Art by J. Longo
Like many of you, growing up I only had access to people who shared my obsessions because of the internet. I had wonderful friends, friends I’m still close to now, but — how shall I put this? — it was painfully clear most of them didn’t want to spend their free time writing terrible fiction or creating fansites or trawling for bootleg cassettes of Broadway shows. If I had to sum up my issue in just one sentence, I’d say I was maybe just a little too intense about a few too many things. The little communities I found online were among the first places I ever felt normal — I got to know people who didn’t make me feel like Too Much, and we sent one another long emails and obsessed over fandoms and traded mix tapes. Our friendships migrated from early Geocities websites and emails to LiveJournal and Facebook. I fielded many questions from bewildered relatives about “your internet friends.”
So the notion of a genuine web community has never been strange or foreign to me. I expect to find close, life-giving friendships and connections online. I expect to meet lots of people who make me think, You? Me too! Still, I never expected to find quite so many kind, open, generous people who shared and wrote about so many overlapping interests, all in one place. I never expected anything like The Toast.
I found my way here early, following Mallory’s Texts From posts over from The Hairpin. Whenever I was reading something and laughing so hard I couldn’t speak, my husband would say, “The Toast?” and I’d nod, helpless. My first Toast essay, published as a freelancer, meant more to me at the time than any other byline — I read those other sites that published my work, but The Toast? That was love.
Two years ago, I sent Mallory an email that began: “I don’t know if you have space for another Nicole or if it would just be TOO COMPLICATED, but I would love to help out with editing.” The editor job had just been posted and I knew everyone in the world was going to apply, so I fully expected to receive a polite “thanks but no thanks” note back and then I could say “well, I tried!” and continue on with the freelancing and part-time editing I was already doing. I was gobsmacked when Mallory said she wanted to talk to me (my actual email began: “!!!!!!!!!” but I still believe I deserve a lot of credit for not demanding “WHY???”). We scheduled an interview. At the appointed time, I shooed my family out of the house, gave myself a little pep talk, and waited for her to call.
And waited.
And waited.
And checked Mallory’s Twitter timeline and saw that hmm, she hadn’t tweeted for a day or more?
And fired off a quick note to Nicole Cliffe (Hey, Mallory and I were supposed to talk about the job today; is that still happening or…?).
And then got a call from an apologetic Mallory, who had been on the road and thought our call was a different day. “NICOLE! I am A MONSTER!” were her very first words to me. After a couple more chats, Nicole and Mallory offered me the job — probably because they felt bad about that whole missing-our-first-interview thing. I was a little terrified, but then the announcement went live and everyone was so welcoming, and I had a feeling it would all be okay.
When you edit The Toast, you’re accountable to a community, a family of sorts. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but at the beginning — and, okay, a year into the job, and also just last month — it could be a bit daunting. I wanted to do a good job because I knew you deserved it.
I’m an editor at heart and I don’t know what I’d do without it. This is the job I always wanted — helping others tell the stories that mean the most to them is my greatest professional thrill. It felt so good, and so important, to be able to do that work for this site. As an editor I saw a little (and sometimes a lot) of what went into every beautiful freelance essay, every goofy humor post, every in-depth interview or roundtable we ran. As a freelancer, I knew how it felt to send work out into the world and then fret over the reception. Would you be attacked? Would you be seen? Would you be understood? So it was always a pleasure to sit back and watch all of your generous, thoughtful responses pile up. I was proud every time a new-to-us writer said to me, with surprise and delight, “Your readers are amazing!” “For the first time, I’m actually glad I read the comments.” “The feedback was so kind it made me cry.”
When looking at pitches, I was able to promise writers that their stories would be safe here. When I accepted a piece I knew you’d love, I’d find myself eagerly, impatiently looking forward to publication day. Wait until they see this! More than one returning writer specifically mentioned the community as the reason they were pitching us again. They’d come back a day or a week or a month later, brimming with compliments for you all, and my response was always the same: Yep. They’re the best.
We only have a few days left together, so you WILL accept my love and eternal gratitude. Without this job, I wouldn’t have published some of the pieces I’m proudest of. I wouldn’t have gotten to know so many delightful people. I probably wouldn’t be writing a book right now. I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve laughed a lot — which were pretty much the only two predictions I made when I accepted the position. While I’m excited to get going on my book and work with talented writers over at Catapult (where I hope some of you will pitch me!), there will always be a little Toast-shaped hole in my heart. This site is irreplaceable, because this is where we were all together for a little while. I can love it and miss it and be ready to move on, all at once.
Thank you so much, Mallory and Nicole, for giving me this absolute dream of a job and being so patient and teaching me so much. Thank you, Marco and Jaya, for being the best, most brilliant and supportive colleagues. Thank you to everyone who wrote for us and trusted us with your wit and wisdom. Thank you all for letting me laugh and obsess with you, make mistakes and learn from them, read and publish and delight in your work. This site has been such a joy and a privilege to work on. While I’m sad it’s ending, I know that I’ll be better able to face whatever comes next because I had The Toast for as long as I did. (I hope you feel the same.)
Keep in touch now, hear? I love you, Toasties. I am so very grateful for you.
I just want you to know that I started crying before I even began reading. Thank you, Nicole. Thank you, Nikki. Thank you, Mallory. Thank you, Jaya and Matt and Marco. Thank you, everyone.
I could have written 1000-word odes to every individual staff member. eh, I still might.
You know we will read them all!
WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH NIKKI, SO SO MUCH
You are always welcome to come into the Slack group if you need to feel the warm embrace of this community. Getting to read your work and get pitches kindly rejected by you has been an utter joy.
I’m going to go cry some more now
I’m definitely going to visit Toastie Slack. I will overcome my strong dislike of Slack for all of you.
HOW DO YOU JOIN THIS?!?!?!
Email ppyajunebug [at] gmail [dot] com for an invitation!
Bless you 🙂
Dr. Ppyajunebug (!!!YAY congrats again!!!!), Im so sorry I havent joined toastieslack yet, although you sent me TWO invites. Life has been the absolute worst recently, and Ive been barely keeping it together. The Toast is ending at the worst time, basically, and man, I’ve been in ostrich mode pretending it’s not gonna go away. I think once it’s actually gone I will head over to Slack 🙁
Thank you so much for inviting me. -bearhugs you-
I am lying down in a random Quality Inn room, bracing myself before facing a purgatorial international flight back with an ex who broke my heart with his emotional abuse and his awfulness, and whom I just broke up with, and NIKKI *YOU* ARE THE ONE MAKING ME WEEP BUCKETS ALONE. OH MY GOD WHY YOU DO DIS?
WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH. EVERYTHING YOU SAID HERE IS THE ABSOLUTE GOBSMACKINGEST TRUTH.
Wait, there’s a Slack group?
Thank you Nikki for reading all of my pitches, telling me “Needs more jokes” when the things did need more jokes, and giving me my first legit illustration job. Hope to pitch to you again, soon.
<3
(This comment needs more jokes, Marissa.)
Oh, let me try a wedding announcement thingy:
The managing editor met the co-founders first via email, and hired after a nearly-forgotten phone interview. She was the “Burt” to their “Ernies”, resulting in everyone getting paid on-time. Her hiring increased the ethnic diversity of editors across this great and vast “mediascape,” and she used her position to foster a greater discussion about race and feminism. She will always be regarded as Nikki From The Toast, though not solely as such.
WE’RE SORRY NO JOKE AVAILBLE AT THIS TIME TRY AGAIN LATER.
OH NIKKI GREAT I AM SOBBING. You are the best; you will be pitched; I feel like I got to meet you because of The Toast (I feel like this because it is factually accurate). You are so talented, both as a writer and an editor; it is a gift to all of us that you exist. xoxoxoxo I am just going to be sappy from now until forever.
YOU HAD JUST BETTER PITCH ME, ADRIENNE, I WILL BE WAITING
xoxoxoxoxo
I already have something! It just needs revision first. But I WILL PITCH IT. (I can email you now with the gist if you want!)
I’m going to wait until ToastDeath to start digging into Catapult pitches, but yes, please email me at your leisure!
Ok! I will.
*breathes*
“ToastDeath”
*sobs openly*
NIKKI.
I know, I know.
That illustration, like half of the stuff on the Toast in the last couple weeks, made me emit small high-pitched feelings noises that may not have been appropriate for the workplace.
You are such a lovely writer and, while I know I don’t actually know you, but clearly such a lovely person. Thank you for being an irreplaceable part of bringing The Toast to us. Looking forward to continuing to read anything you have a hand in!
Jason sent this to me weeks ago when I first emailed him about the site closing, and it was so perfect I asked if I could use it for this post, too.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I plan to take a week or so to mourn and also read this lovely stack of ARCs I’ve had sitting here for months, and then I’ll get back to writing.
This is like the sweetest page-long yearbook signature from that girl you got to know when you saw her reading your FAVORITE book that NO ONE ELSE has read and you had to say something because YOU got called a nerd when you read it on the bus last year. (In a mean way, too. You know you’re a nerd, and it’s not a bad thing.) You thought it was a casual friendship but you secretly wished it was more, so you are THRILLED to see that she also has fond memories of you and has left you her actual phone number and address. You’re going to write so many postcards this summer.
welp, now I’ll be wishing lots of Toasties had my phone number.
<3 thank you for this.
You’re great. Everyone is great and everything is fine and NOTHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING.
isn’t it great how NOTHING EVER CHANGES
It’s pretty much my fav thing ever.
SOBBING
Nikki, you are so amazing, and I feel so grateful to have gotten to read your work on this site, and read the things you’ve edited, and see your comments and interactions and now I can’t finish because of tearssssssssss
I am the lucky one! Thank you so much.
Thank you, everyone. I’m about to defend my dissertation (in medieval lit) this fall, and this site got me through the majority of grad school. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude to you all. Thank you for all the laughs and all the feels that every single contributor on this site has given me over the years. The Toast, with all its lovely editors and contributors and commenters, will be deeply missed.
thank you. good luck with your dissertation and defense!!
You gave me my first freelance “Yes.”
Thank you forever.
Same. Thanks, Nikki 🙂
thank you for writing for us, Dave!
I am so glad I did, Molly!! All your pieces for us were wonderful.
After a couple more chats, Nicole and Mallory offered me the job — probably because they felt bad about that whole missing-our-first-interview thing.
Or maybe because you’re great and completely deserved it.
Thank you for everything you have put into the Toast! Your presence here has been one of my favourite things about it.
Thank you! Luck definitely had something to do with it, too.
I’ve loved working here so much and will always be thankful I got to do it.
Thank YOU. You were so lovely to work with, and I’ll always be grateful to you for giving me a safe place for my words.
Gillian, I loved your essay so much; it was gorgeous! Thanks for letting us publish it.
So, all crying, all week then? I guess that’s just the way it has to be. I miss you already! All of you.
yeah, I think we all knew how this week was gonna go!
I fell into the community section of Catapult.co. It is amazing! The whole thing is just beautiful. Something to look forward to reading post toast.
It’s truuueeee, these stories were safe in your hands and in the hands of the readers and commenters on this site. I am going to miss The Toast and the community so much.
SAME. <3
I published a couple of things here I wouldn’t have wanted to publish anywhere else. oh, well, back to not reading the comments, I guess?
seriously.
Oh Nikki, you gave an essay I didn’t want to house anywhere else a home and I’m so thankful for even that one brief exchange and all you have done here. I cannot wait to see where you go next!
Thanks, Kate. Your essay was beautiful!
We love you and all the invisible curatorial work you’ve done to help make this site and commenting community the awesome, amazing, and irreplaceable space that it is.
Thank you so much! I enjoyed almost every moment.
Jesus, it’s just all crying all the time at my desk now.
I had to buy a new box of tissue this week. ::Toasthugs::
This was so lovely & you’re so lovely (and by “this” I mean the toast, and also this essay; and by “you” I mean y’all, and also you specifically, Nikki)
thank you so much. <3
I’m not crying, you’re crying! At work. Where that’s inappropriate.
i’ve just been….chopping onions….directly into my eyes. that’s all.
Thank you so, so, so much.
thank you!!
I love you & The Toast & the Toasties and am so grateful to all of you. The Internet won’t be the same without The Toast. Thank you.
Thank you for your support and your beautiful writing here, Esmé.
Thank goodness it’s already bedtime here in India, I have a legit reason to cry myself to sleep tonight.
Can we all just pile into a giant group hug now? <3 <3 <3 <3
*wail* NICOLE I CANNOT EVEN. *clings* I’ve been having such a hard time even coming to the Toast in this last week but I am FORCING MYSELF even though it makes me sad and weepy to read basically anything here right now, and I’m trying not to become that person that essentially starts just quoting that “I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always” childrens book as internet comments, because I feel like a) I’m not the Toast’s MOM, what even and b) obviously that would be just tipping right over the edge of sanity, which I am feeling a very tenuous grip on regardless, so maybe I should just give in. Probably not. Thank god for Toastslack, I guess, or I’d just be rolling around on the floor with no direction.
<3 It is a TOUGH WEEK for sure, but we’re running so many GLORIOUS pieces this last week; it’s the best possible goodbye. And the archives will always be here. We’re all due for a good three-year reread, I think.
Nikki, you’re the one who accepted my own first published piece about my musical saw. 🙂 The Toast is the only place an essay like that could appear. Thanks for all you’ve done, thank you thank you.
I remember that piece! It was super and you are wonderful too!
omg thank you :}
Yes, I distinctly remember her responding to my e-mail with, “I like it! Can I pay you x for it?” and me being like WAIT I CAN GET PAID FOR THIS?
I remember it well! Thank *you*, Emily.
Oh that piece was so, so lovely. Thank you for writing it!
Longo’s image. Oh . . . I just . . . ::sob:: It’s perfect. Too perfect. Gotta go find a replacement box of tissues before the ugly crying starts.
Too late.
It’s making me SAD
and it’s also making me HUNGRY
Glad I am not the only one.
Yet further proof that this community is awesome-sauce and you people UNDERSTAND ME.
Could we get that image on a t-shirt? Cuz I’d wear it everyday until it became my shroud.
Would also wear as a wee necklace. You know the kind, one of those little square ones that’s actually a Scrabble tile but they put the picture on the flip side of the letter?
Hmm, one could sand down the corners of a T tile until it is toast-shaped.
Nicole, thank you for everything. You’ve been a truly invaluable part of the site. I never did get up the nerve to pitch to you here, but maybe someday I’ll work up to it, and you will be my first pitch wherever you happen to be editing by then. (Or can I maybe just email it to you anyway if you’re not editing anywhere?)
you can, you know, even if you don’t want to pitch it just yet, and I’ll give you honest feedback!
Nikki, thank you for being such a wonderful addition to our community. Thank you for your beautiful, thoughtful writing and for being the kind of editor that people want to work with. Thank you for choosing pitches well (and for writing kind rejections).
We are so lucky to have had you and I can’t wait to see what you do next (can we preorder your book NOW, or do we have to wait?).
Thank you so much for the very kind words!! I’ll miss this job so much, but Toastie Slack and #toastietwitter forever.
Can’t preorder yet, I’m afraid. I can offer you this lovely Goodreads listing, created by my college pal Neil, if you want to add it and be emailed when it’s out?
I’m crying at a bus stop right now and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT
*very Eliza voice* IIIIIII’m not sorry
While I of course have zero regrets as a reader and fan of The Toast, one of VERY few I have as a contributor is that I did not get to work with you as an editor, Nikki. Perhaps I can find a way to remedy that over at your new gig, but either way I’ve appreciated your embiggening of this space and will never see your byline and not immediately flash on that tiny figure skater on TV GIF and probably get all emo about it. Jesus, what IS it about this place? I’m getting dehydrated here. <3.
That tiny figure skater makes me verklempt, too. Every time!
I hope you and many other Toasties will pitch me at Catapult!
It has been such a treasure to be part of this community, even as infrequently and sporadically as I dipped my toes in. There are very few other sites where I’ll read the comments, and none where I’ve felt it was safe/worthwhile to comment myself. So just THANK YOU and all the other editors for making this place possible. *tries to type more, weeps, crawls under desk*
thank you for being here!!
Nikki, thank you so, so much for everything you’ve contributed to The Toast. Thank you for bringing a critical & nuanced perspective to adoption and Asian American experiences. Thank you for guiding all of the writers to produce truly wonderful content. Thank you for sharing it with us. Looking forward to seeing what comes next for you!
Thank you so much, Liz! I’ve loved finding and publishing so many wonderful writers. It was my favorite thing about the job, and I know this community’s encouragement was key to so many of the writers published here.
Thanks Nikki. It’s a(nother) testament to this community that I’ve learned as much from the comments as I have from the wonderful writing here. They have rounded and shaped each piece, showing where they have touched real lives. When I seek Toast comfort in the coming days, I’m looking forward to re-reading comments as much as the articles.
YES. Same.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU
that is all
I LOVE ALL OF YOU TOO
Nikki, thank YOU for all that you have done (and are still doing!) for the Toast. Your pieces have always been thought-provoking — you have gently prodded me into thinking about the perspectives of others that my various life experiences have sheltered me from. I _honestly_ cannot wait to read more of your work, whether it be editing or writing. Thank you for sharing your life and your stories with us <3
PS Sorry for requesting you on Instagram yesterday — I realize now it is a total invasion of privacy SORRY for creeping but I just think you are so great!
Thank you so much! I’m sorry I denied your request; I usually do when I can’t figure out who the person is, because my Instagram is (sooooo boring and) 75% photos of my kids. If you resend the request I’ll approve!
You’re too nice! I’ll send another request asap
I’ve been struggling with adjusting to the Toastie social media world as all my accounts are under my real name and therefore private, when all I want to do is connect with Toasties world-wide without cluing in my IRL family and friends to my name here. Ahhhh.
Nikki, the greatest email I have ever gotten in my life was you responding to my awkward pitch that I had sent to the wrong email address with “I can offer you $25 for this.” I screenshotted that and sent it to my BFF and possibly half the world. I felt seen and understood and like I could write for anywhere if I could write here.
Thank you. To The Toast, but to you specifically. You have no idea (well, I’m sure you do) how much that meant to me.
Also, I promise that the next time I pitch you, it will be less awkward. And also go to the right email address the first time.
Hey, if awkward + using the wrong email address is working for you, and it obviously is, why change?
I hope LOTS of Toast readers/writers pitch me in the future! Often! I clutch this hope to my bosom like a precious talisman, and will think of it often in the days ahead.
oh dear……i am toooooosooooooo sad to lose you all………
i am just not a techie, internet world savvy person. but somehow, i found the toast and have loved and adored essays and humour and gifts of community comments and two monks and too witches and too many things to speak of. i could’ve signed up to comment so many many times (personal experiences with raccoons?!) (old dog love?!) (adoption and identity?) but mere moments away from the end sign up to say THANK YOU……
Nicole, you are a gift. You have been an inspiration and i am forever grateful for your insights on adoption.
And now i have to go write a thank you to Mallory and that other lovely Nicole!
Thank you! So glad you found your way here.
Nikki, I am taking a screen shot of your reply to me!! (Yes, unashamed, I am a fan.) And I love that you said thanks back. Truly looking forward to finding you and writings out in the world sans toast, not to mention reading your book. all the best.
Nikki, I’ll miss you replying to my submitted pieces:”This is wonderful!” even though you probably said that to all the writers because you are so nice.
The Toast is a special place; here I felt understood.
“Don’t let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment that was known as Camelot.”.
Except substitute the Toast for Camelot.
Alright, for some reason this was the comment that made me cry. Goddamn it.
oh man, once we open the Wistful Show Tune Pandora’s Box I FEAR THERE WILL BE NO CLOSING IT
(love you, Kathleen)
Thank you Nikki. Thank you for your work here and for sharing your perspective on deeply personal topics. Your own writing and undoubtedly your editing work has been thrillingly thought and heart feels provoking.
I’m really looking forward to seeing you read from your book at Powell’s. (I just know it’ll happen, please, please, please universe-and book-tour-powers-that-be!!)
Listen: if I don’t get to read at Powell’s this entire book-writing thing will have been just a useless RACKET.
<3 thank you for the kind words! I’ve loved writing and editing and just BEING here with you all.
Thank you thank you thank you for all the hard word you did and all the stories you shared!
it was my pleasure, thank you!
Thank you so much for everything, Nikki. I’m super looking forward to reading your book and crossing my fingers for a book tour so we all (okay, not all) get to say these thank you’s in person.
oh my goodness, I would love to meet LOTS of Toasties at readings. I very much hope that happens. <3
Thank you Nikki for lending us your considerable efforts and heaps of talent! I hope they’ll take you far and high! I can’t wait to buy your book.
Thank you so much!!
Nikki, you are the reason I got published here and I am so so grateful to you for giving me a chance. It has helped me to be confident enough to try again when I get out of post-graduation land and into a normal routine. Thank you for your hard work, your writing, and your dedication!!!! <3 <3 <3
I’m so glad!! Let me know if you ever want me to take a look at anything and offer some quick feedback, I’d love to do that for Toasties on occasion.
You carefully handled all our work, thank you.
I tried! It was fun. Thank you.
NICOLE they did not hire you because they felt bad about Mallory messing up! I talked to Mallory too and I think she got confused about the time zones and called me two hours early (while I was still at my regular job, lol). YOU WERE HIRED FOR YOUR AMAZING SKILLS, NICOLE.
I’ll always remember the day they announced your hiring. Even though I had been disappointed not to get the job, I remember being full of complete delight when I saw you did. You struck me as very smart, sharp, and kind-hearted, a rare person to find in even in life, much rather in work. So when I friended you immediately on Facebook and you posted on my wall that you saw the request and hoped it was me, that sealed the deal: I fell deeply in friend-love with you.
The work you do for and with the Toast is, quite frankly, amazing. You’re super organized, you’re quick with emails and clear, strong edits — heck, you PAY US IN A TIMELY MANNER, something I’ve struggled to make giant corporations do even with lots of nice emails (pro-tip: lead with the nasty emails). Your writing is so clear — you’re able to examine so many angles and perspectives while supporting your thesis.
This piece really strikes at the heart of what I love about the Toast, as well: where being “too much” was just enough. As one of those writers you mention who was shocked by the warmth and affection I found in the editors and the comments, I feel like the Toast changed me into the person I’ve always struggled to be. Confident, yes, but also open-hearted without being taken advantage of — open-hearted while knowing, very clearly, my worth. It’s the kind of gift I will always remember and work to repay by putting love and warm energy and strength back into the world.
I want to favorite this comment 100 times because you said how I feel as well
Thank you, Sulagna!! You are lovely and I am deep in friend-love with you, too. <3
This means a lot and I can relate so much: I feel like the Toast changed me into the person I’ve always struggled to be. I think I’m still working on getting there, to be honest. But if I ever DO land right where I’m supposed to be, The Toast will be responsible for a big chunk of the journey. And I too will always be thankful for everything this place gave me, and will try to pay some part of it back by being as helpful and encouraging and loving as I can be. Everyone here is such an inspiration.
thanks, Nikki <3
you are so welcome; thank YOU!
NIKKI.
Are we getting one of these from everyone this week? Because I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle that.
That would be a lot of goodbyes! Nicole and Mallory already covered some of it in the site closing announcement post. They asked if I wanted to add to that, but I really thought it should be just them — so I wanted to be sure to say thanks, on my own, before the end. SORRY BOUT YOUR FEELS.
So then just you and HILLARY CLINTON
Nikki, I’m so glad to have been introduced to your writing here on the Toast and I wish you all the best and happiest of success from now on!
Also – I have a heart of cold stone and I think that image cracked it 🙁
Thank you very much! I think very good things are ahead, and we’ll always have The Toast.
Jason’s illo is indeed too perfect. :'(
I’ve been more absent than I’ve meant to be in the last year and change (reading it reminded me of how difficult writing has been for me of late), but The Toast, like all sites in its lineage, like its readership, will always have a place in my heart.
And it will leave quite a gap – there are so few sites that exist between community blogs, where content comes at such a clip that pieces get lost within hours, and literary sites that implicitly require you to be known by the right people before they’ll consider your work. Beyond the steady work of the editors The Toast was defined in my mind as a place where people who didn’t think of themselves as Writers could come with a good idea and be published, and maybe be proud of that, make friends and connections, maybe gain a foothold into new ways of thinking about themselves or earn money. There are very very very few such places out there. I’m going to miss it tremendously.
This place was unique! I think there are definitely some editors/sites that aren’t so scary to pitch, but I know this place was especially friendly. Plus we never cared much about past bylines, just whether or not we liked the piece. I was always so thrilled to be someone’s FIRST byline.
You were a great steward, Nikki. Thank you.
*wails*
Thank you for all the lovely work you’ve done, Nikki, as an editor and a writer and a teacher.
(The bit in “Laura” where Clifton Webb talks about how Laura believed he was kind and caring and he tried to be so for her sake has been going around in my head lately. Well, in another week I’ll be back to “I should be sincerely sorry to see my neighbor’s children devoured by wolves.”)
That is a wonderful pop culture reference for the end of The Toast! For some reason I’ve just continued to picture Grace Kelly gazing dreamily into the middle distance, remembering the boat she used to have with Bing Crosby (“my, she was yar”).
thank you <3 <3
Thank YOU. And she *was* yar, even as she took to the Sea.
<3
Nikki, you are THE GREATEST. I remember reading that beautiful essay about your grandmother, but didn’t realize it was you–which seems appropriate for a piece about temporal displacement and memories.
Everyone is allowed to cry at work as much as they want this week, I have decreed it, it is law.gif.
Thank you, Businesslady; YOU are the greatest. (So glad your column will live on! And I’m sure when your excellent book comes out it will help me plot for and successfully launch Career 3.0.)
Thank YOU! Also, I’m not really sure where to ask this, but since you mentioned the wonderful (and extremely rare) comments section, it seems a good a place as any. Are you all going to be able to lock the comments sections on these pieces so that we can still read them? I’d hate to see all the fantastic comments disappear, but I think it would actually be worse watching our beloved comment section be taken over by trolls….
I think that once everyone is done commenting on the final week’s worth of posts, we’ll probably lock comments so we’re not inundated with spam and such. But we’ll reopen comments when we post the occasional thing here for fun!
Yay! Thank you again. For everything. I delurked around the time my mother died. This site may have actually saved me from myself and my grief.
IT’S GETTING WORSE. EVERY ARTICLE IS GETTING WORSE.
(I love everyone, ever.)
YES. I don’t want to miss the last horrah of the toast, but oof. It’s getting hard to handle.
Did you read the NPR article about The Toast by Annalisa Quinn? I loved that she explained that it isn’t just the site itself that’s great, but the community it formed is too. http://www.npr.org/2016/06/27/483394694/a-toast-t…
it’s a lovely tribute!
NIKKI. I cannot imagine anyone bringing more of what is good to the Toast than you have (and I say that as someone who applied for your job.) I am really grateful for all the work you’ve done. <3 <3 <#
Thank you very much, Brittany! <3 Don’t forget to come hang out with me soon!!
I was wondering if I would cry this week and HERE IT IS.
Thank you for everything.
thank you!!
Thank you so much for all of your wonderful personal essays. I have two adopted siblings and you have given me so much to think and learn about adoption, identity, and family. I can’t wait to see what you bring at the Catapult.
brb crying 5ever
Thank you so much, this means a lot! I’ve really enjoyed sharing my work here, the most supportive community anyone could ask for.
Did you get to read the adoption series at Catapult? We’re going to be publishing a few more pieces over the next several months, including a stunning one by a birth mother.
You are a remarkably talented, supportive, insightful editor and truly lovely person, and I appreciate how much you’ve done for this community so, so much.
thank you Christy!
Nope, one, not me crying on a city bench, nope, me it ain’t
definitely, it’s great how we’re all so calm about this
Nikki, thank you for all the work you have done shepherding wonderful ideas and feelings into our lives in your editing role.
But even more than that, thank you for sharing about your experiences of adoption and race. I grew up in a community where many people had adopted, many transracially, and as a queer woman i expected that I would adopt kids someday. You writing has added complexity and (appropriate) difficulty to my thoughts about all of that. Thank you for helping me be a better human and potential parent someday.
ah, thank you so much! I’m really glad you got something out of those pieces.
I am going to cry and never stop crying. I love y’all.
at least you will have SO MUCH COMPANY.
♡
I am somewhat of a hermit and the Toast has been home for me. Also I am maudlin.
have you tried the Slack channel? I keep ducking in, seeing a billion posts, feeling overwhelmed, and ducking out, but I want to figure out how to use it properly and actually be part of the community!
I started poking at it today and I think I’m going to like it. It feels a bit like Twitter before people learned threading: sometimes you do feel like you’ve stepped into a conversation but it moves quickly enough that you can kind of hop in as you go, and it has @s like Twitter so side convos happen pretty quickly.
Nikki, your pieces have made me laugh and cry and the delight you take in presenting work by other writers is a joy in of itself, let alone your love for our community. We love you back SO MUCH.
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks struggling to articulate what the Toast has meant to me, aside from what so many others have expressed so much better than I could, and it’s come down to this: the Toast has given me something to live up to. If I can go to my grave having been my best Toastie – thoughtful and courageous, curious and generous and fierce – I’ll have repaid a smidgen of what others have given to me. You are all amazing.
<3 <3 <3 this is so perfectly said, thank you. That’s how I feel about The Toast too!
Nicole!! I’ve loved everything you’ve written here, and you were my very first editor for my very first published essay! I will miss you and the Toast so much but I’m signing up on Catapult today. 🙂
YAY. Thank you!
Love you so much! I am looking forward to the next leg of your journey, I love what you write.
thank you!!
I mean, I’m really not a hugger, but I feel this moment needs a group hug.
[i am not crying today]
Now reduced to only being able to thumbs-up weeping gifs. DAMMIT.
I think Sulgana said it best (up above in the comments) about what has made the Toast so special to so many people (especially women):
“where being “too much” was just enough.”
Thank you Nikki, for all your hard work and your nuanced thoughts on difficult issues. You have made me think more and feel more about a host of topics. You have helped knit and purl this tangle of ideas into a warm and welcoming community. We all owe you and your fellow editors a huge round of thanks. Berries from Sauvie Island on me!
thank you so much!
Thank you, Nikki.
There are so many articles I want to say thank you for (even more then are listed in your “Best of” post), and in addition to your own (which are so thoughtful and thought-provoking and sooooo well-written) thank you for finding and sharing such wonderful writers with us.
A great editor is a gem beyond value, and seldom honored as such – it made me smile to see how many Toasties know that and are lining up to honor you today.
*proudly stands in line, waving dorkily*
THANK YOU!
thank you Orla!
Thank you. Just, thank you.
🙂 thank you all too.
All the love!
<3 !
Adding my sincere thanks to the Toast chorus, Nikki, for both the strands of your work at the Toast.
thank you!!
Nikki, it was your amazing essays on race that drew me to The Toast in the first place! You are such a great writer and I will miss seeing you here so much!
that’s so good to hear, thank you! I am glad you found your way here!
Thank you for being awesome and writing amazing pieces and introducing me to a book that I love and have recommended to so many other people. You’re the best.
thank you! (which book?)
Nicole, I hope you see this.
Your series on adoption fundamentally changed the why I view myself and my overall identity. I want to ramble on about how many times I cried while reading your pieces at work but I might just start crying all over again. I guess I’ll just say THANK YOU.
thank you so much. <3
Thank you for being you, Nikki.
thank *you*!
I am bereft. Honestly, what will I do without you guys – staff, writers and commenters alike. My heart hurts.
<3 we won’t be all in one easily accessed place anymore, but we’ll all still be writing and publishing and chattering at one another!
Your writing is great and your jokes are great. I cannot imagine the toast without the things that you have written for it. I am so glad you got this job because you are super at it.
Thank you for being patient with all of my many mistakes AND also the nervousness hobgoblin that makes me send emails on Friday evenings and weekends and terrible times instead of waiting until Monday like a cultured being!
Yesterday I said to myself “Oh well I guess now is when I start pitching someone who isn’t Nikki. Oh man. I don’t want to. I don’t feel ready for that,” but I think that I am more ready for that because you were here and kind and encouraging! The toast in general (but you especially!) made me feel like I had something worth saying and that means the world to me. Thank you.
Liz, I LOVE YOUR BUTCH STORIES COMICS SO MUCH; let me know when and how I can read an entire book of them!!!
If it makes you feel any better, I’m not really looking forward to pitching non-Toast sites myself. I’ve gotten so used to just being like “do I want to publish this?” [beat] “YES”
My plan is to travel to the four corners of the universe gaining sufficient courage. After completing 7 feats of emotional strength a book will appear and also someone who understands Kickstarter. I’ll let you know how that goes.
I feel very fortunate that we got to read whatever you felt like writing and publishing here 🙂
I am never going to get over how great the comments on this site are. Nicole all your hard work has been amazing and I’m glad you’ve found somewhere to keep on putting you fantastic skills out into the world
Thank you! Nothing could EVER replace The Toast, but I am really excited to do and try new things.
Thank you so much for helping so many stories to get told, and for sharing some of your own with us.
Your piece on money and marriage is going to stay with me forever, and I hope that If Yo-yo Ma and Lavar Burton Were Your Dad’s does too.
Thank you!
I’ve reread the LeVar/Yo-Yo post so many times in these waning days of The Toast! I think it is the most warm and comforting I’ve ever written.
You’re not supposed to make me cry this early in the morning, I’m not sure that’s OK!
Nikki, I just want to thank you for everything you have done for the-toast but particularly for writing about your family(s). My family does not look like your family; my parenting-within-this-culture worries are not the same worries that you have written about. But I have never read anyone who wrote about my particular worries, and reading what you had to say — about parenting, about race, about being different from others around you, about the underspoken truths about the way we make our families — has helped me so much, in my insides, in my own process of being the parent I hope my kid deserves. I can’t let this week go by without telling you that. Thank you infinitely for your generosity in writing and sharing these things with us.
Thank you so much; this means a lot. <3
I’ve so enjoyed reading the Toast and am looking forward to seeing what the writers who’ve been involved with the site do next. Please can you guys post occasional updates with links to Toast writers’ work elsewhere? Please please please please???
I might create a TinyLetter that would be largely comprised of Toast inside jokes and links to Toast writers’ work, actually. Right now it just seems like ONE MORE THING TO DO and I want to be lazy for a week or two after the site closes, because I am tired too!
Thanks Nikki! You’re the second person to ever tell me they *loved* a piece that I wrote and would publish. You’re also the nicest rejection for an essay I’ve ever gotten – managed to still make me feel super great about me and what I wrote. Will pitch you, will miss you and The Toast <3
Denece, I DID love that piece!! I’m so glad we got to publish it. <3
Nikki, thank you for caring so much and taking people’s stories so seriously. And thank you for writing about your own experiences, which have opened my eyes and heart and brain to so many new perspectives. I can’t count the number of times I have cited a Toast article and said “this isn’t something I’ve really thought about before, but . . .” Thank you for being part of making this place so wonderful. Good luck out in the world, and know you are caring the love and support of the Toast community wherever you go.
aw, thank you so much!! I’ll carry The Toast with me wherever I go. I hope all Toasties do.
Yeah we do!! Literally….IN OUR TOTES.
It’s going to be so DELIGHTFUL the first time I see another Toastie out in the world and identify them because of their tote.
Thank you for everything: for your writing and your editing and especially for sharing your joy in working with writers. I’m looking forward SO MUCH to reading your book.
THANK YOU. <3 The book won’t be out till 2018, which SOUNDS very far away, but I know it’ll be here before I know it.
Oh, Nikki.
I was holding off on reading this because I knew it would crush me but I had to and it did and… I promised I would not be horrid and inappropriate and beg everyone not to go, so I’m not.
You are wonderful. I am so grateful for your work here. I wish you wonderful things and will be excited for every new venture, because you will bring so much to every new place you go.
I regret not pitching something for the Toast so very much. I wish I’d thought of it in terms of simply the chance to talk with you about things we are mutually Too Intense about and swept the rest of my thinking off the table. I love your summary of this place, and for whatever the future holds, it was such an astonishing oasis, and you are a beloved part of that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Miss Catherine/kittenzerg
Thank you Catherine! You can definitely still pitch me at Catapult, or we can just talk about your writing/things you are Too Intense about — any time you want! My door is ALWAYS open to Toasties.
Nikki thank you for all your wonderful writing and editing here. I was only just these past months thinking seriously about writing something I could pitch the Toast after years of reading it. You always made pitching seem something accessible and made me think of writing and publishing outside of work as a real possibility. Thank you for that, and I hope I pitch you someday somewhere!
Yes, please do! I’m happy to just offer some honest feedback on a piece of writing, too, if you would ever like it.
I had to wait to comment. Everything’s felt so overwhelming lately and I thought a day would help. But of course I’m crying anyway. I mostly lurked but I really loved this place. Thank you so much, Nicole.
thank you for being here!
it's a lovely tribute!
definitely, it's great how we're all so calm about this
Thank YOU. And she *was* yar, even as she took to the Sea.
<3
You were a great steward, Nikki. Thank you.
After typing this it feels dramatic, but it’s the truth: My life has been better for having The Toast in it. I wish everyone the best!
There once was this writer, Nicole
Who stepped in when The Toast had a hole
She filled up our hearts
Using editor-y arts
We’re in awe of her wit, wisdom, and soul!
OH MEL no one has ever written me a limerick before!! <3 thank you.
💚💚💚 you will accumulate them by the dozens before you’re done, but I’m honored to be first!
I wonder if anyone’s run the idea by John Cho
My people will call his people. It’s in the bag, my friend.
Thank you, Toast, you were a sanctuary.
Nikki, I know I’m saying what everyone else has said — but thank you for so much that you’ve brought to this site and this community. Thank you for doing everything that you have to make this a wonderful space to come, read wonderful works, and be surrounded by others doing the same.
Thank you! I’ve loved it all.
I am exceedingly distressed because JUST TODAY I followed a link to discover this website: “Carrie Frye gives us a thorough and fascinating history of Miss Havisham” (from the Vox article, “Read a new Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie short story about Melania Trump”). It was great. I want more. BUT I CAN’T HAVE IT. The definition of requited frustration.