characters read Ravenclaw to me. Asami in Korra is maybe close, and Tenzin is for sure, but nobody else really! Lotta of Gryffs running around the Four Nations. And completely agreed on cautious optimism for book3. Though watching Korra always just makes me want to rewatch AtLA.
I feel like that’s possibly a by-product of both shows being set in war-time.
Other Ravenclaws: The Mechanist, probably all members of Order of the White Lotus.
I stopped watching because everyone dismissed her and hid thing from her, even though she was the goddamn Avatar – and then Tarlock gave her a tiny explanation and she snapped it up and did wrong things.
Too triggering! If you’re a girl, even being the Avatar is not enough to be treated seriously!
I love how I never, ever have to wonder when shows are starting back up again b/c the internet always tells me. Thanks!
i am having major imposter syndrome at my new job, but i know it’s not ALL imposter syndrome, cause, yo i’m new to this, i’m learning, okay? womp womp
who wants to talk orphan black with me?
WhatEVER you’re so awesome, tell your mean dinosaur brain to SHOVE IT.
Also yes I am here for Orphan Black always.
you’re so niiice. “mean dinosaur brain” is a phrase i’ll have to remember.
re: orphan black, the interrogation scene in the finale????? ahhh! i love that this show relays such a clear message that, at its heart, it’s about feminism and the need for bodily autonomy. SO GOOD.
That’s so true! I can’t remember the last time I watched a show that made me feel so little conflict about liking it. Like, pretty much everything on TV has cringe-y elements that you just have to overlook in order to enjoy yourself at all ever, and I appreciate how little of that there is on Orphan Black.
I was SURE Paul was going to be the male clone. Also, I have no idea where things are going to go from here, which is fun.
i was scared it was going to be felix! which i mean, i love love love felix, but i also like him being the sort of…non-clone in the clone club, haha.
i was also really relieved that it wasn’t paul, because the actor who plays paul is so darn wooden. like, hunky, i suppose, but also like a hunk of plywood.
i can’t believe mrs s…sold helena to the military???
I tell you what, I feel sorry for the military. Things have historically not ended well for Helena’s captors.
yeah, i have the feeling some eyeballs are gonna be gouged out with thumbs…
I’m so glad they didn’t go with Felix! And yeah, agreed on Paul. I just thought it was going to be him because of all the weird buildup about him and S and the military stuff and the constant meaningful staring out of car windows etc.
Whaaaat is Mrs. S even up to. I’m so sad for Helena that she didn’t get to go make out with Jesse’s face more 🙁
I never fully understood what Gracie’s dad’s whole deal was, either, besides wanting to make everyone have his terrible creepy babies? I can’t figure out if I missed something or if it’ll become clearer next season (Gracie’s marriage to Boy Clone certainly suggests there will be more to that story).
yes, did gracie’s dad know boy clone was also a clone?
i think mostly his deal was being a creeper, though. like, the mirror image of dr. duncan’s goals (which i’m still not clear on). but if dr. duncan saw the clones as ideal for some mysterious purpose that explicitly did not include procreation…then creepy-gracie’s-dad was the opposite. he saw the clones as some miracle baby-makin machines, which was perfect for his creepy baby-makin factory farm.
i really really hope gracie and boy clone get to run off into the sunset, but of course, so unlikely.
also, are we NEVER going to address kira’s preternatual intelligence and super-speed healing?? remember when she got hit by a car and nothing happened? that was definitely a plot thread, right, not just tv magic? gracie’s babies are gonna pop out with super powers.
No that was definitely a thing! And Helena has whatever it is too, right? Remember when she got shot and was dying in the hospital and then just got up and peaced out and everyone was like “She was like 94% dead what is even happening???” I hope they are holding this for the right moment and haven’t just forgotten about it, which would be pretty weird.
I reeeeally want to know how much Creepy Dad knows. He seems a little too familiar with Creep Science to just be some random religious nut applying his cow insemination skills to people… any chance he could’ve been involved with the original experiment in some way?
they kinda explained that away via the Situs Invertus that Helena has – she shoulda been hit in the heart but was not. The rebar in the kidney seemed more baffling, but yeah, for a show largely about relation to the body (by oneself and others) most everybody has super healing powers.
It’s not really clear how much cowboy man knew. All we really know is that he studied genetics at MIT and that his cult was more of a splinter faction within the Prolethean movement (a “new order”) that was more about exploitation than eradication. Presumably the Proletheans go back to 1900s eugenicists or whatever, along with Dyad and this new totally-not-the-Illuminati faction, and that’s how he knew about the clones, but the mythology’s a bit unclear beyond that. It’s unclear whether the book’s been closed on the Proletheans for good or if they’ll be back in some capacity.
It’s mentioned that Mark had debts to the cowboy man after leaving the military, much like the way Dyad got to Paul. After Cal mentioned his old project being sold to the military and after transclone’s (I forget his name) buddy was revealed to be an ex-serviceman who knew Paul it became pretty clear that the military was a third power player that hadn’t been revealed yet.
There is the possibility that cowboy man knew that Mark was a clone and the embryo growing in Gracie is actually (by sci-fi logic) some kind of superclone. That twist would shift focus away from Sarah/Kira, but it’s unclear how they’ll keep focus on clone club anyway with a new clutch of manclones, and you can only make endangered Kira the crux of the plot for so long before it gets stale.
well, the embryo growing in gracie is cowboy man/helena’s baby. mark even comments on how fucked up that is too, that it had to be cowboy man’s baby (so gross). for it to be a super-clone, cowboy man would have had to get his hands on some of mark’s sperm…which wouldn’t be totally improbable technically (since mark seemed pretty dedicated to the cause) but seems pretty improbable given how up-his-own-ass cowboy man seemed to be on the “father all the babies” front.
MALE CLONES WHAAAAAAT
CLONE DANCE PARTY YEAAAAHHH
their individual dance styles were much fun to see!
also MALE CLONES YAAAA i am so excited but i am also…worried? because, let’s be real, tatiana maslany is a FORCE OF NATURE. i am not sure if anyone can match her ability to make me squint confusedly at the short credit reel before going “ohhhhhh” nearly every damn episode.
BBC America has an extended clone dance party scene with some of the effects interspersed, and the whole crew dancing at the end. Horse and unicorn head masks are involved. Thumbs up, Orphan Black crew!
http://www.bbcamerica.com/orphan-black/videos/ext…
I feel you on the impostor syndrome front, I am 3 months into a job where I am expected to Make Decisions and Take Charge and Supervise Staff and I’m like – I’ve only been in this field for a year, 90% of the time I’m still astonished to realize that I’m no longer a teenager, aaaaaaaah I can’t handle this.
Like, the other day my boss’ boss summoned me to his office and I was like “SHIT I AM GOING TO GET FIRED” but it turned out he wanted my opinion on a project. It was a novel experience. I managed to say words to him, but in my head I was like let me crawl back to my cubicle and die there in peace.
ugh, yes. everything is way more high-stakes than i’m used to, which just makes me scared! none of my previous experience in the way-tinier, podunk version of this industry has prepared me for that particular aspect of my day-to-day work.
i am sure we are both going to kick ass and be awesome, though.
good show
GREAT, even
Last June I swore that I would not be working another June here. And yet, here I am. As of yesterday, I’ve already worked 60 hours, and there’s no end in sight. Also, when you have to work through next Thursday, is it appropriate to yell “I’LL BE HERE BECAUSE OF YOU!” at customers who wish you a happy weekend?
Oh, I feel you. I got a notice yesterday that our annual reviews start in a week, and ughhhhh I promised myself I wouldn’t be here when that rolled around again. Yet here I am.
So yesterday I followed a link to an XO Jane article about falling in love with an asexual man. The article was described as “beautiful” but I found it kind of offensive and distasteful–like, I get that the writer was heartbroken that the guy didn’t want to pursue a sexually incompatible relationship, and I get that she felt a little deceived, but there is not a lot of evidence that she gets that asexuality is a thing, that it might be a difficult thing to come out about or openly identify as. Except for a very brief shout-out to AVEN at the end, it’s pretty much a full card for some kind of ally-fail Bingo.
I came back to the Link Roundup yesterday to complain about it but then I realized that although The Toast is the source of most of the tabs I open at work, The Toast was not the source of this link. Of course it wasn’t! So now I’m complaining about it in open thread.
We must follow the same stuff other than The Toast, because I saw that too, with the same description (no memory of where, though).
I agree, I thought it was kind of eh. I think she had a right to feel somewhat aggrieved, in that the guy was not very open with her at all (the part where he agreed to have sex with her without wanting to seemed hurtful). But there didn’t seem to be much of a story or revelation there. It was a little concern-trolly at the end, like, “He should have seen that he shouldn’t have broken up with me! For his own good!”
I did too! I thought maybe it was the hairpin but a quick check of my reader doesn’t show it there. I don’t read xoJane at all and was considering reading that one, good to know I can skip it.
It was linked on TH as it happens.
I see what you (and she) are saying about the guy not being very open, but I also feel that it’s a good example of why the concept of enthusiastic consent is so important. There are lots of times and reasons why a person (male or female) might agree to sex that they don’t want, but a lot of them boil down to “Because the other person wants to and expects me to and I don’t feel that I can say no.” Which. . . just. . . I think the article got under my skin because when I clicked the link on a ladyblog to a ladyblog, I was expecting to see a little more respect for sexual autonomy. Like I kind of thought it would be a story about how a hetero woman loved and formed a respectful mutual relationship with an asexual man despite their differently oriented sexualities, or a story about how it didn’t work out but they had a respectful mutual breakup and she would like to testify as an ally to non-mainstream sexualities, or something. Just spitballing here.
” I was expecting to see a little more respect for sexual autonomy. Like I kind of thought it would be a story about how a hetero woman loved and formed a respectful mutual relationship with an asexual man despite their differently oriented sexualities”
Yeah, this, when I read the description on the hairpin this is what I was expecting? But it ended up being odd and offensive and just..maybe she should have taken a look at AVEN to remember that people who identify as asexual are also humans just like her? I also thought it weird that she was super bothered by his asexuality in a way that made it seem as if she felt it was deviant…but then totally glossed over the fact that a grown adult was using a minor as some sort of sexual control. I was also surprised that the author, on xojane, didn’t seem to feel like enthusiastic consent was important in her own relationship? I guess the whole thing just felt weird for me and definitely not what I would describe as “beautiful:
Ah, yeah, that’s a very good point about the enthusiastic consent! I was putting myself in her shoes and not his – I’m sure he felt enormous pressure. Anyway, yes, I agree. The revelation that asexual people exist seemed very grudging, and did not really break new ground.
I read it from the link on Hairpin, and left my angry-ish comment on HP. I agree, it was offensive and distasteful, and although the last paragraph was ok, it didn’t really mitigate what went before. Especially not with her immediately asking what his therapist thinks about it after he tells her (cause clearly there’s something wrong with being asexual and your therapist must have NOTES about it); quoting her friends who think there must have been some other nefarious explanation and he’s lying about the asexuality; and then the kicker quote from Dan Savage about how he just can’t really believe asexuality is a thing.
I don’t know if it was your comment I saw on the Hairpin post, but I saw *a* comment there earlier today when I was writing about it. . . and now there are no comments there.
The comment I saw was not trolly or abusive, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Mine had been the only comment earlier today. I would hope it was just a glitch, as it wasn’t offensive or abusive.
Basically the other half of my comment (just to move it over hear since there’s actually a conversation about it) was that I thought the guy lying wasn’t great; but that I thought dating the teenager, even if they didn’t have sex, was the bigger deal. So it was weird the article glossed over that like it was least of his offenses. And that he really probably should have been up front at the beginning about his asexuality and that he wasn’t sure how he felt about bringing sex into the relationship. But I think there are lots of issues that could potentially affect a relationship, sexual and in general, and only an individual can tell when they are ready to divulge them. When’s a good time to tell a partner you’re trans? Bi? Have a certain kink? Have low sex drive? Have sexual trauma? Etc? All very different issues that probably should be told to your partner at some point, but I think it’s up to the individual when they feel ready and safe enough to tell.
Yes, agreed, and thank you!
As someone who identified as asexual when I met my (hetero) partner, I was looking forward to a thoughtful, “beautiful” article by someone on the other side, as it’s a story that’s so rarely (in my experience, anyway) told. But no, just dismissive and sometimes demonizing (and you wonder, writer, why “the asexual” was afraid to tell you about his sexuality?).
I could go on, but just, ugh. In any case, I am eternally grateful that a) I am a million times luckier in my relationship than this poor man, and b) the toast exists and shows that there are other people who don’t immediately dismiss or ignore asexuality.
FALAFEL! I thought I hated it, turns out I just hate Tahini, but LOOOOOVE falafel! I want to eat it all! put it in my face!!!
Hahahahaha I love your enthusiasm for falafel. I am feeling this way about tacos right now, and particularly corn tortillas.
Crisped up corn tortillas make all the difference. I feel like flour was lying to me my whole young life.
Come over to the dark side, where we make our own corn tortillas from scratch! (It is very simple except for the standing in front of an incredibly hot pan for forever part.)
I like making all the kinds of griddle breads though. Pita, chapati, english muffins…
Oh god I love falafel but I will also take all the tahini that you don’t want.
oh god, tahini D:
it tastes awful to me. I imagine it’s a genetic thing, it tastes so bad, like when people have the “hate cilantro” gene.
And I’m a weirdo who likes tahini so much that I baked tahini cookies (which are similar to peanut butter cookies, but with tahini instead) a couple weeks ago, and ate most of them myself because other people were not that into them
(My bf ate quite a few out of love/free cookies!, but I think he still thought they were odd.)
see, that sounds ok? I love halvah, which is kinda like tahini, right? but i seem to only appreciate it in a sweet form – otherwise it’s like clay in my mouth :-/
i have had tahini cookies and they are AWESOME. i must be on the same tahini love train as you, though. mmm tahini.
Noooo don’t eat it all I want some tooooooo!
Not all falafel is created equal. Be choosy.
Personal finance thread!
My cashflow situation in in shambles. I’ve burned through the small buffer I keep in my checking account and had to borrow from savings to cover it. I’m lucky to make enough money/have enough liquid savings that I’m not teetering on the edge or anything, but I am not putting away anything this month and probably will not until September. My “reach” goal of trying to pay off a second student loan this year very well may not happen. Ditto replacing my laptop. One can’t have everything.
I’m trying to just relax, enjoy the upcoming vacations I have saved for, and not beat myself up too badly. Because that usually leads to a cycle of “I’m the worst” which just leads to “Fuck it all I may as well enjoy being the worst” and very high credit card bills.
Small victories: resisted an offer to go out to eat last night, and tonight my friend an I are staying in with pizza instead of going out to a dance party that would have resulted in $$$ bar tabs.
I’m not a financial adviser, but I am decent at doing money. Here’s my thoughts:
1. Go on vacation and enjoy yourself. If you’re worried about buying too much stuff, bring along a smaller suitcase so you can say to yourself “I like that but it won’t fit in my suitcase.”
2. Give yourself a “treat yo self” allowance. If you’re too strict all the time, then it’ll add up and you’ll feel deprived and then make a bad decision that’s a lot worse than just saying, ok, I shouldn’t go out, but I can still do pizza and hang with my friend.
3. It’s a reach goal and sometimes you don’t reach it. Don’t feel bad!
4. Your biggest asset is your ability to earn money, so you’re doing pretty well.
The Treat Yo Self allowance is the best thing. I am good at doing money, and this is the best advice I could give.
Brilliant. I am going to rename a budget line on my mint.com account to “Treat Yo Self” right this moment.
Hey you saved for vacations! You can totally enjoy those – and you’re not the worst, that’s a really great budgeting accomplishment.
I haven’t been in the finance thread before so it may have been recommended – but You Need A Budget is apparently very good for planning finances and staying within your budget. I’ve downloaded a free trial and haven’t tried it yet but it may be good to try!
Also why are bars so expensive?! I’ve taken to just having tap water and asking them to put a leaf in it or something so it looks like I’m drinking something grown-up…
My sister visited last weekend and it was THE BEST except also THE WORST because she was visiting because she’s deploying to Afghanistan next month (literally just got her text with the date). I am tired of people asking “But I thought Obama was pulling the troops out?!?!?!?!” and also assuming that my family is a sobbing mess. I just want to walk around with a big Emotions And Life Are Complicated tattoo on my forehead but I just got temporary tattoos from Emily McDowell so I’ll put on one of those instead (http://www.emilymcdowell.com/shop/product-category/temporary-tattoos/).
I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to have more than one emotion about something. Any Toasties with military family? Can someone tell me my “this sucks but is also totally normal because she’s in the military so, yes, obviously, war zones” feelings are valid?
Bah! My link doesn’t work. Sorry friends.
Try this one: http://www.emilymcdowell.com/shop/product-categor…
I am a military wife (but Canadian), and trust me, I am 100% feeling you. The feelings are so, so, so complicated. It is OK to feel bad and/or strange and/or excited about having gotten to see her. For real. Also you can email me if you would like to talk at sdqsdq at the gmails and I will be more than happy to listen and respond to all kinds of emails, at any time!
Thank you! I actually do have Other Feelings (don’t we always…) I didn’t want to write about here so I will probably take you up on that in the near future.
That is totally okay! I chatter on via email All The Time so I am always welcoming new people to chatter with!
Your feelings are valid! My dad deployed twice while I was a kid– 8 months in Saudi when I was 3 years old (during the first Gulf War) and then 7 months in Bosnia when I was 10. In some ways it was easier because I was a kid– people just let you feel however you feel and don’t ask you all the annoying questions. It was shitty, but life still went on.
It helps, emotionally, if you can buy into the “duty, honor, country” thing a little bit. Even if you’re not really a flag-waver, if you keep reminding yourself, “yeah, it sucks, but this is what she signed up for, I’m proud that she’s doing what she promised to do,” it makes the feeling of unfairness a little more manageable. It’s a good line to use on other people, too.
My dad was in the reserves and got called up during the first gulf war too, but I was a toddler and don’t remember any of it (and he was sent to a base in the states I think?).
One of my complicated feelings is that I’m very much against our involvement in the middle east, so in a way I’m glad her contribution is to help get us out. When people ask about “but I thought no more troops!” I am pretty proud to explain “Well yeah, but how do you think those troops/equipment get out??” so thank you for reminding me to think about that.
My brother’s military, and just returned from a deployment in Afghanistan. ALL your feelings are valid!
Do you have a Family Resource Officer or equivalent doing any outreach? The FRO for my brother’s battalion ran a FB group for families that was really helpful for me, especially b/c I live halfway across the country from my bro when he’s not deployed, so I was a little removed from the day-to-day of deployment.
You know, she probably does, but I haven’t heard anything. My mom is pretty active on her emarine site (moms) but my sister is single (for the military’s purposes) and an officer, so a lot of the information flow is dependent on my sister getting us involved instead of the military reaching out to a spouse or something. I have mixed feelings about how involved I want to be/how much information I want to get (from her versus from other sources) but maybe I should look into that and if I don’t like it – leave the group (or whatever), no harm done.
Also: feelings on being like…secondary? to someone as their sibling, rather than their spouse or parent. I feel badly for her boyfriend, who is REALLY secondary, but sometimes I feel left out as Someone Important In Her Life which is totally selfish, I know, but it’s a weird place to be in.
Oh god, absolutely. My brother and I are not super-close as it is, though he’s very important to me, so there is a layer of guilt on top of it: “If something happens to him, I’m never going to have the time to build the relationship I want with him.”
For me, being the sibling was weird because my mother vented to me a lot, and I had to sort of be The Calm One (as the secondary person in his life), when of course I was having all those anxieties too. But, you know, I’m not his mom!
My brother is a Marine officer too! Semper fi, I guess. 🙂 The FB group his FRO set up was moderated so that only family could join, but was otherwise just family posts – no sensitive info like would be on eMarine. It was a mixed bag, because boy was there some drama, but it was a way to feel connected to what was going on. I’m not sure if all FROs do stuff like that, though.
Oh man I didn’t even touch my relationship with my mom in the comments for many reasons. Thanks for replying; I’ll find out if there’s anything her FRO is doing! <3
Any Toasties with anxiety disorders who care to share tips that have helped them find and keep gainful employment?
^QUITE POSSIBLY THE SADDEST OPEN THREAD QUESTION OF ALLLLL TIME, but seriously, if you have em… hit me up.
I guess my first question is, what is it about your particular anxiety disorder that is causing the employment issues? I’ve anxiety and panic disorders and while it can sometimes be problematic in my job, for the most part it hasn’t been an issue re: gainful employment. But, I also have a fancy lawyering job where I have a lot of autonomy and no billable hours, so I may not have the best perspective here.
The main thing is that I have fairly frequent panic attacks, which started when I was in a horribly traumatic job but show no signs of stopping now that I’ve left.
I did consider law school, and even got some sweet-ass prestigious acceptance letters to hang on my mom’s fridge, but the debt freaked me out too much in the end.
Don’t go to law school! That debt is one of my main panic attack triggers. And there aren’t any jobs. And when you get one you have to stay there because soul-crushing-debt. I’m trying to take deep breaths as I post this.
So, there was a time when I was having nearly daily, sometimes twice or thrice daily, debilitating panic attacks where I would have to shut myself in my office and create a meeting in outlook so no one would bother me while I had a meltdown at work. That is, if I even made it in to work that day. I would wake up with such severe anxiety that the thought of leaving my bed was literally terrifying. The one thing that finally helped? Drugs. I’ve not got a cocktail going that works for me and I supplement with sweet, sweet, klonopin whenever I can’t deal on my own.
I’ve been dealing with this shit since I was 12 and it took 10 years for me to get on anti-depressants and then another 10 years after that to get the anxiety and panic disorder diagnoses and get medicated for that. And the trials and tribulations of getting the right cocktail have their own fun ramifications (fuck you lexapro and the 40 extra pounds you added to my frame). If drugs are the route you end up taking, just find a doctor who is willing to listen to your concerns about side effects and is willing to work with you and change meds if need be.
Oh man, I feel you on the lexapro side affect pain. I’m on generic prozac now and have no side affects! but also no diminution in panic attacks, so clearly my cocktail still needs some work.
Thanks for your reply. I think I’ll see how therapy goes and then if necessary see if my doctor is willing to switch up my medication at all.
Buspar Buspar Buspar. I have Generalized Anxiety and have been taking it for years because antidepressants didn’t do anything for the gut-wrenching panic.
Oof. Becoming self-employed, for me. I figured if I was going to white-knuckle through life it would be easier to do it on my own terms. And, as it turns out, having responsibility without commensurate authority is a huge anxiety trigger for me, which made me miserable, which made me eventually spiral out at every job I’ve ever had, so I kind of lucked into that particular Good Life Decision? This may not work for everyone, but I’m wishing you lots of luck.
PS I don’t think it’s a sad question, I think it’s a fantastic question, FWIW.
That makes a great deal of sense. Do you mind if I ask which field you’re in?
Nope, don’t mind at all. 🙂 I’m a writer. Or, rather, that is currently how I make my living. (I apparently have an attention span of about 2-3 years though, so…it’s possibly time to start thinking about a new project.) I write fiction under various pen names which I can’t divulge without horribly fucking up my ability to write said fiction in a timely manner, so that’s as far as I can go. I can say I built my pen names by writing like a demon, though. Like 10 genre novels in…ugh less than two years. The ability to employ selective tunnel vision helps a lot, which is good, because I’m pretty sure that started out as a maladaptive coping mechanism for anxiety. Silver linings!
I feel like I should say that before the writing started to bring in some dough I had a different business which was not nearly as lucrative, and was thus NOT an improvement in the anxiety department. Looking back, most of my life choices have been about learning my strengths and limitations and finding ways to structure my life around them. It took constantly face-planting through out my twenties to get there, though, so…don’t feel bad if it’s hard? I think it’s supposed to be hard.
Thank you so much for your reply, that is really helpful. (And the last two sentences are like a balm to my soul right now).
I completely understand if you don’t have the time and/or aren’t interested, but is there any way I could email you to ask you a bit more about how you got started with freelance writing? Just in case, my email is [email protected]
Email incoming!
I have apparently lived with one for years, and have only recently come to terms with it / started treating it. In my case, the “worst case scenario” thinking I did actually made me a better debugger of code and an incredibly careful scientist for years. It’s only when the horrible self doubt and anxiety started becoming actively stymying and destructive that I finally got help.
It obviously depends on the type of anxiety. In my case, it was “What if I forget to do something and ruin everything? How will I ever get everything done? I am a failure!!” So for me, making lists and planning ahead was a major help. If I knew what I had to do, I was less prone to panic and disaster-thinking. Easing myself into stressful situations was good, too, like “I don’t have to drive on the highway right away. I can go the other way if I want to, and take the highway when I feel up to it.”
Ultimately, therapy and some very minor medication are what’s helped me the most, however. Once I got over the anxiety of trying them, of course!
Thanks! I have an appointment to get set up with some therapy next week, and I’m really hoping it will help.
You should feel really good that you took the step to make an appointment because I know myself when you’re feeling anxious making a decision like that in and of itself can be really tough.
Also, pro tip, if you don’t click with the therapist, for whatever reason? Find another person. It is worth it. It’s totally reasonable to cordially decide you want to not see that person again even if you just get a weird vibe, and if you do return you should be looking forward to talking to this person. It’s like a date with someone who may be working with you to alter your brain chemistry. I feel SO strongly about this.
My friend was going through a really tough time and began therapy, but it really didn’t seem to be helping even after like several months, and when I asked her I discovered just these little comments the woman would say that were kind of dismissive and a tone she would use that made my friend feel like a horrible person for thinking her problems were real. So basically she didn’t REALLY get help for all that time, because she felt like this person was judging her so she couldn’t be frank with her. I was absolutely furious that this therapist was such an idiot, and I convinced my friend to switch to someone else using threats to burn the jerk’s office to the ground. She starting improving with the new person almost immediately. So I am all about not settling!
Hope all goes well for you!
Not personal experience, but if it’s something that is sometimes totally debilitating, look for employers that are covered by FMLA (50 or more employees) so you can take a few weeks off when you find yourself on the verge. Plan for that possibility by researching state disability insurance or saving enough money so that you can take some unpaid leave when you need to.
Thanks! I’m not currently in the US, but that’s a good thing to keep mind if/when I’m back.
Easier said than done, but my work life improved dramatically when I found a job that lets me come in a little later than most, and a living situation that cuts down on my commute. Not getting up super early= getting enough sleep to resemble a sane person most days. I also keep a dry erase board right next to my computer with a big list of everything I need to do, so that when I get into the “oh god the pile of things I need to do is literally infinite and I’m probably forgetting something that’s about to ruin my life” kind of thinking, I can just look at the board and see that no, the list is finite, and everything is on there. And if that doesn’t work, I have Xanax in my purse.
Also, I keep reminding myself that there is a reason they call it an anxiety disorder and not a reasonable reaction to truths in the real world. Just because I’m freaking out does not mean that things are actually falling apart. And the inner certainty that I am a terrible incompetent employee is something I came up with on my own, not something that my boss thinks.
“there is a reason they call it an anxiety disorder and not a reasonable reaction to truths in the real world.” I am legit going to make a poster that says this. Thank you. <3
For me personally? I have Ativan to keep in my purse to take on an as-needed basis. Over many years I’ve learned to manage my anxiety so I don’t have many panic attacks any longer, but my anxiety disorder (or whatever it is – it was never formally diagnosed beyond a therapist telling me, “You have anxiety.”) is really a relatively mild one now, all things considered. The pills HELP. Mainly because sometimes just knowing I have a pill in my purse to make this better is enough to bring me down from the edge, and then I don’t even need to take the pill.
I have weird mental block-ish aversion to benzodiazepines because one of my grandmothers spent a lot of her adulthood completely conked out on Valium… buuuuut as I type that it’s really hitting me how little sense it makes as justification for avoiding something that could help. Ha. Thanks!
If it helps, the small dose of Ativan that I take makes very little difference in how I function. I work in an often high-stress environment and I can work fine if I haaaad to take an Ativan. (If I didn’t get enough sleep the night before it does make me sleepy, though.)
Got none. But hoping to learn something in this thread. And I can offer support for you and your feelings.
It is seriously amazing how kind and helpful the people who read the Toast are. I’m really glad that this thread is helpful for another anxiety-haver <3
Oh god my second heart emoticon in one day. I blame this thread for being too supportive and thoughtful.
I have PTSD and have had the same employer for more than a decade. A mixture of counseling, avoiding stressful situations (debt, illness from not taking care of myself, etc), and small amounts of benzos has helped.
I made it for a couple years without scrips and generally don’t do well on SSRI’s–I don’t like taking prescription drugs. But I’ll tell what really helped was hypnotherapy. The session was recorded, and I put it into itunes and on my phone–if the going gets rough, I lay down for about thirty minutes and go through the session again. I have three to choose from. Some of the best money I’ve ever spent.
Good luck!
So! I have been struggling to track down new books to read. In addition to my quiet/ongoing quest to read books form around the world, I’d like to occasionally throw in books that are:
-written by women or POC or ideally both
-not YA (I know YA gets a lot of love and maybe I’m just a hater, but I don’t want to go there yet)
-fun? I like sci-fi and fantasy, and sometimes I don’t want to read things that are incredibly intense or about The Struggle.
Basically I’d like a queer, female, non-white version of Terry Pratchett, and I’m soliciting on here because even though We Need Diverse Books is doing a fantastic Summer Reading List, I don’t want to read YA. I want something with a bit more heft.
[I love Roxane Gay’s writing style but I think I am too soft for An Untamed State. -_-;]
I’m reading my way through Nicole’s Really Good Books About Lesbians list, which is pretty diverse and the comments are full of suggestions. http://thehairpin.com/2012/02/really-good-books-a…
Nicole – do more reading lists for us! (with Amazon and a Powell’s links please?)
Thank you!!! I know many folks have thrown out good suggestions in the comments as well.. I just need to start bookmarking or tracking all of these recommendations in a google doc.
How about Darkover novels? Written by a woman, not YA, scifi/fantasy, and while maybe not FUN, they’re not intense.
Oh man, Darkover novels! I actually read a bunch of them when I was in HS. I have fond memories of them, but now I’m not really sure what to do with any of MZB’s work, especially with her daughter coming out against MZB’s involvement in sexual abuse.
I loved them in high school too, but then I reread Darkover Landfall recently and a major plot point was how the badass lady just needed to realize that settling down and having babies for the propagation of their race and also wearing skirts* all the time was what really made her happy and fulfilled. And then I read Thendara House and it wasn’t bad but it was a little Feminism 101.
*Wear skirts if you want! But don’t, if you don’t.
Yes, I reread Darkover Landfall and was just like ???!!! Right when I reread it I thought maybe she was trying to be nuanced, but no, apparently MZB was preaching what she believed at the time, she wrote articles in the 50s and 60s about it too, how women’s lib was all just because of population pressure and if people could just have the babies they would be fine, and anyway women are too stupid for power.
Then I read her depositions about her decades of covering up her husband’s child-rape and THEN I read her daughter coming forward about that abuse, and … ugh. Just ugh. I am not into the whole idea of ‘You cannot like work written by people who do evil’ because work is work and people are people, but I do not think I can get the taste out of my mouth with this one.
Velveteen vs. the Multiverse by Seanan McGuire is all I can think of, but I also want the queer female Terry Pratchett to exist, so. Keeping an eye out.
Word, thank you!
Oooooh wait. it might be Velveteen vs thesomethingelse where the queerness really comes out, so to speak? Erm. Velveteen vs The Junior Super Patriots I think? Also, I think all the chapters are serialized on her livejournal for free, although the ebook versions might be a different in a second-draft edited kind of way. ANYHOO I am a sucker for queer women anything, so, grains of salt and what not, though I think Seanan McGuire generally has a good writing rep.
Octavia Butler! She wrote some really interesting (and sometimes squidgy) novels, mainly featuring ladies of color as the main characters. Kindred is a stand-alone/”literary” work where a 1970s woman accidentally time-travels to antebellum Maryland and crosses paths with her white, slave-owning ancestor, not much scifi really, but really good. Parable of the Talents gives you post-apocalyptic survival with a dose of lady demagogue. The Patternist series, starting with Wild Seed, has two apparently immortal characters (but not vampires! Although she has a vampire novel too!) who have spent hundreds of years living among all us normal and not so normal humans – one of them, Doro, is kind of like an African, immortal, Machiavellian Dr. Xavier.
I actually took a college class on her, and I can talk about her for way too long. She isn’t funny like Pratchett, but, as someone who loves Pratchett, I can say that I also love her books, for what that’s worth.
I do love Octavia Butler! I read the Patternist Series in a weekend and WHOAAAA that was intense. I’ve also checked out NK Jemisen, but have been slightly stymied by mypublic library to get the rest of her trilogy. Thank you for the recommendations though, I may check out Kindred as well.
I also read her trilogy with the aliens which was also pretty crazy, and now I can’t look at rubbery things with tentacles the same way.
Yeah, the class discussions for the Lilith’s Brood series were pretty uncomfortable/fun. Her vampire one Fledgling (which she apparently started to counter writer’s block on something else) has awkward sex scenes as well, but more from the perceived age of the vampire girl than tentacles.
Came to recommend “Kindred” which I’m reading rt now, and of course a Toastie beat me to it. How have we not solved the world by now?
Daniel Jose Older’s book of connected stories Salsa Nocturna is a lot of fun! Paranormal-y with a mainly Puerto Rican, Black, and Cuban cast. (There’s one story that bugs me but as a whole I like them.)
Thank you!
Have you read Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice? I picked it up on a recommendation from the Toast and it is GREAT. Very well done sci fi with lots of deep thoughts about gender, but also lots of spaceships and gunfights.
Interesting! I have not delved into sci-fi for a long time but now I am definitely interested…
Ancillary Justice was really REALLY good, but go into it knowing that it is the first of a trilogy so you do not go ‘wait, how on earth is this going to hold its shape??’
Did you see that TOR is offering its original fiction Hugo finalists for free? There are some awesome stories in there with diverse characters. I really enjoyed them all! http://www.tor.com/blogs/2014/05/get-torcoms-orig…
Also, in a steampunky romance theme, Meljean Brook’s Iron Seas series is interesting and diverse (the Mongols conquered Europe).
And I really loved Three Parts Dead by Max Gladstone- alternate reality/fantasy land with a POC necromancer badass lady main character. “A god has died, and it’s up to Tara, first-year associate in the international necromantic firm of Kelethres, Albrecht, and Ao, to bring Him back to life before His city falls apart.”
Three Parts Dead was excellent!
WAT
These are excellent suggestions, thank you!
Alif the Unseen by G. Willow Wilson. SO. GOOD.
*looks up* WOW
Nnedi Okorafor writes awesome fantasy/scifi set mostly in west Africa
Brown Girl in the Ring by Nalo Hopkinson–all her stories draw on Caribbean mythology/history, I’ve only read a few of hers, but this was my favorite
Thank you! I’ve been trying to track down some Nalo Hopkinson at my local library, but..*glares at library*
These are mostly author recs so you might want to look at specific books/series to see if they seem like the sort of tone you’re after? I don’t like grimdark, and all these authors seem to me to write in a kind of… optimistic, positive voice, but they vary as to fun-ness.
In very much no particular order
MCA Hogarth, Mindtouch
Tanya Huff
Martha Wells
Sherwood Smith- Coronets and Steel and its sequels (Ruritania with magic)
Diana Wynne Jones
Lois McMaster Bujold
Ankaret Wells
Melissa Scott, and also Melissa Scott and Lisa Barnett writing together
Jacqueline Koyanagi
Housuke Nojiri
Karen Lord
The recent Women Destroy Science Fiction! issue of Lightspeed seems to have a lot of really cool stuff.
<3 <3 <3 Thank you for this slew of author recs!
Seconding Sherwood Smith! I loved the Inda series and am going to have to check out Coronets and Steel now.
Commented about this on BourneApprox’s similar thread, but: Lightspeed just did a Women Destroy Science Fiction issue, which would be a great resource for authors.
I never think to check out magazines and other websites. -_-; Thank you for this!
Have you read Helen Oyeyemi’s “White Is for Witching?” I devoured it in one long fever-day while I was sick, and it’s GREAT. Fits several of your specifications, and although it’s much darker than Pratchett, that’s more in an eerie ghost story way than too-real darkness. (And I did crack up a few times.)
Seconding the recommendation for Ancillary Justice. You might also check out Jacqueline Carey’s work. You’ll know pretty quickly if it’s for you or not.
I just finished reading The Female Man by Joanna Russ and fell in such utter love. I don’t normally read SF, but based on my affection for “How to Suppress Women’s Writing” I thought I should check out Russ’s fiction. I guess this one is a little intense, but it is also really, really fucking funny and I feel like the high level of misandry in it is a great fit for Toasties.
Mama Day by Gloria Naylor is excellent. I would characterize it as magical realism, probably. It focuses on a woman who is from a small, mostly-African American island off the coast of the southern US that doesn’t belong to any state, who has moved to New York and then is coming home. So very good.
You could try “Ascension” by Jacqueline Koyanagi – space-opera-ish, protagonists with chronic illness / disability, diverse ethnicities, LGBT.
I’VE BEEN GONE AND I MISSED OPEN THREAD SO MUCH.
Updates on my life
1. Got married
2. Went to Sri Lanka and hiked around ruins and ate a million good things and enjoyed it thoroughly
3. Came back and am now working HARDCORE on finding new freelance/jobs. I don’t even really know what I want yet, I just know I want to find myself in a place where I am writing about things I like for enough money to live on. Whether that’s through all freelance (eeps), a part time something plus freelance, or a full time writing gig, I’m not sure but I’m looking and it’s intimidating. But now my brainspace isn’t taken up by wedding planning and anxiety, and I feel like I have a lot more to commit to this.
Anyway I missed this place!!
4. GOT KICKED OUT OF A BAR WITH JAZMINE
THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF MY WEEEEEEEEK
????!!!!
Congraaaaats (on the marriage part) and I demand to hear this story immediately please
We went out after the HEY LADIES LIVE event (WHICH WAS AMAZING) and maybe someone had a bottle of tequila in their purse and maybe it was cheaper to drink that way and possibly a bouncer saw us idk.
Is it on youtube or something?? I’m so sad I missed this (because I don’t live in New York)
BAMF.
This place missed you! Congratulations! Hope you enjoyed all your adventures.
Congratulaaaaattioons!
Your number 3 reminded me – someone said you should be Hairpin editor…does that help?
WHAAAAT omg well that does a TON for my self esteem! I will be eagerly awaiting their call. (Seriously dream job)
Welcome back! I want to hear everything you want to share about your wedding and your trip and your job search.
Ahh! Well, I don’t want to be one of those people who waxes on about their wedding because weddings are very specific and complicated and not everyone needs to have them if they don’t want and we should value many many different relationship models! But, it was pretty wonderful. I was a bit stressed the week leading up to it, and feeling very “let’s just get this over with,” and then the day came and I was relaxed and zen and happy. I also was blown away by how loved I felt from our community, and consider myself very lucky.
The honeymoon was just incredible, both because Sri Lanka is an amazing place and because we were happy to be traveling together again. We spent a few days in Kandy, then went up to Sigiriya and did a bunch of walking/hiking/biking around buddhist ruins. And after that we spent a week on the beach and snorkeling in the Maldives.
Also you know, this:
I hope you stay at The Hairpin forever!!!
Welcome back, and congratulations on the married!
I had a great week in live music! First I caught a free Kaiser Chiefs show at a tiny club, (AWESOME) and then I got to see The GOASTT and Beck at an art museum! This weekend I might try to catch one of our locally-famous bands, Wild Adriatic. They are constantly on tour, so it’s nice to catch them when they are in town.
What live music has embiggened your lives, Toasticles?
Oh oh! This year I am trying really hard to get out of my comfort zone and take advantage of all the fun stuff
Brooklyn has to offer, and to that end, I have already seen FOUR free concerts this year. Cibo Matto, Screaming Females, Janelle Monae, and Chvrches. All of them were fantastic in their own way, but of course Janelle especially killed it.
That’s awesome! I’m WAAAAAY upstate but still, stuff comes our way every blue moon. I’m right with you about it not being in the comfort zone though. But I’m always glad I went, even if I’m anxious beforehand.
I am seeing OK Go in 3 weeks and I caaaan’t wait!
I love live music. I became friends with the boys from Terrorvision 20 years ago because my BFF and I went ot see them so often, and then when they reformed they remembered us and we are all still ftriends which is lovely, and I met my other half through the lead singer, as well as a lot of gig-friends, so they would be top of the list. Lovely guys and great music.
My ex is in a ‘locally famous’ band, I do miss going out to see him play a few times a week. We’re still friends but I don’t go to see him play any more.
This month coming I’ve got a few good things – Faith No More and Soundgarden in Hyde Park next Friday, and then in three weeks the launch party and pledgers’ gig for Tony Wright’s (singer of Terrorvision) solo acoustic album.
I’m seeing Robyn + Röyksopp tomorrow during Pride so I fully expect to have my heart filled with joy.
And on a completely different and wholly frivolous note: my two best friends in Supernatural fandom officially left angrily over what they perceive (perhaps rightly) as queerbaiting re Dean and Castiel, and now I can’t talk about it with them, and my husband doesn’t care, and I really miss it. And I’m going to watch season 10 because I’m engaged with the characters and want to know what happens, and I honestly still think there’s a possibility Dean and Cas will get together in a kissing fashion. But I miss getting to squee about it on Twitter, and I hate reading their anti-SPN tweets now, because they make me feel like I’m a bad person for not turning my back on a show I love.
But hey, if I continue to watch the show even if it’s not respecting its queer viewers, I’m a terrible person and part of the problem, right? Despite the fact that SPN’s the only show I watch with all-white-male leads. I’m the worst.
Anyway, it all feels very dumb on my part, and very much reinforcing the “SPN has the craziest fandom” thing, and I’m embarrassed to even talk about it. But it’s this lovely, fun part of my life that’s tainted now, and I’m sad about it.
Ugh, fandom drama and problematic media, I feel you. Also when you’re left dangling in a fandom everyone else has left (I am literally the only person left still writing RPF fic for my baseball team).
Can you mute them on SPN nights? And maybe branch out to find some new folks? I know, you want to talk to YOUR FRIENDS about what used to be YOUR SHOW but it might help. Good luck!
I do know some lovely folk on AO3, we just haven’t crossed into “btw my name’s not Amelia_Clark” yet.
Grrr, this is the problem with the decentralization of fandom. Ao3 isn’t really a socializing place, and people just reblog stuff on Tumblr instead of contributing their own stuff so you don’t get much of a sense of personality. Meeting new people is way harder unless you make a huge effort, the old discussion forums are mostly vanished. 🙁
Right, Tumblr was great for securing the gifsets of Dean Winchester eating I desperately needed, but it’s impossible to actually carry on a conversation.
*sad fistbump of solidarity*
I watch SPN, but I’m not in the fandom and that makes it easier. I am in the Sherlock fandom, though, and we’re having our own little meltdown right now and it s-u-c-k-s.
if I continue to watch the show even if it’s not respecting its queer viewers, I’m a terrible person and part of the problem, right
Nah, bb. Not at all. It’s okay to like problematic things. You just gotta recognize the whys and wherefores of liking problematic things.
Ugh, that kind of makes me feel worse, particularly “refusing to fully engage with their issues is a form of oppression.” Because I understand and support and validate why they quit, but I really really really don’t want to talk about it any more, because I inevitably plunge into an abyss of self-loathing that can end with my thinking “well, I might as well just shut up and kill myself and let the less-privileged folks have the world.” WHICH I KNOW IS OVERREACTING, but it’s how my stupid dysfunctional brain works, and honestly why I have to pull out of a lot of social justice discussions for my own sake. I dunno, does that count as “fully engaging”?
I understand and support and validate why they quit, but I really really really don’t want to talk about it any more
So…don’t talk about it anymore? Are your friends insisting you defend yourself for continuing to watch the show? Because fuck a bunch of that.
No, they’re not. I’m just feeling subtweeted when they talk about how the show’s insipid and terrible and the fandom’s toxic. Which maybe they aren’t. But you’re right, I don’t have to respond (and I don’t).
Yeah, that’s hard. I’m sorry you lost your squee partners. =(
I know exactly how you feel – I have a lot of things I watch/play/watch people play that have problematic elements. And I feel like a lot of people take the approach of “this shitty thing happened, I will never watch this show again/subscribe to this YouTube channel/support this game publisher,” and I think that’s admirable.
But for me, I feel like it is required of me to think critically about the situation and really make sure I am not making excuses for the perpetrator. But I also give myself permission to still consume or enjoy the product if I want to. For a while, I’d feel like I was doubly mad, first at whatever shitty thing was said or written, and second because now I could no longer do this thing I enjoyed. So now I continue watch whatever show as long as it still mostly brings me joy, and just make sure I recognize that bad shit.
I can’t help but think critically about everything, so I think I’m safe there. And I know it’s very very minor that I won’t be able to tweet about SPN when the season starts up (in October, ugh), but I will really miss it.
Weird question, but do you think it is worth *starting* to watch Supernatural? I’ve had it on my netflix queue for a while and I want to make it my Next Show To Watch but the impression I’ve gotten from the fandom is DON’T NOT WORTH IT I HATE THIS STUPID QUEERBATING SHOW ALL OF THE SEASONS ARE TERRIBLE. But on the other hand it has a fairly devoted fandom so it must be pretty good even outside of the fandom drama??
Selfishly, I want to say YES MARATHON IT AND GET BACK TO ME IN A WEEK OR SO.
I mean, it’s got problems, sure–but if you love monsters and handsome men having feelings, definitely give it a try!
I am a more casual fan of the show. I REALLY like some of it, and the nice thing about being super behind on it is, if you’re getting irritated, you can look ahead to see if the rest of the season/storyline/whatever is rife with stuff that’ll piss you off and just skip ahead. (TWOP is really great for this and their archives are still up. http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/superna… )
The other has gone on (yet another) bachelor’s party which means I get to go to the beach and do nothing for the weekend! My reading list:
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
Snapper
Packing for Mars
I’m want to add some comics to round it out but I’m not sure what to look into next. Here’s what I’ve been reading lately:
Saga
Sex Criminals
Ms. Marvel
What comics has everyone been reading?
Ever read Ed Brubaker/Sean Phillips? Both Criminal and Fatale are jaw-droppingly good, the first straight noir and the second Lovecraftian noir, which I didn’t know I needed to read before I did.
And the new Ghost Rider‘s pretty good, and there’s a new She-Hulk comic focusing on her legal career. 😀
Ooh! 1st issue of Fatale is only 99 cents on Comixology….. aaaand added to my beach read list. Thanks!
Yay! Oh, and if you’re open to manga, Kyoko Okazaki’s Helter Skelter and Pink are great and smart and feminist and sexy.
The mister really enjoyes Guy Delisle’s comic-book travelogues, especially Pyongyang and Jerusalem.
I am also open to comic books so I am going to camp in this thread too.. *whistles*
I just finished the first three volumes of Saga and was totally blown away — very excited for new issues!
If you haven’t read Stumptown I heartily recommend it. Also, Blacksad, because why wouldn’t you want to read about a mystery-solving cat?
I’ll have to check out Stumptown. I’ve heard lots of good things about it. Main character is a woman AND a PI? Yes please!
I keep meaning to read more comics. I looooove Saga, and I’ve been meaning to read Ms. Marvel at some point. I should probably finish the first trade of The Manhattan Projects that I stupidly stopped reading at some point.
Hey, speaking of comics – best username/avatar there! Not lying!
Haha thanks! Lyingcat is the best cat. #yeahisaidit
I couldn’t get through the first issue of The Manhattan Projects. I think it was the art that I was having a hard time with. Should I keep going? I feel like that’s a dumb reason to stop reading.
Hah, I’ll let you know if I ever manage to finish the first trade! My husband seems to like it a lot, though. I can see the art being offputting.
Pretty Deadly is great – kind of a Sandman-y vibe, with supernatural stuff, but definitely not derivative. Also very pretty, and also written and illustrated by women and with mostly female characters. Also for something just silly and very fun, check out Atomic Robo (this was their free comic book day offering a couple years ago, and it still cracks me up every time I read it).
Thanks for all the suggestions everyone! I’ll have to put them all on my reading list.
Does anyone else read Sex Criminals? Can we make this thread also about Sex Criminals? I really want to talk about Sex Criminals….. Sex Criminals
Love Sex Criminals! Love it!
I will be the 20th person to recommend Saga — it’s amazing.
I read the first volume of “Rat Queens” last night and was not super impressed but would keep reading for another volume. It has potential, and I love that it’s centered around four women, but at the time I felt like it was the comic version of the dialogue in an RPG game and I think it can be more than that.
SO WHAT IF YOU LIVED IN NEW YORK AND WANTED TO GO ON A TRIP WITH YR BOYFRIEND TO A WARM PLACE FOR RELATIVELY CHEAP AND YOU WERE ALSO SUPER CUTE AND MILDLY JAZZY OR WHATEVER IDK, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?!
(San Juan?!)
Went to Ponce a few years ago, and it was a blast. Jet Blue tickets are cheap, it wasn’t especially expensive (except for beer, which is marked up / the local rums are a tasty alternative), and the flight was astoundingly short. Have fun!
New Orleans or somewhere in the Carolinas!
New Orleans!!! Also I’m not sure about prices but I’m sure you can find some fun stuff in the Florida Keys?
As Jaya mentioned, Florida Keys!!! You can fly into Ft. Lauderdale/Miami, whichever is cheapest on whatever given day, then rent a car and drive down to the Keys! The drive itself is super fun and pretty and you can stop at various keys along the way.
For added savings, you might do what my gf and I did: bring a cheap-o tent and camp at state parks on the way down to Key West. Saved us a boatload, and then we splurged on an actual hotel in Key West. Super fun.
I went to San Juan in February from NY, and it was pretty cheap and also very fun and beautiful.
Come to the Carolinas or Georgia!
Thirding the recommendations for New Orleans! It’s the best!
SAVANNAH
Savannah, GA. I went their with my boyfriend. It was amaaaaazing. And cheap. We drove down. We did spend the night part way through the drive (this is probably unnecessary for you but we took a car and I can’t drive and he needed a break. If you can switch off driving duties or take a train this is not an issue) but we spent it at a pilot refuel station so, free.
Anyway, while there we stayed in a youth hostel in a pretty building and Savannah was gorgeous and warm and there was so much Spanish Ivy and everything was historic and beautiful and the main street area has all kinds of neat shops and SCAD is there so you can go to the art museum and it was so gorgeous there and you can take a ferry to Tybee Island if you want to go to the beach and it was so gorgeous.
Also the historic center has no open container laws so you can go into a bar and get drinks to go and they give you to go cups and you can just wander and drink forever.
GUYS, my job is a horrible shambles and I loathe it and my boss. I applied for a new, perfect, amazeballs job that would fit be SO well, but I haven’t heard back. I heard through the (possibly unreliable) grapevine yesterday that they’re doing their preselections and either are or will be calling for interviews soon but I HAVE HAD NO CALL and I am really, truly upset about this because I would just adore this job and be SO GOOD at it. So good. Sob.
You don’t need that job. I have created a new, PERFECTER job and you are hired for it right now. And they will all be really sorry that they missed out on having you, but it is their loss and you are off flying around with unicorns and saving the world in a really self-fulfilling way RIGHT NOW. (wish I could do this, for real. Job searches are terrible. Many internet hugs and fingers crossed that you hear back)
I wish I could do this too for everyone job searching! It’s so awful when work sucks out your every feeling of joy. Sigh.
Where are my unicorns.
I want that job for you. I have felt your feelings. It sucks. I would rather think they don’t deserve you if they can’t scoop you up immediately for that new job. But then almost anything would do, sometimes, just to get away from the current job. Oh, I have soooo been there. Best wishes.
I’m sorry! I also just heard back from a job that I had phone interviewed with (not to mention taken TWO three-hour tests for) that they don’t want me, and I am also pretty bummed. But we will get through this! There are better things out there.
Friends, it has been so long since I’ve made it to an open thread.
I successfully moved, and enjoyed unemployment just long enough to realize that I’m not going to be able to survive the whole summer without a job. So I have an interview in about an hour with my town’s visitor center. Keep your fingers crossed for me, because it would be Super Rad not to have to work food service, even if it would only be for the summer.
Hm I don’t know what else. I miss The Toast.
I hope your interview goes/went well! I’m sure you kicked ass.
I don’t like Dave Eggers.
The last time I read him I really liked him, but that was a long time ago and I’ve changed so much since then, and now I wonder if I’ll just think his books are nonsense.
word
thank you! i just had to read the Circle for my book club and i put it off so long that i had to read all 500 pages in like the last 3 days and it was the woooorst. he is not very imaginative and also does not fact check and also so heavy-handed all the time.
that said, i really like mcsweeney’s, so i always feel a little bit bad about ragging on him.
ugh this is one of the books for my book club coming up and I have no desire to read it. He talked about doing little to no research about the internet or Google or whatever the hell he is talking about in the circle. ugh ugh ugh.
I have liked him fine on This American Life, the few times he was on it, but I cannot seem to give a shit about his not-out-loud writing.
He seems like a nice person and I love the work he does with kids, but I just kind of ignore his own writing and am happier that way.
I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER TECH PROBLEM AS LONG AS I LIVE
solidarity girl
OH MY GAWD YOUR WHOLE WEEK YOU GUYS
so sorry
and thanks
Computers run on magic. You kill the wrong process and you are literally sucked into a hell dimension. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen enough times.
No, no. My best IT consultant explained that computers run on pixie dust. He also recommended sprinkling pixie dust over the users who created their own problems but expected you to fix them again and again.
It’s magic smoke. If the magic smoke gets out of the computer, the computer will never work again. If you see the smoke escaping, give up.
Toasties! Anyone have tips for dealing with irritating sibling-in-laws? My brother’s partner is very difficult and often insulting and no one in my family can stand to spend much time around her. This, however, kills my poor sweet brother, who can tell his family is not as enamoured of his lady as he. This all seems to be coming to a head – she wants to meet with us to hash it out, we’d prefer to pretend everything is fine. Any thoughts?
How long have she and your brother been together? It seems totally weird to me that she wants to have some sort of giant meeting with your family.
four years! I know. She and my brother are of the opinion that everything will be better if we just talk it through. I do not feel this is true.
Perhaps this is because there is a safe distance (physically and emotionally) between I and my partner’s family, but the idea of sitting down and doing “feelings talk” with them is HORRIFYING. Sometimes people just don’t get along and that’s it. As a commenter said down below, it’s probably worth it to gently call her out on some of her offensive stuff, but I really can’t see an all-hands conference ending that well.
Maybe find out why or in what ways she’s difficult and insulting? Is it just that she has a really warped sense of humor? Because I often used to put people off with my exceptionally dark humor until I learned to dial it down around people who didn’t know me well. If she wants to meet with you to hash it out, I think that’s a good sign. Also, if your brother really is sweet and loving, surely there’s gotta be something below the surface that you all just can’t see?
That’s all positive thinking which is really NOT MY AREA, but…it’s possible?
That said, I was with a guy for seven years and his family NEVER got to the point where they appreciated me or my humor, so…. *wince* Sometimes people just don’t like each other and that’s something that everybody just has to deal with.
Good luck.
I feel like this is wise advice. She’s from a veryyyyy different background than us (country/class/culture) and I think that really makes a difference – things that she thinks are ok to say are not what we think of as being ok to say (and she, in reverse, thinks of us as being incommunicative and cold)
Oh, in this case it actually does make sense to talk things through, since she comes from a different culture. If you can take her desire to talk with you as a sign she wants to be connected with you and cares about all of you and your opinions, despite what seemed like past evidence to the contrary, and can try to meet her overture with warmth, things could really get better.
I am married to somebody from another culture and class, and our differences are not as great as yours it sounds , but I have totally found it to be helpful to talk through some differences and label them as “cultural”, not anything to be taken personally. You already know this, but getting her to act like someone from your culture is probably a lost cause, and rightly so, just as her getting you to act like someone from her culture is, also. The good part: you might get her to stop saying certain things, whatever they are, and you also might end up listening to her explain that various things aren’t meant negatively and that she hopes you hear the larger context around what she says, i.e. her affection for you all as the family of the man she loves.
The planned sit-down aspect sounds kind of excruciating, but maybe you can all treat the situation with a sense of humor and it will be all right. Good luck!
I’ve had MANY issues with my sister’s husband in the 12 years he’s been around. It got to the point that I refused to share space with him, which meant that my sister and I rarely saw one another. It took a major event (my mom’s death) for me to just suck it up and deal with him again, and I’m so glad I did. My sister and I are really close now and I just generally ignore the husband. I think the best thing would be to casually confront the partner in the moments that she is being difficult or insulting – nothing too harsh, just a few words to let her know “that is not okay.” This way less resentment builds up, hopefully she’ll cut that shit out, and you still get to see your poor sweet brother.
Hey DC area Toasties, anybody want a murder mouse?
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/pet/454009…
MURDER MOUSE!
Your story about Watson a few weeks ago totally stayed with me. I told it to my husband and he was equally impressed. I hope Watson finds a good home!
I am genuinely fond of her now that the initial shock and horror have passed, but for the sake of my mental health I really need an animal I can interact with on at least a daily basis. And I just don’t have the physical space to maintain Watson properly and have another pet. I feel bad about trying to find her another home, but I don’t know what else to do.
ETA: Also, thank you! She is impressive!
I’ve got cats, so no mousies for me, but I live in the DC area so I posted it on facebook. I feel like one of my friends might need a murder mouse.
Thank you! I would feel better knowing she was in the possession of a Toast friend.
I misread that as murder house, so when I clicked the link I was very confused.
Well, she does come with a murder aquarium!
Yeah, I thought, “Oh, that must have been the house they were talking about. A murder mouse house.”
So Mr. Fringehead moved out just about six weeks ago, and it was really shitty for a while, but then this week it was much less shitty. I definitely miss him, but, like, as a best friend, not as a romantic life partner? Maybe I’m still a little in shock, idk. Plus I’m just finding the idea of going out with friends sometimes, staying in sometimes, hooking up with guys sometimes, hooking up with vibrators sometimes, whatever, really appealing. I always overthought that kind of thing in high school & ended up at home by myself more often than I wanted to be; I think I’ve got a much better handle on what I like & don’t like now, so better late than never.
But! I want to also be friends with him, and that’s stressing me out a little bit. Mostly I feel like I should follow my strategy of doing what feels right and then stopping doing it if it doesn’t anymore; should I just trust him to do the same, & tell me if it doesn’t feel right to him?
Every successful ex-turned-friend situation I’ve ever seen has involved a total communications embargo for a least a little while. It’s awesome that you still want to be his friend but maybe just don’t talk for a month or two and then slowly experiment with friendness? That way, you have time to sort yourself out and you won’t be in danger of confusing all of your feelings for him.
I’m glad you say that, because I actually haven’t talked to him since he moved out, and some of my friends seemed to think that was very strange. But I don’t really have anything to say to him (i mean, other than hanging-out type stuff, which I’m not quiiiiite ready for), and I feel like if he wants to say something, he knows my number.
There was no way I coudl have been friends with my ‘big’ ex after we split up. I missed him enormously as a best friend, but by the time it ended I didn’t like him very much, and it hurt me so much to lose him that I figured if he carried on as he was I didn’t want to be friends with him because he wsa a cockwomble, and if he pulled his head out of his ass and went back to being the person I missed I’d fall in love with him again and that would lead to disaster.
I am still kind of friends with my other ex, but he didnt’ break my heart nearly as badly, and I still didn’t speak to him for six months, and even now we only really communicate by text.
I am having this exact conundrum with my ex right now. Like I know I do like him as a person, he is just being – to use your word – a cockwomble. I find it easier to hate him at the moment and that makes him all like ‘whyyyy can’t we just be civil to each otherrrr’.
Except he doesn’t understand and keeps breaching the embargo I have placed on us. It’s like whack-a-mole, I block him on gchat, he pops up on WhatsApp, I block him there, he rings me. Ugh. Good thing I am moving to another country in a week.
Every successful ex-turned-friend situation I’ve ever seen has involved a total communications embargo for a least a little while.
This. Give yourself both some time. A lot of time. More time than you think you need.
I didn’t talk to an ex of mine for nearly a year after our break-up. Five years after that, I was a bridesmaid at his wedding for which I also made all the bridesmaids dresses. Rock-solid post-romantic friendships are possible, but man those scabs can take forever to heal. Let ’em.
Yes, that is exactly what I want. I’ll have to talk to him soon-ish because I gave him until our lease is up at the end of August to decide if he wants to stay married (I mean, I’m pretty sure the answer is no. But I really hope he doesn’t make me be the one to initiate a divorce that I didn’t even want in the first place). But then we can not talk for a while, and maybe I’ll hook up with other dudes, or maybe not, and then eventually we’ll go to our friend’s kung fu movie night together and all will be well. Or not, but I’ll probably start going to the kung fu movie night again at some point because I really liked it so there.
OK, so you know how I was right about the hatchet? GreenGrasses is just as right about the communications embargo. It will save you from so, so many emotional splinters.
The-Toast.net: come for the hatchet advice, stay for the emotional counseling.
T SHIRT
I have no advice, but I like you and think you’ll do the right things for you when the right things present themselves to be done. 🙂
Everybody here is SO NICE.
I mean, this is the one place where most of us feel like we can be nice with impunity, though, isn’t it?
General good policy among everyone I’ve ever known is to wait a period of at least 6 months before going back to being tight friends with someone you’ve broken up with. People seem to think this makes you a bad sport, but no monogamous person I’ve ever known has done anything but hurt themselves or their former partners by sticking around. Even among people for whom the breakup was mutual and amicable.
I mean it’s not like radio silence must be maintained or something, you can be polite and you don’t have to avoid each other after a time, but you can’t go straight into acting like you haven’t just severed a major bond with someone. You gotta at least put some distance between yourself and the muscle memory of being in a romantic relationship or else someone’s gonna end up confused. That’s from my observations, anyway.
I tore half my little toenail off on my drunken stumble home from the bar last night, but I was right by a little playground so I just sat in the tire swing and criiiiiiiiiiied.
Aww, I’m sorry! There was a guy on my bus who was TWEAKING OUT, like flailing all over the place and constantly bending over like he was gonna throw up, but thank god he did not.
At least I got to swing! And then I realized I’d left my purse in the bar and had to go back, so at least I wasn’t all the way home, and I got my 10,000 steps in according to my FitBit.
Silver linings!
Nice! I’m still getting a little bit of a warm glow from how confused Striped Shirt Guy seemed to be that we didn’t actually care whether he was impressed by our pool-playing skills.
I mean, I had a hard time keeping myself from swooning and falling into his arms immediately when he told me my shot was “Not bad for a girl!”
I like playing pool, but I like playing Distress-a-Dudebro even more.
This whole thread is amazing and I love it.
Toasties, how do you tell if you are being overly sensitive or whether you have a problem that needs to be confronted in your relationship? I feel like I have no ability to rationally sort my emotions into the appropriate bins, if that makes sense. Like in hindsight, I always realize when I’ve been avoiding talking about an important issue, and when I exploded at my partner over something that really didn’t have much to do with him. But in the moment, I feel like I have no ability to tell whether I should just be doing some deep breathing until the freakout passes or scheduling A Talk. dkjhsdkdh TL;DR how do you manage being an anxious twerp in a relationship
Always do deep breathing! My problem is that I get cranky about dumb things but then the crankiness lasts and I’m a jerk to my partner and others for no reason. So nowadays, when I’m feeling like I want to slap babies and all men, I just take a second to breathe and ask myself why I feel that way. It’s helpful for sorting things out into “not worth it” and “Big Deal.”
hahaha, you sound exactly like me, but better at deep breathing! Guess I just need to practice not letting small irritations snowball into assholery or despondent moments.
Trust me – “fake it ’til you make it” totally works for this kind of thing. Like, if I analyze myself and come to the conclusion that whatever I’m angry about isn’t a big deal, I just slap a smile onto my face and act grotesquely upbeat until all the bad stuff has dissipated.
I talk to my partner about my twerp tendencies!!! We have a ~running dialogue~ about exactly this, not knowing if there’s a real problem between us or if it’s something else.
So like, I actually say things like, “Okay I can’t tell if you’re being a horrible human or if I am just crabby. I feel really [X] about [Y thing you did] and I can’t tell if that’s legit?????” and I will talk in circles for a little while. She does the same thing.
The more I talk it out, the better I get at sorting my feelings. As a bonus, my partner has gotten pretty good at recognizing when I’m mis-sorting a feeling (“You have every right to feel frustrated, but I suspect you are not weeping hysterically JUST because I misplaced your shorts…”).
This is remarkably helpful, I don’t know why’s it’s never occurred to me to have this dialogue out loud? For some reason I always feel like it will be super disruptive to the relationship if I freak out over something that isn’t totally legit. It sounds like almost an out of body experience where you rationally discuss your irrational self like a third party. I think I can do that.
Oops. We’re basically comment twins. *fistbump!*
how do you tell if you are being overly sensitive or whether you have a problem that needs to be confronted in your relationship
There is no such thing as being overly sensitive. If you have a problem, that is a problem that needs to be confronted. If being a sensitive person is part of your personality and your partner can’t deal with that, well…
The trick is, I think, to address the problems rationally. Experiencing an emotion doesn’t rob us of the ability to communicate in a logical, civil manner. And if it does, then that is not the moment to discuss it. Leave it until you can talk about the issue without dissolving into tears, rage, or both.
yes, yes yes. You guys are great. This is just what I needed.
If it bothers you and keeps bothering you, you’re not overly sensitive about it. But whether or not resolving it will end up strenuous isn’t entirely up to you. I would think a good partner wouldn’t react to their squeeze coming to them with an issue as though she were the problem.
I’m resolved to read more Sci Fi and Fantasy by women this summer, so I just started reading Lois McMaster Bujold’s Curse of Chalion last week. And you guys! It’s amaaazing! It’s the Game of Thrones I apparently always wanted but never could find. All the same kinds of world building elements – a five/four part god system with the Mother, Father, Daughter, Son and Stranger Bastard, lots of court intrigue and backstabbing overseen by a weak monach, a Tywin-esque patriarchal chancellor, and lots of black birds (crows, not ravens!).
But instead of gratuitous rape and pornographic violence, it feels legitimately mature and adult, rather than being “Mature.” The female characters are all wonderful. The world is patriarchal, but this is expressed in a way which doesn’t involve constant explicit sexual violence. And it’s damn well written – the plot is engrossing, and the characters are all well-drawn and subtle. Why didn’t I know about this years ago??
Anywho, Toasties. Any other recommendations for ways to get the Good Parts of Game of Thrones without the Bad Parts of Game of Thrones? (Already read Robin Hobb, but feel free to talk about how AWESOME Robin Hobb is!)
Consider some Guy Gavriel Kay? He is much more on the sweeping, grand side of High Fantasy, but there is still plenty of grit involved. I have never read another author that makes me feel so full of wonder at human potential and passion, and so heartbroken at human failings.
Recommended reading: Sailing To Sarantium and the sequel, Lord of Emperors (lots of court intrigue) or Tigana (sweeping story about fallen countries and home and loss)
I think I looked into Sailing To Sarantium at some point, but it wasn’t on Kindle? But now I look, and it is? *ADDS TO LIST!* Thanks!
Thank you for mentioning this!!
Oh dang, I missed your request on the first page! She’s not a PoC, but there are at least some queer characters. Also, the sequel, Paladin of Souls, is supposed to be even better, and features a middle aged woman as a protagonist. So that’s cool.
Yes, that one is my absolute favorite. So so gorgeous.
No worries! I will take any lady-written fantasy too! (That isn’t the regulars, e.g. MZB or Mercedes Lackey or the lady who wrote the Perth books)
Well, Connie Willis isn’t epic fantasy, but she’s amazing. And has won eleven Hugos and seven Nebulas, more than any other writer! A lot of Doomsday Book is set in the 1300s, so that could feed your taste for kirtles & whatnot.
I really should read those at some point…thanks for the recommendation!
The Doomsday book is so good I sat in a bath reading it until I finished, by which time the bath was completely cold, and I was snot-crying all over the place. I’m a disgusting human being, but that book is gold. (Except it was written in the past, so they have time travel, but not mobile phones, which was sort of hard for me to wrap my brain around).
YES. That fallen apple, man. That effing fallen apple.
(And I read it in the mid-90s, so luckily the lack of cellphones didn’t faze me.)
Today I discovered that Tang-dynasty Chinese poetry has a poetic epithet for the snot that runs out of your nose when you are crying, and it is in fact considered a beautiful image to refer to the ‘jade snot’ of a crying woman.
So, snot-crying, poetic and beautiful!
See, that’s a fucking recommendation.
There are two well-regarded stand-alone sequels to Chalion: Paladin of Souls and The Hallowed Hunt. I haven’t read ’em yet, because after I finished Chalion I dove for Bujold’s Miles Vorkosigan books. I’ve heard the titular main character described as “Tyrion Lannister, but if he was raised by the Starks;” you’ll know best if that appeals to you.
That does appeal, in many, many ways. I think I actually got the first Vorkosigan in a Book Bundle, so I’ll bump it up on the ol’ backlog!
Paladin is Souls is excellent; Ista is the main character! A disabled and marginalized character who’s aware of her privilege! The Hallowed Hunt is still good, but not AS good.
Miles is the best. Ekaterin is also the best. Everyone everywhere fades in relation to Cordelia though; Cordelia is the greatest character ever, and I am sorry we have not gotten to meet more people from Beta Colony. (Because Bel is also really cool.)
I really enjoyed “Ethan of Athos” – he’s from an all-male planet, and she writes him as free from a lot of weird masculine bullshit – both in terms of his life goals (raising a million babies, continuing to do neonatal/pediatric care) and in his total lack of desire to mansplain ever.
Have you read it? <<spoilers>>
How do you feel about Terrence deciding to try being gay? Should we read it as “someone who is mostly straight but slightly bisexual might choose to be in a gay relationship if that was what was supported by society” or “you can pick your orientation if you try” (ickickick) or “the best way to manipulate Ethan into fulfilling Terrence’s life goals is, as a depraved heterosexual, getting him to fall in love and support Terrence while Terrence raises a billion psychic children.”
Check out NK Jemisin’s Hundred Thousand Kingdoms. Really appealing heroine and fantastic world-building. I have the second book in the series (The Broken Kingdoms) sitting on my coffee table at home and I CAN’T WAIT to get home to it tonight.
The first book was so good. I honestly started on a Saturday and could not stop aside from bathroom/eating breaks.
It is a travesty that I have not read this yet. It is high up there on my backlog list, and must be read soon. Thanks for the encouragement to get to it soon!
Under the Killing Moon is so so good too. Alt-Egyptian fantasy with cool assassin-priests and other coolness. So excited for her new book to come out!
I mentioned loving Katherine Addison’s The Goblin Emperor in another thread this week, and it has some similarities to Curse of Chalion, especially because the protagonist Maia reminds me very much of Caz.
Ooo, never heard of this one. Sounds solid!
Ursula K LeGuin is my go-to rec for female scifi and fantasy. Also check out Sherwood Smith, and I haven’t read it but people I know love the Steerswoman series (blanking on author).
The Earthsea books were one of my first “adult” fantasy books, so I love them dearly. Somehow I have never read The Left Hand of Darkness, however, so that’s next in the backlog list, I think! Shall check out Sherwood Smith – thanks!
I’d recommend the Dragon Prince/Dragon Star books by Melanie Rawn if you want some less Martin-y stuff along the same lines. There are dragons and castles and dynasties and magic and all that fun stuff.
“Dragons and castles and dynasties and magic” – aw yeeeah. At some point I came to the conclusion that I damn well love the trappings of high fantasy, and should just embrace that. Thanks for the recommendation!
Is anyone else excited that there’s a NEW Robin Hobb book out in August about Fitz and the fool etc?? 😀 😀 😀 It’s been about ten years since I read the last one and I remember practically nothing, but it’s 100% going to be my holiday read this year.
All I have to say to that is YUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
😀 😀 😀
I’m a little* obsessed with the Stormlight Archive series by Brandon Sanderson (the first time I’ve cried/with joy reading a book since college) and also The Kingkiller Chronicle series by Patrick Rothfuss. Both series are unfinished – Stormlight is on Book 2 of 7 and Kingkiller is on 2 of 3 – which is frustrating but the universes the authors create are SO great.
*like a LOT obsessed
Oooo, I just finished Words of Radiance and loved it dearly! Though I am hoping that the events at the end of the book will lead to Kaladin becoming less of a stick in the mud. (Though I’m not sure I can really blame him for being a stick in the mud, given his experiences?) I have *very* mixed feelings about The Wise Man’s Fear (the second half of the book is basically Kvothe wandering around and becoming super-badass sex-having ninja dude?), but I really enjoyed The Name of the Wind, so I’ll still read the third book when it comes out!
I really liked the audiobook versions of these too, read by Lloyd James. I get distracted from audiobooks really easily, but he was such a perfect narrator for Caz – such a convincing old man.
I’ve noticed an odd quirk with Lois McMaster Bujold – lots of her main couples are really May-December romances, a good 20 years difference in age, and always with the guy being older. I’m so used to being really critical of such pairings in literature (male fantasies! unequal power dynamics!) that I am getting uncomfortable with the multiple pairings that she has. I dunno. Maybe it’s just me.
Yeah, I’m not finished the book yet, but the Caz/Beatriz romance is the only part that I’m not 100% in love with, probably for the reasons you mentioned. It’s delicate and both characters are well-drawn, though, so it’s a very minor misgiving.
That is part of why I can’t decide if it is a harmless tic or an issue: each relationship seems completely sensible and dynamic and complex on its own, and then I noticed the trend in her other works…. Maybe she just thinks old dude faces mashing with young lady faces is hot? Like, aesthetically?
Finnikin of the Rock by Melina Marchetta was pretty good too, as were the sequels. There was an excerpt from a Holocaust poem in the first one, and it is pretty unusual (for me, at least) to read a book that can say “hey, let’s talk about the Holocaust and genocide and displaced peoples through the lens of a fantasy world in a YA novel” and not hate it. There are certainly issues with the books, but I think they are good enough to make some discussion of their flaws worthwhile but not central.
Oh dang, that sounds dark! Might have to check it out just to read something totally different from the usual “casual brutal fantasy violence.” Though it’s usually considered the “worst” Song of Ice and Fire, this is one reason I actually kind of like A Feast for Crows – it shows what the war of the five kings has done to the common people and society of Westeros.
Oh hey, and Lightspeed just did a Women Destroy Science Fiction issue, which was a great way to find authors to read!
Oh, totally sweet! Thanks for the heads-up on that!
YAY, the Curse of Chalion! <3 <3 <3 that book.
My sweetheart is a big LMB fan so I have read ALL of her stuff. My personal fave is Connie Willis, and we actually got into a debate about which of them had won more Hugos. The answer is that it depends on whether you’re talking about short stories (Willis) or novels (Bujold).
If you like Curse of Chalion and the sequels (which aren’t really direct sequels per se), definitely check out the Vorkosigan books. Start with Cordelia’s Honor and go from there (because Cordelia is The Best)
Everything I hear about the Vorkosigan books makes me want to read them even more!!
Affirmed: the best.
CORDEEEEEEEEELIA!!!!!!
Seanan Mcguire is one of my favorite writers currently writing. Both her October Daye books and her horror writing as Mira Grant is really really good. I recommended her last week, so maybe I should recommend someone else, but someone already beat me to N.K. Jemisin so whatevs.
Also, Robin Hobb is great and I can’t wait to read more of her current dragons series.
Hah, when I googled her name, it looks like I’d been to both her website and twitter before? I must have read an essay by her at some point and liked it enough to check out her work. Time to formally put it on the to-read list – thanks!
Sherri S. Tepper writes stand-alone books rather than sweeping series, but I always get completely sucked into the worlds she builds, which are unique to each book and really engrossing. She writes with a serious feminist and environmentalist agenda, so the moral of her works tends to be similar from book to book, which can be a pro or a con depending on what you’re looking for.
Patricia A. McKillip writes in a rhythm that sucks my brain right onto the page- coming up for air from one of her books is always disorienting to me. Oddly, I’m especially terrible at remembering plot points from her books, but I associate them with a very specific brain-feel. Which I’m sure is totally helpful as a recommendation 😛
McKillip writes such beautiful odd books, they are just like nothing else.
And the male hero abandons agency for duty! And the female heroes never do! And it’s based on Iberian history! And there’s a sequelI Starring Ista!
I’m in a bad mood because of some jerk who called me at work (I am a government librarian) ostensibly to ask if he could come and do some research. But then he started throwing all these buzzwords at me – like “pathfinder” which I had to look up and which literally just means “subject guide.” Come on, you couldn’t just say subject guide, dude? It made me feel stupid and confused, which I resent.
He seemed shocked that my library doesn’t have subject guides – I’m sorry, pathfinders– on our website, and started talking about how his organization wants to write some pathfinders related to our resources. Dude, are you doing research or are you a consultant stealthily trying to pitch your services, because this is the government and we have strict contracting guidelines in place and we don’t just decide to do business with randoms who call us up out of the blue??? He was all smarmy and “I’ll talk to your librarian about it when I come over” – hello, I AM the librarian, and I say you can go stick it in your ear.
The worst part is that he kept mangling my name even after I pronounced it for him v e r y s l o w l y several times. I know it can be a bit tricky (thanks, Eastern-European parents!) but when people don’t even make an effort to get it right, it’s so damn disrespectful.
I WANTED TO HAVE A NICE RELAXING FRIDAY TO START THE WEEKEND OFF RIGHT AND NOW THIS GUY IS GOING TO SHOW UP AT MY WORK AND BE SMARMY AT ME IN PERSON AND MISPRONOUNCE MY NAME SOME MORE AND WAAAAAH.
Oh, condescending patrons. I feel your pain. (Most of the ones I deal with are lovely, but I once spent an eternity on the phone explaining to a guy in another state that no, we did not have the obscure book he wanted, and no, if it’s not in our catalog that means *we don’t have it*, and no, it’s actually not that surprising that we don’t own a bibliography published in 1976, and no, he should actually contact his home library’s ILL department, not us.)
“I AM the librarian, and I say you can go stick it in your ear.”
If I still worked with patrons I would totally put this on a t-shirt. Maybe I’ll make one anyway just in case.
I have several librarian friends who I’m sure would buy one from you!
I would buy this one from you! It would look great with my cardigan!
This sounds like the perfect reason to start your relaxing Friday with lots of happy hour drinks. What a smarmy ass.
“Pathfinder” is a term from the 90s. Did you stamp his late pass for him or are you going to do that when he comes to “talk to your librarian”?
I had to make pathfinders in library school in 2006 🙁
As did I. I’ve got plenty of late-pass stamps to go around, library schools of the world.
I had to do the same in 2012, but we called them study guides or research guides because… descriptive terms > meaningless jargon. Pathfinders are a type of car!
“I’ll be in to pick up my Nissan from your librarian later.” Good. It will have a bomb underneath it. Death to dumbassery.
“I’m sorry, there’s no one here by the name of [mispronounced name]. It would appear that you’ve wasted your time.”
When dealing with dumbasses over the phone, I like to imagine that they are standing in front of me, and I can knee them in the stomach. I picture that a few times, and I feel much better.
Separate thread for separate question: how has everyone’s Steam Sale been so far? I’ve been extremely restrained this year: Baldur’s Gate 2, and The Wolf Among Us (Wolfamungous!). And, um, the budget software.
Though I totally bought like three gifts for my husband and his new fancy computer (He needs XCOM! And he needs a non-pirated copy of Dragon Age: Origins with all the DLC!). Yeah, that budget software was a good idea.
My husband bought Borderlands 2 for me as a precursor for me getting a new laptop, so that was SUPER SWELL.
I considered getting that too, with a second copy to play with husband! But then he told me to stop buying new games for him, heh.
LARA CROFT GOTY EDITION
Ooo, I got that with my new AMD graphics card! (Can try out the AMD hair physics, hehe.) Must play… Why I have so many games and so little time? D:
That game is amaaaazing.
Oh man, I’ve bought so much shit already. Somewhere over 10, but under 20, and only like 3 things over $5, but still.
I actually bought that Goat Simulator game. I don’t know why I did, but I did. I think the teaser picture of a goat in an office building did it for me.
I’ve considered getting Goat Simulator just because of the disclaimer on their steam page:
“Disclaimer: Goat Simulator is a completely stupid game and, to be honest, you should probably spend your money on something else, such as a hula hoop, a pile of bricks, or maybe pool your money together with your friends and buy a real goat.”
My brother bought it and played it for FOUR hours last night. (Incidentally, he also gifted me a copy of Euro Truck Simulator. He’s the weirdest, bestest little brother ever. I may spare him in the reaping.)
It’s essentially a physics sandbox, and your avatar is a goat.
Hilarious, I’m sure, but it would seriously need to be $.25 for me to buy it. Probably. Maybe.
I’ve acquired Bastion, and The Wolf Among Us as gifts from a friend who has been insisting I play them (I was purposely trying to avoid spending the money on the sale and then she went and just GOT THEM FOR ME and I am like I EQUAL PARTS LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU HADN’T), and then when I went to install the things she’d gotten me I saw that the Syberia bundle was like $5, and I also got the Walking Dead season 2 because I neeeeeeeded to see what happens to Clementine.
Apparently $14 is my sweet spot for actually giving another Bethesda game a chance, even though I damn well know better. Skyrim’s definitely the right setting for escaping from 90*-at-night Virginia summers.
Yesss OMG let me know if you need a mod list because skyrim is soo amazing with mods I cannot express to you how much i love it.
There’s a mod where you can turn spiders into bears!!! That kills me.
I’ve put in like, 300+ hours into Skyrim but I’m entertaining the thought of eventually getting the game for a PC just so I can be silly with my Punchcat.
Man yeah if you’ve got any recommendations for mods that add cool stuff without turning all NPCs into sexy anime maids and/or having invisible 10000-damage arrows fall from the sky and kill you randomly for “balance” I’ll be all over that, the filtering process is insaaane
There are some amazing mods that I will share with you right now! I recommend getting them from nexusmods.
Vanilla Skyrim is great but these mods will make it even better. There are mods that make things prettier and there are also mods that change the game, story, gameplay, etc. I will start off with the pretty ones:
First off, get SkyUI. SkyUI is an interface mod that makes the interface more user friendly. It is also required to run many mods. Then get SKSE (Skyrim Script Extender). This is also required to run many mods.
Mods for characters. None of these mods are porny (not that porn is bad, I just don’t need it in my videogames). I try to stick with lore friendly mods – Ethereal Elven Overhaul, ApachiiSkyHair (new hair textures and colors!), Lore Styles Hair Set, Warpaints by Skyrim Knight (adds face and body tatts), XCE Xenius Character Enhancement,
Graphics and Environment – I use an ENB to enhance the graphics, but you don’t need one. with my ENB I use, I also use the following mods to make skyrim so pretty – Better Dynamic Snow, Enhanced Blood Textures, Footprints (adds footprints to the snow) Immersive Saturation Boost, Realistic Lighting Overhaul (there are a lot of lighting mods and this is pure preference), Ultimate HD Fire Effects, Better Torches, There are also a number of water enhancement mods, I recommend looking at them.
Crafting, Clothing, Armor, and Weapons – Craftable Clothes and Robes (If you like to play mages, this is a must.) Winter Is Coming – Cloaks (adds very nicely textured cloaks to skyrim) Tribunal Robes and Masks, Immersive Armors, Immersive Weapons, Helmet Toggle (it’s a mod that lets you toggle your helm to make it invisible), Hoodless Archmage Robes, Wearable Lanterns
Companions – Skyrim has companions/followers who will quest with you. These mods enhance the interaction with companions. There are also mods out there that add companions. I use a few of them, and they are quite good. Ultimate Follower Overhaul (UFO) – gives more functionality to companions. I cannot recommend this enough. it is a must-have for me). Hoth (a player made companion. He is OK) Inigo (is an amazing khajiit companion who is very funny) Interesting NPCs (this mod adds a TON of followers to the game, each having quests, stories, and voice acting. It is a great mod and is a real game changer) Inconsequential NPCs – just adds people. Skyrim sometimes feels a little too desolate in the main cities, this just puts some more crowds in the game.) I also use a Stenvar Revamped mod (Stenvar is a mercenary you can hire. This mod is purely cosmetic and just makes him hotter heehee)
Errata/bug fixes/small things – There are some small mods out there that fix bugs and tweak the game a little. I highly recommend them – Run for Your Lives and When Vampires Attack – these mods make the NPCs do what they should do and RUN AWAY when they are being attacked by baddies. (no more seeing an unarmed old man try to punch a vampire in the face. he runs away like he should and will allow you, the hero, to handle it) ShowRaceMenuOptions – allows you to recustomize your character without using console codes, Brawl Bugs Patch (fixes bugs that happen sometimes in brawls.), Possessive Corpses (removes some bugs from dead zombie corposes and nirnroots), 360 Walk and Run Plus (an animation changer that prevents clipping of cloaks and makes movement more flexible)
Gameplay changes. I definitely recommend starting out without these, but once you get used to the game, you can add these mods to enhance the game. FYI I have over 700 hours in this game, I still haven’t done all the content! These mods make Skyrim feel like a new, different, and better game. Some of these mods do make the game harder, but not terribly so – Alternate Start – Live Another Life (way cool mod!) – Vampiric Thirst (if you ever play a vampire, get this mod. It makes the vampire progression sooo much more interesting and better) Frostfall (This mod makes temperature and exposire an issue in the game. You have to build fires, camps, etc in order to stay warm) – Realistic Needs and Diseases (forces you to eat, drink, and sleep) The Dance of Death – A Killmove Mod (adds Killmoves. I like it) I also recommend getting Immersive Patrols Mod (It is a mod that adds patrolling people. it increases random encounters and makes it more realistic I think. Skyrim is war torn and you hardly see any fighting in the Vanilla versions. This adds bands of roving Stormcloaks and Imperials who fight each other)
OK That was a lot of mods!! I hope you like Skyrim!
I am only going to buy the Civilization (complete pack) for like 15 bucks and Dark Souls II (hopefully if it is still on sale) for like 8 bucks AND THAT IS IT. NO MORE. I WILL NOT…
I heard Dark Souls II has a co-op? Can anyone confirm whether this is good? I would love to play it with the guy who lives with me.
There’s a CYOA text-based RPG called Heroes Rising (?) for about $4 out now, a cute little superhero game with a sequel. Finishes up in a few hours, I like it.
I finally got Gone Home and Mirror’s Edge! Also, The Cave is the super cutiest puzzle platformer I’ve ever played.
I need Child of Light to go on better sale before the end of this thing, because I have no monies left and it looks bee-yoo-tiful.
(Also, my computer is just a regular little laptop, so I can’t really get big girl games like Skyrim and Borderlands like I wanted to. Curse your system requirements.)
How do y’all feel about the Summer Adventure meta-game and the mid-week rules change??
I hate job hunting, you guys. I thought sending endless applications out with no replies was bad, and IT IS, but going on endless interviews IS ALSO BAD. One place did a phone interview, had me come out for 2.5 hours of interviews, contacted my references… and then had me come BACK for ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF of interviews. And this is for a staff position, not management or anything. I’m kind of at the point where I hope they don’t offer me the job because if it takes them this many rounds to make a decision I’m not sure I trust their judgement. Also the commute would suck.
Also thank you to everyone who said my new haircut looked cute! I am still getting used to it and need to start experimenting with product, but I’m loving it. And loving everyone’s reactions. AND super enjoying having hilarious bedhead for the first time in my life. Every morning’s a surprise!
Oh man, that sounds ridiculous. I’m at the ‘Really, not even a two-word email saying sorry nope?’ point of my job search. But doing multiple interviews, contacting references, and then still more interviews sounds terrrrible.
I got a letter in the mail once. It was nice…ish. But my reaction was “AN EMAIL WOULD HAVE BEEN FASTER.”
The endless job search is killing me right now too. I feel your pain. Ugh. So many interviews.
Have you found that a lot of places seem really good at misjudging their timelines? Because I have.
Good luck!
Oh, I figure all timelines are lies. That way if anybody DOES get back to me in a timely fashion I am pleasantly surprised!
Man I love interviews, the more interviews the better, because actually interviewing tends to mean like a 90% chance I’ll get the job and who cares if they’re competent if they suck I can get paid to job-hunt at a casual pace in an air-conditioned office, and even that 10% of the time there’s actual feedback of a sort rather than just spending weeks sending hundreds of messages soundlessly into the void.
BLARGH.
I hope you find an appropriately wonderful and fulfilling job SOON!
That sounds horrible! I once applied for a fellowship program abroad (job hunting at work woot multitasking) that required essays, ref letters and a video to apply, went to in-person interviews in another city, phone interviewed a month later, and then it took them ANOTHER month to tell me no, after basically getting to the last step of the process. The entire process took 5+ months and by the end I was checking emails obsessively because they got back to me much later than they were supposed to….. blergh.
A VIDEO?? God, that sounds like a nightmare.
Yes. And I hate staring at position openings just feeling incredibly daunted and unskilled, even though I rationally know that to be false. Like, oh, I’m sorry, you need an applicant with five years of grant writing experience, a Masters in Public Policy, and deep familiarity with coding (maybe throw in experience running a successful blog and trilingualism for fun). For an entry-level position?
So. I’ve been out of college for two and a half years and am going to start gearing up to apply for graduate school for next Fall. Questions re: letters of recommendation- What kind of mixture of former professors/current employers is appropriate? The job I’m currently in is a run-of-the-mill office job which has little to do with my chosen field, but I feel like I can’t only have letters from people who knew me before I was a Grown Up with a Job. Right? Ahhhh.
Also I’m going to the Czech Republic next week to visit my BEST FRIEND from study abroad who I haven’t seen in four years. And then BERLIN! I’m so so excited guys.
Are you applying for a professional, terminal-in-your-field Masters? Then I’d do 2 academic and MAYBE 1 professional. If it’s a more academic, research-heavy, could-lead-to-a-phd Masters, then 3 academic. You’re applying to be a student, it’s totally appropriate to have references from your work as a student!
HARK, THIS IS MY MOMENT.
I’m the graduate secretary for a mid-western state university and at least in my department? The admissions committee looks pretty askance at people who can’t produce at least two letters of rec from academics who can address your scholarly abilities and potential. Frankly, they couldn’t care less about people who talk about how good you are at being a Grown Up with a Job. They want to know about your academic smarts.
Good luck with the application and happy travels!
ETA: I should clarify that I work in a liberal arts department. If you’re going into an MBA program, that is a whole different ballgame.
What if you’ve been out of undergrad for 10 years, and you went to a Large State University where you didn’t have any small classes and didn’t get to know any professors and therefore have no one to recommend you? That’s one of the reasons I’m a little terrified of applying to grad school….. :/
At this point, it really depends on what area you hope to enter. If you’re aiming for a liberal arts program, I highly recommend contacting the department’s graduate director to discuss taking classes in their department as a non-degree seeking student. This lets you get your feet wet to decide if this is really what you want to be doing, it allows you to acquaint yourself with any new developments in critical theory of the field, and it allows you the chance to develop relationships with professors in that department who can write letters for you.
If you’re hoping to go into a business program or something not in the humanities/social sciences/etc., I don’t know how much my information is gonna help. They’re such different animals when it comes to graduate work.
This is SO helpful to me, thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!! Off to write “Hey, remember me and how awesome I was/am?” emails to people I haven’t seen in two years! I hope you’ll be around in future Open Threads to address my further questions re: personal statements, etc. 🙂
Yay! Happy I could help. If for some reason I don’t see your post to comment on it, feel free to email me any application questions: [email protected].
I’ve been going out to a lot of Meetups lately because I’m basically determined to make friends. A series of unfortunate events (some sad stuff and a bunch of weird random shit) has somehow made years go by without really meeting people. So it’s kindof lame to be meeting a bunch of people new to town and making friends, and meanwhile I’ve been here like 4 years and I’m still trying to make friends. They probably think there’s something wrong with me.
So I’ve been out 3 times in a week and I’m getting worn out.
Also, this weekend I’m visiting my brother in Orange County, and I hate driving there (TOLL ROADS!! WHO OWNS THEM? NOBODY KNOWS)… so I’m taking the commuter train! Very happy! And I’ve got “Ancillary Justice”, which I’ve been looking forward to for months, and that should get me there and back.
In conclusion, I live in the San Bernardino area, who wants to be my friend!?
I’m in a similar boat about not making friends and having lived in this city for three years (TX not CA though). My question is–how were the Meetups? Weird? Did you use the Meetup site?
The Meetups have been such a mixed bag. I do encourage you to try it out. However I have encountered some weird, weird situations.
For example, I was in a huge group which started out fine, but then the leaders got a cult-leader mentality. Plus I think they were trying to pull some kind of non-profit scam.
Then there was the lady with the LGBT group who planned a Pride festival but the whole thing was, I dunno, in her imagination? So she “canceled” the day before saying the city had denied her papers. I think she may be unhinged, or also running a tax scam, or maybe both.
Moral of the story is, find a small Meetup that’s somewhat new. Don’t drive too far. There will be normal people there, but there are the other ones too (just like everywhere, I guess).
I’ve lived somewhere 3 years and I have two hopeful-friend-dates this weekend! If I was in SB (I’m in Sac) I’d be your friend <3 and I fully support taking trains over toll roads because: TRAINS. And driving sucks.
You’re being really brave, and it is EXHAUSTING to try and meet new people, more so than job interviews, because wanting people to like you and hire you for friendship is just freaking scary. You’re my hero, and if I lived closer I’d bring you flowers. I will mos def be your friend from here, though.
Thanks for being so sweet. 🙂
Keep trying! It is legit super hard to make friends as an adult in a new place. I work from home and have lived in my current city for 2 years (although I’m leaving soon) and have made a very small number of friends, mostly friends of my ex. Part of the reason we broke up is because I was too dependent on him and he is a very social being and wanted to be out doing his own thing, and I felt like a sad shut-in when he was out.
So I respect your courage and I do think if you keep going to enough things you will definitely meet some people! Or maybe you’ll meet some people who you think are okay, and through them you’ll meet some people who you really click with.
This post is all about me. And I admit being uncomfortable with that. And I wish I were more often uncomfortable with my own self-centeredness.
Toasties! My Incredible Uterine Hulk is gone. I am sooooo relieved. I have little pain, thanks to good drugs), but would trade any amount of discomfort for being rid of it. My middle is noticeably smaller now.
I was discharged from the hospital to my aunt’s home this morning. My aunt’s old cat always greets me, then ignores me for the duration of previous visits. Today, however, she is sticking close to me, following me everywhere. I set my hand near her for a moment, then found I could not withdraw it. Old Cat had placed her forepaw on my hand. When I later insisted on typing with both hands, She reached for my withdrawing hand. “Bring that back. I’m not done holding hands with you.”
Toasties, I have my very own Recovery Cuddle Cat.
Only half-high on pain meds just now. But that will likely change later today when I switch to Vicodin.
Sometimes (like today) I use the open thread as an all-about-me vent-fest. I totally feel you. I think what’s great about the Toast is that we all sort of take turns doing that and supporting each other, y’know?
I’m very glad you got rid of your Uterine Hulk and everything went smoothly! And what a wonderful Recovery Cuddle Cat. I hope the rest of your recovery period goes as well!
Yes, that is something great about the Toast. I feel better now, because of you comment. Thanks very much.
RCC<3 I hope you feel better and get enough rest. An open thread post all about you isn’t bad, it’s exactly what we’re here for!
Polka_stripes, you are helping me adjust my feelings. Thank you. Anyone know if it’s normal to feel a little weepy after surgery? Not much, just unusual for me.
I think it’s pretty normal. Your body has just been through a traumatic experience and evacuated a Hulk! And now your insides are rearranging themselves. Add that to the pain meds and I think it’s common for some of that internal stuff to manifest as tears and probably other unexpected things too. Whatever weird stuff your body does while recovering, just remember you have CONQUERED A HULK.
Sudden realization through the fog of pain meds: Damn right, I did. I conquered a Hulk. Thanks so much. You just diminished my pain. Take one paperbg princess comment as needed for pain.
I was thinking of you this week! Hulk gets big! Hulk gets strong! Hulk gets his ass evicted! I’m glad to hear you’re recovering, and also wanted to thank you for a really kind reply to spazzy reply I made here last week. I felt like a noodlehead about it later, but the mere fact of writing it down spurred me to constructive action, and your thoughtful and constructive ideas helped cement that. So it’s not like you’re not life-coaching us all with regularity, and with great results; let that kitty hold your hand and take a breather!
You are so sweet.
Congratulations, on the removal of the hulk and the acquisition of a cuddle cat!
That is a major trade up!
I am glad you’ve gotten rid of the Hulk! I tihnk feeling a bit vulnerable after major surgery is totally normal, and that does often take the form of a bit of weepiness. Also possibly some tears of relief that it’s done?
Definitely relief. I sobbed with relief when I had a moment alone just before entering the operating room.
Also, since we were talking about abortions in the link roundup, has anyone seen the trailers for that new CW show Jane the Virgin? I have, at least twice, which is unfortunate because if I had only seen it once I would be able to believe it was a hallucination. Why do I want to believe it is a hallucination? Because, as far as I can tell from the trailer, the premise of the show is as follows:
1. Young teenage girl, who is not yet sexually active, goes to the doctor for some kind of ladyparts thing
2. Doctor ACCIDENTALLY INSEMINATES TEENAGE GIRL
3. Teenage girl’s family ENCOURAGES HER TO KEEP THE BABY
I just cannot even.
WHAT.
HOLY SHIT SNACKS.
*screams*
WHAT THE FUCK
Wh
“Set in Miami, the series will detail the surprising and unforeseen events that take place in the life of Jane Villanueva, a hard-working, religious young Latina woman whose family tradition and a vow to save her virginity until her marriage to a detective is shattered when a doctor accidentally artificially inseminates her by mistake during a checkup. And to make matters worse, the biological donor is a married man, a former playboy and cancer survivor who is not only the new owner of the hotel where Jane works, but was also her former teenage crush.”
at
THE FUCK?????
LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
It’s gonna be such a wacky romp!
I think I am stuck at “accidentally artificially inseminates” — how does that happen!??@!
Hilarious mishap involving the doctor losing his spectacles, groping blindly for the reflex hammer, grabbing a turkey baster instead, and then slipping on a banana peel
*Yakety Sax plays*
Oh good grief, this comment had me laughing so hard. Thank you.
Who comes up with this stuff? It’s like the insane nightmare-hallucination inverse of the Hollywood blockbuster plots that are generated by a computer filling in Mad Libs
I guess it’s based on a Venezuelan telenovela? From 2002?
(As a barely related sidenote, the biggest thing on Venezuelan TV that year was Aló Presidente, a six-hour talk show hosted by Hugo Chávez.)
There is so much going on in that paragraph that someone could fill a thesis unpacking it all.
The goats are screaming in my head.
I don’t… understand.
I know I already posted, but what are your stances on digital detoxes? I’ve done them before and found them so so helpful, but then I just end right back up in info overload mode within a week or two. Has anyone had any success in cutting down on the intertubes? Is it an all-or-nothing thing? Any tips?
I am so eager to hear everyone’s thoughts that I am overlooking the massive irony of asking this question in a blog comment section that I obsessively refresh.
I don’t do a digital detox, necessarily, but there are days or events where I say to myself “I want to be present for this” and make an active effort to not look at my phone/the internet as much. I might pull out my phone to take pictures but I won’t instagram them (at least, not immediately) or tweet about something funny I saw or whatever. I think what you’re suggesting is like a juice cleanse – maybe makes you more mindful but not that helpful in the long run. I try to aim more for eating a salad for lunch one day instead of a burger (I like taking metaphors too far)
I do the same thing–there are some days where I just turn off all notifications for twitter/facebook/tumblr or put my phone away on purpose and just avoid avoid avoid. It’s so refreshing, honestly. I should do it more often!
I like that analogy. My personality tends towards “well I had one slice of pizza so I might as well eat the whole thing”, which is not helpful basically ever.
I moved to a new place for the summer and I just didn’t get wifi, because I’m cheap (and it’s only three months) and it’s the bessssst. I can check my shit at work, but at home I cook elaborate meals, read A LOT of novels, go for walks and take pictures of pretty flowers, do handstands, you name it. I’m really into not having wifi – I need it for school in the fall but other than that I would consider keepin’ on without it.
That sounds like a lovely, lovely life. You give me hope. I CAN DO THIS.
I only do interwebulars through a laptop with currently slow/inconsistent wifi, so a lot of my life is spent in actual life and not wanting to murder idiots. At this point even if I had a smartphone I’d try to keep the ratio the same, ie what I need for work + quality Toast time, then get the hell out and into some sunlight. Works for me.
I love the internet, but I also love days without it. I’m on it for work as I work at home, but I do regularly have evenings when I just read a book and leave the laptop alone and just have the radio or music on. It makes me appreciate the good things about it when I put it back on, and helps when I am feeling a bit badgered and need to be not spoken to by anyone and just left alone.
Oh, Toasties, it’s been a weird week. The good parts of it: I went to a literary speed dating event and it didn’t suck! And I went to the Hey Ladies Live reading on Wednesday, which was fantastic and hilarious and we got to hear some actual Hey-Ladies-esque emails submitted by members of the audience. The bad part: a friend who’s been struggling with cancer for the last couple of years just shared the awful news that it’s back, and the only thing they can do is a high-risk surgery. I don’t even know what to say.
And the neither-good-nor-bad-just weird: I’m going to a conference later today…in Vegas. Not my idea of a good time, especially in midsummer, but at least I’ll be able to say I’ve had the experience of going to Vegas? (Downside: I have to miss Pride weekend in NYC.)
ALA?
Yep. Vegas with tens of thousands of librarians was, as expected, totally surreal.
I’m sorry, your friend’s news sounds hard to process. Do you have someone (other than her, obviously) you can work through your feelings with?
OMG the open thread is early! I thought I was going to have to miss it this week on account of driving to Nashville to visit my best friend who moved there recently, but I guess not! Great excitement!
Though, most of my mental ability has been all used up on the SCOTUS thing in this morning’s link roundup, sadly.
So I know there has already been an entire article on this site about library school but I am specifically interested in people who went a more digital media/info architecture route. That’s one of the possibilities I am looking at right now (not too seriously, just, you know, LOOKING) and would love to hear from people about where they went, how mathy/computery they were going into the program, etc etc. Information sciences bat-signal commence!
I wish so hard that I’d done computers for undergrad. I’ve been catching up by studying for IT exams (that I may or may not take) and I’m heading toward database stuff. I graduated library school in 2007 and I feel like the profession might be a teeeeensy bit backward.
I don’t personally have experience with this, but my sister did her master’s in library science at UT Austin, with a focus on digital archives. She had very little computer science and only moderate math experience going into it and still did fine, and really liked the program. She did end up having a pretty hard time finding relevant employment afterwards, mostly because she is primarily interested in music/humanities/nonprofit stuff (she got offered a very depressing job in the McDonald’s headquarters corporate archives and not much else) and there’s very very little funding for those kind of archiving projects right now. but she’s now getting a PhD in an academic field and seems to have found the master’s very helpful and relevant and valuable in her research. hope some of that is helpful!
You guys, I have had a WEEK.
On Monday I approached my boss to ask for what seemed to me like a pretty straightforward request: a raise. And then this whoooooole big thing happened. We’re not quite done talking about it, but basically: No, I can’t have a raise now. And he outlined his plan for my pay for the next four years, which is to say the least, not going to work for me. I am 29 and barely making enough to break even in San Francisco; I really need to start saving for retirement and although I really like my job, I just won’t be able to afford to stay at this salary level (or, 2K more per year for the next four years, which is 2K more than not-a-lot!). He was also pressuring me to name what salary I wanted in four years, which — I’m not sure if that is normal, but I don’t quite have everything mapped out that far.
He also basically told me that there is only one way for me to move up in this company, which is not a trajectory that I want to go in. So I’ve got it pretty clear now that 1. There are no promotions available to me that I will want, 2. I won’t get paid any more for doing the job I have. Even though I really like my job — it just doesn’t seem like I will be able to do it for much longer and now I have no idea what the fuck to do!
Oh no, that sucks so much. It sounds like your options really are to either take a trajectory you don’t want at work or just… find another job. Which sucks. I’m sorry that’s how it’s shaking out for you 🙁
Thanks for the commiseration. Oh and I forgot to mention – after I told him that I’m going to need to make more money and save for retirement soon, he suggested that going to grad school would solve all my problems. SURE THING, BUDDY, a ton of debt in this job market sounds like a great plan for my future vs. you paying me a comparatively small amount to stay here longer.
So basically he’s suggesting you quit and find a better job, which seems like a sound recommendation.
Yeah. Which I will do. I’m just pissed that I have to do it so soon. Right before I got this job I went through an extended period of unemployment/frustration/what do I want to do with my life anxiety, and I was SO relieved to find what I thought would be a long-term job that I could grow in. Wishful thinking, I guess — back to the job searching circus I go.
I don’t know that there is such a thing as a long-term job you can grow in anymore, outside maybe certain kinds of government bureaucracy, where it is mostly your ass that grows. I’ve gotten pretty used to getting a raise every year, because I leave/get laid off/department gets liquidated and I move on to a better-paying job every year.
WHAAAT a four year pay trajectory??? That is so ridiculous. It sounds like if you want to move up, you have to move out. Is the job market ok in your field? I’d start searching sooner rather than later….
I’m still not 100% sure what I want to do next. Despite this new information I genuinely do like my job a lot currently (except for the $$). I’ve only been here one year so far. I’m not quite in a hurry to leave yet, and I don’t want to seem like a job-hopper … but I’ll have to keep my eyes open for the next thing a lot sooner than I’d planned to.
Oh man, talk about a rock and a hard place :/ On the plus side – it’s probably better to know this now than after you’ve invested a lot of time in the company?
Yes, definitely! Much better to know now, so I will have the time and space to look for something I really want to do next. I can’t imagine how much MORE this would suck if it’d taken a couple more years to have this conversation.
Ugh, toasties. My ex-dude is back in town and pining. He showed up unannounced yesterday and I had to explain that when I broke up with him I really didn’t mean “maybe we can get back together in a few months if you start talking about moving back to this city.” And then he cried!
Would welcome assurances that I am right in being chilly and distant, and that I haven’t ruined this poor sap’s life. And/or gifs of sexy men or women to distract me.
The best thing you can do for him is be honest and not ambiguous, which it sounds like you’re doing. Everything else is on him, and it may suck, but sometimes life sucks and he’s going to have to deal with that.
Oh noooooo. Being chilly and distant is totally fine. If you need to, read through Captain Awkward? There’s a lot of great stuff about boundaries with exes there! Especially this one: You don’t have to be friends with your ex.
Oh god YOU ARE SO RIGHT. So right. Don’t let the tears sway you!
Yes yes yes, you are a hundred times right! You don’t owe him your attention or affection just because he squirted out some male tears in your general direction. Your distance says, “Nope not interested BYE” and this is absolutely the right message to send if that’s what you’re feeling.
BE STRONG BEAUTIFUL TOASTIE
Creating and maintaining distance from him is what he needs most. It is a gift you are giving him. But I know it comes with difficult feelings. You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong.
I haven’t ruined this poor sap’s life.
The only person capable of ruining that poor sap’s life is that poor sap himself.
Now here, have some sexy:
Does it help to know that after reading your 3rd sentence, I went “EWW!”
I feel that there is always justification for being chilly and distant. Only he can have ruined his life with his delusional thinking.
I have an ex from 3.5 *years* ago who still does this, after I’ve repeatedly been like, “no, I do not want you in my life.” It helps to remember that this is not the first boundary she’s regarded as optional because it kills any feelings of pity, which is in turn good because she is in fact being an asshole. Idk if your ex is similar, but if you laid down a boundary and he’s like, “eh, that’s just a suggestion,” he is also being an asshole and you don’t have to feel badly about treating him like one.
OH NO, SHUT THAT SHIT RIGHT DOWN.
I have one of these who rears his head every now and then. We haven’t actually seen each other in about 2.5 years, and have not exchanged messages (as in, I actually responded) in nearly that long.
In that time, he has:
-texted to see if we can get a beer together
-texted to say he’s sorry for ruining things
-texted to ask if I’m ready to be friends yet
-texted to ask if I will read over and edit some of his poetry for him
-texted to ask if I had any vicodin I’d give him
-texted on Christmas Eve to say he’s sorry for ruining things again
….-texted a couple of hours later to say “Oh, and sorry to hear about your grandma [who had died two days before]”
-his DAD texted to say “Um, hi, ___________ said he was going to see you? But now we haven’t heard from him. Is… he there?” [reader, he was not]
-sent an unintelligible facebook message
-sent another unintelligible facebook message
-after total radio silence for about 8 months, sent me a facebook message last month that said something like, “I think I might have loved you”
I hadn’t replied to anything since about the second text in that list, so I am here to tell you that I wish I had been chilly and distant MUCH EARLIER, and by chilly and distant, I mean, “Crystal clear that contact of any sort was unwelcome.”
I just want to let you Toasties know that this was a very rough week for my wife, and she handled it like a fucking champ, and I am incredibly proud of her and I love her a lot, and she is awesome.
I’ve had a busy, but mostly good week and now have a serious peeve to rant about. I (finally) got my drivers license and car’s registration switched over to the state I am actually living in, my car now has a valid and current registration, which is super nice, MY ROOMMATE JUST HAD A BABY AND I AM SO EXCITED TO SQUEEZE HIM AND HAVE BABY FUN!!
…. and my boyfriend (and also roommate, we have a houseful) managed to sleep until noon on a workday. Again. And sort of blamed me? Again. His office is super-chill, brah, so I can’t depend on them to put the fear of God in him for this failing (although it also means that he probably won’t be fired, thank goodness). I am SO MAD that he did this AGAIN (like, second really egregious lateness in the past two? three? weeks). I wish there was something that I could say that would make him stop doing this (when this is “staying up waaaay too late with other roommate (told you I had lots) and then having an alarm set for 2 hours before he’d normally get up, so OF COURSE he oversleeps) but he feels really ashamed of himself when it happens and then does it again, so…
UGH.
Wow, that is….not cool. (The sleep thing! Not the baby thing, babies are awesome.)
Assuming your boyfriend is an adult, since he holds down a job and you don’t sound like a 14-year-old (although if you are, congratulations! You are very erudite for 14!), it is His Business to get to his damn work on time. Not yours. Even if he WASN’T an adult, he is not YOUR kid, so still: responsibility not yours! Do not accept blame for this. Really, this is betwene him and his office, and most offices do not look kindly on extended latenesses. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything you CAN say since “getting up and going to work on time like a goddamn adult” is one of those things that adults must do without assistance.
But don’t you let him blame you for ANYTHING. Not your fault. I am irritated on your behalf.
Right? I was like “WHOA, BUDDY, if we are pointing fingers here, let’s make sure they are pointing at the right people, ie YOU.” I am willing to do decent partner/roommate/friend things like talk to him before I leave (because I like him, right? Talking to him is one of those things I like) and even giving him a call if something seems off (like how he wasn’t responding to my chats/links at work), but anything that I do to help him get his shit together is out of the kindness of my heart and NOT something that I am in any way obliged to do. And he is all, “yeah, I get that, sorry, I feel really shitty about all this, I am such a terrible person, I hate that I do this.”
And then I am all “SO DON’T FUCKING DO IT” and I go sit in a corner until I stop hyperventilating.
One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was to stop dating anyone under 30 (I was 27 at the time) and to refuse subsequent dates with anyone I learned was still depending on their mama to do their laundry.
I swear to you, you deserve more mature people.
That grinds me so hard. “I feel os horrible, I’m so awful, I hate myself for doing this” blah blah blah whatever. I saw too many friends date these dudes and then feel bad for making their DUDES feel bad! NO. Dudes can take care of themselves. If you feel shitty about something, fix it: fix your situation or go to therapy or go live in the woods away from humans, but you do not ever get to make someone else feel bad for making YOU feel bad.
There is nothing you can say, and he needs to learn to take responsibility for his own sleeping schedule. If he continues to blame you for things that are his fault, set him on fire.
“I was trying to help! You’re awake now!” I say, holding the lighter fluid and the matches.
these comments made my heart grow 3 sizes, i love everyone
WHOAAA this is so not your fault.
As a night owl surviving in an early bird’s world, I sympathize with your boyfriend. BUT, his system is not working for him, and he should know that by now. He needs to figure out a better way to get up (not setting my alarm for more than 30 minutes earlier than my “get out of bed time” helps me tremendously to not oversleep) and, sadly, needs to not stay up so late. Getting the help/moral support of one’s partner is critical (“Hey honey, help me get to bed by 10 tonight!”) but in no way is this your responsibility if he fails.
“not setting my alarm for more than 30 minutes earlier than my “get out of bed time” helps me tremendously to not oversleep”
That. Very. He sets his alarm for times that he is never going to get up for (although one of them was a good “Fuck, hergart, you’ve got to leave now!” alarm this morning) and seems to think that it will somehow magically start working. Setting your alarm for a time when you don’t really need to get out of bed is just a good way to train yourself into sleeping through the alarm.
And sort of blamed me? Again.
Did you:
– turn off his alarm with malicious glee, keeping your evil cackle all-but-inaudible so as to keep from waking him?
– gently put a pillow over his face and press down, risking his life in your fervor to keep him locked in slumber?
– cast a magical spell by which he pricked his finger on a spindle and slept until noon?
If you did, yeeeah, this is on you a little bit. If not, NOPE NOPE NOPE SHUT IT DUDE.
Haha, not quite. Actually the time prior to this one, I had said “I’ll make sure I’ll wake you up in the morning before I leave for work” and he said “that would be awesome thank you” and we forgot that I would be getting up an hour earlier than usual and he didn’t go to bed until even later than usual (ie two hours before I had to get up at my extra early time, I know because he accidentally woke me up when he came to bed). So when I woke up, I thought “well he just went to bed, he can’t get up now. Maybe I’ll call him at regular wake up time. Then again maybe I won’t. Then we can be jerks all around.” So I left him snoring peacefully and later he was all “I thought you were going to wake me up!” and I was all “You woke me up! When I woke up, you had two hours of sleep and didn’t need to go to work for another 2 hours!” Basically, we were both in the wrong and were kind of being jerks, but he was definitely the bigger jerk. Biggest jerkface ever.
(he doesn’t do too many jerkface things, so I figure my anger-rant for this one is better spent here, so that I can have a sensible “You need to straighten this out, thanks, love you” talk later)
As nice as it was of you to offer to wake him before you went to work….he cannot blame you. He is an adult and possessed of his own god-damned mind and clock radio, so it is totally within his grasp. He should not put the onus on you to wake him and encourage him to go to work like a nice mommy.
So A+ for being kind to your boyf! But F- to him for expecting you and then blaming you. Wow, this is cheesing me off on your behalf!
ALTHOUGH I won’t say the first of your options doesn’t seem like something I’d do. I have been known to cackle in a nigh-inaudible way before.
I just went to clean out my spam folder, and saw there was one from a “Mallory” with the subject “I really am looking to hookup with a man who can” and I stopped reading right there because I knew it was a lie.
Once again, Mallory’s secret dream is trampled upon by an uncaring world
Chicago Mamas and Mamas-To-Be – any interest in toastie get togethers?!
That would be lovely- what neighborhood?
I am in Edgewater, so anything northside works well for me – Andersonville, Lincoln Square, RP beaches, Metropolis decaf lattes…
I also work South Loop so can get a lot of places after work (but turn into a pumpkin around 8:30, so…)
Yes! I have never met anyone from the internet before but I would love to meet some toasties IRL, not to mention (not-family) people to talk to about having babies. Metropolis sounds particularly fantastic but that might be because it’s so humid right now and I would kill for some iced coffee. I work in Lakeview so any weeknight around 6ish would be pretty great for a hangout!
The few pinners/toasters I have met IRL have all been very lovely. Let’s do Metropolis this week! I also usually get off at Granville around 6ish, so that’s perfect. Want to email to set up details?
Sure! I’m at alanahanson at gmail.
I am afraid I may have missed the “this week” boat because of work and tired, but please mail me too- megan.g.bernard(at) gmail (dot) com. I work in the south loop and live in Roscoe Village, and can be flexible about locations and times that aren’t Fridays.
I think I’m looking for confirmation that not everyone has it together and that that’s okay. I’ve been thinking about trying online dating and I keep circling back to the thought that I’m not ready because I’ll my ducks aren’t in a row. I mean I have a good job and an apartment and I Know Who I Am (in a large sense) but there are weird gaps like I don’t have much savings and I feel weird about my family (who are dead; and I bring it up awkwardly; and the whole thing is just weird. Do I talk about them? Do I not talk about them?) and I’m an agnostic but I’m still in the closet about that (because I live in South Texas and the few pillars of support I’ve got are at the church I grew up in so I go with my aunt sometimes and just keep quiet). Ugh. Basically I feel not ready to fill out one of those online dating profiles but I want to be ready to be in a relationship. What do you say, Toasties? Also what are good online dating places? (Paid and free but I don’t think I’m ready for OK Cupid quite yet).
Closet gently atheist here. And living in Texas. I get it. You know I do.
About dating profiles: writing one or two is not a commitment, but a very good exercise. It’s the posting you want to be careful about. Try just writing a profile for yourself, for no one else to see. I believe it will help. And I want to picture you in a calmer state.
Please stop judging yourself re Ducks in a Row. It’s not about having them lined up, it’s about how your manage them as they straggle in and out of line.
I’m afraid I don’t have any advice, but I definitely don’t have it together either! I fall into the same trap of thinking I need to hit some milestone before I’m ‘dateable’ – once I have my own place, once I’ve lost more weight, after this project at work is finished, etc.
And my father passed away when I was young and I still have not learned a graceful way to broach this topic. I don’t really think it’s first date material, but is it second? Third? Before you get horizontal? Do you wait for them to ask, oh where’s your dad? I don’t know if there’s a non-awkward solution.
I don’t bring it up on a first date (I answer any questions about my family very generally/about my mom) because I try to keep things relatively light just on that one, but I do mention it if family-related conversations come up of more depth/significance at any point subsequently. (For evieskie it’s harder because she doesn’t have the generality to escape into. Not sure what I’d do in that situation.) People who don’t handle it well (or handle it poorly but don’t become aware of it/don’t apologize, because it totally is tough off the bat) are not my people and probably not yours, if they are very uncomfortable with Heavy Shit. If you are a person with dead immediate family members, you need to get Heavy Shit-phobes the fuck away from you anyway. Their poor reactions are a feature, not a bug!
Coincidentally, both my sexual partners didn’t know about my dead dad, but that has more to do with the general weirdness/non-functionality of my dating life.
One of my big life lessons was the realization that there’s no I Am A Grown Up badge. That was a little bit of a jolt: No one’s going to bestow adulthood upon me, which means I get to decide what it means and when I’ve achieved it. That’s both pressure and freedom, and for me it’s mostly freedom.
Talking about your family: you do what’s right for you in a given situation. Like most things, it’s probably context-dependent. If you and I were having a coffee together and you started talking about your deceased family, I’d nod and listen and eventually chime right in. Plenty of other people would immediately give you signals that they’re uneasy with that. Some days, when I just don’t have the mental energy to handle that conversation, I would give you signals that I’m uneasy with it — because that’s part of the context. But it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, just that you’re doing it differently.
Online dating can be a slog depending on your headspace and personality, even if you are Ready To Date, but I just wanted to say:
– People do not only find love/relationships when they are “ready.” They are not always a thing that stable people earn when their lives are proceeding according to plan.
– Uhh I think you sound really together? And you can just not list your religion (or skip religion-related questions) though it is tough to not be able to identify socially as what you are. (You can certainly tell your real-life dates, if you feel comfortable, or look for partners who list themselves as Agnostic)
– There will always, always, always be a duck off somewhere its ass does not belong (kinda goes along with Elsa is Emily saying, there is no I Am A Grownup Badge). Doesn’t automatically mean you should be dating, but it is something only you can give yourself permission for. If you are a certain kind of person, you will always have a new reason for why you shouldn’t be dating, or perhaps a list of them you cycle through. Be very suspicious of said reasons if this seems to keep happening.
I am totally that certain kind of person! Too busy with work, unemployed and that’s awkward/I’m broke, starting new work… Out of shape, too busy getting in shape, etc. Your comment might be my kick in the ass to finish writing my OkCupid profile.
I know because I am totally that person, so I’m glad my projecting helped somebody!
I waited until I felt I had my ducks in a row, but honestly you sound like you have a pretty good handle on stuff. Might not feel like it, but none of us have everything figured out. I dunno how you feel about it, but you can put that you are agnostic on your profile so any person who is turned off by that will know up front.
Ok Cupid can still work, I am in a new relationship from it, and I have a couple of friends (one guy and one woman) who are in relationships from it. But of course, it can be a pain, as you are probably well aware of.
I found it very helpful to think of dating as meeting new people (with whom I may want to suck face) rather than as interviewing for potential life partners/ relationship mates. People can be fun to date without actually being the right relationship material for you. Plus, relationships take two people to form, and you only have control over 50% of that equation- so treating dating as a relationship quest can be a frustrating thing.
I had fun on OK Cupid, but I typically took things offline pretty quickly and didn’t worry if a low-commitment coffee date was a bust. Of course, I met my spouse on OK Cupid, so I look upon it with more fondness than most.
And thankfully there’s no 100% ducks in a row requirement for relationships, because now I have a duck wrangling partner and we help each other with our wily ducks. You seem like you’ve got your ducks fairly well wrangled all by yourself, so I bet you will make an excellent duck wrangling partner when you’re ready.
And thankfully there’s no 100% ducks in a row requirement for relationships, because now I have a duck wrangling partner and we help each other with our wily ducks. You seem like you’ve got your ducks fairly well wrangled all by yourself, so I bet you will make an excellent duck wrangling partner when you’re ready.
I love this so much.
Duck wrangling: I love it! Works so well with your Toast name, too. I’m thinking it might be a good addition to your resume: Duck Wrangler, specializing in wily fowl.
There are some themes in Health at Every Size stuff, about just going ahead and living your life, that might be relevant.
From The Fantasy of Being Thin:
We’ve talked a lot here about how being fat shouldn’t stop you from doing the things you’ve always believed you couldn’t do until you were thin. Put on a bathing suit and go waterskiing. Apply for that awesome job you’re just barely qualified for. Ask that hot guy out. Join a gym. Wear a gorgeous dress. All of those concrete things you’ve been putting off? Just fucking do them, now, because this IS your life, happening as we speak.
I have had success with replacing “being fat” in the first sentence with pretty much whatever I feel is holding me back (note that I am also fat, but whatever). Not enough money? Not enough experience? Not enough confidence? Fuck it. This IS my life, happening.
You are spot-on. I want to be more like you.
You guys, I think I need reassurance. I made a big (but temporary) life change this week and it’s making me so anxious. A few things have fallen through (like my subletter for this month) and a few things have broken (possibly my phone and computer) and I’m so, so anxious that I made a terrible choice. I know none of these things is my fault exactly, but it feels like this is what I get for trying to do something, if that makes sense. UGH. I hate doing things, and then having to deal with the problems that crop up once you’ve actually, you know, done something!
“I hate doing things, and then having to deal with the problems that crop up once you’ve actually, you know, done something!”
YES I know exactly what you mean. I have a lot of anxiety (although, therapy and meds have helped a ton) and Doing Things is really hard for me sometimes. Having to then do Additional Things makes me want to crawl back into bed and just give up. I’m trying really hard just to breathe and take things one step at a time, but it’s definitely not always easy. So yeah, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, Toasties are here for you!
Thank you! I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and this isn’t helping, if it makes sense, I think it goes deeper, to questions of agency and deserving good things etc. Ugh. Let’s hope I get a subletter for July/August, because…holy shit. That won’t be good, if not.
I only make this reply All About Me in hopes that it’s relatable: I made a dramatic move at the end of April to stay with family while I find a Whole! New! Life!, largely on the family member’s assurance that this was a better place for me to search from & she’d be really helpful and supportive. It hasn’t shaken out that way. I’m stuck in a suburb with no car and crap internet, so it’s well nigh IMPOSSIBLE to do anything but work and try Craigslist, and Fambly unhelpfully commented that it seems like I do nothing but work and have no life interests while asking for rent I told her upfront would be a hardship for me to pay. I’m forced to new age it at this point, doing everything I can to the best of my ability, then throwing it out to the universe to request help (and avoid feeling like it’s my fault, this is what I deserve, etc.) I FEEL YOU, and I hope it gets better. Oh, and how much is the sublet?
I appreciate the reply, and totally get it! Anecdotes are helpful! For life learning! I hope you get out of there soon. Escape as soon as you can! (PS What’s up with fambly–are they narcissists? Asking not to be snarky, but because trapping a family member in need of a new start is straight-up N.)
I am hoping that the universe/craigslist will come through for me re: sublet. My own current sublet is under $500, which is great, but it’s less affordable if my own room can’t be let out (it’s $570, inclusive, in a Victorian house with original windows etc. and my roommates are great AND it’s in a great hood.) I don’t know why no one wants it!
I have figured out how to get my computer fixed, which is great. I just need the universe/Jesus/Ganesh/someone help with the phone thing. I am effed if it doesn’t work. Fingers crossed.
Heather, I’m so sorry about your current job and living situations. I like your attitude, though. It portends good results on those fronts. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
I don’t know if this will be helpful for you, but for me, it’s often calming to remember: no matter what I did or didn’t do, there would be an array of consequences and unrelated problems. It isn’t my fault for making a choice, and even in the circumstances where my decision did cause some of the current problems, it’s better to have done something than nothing.
Because doing nothing is also making a choice, and often not a productive or healthy one.
I hoep everything works out well! And good job just doing something productive. It can be hard.
Oh wise Toasties, I come to you today asking for recommendations for romantic/sexy/general squishy feelings poetry. I’ve decided to compile a bunch of them for a present later this year, and since I don’t go much out of my poetry comfort zone, I would like to hear what your favourites are!
I like Fenton’s “In Paris With You” (upon re-read, it is not very squishy, but then, neither am I. Except literally).
Andrea Gibson’s “How it Ends” is my favorite poem of all time and it is both sexy and romantic and also hilarious.
Anything by Pablo Neruda is my favorite romantic/ general squishy feelings poetry. This is a good example.
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:”
Try e e cummings’ “i like my body when it is with your” if you aren’t picky about capitalization.
Ugh. I have loved my job like crazy for the last 2+ years … loved as in this job is the best career thing that has ever happened to me, and sometimes I would wake up excited to go to work.
But this week, I saw the writing on the wall and realized that not only do I have no hope of promotion at this company (they NEVER promote admins because it “isn’t in the budget to replace them” but pay their directors $500K+ per year… EACH), but that the promotion that I have wanted all this time would actually be a nightmare at this company due to the CEO and CFO’s micromanaging.
I am trying to put my head down, stop gunning for the promotion here, and just focus on my team (entirely unrelated to my preferred career but still a great opportunity), but it’s a terrible thing to realize that I thought I could be here for 5-10 years and now it’s looking like I want to be heading out within a year’s time.
I’ve been on the verge of tears about it since it hit me on Wednesday. What on earth am I supposed to do? (Other than just say fuckit and move to Hawaii.)
Do look for something else. When you get interviews, even for jobs you don’t want, you will feel better. Your imagination is too taxed just now to see that there are other jobs as good as this one and better. Interviewing provides a boost for your emotions.
I am in a very similar boat – I posted about it upthread. I’ve been doing some crying too! I’m gonna take this weekend to wallow a little bit and then start next week fresh, so it’ll be like this week never happened. I hope you find something you like better! (Maybe it’s in Hawaii?!)
I am really sorry. I love my job too, and I’m unlikely to promote and stay in my group – and my group is 75% of what I love – so I emphasize. Are there ways you can focus on skills/projects that would be helpful in getting a job in your new career? Being able to focus on “this project will teach me X skills so I can have Y kind of job in the future” might be a good way to re-orient the way you look at your position there.
Do you work at my company??? I just quit my job to take on contract work for a Think Tank because I had the same realization. No career path/investment in admins.
I am being a secret bitch in my secret headpsace.
My husband feels ill. So do I. We are supposed to be eating pizza tonight and I put all my special toppings on and we bought doughballs AND EVERYTHING, but now his stomach cramps are too bad to even THINK about pizza, apparently, and I am hungry and impatient and OF COURSE I can’t just cook my own and eat it by myself WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE IT TOGETHER and anything else would be STUPID.
And I am BEING AN UNREASONABLE HATEFUL BITCH in my head and this sort of shit is why no-one likes me.
I would say it’s not bitchiness! You’re mad and disappointed and a little angry at your stomachs for their betrayal.
Galring at my husband thinking ‘I could murder you. I could just murder you. It wouldn’t be that hard’ over pizza is excessive, yes? When it is not his fault he can’t eat it, and when he is not stopping me from eating it?
4 years ago I’d have started a fight over this, though, so…. progress?
…if I admit I’ve had similar thought patterns about my ex once in a while in the past, will you feel better?
And at least you’re not saying it out loud!
yes i will
PROGRESS for reals.
At the risk of causing trouble… can you just… eat the pizza? Is there a reason not to?
it was supposed to be a thiiiiing with shared doughballs and n’duja diiiip
I like you. And I’m sorry you feel bad.
Oh, god, don’t LIKE me, that’s asking for trouble.
I like you and you can’t stop me. And I am easily recognized as Trouble personified to those who cross me or mine. You ain’t winning this one, Silver Deer. I can unreasonable-hateful-bitch-inside-my-head at least as well as you can. I’m sure you remember that bad feelings will pass. Hang on a little longer.
I LIKE TROUBLE
I like you too, and always look forward to your comments. Hateful bitches need to stick together.
Oh, man. It sucks when plans like that fall through. I would definitely wait to make the pizza until he can join in because if you don’t, most likely that pizza is just going to taste bitter and foul.
Maybe you could order in something that he doesn’t really care for?
I ate it anyway, because I’d already taken the artichoke hearts, olives, and capers and anchovies out of their jars, and they’d only go off.
OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS DELICIOUS.
Maybe you could make yourself feel better by passive-aggressively breathing anchovy breath on him now?
He hates all the things I put on pizza (apart from artichoke hearts and jalapenos) so that would probably work!
(I jsut buy a Pizza Express margarita base and put everything I like on it, because Pizza Express are the only pizzas I like)
awwww yessss
SALTY PIZZA omg those are all my favorite things. The best.
I’m just going to give you a quick fist-bump and a “I know that feel, bro.” Feel better!
Mr Kat and I are buying a house, in northern New Jersey, for an amount of money that makes me want to cry in a hole someplace and then move back home to western New York and my Sauerkraut Capital of the World tiny hometown, where houses rarely go for over $90k.
We won’t be in New Jersey forever, but after renting for 8 years in Brooklyn, and having to follow Mr Kat’s job here, we thought we should buy something. It’s a super cute place (built in 1910! Enormous yard! Aged oak trees! Roses! Peach tree! Working fireplace!) with a cat urine problem, because we are geniuses!
I feel like I’m 12 all the time. Why the hell did we buy the cat pee house!? Who the hell gave an underemployed 12 year old a mortgage!? When will there finally be an interrobang key on a standard keyboard!?
It’ll be OK. I promise. I have made many many moves. The price of the house is not important as long as you meet 2 criteria. 1) You can afford the payments. 2) The house will likely sell at or above today’s price.
Now breathe. Moving is almost as stressful as childbirth, say all of my psychologists. So your feelings are not only common, but healthy responses.
You’re so kind, thank you!
I got a cat pee house once! all it involved to fix it was 1.) identifying the sources of the pee, and then 2.) replacing flooring and/or cutting out dry wall and patching to remove pee places, with a splash of a DIY vinegar solution on the joints behind the wall to kill the pee that soaked through. that’s it!!!! (although it’s a PITA, but it doesn’t mean you’re screwed…)
Thank you! Urge to panic falling…falling…RISING…falling…
We have cats too, hence the need to fully and completely eliminate it. It would also be nice if the current owner would pay attention to her cats and take them to the vet, poor babies. A little over a month until we close, and they will continue peeing everywhere in the meantime. I’m hoping once all her furniture and area rugs are out it won’t be such an overwhelming assault to the senses. And I have an industrial-style cleaning company booked! And a list of hardwood floor companies to call!
Adding to all the lovely reassurances and advice, I can only say: peach tree! roses! fireplace! It sounds glorious. And the peach tree and roses will grow, while the cat pee won’t. Congratulations on the new house!
Thank you! I’m too paranoid to post any photos, but once it actually belongs to me I will share! It’s so cute.
The job offer I was worried would be retracted because I asked for time to think it over was not retracted, yay! Except salary discussions got a bit heated, and when I matched the boss’s formal/brusque tone, he suddenly got upset at how unfriendly I was supposedly being and that salary mattered to me. I guess this is how ingrained sexism works!
I just got a polite rejection email for a job I interviewed for four weeks ago–well before I interviewed for and accepted the job I’m about to start. I’m trying to think of a way to be like, “NO 1 CURR YOU WAITED 4 WEEKS AND YOU COULDN’T HAVE ME ANYWAY NOW, JERKZ” but politely.
Fuck that noise, getting upset when you use the same tactics he did. Know what freaks out American men? A woman who refuses to smile. I am so angry with that glassbowl on your behalf.
Almost nothing makes me happier than not-smiling at men.
So glad you heard back from them, and that you’re standing your ground in negotiations. And yes, well-noted, that is exactly how ingrained sexism works, and also how power-play works: when the presumed-powerful person is brusque, they’re being professional; when the presumed-less-powerful person matches the tone and fails to be grateful for the little they’re offered, they’re being “unfriendly.” I hope everything goes swimmingly!
So how did the negotiation work out in the end? You apparently got the job, so was it a compromise or did one of you back down? How did you do this without crying in front of potential new boss? Asking for a friend.
It was kind of a mess. Basically, I was so paranoid they’d change their minds that I accepted the job without a salary offer, though we had agreed upon a range. When I asked them what the exact offered salary was, it was well below the range I’d been told. At the same time, I was offered an interview for a job/place I was really interested in and knew I had a good shot at, so I was ready to walk away from the job and told them so. They brought the salary back up to the bottom of the range. While not ideal, I do want to work there, didn’t want to burn bridges, and thought it was wise to take the sure thing, so I took that offer. All of this was by email. It might have been easier in person, though, because tone would have been easier to read.
I also have a long, semi-subordinate relationship with this place, particularly the boss, and the vast majority of the employees are men. That’s why I think there was some sexism in his utter shock that I’d push back on salary. He knows I’m not an asshole, so I think his anger came from upturned expectations of my behavior rather than any real impropriety on my part.
I mentally applaud your upturning of expectations. I had a similar situation a couple years ago, and I’m still kicking myself for meekly turning down a job I really wanted because I didn’t have the stomach to call them on their lowball offer.
My friend is facing almost your exact situation, though he was a full-time employee at this business before, then laid off in bad times, then re-hired on a contract basis, and now being offered full-time again, but at the same starting wage as when he worked there full-time before. We both agree he is worth more, but there is also the terror of bridge-burning if he negotiates too hard.
If you could do it over, would you do it in person?
You guys, this is Open Thread number 42!
Toasty Nerds Unite!
I sass you, baby. You’re a real hoopy frood.
STORY TIME.
My dad is a huge nerd and so am I, and he loves H2G2. He’s also one of those dads who delights in teasing his children. Back when I was in high school, if I left a chat or IM window open and left the computer room to go do something else and he came in to see it still open, he would always type the same thing – what he thought was an Adams quote. Except he never remembered it right, and my friends would always ask:
“Why did you send ‘I’m a froody lood’?”
DADS!
The Toast is my Life, The Universe, and Everything.
Got your towel?
More job hunt complaining I actually have a job right now but it turned out to be The Worst and I agreed to basically lose money to take it and it’s going away in maybe a month anyway, but I just cannot summon the energy to jobhunt or follow up with recruiters or do, really, anything about it, because I only just got the bad taste of my last jobhunting scramble out of my mouth and y’guys I think I’m just gonna stop doing anything until I’m unemployed and then sleep all day until January. someone else can pay bills idk
I know those feels. They got better, for me, after I shifted my perspective. The job hunt, in my mind, is now permanent. Like doing laundry and paying my bills, it’s something that gets an hour or two of my time weekly. More time when I get excited over some opportunity.
There’s no coincidence to the fact that most executives operate this way. Executives not conducting constant searches are depending on nepotism.
I’m sorry for how you are feeling. It sucks and I wish better for you.
So I went to urgent care to look at a sprained foot and when the triage nurse was doing her thing, it was discovered that I have an abnormally low heart rate. Like around 50. She seemed alarmed and I said, “But that’s the reading I always get for my resting heart rate from my fancy little heart monitor watch.” And she said, “Oh, that’s really low. Has a doctor ever said anything to you about it?” And I shrugged and said, “Not really.” Should I be more worried? I’m a roller derby skater, but i don’t cross-train as much as I should, so I don’t think it’s because I’m so wildly fit. I live in Canada, so medical expenses are no barrier. Thoughts?
No worries. My resting heart rate was the same as yours when I was as active as you are. When you speak to a doctor about it, it is important to identify yourself as an athlete. Better yet, try for an appointment with a doc who specialized in sports medicine. And wildly fit is not in the mix. When my heart rate was that low, I was jogging a ten-minute mile (very slow, for those who don’t know). And I was overweight about 25 pounds. But the fact that I kept in motion for an hour *every day* made my lungs super efficient.
Agreed. If you’re not suffering problems from it, leave it alone.
Thanks! I’m in a weird space with my health right now because my mom had a stroke earlier this year (she calls it her “blip) and my dad had a stroke a few years ago. they’re both in their 50s and ridiculously healthy otherwise. And I’ve already got an autoimmune disease. So I panic easily is what I’m saying.
All the women in my family have similar heart rates. Grandma is 103. I think you’re fine.
I think… *THINK* the universally awful reviews of Transformers 4 have convinced my dude to not make us go see it!!! I haven’t seen any of them, and flat-out REFUSED to see the last one with him, which resulted in possibly our stupidest argument ever/many hurt feelings/snide remarks/etc. I was willing to possibly go this time, just because blahblah it’s not that huge of a deal in the long run, but I may have gotten a reprieve since all the reviewers he trusts panned it as an overly long, unfun chore. I’m just gonna not bring it up and see what happens, maybe slip some haterade into his food to make sure idk.
IT’S NEARLY THREE HOURS LONG. I have trouble sitting through even GOOD movies that are that long, let alone a Michael Bay film.
I’ve been mis-reading a lot of things lately. I think it’s because I haven’t been sleeping well.
Does anyone else struggle with reacting to good news with an immediate rush of the exact wrong emotions to have? I had a week that should have, in theory, been held up as evidence that I’m a cool person who is moving forward and making good life choices but all I can think of is all of the ways that I could have done the things I did better, and just this awful sense that even though I have good things happening to me I’ve somehow ruined them through the sheer fact that they happened *to me specifically*.
(Bah, after all this sturm und drang I’ve EARNED MY WEEKEND OF PLAYING MASS EFFECT AND READING CLARISSA, DAMMIT!!)
I got my financial aid information last night and for the first time ever all of my tuition is going to be covered and then some! The last year I had been receiving $5000 less financial aid than my tuition covered and I had to work a lot and still borrow money from my parents. I have a crazy school schedule this semester and I can’t really afford to work too much or my grades will really suffer, so this is a huge load off my back.
I celebrated by going for a long bike ride to do all my errands and now we are having chicken salad sandwiches for dinner.
Late the the Open Thread game, but anyone want to talk about all the fabulous people in their lives? Feeling extremely sappy right now and (s)happiness loves company!
This is my last day at a job I really love but am leaving to ~follow dreams~ and all that. It is a perfect tiny bubble of smart, talented women working to make a difference in the world and supporting each other along the way. (Seriously – when I got this new job opportunity and went to my boss to discuss it with her, her first reaction was “YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS.” She is a miracle.) So grateful to have them in my life.
Imminent departure is also inspiring lots of lovin’ on my friends, who are all fabulous/caring/engaging/engaged in their own ways and just make life infinitely better on the daily.
Who’s making your life great and/or supporting you through tough times, Toasties??
I’m driving home to visit my family this weekend and am going to soak up all the nice and supportive things the people who love me say when they see me. Also, many mom hugs and back rubs.
Tomorrow I’m going to a birthday party for one of my friends. I met him a few years back and we’ve gone from kind of casual acquaintances to “talk for hours every day until 4am” friends. Writing a card for him gave me the occasion to reflect on our friendship, and I really doubt that I’d have made it through some of the stuff that happened last year if he wasn’t always there, cheering me on and giving me awkward, occasionally terrible advice. I love him so much and I’m all sappy about it, so have some sappiness spillover!
I’ve had one of those “endless screaming” weeks at work, where it feels like I’ve been screaming, all day every day, even though I’m pretty sure I have not been, and have in fact just been trying to do my job.
I have never been so glad for a Friday before. My work schedule this week was ridiculous, I didn’t get paid for the one of the days I worked last week, and to top it all off, my boss got fired. Objectively, he wasn’t fantastic at his job and had a lot of personal issues interfering, but I liked him (most of the time) and I’m a bit sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye.
On the plus side, I’ve been reminded that I have a supportive team of coworkers and, most importantly, I get two whole days to sleep. Yay weekend!
How do you find a beginner and/or lady-friendly weightlifting gym? I want to get swole, but all the gyms nearby that are focused on lifting are so big on their TUFF GUY MACHISMO thing that the idea of taking my pathetic beginner shrimp arms to THE MAN ZONE is sort of alarming.
(Also, see boxing and martial arts studios.)
I saw women-only workout rooms in a few of the national gym chains. Gold’s comes to mind. Would that help? Good for you for seeking muscle and health.
I know Reddit is not exactly everyone’s favorite place on the internet, but the xxfitness sub is full of ladies that lift heavy and they might be able to point you to a place in your area/ you might be able to find a workout buddy there?
I started martial arts by dragging my sister, my best friend, and my dad to classes, so I can highly recommend the bring-a-buddy strategy. Of course now I’m the only girl (again), but at least at this point I have the skills to hold my own and the confidence to suggest that maybe the dudes help with the whole recruiting more women thing.
Aw yeah, working through the third weekend in a row. I can feel myself slowly going mad from not having a break from 8 hour days in almost a month. If I don’t get comp time for this I’m burning the motherfucker down.
How is this even legal? Ugh, so sorry this is happening to you.
I’ll bring matches. You got the gasoline. Plus, I’ll provide a get-away car.
I like #4 because it looks like the dog just took those shoes off.
Is anyone else watching “The Assets”? It pales in comparison to the complexity and moral ambiguity of “The Americans” but I am fascinated with this era of the Cold War and the hunt for moles in the various intelligence agencies. Also, I find Jean Vertefeuille fascinating and her friendship with Sandra Grimes is really inspiring.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/cia-sisterhoo…