494 Comments

  1. sluts4ever +9

    Toasties with visible tattoos and fun colored hair who work in offices: what is your job? How can I get a job like yours?

      1. abrantingham +6

        Similarly: work in Portland.

        Or I think working for smaller/family owned/independent/whatever offices can help? Like they might be more conservative than a corporation but a lot of times they make their own rules and don’t give a damn.

    2. ArsenioB_Ham +14

      I work in higher ed (albeit at a conservative-ish university) and I have a Shakespeare quote on my wrist and the Deathly Hallows on my ankle. My tattoos have been a non-issue except for on my first day, when I was in the managers’ meeting to take notes and one of the associate directors pointed at my tattoo and was like, “IS THAT THE DEATHLY HALLOWS?” Not inherently embarrassing, but also weird on your first day.

      1. anachronistique +2

        I also work in higher ed! I started with an easily hidden tattoo and worked my way up to a more visible tattoo and pink hair (at different times). Everybody loves it.

      2. ehmgeebee +2

        I also work in higher ed. I have one sleeve, stuff on my clavicles, and visible stuff at the base of my neck and it’s never been any kind of issue. Folks sometimes ask questions about them, but nobody has ever given me any guff.

        I think I have a privileged standing based on my credentials that makes my modifications rank as irrelevant/kind of cool at my job. It’s not right that some people have leeway to tweak expectations for professionalism or what’s “appropriate,” but I see a lot of bias at work around my artwork and others’ mods in job settings. Sigh.

    3. blunderbusst +6

      I work for the State of Nevada. Zero fucks are given regarding tattoos, hair color, and most piercings, at most of the state agencies.

      1. daeseage +1

        Ditto for the State of Nevada! A *lot* of the younger employees have visible tattoos, piercings, more eccentric hair, etc. I even get to wear jeans every day for work! But some agencies are a lot stricter, particularly the ones with a lot of customer service.

    4. blueblazes11 +6

      I work in a non-clinical department at a hospital. Visible tattoos aren’t allowed, though the rule is rarely enforced. In my department, maybe half of us have a tattoo that is at least partially visible at all times. No hair color rules, so right now it is green and blue and black. Dress code is business casual, no jeans.

      Tips? Generally, an org that is progressive in other ways will also be progressive about the appearance policy. Our tattoo policy is under review right now because the “market research” the original policy was based on was done in the 1990s. Community attitudes have changed. If they brag about being green or progressive or innovative or high-energy then your chances are good. And it is OK to ask in an interview!

      1. sluts4ever +3

        I currently work for a non-profit and they’re surprisingly strict. I just want to bleach my hair and use a bunch of manic panic! Is that too much to ask?

    5. embryoconcepts +9

      I have a friend that works at a DOD subcontractor, and they HAVE to let you be re: hair and tattoos. Apparently, there are some benefits to working for the man.

    6. combledore +6

      Criminal defense lawyer. My hair is only streaked, and the streaks are in the under-layer, but I’m kind of shocked my work has been cool with it. I dress fairly conservatively, so maybe it evens out to acceptable?

    8. zzblock +4

      I work in publishing – not all areas of publishing would allow it, but production/digital production/design positions don’t care and aren’t particularly visible jobs. When I got my first tattoo, the general feeling among my coworkers was “welcome to the club”, not “what have you done?!?!”

      1. breakdownhat +1

        I will second this. As long as your not in legal or finance, publishing is pretty open to all appearances.

    9. Es_Petal +4

      I am a sub-editor – my tattoos aren’t meant ot be visible but they don’t fuss about them poking out of a tank-top style top. My hair is blue, I asked my boss, she said she didn’t care but to ask HR, HR said they didn’t care but to ask my boss. My office is in London, it’s a non-customer-facing role, and I had been doing the job very well for 6 years when I dyed my hair blue – although I did get the initial invterview with purple hair as the interviewer wanted to talk to me about it!

    10. tejaskatie +2

      I’m a paralegal, and I work in Austin. Only time I gotta cover up the tattoos is when I go to court.

    11. deleted7410012 +2

      i work as a copywriter at an ad agency (albeit, in san francisco).

      when i asked about their tattoo policy, my manager rolled her eyes and was like, “what? we don’t care.”

    12. keythah +5

      I work in web development in fairly-conservative Orange County. I got the job because I have an English degree, experience with editing (i.e. attention to detail), and social media — namely, Myspace and Facebook.

      I met my now-supervisor off OkCupid years ago because we’re both bi poly ladies. We didn’t date or even hang out much but ended up keeping in touch via Facebook. When I posted about needing a job, she contacted me, and I got hired the second time they were looking; I’ve been here for over a year now.

      As for the Myspace connection, I taught myself HTML so that I could make my Myspace as pretty and perfect and clean as I wanted it to be. Without my HTML knowledge, there’s no way I could’ve landed the job.

    13. RoseCamelia +11

      Get a job no one else wants.

      My employer was sick of training new, inexperienced, unreliable people every 6 months (for years!). They all would flee because my coworkers, though very nice people, are ridiculous. They’ve all been there for 30 or 40 years, each. No joke. And their routines are so idiosyncratic and technophobic.

      All I had to do was show up on time daily and be minimally competent to make them think I am the bee’s knees. Now that I’ve been there a year, they quake at the thought I might leave them. They don’t know that the only reason I’m still around is because I’m just waiting for my beloved’s next career move. When you know you’ll be leaving town in the next year, you don’t go looking for a new local gig.

      It’s a very conservative small town. But I can show up with teal hair and still have a job. Everyone is scandalized and averts their eyes. But every evening they all chirp “see you tomorrow” in that desperate tone.

    14. teerexington +1

      I am a therapist and an ice cream slinger, with lots of tattooes, but no fun hair colors just bc personal preference. tattooes are so mainstreamed anyway these days, my mom barely cares anymore.

      1. Miss B

        I’ve had purple-y/blue hair for 5 years now — got it done during the last two years at my last corporate office admin. gig, and got my current, similar job while having it. In my experience — and having interacted with all kinds of professional sorts (government and military, lawyers, finance people, &c) while doing these jobs…it’s been a non-issue? People, if they notice it, tend to be complimentary. (In certain low, indoor light, some people don’t even notice if they aren’t paying attention — it can look dark or like a trick of the eye if the lighting is weird). I don’t think I could get a job in a law office or a serious-serious financial or government office, but everything else…probably okay? (Note: I am _sure_ it helps that I am white, and happen to fall on the attractive-to-a-large-enough-percentage-of-the-population spectrum, and that I am “well-spoken” and dress in a way that works in office environments. I am not at all blind to the many kinds of privilege I benefit from, in this kind of situation.) I also a tattoo on one wrist that is obviously visible, but it’s text and fairly delicate and a lot of people don’t notice it and/or think it’s a bracelet, so that’s never been an issue either.

        Funnily enough, the one time my hair _has_ been an issue was when I was trying to volunteer at my local Planned Parenthood. (This was for a back-office, mostly after-hours position, mind you.) I “interviewed” for 45 minutes — IN PERSON, so the woman interviewing me could see what I looked like — and at the end, when she was giving me the information about group orientation/ training/&c., she offhandedly mentioned the dress code (no jeans, no flip flops, the usual kind of thing), but also NO UNNATURALLY-COLORED HAIR! And I just blinked at her, and said “Ummm…but you’ve been talking to me for almost an hour. You did notice that I have unnaturally-colored hair, right?” And she said “Well, not everyone is so attached to that kind of thing, so, you know…” This was almost three years ago and I am _still_ seething about it. Grrrrr.

  2. ArsenioB_Ham +22

    I officially submitted my application for the assistant director position that opened up recently in my office! I am currently already doing the job while the position is open, so I GUESS that means I’m pretty qualified for it. The job itself is a lot of very detail-oriented work related to course and classroom scheduling–the kind of thing that no one cares if you’re doing it right and will murder you with their words if you slip up in the slightest.

    I’m…not sure how much I want it. I mean, I want the promotion and the salary increase and the addition to my resume, but if they go with someone else, I might not be TOO disappointed.

    1. Norrey +1

      Good luck! Deciding what you want to do job-wise is so hard, especially when there’s more money on the line.

    2. Genevievenumba4 +1

      Oh that’s such a weird position to be in. I hope you get the thing that is exactly right for you, if that makes sense? Or just all the money and the accolades. Oh wait, or both! Yes, both. 🙂

    3. RoseCamelia +1

      You’re in the best position! You know you can do the job. You don’t care if you don’t get the job. If you get the job, you get more money and a resume boost. Well done!

    2. kjschapira +2

      Well done! That’s no joke, I’ve seen what some of those knitters can do — pics please?

        1. alicia +5

          I like how casually you mention that you bought the yarn in Ulan Bator, like that’s a place people buy yarn all the time. I mean, I’m sure people do but they aren’t people writing in English on websites I hang out on. Very cool.

        4. bekswhosparkles-2 +1

          that is beautiful!!!!
          Congratulations on the win, and for completing something in cobweb weight.

        5. Household_Opera +1

          Oh wow. COBWEB weight? That is a serious level of commitment. And it’s beautiful!

    4. deleted2997279 +1

      That is so awesome!! Can I see it when I visit a state fair at a certain expo this Friday???? Or is it a different state?

      1. themegnapkin +1

        You’re going to the DE state fair, in Harrington? Then yes you can!!!! It’s in the Dover Building! There are lots of lovely knitted & crocheted objects, but watch out if you get too close – the volunteer guards are very conscientious.

        1. deleted2997279 +1

          Bummer, I am not, I am going to the CA state fair! I was trying to be coy so your location wasn’t outed if you didn’t want, but I obviously didn’t do a good job haha. I tried to see your raverly link but I am not a member so I will imagine gorgeous lace shawls in its stead!

  4. lilsebastian01 +13

    Thank goodness because I need some help. I joined OK Cupid earlier this week and no one is messaging me! I have a very good profile (several friends who are OK Cupid experts confirmed it’s good), lots of pictures, and I’m messaging people. I’ve gotten like 3 “hi how are you”s from people with nothing in common with me. I have a sinking feeling that the problem is being a somewhat fat person. Others with OK Cupid experience, what should I do? Is it normal to have a lot of people look at your profile and no one message you? I’ve only been on for like, two days, so if I’m overthinking it or that’s normal, let me know.

    1. ArsenioB_Ham +6

      I got a pretty consistent stream of messages (a handful a week for the month I did OkCupid in 2010) but they ALL devolved into something gross and sexual within two or so replies (without me every saying anything REMOTELY suggestive). I found it disheartening.

      Maybe people are on vacation right now and not OkCupiding as much as normal?

      ETA I am also a somewhat-to-just-plain fat person.

      1. Beakses +7

        I am also a 2009 vintage OkC user, and I remember it taking a few days to get any messages, and I definitely went days between messages as well. On the other hand, I got very few of the “omg set it on fire!” level of terrible gross messages, a few of the “hi how r u” type, a “hey, want to get coffee” message (to which I said yes, even though the guy this Unabomber level beard. He turned out to be a perfectly pleasant human who agreed with my opinions on postmodernism), and the extended, very long back and forth with the man who is now my husband. So you don’t necessarily need volume- just quality!

        1. ArsenioB_Ham +1

          Incidentally, I did meet my fiancé through online dating (Chemistry.com) which is why I was only on OkC for a month (I used the two sites concurrently). So I definite don’t have anything against online dating and I suspect I’d have had more luck with OkC if I’d stuck with it longer and had a larger sample size.

    2. deleted2845473 +6

      That sounds pretty normal. Also, I seemed to get a lot more messages mid-week, I assume because people think they’ll look like losers if they’re on the internet on the weekend? So two days may not be a representative sample.

    3. themnemosyne +44

      Basically in my experience with OKC if no one messages you that means you are doing it right. If people message you (which you DO NOT WANT no matter HOW much you think you do, trust me), they are usually one of two extremes: horrifying requests for extremely explicit sexual acts or the sender is functionally illiterate and dull and the message is something like “hi how r u”, and when you check on their profile it ‘s almost entirely blank save for the information that they’re a straight male and “you should message me if you want”

      Yesterday someone messaged me begging for me to send them pictures of my armpits. I mean dude just – BAM – right into armpit talk. No hi how r u, no “you sound amazing, I also really love forensic anthropology and Edmonson/Noto’s Black Widow ongoing and I’d love to meet up with you sometime”. No gentle easing in, armpits or gtfo with this guy.

      This was the least offensive request I have received.

      I want season 5 of American Horror Story to be Online Dating because jesus christ. I am certain, certain, that my fate is to live in a witch cave alone save for a devoted dog after my experiences on that site.

      1. betsymore +23

        I want season 5 of American Horror Story to be Online Dating
        Thank you, this gave me an excellent too-loud-for-this-coffee-shop guffaw.

        1. themnemosyne +48

          seriously tho

          true personal horror is the dude I met up with that, halfway through the date, inexplicably became hella racist and I had to excuse myself, track down the waitress, hand her my part of the tab, and explain that she was a lovely server but I was here on a blind date that went south and could she please tell the gentleman at table 14 that his date had ascended into the air while screeching “Magneto was right” and would not be returning?

          the frightening experience of having a dude tell me I should come back to his house because his girlfriend was out of town and she’d never know I was there, having previously never mentioned a girlfriend at any juncture of our two-week correspondence?

          the slow-build terror of the dude that took three hours to eat a burrito, and then chastised me for eating my meal “too quickly”, having finished my own food two hours previously?

          the recurring nightmare of the dude that still texts me, drunk, asking if I want to see yet another picture of his penis? (I do not, and did not, ever, wish to do so but yet they still get sent to me and put in the Penis Pile)

          AND SO ON

          2. SSVerity +3

            I’m crying (tears of laughter mixed with tears of horror at the future of humanity).

          3. themnemosyne +17

            I have screenshots of some of my worst requests because I was telling my (partnered, off-the-market) friends about the messages I’ve gotten and they thought that I was exaggerating or making shit up.

            Friends, I am not , and have not.

            I have considered starting a (separate) Tumblr for them but there are so many other Tumblrs out there devoted to such a thing that it almost seems fruitless to do so: oh look, more insane and inappropriate messages from strangers on a popular free dating site, hurray.

            Maybe I should just rewrite them as 18th century personal ads and send them to the Toast as a humor piece.

          6. themnemosyne +13

            I have seen actual snails eat actual things faster than this person was eating. It was stone-cold by the time he was through with it, as you’d expect, and he mentioned this in a sort of whiny tone, like it was the burrito’s or perhaps the restaurant’s fault.

            We did not, of course, see one another again after that.

          7. GoatseFanfic +17

            Any prole can just scarf down a burrito like they’re a hungry wolf devouring a rabbit. This man is an artiste, and takes his craft seriously

          8. Vera_Knoop +9

            It does make one wonder what sort of burritos he was accustomed to eating that were still hot after three hours. Or maybe this was his first encounter with one, and he was proceeding with extreme caution?

      3. combledore +5

        Ooooh, Edmondson/Noto’s Black Widow!! I will talk about that with you and I don’t even need to see your armpits.

        1. themnemosyne +2

          I am always totally, 100% game for nerding the hell out about comic books, anytime.

      4. ArsenioB_Ham +10

        Armpits or gtfo is also my motto.

        NOT. (No offense to any non-socially-inept armpit-lovers out there.)

        1. themnemosyne +5

          I mean, if that’s someone’s jam, sure, ok, whatevs, I’m fetish-friendly, but that’s like…third date conversation, that’s not an opening gambit, you know? And I have to wonder about this poor dude, how many requests for armpits does he send out in a day? How many times has he asked women to show him their pits, assure them that wasn’t a typo and yes, he did mean armpits, and then get shut down? I almost feel a little sorry for Mr. Pit.

          Almost.

          1. ArsenioB_Ham +1

            Yeah, I wasn’t trying to kink-shame! I was commenting on the all pits-or-nothing attitude. DEFINITELY NOT an opening gambit, unless maybe you’re on a kink site?

      5. majorgeneralmaybellelamplighter +26

        Re: armpits. My favorite such message was “Would u step barefoot on a cake”.

        No, sir, I will not. That sounds sensorily/texturally unpleasant and also wasteful.

        1. themnemosyne +27

          I have begun responding to messages like that – just straight-up requests for sex or fetish fulfillment – with negotiations for payment.

          Armpit guy got salty after I told him the pictures were $20/per. He then offered to barter with me, pics of my armpits for pics of whatever body part I so desired on his own person. I laughed for a solid three minutes and told him if I could just pay my rent in dick pics I’d be set through eternity, but I can’t, so nope; one gets what one pays for, and I recommend that he to go back to Googling deodorant ads.

          He replied with “Yep, that’s the plan.”

          Poor little man.

          1. majorgeneralmaybellelamplighter +19

            My immediate response on reading his last response was to say “Ohh…” out loud, in the “That’s hilarious but too bad” tone usually reserved for videos of baby animals bumping into things.

            My best bad messages were from a really persistent guy who would narrate his actions like a preteen anime fan on AIM, e.g., “*Dares to kiss you softly on the lips then runs away before you can hurt me*”.

          2. themegnapkin +3

            <3 your moxie . . . but what if he actually agreed to pay $20/per? (rethinks career plans)

    4. blunderbusst +3

      The last time I OKC’ed was in 2009, but I seem to remember that it took a few days before I started getting messages, which were also of the dishearteningly poor-grammar-and-explicit-sexual-suggestions variety. I am a slightly overweight person, and the chubby factor never seemed to be a problem. In some cases, I think people are maybe into that.

    5. ofTrebond +3

      It takes time! And a lot of work. I rarely receive interesting messages, but friends of all physical types who actually message people do get good results, they just have to send a bunch of messages first.

    6. embryoconcepts +7

      The more questions you answer, the better the matching works, as well. Do a couple hundred and see if it helps.

      1. lilsebastian01 +3

        I already did like 600 (what can I say, I love me a survey), but I’ll keep going.

        1. benwolfson +1

          600 seems like it should be way more than enough—I suspect it’s higher than the average number of questions people have answered (or maybe I just think that because whenever I attempt to answer more questions I think, hey, this question is kinda dumb, I think I will not answer it, either).

          1. valeriejeanpi +7

            Yeah, sometimes if you add or delete a picture, or just update your profile in general, it brings you to the front of more people’s attention. Some kind of algorithm where if you’re inactive, you receive so many fewer messages/views, because you’re just not showing up. Switch things up a bit and you should be receiving innumerable “hey how r u” messages in no time.

    7. Car_Hole +2

      I did Match and had similar period of waiting around for things to pick up. From my experience of messaging peeps, I would look at somebody’s profile a bunch of times before contacting them, so if you’ve just joined maybe people haven’t had a chance to do that look and re-look process yet.

    8. robot_dinosaur +2

      Have you answered questions? Sometimes that boosts results. Also, it does just take time! Also, if you put video games on there you will get ALL SORTS OF MESSAGES (that are dumb and boring).

      1. lilsebastian01 +1

        I did like 600 questions but I’ll keep at it! I am so bad at video games it’s hilarious, I can’t even try without laughing at myself. So maybe I could say that?

        1. majorgeneralmaybellelamplighter +4

          Beyond just answering questions, I suggest adding explanations. That will cause you to pop up on the newsfeed-type section, and someone might be struck by your wit or feelings regarding the relative sizes of the earth and the sun and what happens when you turn gloves inside out.

          Also, no harm in messaging first. Browsing the site was one of my favorite parts of OKC.

          1. lilsebastian01 +2

            Oh good idea! Some of them are phrased in such a way that I want to explain myself more anyway.

            I’m doing a bunch of messaging first but it’s a bummer to have people not respond. (I am so impatient; I just joined two days ago! people might get back! someday!)

    10. daisicles +6

      I’m convinced that half of it is where you’re located. When I list my hometown as my location on my OkCupid profile, I get nothing because people in that area just don’t do online stuff as much. But when I lived in a larger city, I felt like the most popular girl in school with all the messages. Nothing about my profile changed — still the same words to describe myself and the same pictures of my fat self — but the pool of people looking did.

      I’m back to my hometown now and I don’t even remember the last time I got a message.

      1. Eliza +2

        SO MUCH THIS. Boys are laaaaaazy and don’t want to travel.
        hometown: medium sized-city, result: medium amount of messages
        hometown : capital (lie, but could be there in an hour) : BAM INUNDATED.

    11. kalat1979 +7

      I had a pretty good experience with OkCupid, went on mostly good dates and am currently partnered with the best of those guys 2.5 years later. I found that having really specific information in my profile helped get the message ball rolling. Specific bars and restaurants that I frequented in town, those that I hated, favorite books and comic (titles and authors), types of beers enjoyed, etc. Comics and beers were the most popular topics, which suits me just fine. I am a pretty fat person and am in my thirties, so.

      Is Plenty of Fish still a website? Because every freaking guy I met on there was a psycho pervert.

      1. keythah +2

        I live near LA and all my PoF messages were from “photographers” and “talent agents” offering me allegedly non-creepy “gigs”.

        For the record, at the time, I weighed more than 200 lb. at 5’5 and had frizzy black hair. I ended up deleting my profile.

    12. Momthra +4

      I think it’s possible to write a profile that doesn’t attract a lot of messages ’cause it’s pretty carefully tailored to appeal to just that kind of person. Any maybe that kind of person finds you? It just takes a little longer.

    13. paperbgprincess +2

      I second everyone so far who’s said to be patient, and also that fewer is better! I don’t get a ton of messages, maybe a couple a week, and the number of those I want to reply to is way fewer. I’d much rather receive fewer decent messages than have to wade through many more “hey whats up”s! If you want quantity and/or just want to get laid, try Tinder. 🙂

    14. teerexington

      that sounds normal? I have been on a bazillion dates from the internet, always been some flavor of fat, I got more successful as I got older (25 did better than 22) and going to grad school. people seemed not very concerned with how fat I was, but I also tend to be the one to initiate contact most of the time, bc that’s easy for me, and so if I had waited for folks to pick me, it might’ve taken much longer. I also tend to date introvers and am used to being like SO you seem nice, dates are nice, how about ice cream? if it’s any help, I mentioned that I like Zadie Smith and got like five quality responses from that. that being said, I went on a zillion dates, and my gf went on a few, but I was her first date after a five-year dryish spell, and yknow, we live together and have a dog and shit. good luck! and even if your dates are weeeeeeeeeeird, just remember how much they will make your friends laugh.

  5. aravisthequeen +55

    It ISN’T fair! Let’s all sulk.

    But in the interest of not sulking: my husband and I bought a house this weekend! We looked at it for the first time Thursday and settled up all the papers yesterday. Wham bam thank you ma’am, now we own a house. Next step is to go on vacation, and then move in September.

    WE OWN A HOUSE WTF.

    1. Norrey +2

      CONGRATS! I am trying to figure out how to calm my immense anxiety about all the work/risk that goes into buy a home. My husband really wants to buy a house, but every time we get close to actually seriously looking I get cold feet. So, suffice to say I am terribly impressed with anyone who can do it successfully.

      1. aravisthequeen +1

        The only reason we could afford to do it is because houses are insanely inexpensive for Canadian standards where we live, and a lot of specific deals from our bank/my husband’s work that make it possible for us. Otherwise if we were out of pocket for stuff like closing costs, I would still be terrified.

        1. lora.bee

          Congrats! Huz-zah! You aren’t somewhere magically inexpensive on the West Coast by chance, are you? My boyfriend & I recently starting looking to buy in Vancouver, and looking at the prices I just started laughing which quickly turned into crying. EVEN BEFORE I looked I knew I would cry.

          1. aravisthequeen +1

            So sorry! Rural Southern Ontario. Although our realtor told us many horror stories of how EXPENSIVE everything was in B.C. and I was horrified.

    2. mbculver +4

      This was the way we bought our house too. We’d only officially been looking (with a broker) for a week or two. We found our house, went to look at it, liked it, put in an offer and had it accepted, all on a Thursday. We signed papers and moved in (with an infant) 6 weeks later.

      It was all a bit, *ahem* overwhelming and I still look back on that time today, 11 years later, and go WTF.

      1. aravisthequeen +1

        Thank you! Honestly, I’m not that concerned because we’re only going to be here like 2-4 years, so honestly, if it’s not perfect, who cares? It’s not our Forever Home. And that took a lot of pressure off.

    3. Genevievenumba4 +2

      Holy shit congratulations! I can only wistfully look at real estate listings because New York, but I oooooh man I covet. I bet it is terrifying but also super satisfying.

    4. elsamac +1

      Congratulations and WOW, that is fast! That sounds like a great way to do it: plunge in instead of taking weeks and months of wondering and pro/conning and dithering. How exciting to come back from vacation to a new house!

    5. miprisci +2

      Yay congrats!!! Welcome to home ownership, now despair, despair!

      I’m kidding. If your experience is anything like mine, though, actually buying the damn thing is like the easiest part of it. Getting it juuuuust how you want it will consume your nights and weekends from here unto eternity.

      But yaaaaay, house!

      1. aravisthequeen +1

        😮 😮 😮 😮 😮

        I’m busy already dithering about decor. But hey, it’s only going to be home for like, two or three years, so WHATEVER. That is my new motto.

    7. ksek

      Yay! Congrats! My husband I just moved into our newly-purchased house on Monday. Good luck with your future move and unpacking! (OH the unpacking…)

    8. octopoda +1

      Congrats! My wife and I also just closed on a house. It is pretty crazy feeling!

  6. FrancesGnome +56

    I gave blood today and they didn’t have stickers. How am I to demonstrate my superior generosity to my coworkers without a sticker?

    1. betsymore +12

      That’s some bullshit right there. You are entitled to a sticker. It’s the first law of blood donation, like right before “don’t lie about your HIV and hepatitis B status.”

      2. elsamac +32

        Something along the lines of

        “THEY TOOK MY BLOOD

        BE KIND

        OR I WILL TAKE YOURS”

    4. blushingflower +5

      The blood drives at my my office always have really bright vet wrap over the gauze pad, so it’s pretty obvious. Did they not give you the giant bandage?

      1. FrancesGnome +13

        No! and it’s not like it was some backwater weird group, it was Red Cross! I ended up with FOUR bandaids because the needle fell out and I’ll spare you the details but they had to tap three veins to finish. I EARNED that sticker, is what I’m saying.

        1. thebellewitch +4

          Three veins?? I hope you at least cleaned them out of tiny cookies and crackers!

          1. FrancesGnome +14

            Pretzels and some cranberry juice, though I downed a bottle of water while donating. I also upgraded my finger-prick-iron-test bandaid to a magic unicorn bandaid when I returned to my desk.

    5. wallofillusion +5

      Demonstrate your generosity by passing out while you try to make yourself lunch (in order to replenish yourself so that you don’t pass out)!

      No, I lied. Don’t do that. I did that last time I gave blood so now everyone who loves me doesn’t let me give blood anymore.

      1. FrancesGnome +4

        There were free leftovers from a Finance team lunch meeting. So I did get lunch?

    7. majorgeneralmaybellelamplighter +31

      Clearly the only thing to do is to work it gracefully into work conversations.

      “Bathsheba, could you see whether Martha needs that report tomorrow or Friday? My brain is on the fritz because I GAVE BLOOD TODAY.”

      “Winnifred, is the machine still down? I’d look myself, but I’m feeling a little dizzy since I GAVE BLOOD TODAY.”

      “Thomasine, could you be a love and reach those reagents for me? I’d do it myself, but my BLOOD-GIVING ARM is achy after I GAVE ALL THAT BLOOD TODAY.”

      Also, judging by the names of your coworkers, your office is in a 19th-century novel.

      1. FrancesGnome +2

        This is pretty much how I handled it. Also, feeling like I should milk this tomorrow too.

    8. constancegrady +13

      Step 1: Buy yourself a cookie. (You should pretty much always do this anyway, because: cookie).
      Step 2: Ostentatiously wander around the office, nibbling at your cookie. Announce: “Yeah, I have to keep my blood sugar up because I gave blood today. Better have some more cookies! You know, because of the precious life-sustaining fluid I gave up in order to save the lives of my fellow humans.”
      Step 3: Revel in your superior generosity.

      1. FrancesGnome +6

        I got a frappaccino because I also had a Starbucks reward. So, pretty much I just coasted on free leftovers and store credits to assuage my injured person.

  7. jhsaxena +37

    Nicole fly to New York and we’ll have a party WITHOUT THEM, and it’ll be BETTER.

    6. msjinxie +2

      Hey now, y’all always get the fun shit AND you’ve got far superior bagels/pizza so LET US HAVE THIS ONE THING.

  8. sednarea51 +9

    I am in Baltimore but unable to go to the DC Toast party tonight. BOOOOOOOO. So you lucky party-attending Toasties, have oodles of fun for me!

    In lieu of awesome Toast parties, I will be making Brazilian cheese bread and completing a cross stitch featuring Snoopy from Peanuts and a Snoop Dogg lyric. Parties would be preferable but that’s a good second choice I think.

      1. sednarea51 +5

        ALLOW ME TO BLOW YOUR MIND. 😀 It’s called “pao de queijo”; made with tapioca flour and Parmesan cheese. I’m told it bakes up crunchy on the outside, but soft and chewy and cheesy inside. I ran across a recipe a month ago during the World Cup excitement but have only had time to try it now.

    2. alicia +2

      Brazilian cheese bread! I have a co-worker who once brought me some, I still fantasize about it sometimes. Recipe?

  9. Car_Hole +15

    Hi Toasties, I need help. A straight white guy friend of mine just went on a rant via text about how it’s becoming “socially acceptable” to make fun of straight white men, and how it’s not ok and why isn’t anyone talking about it. On the one hand, I know that his feelings have been legitimately hurt by something, but on the other hand…I don’t really care? How to balance being a friend to an actual person who has actually felt slighted with my commitment to dismantling the patriarchy?

    1. hurdyburdy +32

      “I get that you’re upset, but it’s always been socially acceptable to make fun of non-straight, non-white non-men, so I’m having a hard time sympathizing when that’s the part you’re upset about.” Or just text him a big frowny face.

    2. kilks401 +32

      as a straight white guy, maybe some combination of “it sucks to be made fun of, but it’s never going to lead you being fired from a job or arrested, so deal with it..” Acknowledge his feelings (to a degree), but point out why it’s not that big of a deal? like, he still has tons of privilege?

      On the other hand, you can just be like, “deal with it,” since even for a close friend it’s not your job to comfort him, necessarily.

      1. Car_Hole +29

        This is the thing. It feels like Marie Antoinette complaining about the satirical cartoons about her. It sucks for her, but also she’s still the dang queen.

    3. blunderbusst +42

      If it were me, I’d bypass the whole “socially acceptable” conversation and go straight to, “who hurt your feelings? are you ok? do you want to talk about it?” When your friend has calmed down, then it’s a good time to talk about privilege and how you don’t ever want to hear him make another argument about how “it’s wrong that it’s socially acceptable to make fun of straight white men” and here are your reasons.

      Sometimes you have to stop being friends with people after this conversation, though, so feel free to take it slow, smile when you talk to him, and don’t judge him for being ill-informed and unaware.

      Or just set him on fire. Whatever you need to do.

      1. Genevievenumba4 +4

        So many thumbs up for this, though sometimes the waiting and the constantly taking so much care with people who don’t have much to complain about is exhausting, which I guess is where the burn it down option comes in? I just had this situation go pretty well, but it took a few months, so…yeah.

        1. Vera_Knoop +6

          The last time I tiptoed around a dude friend (and I really, really did; I bit my tongue all the time) who didn’t get this, he ended up ending the friendship because he “felt constantly judged.” Whoops.
          Never again.

          1. Genevievenumba4 +5

            Argbargle. You just want to be like, “Well, that’s what happens when you’re an ignorant asshole.”

    4. GoatseFanfic +38

      his feelings have been legitimately hurt by something

      lol no they haven’t

      If he’s really this upset about finding himself on equal ground with essentially everyone else in this most harmless and inconsequential of ways, the problem is with him, not the rest of the world, and while you may desire to phrase this in a nicer way than I’d bother to, there’s really nothing for it but for him to suck it up and get some perspective on life.

      Or, here, copy and paste this and tell him it’s from a certified white guy, it’s okay, I won’t hurt you:
      Guy, you’re in the patrician class of the most powerful empire the world has ever seen. All your actual problems, and you probably can come up with at least a few, are coming from directions completely other than snarky blacks and womenfolk making you look silly. If you really care this much about being taken seriously, maybe quit sniveling about horseshit.

    5. deleted2997279 +12

      haha. hahahaha. hahahahhahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

      I mean, it’s one thing if someone made fun of -him- for something, but if he took offensive at something making fun of straight white dudes as a whole? Nah.

      1. GoatseFanfic +9

        The one grievance less substantive than your darky jokes from 1870 not being the life of the party anymore

    6. elsamac +19

      how it’s not ok and why isn’t anyone talking about it.

      Lots and lots* of people are talking about it; they’re straight white cisgender men whose feelings and sense of dignity are hurt — and yes, as you point out, sometimes legitimately hurt — by suffering the same kind of widespread mockery and dismissal that women, POC, gay people, transgender people, and other marginalized populations have experienced for, well, as long as I’ve been alive anyhow. [eta: Well, it isn’t the same, because the taunting of these white straight cisgendered men in no way contributes to their ongoing oppression as it does for all the other groups I mention.]

      *And lots and lots and lots and LOTS: in my life, anyhow, they are inescapable, whether tit’s a friend who posts this complaint on Facebook or a stranger who gets in my mentions on Twitter or a friend-of-friends at a barbecue who uses his relative social privilege to corner me to tell me how he is powerless in this society or a man in line at the grocery store who thinks that an unaccompanied woman exists to listen to him. They’re everywhere and they’re so sure of having their voices welcomed that they rarely appear to notice how little I am interested in hearing them rant about how they’ve been SILENCED FOREVER, all without ever noticing how their privilege is the very thing that affords them the scope to voice these concerns so widely.

      So I have to agree with blunderbusst’s suggestion to skip over the larger question of the social acceptability of making fun of a privileged social group and get to the specific incident, if you want to address this at all.

      1. Car_Hole +8

        These are all really helpful. And yeah, I don’t think his revelation is actually novel. I think it’s just the first time he’s ever recognized himself being lumped in with his group in a way that is negative (because of course all of the other ways he’s treated as a member of various categories rather than as an individual are beneficial to him).

        1. elsamac +7

          I wish I’d been clearer: of course I didn’t mean to insinuate that you think his complaints are novel, and I’m sorry I phrased it so ambiguously. Based on what you say, he seems to think this is some forbidden topic that no one is talking about, and my point is that not only are the men who think they’re so marginalized talking about it, they’re doing it loudly and boldly from a position of great privilege — privilege so great, in fact, that they think being made fun of is the same thing as suffering from decades or centuries of marginalization.

          And for that reason, if I were in your shoes, I would focus on the single specific incident and give him some space to talk out his feelings about that, redirecting him or shutting him down if he persists in expanding that to a woe-is-me it’s-hardest-on-the-white-men speech.

    7. miprisci +19

      Perhaps you could mention something like, They’re only making fun of you if you identify with the group being made fun of. Like, yes, I am a straight white guy, and it’s patently obvious that there are a shit ton of things about straight-white-guy “culture” that are just absolutely ripe for making fun of. But I also understand that when people rail against straight white dudes, I’m probably not exactly who they have in mind as their target.

      And if I am very specifically the target, I probably fucked up somehow, and maybe I should think on that and figure out what I did wrong.

      1. kilks401 +1

        yeah, sometimes I am the target, more or lessf! And if that’s the case, I should figure out how to not be that person in the future!

        2. Aquamarine Dream

          Myrtle: The “Men are afraid / women are afraid” quote is by Margaret Atwood.

    9. grumblyqueer +4

      Send the rant to the straightwhiteboystexting tumblr, and then give him some links to social justice websites. There is no legitimacy to this hurt, which is why you don’t care.

    10. Momthra +10

      I (white lady) had this conversation recently with my boyf (who is not white) in reference to my man-bashing. I told him that when he says something exasperated about “white people” I get what that means cause I’m one of those anti-racist types and I don’t think he means me. It’s a shorthand for describing a cultural dynamic. It’s not a personal insult because I’m also white. Just like when I say that men ruin everything. (Although it’s sort of true; can anyone out there think of one problem that wasn’t caused by a man?)

        1. Momthra +1

          He totally got it. I’m not sure it would work for everyone – but with someone who’s already inclined to try to find ways to get better about this stuff, it seemed pretty effective.

    11. Vera_Knoop +6

      If he really can’t (or won’t) see the difference between jokes that reinforce the status quo and remind people (who are not straight white men) that they are seen as less than human by a large chunk of the population and jokes that strike upward at those same power structures, are you sure you need this dude in your life?

    12. Linette +10

      I had a similar conversation recently with my boyfriend and what seemed to hit home was, “I get that it sucks when people seem to hate you for no reason, but since your thing means you have to work slightly harder to be perceived as a decent human being and my thing means I might be raped and murdered at any time, I win the contest of whose life sucks more.”

    13. bibliobotic +12

      I would literally just send him this gif and have done, buuuuuuut that’s probably why I’m not friends with a ton of straight white guys.

  10. meetapossum +7

    Two of my best friends got married this weekend, and it was the GREATEST. I also saw Walking With Dinosaurs which is amazing and everyone should see it.

    ETA – Not the movie, the live show.

    1. Vera_Knoop +1

      Two of my best friends are getting married this coming weekend! And then my birthday is three days later. Maybe I’ll go see Walking With Dinosaurs for my birthday.

  11. mittenstheboar +4

    You guys, Inside Higher Ed posted a “Quick Take” on how a bunch of straight MBA dudes are crashing job fairs aimed at LGBT folks. Not only that, apparently they show up and say things along the lines of “there needs to be less focus on gay stuff at this event.” 🙁 🙁 🙁

    1. betsymore +22

      Clearly these events need bouncers. I volunteer if it means I get to take down smug MBA dudes.

    4. highjump +6

      Those people are the worst.

      But hello fellow inside higher ed reader, nice to meet you. Read the story about parking and the nutty comments as a palate cleanser.

    5. Household_Opera +3

      Is it just me or do there seem to be more adult-size babies in the world than there used to, running around throwing screaming temper tantrums when they’re not the center of attention at all times?

      1. laurenipsum +6

        I like to tell myself that this is because things are actually changing maybe a little, and they are feeling more threatened than they used to.

  12. kjschapira +9

    Hey blunderbusst, you don’t have to get into this if you don’t want to, but if you want to, how is your friend the Violinist doing and how are you doing?

    1. blunderbusst +11

      Hey! Thanks for asking. I wasn’t sure of the etiquette re: follow-up, so I’m glad you asked.

      The short version is: not a lot has changed.

      The longer version: Guitarist continues to send cryptic/paranoid/demanding messages to each of us. I have not engaged with him since my initial “Hey, we aren’t playing this show with you.”

      Violinist is feeling weird and strong and has mostly not responded to any of his attempts to contact her. Except last week, when he sent her a message that was like, “I don’t think I’m ok right now” and she replied, “That’s nice, you have friends who can help you, goodbye.”

      Boyfriend was trying to talk to him about getting help but eventually had to cut off contact too, as Guitarist is clearly not interested in help, and the effort of caring and feeling icky was wearing him down.

      We check in with Violinist a few times a week and she seems like she’s focusing elsewhere. She reaches out when she feels weird or when Guitarist tries to contact her.

      Boyfriend and I haven’t had much contact with Drummer as she was out of town for a bit. We are focusing on a new musical project and holding our relationship with her loosely. That feels like it’s for the best.

      The part that is hardest right now is that the situation feels unresolved. Guitarist is still out there, behaving erratically and contacting people who have asked him to stop. Boyfriend and I aren’t sure what, if anything, we’re supposed to do now. Are we supposed to tell people about the situation? How do we deal with all the icky feelings? We have both avoided social events that were important to us because we thought we might see Guitarist there: how do we navigate that?

      Thanks again for asking. Nobody ever told me that the after part was the harder part. We were like goddamn superheroes mid-crisis. Now that we’re mere mortals again, we don’t know how to cope.

      1. kjschapira +8

        Thanks for writing back, I’ve been thinking about you! What you said about the after part being harder — the move from acute to chronic, from “we just have to get through this” to “what if there is no through, but only this”, is a super dispiriting one (and, in fact, there may be a “through” that arises through circumstances or other people’s decisions, but I understand that you’re not seeing it right now).

        All the decisions Violinist is making sound like they’re coming from her sense of what’s best for her and that is great; your backing off / lack of initiating as much contact with her and Drummer, though for different reasons, sounds like a good move for them and for you.

        The social event question is a super fraught one; if it’s a hosted event, I guess you could tell the host your reason for not coming (“Guitarist is behaving erratically and tried to hurt someone else we know, we really don’t want to be in the same place as him”). Icky feelings, yeah, but at least you wouldn’t be the only ones having them?

        For what it’s worth, this internet stranger is full of admiration for how you guys are handling this, backing up each other and the most vulnerable person, being purposeful and being brave.

        1. blunderbusst +2

          Wow, thank you so much. It has been SUPREMELY helpful to have this online community to help guide us. (Boyfriend has even asked “What do you think The Toast would say?” when we are grappling with the newest incident or decision.)

          I’m glad to hear that backing off might be the right move. There was a minute there where I felt like I might be up in Violinist’s shit a little too much, or like I was sharing too much of my reaction to the situation with her. She was already feeling the weight of “everyone is affected by my psycho ex-boyfriend’s awful behavior” and I wanted to relieve that.

          She reaches out to Boyfriend more often than to me (they are closer in age, and they have similar family histories), and that seemed like a good time to loosen up and maybe only send her funny or “just checking in” texts once or twice a week. So far that seems to be good all around.

          Here’s a thing I have been thinking about regarding social situations: Boyfriend, Guitarist, and I are all active (and kinda visible-ish) members of our local music scene. We all work directly with a wonderful all-ages venue here in town. Boyfriend and I have each skipped at least one major event there in the past few weeks in an effort to avoid a confrontation with Guitarist. This got me thinking: do I have some kind of obligation to tell the other “grown ups” behind the scenes at this space about my reasons for being not-around? This is one of those amazing, anti-violence, anti-racism, anti-sexism, anti-homophobia, pro-youth, pro-inclusion, pro-fun places that every kid should have in their town, and I feel like maybe I’m supposed to say something. But what? And… what of the repercussions? I don’t want to advocate any particular stance (like, say, banning Guitarist from the place), but I also feel like An Important Thing happened and that there’s a Greater Good to consider.

          Or, is this just a way I am trying to reconcile my inability to DO anything?

          What do you think?

          Thanks again for being awesome.

          1. RoseCamelia +3

            No need to change your associations or habits. Just necessary to change how you speak about Guitarist. That is, not at all until someone mentions him to you.

            Paraphrasing what kjschapira said above: “Guitarist is behaving erratically and intentionally hurt someone we care about.”

            That’s what you say when someone mentions Guitarist. But you don’t bring it up. This way, you have the high road.

          2. blunderbusst +1

            Oh, I am very fond of the high road. This method will suit me well. Thank you!

      2. Genevievenumba4 +2

        Oh man. I don’t think there is a way to navigate all this that isn’t exhausting and hard, because it just…is exhausting and hard. I wish I had actual advice for you, but the truth is that in somewhat similar or analogous situations I haven’t really had success except by cutting those people out of my life, which often meant avoiding events and reducing contact with others. You guys seem like really good people, and I bet your support has been crucial for Violinist, so, just, I dunno–thanks? That seems weird to say, but there it is. And also I hope Guitarist can get help at some point.

        1. blunderbusst +2

          Thank you (and see above for gushing gratitude for Toasties). And you’re welcome. And your thanks aren’t weird at all — that’s helpful.

          Supporting other people is easy. How we move on and help ourselves and decide if/how/what to do for Guitarist now seems to be the hard part.

          We are pretty much dealing with it by effectively cutting off all contact, which makes me wonder a) is that the right thing b) should we have tried to talk to him and c) if we ever stop being mad long enough to reach out to him, will we have been too late?

          1. RoseCamelia +3

            Every time you feel the need to help Guitarist, give him a web address or a phone number. The same one every time. A local resource where he can begin the process of getting himself some help. You’re right to cut him off. Best to give him that site/number anonymously, if possible. Put it in the postal mail without return address.

          2. blunderbusst +1

            That’s also smart. You’re smart! And kind and helpful. Thank you some more!

          4. Genevievenumba4 +3

            Oy. Yeah, I…yeah. The only thing that’s kind of worked for me in these situations is to start from what my own needs / boundaries might be, rather than what the dangerous person in need of help might need, if that makes any sense? Like, it’s possible that intervention of some kind might help him, in the way that anything’s possible if you’re willing to sacrifice a bunch of shit, and that’s the sort of thing that can haunt me in this situation. But if I start from “ok, what can I realistically do and still be ok with the potential consequences, still be ok living my life, etc” I find it a lot easier to draw those boundaries and stick to them without feeling guilty about it.

            Um. That sounds kind of obvious, I guess? and I don’t mean it to be patronizing at all, it’s just for me it was like one of those major light bulb moments. Not being haunted by what I coulda shoulda woulda done for someone who’s behavior was definitely potentially hurtful to me has been AMAZING and I wish it upon everyone. Especially in those situations (which are most of them?) where the person who very much needs help is like, “fuck your help! but also please help me.”

            I hope this gets easier.

          5. blunderbusst +3

            “Haunted” is EXACTLY the right word. He replied to me shortly after I emailed him (to say, “we aren’t playing that show with you, because of what you did”) and in his reply he said something like, “I thought we were friends, and I thought you were the kind of person who would hear my side of the story before jumping to conclusions.” THAT is the thing that is haunting me.

            That show is tonight, by the way, and I’ve been getting a bunch of tweets and notifications about it (from people who are going and whatnot) and it is seriously giving me barfy feelings. I’m glad you’re here.

          6. Genevievenumba4 +3

            OH MAN. The “I thought you were the kind of person” gambit.

            You know what’s made that so hard to hear for me? That they seem to genuinely believe it. But it’s always been (for me) part of the entitled rationalization process that allowed them to do the fucked up thing in the first place (in addition to whatever else might be going on). Like, yes, there are two sides to every story, and sometimes more than that! But when one side is “I was assaulted / physically restrained” or whatever else, it kind of doesn’t immediately matter what the other side is, because there’s nothing short of imminent harm that can justify getting physical.

            So realizing that the attempt to rationalize or justify is kind of a red flag itself (which you probs already know) made it way easier for me to ignore that kind of thing. Unless Violinist was running out to go throw herself off a building or shoot a bunch of people, Guitarist’s side doesn’t matter much, and that he thinks it does is telling. I don’t know if that helps, but I hope it does. Fwiw, I’ve had to tell a friend who hit their SO that I really couldn’t listen to her justifications and shit, and when she kept saying all that stuff, it made it easier when I realized she was violating my boundaries too.

            It fucking sucks, man, because people are never all-bad, and for me it’s hard to reconcile the parts of them that are good with the shitshow that they’re currently showing me. But if he’s not saying “yeah I crossed lines and I don’t know why and I need help,” probably nothing you can say will change that. If he’s getting passive aggressive and/or defensive, he’s probably not looking for anything other than validation, and validating that shit is just…ugh.

            Anyhow, like I said, I’ve always had a tough time with “how much explanation or intervention is fair,” so I kinda ditched the “fair” thing and went with “how much can I do.” I liked RoseCamelia’s suggestion to just respond with resource lines etc. But that doesn’t necessarily make it feel any better. 

            I’m sorry tonight is gonna be hard. I’m here, though. Email notifications are a wonderful thing. 🙂

          7. blunderbusst +2

            I completely agree: his side doesn’t matter, because he did a thing for which there is no acceptable explanation. And if at any point he’d said, “I did a bad thing and I don’t know why and I need help,” we would’ve rushed to his side the same way we did for Violinist.

            The fact that he doesn’t seem to realize that he crossed a line is so strange to me, because he has always seemed like a pretty decent dude. (You are spot-on with the idea that it’s hard to reconcile a current shitshow with good parts of a person you have known for some time). So I think I feel some responsibility to him to say, “did you not know that you crossed a line and that you need help?”

            And of course, just once, I would like to say, “You’re right, it’s a damn shame that we aren’t talking to you right now. I wish you hadn’t fucked up our friendship with you!”

            But you’re right, and I do know that the attempts to justify is itself a red flag, and… I’m just so heartbroken. This kid was someone we cared about so much, and…just…ugh.

          8. Genevievenumba4 +2

            YES: heartbreaking is an excellent word for it. I don’t know that there’s anything that makes it any easier. With the person I’m going through this with it’s just…yeah. Hard not to feel bad for her and horrified all at the same time, and to some extent when that gets exhausting it almost makes it easier to put it aside for a while and be like “NOPE can’t think about this anymore nope nope nope NOPE.” But still.

            I will say that the last time I deliberately was like, ok, I am gonna have that conversation and explicitly say what was fucked up and why it’s not ok and what my new boundaries are it went horribly. Maybe that was totally predictable, but it was just like putting myself through the grinder one last time. (This was with a parental figure tho, so, you know, extra bullshit.)

            It just actually, objectively sucks. I think it’s good that you’re recognizing that it’s a loss for you guys too, because maybe that helps keep the boundaries clear. I think in the past I’ve made the mistake of feeling sad because of the loss of a relationship that had changed utterly through the actions of someone else and then acting on that sadness as though I was feeling bad for that someone else, which would lead to a whole cycle of bad shit of the “I should help them” variety.

            But you guys seem to be handling your shit. I am so sorry for the heartbreak, though. There’s nothing for that that I know of. So many hugs for you. I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves tonight, doing whatever you need to do, movie, wine, being far away, whatever. 

            Here, more hugs.

          9. blunderbusst +3

            Oh man, I’m sorry about the extra parental bullshit. There are few things more complicated than those relationships, and when those relationships are full of chaos, well… kudos to you for having your head and heart in all the good places.

            Keep trying to be in the world of NOPE but the real world keeps intruding! One thing I did today was to send a private message to a really good friend who tweeted about being excited about the show. I ended up saying something like, “here’s why we aren’t playing, and it’s awful, and ohmigod I can’t believe I didn’t think to reach out to you sooner.” She was a champ, immediately asking if we were all ok and validating our decision asking when we might all see each other next. I can’t believe it hadn’t yet occurred to me that it was not only ok, but important to reach out to OUR friends for support for us! We were so caught up with protecting Violinist’s privacy that we forgot that we have a support system of incredibly cool, kind, smart, discrete people we could turn to for hugs and words. Boy do I feel a little dumb for not having thought of that sooner…

            Damn. That third paragraph up there. I think you just nailed every bad relationship decision ever. “Oh, I’m so sad that you did a bad thing and that now you don’t get to be around me. It must be terrible for you to not have me in your life. I should help you see what you did wrong so you can have me around again.”

          10. Genevievenumba4 +2

            Omg yes. That, and the “but I love them, of course I want to help them,” even though that’s not even remotely how it works. I want to go show early 20s me all of this stuff, but I just would have been a dirtbag about it. I think I only learn by experience/face plant.

            But I’m super glad you guys are getting your own support, because this is some hard stuff. You deserve all the support. Alllll.

          11. blunderbusst +2

            For reals. If I’m not covered in my own blood or on fire and crying, I’m not learning my lesson.

            And thank you. This place here (and you today especially!) are great support!

            BTW, Boyfriend was so flattered to hear that the Open Thread cared. He will sometimes read and lurk the comments, but he knows he is a straight white cisdude and so he does not comment here himself. He has many nice things to say about everyone here, and looked genuinely touched when I told him people were asking after us. So, support for all!

          12. Genevievenumba4 +5

            AW. Speaking for myself, I love white cis het dudes who get it. They are such a relief, and also lovely in their own right, especially when they are understanding about the cathartic kill all men jokes. (Ha…ha. sorry, dudes.)

            I shall carry matches from now on. “Listen, I really need to learn something today, and I need it to stick. So…this is gonna get worse before it gets better.”

          13. blunderbusst +2

            “What are you doing?”

            “Oh, just punching myself so I remember never to do this again.”

          14. laurenipsum +2

            I totally agree with Genevieve — dudes who are not DUDES are great and we should have more of them in the world!

      3. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

        kjschapira, I am so glad you asked because I was curious too, and blunderbusst, I am so glad to hear about it all! Yes, the after in things like that is REALLY hard, isn’t it? I do not have answers but we are all here sympathising and interested.

        1. blunderbusst +2

          SO HARD. But easier with you guys (see above for bonus gratitude). Honestly, I don’t even always need answers. Just having a space to think (type) out loud, to sympathetic, smart, funny people, is enough. *hugs*

  13. littlehuntingcreek +5

    I’m stuck in DC, hanging with political types, and I wish I could be in Oakland instead. But I’ll console myself by swimming and baking a peach pie.

    1. leider_hosen +2

      Come to the DC thing tonight! Policy on 14th St. at 5 or whenever!
      ETA: I realize that is RIGHT NOW. Still at work, whoops.

  14. jimmyjimjimjim +69

    I don’t really have a point to this but: I read man vs word on the awl and for the first time it struck me just how terrifyingly fucking smart Helen Keller must have been. I mean her story is always sort of presented as a human interest inspirational sort of thing ‘the miracle worker’ never as ‘check out this lady who managed to be this fucking clever and this eloquent despite having to learn about the world one letter at a time’

    Its like when you realize that Stephen Hawking not only pushed to boundaries of physics he did it with out being able to use scratch paper.

    Fucking brain the size of a planet she must have had.

    1. lilsebastian01 +16

      Helen Keller was also a badass socialist activist, in case you also didn’t know that (because most people don’t).

  15. blueblazes11 +2

    Considering making a major change in my life. To keep it sufficiently vague, I’ve been intensely involved in an activity/community group for the past 6-10 years. I’ve been a bigtime booster and supporter, I’ve brought new people into the group,I’ve worked really hard to become an “insider” in the club. Many of my friends are people I’ve met through this activity.

    And, for the past several months, I have felt very little interest in participating. I am soul-searching to try to figure out if this is just a phase of dissatisfaction because there have been negative vibes in the group lately, or because I changed jobs and feel like I have less time to give to it, or maybe my relationship with the group really has run its course and I need to move on.

    I’m worried that if I quit I’ll miss it and/or feel socially isolated. But I also know that life is too short to be using your free time on something you don’t love.

    Anyone have advice/life experience to share?

    1. betsymore +6

      Can you take a break or reduce your participation in the group for a period without quitting completely?

      1. blueblazes11 +1

        Thank you for answering! I’ve been testing the waters on that since the beginning of June. It’s ridiculous because I feel left out when I see pictures of what they are doing without me on Facebook. But I also feel relieved to have more time to do other things.

        1. betsymore +2

          Ah, I totally understand the left-out feeling. But it sounds like it’s more about that than about actually missing the group and its activities. Do you ever miss it when you *don’t* have a FB or other reminder of no longer being central to the group?

    2. kjschapira +3

      Some questions that might help (to ask yourself, I mean, though you can answer them here too if you want):

      – Do you have a new thing or things you like to do, even if it’s with fewer (or no) people, lower-key or less frequent?
      – Have you skipped whatever it is once or twice? How did it feel? What did you do in that time and how did THAT feel?
      – Are there people associated with it whom you like and whom you could see in other ways if you quit?
      – You understandably didn’t say what the thing is, but if it has a … mission, I guess, or a spirit that you like, is there anything else you could do in that spirit or aligned with that mission?

      It’s hard to leave anything familiar, and especially something you’re proud of having been involved with, but if it’s no longer giving you what it once gave you, and especially if you think you might be able to get those things from other sources (even if not the same source), then leaving might be the way to go. Good luck!

      1. blueblazes11 +2

        You have given me a ton more to think about. I try to be dispassionate and logical about most choices in my life, but this one feels so icky because participation is essential to the group continuing to exist, obviously.

        PS: This is not a cult. 🙂

  16. robot_dinosaur +23

    I have officially moved to Boston and am still incredibly nervous about Everything, but I did it, and the Toast was such a help in making the decision.

    Seriously though: how do people get groceries in cities without supermarkets? This is bewildering to me; I want Winco so badly :C

    1. betsymore +4

      Welcome! Normally I’d recommend Market Basket, but…well, ongoing strike and all. Where in Boston are you?

    3. shahea +5

      I think there are supermarkets, there must be! I’m not sure where you are, neighbor mine, but local supermarkets you can look up are Market Basket (just not right now…), Stop & Shop, Shaws, Trader Joe’s, Hannaford & Whole Foods. 🙂

      1. dancingcrow +1

        regarding groceries in Boston – Peapod is a branch of Stop and Shop, and you can order groceries online and have them delivered. I lovelovelove it when I scrape together the time to walk the aisles and we Need Stuff Naow!! Just, yanno, if you’re starving and really haven’t located anything yet.

    4. squiffyocelot +2

      Also, Harvest Co-op if you’re in JP or Cambridge (good produce, but the meat section is, uh … scary)

    5. GreenGrasses +5

      Yeah we got some supermarkets! Where are you? Also, go to CVS/Walgreens and buy one of those rolly basket things that old ladies use. They are the beeeeest.

    6. RoseCamelia +3

      When I lived in Philadelphia, I went to a corner store on my route to and from work. I bought only 2 or 3 items at a time. I carried an expandable bag inside my purse at all times. And yes, those rolling wire carts are not just for old ladies. I had one I used when stocking up for a party or some such.

    7. CaroWR +3

      If you don’t live near a grocery store and also don’t have a car, you can try Instacart, which will deliver groceries from Shaws,Harvest Co-Op, Whole Foods or Costco. And usually Market Basket, but I don’t think any Market Baskets currently have any food.

  17. combledore +5

    Can I bring the thread down? I am so tired of being in pain – I have some type of abdominal/pelvic pain issue that’s not diagnosed yet but has been going on for several months now and basically means cramps of varying severity every day. (And may require surgery to definitively diagnose, yay!) I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep under a heating pad. I haven’t been to derby practice for two weeks now, and I keep beating myself up over it.

    Anyway. Thread ruined, sorry.

    1. wallofillusion +4

      I can hardly deal with cramps for two days once a month… “Several months” sounds like hell on earth. I’m really sorry that’s happening to you, and I hope things get figured out soon.

    2. betsymore +8

      You aren’t ruining the thread!! I’m so sorry you’re in such chronic pain. That is awful and draining and debilitating. I hope that they diagnose it and find it to be easily treatable, ASAP.

    3. perianwen +7

      You deserve to be healthy and free of pain. I am wishing you a speedy diagnosis and a treatment that resolves this for you. <3

      1. ct330 +2

        That sounds awful, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I have relatively high pain tolerance (at least tattoo-wise) but cramp pain is exhausting on a completely different level 🙁 Here’s fourthing the wishes for a speedy diagnosis and treatment!

    4. elsamac +3

      Oh, that sounds exhausting and frustrating. Man, chronic pain just sucks the vitality out of everyday life (she said from her precarious perch against a high-density foam cushion). Be doubly kind to yourself until you can get this sorted out.

    5. Genevievenumba4 +4

      Not ruined! Undiagnosed medical issues are the worst fucking thing. I felt so out of control and helpless, because there was no end in sight. One thing that helped me while was in the middle of The Shit and had no idea how long it was going to last was to go all tunnel vision determined on another project. For me it was writing books, but it could have been whatever, I think. I don’t know if it would be a healthy long term coping mechanism, but for me it helped to have a separate goal to focus on while I went through the slow, Kafka-esque process of finding out what was wrong and then getting healthy.

      I wish I had more to offer. All the internet hugs in the world to you

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

      That sounds really awful and I am sorry you feel horrible, but give your fellow Toasties some credit; we are tough women who can move mountains with our brains and hearing about your pain is not going to ruin anything. So vent away!

      Can you take painkillers? Do they help at all?

      1. combledore +2

        The one I can take during the day is basically a big dose of Aleve (and not that helpful) and the other is a narcotic and I don’t take it except before bed. So the answer is “sort of”? And thanks for the sympathy! 🙂

    7. lilsebastian01 +3

      Chronic pain is some real shit. Good luck to you in getting through it and getting to a place that means you can do what you want. I’m not going to tell you how to feel, but derby practice will go on without you and it’s OK to take care of yourself. I have injured myself… three times? four times? in permanent ways because I pushed too hard with a chronic illness. It’s so much better to rest now and get better faster.

    8. perianwen +10

      Side note/PSA: if there are any ladies out there suffering as well, please take your pain seriously and if your doctor is the brush-off “all period pain is normal, suck it up and take painkillers” type, find someone else to assess you if possible. Of course some pain is to be expected but when it is debilitating/interfering with your quality of life, it needs treatment.
      /gets off soapbox

      1. combledore +1

        Yes this! I should’ve gone back earlier – they absolutely took me seriously, but I think I was hoping it’d go away, and here we are.

    9. aqueousmedium +2

      Not at all ruined or brought down! Chronic pain is a super rotten thing to suffer through – especially when the cause is unknown – and I hope diagnosis and resolution can come sooner rather than later.

    10. t_fer +3

      That sucks, comrade. I am in a similar boat and am worried I have pelvic congestion and will need surgery. Baaaah! Just get the sleep you can, take your supplements, and get whatever massage/ TENS treatment etc that you can afford. I am rooting for you.

      1. combledore +1

        Eep! I’m worried about needing surgery as well (for a definitive diagnosis if nothing else). I’m rooting for you too!

    11. RoseCamelia +2

      This is a very appropriate place to bring your pain. We Toasties are here for you, as you can see.

      Do you have confidence in your medical team? Are they taking your pain seriously? If your answers are anything other than Absolutely and Definitely, please call around and make appointments for second opinions. I like to get referrals from the staff at the nearest Planned Parenthood.

      Some Toasties know I follow my own advice. I got the runaround here in Small Town, Texas when I presented with an Incredible Uterine Hulk. I got disgusted and went to Houston where doctors actually listen to women. I am now Hulk-free and so much happier.

      I wish healing for you and relief from pain. ::hugs::

      1. combledore +1

        Small-town Texas solidarity! I had to go to Planned Parenthood in San Antonio a few years back because my local OB/GYN wouldn’t give me an IUD because I’d never had children. Which, hi, is it 1997? Luckily, I am in a much better place (in every way) now. I’m glad your Hulk is gone, and thanks!

        1. RoseCamelia +3

          OMG. Just to get an IUD? A few years ago? I thank the universe for PP and make donations often.

          I had to fast-talk in 1998 in New Goddamn Jersey! to get a tubal ligation with 0 kids. Where is the brave new world our foremothers fought for?

          My sweet little surgeon, with the St. Christopher’s medal around his neck (no kidding): I see you’re requesting a tubal ligation. How many children do you have?

          Me: None and I’m keeping it that way.

          Sweet Little Surgeon looks shocked, then looks at my husband (WTF?), then agrees to perform the surgery.

          My beloved, bless his supportive giant heart, refused to nod or do anything other than gesture to me, to indicate I was in charge. Of my own f-ing body!

          Looking back, I feel sure the surgeon was checking for wedding bands. What if my beloved had not been in the exam room? But I got the damn surgery. Hormonal options were bad for me and IUDs were too dangerous back then.

      2. laurenipsum +2

        It’s you! I remember reading about your surgery before you had it, but couldn’t remember your username. How’d it go? How was recovery?

        1. RoseCamelia +1

          You are so sweet to ask. Now, having sooooo much time, I will give you more detail than you want. Skim at will.

          4-week checkup yesterday. Doc says do not return to work until 8 weeks, not 6 like he had forecast. Nothing to worry about, just taking a little longer for the top of my incision to close. Something to do with healing slower in middle-age and slower when incision is so long and vertical (belly button to … well .. all the way down).

          Doc removed 13 pounds of uterus and Hulk. Not cancer. Hooray! It was crowding my lap and a lung. I am visibly smaller now. My beloved noticed a difference as soon as he saw me in bed after surgery.

          I feel great. But the fatigue! I drove to the post office and had to lie down when I got home. I spend 10 minutes on the treadmill, slowly. Then I must rest before taking a shower.

          I am afraid to go out alone without a careful plan (protein snack, nap, one short errand, quickly home), because the fatigue does not build, but strikes suddenly. I went to Target with my beloved. Got to the back of the store and suddenly felt drained. He got me a cart to lean on and stayed with me as I slowly got back to the door. He fetched the car.

          I have not hurt. Pain has been well-controlled from the moment I awoke after surgery. Yay, Houston hospital and modern drugs! At this point I take only ordinary Advil once or twice a day.

          1. laurenipsum +1

            YAY NOT CANCER and also holy crap 13 lbs. Jesus.

            I am SO glad you are recovering well and are not in pain.

            I assume the fatigue is just because you are still healing?

            Hope your work is ok with you being away for so long.

  18. jld0340 +11

    In lieu of sulking, I wanna share some cool stuff happening in my life! I finally got a car! I got another publishing internship! I am moving into my first apartment in 8 days!

    This is all great! Except the depression is making it difficult to feel all of the excitement I should be feeling, and it’s hard to get my family to understand. Any suggestions or supportive words for a fellow Toastie?

    1. kjschapira +3

      Congratulations on all those big and genuine things! Even if the excitement can’t reach you right now, they have the potential to make your life various and interesting, and hopefully you will get to a spot where you can enjoy them.

      This is going to sound bad, but … sometimes I fake it, depending on who the person is and how much I need them to see me, and how much I trust them to see me. With my partner and three or four close friends, I’m pretty honest, and we’ve all learned that we can count on each other for that (and actually, in my relationship, part of it is about acting like you also would like the other person to act).

      But I’m not always honest with my parents when I’m feeling immovably down, even though I love them and I think they’re great, because A) they also think I’m great and the way they want to help me is by helping me stop the not-feelings or the down-feelings, which is loving but impossible, and 2) it’s not important to me that they recognize and acknowledge this part of me. I think they do recognize it — they just wish it wasn’t the case — but do you know what I mean? Like, I can imagine a situation where I would be like, “I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I FEEL SHITTY AND EMPTY SOMETIMES, OFTEN FOR LONGER THAN YOU OR I WOULD LIKE, BELIEVE ME I DON’T LIKE IT EITHER.” But I don’t find myself in that situation right now.

      So back to you, which is who you actually asked about: what do you want them to understand? What are you hoping for, from their understanding? Is there anyone in your world right now who DOES understand it, preferably without a metric assload of explanation, and could that person maybe be your guide in talking about it? Also, depression sucks, and I wish you luck.

      1. jld0340 +1

        Thanks! Luckily I have a couple friends who also deal with mental illness who’ve been really good about helping me talk to them, it’s just frustrating when they get angry with me for being depressed. We actually had a big fight about it last night unfortunately.

        But after talking about it with them some more hopefully they get it a little more.

    2. betsymore +3

      Yay for you! That is wonderful news. And it’s totally ok if you’re not performing excitement the way other people think you should be. If there are parts of these things that feel satisfying or comforting to you, focus on them, enjoy them if possible, and don’t worry too much about how you “should” be feeling.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      Congratulations! I am sorry you cannot feel excited, that is really rough, but the good things are good even if you do not feel excited about them, and hopefully they will keep being a part of your life so that when the depression lifts you can enjoy them.

      And I stick out my tongue at your family, because it is not their business whether or not you feel excited or show excitement or whatever it is they don’t get about it.

    4. RoseCamelia +2

      Moving is f-ing hard! I’ve done it more than 20 times, in 10 of the 50 United States. I always get depression resulting from a move. I am not minimizing your pain. I just want you to know it’s common. You’re going to be OK. ::hugs::

  19. dorkmuffin +21

    HOW do you ladies manage to keep up with all the comments here? I want to play but I get totally overwhelmmmmeddddd

    1. betsymore +3

      Still trying to figure that out myself. I basically just keep hitting refresh and feeling ok if I don’t read everything.

    2. mbculver +12

      I don’t. I randomly post random comments at whatever random blog article I get to look at during the random 5-10 minute break periods I randomly throw into my crazy work day. I am the definition of a Complete Rando.

        1. deleted2997279 +4

          For regular posts, I use Bittersweet’s method, for open threads, blueblazes11. I try to keep up but also realize I have Things To Do, People (in real life) To See, and if I miss something – so be it.

      1. laurenipsum +6

        Yeah, I read it through chronologically first and then when I come back I sort by last activity. It’s still really hard. I also have a hard time keeping track of who’s who except with a few commenters who really stand out, and the IntenseDebate profile page is more or less useless AND the links directly to comments don’t work in paginated threads.

        Another thing I do is spend a lot of time thinking about how it might be improved and whether I can make any concrete suggestions to our benevolent Toast overlords for a different platform or tool to use.

          2. laurenipsum +2

            Also, over at Metafilter (my other internet clubhouse) we have a chat room as well as the per-post discussions. I wonder if something like that might go over well here, too.

        2. Bryn (Plus Others) +14

          Yes, I do chronological and then last activity, and I miss a ton because life, etc. I was thinking of maybe requesting an evening open thread once in a while, for those of us who cannot be online as much during the day. I think there are some toasties out there who come home from work and put on PJs and get a glass of wine and would then love to Open Thread it up but worry about coming to the party late?

    5. Vera_Knoop +3

      I just dip in and then bounce off the surface again. I figure reading some is better than reading none, right?

    6. RoseCamelia +3

      I support sampling as one’s IRL allows. I like the e-mail alerts that someone has replied to me so I can get back to them. I would hate to be rude.

      But I will say it helps to be on medical leave with nothing to do but sleep and read.

      It also helps to have a job that requires only my presence. Little real work to do. And that is done so much more quickly than my dinosaur coworkers can comprehend because I know how to use software and the Internet.

  20. Olgasrevenge +8

    Has anyone every been in the situation where you feel like your relationship has maybe run its course, but your partner doesn’t feel the same way? How did that work out for you?

    1. lassotabasco +15

      END IT. If you do not, you will come to deeply regret the wasted time spent hanging on.

    2. elsamac +13

      Hey, I was that partner! If you want advice from the other side, I’d say: be honest about how you feel. I remember with visceral, potent sickness the moment that I realized my partner was just running out the clock, waiting for me to give up on us.

      I’m sure he thought he was being kind, but it would have been kinder to be frank with me. It would have saved me a lot of time and second-guessing myself, as well as too many days taken off from work to go to couples counseling.

      1. winterbymorning +1

        I’ll second the advice to be honest and end it quickly if you decide you really do want to end it. I was on the other side of this scenario and I was not at all expecting the breakup. When my ex told me that she had wanted out for months, it really was sickening and upsetting to realize that the entire time I had been so happy and making plans for our future together, she already knew she wanted no part of that future.

    3. ejbaker13 +5

      Oooooof yes, I have, and it’s terrible. I broke up with him, it was brutal. I happened to time it when I was conveniently about to go through another major life change (moving to another country for six months). I had pretty severe feelings of guilt for a couple of months, but it quickly became bearable, mostly because I had a lot of distractions. I also felt very relieved. Ultimately I think if you feel like it’s over, it probably is. Best of luck, that’s a really tough situation :/

    4. draqul +6

      I behaved childishly and badly until she sensibly broke up with me out of self-defence. She was horribly hurt and although the relationship had to end, I regret doing it in such a selfish, cowardly way.

      Looking back though I have no idea what I would have done. We were in such a mess that there’s no way a frank and honest “I’ve moved on” would have worked; we would have stuck together fighting and “giving it one more chance”. Probably until everything was irretrievably damaged.

      As it is, today she’s actually grateful I ruined everything, and we’re best friends. So. Kind of a mixed bag of experiences to report there.

      1. Atalanta_Is +1

        How did becoming friends work out? I am in the process of breaking up, and we’re both on board with thinking this relationship has pretty much gone everywhere it’s going to go, but he’s still one of my favorite people and vice versa; I really don’t want to lose a friendship as well as a relationship.

        1. draqul +9

          Well, at first it was strained and awkward. Then she quite sensibly lost her shit and announced she would never to see me or speak to me again. About four months later she sent a beautiful email asking to resume contact, obviously expecting me to be angry about the whole thing. Happily, I just missed her a lot (we’d been together for seven years), and we fell on each others bosoms and have been best friends ever since. There’s no jealousy, no romantic/sexual tension, and none of the weird pressures of a relationship that drove us to constant fighting.

          I really don’t think this happens for many people though. Everyone always seems shocked and appalled that I’m friends with any of my exes. But I’ve always felt that if you loved, valued and trusted someone so much that you made them an intimate part of your life, then throwing them away just because the romance/sex part is over is kind of weird.

          I don’t know. Life is complicated and difficult and you have to do you. *eats ice cream and watches bad anime in pjyamas for a week*

        2. ach_so +2

          I think the key is having a period of time where you don’t contact each other. Then you can sort of reestablish the relationship as friends, instead of just trying to transition it (which never works, in my experience).

    5. keythah +3

      I advise breaking up honestly before you invent reasons to hate the other person so that you can break up with them, or worse, give them reasons to break up with you.

      I’ve been in your position twice in my life and on the other side of it once and really, that’s the best way for everyone.

    6. RoseCamelia +1

      A friend’s breakup:

      He said: I don’t have feelings for you to the degree that you deserve. I want better for you. you have done nothing wrong. I am sorry, but I will not see you any more.

      She told me it hurt. A lot. But she was never angry with him. I think it was because he made the above statement soon after realizing the situation. They had dated six months.

    7. MoniqueAC +2

      I didn’t end it when I first realized that things were done and I should have.

      Having said that, my ex took it very badly when I did eventually end it, but I don’t think that it would have been any better, and it might have even been worse, if I had done it earlier. It wasn’t anger or anything like that on my ex’s part, it was more a desperation and a ‘don’t leave, I’ll do anything’ kind of thing and a ‘you don’t really mean this, let’s try some more’ — all while I felt awesome, the best I had felt in many years. So, yeah, it was awkward. It’s been over 5 years now and I wouldn’t have even the minimal contact we do if it wasn’t for the kids.

  21. plspassthePinot +6

    Hey English majors / those familiar w German compound adjectives! Last night the only way I could describe my feelings towards another person was “I feel so eye-roll-ly about him”– what is the proper emotion I was trying to evoke? Its slightly less than actively dislike, but dislike stronger than straight neutral. Ideas?

    2. fortunata +8

      Seems like it might be easier to describe how you perceive him, rather than that emotion (which I would probably label as the not-very-specific “mild irritation”)? So, for instance, you might find him tedious or trivial or self-absorbed.

        1. fortunata +1

          Glad to be of service. 😀 (Also, I’m sorry, he sounds terrible. Those qualities are the worst. xp)

    4. leider_hosen +30

      This is not the answer you want, but the answer my linguistics degree and deeply descriptivist soul want to give you: that’s an excellent description of your feelings! You expressed the thing and we understood it. You also did a great job with morphemes, aka you turned eye roll into an adjective. I am not even kidding, I like it a lot!

  22. Audley +1

    Does anyone have suggestions for things to do in Quebec City? I’m going there with my parents later this summer. I speak fairly decent French, but my parents don’t.

    1. winterbymorning +2

      Quebec City is absolutely beautiful, especially in the summer! My husband and I went there for New Year’s a couple years ago and froze our asses off, but it was lovely. We mainly just wandered around the Old Town and tried to keep warm (not a problem you will have) but I also enjoyed the Musée National des Beaux-Arts and the tour of the Citadel. You could also take the ferry to Lévis, or if you’ve got a car, drive to the Montmorency Falls or île d’Orléans (which has pick-your-own berry farms).

    2. RoseCamelia +1

      I enjoyed the funicular. And St-Jean-de-l’Ile-d’Orleans. Have a lovely time.

    3. pamplemoussi +1

      I always enjoyed shopping at Simons! They just have a really interesting mix of stuff. It’s like H&M if H&M also sold brand name stuff?

      Also the Plains of Abraham are quite neat and close to downtown!

  23. ocwut +46

    TRANS REPORT #4.5

    I met with my GP this week to discuss hormones and had the disconcerting thought “I suppose I am just going to have to get used to justifying my decisions about my body to male doctors.” 🙁 All in all, he was supportive, but talked about things that “he liked to see” as people transitioned, which means that people do gender stereotyped things. SIGH Not in the Standards of Care, Doc!
    I have a lead on a trans* friendly endocrinologist in Nearby City, so I may just get a referral.

    In other news, I am going to start laser hair removal soon, which I am super pumped about. Shaving my face has always been an ordeal emotionally and it is exciting to think that I may never have to do it ever again ever. And thank goodness for people who have gone before you in a process – I nearly paid $460 dollars a treatment for intense pulsed light hair removal when there is another provider nearby who does actual laser hair removal for around $100 a treatment. So, thanks to the recommendation of a lovely friend of mine, I am going to save a little over $2,000! I can barely even imagine that much money.

    I guess that’s it for now, Toasties! I am going to have Important Conversations with my parents this weekend, but all in all I have never felt more centered in my entire life. I actually tapered off of my antidepressants recently and still feel great! I owe this community so much in such a short time span. 🙂 Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    1. GreenGrasses +3

      Great to hear that you’re taking some huge steps forward! I just wanted to write that laser hair removal doesn’t always work on everyone, so make sure you get a consultation first before you spend a boatload o’ cash!

      1. ocwut +3

        Totally! I learned my lesson with the first place I went to – it was great, had great reviews, but HOLY WOW is that expensive!
        The recommendation I got for the new place is from a friend with a very similar skin tone and hair color to my own, and her experience was really good. And I currently just have a free consultation set up, so there’s that too.

        This is a long reply just to say that you are absolutely correct. 🙂

    2. dorkmuffin +3

      I dunno what your shoe size is, but Long Tall Sally has some good shoes in extended sizes! My baby sister is a 12, and I have a lady friend (trans) who is a 13W. Both have been pleased with the selection (but not yet actually purchased anything, so take my advice with a grain of salt).

      1. ocwut +2

        Thank you! I’ll check that out.
        (Also, I am an eight or a nine in men’s, so that’s a ten to eleven in women’s – is that huge? I’ve always been told that I have small feet for a guy, but I’ve never actually thought about buying women’s shoes. I just wear Converse everywhere. 🙂 )

        1. alicia +4

          Size 11 is usually the largest standard size (sometimes 10 for smaller brands), but stores typically have a small inventory of them. I’ve heard that they order more of the middle sizes and usually only get one pair per shipment of the largest size, so ordering online is often easiest.

        2. elsamac +4

          Size 11 high five! I’m an eleven and I have only moderate trouble finding shoes, though it is typically the largest size retail shops will order. [eta: by “order,” I meant “order for regular stock; have on hand.” I’ve certainly known shops who will special-order any size you need when available.] I do most of my shoe-shopping online for exactly the reasons alicia describes.

        3. MilesofMountain +2

          I usually buy men’s workboots because they’re so much cheaper than women’s, and I find I wear a men’s 8 or 9, and I’m a 9.5 or 10 in women’s. Those sizes are carried in pretty much any women’s shoe stores, and I’ve only been told that they didn’t carry my size at one store (and fuck Gravity Pope, because they DO carry size 10). My feet are also wide, which is a far bigger problem than finding the right size.

        4. Beakses +1

          I pretty much wear a women’s 10 and don’t have any trouble finding shoes, generally. Clarks run about half a size big on me, so they might be a pretty good fit for you in a 10 (plus they are actually comfortable)

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      We are delighted to hear about all of this, and keep wishing you the best of luck as you continue on!

    4. grumblyqueer +5

      I can’t find a happy reaction image that doesn’t involve drag queens, so yay for you! The whole medical perceptions of gender thing really gets a body down; my parents and I used to have five-minute glare conversations about what to record my sex as when presented with medical forms.

    6. Momthra +2

      Depending on your coloring, maybe check out the Tria home IPL device? This is just generic hair-removal advice but a friend (lighter skin, dark hair) got one and she’s practically bald now – it’s addictive!

      1. ocwut +2

        Hmm… facial hair on men is notoriously difficult to permanently remove. It is incredibly likely that I’ll need to follow up with electrolysis for my face. However, that may work really well for body hair removal! I’ll check it out. 🙂

    7. RoseCamelia +1

      I know an electrologist. Half of her clients are trans* women who first had laser hair removal. As you know, laser costs less than electrolysis. So they get lasered, then go to her to finish the job. She gets at the more stubborn follicles.

      I am very happy for you. You seem so happy. And I support your attitude. Go get a doc who suits you; don’t put up with substandard medical attitudes.

  24. Echolocation +1

    I can’t go to our satellite party because I have to work! Also, for the 80th time this year I have pulled a muscle in my neck sleeping, and everything hurts. BAH

  25. turanga_leela +13

    Because we are going to a fancy pants restaurant tonight I used a gift card and got my hair blown dried/styled. I now have “sexy beach curls”. The place was great fun but they have what my husband and I think is the worst domain name: blomedry.com.

    Cheers to everyone who can’t get to the party (and everyone at the party, too). I raise a glass tonight in honor of you all and what a great place this is.

    1. Genevievenumba4 +2

      Or the BEST DOMAIN NAME.

      Wait, no. It’s the worst. But it’s a close call for me.

      I’m actually surprised it wasn’t already taken. And amused if it was and they shelled out to buy it.

          1. TLO +15

            alternately, a combo frozen yogurt shop/liquor store called Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

          2. elsamac +10

            I was thinking Bottle of Rum could be the smoothie cocktail bar at the back of the yoga studio… which leads back through a corridor to the comedy bar Dead Man’s Jest.

          3. elsamac +13

            And beyond that is a pizza joint, Pizzas of Eight

            because they ‘re cut in 8 pieces, gettit?

          4. turanga_leela +4

            I worked at a place called Little Pizza Heaven one summer. And thank you for all the puns. I love them.

  26. TLO +12

    DC Toasties, have a wonderful time tonight! I wish I could join you, but it’s my birthday and I already made a date with a plate of tacos. (Coincidentally at the taqueria around the corner from Policy–I will give a misandrist salute in everyone’s direction.)

  27. Audley +6

    It took me a really long time to figure out what was going on with that domain name. At first I read it as Blomedry (prononced Blahm-dree) which sounds like it could be the name of a quaint little town somewhere.

  28. kilks401 +14

    So happy my library program went well. The thing I was most nervous about starting my job as a youth services librarian was programming and making them fun and informative and today’s worked! Catapults made out of straws/ sticks and marshmallows are a lot of fun!

  29. perianwen +2

    Doubling up just for today, I promise! Vancouver Toasties, come meet us tonight at Storm Crow on the Drive after 4:30. I will have a little Toast logo on the table so you can find us & partake of a geeky drink.

    1. robotneedslove +4

      Ermergerd. That is 4 blocks from my house and yoga is cancelled because rain. I guess I HAVE TO.

      1. perianwen +2

        YES YES YES YES YES I was hoping you would check in! I will be in a striped navy/white top & have glasses & almost shoulder-length hair. The other lady has long dark red hair. I think she’s grabbing a table for us.

          1. perianwen +2

            Sorry we missed you, we were gone at about 7 so hopefully you didn’t show up to find we’d vanished. We’ll figure something out another time!

  30. GreenGrasses +3

    I sadly cannot go to the Boston area meetup tonight 🙁

    BUT BUT BUT I have been listening to an audiobook about Elizabeth I all day at work today and I am extremely inspired and convinced that she and I are the same person. We even have the same birthday, so clearly we share a deep and personal connection across the years.

      1. GreenGrasses +2

        Elizabeth I by Allison Weir. It’s really good! Also I’m listening to it via Audible and the lady narrating has the greatest British accent in the world.

  31. wallofillusion +30

    I’m in Oakland right now! …Oakland, Pittsburgh, that is.

    So instead of going to a Toast Party I am going to a prayer service tonight at the REALLY INCREDIBLE CHURCH I’ve been going to lately. Can I gush for a bit? I’m going to!! Basically everything that I’ve seen in online feminist Christian spaces that has made me think that (a) okay maybe SOME Christians have it right but (b) apparently these aren’t things you say out loud in brick-and-mortar buildings… THIS CHURCH DOES THOSE THINGS. Gender-neutral pronouns for God, calling out the. Bible. itself. for ignoring women’s voices, ACTUALLY CELEBRATING the recent Presbyterian marriage equality vote rather than saying “It’s a contentious subject with a lot of varied opinions on it but as a denomination we will get through it with our unity in Christ”.

    My previous church was so proud of its moderateness and I thought that was the best I could ever hope for in a physical church building/community. This… this is rejuvenating.

    1. deleted2997279 +4

      I never know there was an Oakland, Pittsburgh, but now I want to go there.

      1. deleted9457019 +4

        It is full of students with U Pitt, if that’s your thing. And there’s the Tower of Learning, which I like to look at.

    2. ocwut +3

      That sounds wonderful! I’ve found a good place in the Episcopal church but I really like everything you just typed, especially the idea of using gender-neutral pronouns for God.

  32. ct330 +20

    I got an IUD placed yesterday and I am having cramps out the wazoo. BUT a coworker decided to be my hero and is closing out for me so that I can leave at 5:30 instead of 8, and huddle in a little mewling ball of pain and watch Scandal.

    In other news: Making out? Really good for (temporarily, but hella effectively) relieving cramps. This I learned in the wee hours of the night, when my dude coaxed me out of a woebegotten child’s pose to kiss me til I felt better. Endorphins? Dopamine? Magic?

  33. leider_hosen +3

    I’m going to be moving into my friend’s group house at the beginning of August!!!!!!! I found out last night, decided fully this morning, am v. v. excited and also in a giant tizzy about the logistics of moving (UGHHHHHHHH).

    Also, relatedly, how would you recommend Ikea beds? It’s time for a new bed, for real. Cheap-ish but solid enough?

    1. GreenGrasses +1

      Yes! We got one that is quite solid and close to the ground, and I love it and our Sultana mattress.

      1. leider_hosen +2

        Excellent, glad to hear that! Sometimes Ikea furniture gets…wiggly. Or maybe my friends aren’t great at assembling it. 🙂

    2. elsajeni +1

      I have an Ikea bed and it’s great! I would advise you to spring for the more expensive slats, though — the curved, sproingy ones. They’re much more comfortable. Oh, and do not dismiss the “2 people” indication on the assembly instructions.

      1. deleted2997279 +3

        Oh man I’ve had the exact opposite experience!! The curved ones were so bad, I brought them back to the store and the customer service person wouldn’t give me my money back (they were opened, obviously, otherwise how would I know) until a manager came by and “Oh, no, those are awful, we always take them back if the customer comes in.”

        Get a better mattress + the cheap slats!

    3. robotneedslove +1

      I bought a very cheap Ikea box spring, some legs, and one of those roll-up mattresses, and was and am very happy with the whole thing.

    4. plspassthePinot +4

      They’re fine for a temp fix and a lot of them look great! buuuuuuuut… one has broken on me during ::ahem:: nocturnal activities

    5. deleted7410012 +2

      i bought the cheapest ikea bed (a solid pine deal) and heads up:
      1. the fancy “curved” slats would NOT stay put, and always fell through on one side. the flat slats were just fine.
      2. about 4 years down the road, the solid pine midbeam split in half, and it was not even during sexytime.

      then i bought the second cheapest ikea bed (a steel frame) and so far it’s been a-ok. i can reuse the flat slats from my last bed, and if i manage to split a steel midbeam, i’ll be mightily impressed with myself.

    6. RoseCamelia +1

      Ikea slats and the men I am attracted to do not mix well. I like the John Wayne physical type. My lovers break Idea beds, if not horses.

    7. highjump +1

      In the non-ikea category I recommend West Elm. They have a simple bed frame that is very sturdy and things frequently go on sale there. I have a West Elm bed frame, my ex-girlfriend had a West Elm bedframe, my bff who happens to be a dude who sleeps with other dudes, has a West Elm bedframe. No complaints, no breakages.

    8. ach_so +1

      I have the cheapest metal Ikea bed, and it is awesome! Way better than I would have expected. I was brokety-broke when I bought it, so I didn’t have a choice, but I’m so glad it’s what I have. It is totally quiet during sex.

  34. deleted2997279 +12

    Toast Postcard People! I am beginning to send out matches! I’m sending them in batches of 30 or so over my lunch break during the next couple of days so keep an eye out. If you get your matches and you want more OR if you didn’t get a chance to sign up during the first go-round, send me an email (eberry227 at gmail) – I have plans to do another match in mid-August.

      1. deleted2997279 +2

        A Toastie postcard swap! (if that link doesn’t take you to the comment, search for my comment on the first page of last Friday’s open thread)

        I closed the survey earlier this week, but I’ll open it up again in a couple weeks and make more matches, if you want to participate!

    3. laylapalooza +1

      I got mine and am SO EXCITED FOR SERIOUS. I have like a hundred postcards I can send. Thanks for doing this!

  35. lassotabasco +1

    What should I do to study for the GRE and how far out should I schedule it?

    Background info: out of college for two years, have always sucked at math, excellent verbal and written skills.

    Any advice would be much appreciated!

    1. betsymore +7

      To answer your actual question: if you want to go to grad school in the humanities, the math part is unimportant. Get a GRE book, practice for a few months, take the exam.

      To answer the question you didn’t ask:

      DON’T GET A PHD IN THE HUMANITIES (unless you’re totally ok with NOT finding a traditional tenure-track professor job at the end.)

      /woman with a history PhD from an Ivy who, after 3 years on the market, is starting to look into non-academic alternatives. I have publications and super-star recommenders and teaching awards and a “hot” dissertation topic. In other words, I did everything “right.” Now I’m 34 and feel like I’m starting from scratch as if I were a decade younger.

      That is what I tell all my beloved students who are super smart and kind and would make wonderful professors, if there were actually professor jobs anymore. Every job I’ve ever applied for has received between 200 and 600 (yes, 600) applicants. No matter how qualified you are, the odds are not in your favor.

      1. Upsidedown_Cake +2

        THIS. So very much this.

        A PhD in the humanities is probably not going to pay off in dollars and cents with a tenure track job at the end. (I have a front row seat on the soul crushing festival of horror that is the academic job market in the person of my boyfriend who other than being somewhat older and male is more or less in betsaroo’s position. The school where he is an adjunct pays its grad students more than it pays its adjuncts.)

        On the other hand, while the job market sucks in academia, it doesn’t actually suck a whole lot less anywhere else. If you can stay out of debt, and are open to doing things that aren’t academia at the end of it… go for it. But definitely don’t go into debt for an advanced degree in the humanities.

        (I would not trade my brainy, over educated man for the world, but the years’ long job search is incredibly painful for him.)

        1. betsymore +2

          I agree. I think that part of what makes it hard (and I hope this might be slowly changing, if only at a glacial pace), is that the program itself tends to train you to believe T-T jobs are the *only* kind worth having, and anything else somehow constitutes at best being a runner-up in some kind of race and at worst outright failure. I’ve only just started shaking this programming off when it comes to myself, though I never believed ti about anyone else.

          But, my hope is that senior faculty are starting to realize the job market isn’t what it was in their day. and that grad students will come in understanding that too, at least if their undergrad professors didn’t tell them any lies, and that the culture will change. (And also maybe there will be ponies for everyone. But hey, a girl can dream, right?)

      2. Tenya

        Ugh ugh, sympathies!
        even worse is my husband’s situation: he failed his history PhD comps and has been in adjunct-land for four years and doesn’t think he ever wants to try for a PhD anywhere ever again but loves teaching but is already tens of thousands in debt from his first academic foray (and he was funded! except not for undergrad and special thing abroad and those small things that add up) but what else is he going to do with his masters?
        He doesn’t want to teach high school and most of the schools around us are on hiring freezes anyway, colleges won’t hire you to adjunct and do clerical or advisory work because that might add up to full-time and the whole point from the school’s perspective was to get away with not paying benefits, even community colleges that may have positions for masters-prepared faculty have those 200-600 PhDs applying – soooo ugh. If you do go for a PhD in the humanities, which you probably shouldn’t anyway, especially don’t fail your comps.

        1. betsymore +3

          Ugh ugh ugh ugh that’s so hard. My husband dropped out for personal reasons as a 6th-year ABD. It was awful, awful, awful. Eventually he found a position that suited him better and he’s so much happier now. I wish that for your husband too. I will say that it helped SO MUCH getting OUT of academia almost completely – that way he’s no longer surrounded by people going “oh, you didn’t finish your Phd?” Instead, he’s surrounded by people who either don’t give a fuck what your education was, or who are like, “Oh, you have a Masters from XX University? Cool!” There are a lot of ways to be a teacher/mentor in this world, and they don’t all have to be through formal educational systems. I hope your husband can find one of them and find peace. I KNOW how hard it is, and I know how hard it is for YOU as his emotional caregiver. Take care of yourself, too.

      3. laylapalooza +1

        Ugh. This times a million.

        (Can I also ask what non-academic alternatives you’re looking into? I went on the market last year with no success, and ugh.)

        1. betsymore +1

          I’m only just starting to figure it out. I was actually going to try to start a thread about it on the Friday cocktail thread. Options I’m going to start asking around about include higher ed admin (I know, I know), public policy (my dream alternative, but since I don’t have any quant training I don’t know whether anyone will want me, though my expertise is in a topic of considerable current interest), *possibly* teaching in a private prep school though I have serious reservations about that, and…other. I’m going to start asking everyone I meet about what it is they do and how they ended up doing it.

    2. ocwut +3

      If you are short on cash, definitely check out your library (public or academic) to see what study guides and prep books they have. I went through quite a few of those in my prep and I think they are generally useful. If you have a bit of money, some people find doing an actual prep course to be useful as well. I’m not sure how cost effective it is, but that is an option.
      As for scheduling, I actually had a prep book that went into how one should schedule study prep – I have since forgotten what the recommendations were. 😛
      So, main advice: go check out your local library. 🙂

      And good luck! You’ll do great. 🙂

    3. depizan +1

      I would say it depends on what the highest math you took and how long ago it was. I never had anything above Algebra II, was never very good with algebra stuff and it had been 12 years since taking any math at all….so when I took the GRE, my math score was so low that it really hurt my overall score. It runs about $300 for one course, but Kaplan does online GRE classes, including a separate math class, and that helped me when I started gearing up to retake it this year (but I lucked out big time and the university I was applying for did away with their GRE requirement since I had applied the first time, so I didn’t have to retake it after all).

    4. Beakses +1

      I did zero things to prep for the GRE and things mostly turned out okay (<—not good advice. I test well and probably counted on that too much). I probably should have prepped more for the math section so that I didn’t forget the power rule (see: also out of college for two years, had not taken formal math since high school). If you typically have tested well in the verbal sections in the past, I see no reason to really prep for it now. Do a practice exam, see how it goes. The GRE is just a baseline weedout for almost all programs anywhere- if you can find out what the minimum threshold scores are typically for the programs you’re applying to, shoot for those and don’t worry too much. Basically every other portion of your application is a zillion times more important.

      Also, all the engineers basically have to get perfect 800s in the math section to get into their programs, so your percentile in math is going to suck pretty much no matter what compared to your SATs or whatever.

    5. carmencicero +2

      First off: if you buy a book, it should be the purple GRE book by ETS, the people who make the test.

      To do the studying (as in drilling myself on questions), I used magoosh.com. You do have to pay for it – $99 for six months, but I think there’s a free week long trial. Magoosh was awesome. There were 1000 practice questions (500 for verbal, 500 for math) broken down by topic in fun pie charts, and video explanations of concepts (fractions, percents, algebra, etc). They also had some study schedules on their blog that I used over the course of a summer to organize my studying. In the end, I came out with the scores I wanted after my first try. I totally recommend it.

    6. ach_so +1

      I had a friend tutor me in math (just twice, for about an hour each time). Because I was imposing on him, I did questions in my workbook, then limited our tutoring to asking him to explain questions I didn’t understand. Do you have a friend who’s good at math?

  36. stephanieho +1

    Hey toasties, what are you listening to right now that you LOVE?

    I just somehow found this old Usher remix and it’s basically the best thing for summer parties: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg5BdG1xI2s

    P.S. I’m choosing to not sulk because it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL here in Chicago and I’m going to go ride my bike around.

    2. Olgasrevenge +3

      Hello fellow Chicagoan 🙂

      I am currently listening to Phox, whose album was recently on NPR first listens, and getting my nostalgia fix through old Nickel Creek albums. I am also listening to Mountain Man and Lily and Madeleine a lot on YouTube at work.

    3. fortunata +1

      Veinna Teng! (In particular, the album “Aims”: viennateng.band camp.com/album/aims). She’s a bit difficult to classify, but very pretty. Also her lyrics are super thoughtful, with the most delightful, surprising sharp bits.

  37. robotneedslove +11

    My beloved and I are going to wedding #6 of the year this weekend, and man, it’s just making me WANT TO GET MARRIED. I want to have a big party! I want all the attention! Of course, of course, I want to nail my hot piece of ass down for life, I want that too. But man, the PARTY.

    The thought of paying for one is making me want to elope, however.

    1. pamplemoussi +2

      The paying for it part is why my fiance and I are only having 30 people at our wedding in November. It’s totally going to be all (slash most) of those things but not cost us all our money!

  38. celtadri +6

    Is it weird to self-promote here? I just wanted to let Toasties know that I updated the store for my webcomic, so you can indeed get ODD ANIMAL TOTE BAGS http://society6.com/celtadri/bags

    (It’s not a comprehensive collection bc it takes a stupidly long time to format images to make tees. But if you have any specific requests, hit me up.)

    The whole store is here: http://society6.com/celtadri

    I make very, very little money on these, but I like thinking about people out in the world, sporting Paul Stanley Eagle tshirts.

    2. msjinxie +3

      Self-promotion of awesome Toasties-produced stuff seems TOTALLY appropriate! Also those bags are GREAT.

      1. celtadri +2

        Hooray! I was serious about requests – if there was a comic you liked that I haven’t turned into a bag, let me know!

  39. betsymurgatroyd +15

    I just want to report that I did go to the Lavender Festival in Sequim, WA last Sunday and that I had White Chocolate Lavender ice cream and it was perfection. I wish I could describe it more accurately than, light and flowery because it was so much more. It had just the right mixture of white chocolate mini chunks and it wasn’t overpowered by the lavender (which is what usually happens). I also tried my friends Lemon Lavender Sherbet and it wasn’t anything like Sherbet! It was creamy like it was full of dairy but didn’t have any at all. It’s magic!
    If you get a chance to go to this festival in the future and you can handle the overwhelming scent of lavender everywhere then you should definitely go.

    2. Atalanta_Is +1

      So jealous! I somehow found out about the lavender festival after I moved away from Seattle, so I have never been — once I move back to the west coast, though, I’m going to make it happen.

  40. embryoconcepts +6

    I’m so lucky the beau understands what I mean when I say “release the kraken!”

    1. britomartian +4

      I’m trying to think of things that might mean other than “pull down your pants,” and failing.

  41. MilesofMountain +8

    I got a new job! It’s an exciting one for an NGO I’m really into but it still pays way more than my old corporate one. I start in a week!

    Related, has anyone had good/bad experiences carpooling with coworkers? I live a 40 minute drive from my new office, but about 5 minutes from one of the more senior guys who gets to use the company car for his commute. He’s offered to carpool, which would be great for saving on gas, but I’m kind of worried that it might turn out horrible and awkward or turn into adding an extra 1.5 hours of unpaid work to my day.

    1. embryoconcepts +4

      It’s sounds like a great opportunity to start a good work relationship to a higher-up. If it starts not to work out, you can always find a reason that you need to start driving in on you own.

      1. bibliobotic +2

        Yeah, you can always “start going to the gym after work” or something if it’s not going well.

    2. paperbgprincess +2

      Maybe start with only a short/small commitment, like for the first two weeks, or only one or two days a week, to see how it works? And if it ends up being weird or awkward, there are tons of excuses you can use. Like, you want to listen to an audiobook/the newspaper (did you know someone will read the NY times every day and it’s on audible.com?), or you want the time for thinking, or you found another friend to carpool with.

  42. Dany +14

    Oh good, I have been in desperate need of an open thread since Saturday.

    Toasties, I need your advice. My FWB and I had a talk on Saturday about how I’m not so interested in the benefits part at the moment due to low sex drive, but that the friends part is still cool. He assured me that this was totally fine, he appreciates my friendship more than anything, etc etc. Great.

    BUT THEN. He started feeling me up, after I said I was tired and wanted to go home, and he just got gross and pushy about it. Like, I said no but he kept trying, and then he was all “But you like that!” and when I even stood up to leave, he grabbed me and pulled me back to him. At which point he finally let me go, but not without the final request of “Can I touch your breasts?” Barf.

    He’s awful and I should never see him again, yes? Am I nuts? I feel so creeped out by this incident.

    1. donkeywork +21

      I was going to say, “He crossed a line,” but then he kept crossing MORE lines, and MORE, and now I’m both sad and angry because this is your friend, but I think you should put him in the garbage disposal and run a lot of hot water over him. That’s appalling, and I’m sorry it happened to you.

      1. Dany +5

        Thanks for that. I am sad too because he was a nice friend, but why did he have to ruin it like that? And right after a conversation about how I don’t want to have sex? Also, he knows I’ve had some other similar negative experiences like that, so I don’t get AT ALL why he did it. It’s a bummer.

    2. kilks401 +13

      yeah, if you don’t want to see him again, trust your instincts!. Clearly he doesn’t understand how to listen and respect your boundaries.

      1. Dany +5

        I get the creeps every time I think about him and that incident, so yep, time to cut it off and avoid.
        Thanks!

      1. Dany +6

        Thanks. He must have said “But you like that!” three times, and I just couldn’t believe that awful line kept coming out of his mouth. Gross! Why would you protest a no like that? Ugh.

    4. jackalopeia +10

      Nnnnnnope that is WAY FUCKING CREEPY. He is awful, you are right about everything. I’m sorry that someone you consider a friend decided to be such a gross garbage person to you. <3

    5. J... +5

      You’re not nuts at all, that’s such horrible, inconsiderate, boundary pushing behavior on his part. Ugh.

      (and I think if you ever feel creeped out, that’s all the justification you ever need to cut off contact with someone)

    6. blunderbusst +9

      You are definitely not nuts. You’re having a normal reaction to a fucked-up situation (a situation that is in no way your fault, by the way).

      And if you never want to see him again, I support you in that. That sounds like a very healthy and pro-you decision.

    7. Dany +10

      Toasties are the best. I feel much better after reading your replies and knowing I’m not overreacting. Thank you!

      1. clairebm +4

        you are definitely not overreacting, that was massively creepy behaviour, I’m so sorry he did that!

    8. jennifermelchert +9

      Reeeeally sorry this happened to you! You are not nuts, that’s assault, not ever seeing him again is completely reasonable.

    9. laylapalooza +6

      To add to the chorus of voices: you’re not overreacting. This person is awful. You established boundaries and he crossed them again and again and again.

    10. bibliobotic +1

      He’s awful and you should never see him again, and also I’m sorry this happened 🙁

    1. SSVerity +2

      I was really hoping that the fox was on the bus as it went along its route, like those dogs that ride the trains in Russia (?I think it is Russia?).

      1. aqueousmedium +3

        Or like that cat in the UK who used to ride the bus a few stops every day! I’m a suckered for animals taking over human stuff for their own use.

    2. MoniqueAC +2

      I was very happy they didn’t call the Ottawa police, as they have a tendency to just shoot wildlife (moose, elk) that wander into town, whether they’re a problem or not.

  44. majorgeneralmaybellelamplighter +1

    Are any of you in or near Madison, WI? Because I feel like we could be bosom friends.

    1. primordialtoothpaste

      I think there are a couple of us! How does one go from fellow (occasional, in my case) commenters on this delightful site to bosom friends?

  45. laurenipsum +45

    At the risk of being That Girl With The Pigs, a crappy iphone picture of a GIANT PUDDLE of piglets:

    1. laurenipsum +11

      Also, these adorable little fuckers are the main reason I can’t go to the Seattle meetup. There are just so many of them and they keep coming. I have another sow that I expect to give birth tonight or early tomorrow.

      (The man pig [of course] got into a pen with ten nubile young lady pigs. Now they are all having babies all at the same time, who could have seen this coming.)

  46. MuseKray +3

    So by next spring, I hope to move to a new city and I’m going there whether I have a job lined up or not. That said, I do want to apply to as many jobs as I can. Does anyone have experience on applying to jobs in different cities?

    1. Beakses +3

      I do! My experience: If you are not in an industry where the company is willing to pay for you to fly out for interviews (so, most of them :P), it is very, very, very helpful to say “I am moving to your city on X date.” If you have the ability to fly out to interview, you can offer a date range when you will be in their city before then. I have also flown out for one interview on my own dime, followed up with some other companies I had contacted offering times around that interview and landed additional interviews for that trip. This once manifested as setting up an appointment while I was waiting to take off, landing and driving immediately to the interview I had just scheduled hours before. Got that job, didn’t get the one I had originally flown out to interview for in the first place. You never know.

      Oh, and sometimes you just move and find a job when you get there (my last move- I had long distance interviews before the move, none of which panned out, but job hunting once I was in town was much easier).

      If you name a field and a city you might be able to mobilize the Toastie network, too.

      1. MuseKray +1

        Awesome! That’s encouraging to hear.
        Seattle is where I’m moving to and I currently live in Reno so interviews can be doable.
        While I’m not graphic designer, I’m currently in a job where I use Illustrator a lot and I have some slight background in information organization/library type stuff.

  47. mooneshine +4

    I have an interview tomorrow!! If anyone is still here, what are some tips or tell me about an interview that went really well (despite you maybe not feeling prepared?)!!

    2. Beakses +2

      Posted the short version of the story above. I was flying to a city to interview, and got a call from another company offering to set up an interview while I was in the airport waiting for my departure. The only time they had available was the afternoon that I landed, so I landed and drove straight to their office, thankful that my overplanning meant that I was at least wearing business casual clothing. Interview went well in spite of the minimal notice and I got the job! Also, I loved working there- gained tons of experience and had a lot of support with my professional development.

      Good luck! I find Ask A Manager’s interview guide calming if you want to feel a bit more prepared.

    3. jenavira +7

      I have NEVER YET felt prepared for an interview but I have gotten more than one job so apparently it’s possible to ace an interview anyway. I focus on 1) telling stories – plain, boring answers are no good, you want your answers to be tiny stories (seriously tiny, like two minutes at the most) with a tiny plot climax and everything. This makes you sound interesting. (Which you totally are, of course, but it’s hard to get that across in an interview setting.) 2) Eye contact. Don’t stare. But if you make eye contact at the beginning and end of your sentences, you can stare at the corners of the room when you talk, and you still look like an intelligent human being. (Which you also are, but see above re: interview settings.)

      Good luck!

    4. Power_Lloyd +2

      Congratulations and good luck! Without knowing what type of interview (arc-welder?), but as someone who recently selected and interviewed multiple candidates:

      Meet your interviewer(s) about 10 minutes before your scheduled time. Don’t bring coffee in, do sit up straight, make eye-contact as noted above, etc. Try to relax. Be professional and personable but not garrulous, i.e. be concise in your replies, but not withholding.

      If you can, try to prepare for “behavioral” answers and not “situational” answers, as these are becoming the norm — more “tell me/us about a time when ____” [experienced conflict; felt proud of a task; worked outside your parameters; etc.] than “what would you do in ____ situation,” as the latter is an ideal but the former is practical and you don’t have to make something up. Let’s say you have the “conflict” question, or “competing priorities,” or just anything that is you talking about your actual work. See if you can tell a brief narrative that includes what the situation was, what you did to solve it, and what the result was. Savvy interviewers are listening for not only your answers but how you answered: speaking skills, etc.

      Be sure to review the job description/posting so you can speak to what would definitely be a strength from your skill history, and, if prompted, what you might need guidance on.

      Later that day or early the next: SEND A FOLLOW-UP THANK YOU NOTE. This gives you 5 gold stars towards next round that other applicants might not get. Beyond thanking each person individually, if you can touch on even one thing in the interview: the interviewer’s role as it relates to the position, a weakness that you could develop, a strength you could bring, etc., this will be impressive.

      I hope this helps, and own it. OWWWWWWWWWN it.

  48. MameDC +11

    I just…you guys. I know it’s because I have the Bleeding Crazies right now, and in a day or so everything will right itself and I will stop feeling like I can’t do anything but curl up and hate everything. BUT RIGHT NOW THAT IS ALL I CAN DO. Curl up and hate everything. And watch Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries and lust after her clothes.

    1. donkeywork +5

      BC solidarity–I was up no less than six times last night changing my rig, and today I feel like a pile of garbage. Also, I really dislike eating meat, but if a cow came within ten feet of me today I would launch myself at it and eat it raw. Curled up right there with you.

    2. viviennestreet +2

      This will be me in a couple days. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries are the best. (I want to be her for Halloween but suspect I don’t have the costuming skills). 🙁

  49. grumblyqueer +5

    School extracurriculars have started up Spirit Week, and I’ve been officially declared the biggest nerd in my band. The sad thing is that my costume was just an accumulation of my “This Person Is Actually Queer” stuff.

  50. donkeywork +2

    Once again, Happy Anniversary, Toast! I would be there if it didn’t mean trailing blood the entire way and thus risking attack by vampire yorkies. Is anyone watching “Under the Dome”? I’m really late to it and have only seen a little, but I think that dome needs some friends and maybe therapy.

  51. Momthra +2

    I have a friend who is about to make a crazy life choice re a man. It’s the right thing to do to just trust her to live her life, right? Telling someone that you see a train wreck a’coming never actually goes over well, does it?

    1. jennifermelchert +2

      If the trainwreck happens, you were right! You may then be the one your friend comes to for support during/post-trainwreck. So that will be a bunch of effort.

      If it doesn’t, then your friend may resent your advice for a long time. I still get pissy when I think about the friend who told me it was a bad idea to go to Cancun with my ex-husband (spoiler: Cancun was awesome).

      So maybe just be nice and non-commit-y?

    2. Toft +2

      I guess maybe it depends on what exactly the deal is with said man. If it’s just that you don’t see the chemistry between man and friend, then maybe it’s best to accept the possibility that they see something in each other that you don’t. But if you have reason to suspect he’s some sort of seriously objectionable character, then you should maybe bring whatever evidence you possess sensitively to your friend’s attention. I think that part of being friends is watching each other’s blind spots.

      1. Momthra +1

        He’s objectively bad news. But anything I’ve said so far (“Given his behavior this last week, are you sure you feel comfortable taking this next step with him?”) she looks at me like she has no idea what I mean. But if nothing’s gonna penetrate then should I risk alienating her?

        1. Toft +2

          I personally would say that yes you should, if you sense that this dude’s news is bad enough that your friend is liable to get burned — because while you know your friend’s stubbornness best, there is I think always the possibility that she’ll take your warning more seriously if you’re willing to go out on a limb to deliver it, and I would say that doing what you can to protect your friend’s emotional well-being takes precedence over preserving the harmony of your friendship.

          Jenphalian above has some good points: choosing to voice your objections may indeed do nothing but set you up to be your friend’s eventual post-trainwreck support, and that does take effort, so you’d have to be ok with that. The other possibility that she raises – that it’s actually all going to turn out fine – is something you’ll have to estimate the likelihood of yourself, based on how sure you are that this fellow is a bad apple.

          I am a lesser advice-giver, though, and I wish that RoseCamelia or somebody of similar skill in the Advice Arts would show up and deliver a more expert analysis.

    3. hurdyburdy +3

      Unless you think your friend is in danger, I would stay so far out of that situation that you’d need a telescope to see it. It’s hard to step back and watch people make train wreck decisions, but you’ve already raised some mild concerns about his behavior and your friend wasn’t having it; she’s not going to agree with you or change her mind if you speak those concerns more plainly. Presumably your friend is an adult; these are her choices to make.

    4. RoseCamelia +3

      What are the objective risks, in plain terms? (Rhetorical.) If child endangerment is on the list, or risk of death or dismemberment, then step up and speak plainly. Otherwise, keep out of it and keep in touch.

      People survive divorces and heartbreaks. And become better for them. You cannot learn those lessons for your friend. She may need to learn the hard way.

      Your role is to tell her you want what’s best for her and that you will be in her corner no matter what she does and no matter what happens.

  52. jennifermelchert +8

    Toast-friends, I need a taco. BRB making tacos. I’ll bring enough for everyone obvs.

  53. SarcasticFringehead +2

    So apparently my manager (who was previously my coworker and is (was?) a very good friend of mine) feels like on a personal level I’ve been “really shitty” to him in the past couple of weeks, which I did not mean to be and didn’t really realize I was doing. I’m not saying it’s his responsibility to know that a lot of my anxiety focuses on me accidentally being mean to people, but he definitely just hit all those buttons. And, reviewing my behavior, I don’t think I’ve been that shitty? Other than when I was a little short-tempered with everybody including him because, you know, my husband left me (which, again, is not an excuse, and is ultimately nobody’s problem but mine, but definitely not something I needed right now).

  54. winterbymorning +11

    My leg hair has reached the length where I can feel it rubbing against the inside of my pants, and I hate that sensation, it’s like the physical equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me. Yet I cannot shave because I have a waxing appointment next week and it wouldn’t grow long enough for the wax to get a hold on by then.

    My suffering, it is unmatched.

    1. viviennestreet +1

      I HATE that. Ugh. I can never grow my leg hair out enough to get it waxed–I always crack and shave it. Stay strong!

  55. ladyknight27 +7

    I have missed the majority of this thread, but I would so much rather be in a bar in Oakland, trying not to fall in love with Mallory as per The Rules, than doing what I’m doing right now. Pretty much my first action in the managerial position to which I just got promoted is going to be deciding whether to fire someone, and my body is very unhappy about that stress.

  57. clairebm +7

    If anyone is still here: did you guys see this horrifying article on The Guardian yesterday?
    http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts…

    The asshole actually made a spreadsheet of the times his wife declined sex with him…and after reading it (which the wife posted on Reddit), gee I WONDER WHY SHE WON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU?!

    He is definitely not being spared and should be burnt with much fire!!

    1. abbeyroadmedley +1

      Wow, that was…rage-inducing. I think that actually might make me want to never, ever have sex with that person again. A SPREADSHEET. A FREAKING SPREADSHEET.

      1. clairebm +1

        I made the mistake of reading the comments, too. Some people were actually…defending him…I don’t understand!

    2. Myrtle

      I saw it on buzz worthy, I think, where there was also one posted by a wife not getting enough sex from her husband. I was happy I was neither party.

  58. jenavira +15

    Hello Toasties! I have been stalking this website for a while and feel it is time for me to emerge from my state of lurkerdom and tell y’all how awesome you are. I suck at writing these kinds of posts, which is why I tend to lurk so much. Is it appropriate to introduce myself at this point? I am a female-bodied librarian-type person who is currently going through a minor (so minor) gender identity crisis and a major (super major) work life crisis but I relieve my stress by giggling about literary pretentiousness and misandry, so this is basically my new favorite place on the internet.

    1. RoseCamelia +5

      Welcome! Do not minimize any gender identity issues you have. They are what they are. It’s OK. You’re welcome as-is.

      1. jenavira +1

        Thank you! I feel I should mention that the reason the gender identity crisis is minor is because I’m pretty okay with myself, but I’m having trouble figuring out who in my life I can mention it to. The number of available conversationalists is much smaller than I’d like it to be. 🙁

    3. laurenipsum +5

      Welcome! Glad you are here! I love all the librarians here. I have an MLIS but now work in usability and user-centered software design. I still consider myself a librarian, which seems to confuse all my design-focused (male) co-workers, but to my mind, if I’m working to hook people up with what they need when they need it, I’m still a librarian.

      2. jenavira +1

        Oooh cool! Would you mind if I asked you how you got into that industry? It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while (given the dearth of full-time public librarian jobs at the moment), but I haven’t quite figured out where to start.

        1. laurenipsum +1

          Not a problem! This was several years ago, before UX really took off. I was working at a consulting company as a taxonomist, and their taxonomy department was pretty closely aligned with (what was called at the time) their IA department (the work was what I’d now describe as UX). One of the senior IAs had been in the cohort before mine in my program, and he needed UX on a project, and he pulled me in, and I gradually transitioned to full-time UX.

          So it was kind of a stars aligning thing for me. BUT there are several steps that I now think I could have taken to get there on my own:
          – formal coursework in UX/UCD/HCDE type programs (there is a certificate program at UW, I am sure there are others)
          – active participation in the community (IxDA, local UX groups, twitter)
          – taking on hobby projects on your own — if nothing else, so that you have portfolio pieces to show.

          I’d be happy to chat further or answer any questions you have! If you go to [myusername].com there is an email address there.

  59. CordeliaFitz +11

    A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three –
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR TOAST.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR TOAST,
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR TO-OAST,
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

    And many more, and many sincere praises and thanks to Nicole and Mallory and Nick and Maria(?our tech guru?)

    1. laurenipsum +3

      My favorite restaurant has a deli attached to it also and at the deli they make an amazing chocolate chip cookie with flakes of sea salt on top and it is SO GOOD.

      That said, crying on your cookie sounds like the wrong way to approach getting salty chocolate chip cookies.

      1. laylapalooza +1

        Hmm, this sounds good. Will have to try my hand at this (for values of this equal to “baking things that taste like tears om nom nom delicious sea salt.”)

  61. mizchalmers +20

    I missed the Toast party because I had therapy… is now the Toastiest sentence I have ever typed.

  62. Laura +8

    Guys. Guys. I was soliciting recs for historical fiction and someone recommended me a book that sounds right up my alley- about the labour movement in the early twentieth century with a lesbian protagonist- but what really made it amazing is that the author’s name is Elana Dykewomon .

    If anyone knows that she actually picked this as a penname (apparently she’s an activist/prolific writer of lesbian romances) don’t tell me. It is too beautiful to contemplate that the universe looked down on her when she was still in the womb, knew her fate was to write lesbian romances, and made sure her name would be Elana Dykewomon.

    1. Abanthis +4

      I irl-know a lesbian born with the surname Dyke. Fate smiles upon such serendipity.

  63. LaPremiereFemme +12

    TOASTIES!!!
    Checking in from Toast Meetup in OAK. Here are the players:
    Toasties wearing hats. darling, delicious chapeaux.
    Mallory, wearing one of the aforementioned hats, and being as sweet and humble as you would expect.
    PIE GUY!!! With or without pie, you rock.
    Nick, whom I think paid for our drinks.
    A misandry necklace, attached to a charming lady.
    Women, wimmen and wymyn, and those who will be spared. All shapes, sizes, ages, affiliations, and full of amazing-ness.
    The best-smelling crowd ever to see the inside of a bar.
    Smart, erudite people from all walks of life.
    I am so unbelievably lucky to have been a part of this!

    2. msjinxie +10

      PIE GUY was fantastic! As I sat at the bar, he walked by and handed me a piece of warm berry cobbler. There is a man who knows his true place in the world.
      And like you said, everyone was lovely, handsome, smart, charming, and very good-smelling, despite the fact that it was hot as blazes in there.
      (And I will try to post in the OT Friday where my misandry necklace came from, if anyone else wants/needs one of their own.) (Also, thank you for calling me charming! A compliment from a Toastie is a fine compliment indeed!)

      1. Power_Lloyd +7

        Ha ha ha. Mallory wanted to serve it and I said “please let the white cis-het man serve these ladies.”

    3. Power_Lloyd +5

      I concur with this and also, thank you, that was me, “Pie Guy” (if you meant more of a cobbler, really — I made it.) Or Eric.

      1. LaPremiereFemme +3

        Eric/Pie Guy/Cobber-wielding person of supreme culinary talent-you rock.

  64. mashanigel +3

    Well, it’s barely still The Toast’s birthday, but it IS almost my city’s birthday, and I’m soused enough to try reporting:

    Mallory Ortberg is not here.

    The park near me had an ice cream truck circling ’round to serve the people camped out on the parade route, but its unusually-sweet soprano strains have vanished.

    I don’t think Nicole really lives in real SLC, I think she lives in greater SLC which is really just, like, closer Utah.

    Fireworks all over. (We thought there were fireworks last night until we realised it was just a lot of transformers blowing out).

    It’s almost midnight and it’s STILL HOT. No way I will ever see a movement encouraging that TT’s second birthday be celebrated here, is there? Of course not.

  65. Power_Lloyd +7

    Ummmm to those who couldn’t make it, it wasn’t super-great and Mallory wasn’t a goddamn supernova of delight and didn’t sign my Toast hoodie and didn’t champion my cobbler-making and -bringing abilities to all who she could stop in my vicinity and Nick wasn’t charming as all heck and also didn’t sign my aforementioned definitely-not-already autographed by Mallory hoodie and everyone wasn’t having a fabulous time and taking to each other like alumni of Hogwarts (?)… No no no, none of those things happened because you weren’t there, trust me, you definitely had a better evening, I mean it, certainly not this also https://twitter.com/Power_Lloyd/status/4921461078…

  66. Toft

    Yes, this is better advice.

    We should look out for our friends' best interests, but going through and learning from this upcoming bad relationship, as long as it isn't abusive, probably *is* in Momthra's friend's best interests, ultimately.

  67. laurenipsum

    That period after "cooking" is easy to miss. I definitely read this as "I am proud of you for cooking BABIES" on the first through third reads.